Amelia, Worm AU [Complete]

Peanuckle · Apr 16, 2015

While I think Lisa's PoV here is legitimate, it'd inappropriate to bring it up now.

Assuming Worm is totally materialistic (no soul or anything) then it's true that a complete clone could be considered that person, but it's not that iteration of that person. More importantly, Taylor had defining memories denied to her clone (bad memories, but still). Clone!Taylor is not Original!Taylor, no matter how closely they act.

That said, they're in the middle of a mission with high stakes here. If she really wants to talk about this, she should wait until they're someplace safe, like back on Avalon. Of course, she might think this is the best time because she's afraid the clones will attack her, like you're all suggesting. Damn, people. Look at what you're suggesting: Mind-wipes, parasitic control, thought-interruption... because of what? Having an opinion?

This is a disciplinary issue, not a treachery issue.

EDIT: There's also this:

"Please. We need to work this out. And I want to help. You're my friend, you've been with me since the beginning of the team."

"Yes, I have," she responded. "The problem is, you haven't. None of you have.

People have generally treated Lisa like shit this entire time. It's totally reasonable for her to not care about them in return. Maybe if they didn't do crap like break her ribs and leave her with them, she wouldn't send them into a mission blind.

They really need to sit down and talk about this.

Pathos · Apr 16, 2015

hellgodsrus said:
*snip*

Using the same word over and over again as a writer begins to sound incredibly repetitive, especially when describing a back and forth discussion. "Said" also is just so bland in terms of describing something as opposed to words such as responded that more accurately describes the speech of a person, in this case responding to a question or action.

hellgodsrus · Apr 16, 2015

Pathos said:
Using the same word over and over again as a writer begins to sound incredibly repetitive, especially when describing a back and forth discussion. "Said" also is just so bland in terms of describing something as opposed to words such as responded that more accurately describes the speech of a person, in this case responding to a question or action.

No. Just...no.

That's something objectively terrible (and I use that knowing the full meaning of the phrase) writers think. 'said' is not bland (also if that's the problem, the nine million times he used responded would be just as bad). If it's becoming bland, do something different, like:

Rewritten chunk of 351 said:
"I've found a possible solution to the problem." Alexandria's voice was level, almost bland. "I don't think anyone's going to like it, however."

SuspicionWorry. "Won't cost us anything to hear the idea," Taylor responded.

"We know a parahuman that's likely capable of finding the solution for us," she said. Her eyes turned toward Chevalier, though from the angle we were standing, he wouldn't be able to notice it. "She is, however, quite insane. A very young parahuman, and one that perpetuates the stereotypes that Triggering young increases power."

HorrorTrepidation. Oh! Oh. Fuck. We need a way to remove Chevalier before she arrives, if we choose to use her at all. "What powers does she have?" I already knew the answer to that was 'a lot of them', but it was a smart question to ask in front of Chevalier.

"A Thinker ability that grants unique understanding of powers," Alexandria answered. "She's been using it to help Eidolon optimize his abilities. They've formed something of a rapport with each other, "

"So, basically, we're calling in Eidolon and hoping he has a power that can deal with this mess?" Lisa's interjection here was almost certainly following whatever script she was pulling off of Alexandria, and I was convinced they had something going on that we couldn't tap into any more than they could tap into Taylia.

Plenty of ways to do speech without messy, horrible speech verbs. I'm just thankful no-one growled in 351, my least favourite speech verb on the planet.

See, as an author, your goal should be to get across the scene as accurately as possible from the character's point of view. I don't know if when you're conversing with someone you think 'X responded', 'Y grunted' 'Z exclaimed', but you still know who you're talking to without that - their vocal cadence, their choice of words, their phrasing make the speech identifiable as them, such that some authors are able to write entire books without either said or any other speech verb (the great god Alan Garner).

If faced with a choice, it's better to be dull than overwrite - simplicity always comes across as more elegant than a lot of unnecessary fru-fru.

