27th August 1999
7:58 GMT
"O-kay. So… In summary, most human myths are a product of encounters with Earth's alien diaspora, and while most aliens on Earth are just keeping their heads down, some actually
are trying to conquer the world."
"I'm not so sure that the vampires are trying to
conquer the world, so much as take what they want from it.
"
"Vampires, who in reality are-" I point to the home-made book in front of me. "-big snake-like creatures disguised by holograms."
"So they are.
"
"And… European myths come from their disguised state, and… Indian myths are based on their undisguised state?"
"I was'no in India at the time. But they're the right shape for nagas, so they are.
"
"They die when exposed to sunlight, zombify people by injecting them with poison from their fangs and the only reason why they haven't conquered the Earth already is that they all hate each other and can't cooperate."
"That's… You're oversimplifying things a little, there. None o' the different species on Earth are really their people's
best. So there's no need to worry about a giant armada flying in and re-enacting The Day The Earth Stood Still.
"
"So who are they?"
"Outcasts and the descendants of refugees. For the most part. I came here to get back to nature, but that's just me.
"
"So what..? Myth..?"
He smiles brightly.
"I'm a
leprechaun.
"
I frown. That seems a little… Light-hearted?
"You'll be wondering why I'm not wearing a green suit and handing out Lucky Charms.
"
"No, I hate those things. I used to eat
Ricicles, and then they ruined them by putting marshmallows in with them. And I was expecting robes from a maltusian, not a tweed suit."
"Ah, different culture, I suppose. I used to run interference between alien settlements and human explorers, which is a lot easier to do when you have holograms to send people the wrong way and gold to buy them off.
"
"Just… Just you?"
"I did the same thing a few times. The stories got around.
"
"Alright. So, why.. do that? Why don't people know about this?"
"How many aliens do you think there are?
"
I glance at the book, but there isn't any census data. Not on that page, anyway.
How many non-human sophonts could realistically hide on Earth? Okay, they've got holographic disguises, but… How could they maintain them? Earth literally wouldn't have been gathering the raw materials they'd need to make them or do maintenance on them until this century. And then there's the issue of genetic variation…
"No need to strain yourself. There are maybe ten thousand lycanthropes around the world. A few hundred vampires and oni. A bit less than a hundred banshees. Every other species is even less than that.
"
"That's… Not sustainable. Is it? I mean… The genetic issues they'd have…"
"It depends, it depends. Some species have technology that gets around those sort o' issues. Or reproduce differently anyway.
" He smiles.
"Others live so long they don't really mind it. But they're outcasts and refugees, not colonists. If they can hang on in the dark corners o' the world for a while it's luck, and not planning.
"
"Refugees? We don't have interstellar trade. Why would they come here?"
"Any port in a storm, lad. One or two ships get out when a planet gets overrun, they're not going to turn their noses up at a world they can live on just because it's a little out o' the way.
"
"Running from… What?"
He shrugs.
"Who knows? Invasions fleets don't usually stop to do a formal introduction, and it was a long time ago. Vampires, oni and lycanthropes all have decent sized fleets near their home worlds… Or they did last time I was over that way. And none of them are shy about starting a fight. Or it could have been someone else.
"
"Okay, so… Why keep them secret? Why not just walk up to a government and introduce themselves?"
"Why'd you think?
"
"Okay, they might have got a violent response during some parts of history, but we know that aliens aren't demons now. Offer technology for sanctuary."
"Some communities have been here for centuries. Very few actually remember their original homes. And as far as technology goes, they might have a few bits and pieces from home, but that doesn't mean they know how it all works. Civilisation is complicated. Knowledge is specialised. Most didn't come with school books or big data archives.
"
"X-Com." He raises his eyebrows. "If the people don't have valuable knowledge, then they're not valuable. But their technology still is, now that we can nearly understand it. A lot of the human… Brain mechanisms for telling us that people are people won't work with sophonts who don't look like us. So there are probably government agencies who are somewhat aware of what's going on, and decided to be murdering, sticky-fingered arseholes about it."
He seems mildly amused.
"That's one way to describe the Alliance, I suppose. Though when the biggest non-human groups on Earth are murderous, sticky-fingered arseholes just the same, I'd recommend not clambering up on your high horse too quickly.
"
"Alliance..? Alliance of who?"
"That's no' really clear to me. They started sticking their nose in about fifty years ago. Their equipment has bits and pieces from just about every species on Earth, aside from the ones which are completely incompatible. Most o' the time they have American accents, but that doesn't mean all that much. Most people who speak English have an American accent.
"
I remember how weird it was listening to the
man in charge of the Millennium Dome speaking English with a noticeable French and American accent.
"So is there some great international conspiracy, or..? Do they just use their technology to spy on other spies and keep them ignorant?"
"I don't rightly know. But if it's a job you're wanting, you can try to find out and let me know when you do.
"
"Sounds manageable. A few plasma cannons won't be enough to stop even a neophyte Lantern like me, unless I do something stupid. I'm not… Sold on this secrecy thing, though."
"Learn a little more about how things work before you rush to pass judgement.
"
I nod. "Will I be getting paid for this?"
"I can put a little gold your way, if it helps.
"
"I don't have any documentation, so trading gold would actually be a little difficult."
"Ah, don't worry. I can sort you out there.
"
"Alright. Spy on X-Com, and keep the secret. Anything else?"
"Those minor species I mentioned? I try to keep an eye on them. Keep them safe. The Alliance has been on a bit of a tear recently. I might be wanting you to provide protection a time or two. We don't really want a big fight, but… Send them on their way.
"
I nod, and offer him my right hand. "I believe we have a deal."
Looking at you, 'Signs'...
