• The site has now migrated to Xenforo 2. If you see any issues with the forum operation, please post them in the feedback thread.
  • Due to issues with external spam filters, QQ is currently unable to send any mail to Microsoft E-mail addresses. This includes any account at live.com, hotmail.com or msn.com. Signing up to the forum with one of these addresses will result in your verification E-mail never arriving. For best results, please use a different E-mail provider for your QQ address.
  • For prospective new members, a word of warning: don't use common names like Dennis, Simon, or Kenny if you decide to create an account. Spammers have used them all before you and gotten those names flagged in the anti-spam databases. Your account registration will be rejected because of it.
  • Since it has happened MULTIPLE times now, I want to be very clear about this. You do not get to abandon an account and create a new one. You do not get to pass an account to someone else and create a new one. If you do so anyway, you will be banned for creating sockpuppets.
  • Due to the actions of particularly persistent spammers and trolls, we will be banning disposable email addresses from today onward.
  • The rules regarding NSFW links have been updated. See here for details.

Wyvern - Worm AU fanfic

Reader mode
Ack said:
She didn't expect Armsmaster to just come out with the accusation.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Even so, she should have interrupted Taylor's next line with something to the effect of "Say nothing until your lawyer arrives."

Taylor: "Who?"
Sarah: "Who do you think?" *dials Carol*

Asheram said:
Never heard that nickname? He wields a halberd and has an iconic beard. Halbeard. :D
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Lung doesn't seem to exist in this AU.
 
With Bakuda, she Triggered, then spent the next X days building bombs to threaten her college with. Not a Trigger event situation.

Also...WTF? Ack, your fanon is showing. Armsmaster would not be that unreasonable in that situation, especially with someone obviously friendly with an entire team of heroes. and especially with someone who's OBVIOUSLY (even to him) a new Trigger.

At most he'd demand to take her in for questioning, not arrest right off the bat.
 
I have to agree that Armsmaster trying to arrest Taylor in that situation was a bit much, even for him. I think Edale's suggestion has merit. It is more reasonable behavior for someone in his position. And, if he says it in an extremely stern voice (which I could see him doing) it would still panic Taylor and allow you to end the scene with The Halbeard symbolically cast... in a bad light.
 
I agree with edale - Armsmaster was acting like he'd just taken stupid pills before entering the house.

Sure he's socially inept, but you don't get to being the local head of protectorate without at least some leadership skills and a dash of common sense.
 
steamrick said:
I agree with edale - Armsmaster was acting like he'd just taken stupid pills before entering the house.

Sure he's socially inept, but you don't get to being the local head of protectorate without at least some leadership skills and a dash of common sense.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Yeah, I agree with this. Arnsmaster makes stupid mistakes, but this seems stretching it even for him.
 
Ack said:
Wait, so not arresting someone who just admitted to a crime in front of him?
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
She shouldn't have had the chance to admit to the crime in the first place before Sarah throws her hand over Taylor's mouth and tells her to say nothing until her lawyer (Carol) arrives. You already confirmed that she'll interrupt at the start of the next chapter anyway; just speed up her reaction time a bit.
 
Ack said:
Wait, so not arresting someone who just admitted to a crime in front of him?
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

There's a time and place and Armsmaster has got to be politically savvy enough that New Wave wouldn't be having tea time with someone that just fire bombed a school.

Besides I don't think there's a signed arrest warrant out yet (?) so Armsmaster has the latitude to simply ask her to come in for questioning in regards to the crime.
No need to play hardball from the get go when you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Or something like that.
 
SwiftRosenthal said:
She shouldn't have had the chance to admit to the crime in the first place before Sarah throws her hand over Taylor's mouth and tells her to say nothing until her lawyer (Carol) arrives. You already confirmed that she'll interrupt at the start of the next chapter anyway; just speed up her reaction time a bit.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Asking Ack to rewrite the chapter is going a wee bit too far Swift. Just because not everyone is behaving in a logical matter. Humans generally don't do that.

While I agree the scene seems a little forced, I'm willing to wait and see where Ack goes with it from here.
 
OverReactionGuy said:
Asking Ack to rewrite the chapter is going a wee bit too far Swift. Just because not everyone is behaving in a logical matter. Humans generally don't do that.

