Chapter 80 - Revealing the Rot
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BakaSmurf
Only Human, After All
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Chapter 80 - Revealing the Rot
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Taking a deep, bracing breath, Joe resolved to reveal everything to Cinderella, to finally let it all out. To let the work begin.
So, he started. "You've been told about everything that's happened to me, since I woke up in the Ark, right?"
"No," Cinderella flatly replied.
Joe blinked several times, turning to stare at the platinumette with open confusion. "-Huh?" He vocalized said surprise. "Wha- Nobody told you?"
"Scarlet and Snow White only told myself and Rapunzel that you were alive, that you have been in the Ark this entire time, and that you sought us out the moment you knew we were all alive and well."
The man blinked owlishly, coughing into his fist and sighing. "Ah. Okay, well then, I suppose I should bring you up to speed on everything, then…"
Joe spared little detail when he recounted his journey, starting with waking at the hospital to Cinderella. He relayed all the hardships, twists and turns, and even the relationship issues he'd been having.
Cinderella's reaction to learning about the almost-relationship with Marian was muted. Her brow fell in concern upon learning of how he'd had to execute Marian for her own sake. She nodded and listened intently when being informed of their missions to the surface. Her brow started to furrow when Joe mentioned turning away the support he'd been offered.
Then, she was staring silently at the man when he finished speaking on how Anis had been verbally harming him. She remained silent, scrutinizing him intensely even as she actually peeled back from the man. An uncharacteristic display from her, to say the least.
"...You have been in a terrible mental state," Cinderella started slowly. "You have been struggling to keep your head above water. You have been trapped within your own mind, mired in a miasma of loss, fear, and imposter syndrome."
"Yet you've rejected every instance of Rapi attempting to offer you a shoulder as you offered to her, you've said not a word of your suffering to my father, who, despite your disagreements, was ultimately your best friend?"
Joe went very quiet as Cinderella's tone grew increasingly sharp with each word spoken. Her lone visible eye narrowed as she stared at him with notable intensity.
Cinderella continued. "You've said nothing to anyone? This entire time, you've not addressed Anis' attitude and the harm she's been causing you to anybody? Even when Anis herself remained by your side after the conflict with Modernia, even when she showed that she cares about you directly, hugged you, expressed joy at hearing you cared for her in turn…"
"You said nothing to her, or anyone else, about this apparent abuse she's been putting you through?"
Joe felt no small amount of pressure building around him, the air permeating their surroundings becoming charged. Cinderella, normally so boundlessly sweet, seemed increasingly aggravated.
After a period of silence, she continued. "Rapi, when confronted by Snow White over your state, admitted to being a horrible person. A terrible companion, that she's been hurting you and showing that she 'hasn't changed' since her days as Red Hood, where she was so terribly hostile and cruel towards you, even in our last days together."
"Yet, even all you just told me points towards her being all but desperate for your affection and acknowledgement. Nothing but loyal, an unbending companion that has to be pried from your side by force."
"She said that she 'forced' you to kill Marian. That she wouldn't let Anis do it for you." Cinderella cocked her head as her eye grew all the sharper. "Anis, who has supposedly been nothing but emotionally abusive towards you? Was that a lie? Did she not try to take the gun and spare you that horror?"
Ah- Oh.
"Rapi was only following protocol, as according to your own recollection. Anis was putting herself at great risk suggesting mercy killing Marian for you, as far as the Ark's understanding of how Corruption works. Both of these actions qualify as abuse to you? Rapi protecting Anis from her own bleeding heart, that is cruelty?" Cinderella demanded as she rose to her feet and rounded on Joe.
"If so," she continued. "Why did you never say as such? To anyone? Why would you allow this to go unaddressed? Why would you not confront either of them? Why would you just sit upon these things that have been stewing in your mind this entire time?"
Joe didn't reply. He just stared, his mind shorting out at the intense interrogation.
"Why would you have never brought this up to Rapi during all of your many moments alone together? Why would you never confront her with how horribly she'd hurt you? Why would you never ask if she'd meant to hurt you?"
"Why would you never ask if her cruelty was intended? Even after she showed how much she clearly loves you, to so longingly remain by your side, to the point of attempting to commit suicide for your sake."
That caused Joe to recoil in shock, his eyes going wide and his breath hitching as his jaw dropped, utterly flummoxed.
"Did that fail to register to you?" Cinderella leaned over, expression hardening yet more. "Exceed would claim her life if she used it. She knew this, you knew this. The moment it seemed that you were in imminent danger of being directly targeted by a Heretic, she did not hesitate to use it."
