Vamprinny Quest [Disgaea/Hellsing]

Looks like Maderas and the kitty hat won by a few votes each. Hopefully it'll be an update tonight or tomorrow.

Kinda funny, I really just included that hat as a joke.

 

Did we kill Pleinair?

 

If you didn't, she's hiding REALLY well.

 

Yeah she's prolly not dead. Mascot protection and all. Best to leave her be for now.

 

Wow, this was not timely at all. On the other hand, it is at least 50% longer than my usual update size.


[X] I feel pretty, oh so pretty~
[X] Nosferatu, ho!

You have decided; your first target will be the Nosferatu Maderas. You shall see the level of the local vampires for yourself – before you crush them entirely. If this Maderas is particularly disappointing, you might even allow Etna her ‘dibs’! You adjust your yellow floppy hat with the kitty ears fussily. Red may be your best color, but there was just something about the perky protrusions, like somewhere deep inside you a young girl is clapping her hands in amusement.

“Hey kids, we’re going on a field trip!” you inform the assembling crowd of penguin-shaped minions.

“Awesome!”
“Our prayers are answered!”
“Finally getting away from the nightmare castle!”

“Except for you guys,” you correct yourself. Obviously those three don’t love your new castle enough yet.

“Aw… dood…”

“Where are we going, boss dood?” one of the others asks.

“We’re going after Maderas. Which means we’re heading to…” you wave Etna forward to tell everyone about your travel destinations.

“Jotunheim, cursed land of icy death!” she explains happily. “The utter ass-end of the Netherworld, where we ship all our vassals that displease the Overlord but that – for one reason or another – aren’t vaporized immediately. It may be the most terrible place in the entire world!”

“This sucks, dood!”
“Can I stay in the castle of blood and excrement, please?”
“Why? This sounds great!” that one weird prinny chips in.
“Dood, there is something wrong with you,” the one next to him tells him.

“Nope!” Etna is still chipper. You think she might actually be humming ‘Kill Maderas! Kill Maderas!’ under her breath to the tune of opera. Where she might have heard Wagner, you’re not sure. You’re also not sure when you might have heard Wagner. She adds. “We have vassals to beat into shape and/or kill! Seriously, why can’t you guys be more like #5 over there? Prinny Squad, move out!”

The enthusiastic #5 preens.

“Okay, but… how do we get through the gate, dood?” one prinny asks.

“What?”
“Well, he killed the gatekeeper,” the prinny points out.
“Oh yeah…”

“Problem, Etna?” you ask casually.

“No way, Prince, I’ll have this fixed up in a sec,” she assures you. “Hmm…”

She pokes at the blue-white glowing, swirling vortex – standing upright without assistance – with her spear experimentally.

“Quit that,” the spear tells her.

“You’re not the boss of me,” she retorts childishly.

“Bad enough you threw the young Prince out like yesterday’s garbage –“ Today’s garbage, technically. “-but now you use me as your … your poking stick?” Longinus begins to lecture.

“What do you mean? The Prince is right here,” Etna points at you.

“I watched you make the switch myself, and it wasn’t subtle,” the weapon reminds her. Etna just stares at him blankly. Either she’s a good actor determined to stick to the script, or she’s forgotten the entire event.

“Gonna be honest,” you admit. “I don’t really care about any of this. I’ll be over here throwing minions through the portal and seeing what happens, come get me if you need me.”

“Master Etna, please don’t leave us with him!”
“Help!”

“Well sure I’ll help!” Etna sounds insulted that she would do anything else. “Prince, remember to throw with the hips, get your whole body behind it. That’s how you get the most out of a prinny toss-”

“I can use it!” one prinny shouted desperately.
“Oh?” Etna prods.
“Oh yeah, totally,” he nods rapidly. “I’m a great gatekeeper!”

“All right. Prince, we have a willing vic- um, a candidate!”

“Okay~” you say lazily. One’s as good as the other, really.

The prinny gulps. Sweat oozes out of his rubbery skin as he waddles to the front of the pack. He starts poking at the swirling ovoid. Sure enough, a destination is swiftly inputted and the gate changes in that subtle way that means its become active.

“Okay then, you in the back, front and center. We’re sending you through!”

“Why me, dood?” the prinny whines.
“Yeah, why him?” #5 whines too. “I could totally go!”

“Because I expect he’s going to end up in a lake of lava or something,” Etna says matter-of-factly.

