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[RWBY] RWBY Shorts

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CountvonBarnOwl said:
How It Happened – Part 2




Count wrote a continuation.

And this is the second chapter in a row where I managed to light every one of Whitley's nerves on fire. This is not going to be a thing every chapter.

I'll get this posted on SB in short order. But now that Dragonslayer week is over, I felt that it was right to work on something non-Dragonslayer again and was able to bang this out.

Thoughts, feedback?

Also, @AndrewJTalon, nice work on the Cinder & Pyrrha snippet.
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The exposition was pretty well handled. You did misspell "Warrant Offizier". You could tighten up the dialogue a little, though you do have fairly decent voice differentiation between characters.

And thanks. I thought it might have been good if a bit cliche to enhance both Cinder and Pyrrha's characters.
 
AndrewJTalon said:
The exposition was pretty well handled. You did misspell "Warrant Offizier". You could tighten up the dialogue a little, though you do have fairly decent voice differentiation between characters.

And thanks. I thought it might have been good if a bit cliche to enhance both Cinder and Pyrrha's characters.
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Bad idea?

I'm trying to capture the General's Edward Richthofen tone of voice and his propensity to click back into his native when I can get away with it, and the fact that Amzel is basically an archetypal Germanic mad scientist. Unfortunately, the only German I know all involves weapons, munitions, tanks, planes, premodern mercenaries, philosophers I have wildly varying relationships with. Certain classical songs and poems that I particularly like. I cannot say I know very much about the language.

So it comes off as disjointing and breaking the flow of the story? Like, it isn't readily apparent that this is just the way the character talks?

So, might I ask further how I can make Amzel sound like a giggling mad scientist?

In your estimation, what does he lack?
 
Dragonslayer week is almost upon us! So enjoy a few more prompts to get yourselves writing:

-Yang feels ugly and unfeminine after losing her arm and acts more butch. Jaune though tells her she doesn't have to reject the feminine, it's part of who she is, and he still thinks she's beautiful. This sticks with her and she sees Jaune in a new light.

-Jaune is at his lowest in the Ever After. He's been haunted not just by something pretending to be Pyrrha, RWB, Ren and Nora, but also pretending to be Yang. When he meets the real thing again... He embraces her and thinks she's the illusion, admits he loves her and he misses her so much. Explore the fallout when he learns it's the real thing.

-Post-Vytal, Yang unlocks a new level to her Semblance that turns her into a crazed, mad berserker that can't tell friend from foe. Jaune is the one who figures out how to calm her down. She's terrified of her new power but Jaune is determined to help her master it. He wants to be useful and he can take the hits, so he works with her the most.

-Yang and Jaune end up working on Bumblebee together and take her for a test ride, where Yang hopes to get her feelings across to this dense idiot!
 
CountvonBarnOwl said:
Bad idea?

I'm trying to capture the General's Edward Richthofen tone of voice and his propensity to click back into his native when I can get away with it, and the fact that Amzel is basically an archetypal Germanic mad scientist. Unfortunately, the only German I know all involves weapons, munitions, tanks, planes, premodern mercenaries, philosophers I have wildly varying relationships with. Certain classical songs and poems that I particularly like. I cannot say I know very much about the language.

So it comes off as disjointing and breaking the flow of the story? Like, it isn't readily apparent that this is just the way the character talks?

So, might I ask further how I can make Amzel sound like a giggling mad scientist?

In your estimation, what does he lack?
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

His patter needs to be more manic, slow dramatic weighty bits, quicker bits. You can use smaller words or lack of spaces and runon sentences in a few places to better convey his manic feel.
 
Jaune Arc, Single Father 56 New
The surprise came in the form of a tall, broad-shouldered man with the same warm blond hair as Katy and the same easy, slightly crooked grin that Mia had inherited.

Mercer Sith Junior stood in the courtyard of Beacon with a travel bag over one shoulder and a small, carefully wrapped package under his arm. When Jaune stepped out of the dorm with Mia on his hip, Mercer's entire face lit up.

"There she is," he said, voice rough with emotion. "There's my favorite little niece."

Mia blinked, then her ears shot straight up. "Uncle Mercer!"

She practically launched herself out of Jaune's arms. Mercer caught her with a deep, booming laugh and spun her around once before settling her against his chest.

"Hey, troublemaker. Missed you."

Jaune smiled, tired but genuine. "Didn't know you were coming."

"Surprise visit," Mercer said simply. "Had a few days free. Figured I'd come see the little spitfire and make sure Beacon hasn't corrupted her yet."

For the rest of the day, Mercer took Mia into Vale.

They rode the tram with the windows open so she could stick her head out and feel the wind. They bought ice cream (Mercer let her get the biggest cone the shop sold). They visited a toy store where he bought her a small wooden sword and a matching shield "just like Papa's." They fed the ducks at the park, and Mercer made ridiculous duck voices until Mia was laughing so hard she nearly fell over.

Every time she laughed — that bright, unrestrained, pure sound — Mercer went quiet for a second.

It was Katy's laugh.

Almost exactly the same.

He never said anything about it out loud. He just kept making her laugh again and again, as if he could somehow bottle the sound and take it home with him.

By the time they returned to Beacon in the evening, Mia was half-asleep against his shoulder, sticky with ice cream and clutching her new wooden sword like a treasure.

---

Before he left the next morning, Mercer asked Jaune for a private word with the girls.

RWBY and Pyrrha found themselves in an empty classroom with the door closed. Mercer stood with his arms crossed, looking every bit the protective older brother.

"I'm not gonna sugarcoat this," he said. "Katy left that little girl in Jaune's hands, and by extension… in yours. You're the closest thing she has to aunts and a mother figure right now."

His eyes moved from Yang to Ruby to Weiss to Blake to Pyrrha.

"I need you to promise me you'll look after her. Really look after her. Not just when it's convenient. She's all that's left of my sister, and I won't have her growing up without people who love her the way Katy would've wanted."

One by one, they nodded.

Pyrrha's voice was soft but firm. "We will. I swear it."

Yang cracked her knuckles. "Anyone tries to hurt her, they'll answer to me."

Ruby nodded hard. "She's family."

Weiss straightened. "She will be protected. You have my word."

Mercer's gaze lingered on Blake last.

"And you," he said, voice quieter but sharper. "I've heard the stories. I know what you used to be. I'm not here to judge the past… but I am keeping an eye on you. If you ever put Mia in danger — even by accident — you and I are going to have a very long conversation. Understood?"

Blake met his eyes without flinching. "…Understood."

Mercer held her gaze a moment longer, then nodded once. "Good."

He turned back to the group.

"Take care of her. That's all I ask."

---

Later, Mercer crouched down in front of Mia one last time, adjusting the little wooden sword on her back.

"You be good for your papa, okay?"

Mia hugged him tightly around the neck. "Come back soon, Uncle Mercer!"

He closed his eyes for a second, holding her just a little tighter.

"I will, kiddo. I will."

When he finally stood and walked toward the airship, he didn't look back until he reached the boarding ramp. Then he glanced once more at the small group watching him leave — Jaune with Mia in his arms, and the five young women standing protectively around them.

Mercer allowed himself a small, quiet smile.

Katy would've liked them.

He stepped onto the airship and didn't look back again.
 
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