"She had no reason to believe that Snow White would be in any state to help her, nor that the Northern Base would have just so happened to have the materials on hand for Snow White to just barely save her life! As far as she could see, how could that decision have been anything but the ultimate sacrifice, for a chance to protect you!?"
"Yet, you'd leave her to set herself in such a head space, that she would admit her 'heartless sins' to Snow White as though she were some monster!? You would allow her to degenerate into such a state that she'd feel that she had to beg for your forgiveness?"
Cinderella was now looming over the man, wearing no small amount of genuine anger on her otherwise soft features as she did so.
"Has Anis really been verbally abusing you? Has she?" The twintailed woman inquired, projecting a deeply disconcerting aggravation. "Or are you projecting this offence onto her, so that you may further justify pushing her and Rapi away? All the while you seek comfort from another not even serving alongside you, this 'Privaty' that you have also told lies about Rapi?"
Ah- Ah. Oh.
Silence reigned for a good long while after that. Joe was too overwhelmed to even begin to formulate a reply.
So, Cinderella continued once again. "I love you, Joe," she started, her tone becoming pained, and deeply disappointed. "I love you with all of my heart, and that is why I will not tolerate such hideous behaviour from you. Not when I know that you are better than this."
"Not when I've seen you confront Dorothy and Scarlet about their harmful, team-breaking conflict to make them see reason without putting them down. Not when I've seen you admonish Red Hood in such a way as to make her cease crossing the line with an increasingly distressed Rapunzel."
"Not when I know you'd helped Lilith uplift Snow White, when she was terrified of so much as meeting Goddess before me, and sequestered herself away from all but you two…"
She leaned forward even more, tears starting to form in her eyes as she spoke through teeth grit together out of sheer frustration.
"Not when you fought so hard for me, not when you did all you could to grant me my wish, to give me happiness, before we'd even met! Because it was simply the right thing to do!"
Her breath came in ragged gasps, closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, gathered herself as best she could, and when she looked upon him again, she looked downright betrayed and heartbroken. "The man I fell in love with did all in his power to uplift those around him. Even when he didn't know where to begin, he blazed a trail forward."
"When he was struggling, when he was hurting, when he didn't know what to do, he allowed his most trusted allies to lift him up in turn. He would allow me to hug him, to listen to his woes and offer unconditional support. He would allow Dorothy to cradle him, to reassure him that he was still her Commander in our darkest hour. He would hear the gentle assurances of Rapunzel that encouraged him to aim to be someone better than he was."
"He would listen to the sharp, but well-intentioned critics of Scarlet. He would let Snow White tell him about how much he'd helped her grow, how she wouldn't be who she was if not for his help. He would hear the harsh, but earnest words of his best friend that only wanted him to open his eyes, and be the best version of himself he could be."
"But here? Now? Hearing this story? Hearing these complaints? Hearing how you've conducted yourself, seeing the wretched belief in your eyes? Seeing your expression harden and shift into such genuine anger, relaying these supposed offences so egregiously inflicted upon you by those you have sworn to support?"
Her breath hitched, and the tears started to fall, her expression becoming tortured as she gazed mournfully upon him.
"I almost don't see the man I fell in love with in you anymore."
It felt like a piece of Joe's soul had shrivelled up and died. Cinderella, of all people, of all people, to turn on him like this, to grab him by the scruff of his neck, and drive his face into his… Mistakes.
'Mistakes.' That sure was one way of describing them. No, he was underselling it. Cinderella's heart was broken by his behaviour, because she looked upon the Prince Charming she'd fallen in love with, and found something hideous gazing back at her.
She was right. She was right, and he knew it. He'd reflected upon how lesser he was compared to before, but, even still, he'd not grasped the sheer depths he'd fallen to.
Rapi had tried to be his rock, even despite her own problems. Why hadn't he allowed it?
Andersen was right there. He was terribly busy, but when was he ever not? He was literally the primary grand strategist of Goddess and the Nikkes serving as their support aboard the Avenger. Was he not busy then? Was he not busy when he was directing the spear in the war against humanity's extinction? When he was the General to Joe's Commander?
Anis had opened their relationship by trying to shoulder the burden of mercy killing Marian for him. She was difficult, yes, but she wasn't malicious. She might've been willing to at least try to help.
Yet, he didn't reach out. He kept everyone at arm's reach. He just sat in his darkened room, wallowing in his misery, refusing to actually confront any of it. Worse yet: he'd started projecting it onto others, instead of looking inwards and acknowledging that he'd done this to himself. It hit him like a brick, the realization of just how pathetic he'd been.