GiftofLove · Apr 16, 2015

Peanuckle said:
That said, they're in the middle of a mission with high stakes here. If she really wants to talk about this, she should wait until they're someplace safe, like back on Avalon. Of course, she might think this is the best time because she's afraid the clones will attack her, like you're all suggesting. Damn, people. Look at what you're suggesting: Mind-wipes, parasitic control, thought-interruption... because of what? Having an opinion?

Taylor is the one pushing here. Not Lisa.

Sheaman3773 · Apr 16, 2015

TanaNari said:
Postcognition. "Hey, Taylor, you've only existed for four months, the f--- ooooh... you guys are assholes!"

This is what's pissing me off about Lisa's position. If I recall correctly, Taylor's "death" was the first one, and it was also when she second-triggered to get the post-cog.

So the very first time she met a "replacement clone," she had her power telling her that this was a brand new person.

Why the hell is Lisa, of all people, taking her power's word for it? It's a limitation on the power, like she's seen hundreds of times by now! They all have wonky, sometimes arbitrary limitations! Her power's telling her that they're brand new, but all it's looking at is the body, when the mind is much more important. Why is she trusting that? Especially when she knows that Dinah's power can't tell the difference between originals and clones? At best, it should seem like they have different power limitations, not that her power is actually revealing something significant there.

Gah.

Peanuckle · Apr 16, 2015

Sheaman3773 said:
Why is she trusting that? Especially when she knows that Dinah's power can't tell the difference between originals and clones?

Her power, especially after the second-trigger, tends to be correct when it has enough relevant information. And Dinah's power works by images only, so she wouldn't be able to tell Taylor from an empty clone body.

GiftofLove said:
Taylor is the one pushing here. Not Lisa.

That's a good point, though it seems that Lisa is wheeling down a spiral towards breakdown. She's living in close-quarters with all these clones of her dead friends and the only "real" people there either don't know or don't care. She's living in a Twilight Zone episode and it might be interfering with her work, which could have serious consequences given the way she manipulates the team.

CptTagon · Apr 16, 2015

So, more light-hearted. Have Amelia and Taylor developed "Politician's Scrawl" for their signatures yet?

john doe · Apr 16, 2015

Unless the brain copying tech is more inaccurate than it has been portrayed as then I do not agree with her argument, but while they do not need this discussion it is important to figure out what the opinion on this is as they have had this technology for months and it has not been mentioned

incidentally how accurate is the copy tech? And does it keep the timeline accurate, I assume it does but having all of the info go into long term memory at the same time seems like it might cause confusion when recalling things

GiftofLove · Apr 16, 2015

john doe said:
Unless the brain copying tech is more inaccurate than it has been portrayed as then I do not agree with her argument, but while they do not need this discussion it is important to figure out what the opinion on this is as they have had this technology for months and it has not been mentioned

incidentally how accurate is the copy tech? And does it keep the timeline accurate, I assume it does but having all of the info go into long term memory at the same time seems like it might cause confusion when recalling things

She hasn't made her argument yet.

Argentorum · Apr 16, 2015

Omake: Just Desserts (or "What Amelia and Taylor should do to Lisa for being such an insensitive bitch.") -Taylor

"Then tell me why," I begged. "Please. We need to work this out. And I want to help. You're my friend, you've been with me since the beginning of the team."

"Yes, I have," she responded. "The problem is, you haven't. None of you have. The only founding members left of Pantheon are me, and fucking Bonesaw. Taylor died, and Amelia, and Crystal. Missy and Theo. You're their replacements, and I am the only one who even cares enough to mourn their deaths."

...
I blinked. Shock.Confusion. That makes two of us Amelia. "Only one who even cares-?!" I barely hold myself back from punching her. But no, that's just what she wanted here. It was blatantly obvious. She wanted me to explode, or she wanted me to drop it, or any other number of things. I grit my teeth, well fuck that. Lisa had fucked up big time, if she wanted to escalate in order to cover her ass, I could do the same.

I let out a breath pushing my emotions into the bond, focusing more on my swarm Worry.Concern. I squeeze Amelia's hand before turning to face Lisa in full. Her smirk was fixed on her face, like a dare. "Wow." I said. "Thank you for that. Thank you for calling my very existence into question, thank your for being more of a bitch than usual just to cover you own ass." I took a breath. "But most importantly, thank you for showing me exactly why the other version, oh sorry, the real version of me stopped considering you a friend."

