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The War Chronicles of a Little Demon (Youjo Senki alt)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Sunshine Temple, Dec 25, 2021.

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  1. macdjord

    macdjord Well worn.

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    Comma after 'up'. And I think you mean 'commanded'.

    'were' -> 'had been'

    'slowing' -> 'slowed'

    I think 'rough' is supposed to be modifying 'equivalent'? In which case it should come after 'Elenese'.

    Interesting that she doesn't list 'more capable'; with radar, the physical size of the receiver is a major limiting factor, which is why AWACS birds have those huge, awkward dish-shaped antennas on their backs. I guess scrying doesn't suffer from any similar limitation?
     
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  2. Sunshine Temple

    Sunshine Temple Not too sore, are you?

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    Made all the corrections, but the last, as I see rough is modifying the phrase "Elenese equivalent"

    Not as much no. (with a key exception as discussed later) Which is how there can be a Ritual Plate suit that works as an equivalent Recon bird.

    That said one of the reasons Diyu Houses will sortie multiple Recon suits (or planes) (if they have them) is they can get them flying in a spread formation where their scrying systems are doing the analog to aperture synthesis (as seen with synthetic aperture radar , sonar, and telescopes) to where they can collect signals from multiple areas to simulate a far larger platform.

    That's another reason why BlackSkyvian doctrine uses such heavy data sharing over the battle space as that allows Flight Ops to do processing to get an overall picture from the many scrying systems. (And the other Houses copy this as well)
    That said simply by being bigger and having more mass to play around with the Yaryla can have a lot more capability or be a lot less expensive for the same capability (or some mixture of the two)
     
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  3. macdjord

    macdjord Well worn.

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    The suit cannot be roughly Elenese; it either is or isn't. It can, however, be roughly equivalent.

    If I understand you correctly, you are trying to say 'the design that serves the same job in the Elenese army as our Occultia, more or less'. The clearest way to phrase that is 'Elenese rough-equivalent'.
     
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  4. Sunshine Temple

    Sunshine Temple Not too sore, are you?

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    That us true, but that last phrase sounds a bit awkward. Maybe "the Elenese suits the rough equivalent" would work best.
     
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  5. Extras: Omake on the other side: Double Demons
    Sunshine Temple

    Sunshine Temple Not too sore, are you?

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    Here's another one I wrote and can be read on WrandmWaffles 's A Young Vampire's Cohabitation Arrangements thread as it crosses with that story.

    Where Tauria, her... well he's still cohabiting with her, strickly speaking and her twin sister end up in a... different Chicago.


    Double Demons takes place a bit after the Battle of Chicago, in terms of both Tanya's experiences.
     
    averagejoe32 likes this.
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