While I agree the scene seems a little forced, I'm willing to wait and see where Ack goes with it from here.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Ack has already rewritten it - see the SB and SV versions until he makes the edit here - but he only changed "ARREST NOW" to "Bring you in for questioning." It's not the change I would have made, which is only two lines earlier.
 
Ack said:
Okay, attempted arrest changed out.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Well, never mind then.

SwiftRosenthal said:
Ack has already rewritten it - see the SB and SV versions until he makes the edit here - but he only changed "ARREST NOW" to "Bring you in for questioning." It's not the change I would have made, which is only two lines earlier.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Still, it is going to far to ask an author that is writing a story for free to rewrite something just because you didn't like how it was handled.
 
steamrick said:
There's a time and place and Armsmaster has got to be politically savvy enough that New Wave wouldn't be having tea time with someone that just fire bombed a school..
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Actually, no.
"It's the politics," Colin spoke, leaning back, "I'm good at this. Better than most, if you don't mind me boasting. Everything I bring to the table, I worked my ass off for. But when it comes to shaking hands, managing people, navigating the bureaucracy… I'm not good at it, won't ever be. Because of that, I'm getting demoted, and I can probably give up on ever being in charge of another team."
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
 
SwiftRosenthal said:
Exceptions: Rachel, Bakuda


Also, wouldn't it make more sense for Carol to enter lawyer mode wait, shit, Carol isn't there. Regardless, Sarah should've picked up enough of her sister's jargon over the years to tell Taylor to not say anything until Carol arrives.

Armsmaster would still want to arrest Taylor, of course, but this way she wouldn't admit to anything without a lawyer present.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Luckily, Taylor can't say anything as a dragon.
 
Good chapter. Funny and touching scenes and meetings. And Armsmaster just got served, so to speak. Now I wonder how he will react.
 
Okay.

Before anyone makes any more comments, this is the passage in question as it stands. Read it before making any more comments.

"You're Taylor Hebert," he announced, surprise in his voice.

"I … yes, I am," I admitted.

"You blew up your locker at Winslow, damaged other lockers extensively, and set the school on fire."

"I, uh, did, I guess, yeah, but -"

His voice was grim. "In doing so, you endangered the lives of your fellow students. People could have died. I'm going to have to ask you to come in for questioning about this matter."

I heard Mrs Pelham's voice off to the side, but not what she was saying. My blood pounded in my ears. This time, I felt the change coming on. No, no, no, no -

Arms lengthened into wings, and membranes grew between my fingers and my arms. My t-shirt was gone, torn to shreds. My jeans – I was going through them at a phenomenal rate, just today – tore and split away from my growing tail, my changing legs. In just a few seconds, in my draconic form, I crouched before Armsmaster, mouth open and wings spread in an unconscious threat display. I couldn't roar, or perhaps I had not yet figured out how, but I was making a pretty loud noise anyway.

He reached behind his back, there were several rapid click-click noises, and his halberd was in his hands. It was perhaps the most versatile weapon in Brockton Bay. Everyone knew that it could cut through steel like soft butter. And he was threatening me with it.

"Stand down!" he shouted. "I will use all necessary force -"

Flame roiled in my gullet, my head dipped low, and I spat fire. Not the explosive fireball that had opened the locker for me, but a tight, controlled burst. Blue-white at the core, blue around the edges; it illuminated the room with actinic brightness. Armsmaster ducked away, but it wasn't aimed at him. When he next looked at his halberd, the head was simply gone, with just a drooping blob of metal at the tip. Behind him, a line of globs of molten metal sizzled on the lawn.

Stepping back carefully, I brought my wings in close to my body, and closed my mouth. Your move.


End of Part Four
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I'm going to bed. Where I should have been two hours ago.
 
Ack said:
Okay.

Before anyone makes any more comments, this is the passage in question as it stands. Read it before making any more comments.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

It still feels forced to me. Taylor may be too preoccupied with shifting to hear what Sarah was saying, but Armsmaster should have. That plus how none of the present New Wave was reacting in surprise at the accusation should have raised some warnings in his mind.

Taylor also seems to be flipping back and forth mentally between instinct and reason pretty fast.
 
Garahs said:
It still feels forced to me. Taylor may be too preoccupied with shifting to hear what Sarah was saying, but Armsmaster should have. That plus how none of the present New Wave was reacting in surprise at the accusation should have raised some warnings in his mind.