"You know that might actually hurt my feelings." Lisa said. "But I don't consider you a real person, so this is kinda like arguing with a box for me. You don't know why she hated me."

"Why?" I asked. "Because you don't?" I waited for a moment, carefully packaging off most of my attention to the swarm. Lisa frowned. "I know you can't read me like this. But don't you want to guess why?" I said. "Don't you want to know why your best and only friend hated you enough to kill herself?"

Lisa flinched. Huh. Holy shit other me, but there were more important things going on here.

"Why?" She asked mockingly, smirk firmly back in place. "Because I stuck my nose in your business? cause I'm a know it all and a massive bitch besides?"

I shook my head and lowered my 'barriers' so she could read me. "I hate you." I said. "Because despite all that we've been through, despite all that you and the original Taylor went through, somehow you still ended up as a selfish, whiny, child." I glared at her. "This isn't about you 'caring enough to morn', this is about you dodging the blame because you aren't mature enough to confess that you made a mistake!" Surprise.Agreement.Concern. I shook it off.

Lisa blinked, which was as good as a gaping mouth on anybody else. But she recovered quickly enough, god forbid that Lisa let anyone else have the last word.

It was sad, in a way, that these days I tended to like Emma more than her.

I was done playing this little game though.

The best thing about being able to pay attention to any number of things, was that there were any number of other things to pay attention to as well. I turned my eyes to the rest of Avalon, sweeping my consciousness across it while I gave enough attention to my shadowcats enough attention to continue the S&R.

Lisa said something, which I ignored. Her smirk grew nasty, I turned my thoughts elsewhere. The restaurant on Avalon was doing well as always, it was nice to see- Disgust!Anger!Outrage!

My head whipped around, eyes widening. Amelia had Lisa suspended in the air by her neck. "Amy! Wha-?!" Anger.Disdain.Resolution.

"We both know the real reason that you're so angry about this." Amelia said. "What you drove your best friend to do. Just because you couldn't understand the bond we made, you decided to destroy it. Don't take it out on Taylor because you didn't get the outcome you wanted." She glared at Lisa for a moment more before dropping her. "One week. Seems like a fair punishment that you lose your own version of Taylia for that long right?"

"Amelia, that's-" I glanced between Alexandria, her lips pressed into a thin line, and Lisa, sitting on the ground and trembling. "That's a bit extreme isn't it? I didn't even hear what she said."

Justified.Care.Love. "I know." She said. "And that's the only reason why I didn't kill her and bring her back as a clone. See how she likes her power telling her she doesn't exist."

I turned my gaze to Alexandria. The woman sighed and looked away. She looked, disappointed, and for a moment I wondered if she was upset about Amelia's actions, or Lisa's.

-----

Blatant power wank, I'll admit it. I just had this scene on my mind since reading last chapter. And ended up writing it. I guess it really isn't an "Omake" or anything like that, but here it is.

I love Lisa as a character, she's great, but it's times like this that I really really hate her.

Yes it's true that she has some reason to act the way he does because of her power, and yes Taylor was pushing her. But to me, Taylor was just trying to figure out why Lisa had sent several of their major players on a mission without letting anyone know about it, simply to be with Alexandria. And when questioned, Lisa's response was "Lol you're not a real person, I don't have to tell you anything."

So yeah, I'm pretty angry with her right now, I'm sure you all can see it in this snip.

dasstan · Apr 16, 2015

Argentorum said:
snip

I get that you're angry, but if you're going to make a non-crack omake, how about you have Amelia take an action that doesn't cripple their major administrative tool. Otherwise the omake is just... Pantheon shooting itself in the foot to teach Lisa a lesson.

Diller · Apr 16, 2015

Peanuckle said:
That's a good point, though it seems that Lisa is wheeling down a spiral towards breakdown. She's living in close-quarters with all these clones of her dead friends and the only "real" people there either don't know or don't care. She's living in a Twilight Zone episode and it might be interfering with her work, which could have serious consequences given the way she manipulates the team.