This was the so-called Legendary Commander? This cretin that refused help, that used his suffering as an excuse to lash out at others? What the fuck was wrong with him?
"...I'm sorry," the burly man started, his voice small and intensely regretful. "I-" His gaze rapidly wandered, yet he was looking at nothing in particular as he processed everything all at once. "I owe so many of you girls apologies. I owe you all so much better."
Cinderella didn't say anything. She just continued to stare, her cheeks streaked with tears and her breath coming in hitched gasps.
"Ellie," Joe, despite desperately wishing to retreat to a hole and die, to never meet anyone's gaze again, he met her heartbroken gaze. He wouldn't let himself look away, spare himself a moment of her disappointed sorrow. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Cinderella remained quiet, and after a few moments of extended quiet, she reached out, took one of the man's hands, and drew it out, settling his palm over her heart. It was beating hard, and fast. Her face was flushed.
"Do you know how much this hurts?" She asked, still staring into Joe's eyes. "How it feels? After a century apart, after waiting for you, after seemingly defying the reality that you had to be gone. After remaining loyal, faithful for so long, for this to be what returns to me? To feel my heart breaking like this, as my reward for refusing to give up on you against all reason?"
Joe's own heart would have fallen into a thousand pieces, had he not braced and hardened himself. It still hurt, but, in a way that only steeled his resolve to be better.
In her eyes, Cinderella could see that resolve finally reflected back at her, and after several long moments, she let out a shuddering sigh. Releasing Joe's hand, she extended her arms to him. She didn't move, though. Immediately, he knew that she was demanding that he be the one to reach out. That he show that he wouldn't make the girls be the one to do all the work, only to be met with a nonreciprocating wall.
He responded by extending his limbs, grasping her shockingly slight waist, and drawing her in. She circled her arms around his neck as he wrapped his around her midsection. Once again, she let out a shuddering breath as she set her cheek against his crown.
"Do better," she instructed him. "Be the man I fell in love with. Not… That hideous thing that was wearing your face."
Her words were horribly harsh. But, it was warranted. He deserved it. He nodded into her chest, declaring: "I will." He took a deep, bracing breath. "I'll start with Anis."
Cinderella didn't immediately reply to that, the two simply remaining there for a time. Eventually, she did peel herself away. She wasn't smiling, but she did seem hopeful. "Then start," she directed him, backing off entirely and watching him expectantly.
At that, the man rose to his feet, looked down at the woman that had set him straight, and nodded once. He hesitated only to say, "Thank you, Ellie." He then moved to return to the Command Centre.
Cinderella watched him go, and immediately, she saw a change in the way he carried himself. It wasn't even subtle. In some way, she caught a glimpse of the man that had stood alongside Goddess. Not the resentful face stealer that had been hopelessly miring in his own self-imposed rot.
"I'll be here," Cinderella whispered as she watched the man stride off to correct his latest mistake, hopefully, but the first step towards bettering himself into the figure she'd fallen in love with. "Once you've returned, I'll be right here. Waiting for my Prince Charming to lift me up, and carry me into the sunset."
"For you, I will wait, my Prince."
Emerging back into the Command Centre, Joe wasted no time in searching for the short-haired blonde. He quickly found her fluffy locks peeking out from her bunk, curled up in a ball beneath the sheets. It was just her, everyone else seemingly out.
Grimacing heavily, no small part of Joe wanted to avoid the awkward discomfort that would follow if he continued on. He stabbed that doubt and threw its body in a dumpster. It had no place here. It had no place when it came to being the Commander these girls deserved.
So, he gradually approached her. His steps quiet, measured. Anis noticed, regardless, given the way she shifted ever-so-slightly. She was upset. Of course she was. He stopped just short of spitting on her as he left. Over a misunderstanding. Over his own self-delusions.
Or, at least, half-delusions. Anis shouldn't have been projecting that doomer shit at everyone around her the way she did. He'd spoken to Rapi about it, however briefly. The long-haired blonde had learned to just ignore it. Avoid letting it get to her.
Joe owed Anis an apology, but he'd also talk to her about how negatively that could affect everyone around her. He didn't have to be awful, mean, or cruel. He just had to say it like it was, and affirm that she could trust him and her comrades to protect her and themselves in the field.
He came to a stop alongside her bed, and after a beat, he spoke up. "Anis," he started, voice gentle and quiet. "I'm sorry."