Taylor also seems to be flipping back and forth mentally between instinct and reason pretty fast.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Armsmaster is standing on the doorstep. He can't see anyone but Taylor and maybe Sarah.

He's currently concentrating on Taylor.

Taylor tends to act largely on instinct when she first changes, but she can regain control as well.
 
Ack said:
Okay, attempted arrest changed out.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Well I was going to point out that Armsmaster still jumped to potentially lethal force as a measure far too quickly, but:
Ack said:
Okay.

Before anyone makes any more comments, this is the passage in question as it stands. Read it before making any more comments.

I'm going to bed. Where I should have been two hours ago.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Seems you already covered it; though you still need to update this site's version to the fixed dialog.

Much more believable now. Still has Armsmaster's complete lack of tact, while not having him as almost as off-the-handle as Shadow Stalker (a trend I've noticed in far too many Worm fics, he's an ass, not an idiot). And he is the type to blurt out all the potential crimes an action had without thinking of the context... until it's pointed out to him...

Enjoy your sleep. G'nite mate (that even a saying, or am I just butchering 'G'day mate'?).
Garahs said:
Taylor also seems to be flipping back and forth mentally between instinct and reason pretty fast.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Taylor Triggered what, like 3 hours ago? With powers with a strong instinctual aspect (else she wouldn't be able to fly, or breathe different types of flames).

It is to be expected that she has some instinct-based confusion for a while.
 
This is roughly how I'd rewrite the scene:


Omake: The Hand That Feeds


"You're Taylor Hebert," he announced, surprise in his voice.

"I … yes, I am," I admitted.

"You blew up your locker at Winslow, damaged other lockers extensively, and set the school on fire."

HCV9YvU.png


"I, uh, mmMMmFFF"

Mrs. Pelham threw her hand over my mouth before I could continue, and began barking out orders. "Vicky, call your mom and tell her to come over here ASAP. Taylor, do not say another wo-"

I couldn't hear the rest. My blood pounded in my ears. This time, I felt the change coming on. No, no, no, no -

Arms lengthened into wings, and membranes grew between my fingers and my arms. My t-shirt was gone, torn to shreds. My jeans – I was going through them at a phenomenal rate, just today – tore and split away from my growing tail, my changing legs. In just a few seconds, in my draconic form, I crouched before Armsmaster, wings spread in an unconscious threat display. I tasted something like copper or pork in my mouth and quickly swallowed before opening wide. I couldn't roar, or perhaps I had not yet figured out how, but I was making a pretty loud noise anyway.

He reached behind his back, there were several rapid click-click noises, and his halberd was in his hands. It was perhaps the most versatile weapon in Brockton Bay. Everyone knew that it could cut through steel like soft butter. And he was threatening me with it.

"Stand down!" he shouted. "I will use all necessary force if -"

Flame roiled in my gullet, my head dipped low, and I spat fire. Not the explosive fireball that had opened the locker for me, but a tight, controlled burst. Blue-white at the core, blue around the edges; it illuminated the room with actinic brightness. Armsmaster ducked away, but it wasn't aimed at him. When he next looked at his halberd, the head was simply gone, with just a drooping blob of metal at the tip. Behind him, a line of globs of molten metal sizzled on the lawn.

Stepping back carefully, the sound of Mrs. Pelham's voice returned. "- the VICTIM of a TRIGGER EVENT!" She finished shouting, gesticulating wildly and spraying blood everywhere from the stump of her left wrist. Wait, what?


End of Part Four




(Yeah, Taylor accidentally bit off and swallowed Sarah's hand. Vicky will have to go pick up Amy too.)
 
Well... that's certainly a way the chapter could have gone.

I think the current version is fine, but that's also an option. I'm not sure if Photon Mom would just keep talking like that while losing a hand and seeing a halberd get ruined.
 
Monkey D. Funky said:
Well... that's certainly a way the chapter could have gone.

I think the current version is fine, but that's also an option. I'm not sure if Photon Mom would just keep talking like that while losing a hand and seeing a halberd get ruined.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Well she's probably running on adrenaline and subconsciously knows that she has a Pan Pan to heal her stump.
 
Reader mode
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 2 (members: 0, guests: 2)
Back
Top