That's because absolutely no one wants to talk about it especially Lisa.

oneeyedpike said:
And Lisa's habit of never acknowledging her emotional problems until she's pissed everyone off is continuing, good to see it.

This quote basically sums up everything. If Lisa actually talked out her issues with everyone instead of passive aggressively taking out her frustrations on everyone then she wouldn't be so frustrated.

There's a reason pretty much everyone agrees that Lisa is a bitch. Even Alexandria noted her abrasive ness and other flaws.

The reason everyone gives her shit is because he does the same to them like how she dropped this mission that turned into a clusterfuck Crystal's team without notifying her beforehand. It's ine thing to do this to the Protecterate but Crystal is her teammate. Crap like this is why people dislike her and is the same reason Taylor is calling her out on it.

Essentially it goes back to the main them of Worm. If people actually talked their problems out instead of being assholes to each other then things would be a lot vetter

Though its not entirely her fault. The girl second triggered and never had anyone to really tal this out with. She's just starting to open up to Alexandria and we just saw she views the current Taylor. Those are pretty much the only people she's actually close with and she either doesn't try to get close to the others or they avoid her when they can thanks to her attitude.

If things don't go completely south then the upcoming conversation will do her a lot of good.

TanaNari · Apr 16, 2015

Coruscant Knave said:
Was this supposed to be Lily instead of Sabah? Sabah was unconscious a few lines ago.

No she wasn't.

Coruscant Knave said:
Obviously, the solution is to kill and revive Lisa.

T7W made the same suggestion. Ergo: you should feel shame and disgust with yourself.

RocjawCypher said:
I am greatly amused by the incredibly subtle reference to the old "Some dumbass tried to mug taylor" joke.

Thanks. I actually wanted to do one of those early on. It would have been during the school arc. In the brief few noncomprehending seconds that Taylor just stood there in shock at the idea this was happening, Riley would have gotten all excited and started asking questions and giving pointers on how to hold a knife more menacingly (she knew THE expert, after all).

hellgodsrus said:
Speech verbs other than said. Why use them so often?

Stylistic choice. I hate the word 'said' and will go out of my way to avoid using it. Don't like it? Well, I'm always open to useful tips I can use to improve myself as a writer, but you've failed to give any... so you'll either have to fix that or live with it. I'm okay with either outcome.

... Also not a fan of "asked", but, well, it's rarer and thus less annoying. Plus there's fewer alternatives that aren't clunky as fuck.

Peanuckle said:
That said, they're in the middle of a mission with high stakes here.

No they're not.

john doe said:
as they have had this technology for months and it has not been mentioned

It's been mentioned a lot, actually. The eventual conclusion was "it's fucked up, but we're doing it anyway" by most of them.

Argentorum said:
Omake: Just Desserts

Well, it *is* an omake, so I'll put it up there. But it's not a very good one. Not a single character acting remotely like themselves.

Argentorum · Apr 16, 2015

dasstan said:
I get that you're angry, but if you're going to make a non-crack omake, how about you have Amelia take an action that doesn't cripple their major administrative tool. Otherwise the omake is just... Pantheon shooting itself in the foot to teach Lisa a lesson.

Yes I acknowledge that. Not only was my snip non crack, but it was more than a little out of character for pretty much everyone. As evidenced by:

TanaNari said:
Well, it *is* an omake, so I'll put it up there. But it's not a very good one. Not a single character acting remotely like themselves.

And you don't have to add it to the list or anything. Like I said it isn't really an omake, just me blowing off some steam from the *God damnit Lisa* pressure cooker. It's just there for me and for the few others like me who really wanted to see Lisa get it after your last story post.

Snake/Eater · Apr 16, 2015

TanaNari said:
"Then tell me why," I begged. "Please. We need to work this out. And I want to help. You're my friend, you've been with me since the beginning of the team."