The Nikke stirred, stiffening at his words. She didn't reply, however, falling still just as quickly.
It was all Joe could do to continue, reaching up and setting his hand on the frame around the bunk, which was inset into the wall.
"I've been refusing help from any of you girls. Miring in my own shit, locking myself away from everyone else. Blocking everyone off. To the end point of hearing your… Pessimism, and hearing a personal attack against me. An affirmation that you only trusted me to get you killed… In the same way I got Marian killed, before, well, we knew better."
He wasn't there to discuss Modernia, so he'd brushed past it to focus on Anis.
"That was awful of me. Atrocious. I don't even have a good excuse for why I did it. I just… Did. It didn't feel good. It didn't justify anything. It just further enabled me to wallow in shit, look at you girls as though you were- I don't even know. I still tried to help you girls, be there, give you cause to trust me and feel safe. But I grew resentful over how alone I felt. Even though I was making a concerted effort to hold everyone at arm's length."
It sounded so fucking ridiculous when he said it out loud. Like, really? Seriously? That's what he'd been doing this entire time? Christ, he really had been utterly pathetic, hadn't he?
"I fucked up, basically. Looked at you like you were my enemy, like suddenly all of my self isolation was justified, when you were so obviously trying to show that you felt terrible for what happened. Even though it really wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, Anis. Please, don't think you did. You're great. Really, You're wonderful to have around. And… I'm happy you're here."
He released the frame, letting his hand fall back down to his side.
"So, I, yeah," he lightly shrugged. "I'll do better, be better. Otherwise, um, I suppose I'll just, leave you be-"
As soon as he took a step away, the blanket Anis had been hiding under was thrown aside, the girl lunging out and firmly grabbing onto Joe's arm, locking him in place.
Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair a frazzled mess. She hadn't been crying, but it had been damn close. She stared up at the man, her breath heavy and somewhat heightened.
She held him there, staring for a few long moments, before averting her gaze and looking more than a little sheepish. "U-uh. I, uh," She stammered by way of opening, clearing her throat. "D-don't go," she meekly asked, sniffling lightly as she did so. "I-I want to talk."
Joe blinked in surprise. Part of him had expected her to let him leave, if not run him off outright. But, if she actually wanted him to stick around, have a discussion with her, then, who the fuck was he to deny her that? To do anything less than give her anything she asked for at this point?
"Alright," he agreed as he stepped back, and settled down to sit on the edge of the blonde's bed. "We can talk. Whenever you want from now on."
Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Anis looked over at Joe, and inquired: "Um, first, Commander-"
"You can still just call me Joe, Anis," he assured her. "Unless, you don't feel comfortable anymore-"
"Joe," she corrected herself fairly firmly, locking eyes with him at least momentarily for seeming emphasis. "I-I just- before we start," She released his arm, and extended both of her own to him. "Can- can I get a hug?"
Ah. Well, that made him feel like even more of a piece of shit, if that was the first request she made of him despite the bitch baby tantrum he'd thrown earlier. But, if that's what she wanted. "Of fucking course-" he reached out and drew the blonde into a gentle hug- or what was gentle at first, before she latched onto him and squeezed. "-Any time you want, Anis. Hugs, talks, games, watching those shitty trashy animes of yours, just ask, and I'll gladly come running."
"My taste in anime is immaculate, you uncultured jackass!" Anis countered with a grumble, though there was no actual anger in her voice. "But, okay, I'll hold you to that promise, you hear?"
"Please do," Joe asked. "Don't ever let me fall back on my bullshit again. You deserve better than that."
Anis just hummed quietly in reply, just leaning into the hug for a few moments before she spoke up again, slightly playfully. "Am I still 'really nice to hug?'"
Joe let out an amused huff, squeezing the girl more intensely. "Squeezable? Check. Friend-shaped? Check. Nice and soft? Check, check, and check. Certifiably 'really nice to hug.'"
"I'm gonna choose to interpret 'squeezable, friend-shaped, and soft' as complimentary as possible," Anis lightly grumbled, though she didn't pull back from the hug in the least. "I'm… I'm really happy to be here too, Joe. I'm really happy that- that we don't hate each other."
At that, he smiled broadly. "You can be awful difficult, but you're pretty hard to hate by any reasonable metric."
Anis just snorted in reply.
This felt so much better than sitting around his room, feeling sorry for himself about all the bad shit that had happened. And all it took was being reminded of who he was by Cinderella, and remembering how friend-shaped and huggable Anis was. That she, and all of the girls that served with him, deserved nothing less than the best he could be.
