doomlord9
Experienced.
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- Jan 15, 2014
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"Wow, a birthday present?" Amy grinned at Taylor. "Is that what I am now?"
Yes, yes you are. Now put the ribbon on.
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"Wow, a birthday present?" Amy grinned at Taylor. "Is that what I am now?"
At first, I wasn't sure if Danny meant Marquis. That would be a workaround."Oh god," she muttered. "Carol will never go for it."
"But will your father?"
She frowned, considering. "He … might," she allowed. "If I can talk to him."
Or leave it off, if you're into that. We won't judge.
Thought he was who she meant as well. Would've been interesting...At first, I wasn't sure if Danny meant Marquis. That would be a workaround.
Yeah, I don't think 'funny' was exactly the word Cody would use. Ever.Good chapter. Lots of warm and fuzzy scenes. And a funny one with scary Riley. Well done!
That's for the NSFW omake. Which I am not writing. Unless I get a great deal of inspiration and time on my hands
...but if Taylor and Amy are going to be sisters...That's for the NSFW omake. Which I am not writing. Unless I get a great deal of inspiration and time on my hands
(sigh)...but if Taylor and Amy are going to be sisters...
...and Amy is accepting the adoption partially to get away from the sister she already has, because she's in love with Vicky...
...so Amy has been attracted to her sister long enough that for her and Taylor to have a relationship, she has to be adopted before they can start dating?
...kinky.
...so Amy has been attracted to her sister long enough that for her and Taylor to have a relationship, she has to be adopted before they can start dating?
Yeah, c'mon, Slayer. Clearly they've been boinking between the asterisks this whole time.
I actually found this transition a little jarring. For the first 1/2 of the Cody part was trying to figure out what Riley had said to Mike to get Piggot so worked up, given that Riley's talk to Mike happened immediately before the Piggot PoV."But you knew what I was doing. If you're okay with that, what's wrong with what I was saying?"
"Let's play back the recording," suggested Emily dryly, "and see if you can't figure it out."
=//=//=Cody
He hesitated in the doorway of the surgery, looking for the doctor.
That was actually deliberate on my part. The intent was to have people wondering what Riley said to Mike that was so wrong before realising she's referring to what Riley said to Cody in the recording they then watch.I actually found this transition a little jarring. For the first 1/2 of the Cody part was trying to figure out what Riley had said to Mike to get Piggot so worked up, given that Riley's talk to Mike happened immediately before the Piggot PoV.
Perhaps throwing in a "2 hours prior" or similar line would make things clearer.
It just doesn't seem to mesh with the rest of the chapter's style, the rest seems to be chronological except for that one part... and really, making your readers re-read the riley/mike converstion 3-4 times before giving up and moving on is just bad writing... or trolling.... same thing really.That was actually deliberate on my part. The intent was to have people wondering what Riley said to Mike that was so wrong before realising she's referring to what Riley said to Cody in the recording they then watch.
Not many people seemed to be confused by it.It just doesn't seem to mesh with the rest of the chapter's style, the rest seems to be chronological except for that one part... and really, making your readers re-read the riley/mike converstion 3-4 times before giving up and moving on is just bad writing... or trolling.... same thing really.
I wouldn't put it in quite as strong language, but I'm actually with edale on this one. It sounds like it was purposeful confusion, and that's a thing that's worked for you before, but this time seemed a little heavy on the reader uncertainty and a little light on the payoff.
Perhaps throwing in a "2 hours prior" or similar line would make things clearer.
It would have to be afterward, given that she makes no mention of being banned from the cafeteria.
Right, but that's information that comes out afterward. She isn't banned from the cafeteria until after the flashback to Cody finishes, by which time the reader has figured out the timing anyway. Just starting the Cody section with "Earlier" or the like would dispel the initial confusion about when that scene takes place, while still letting the reader think Piggot was talking about Mike until the Cody scene begins.It would have to be afterward, given that she makes no mention of being banned from the cafeteria.
Okay, I'll give that a go.Right, but that's information that comes out afterward. She isn't banned from the cafeteria until after the flashback to Cody finishes, by which time the reader has figured out the timing anyway. Just starting the Cody section with "Earlier" or the like would dispel the initial confusion about when that scene takes place, while still letting the reader think Piggot was talking about Mike until the Cody scene begins.
No, you're not, but perhaps you've misunderstood the nature of the objection? If reader confusion is avoidable - even momentary confusion - then an alteration that avoids it is desirable, as it improves the reader's experience.Am......am I the only one who reads something fully then goes back to reread it if I didn't understand it? Because doing it that way didn't leave me any real trouble in understanding it......And are we that impatient to finish reading things?
It's less complaining and more constructive criticism.I've never considered momentary confusion of that nature to be worth commenting on, let alone complaining about, and seeing it brought up in-thread always kind of baffles me.
It just so happens Ack is one of the authors that'll actually listen and try to fix things.
You're obviously not familiar with Harlan Ellison.He's one of the ones that would make a good professional writer, because stuff like this is exactly what a professional editor would tell him, and not flipping out and starting a flamewar with your editor is the mark of a professional writer.