"Yes, I have," she responded. "The problem is, you haven't. None of you have. The only founding members left of Pantheon are me, and fucking Bonesaw. Taylor died, and Amelia, and Crystal. Missy and Theo. You're their replacements, and I am the only one who even cares enough to mourn their deaths."

I think this song i'm posting is a bit of reach for most people,this is Coldplay's "Fix You" because nothing and no one can fix this...

sephlington · Apr 16, 2015

Whilst we're focusing on Lisa and her power-fuelled existential crisis, we're probably also missing a few of the other important points raised in that last chapter. I say a few, because I see one glaring one, so that means there's likely others I've missed too.

Lisa still sees Riley as Bonesaw ("The only founding members left of Pantheon are me, and fucking Bonesaw.", emphasis mine), despite being surrounded by all kinds of things that only exist because Riley was part of Pantheon. So, that's another way she really hasn't grown as an individual.

hellgodsrus · Apr 16, 2015

TanaNari said:
Stylistic choice. I hate the word 'said' and will go out of my way to avoid using it. Don't like it? Well, I'm always open to useful tips I can use to improve myself as a writer, but you've failed to give any... so you'll either have to fix that or live with it. I'm okay with either outcome.

... Also not a fan of "asked", but, well, it's rarer and thus less annoying. Plus there's fewer alternatives that aren't clunky as fuck.

Well, it *is* an omake, so I'll put it up there. But it's not a very good one. Not a single character acting remotely like themselves.

A pity. I gave some advice in my later post, but if you're unwilling to change I'll wait a few months till I'm sick and my stylistic tolerance increases, then binge on your work.

TanaNari · Apr 16, 2015

hellgodsrus said:
I gave some advice in my later post

I am aware. Thus the qualifier word "useful".

I love qualifiers. They're possibly (yay, another qualifier!) my favorite writing tool.

pepperjack · Apr 16, 2015

TanaNari said:
Well, I'm always open to useful tips I can use to improve myself as a writer, but you've failed to give any...

Well, in my opinion you've just blatently ignored this useful tip for improving yourself as a writer, but I expect you will not value this opinion.

Edit: You don't find it useful? That's odd. I first encountered this one in Stephen King's On Writing, and it's been useful for me ever since.

Ack said:
Provided, of course, that the original isn't still running around

I'd say even if the original is still running around, but then I'm an unconventional variety of cheese.

hellgodsrus · Apr 16, 2015

TanaNari said:
I am aware. Thus the qualifier word "useful".

I love qualifiers. They're possibly (yay, another qualifier!) my favorite writing tool.

Then at least use some with your speech so you aren't bludgeoning us across the head and neck with the prose. It's mostly jarring because it doesn't fit at all with how you do narrative structure (quite delicately) or tone (lots of bathos, shifts, very Shakespearian actually, in the best possible way). The prose is holding you back. I would also like to point out that numerous authors (Ursula K Le Guin, Kurt Vonnegut, etc., etc.) have all pointed out that speech verbs are hideous creatures and that simplicity and plainness is better if you absolutely have to make it a binary choice.

Then again, I've said my piece and you've made it clear you won't listen. Fair enough. As I said, I'll wait till I can stand to read such malformations - i.e., when I have a fever and my taste is lowered - and then binge through your stuff.

TanaNari · Apr 16, 2015

hellgodsrus said:
Then again, I've said my piece and you've made it clear you won't listen.

Now you're just lying.

I very much said I am open to ideas and suggestions. If they're useful. You're not being useful. You're saying "imitate this guy", but not how. No examples given. No samples, say, taking two paragraphs and rewriting them using a style you think would be superior so I can see the difference.

You've done none of those things.

Thus you're not being useful.

So you can't make an argument that I won't listen when you haven't given me anything to listen to.

Ack · Apr 16, 2015

Pathos said:
Using the same word over and over again as a writer begins to sound incredibly repetitive, especially when describing a back and forth discussion. "Said" also is just so bland in terms of describing something as opposed to words such as responded that more accurately describes the speech of a person, in this case responding to a question or action.

