Embossed Silver (Dresden Files/Worm) Self Insert

[Leanansidhe]

Deleted. If you still want to read this message me and I will send you the story.

It's not that great and really not worth reading.

 

[TimelordLucario]

Work on some paragraphs, why dont'cha?

 

[Prince Charon]

Work on some paragraphs, why dont'cha?

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The paragraphs are there, they just don't seem to be separated (which has prevented me from reading it).

 

[Leanansidhe]

Work on some paragraphs, why dont'cha?

Click to shrink...

The paragraphs are there, they just don't seem to be separated (which has prevented me from reading it).

Click to shrink...

Is this better? Thanks for pointing that out. I don't know why I didn't notice.

 

[Beyogi]

Hm... interesting so far, but not too much to see yet.

 

[Leanansidhe]

Deleted. Same as before.

 

[Beyogi]

I don't really get what happened here. Did the drive think you were an Empire cape?

 

[Prince Charon]

I don't really get what happened here. Did the drive think you were an Empire cape?

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Quite possibly.

 

[Leanansidhe]

I don't really get what happened here. Did the drive think you were an Empire cape?

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He arrived at that conclusion, yes.

 

[Ack]

Just a few minor nitpicks.

'denarii' is plural. 'denarius' is singular. Latin, you know. (a bit of trivia: in the old form of pounds/shilling/pence, pennies were represented by 'd', which did indeed stand for 'denarius').

The bullet itself narrowly missed my suit jacket and hit the brick wall behind me at terminal velocity, sending chunks of fire baked clay and cement flying.

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'terminal velocity' specifically refers to a falling object, at the point where air resistance prevents further downward acceleration. A bullet travelling laterally is not in free fall.

I completed my spin, moving forward as I did, until my back was against the stunned mugger.

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The commas make it much more readable.

A curious stacked triangle symbols, reminiscent of an hourglass was branded into my flesh.

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This sentence doesn't quite work right. Perhaps 'symbol' rather than 'symbols'? Also, a comma after 'hourglass' would make it more readable.

The experience was just a touch too surreal.

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Typo.


Apart from that, nicely started. However, the overall problem is that the protagonist seems to be uncaring about basically everything. There's no personality showing through, nothing for us to latch on to and relate to. But I will be watching to see where this goes.

 

[Leanansidhe]

Just a few minor nitpicks.

'denarii' is plural. 'denarius' is singular. Latin, you know. (a bit of trivia: in the old form of pounds/shilling/pence, pennies were represented by 'd', which did indeed stand for 'denarius').



'terminal velocity' specifically refers to a falling object, at the point where air resistance prevents further downward acceleration. A bullet travelling laterally is not in free fall.


The commas make it much more readable.


This sentence doesn't quite work right. Perhaps 'symbol' rather than 'symbols'? Also, a comma after 'hourglass' would make it more readable.


Typo.


Apart from that, nicely started. However, the overall problem is that the protagonist seems to be uncaring about basically everything. There's no personality showing through, nothing for us to latch on to and relate to. But I will be watching to see where this goes.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the advice, I'll correct those errors sometime today.
I was kind of intending the SI to come across as mildly shell shocked and apathetic, at least at the story's beginning.

 

[tripcode]

Sophia would be older in 2010, so that might have been Aisha.

 

[Valor]

He doesn't necessarily know who it is. 14-15. Ain't that big a difference.

I really like this, by the way. Please feed me more.