He'd damn well never make the mistake of forgetting again.
Chapter 80 - Revealing the Rot
===
Taking a deep, bracing breath, Joe resolved to reveal everything to Cinderella, to finally let it all out. To let the work begin.
So, he started. "You've been told about everything that's happened to me, since I woke up in the Ark, right?"
"No," Cinderella flatly replied.
Joe blinked several times, turning to stare at the platinumette with open confusion. "-Huh?" He vocalized said surprise. "Wha- Nobody told you?"
"Scarlet and Snow White only told myself and Rapunzel that you were alive, that you have been in the Ark this entire time, and that you sought us out the moment you knew we were all alive and well."
The man blinked owlishly, coughing into his fist and sighing. "Ah. Okay, well then, I suppose I should bring you up to speed on everything, then…"
Joe spared little detail when he recounted his journey, starting with waking at the hospital to Cinderella. He relayed all the hardships, twists and turns, and even the relationship issues he'd been having.
Cinderella's reaction to learning about the almost-relationship with Marian was muted. Her brow fell in concern upon learning of how he'd had to execute Marian for her own sake. She nodded and listened intently when being informed of their missions to the surface. Her brow started to furrow when Joe mentioned turning away the support he'd been offered.
Then, she was staring silently at the man when he finished speaking on how Anis had been verbally harming him. She remained silent, scrutinizing him intensely even as she actually peeled back from the man. An uncharacteristic display from her, to say the least.
"...You have been in a terrible mental state," Cinderella started slowly. "You have been struggling to keep your head above water. You have been trapped within your own mind, mired in a miasma of loss, fear, and imposter syndrome."
"Yet you've rejected every instance of Rapi attempting to offer you a shoulder as you offered to her, you've said not a word of your suffering to my father, who, despite your disagreements, was ultimately your best friend?"
Joe went very quiet as Cinderella's tone grew increasingly sharp with each word spoken. Her lone visible eye narrowed as she stared at him with notable intensity.
Cinderella continued. "You've said nothing to anyone? This entire time, you've not addressed Anis' attitude and the harm she's been causing you to anybody? Even when Anis herself remained by your side after the conflict with Modernia, even when she showed that she cares about you directly, hugged you, expressed joy at hearing you cared for her in turn…"
"You said nothing to her, or anyone else, about this apparent abuse she's been putting you through?"
Joe felt no small amount of pressure building around him, the air permeating their surroundings becoming charged. Cinderella, normally so boundlessly sweet, seemed increasingly aggravated.
After a period of silence, she continued. "Rapi, when confronted by Snow White over your state, admitted to being a horrible person. A terrible companion, that she's been hurting you and showing that she 'hasn't changed' since her days as Red Hood, where she was so terribly hostile and cruel towards you, even in our last days together."
"Yet, even all you just told me points towards her being all but desperate for your affection and acknowledgement. Nothing but loyal, an unbending companion that has to be pried from your side by force."
"She said that she 'forced' you to kill Marian. That she wouldn't let Anis do it for you." Cinderella cocked her head as her eye grew all the sharper. "Anis, who has supposedly been nothing but emotionally abusive towards you? Was that a lie? Did she not try to take the gun and spare you that horror?"
Ah- Oh.
"Rapi was only following protocol, as according to your own recollection. Anis was putting herself at great risk suggesting mercy killing Marian for you, as far as the Ark's understanding of how Corruption works. Both of these actions qualify as abuse to you? Rapi protecting Anis from her own bleeding heart, that is cruelty?" Cinderella demanded as she rose to her feet and rounded on Joe.
"If so," she continued. "Why did you never say as such? To anyone? Why would you allow this to go unaddressed? Why would you not confront either of them? Why would you just sit upon these things that have been stewing in your mind this entire time?"
Joe didn't reply. He just stared, his mind shorting out at the intense interrogation.
"Why would you have never brought this up to Rapi during all of your many moments alone together? Why would you never confront her with how horribly she'd hurt you? Why would you never ask if she'd meant to hurt you?"
"Why would you never ask if her cruelty was intended? Even after she showed how much she clearly loves you, to so longingly remain by your side, to the point of attempting to commit suicide for your sake."
That caused Joe to recoil in shock, his eyes going wide and his breath hitching as his jaw dropped, utterly flummoxed.
"Did that fail to register to you?" Cinderella leaned over, expression hardening yet more. "Exceed would claim her life if she used it. She knew this, you knew this. The moment it seemed that you were in imminent danger of being directly targeted by a Heretic, she did not hesitate to use it."