I do the exact same thing myself. It's amazing how often you don't need a 'said' word at all, and the rest of the time, taking the time to find the word that conveys the tone of how they're saying it is worth it. My early fics are full of the word 'said'. Later on, not so much. People don't seem to complain at the lack.

dasstan · Apr 16, 2015

The nice thing about the internet is that someone out there has probably already had the argument and presented it in much better way than you ever could. As far as speech verbs go... The self demonstrating article on TVtropes works pretty well.

hellgodsrus · Apr 16, 2015

TanaNari said:
Now you're just lying.

I very much said I am open to ideas and suggestions. If they're useful. You're not being useful. You're saying "imitate this guy", but not how. No examples given. No samples, say, taking two paragraphs and rewriting them using a style you think would be superior so I can see the difference.

I have. Did...did you not notice the rerwritten bit of the opening of 351? Here, I'll repost it

---===---
"I've found a possible solution to the problem." Alexandria's voice was level, almost bland. "I don't think anyone's going to like it, however."

SuspicionWorry. "Won't cost us anything to hear the idea." Taylor shifted slightly beside me.

"We know a parahuman that's likely capable of finding the solution for us," she said. Her eyes turned toward Chevalier, though from the angle we were standing, he wouldn't be able to notice it. "She is, however, quite insane. A very young parahuman, and one that perpetuates the stereotypes that Triggering young increases power."

HorrorTrepidation. Oh! Oh. Fuck. We need a way to remove Chevalier before she arrives, if we choose to use her at all. "What powers does she have?" I already knew the answer to that was 'a lot of them', but it was a smart question to ask in front of Chevalier.

"A Thinker ability that grants unique understanding of powers," Alexandria answered. "She's been using it to help Eidolon optimize his abilities. They've formed something of a rapport with each other, "

"So, basically, we're calling in Eidolon and hoping he has a power that can deal with this mess?" Lisa's interjection was almost certainly following whatever script she was pulling off of Alexandria, and I was convinced they had something going on that we couldn't tap into any more than they could tap into Taylia.

---===---

The last bit's a little awkward, mostly because I wanted to keep the script structure to build into the Minervandria revelation. Rewrote it a bit more actually since my previous go. Here's another go, something from 352:

---===---

"Could you create some clothes, ones that are shunt capable?" I asked Amelia. "I'm estimating ten sets." ConfusionConcern. "Umm... Anima's the only one whose suit survived the power interaction. For whatever bizarre reason, everyone else has been stripped naked."

"Yeah, just give me a minute.' {Pretty clear it's Amelia speaking here, no real need to clarify given that Taylor specifically asked her last line}

"We'll have clothes and medical attention for you in a couple minutes," I let the group know. "The interaction's over and the area's secure, cooperate with the shadowcats and we'll get you out of ground zero for a real checkup." Turning my attention to Lily and the medical teams I spoke again. "Everyone appears to be alive, don't worry. I'm bringing them to our deployment zone. The power interaction appears to have destroyed everyone's clothing. Possibly something Manton Effect related, don't know for certain." {Combined the two paras, no real reason to separate them given that Taylor was speaking in both. Join's a little clumsy - imagine I could do something more evocative with the right information about where everyone was in relation to each other, but I'm not trying to step into your narrative shoes here}

"Is..." Sabah hesitated. "Is Anima alright? What about GL? Uh, Genius Loci." I frowned, him I didn't see. His armor seemed to have been destroyed along with everything else. His power meant he was a living shaker effect, and this interaction was a blending of shaker powers. Did... was he caught in the mess and destroyed? There's nothing I could do to figure it out.

"Anima seems to be fine," I told her. "I don't know how to find Genius Loci."

---===---

I could do some more in some more detail if you want?

TanaNari · Apr 16, 2015

dasstan said:
The nice thing about the internet is that someone out there has probably already had the argument and presented it in much better way than you ever could. As far as speech verbs go... The self demonstrating article on TVtropes works pretty well.

And that is an example of being useful. Can't promise I'll use much of it, if any. But I can absorb some of this and incorporate it bit by bit.

hellgodsrus said:
Did...did you not notice the rerwritten bit of the opening of 351?