“Aw, dood…”
“Do you want to kick him in or shall I?” Etna offers.

You ponder. Rank does have its privileges…

“I’m going, I’m going!” the prinny sulks. “You’re both terrible, by the way.”

Then the prinny hops through.

“So how do we know if he succeeds?” one of the penguin-mob wonders.

“Well, if he doesn’t come back, I guess he failed?”
“Or he ran.”
“Then I’d have to hunt him down like a dog,” Etna says sweetly.

The prinny pops back in almost immediately. “Ice and snow,” he reports glumly. “Jerk doods.”

“You heard the man,” Etna snaps. “Move out!”

After trooping through the portal, they do indeed find themselves in a land of frigid winter. The ground beneath their feet is cool blue ice, and a snow-laden wind seems to blow all the time, cutting like a knife against unprotected flesh. For some reason, despite essentially being merely a soul inside a heavy rubber coat, prinnies can still feel cold, just like they do pain. Etna, by comparison, wanders around in a brief leather bikini and shows no discomfort whatsoever.

This is agreed by all present to be because the universe hates prinnies.

“Well, we’re here. Now what?” you ask.

Etna slowly turns in a full circle, studying the horizon. “That’s… a good question.”

“You’ve never been here before.”

“Nope,” she admits.

“Castle spotted, doods!” One prinny had scaled a small hill, and was pointing to the distant north, which did indeed have a forboding black stone castle sitting atop a hill.

“There we go!” Etna cheers. “Off we go, everyone! Keep together and don’t wander off guys, I’ll need each and every one of you meatshields in case of emergencies! I mean valued subordinates. Yeah.”

The smirk in your heart is mostly lost when translated to your thick beak. You feel sorry for that. “You’re not even trying now, are you?”

Etna shrugs. “Who cares? They don’t dare run away for fear of my wrath, and even if they get away without me catching them and peeling them like a banana, there’s always more where they came from.”

“So true.”

Onward.

Now and again you run into what are probably supposed to be patrolling squads of prinnies, but the lazy souls are mostly just procrastinating and lazing about in the cold.

“Ahh! It’s Demon Etna!” come the predictable shrieks, the wailing of the soon-to-be-damned. “She’s come to take us away from our well-paying jobs-“ by prinny standards, presumably, “and make us her slaves!”

They scatter like mice before the cat, and then comes the enjoyable process of hunting them down. Etna and her prinny subordinates go after them with brutal, ruthless efficiency. The locals’ dark hides – darker than normal prinny hide, near-black - does a terrible job of hiding them in the snow, they’re mostly clumsy and terrified, and Etna’s group has little problem bringing them down.

You assist in the sense that occasionally shooting the runners probably helps Etna’s group take them in easier, if you don’t kill the Durians outright.

[x8 Dark Durians acquired!]

Ignoring the screams and cries of the new reinforcements, you grab a prinny and ask, “No sympathy for your new brethren?”

“If we have to deal with Master Etna, dood, why should they get off easy?” the prinny tells you spitefully.

“Ha! Well said.” Its very human of him, really.

“We should head for the castle straight off,” Etna says after she gets done putting the fear of herself into them. A process which mostly involves whips, chains and, strangely, slapping them with wads of bills. It seems to work for her, however. “We missed a few stragglers, and they’ll probably have run right back to the castle to let Maderas know we’re here.”

“Oh, Maderas already knows, Etna,” a mauve bat transforms into a full-figured honey-blond haired woman with horns, black wings and a spade-tipped tail. She says throatily, “Finally, you’re here. It’s not good to keep a woman of my caliber waiting, you know <3”

You can actually hear the heart tacked on at the end of the sentence.

A recently-disciplined prinny of Maderas’s shouts, “You’re in trouble now! Lady Antoire is a professional assassin of noble caste, a master of pain and death! She always hits her target! And she enjoys her victim’s death cries, dood! Lady Antoire, please use your powers to spank Master Etna, dood!”

“Thank you, darling. I also enjoy hearing my foes plead for their lives, if you’d care to try that too, little girl.”

“Oh, it’s back into the discipline room for you, pal. And why does Maderas keep hiring catwomen and big-titted succubi?” Etna groans. “You guys are worthless for any real work.”

“Not really seeing the problem,” you admit with a shrug, keeping an eye on the assassin in scanty attire. That flash of recollection that came and went at the sight of Etna’s eyes flares again. Yes, those are the boobs! You’d recognize them anywhere! And the hair is the right color…

It wasn’t a big-titted succubi, but rather a police girl with a fantastic rack! Huh, that's a weird thing to remember.