"She had no reason to believe that Snow White would be in any state to help her, nor that the Northern Base would have just so happened to have the materials on hand for Snow White to just barely save her life! As far as she could see, how could that decision have been anything but the ultimate sacrifice, for a chance to protect you!?"
"Yet, you'd leave her to set herself in such a head space, that she would admit her 'heartless sins' to Snow White as though she were some monster!? You would allow her to degenerate into such a state that she'd feel that she had to beg for your forgiveness?"
Cinderella was now looming over the man, wearing no small amount of genuine anger on her otherwise soft features as she did so.
"Has Anis really been verbally abusing you? Has she?" The twintailed woman inquired, projecting a deeply disconcerting aggravation. "Or are you projecting this offence onto her, so that you may further justify pushing her and Rapi away? All the while you seek comfort from another not even serving alongside you, this 'Privaty' that you have also told lies about Rapi?"
Ah- Ah. Oh.
Silence reigned for a good long while after that. Joe was too overwhelmed to even begin to formulate a reply.
So, Cinderella continued once again. "I love you, Joe," she started, her tone becoming pained, and deeply disappointed. "I love you with all of my heart, and that is why I will not tolerate such hideous behaviour from you. Not when I know that you are better than this."
"Not when I've seen you confront Dorothy and Scarlet about their harmful, team-breaking conflict to make them see reason without putting them down. Not when I've seen you admonish Red Hood in such a way as to make her cease crossing the line with an increasingly distressed Rapunzel."
"Not when I know you'd helped Lilith uplift Snow White, when she was terrified of so much as meeting Goddess before me, and sequestered herself away from all but you two…"
She leaned forward even more, tears starting to form in her eyes as she spoke through teeth grit together out of sheer frustration.
"Not when you fought so hard for me, not when you did all you could to grant me my wish, to give me happiness, before we'd even met! Because it was simply the right thing to do!"
Her breath came in ragged gasps, closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, gathered herself as best she could, and when she looked upon him again, she looked downright betrayed and heartbroken. "The man I fell in love with did all in his power to uplift those around him. Even when he didn't know where to begin, he blazed a trail forward."
"When he was struggling, when he was hurting, when he didn't know what to do, he allowed his most trusted allies to lift him up in turn. He would allow me to hug him, to listen to his woes and offer unconditional support. He would allow Dorothy to cradle him, to reassure him that he was still her Commander in our darkest hour. He would hear the gentle assurances of Rapunzel that encouraged him to aim to be someone better than he was."
"He would listen to the sharp, but well-intentioned critics of Scarlet. He would let Snow White tell him about how much he'd helped her grow, how she wouldn't be who she was if not for his help. He would hear the harsh, but earnest words of his best friend that only wanted him to open his eyes, and be the best version of himself he could be."
"But here? Now? Hearing this story? Hearing these complaints? Hearing how you've conducted yourself, seeing the wretched belief in your eyes? Seeing your expression harden and shift into such genuine anger, relaying these supposed offences so egregiously inflicted upon you by those you have sworn to support?"
Her breath hitched, and the tears started to fall, her expression becoming tortured as she gazed mournfully upon him.
"I almost don't see the man I fell in love with in you anymore."
It felt like a piece of Joe's soul had shrivelled up and died. Cinderella, of all people, of all people, to turn on him like this, to grab him by the scruff of his neck, and drive his face into his… Mistakes.
'Mistakes.' That sure was one way of describing them. No, he was underselling it. Cinderella's heart was broken by his behaviour, because she looked upon the Prince Charming she'd fallen in love with, and found something hideous gazing back at her.
She was right. She was right, and he knew it. He'd reflected upon how lesser he was compared to before, but, even still, he'd not grasped the sheer depths he'd fallen to.
Rapi had tried to be his rock, even despite her own problems. Why hadn't he allowed it?
Andersen was right there. He was terribly busy, but when was he ever not? He was literally the primary grand strategist of Goddess and the Nikkes serving as their support aboard the Avenger. Was he not busy then? Was he not busy when he was directing the spear in the war against humanity's extinction? When he was the General to Joe's Commander?
Anis had opened their relationship by trying to shoulder the burden of mercy killing Marian for him. She was difficult, yes, but she wasn't malicious. She might've been willing to at least try to help.
Yet, he didn't reach out. He kept everyone at arm's reach. He just sat in his darkened room, wallowing in his misery, refusing to actually confront any of it. Worse yet: he'd started projecting it onto others, instead of looking inwards and acknowledging that he'd done this to himself. It hit him like a brick, the realization of just how pathetic he'd been.