351? You only changed, like, four or five lines. And frankly I think your change was worse than what I had.

TanaNari said:
"I've found a possible solution to the problem," Alexandria stated. "I don't think anyone's going to like it, however."

hellgodsrus said:
"I've found a possible solution to the problem." Alexandria's voice was level, almost bland. "I don't think anyone's going to like it, however."

In that... "stated" may as well *be* said, and you turned one word into five, adding a descriptor where none was needed, and edged over into purple prose territory.

TanaNari said:
"Won't cost us anything to hear the idea," Taylor responded.

hellgodsrus said:
"Won't cost us anything to hear the idea." Taylor shifted slightly beside me.

This is a little better than the last one. But 'responded' is cleaner, plus Taylor wouldn't be shifting.

TanaNari said:
us," she continued

hellgodsrus said:
us," she said

One "said" word swapped for another. You're not wrong, I could have used "said" there, wouldn't bother me in the slightest. It also influences the quality exactly none.

TanaNari said:
Lisa added, following whatever script she was pulling off of Alexandria

hellgodsrus said:
Lisa's interjection was almost certainly following whatever script

Umm... while I have no inherent objection to the idea of using the word "interjection"... it's a fun word... but it seems to be the very thing you're complaining about me doing... adding a big, complicated word where a small, simple word would do the job just as well. Plus you added an additional three unnecessary words.

KISS principal.

This is a huge ass story, could you imagine what it'd be like if I added an average of two or three extra words per paragraph? I'd have another 30-40k words in this monster by now.

hellgodsrus said:
{Combined the two paras, no real reason to separate them given that Taylor was speaking in both. Join's a little clumsy - imagine I could do something more evocative with the right information about where everyone was in relation to each other, but I'm not trying to step into your narrative shoes here}

That separation was unfortunately clunky, yes... but the fact of the matter is she was coordinating between different suits and monsters that were often separated by a wide distance... and/or a dimension... there aren't many literary tools for "multiple conversations held by the same person simultaneously", and I still haven't found one I like.

dasstan · Apr 16, 2015

TanaNari said:
And that is an example of being useful. Can't promise I'll use much of it, if any. But I can absorb some of this and incorporate it bit by bit.

I outsource all of my good advice.

TanaNari · Apr 16, 2015

dasstan said:
I outsource all of my good advice.

When in doubt, defer to someone smarter than you? That's probably the best advice anyone can give ever.

NinjaDebugger · Apr 16, 2015

dasstan said:
I get that you're angry, but if you're going to make a non-crack omake, how about you have Amelia take an action that doesn't cripple their major administrative tool. Otherwise the omake is just... Pantheon shooting itself in the foot to teach Lisa a lesson.

They're going to lose her regardless. This is going to be the trigger for her to break off and form a new faction with Alexandria.

evildice · Apr 16, 2015

NinjaDebugger said:
They're going to lose her regardless. This is going to be the trigger for her to break off and form a new faction with Alexandria.

... because Alexandria can't get replaced, because Alexandria can't die.

[Skitter interrupt]

Lisa's tears would never stop.

TanaNari · Apr 16, 2015

evildice said:
Lisa's tears would never stop.

Lisa finds Crawler!Grue and Butcher!Taylor and they proceed to plot the destruction of all life in vengeance.

That would be dark as fuck, wouldn't it?

Someone would have to be a real dick to run with that plot, wouldn't they?

Amelia, Worm AU [Complete]

Versed in the lewd.

The Corruptor of Campaigns

Not too sore, are you?

A Gift From The Heart

(Unverified Writer)

Versed in the lewd.

Prolific Writer

Not too sore, are you?

A Gift From The Heart

Free Cat

:)

Versed in the lewd.

Verified Dick

Free Cat

Myth Maker of the North

Making the rounds.

Not too sore, are you?

Verified Dick

A Variety of Cheese

Not too sore, are you?

Verified Dick

(Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

:)

Not too sore, are you?

Verified Dick

:)

Verified Dick

Getting out there.

(emotionally stable clown posse)

Verified Dick

Users who are viewing this thread