“Jealousy is so unattractive, darling. Just because some have the misfortune of birth – in various ways – doesn’t give them the ability to talk up to their betters that way.” The way she bounces when she says it makes it clear what at least one of those misfortunes are.

Etna’s eyebrow twitches in a similar movement.

“You have to admit, this is more like what you think when someone says ‘succubus’,” you gesture at Antoire, having no problem throwing fuel on the fire.

“That’s it, I’m going to have to kill everyone that’s involved here. Sorry Prince.”
“It’s fine.” You’ll get better.

Of course the succubus isn't alone, but her reinforcements are mostly just more prinnies and some very strange flying creatures, but there are a lot of them. The imps look vaguely dragon-like with large claws, powerful wings and a maw of teeth sewn with great white stitches. But around the middle point, they instead taper down to a bony whip like the fused vertebrae of a spine, capped with handsome gold bangles.

“That’s it, you’re going down, bitch!”
“Come on then, if you have what it takes!”

You largely ignore the succubi pair throwing fire, ice and laser beams at one another while posing sexily. The poses actually seem to cause the laser beams. You’re content with the large numbers of free targets, yourself. It’s like a shooting gallery! The ‘durian’ prinnies come at you with knives and guns and bombs, but aren’t very agile on the ice. They take to performing little hops assisted by their tiny wings. Your own prinny minions jump into the fray with terrified screams, producing a whirling melee of stabbing, blasting, and exploding. This would be all but impossible to shoot into if you minded casualties on your own side from ‘friendly fire’.

That being the case, you begin firing into the scrum immediately.

The winged beasts are trickier: agile in the air, covering large swathes of ground quickly; powerful claws and the spine tail that makes a passable whip; shedding a deadly dust from their wings. And they can heal one another. Though that does involve them holding still for a moment, which gives you all the time in the world to line up a shot…

Truly, these Netherworld monsters are the most fun you’ve had since... World War II? You’re pretty sure it’s World War II. No matter. Who knows what tricks they can pull out of their nonexistent asses to hit you with next?

You take a moment to look in on Etna and Antoire’s little duel. They seem to be shouting something about ‘the ancient art of magichange’ while swinging prinnies at one another like improvised clubs by way of the convenient handles where their feet should be. You’re not entirely sure what the point is, because the prinnies don’t seem to have changed form or anything, and they mostly make poor bludgeons.

One of the imps – a different color from the rest - takes your moment of inattention to spiral up into the air and actually blast you with a bolt of lightning. It fries you instantaneously; if you had a heart or brain, it would probably have damaged it beyond repair. But given you lack all those things, regeneration is already well on its way to healing you up. You ignore the smell of cooked chicken in the air and bring the high flyer down with a hail of bullets.

The field of battling monsters is regrettably thinning, but it does allow you to watch when Etna tosses her prinny-bludgeon directly at her foe. Antoire blocks with her own and deflects it to explode, with a final wail, some short distance away. The distraction is enough for Etna to pull out Longinus from... somewhere... and stab the hated noble demon right in the gut. Longinus sinks in up to the eyebrows, nearly cutting her in half. Etna uses it as a lever to pick Antoire up and fling her in an blood-gushing arc to land in a convenient pile of snow face-first.

“T’was not well done,” Longinus points out disapprovingly.
“What – stabbing? Using a weapon?” Etna clarifies.
“A legendary weapon such as mineself in such a disagreement is rather unfair,” the spear complains huffily.
“Yeah, don’t care.”

While they spoke, Etna walks over to the prostrate demon girl and begin kicking her enthusiastically, prompting yelps and whines from the succubus.

“Ooo! Ouch! You fiend! … Mmm.”

Etna grunts, “Why! Aren’t! You! Dead! Yet!” punctuating each question with a sharp kick, making sure to dig in her boot toes, before finally taking a step back..

The succubus stretches luxuriously, covered in wounds. You quite enjoy that, and watching her run her tongue over the blood staining her lips too. “Giga Heal, darling. My, I had no idea you were so… forceful.” She gently runs a hand over the thin, six inch scar stretching across her bellybutton, where her near-fatal wound had been. Her spell hadn’t been enough for the injury to entirely fade. “I think I like it. ‘Master’ Etna, wasn’t it? Oh, I’m not going to be able to leave you alone.”