This was the so-called Legendary Commander? This cretin that refused help, that used his suffering as an excuse to lash out at others? What the fuck was wrong with him?
"...I'm sorry," the burly man started, his voice small and intensely regretful. "I-" His gaze rapidly wandered, yet he was looking at nothing in particular as he processed everything all at once. "I owe so many of you girls apologies. I owe you all so much better."
Cinderella didn't say anything. She just continued to stare, her cheeks streaked with tears and her breath coming in hitched gasps.
"Ellie," Joe, despite desperately wishing to retreat to a hole and die, to never meet anyone's gaze again, he met her heartbroken gaze. He wouldn't let himself look away, spare himself a moment of her disappointed sorrow. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Cinderella remained quiet, and after a few moments of extended quiet, she reached out, took one of the man's hands, and drew it out, settling his palm over her heart. It was beating hard, and fast. Her face was flushed.
"Do you know how much this hurts?" She asked, still staring into Joe's eyes. "How it feels? After a century apart, after waiting for you, after seemingly defying the reality that you had to be gone. After remaining loyal, faithful for so long, for this to be what returns to me? To feel my heart breaking like this, as my reward for refusing to give up on you against all reason?"
Joe's own heart would have fallen into a thousand pieces, had he not braced and hardened himself. It still hurt, but, in a way that only steeled his resolve to be better.
In her eyes, Cinderella could see that resolve finally reflected back at her, and after several long moments, she let out a shuddering sigh. Releasing Joe's hand, she extended her arms to him. She didn't move, though. Immediately, he knew that she was demanding that he be the one to reach out. That he show that he wouldn't make the girls be the one to do all the work, only to be met with a nonreciprocating wall.
He responded by extending his limbs, grasping her shockingly slight waist, and drawing her in. She circled her arms around his neck as he wrapped his around her midsection. Once again, she let out a shuddering breath as she set her cheek against his crown.
"Do better," she instructed him. "Be the man I fell in love with. Not… That hideous thing that was wearing your face."
Her words were horribly harsh. But, it was warranted. He deserved it. He nodded into her chest, declaring: "I will." He took a deep, bracing breath. "I'll start with Anis."
Cinderella didn't immediately reply to that, the two simply remaining there for a time. Eventually, she did peel herself away. She wasn't smiling, but she did seem hopeful. "Then start," she directed him, backing off entirely and watching him expectantly.
At that, the man rose to his feet, looked down at the woman that had set him straight, and nodded once. He hesitated only to say, "Thank you, Ellie." He then moved to return to the Command Centre.
Cinderella watched him go, and immediately, she saw a change in the way he carried himself. It wasn't even subtle. In some way, she caught a glimpse of the man that had stood alongside Goddess. Not the resentful face stealer that had been hopelessly miring in his own self-imposed rot.
"I'll be here," Cinderella whispered as she watched the man stride off to correct his latest mistake, hopefully, but the first step towards bettering himself into the figure she'd fallen in love with. "Once you've returned, I'll be right here. Waiting for my Prince Charming to lift me up, and carry me into the sunset."
"For you, I will wait, my Prince."
Emerging back into the Command Centre, Joe wasted no time in searching for the short-haired blonde. He quickly found her fluffy locks peeking out from her bunk, curled up in a ball beneath the sheets. It was just her, everyone else seemingly out.
Grimacing heavily, no small part of Joe wanted to avoid the awkward discomfort that would follow if he continued on. He stabbed that doubt and threw its body in a dumpster. It had no place here. It had no place when it came to being the Commander these girls deserved.
So, he gradually approached her. His steps quiet, measured. Anis noticed, regardless, given the way she shifted ever-so-slightly. She was upset. Of course she was. He stopped just short of spitting on her as he left. Over a misunderstanding. Over his own self-delusions.
Or, at least, half-delusions. Anis shouldn't have been projecting that doomer shit at everyone around her the way she did. He'd spoken to Rapi about it, however briefly. The long-haired blonde had learned to just ignore it. Avoid letting it get to her.
Joe owed Anis an apology, but he'd also talk to her about how negatively that could affect everyone around her. He didn't have to be awful, mean, or cruel. He just had to say it like it was, and affirm that she could trust him and her comrades to protect her and themselves in the field.
He came to a stop alongside her bed, and after a beat, he spoke up. "Anis," he started, voice gentle and quiet. "I'm sorry."
The Nikke stirred, stiffening at his words. She didn't reply, however, falling still just as quickly.
It was all Joe could do to continue, reaching up and setting his hand on the frame around the bunk, which was inset into the wall.
"I've been refusing help from any of you girls. Miring in my own shit, locking myself away from everyone else. Blocking everyone off. To the end point of hearing your… Pessimism, and hearing a personal attack against me. An affirmation that you only trusted me to get you killed… In the same way I got Marian killed, before, well, we knew better."
He wasn't there to discuss Modernia, so he'd brushed past it to focus on Anis.
"That was awful of me. Atrocious. I don't even have a good excuse for why I did it. I just… Did. It didn't feel good. It didn't justify anything. It just further enabled me to wallow in shit, look at you girls as though you were- I don't even know. I still tried to help you girls, be there, give you cause to trust me and feel safe. But I grew resentful over how alone I felt. Even though I was making a concerted effort to hold everyone at arm's length."
It sounded so fucking ridiculous when he said it out loud. Like, really? Seriously? That's what he'd been doing this entire time? Christ, he really had been utterly pathetic, hadn't he?
"I fucked up, basically. Looked at you like you were my enemy, like suddenly all of my self isolation was justified, when you were so obviously trying to show that you felt terrible for what happened. Even though it really wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, Anis. Please, don't think you did. You're great. Really, You're wonderful to have around. And… I'm happy you're here."
He released the frame, letting his hand fall back down to his side.
"So, I, yeah," he lightly shrugged. "I'll do better, be better. Otherwise, um, I suppose I'll just, leave you be-"
As soon as he took a step away, the blanket Anis had been hiding under was thrown aside, the girl lunging out and firmly grabbing onto Joe's arm, locking him in place.
Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair a frazzled mess. She hadn't been crying, but it had been damn close. She stared up at the man, her breath heavy and somewhat heightened.
She held him there, staring for a few long moments, before averting her gaze and looking more than a little sheepish. "U-uh. I, uh," She stammered by way of opening, clearing her throat. "D-don't go," she meekly asked, sniffling lightly as she did so. "I-I want to talk."
Joe blinked in surprise. Part of him had expected her to let him leave, if not run him off outright. But, if she actually wanted him to stick around, have a discussion with her, then, who the fuck was he to deny her that? To do anything less than give her anything she asked for at this point?
"Alright," he agreed as he stepped back, and settled down to sit on the edge of the blonde's bed. "We can talk. Whenever you want from now on."
Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Anis looked over at Joe, and inquired: "Um, first, Commander-"
"You can still just call me Joe, Anis," he assured her. "Unless, you don't feel comfortable anymore-"
"Joe," she corrected herself fairly firmly, locking eyes with him at least momentarily for seeming emphasis. "I-I just- before we start," She released his arm, and extended both of her own to him. "Can- can I get a hug?"
Ah. Well, that made him feel like even more of a piece of shit, if that was the first request she made of him despite the bitch baby tantrum he'd thrown earlier. But, if that's what she wanted. "Of fucking course-" he reached out and drew the blonde into a gentle hug- or what was gentle at first, before she latched onto him and squeezed. "-Any time you want, Anis. Hugs, talks, games, watching those shitty trashy animes of yours, just ask, and I'll gladly come running."
"My taste in anime is immaculate, you uncultured jackass!" Anis countered with a grumble, though there was no actual anger in her voice. "But, okay, I'll hold you to that promise, you hear?"
"Please do," Joe asked. "Don't ever let me fall back on my bullshit again. You deserve better than that."
Anis just hummed quietly in reply, just leaning into the hug for a few moments before she spoke up again, slightly playfully. "Am I still 'really nice to hug?'"
Joe let out an amused huff, squeezing the girl more intensely. "Squeezable? Check. Friend-shaped? Check. Nice and soft? Check, check, and check. Certifiably 'really nice to hug.'"
"I'm gonna choose to interpret 'squeezable, friend-shaped, and soft' as complimentary as possible," Anis lightly grumbled, though she didn't pull back from the hug in the least. "I'm… I'm really happy to be here too, Joe. I'm really happy that- that we don't hate each other."
At that, he smiled broadly. "You can be awful difficult, but you're pretty hard to hate by any reasonable metric."
Anis just snorted in reply.
This felt so much better than sitting around his room, feeling sorry for himself about all the bad shit that had happened. And all it took was being reminded of who he was by Cinderella, and remembering how friend-shaped and huggable Anis was. That she, and all of the girls that served with him, deserved nothing less than the best he could be.
He'd damn well never make the mistake of forgetting again.