Etna throws her hands up. “Arg, fine. I guess I can always use a big-titted cow to kick around when the prinnies get boring.”

“That’s the idea, Master. Mmm, I had no idea how much fun it is to be on the other side for once! You’re a natural, darling.” The beaten succubus all but floats to her feet, before wrapping her arms, and legs, and even her tail around the smaller demon.

[Antoire the ‘M’ Succubus has forced herself into a position under Master Etna!]

“Such a boner,” you say blandly.
“Shut up, Prince.”

Antoire shoots you an odd look. “Prinnies don’t have those things.”

“Metaphysical boner,” you correct yourself "The boner in my heart."

You look out over the bloody, soot-stained snow. The fallen demons lie thick on the ground, numbering several dozen. “Nevermind, there’s more killing to be done. Maderas is in the ostentatious castle, I assume?”

“Oh, yes. He still has quite a number of succubi, durians and cat-girls in his employ, at least thrice what I brought with me if all the patrols are accounted for,” Antoire cheerfully sells her boss out.

What’s the plan?
[X] Use Antoire to get close to the Nosferatu lord, then backstab him.
[X] Sneak inside like someone who isn’t the next Overlord. See Maderas in his natural habitat.
[X]Break the gate, murder your way through his hand-picked guards, and slay Maderas in his throne room. Perhaps pull the castle down around you as you’re leaving.
[X] Etna didn’t bring the prinnypult all this way for nothing! Prepare the siege weaponry.
[X] Write-in: Other plans? Anything you’d like to ask Antoire?

 

[X]Break the gate, murder your way through his hand-picked guards, and slay Maderas in his throne room. Perhaps pull the castle down around you as you’re leaving.

 

[X]Break the gate, murder your way through his hand-picked guards, and slay Maderas in his throne room. Perhaps pull the castle down around you as you’re leaving.

 

[X]Break the gate, murder your way through his hand-picked guards, and slay Maderas in his throne room. Perhaps pull the castle down around you as you’re leaving.

While we're causing such a wonderful distraction have Etna set up the Prinnypults and begin firing, the constant explosions will lend a nice atmosphere to our assault.

 

If Etna is running the Prinnypults she can't get her revenge on the guy in charge.

 

As TOTALLY fun as a standard castle-breaking is... I really want Alucard to have fun, and still get a chance to see Madaras in his 'natural habitat'. To that end: PLAN BORED ALUCARD

[X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

Really, I just want to see the look on his FACE when he realizes we are not, in fact, one of his prinnies.

Figuratively, of course.

 

[X] Etna didn’t bring the prinnypult all this way for nothing! Prepare the siege weaponry.

 

[X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

 

[X]Break the gate, murder your way through his hand-picked guards, and slay Maderas in his throne room. Perhaps pull the castle down around you as you’re leaving.

 

[X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

 

Oh Bob's Beard y u so awesum
[X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

I also say we should let her beat the ever bloody piss out of him but we get to kill him. So we can drink his blood. And regain powers. Also the ironic factor!

 

X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

 

[X] Changing my vote to this.

 

[X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

 

One problem with the current favorite plan: are we capable of wall phasing someone else's body, or only our own? Cause that could be a problem.

 

Given Alucard can phase through with his guns intact, I'm gonna rule he can phase with anything he considers as 'his'.

 

A solid point. I'm convinced.

 

X] Etna didn’t bring the prinnypult all this way for nothing! Prepare the siege weaponry

 

[X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

 

[X]Break the gate, murder your way through his hand-picked guards, and slay Maderas in his throne room. Perhaps pull the castle down around you as you’re leaving.

 

[x]You've already ruined one estate , your own , in bloody haste. Do it right this time. Counquer. March your way up to the gate demanding surrender and giving death to upstarts. Conscripting Maderas's army by force of arms. Break down the gate and do it some more. Especially the healer and gate guide. Then let your Vassal get her revenge.

 

[X]-Have Etna and Prinnies go to town attacking the traditional way-girl has plenty of issues to work out and isn't that delightful?
[X]-While they're busy, hunt down one of those Dark Durian Prinnies, and give it the honor of being your suit-yes, wear the local prinny!
[X]-Use wall phasing and gratuitous violence to get ahead of the line of battle, and check in on Maderas.

 

I just had a thought.. I want to see Alucard Prinny vs Valvatorez...

 

That's some post-game content son!