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Blood and Chaos: The Story of a [BTVS] SI Turned Vampire OC

Interlude 9A - Adventures with Amy II
***Amy POV***



—Friday Night—

I stare at the text message. Are you kidding me?

From Jack: 'Can't make it. Have fun with Faith.'

Sure. Have fun with Faith. The girl I was on the phone with when I got the text, being told she can't make it but wants me to go anyway so I can 'have fun with Jack.'

It has got to be genetic. Or something, since they're both 'adopted.' Stupid crazy vampire logic.

I call Harmony. "Hello?"

"Hey. Are you free tonight? The Idiot Twins did it again." It should probably bother me that I don't even consider voluntarily hanging out with Harmony to be a sign of an apocalypse anymore.

"Who is this?" What do you mean who is this!? I'm having flashbacks to sophomore year after cheerleading try- Oh… I sigh. Her mom really does sound exactly like her on the phone.

"Sorry, Mrs. Kendall. It's Amy. Is Harmony there?" I really need to convince Jack to buy Harmony a cellphone- oh screw it. I doubt he'd even notice if I added an extra line to our cell plan, let alone care.

"Oh. One moment, dear." Muffled yelling comes from the line for a moment and then Harmony picks up.

"Hey, Amy. What's up?"

"The Idiot Twins cancelled on me again. You free tonight? Want to Bronze?"

"We always go to the Bronze. Let's do something else. Something where I won't have to watch Xander make a mockery of-"

"You saw them making out again didn't you?"

"It was disgusting! He had his tongue down her throat!" Yeah, I didn't need that visual either.

"Okay. Okay. What do you want to do?"

"We could watch that star hole show."

"...What?"

"You know… That show with the worm gates? And that cute guy."

"Wormhole X-Treme? Sure. That sounds great." Yes! Muahahah. I've converted another one to joys of sci-fi. And all it took was a simple crush on Dr. Jackson. Soon I'll have you watching Star Wars with me too and you can stop staring at Jack and I like we're crazy when we argue Rebels vs. Empire.

"Yes! That's the one. I'll be over in a little bit with ice-cream."

—Winters Residence - Amy's Room : Later That Night—

Turning off my TV. I stretch out and yawn. "I still can't believe you like Dr. Jackson better than Colonel O'Neill."

"Oh, please. Jackson is clearly cuter. O'Neill is like old. You just like him because his name is Jack."

"Hey! I'll have you know I thought Colonel O'Neill was hilarious before I met the crazy vampire version! Err… oh shut up you. Are we doing this or not?"

Harmony manages to stifle her giggles and holds up her hands in mock surrender. "Indeed."

"Good. Now... where did I put it?" I stand up and rummage through the small mountain of stuff on my dresser. Grabbing my makeup bag when I finally find it, I turn back to Harmony. "Okay so what color are we-" I sigh. "Really, Harmony?" I swear I only looked away for like 2 seconds to find the nail polish. "Why are you naked?"



Already topless, Harmony begins working the button on her jeans. "We're going to paint our nails aren't we?" Lord and Lady! You still do that?



Oh Goddess! "Do you strip naked every time you paint your nails?"

"Of course I do." She stares at me like that statement is perfectly reasonable.

…And apparently she can remove her pants, while standing, without breaking eye contact.

I sigh "Hang on." I'm sure I have a couple of Jack's tee shirts around here somewhere… aha! "Put this on. You have to wear something remember."

"Why?" Because I don't want to stare at your obnoxiously flat stomach and unfairly large boobs all night.



"Hey! Don't just drop the tee shirt back on the floor." Since when do you not just put on the things I hand you? I definitely remember getting you to put clothes back on being easier than this.

"But that's a boy's shirt. I'm a girl." Yes, I can see that.

...Fine! Let's try this again with one of my shirts. It's not like you ever actually spill the paint on things anyway.


---Sunnydale High - Classroom : Tuesday - Picture Day, Third Period---

I try to ask her again before class starts. "If Jack got a king cobra because he 'eats other snakes,' why do I have a Cerberus?"

"No. It's supposed to be a Basilisk. You know, dangerous to look in the eyes? King of Serpents. The king cobra is just the closest I could find.

"Why do I have a Cerberus?"

"Because you fell asleep on the job in that crypt?" Hey now!

"Excuse me. I was put to sleep by a cursed pocket watch. I did not just decide to take a nap."

"Uh huh… and Fluffy was put to sleep by music. See? Plus you wanted something to keep you safe like a guard dog when you met Jack. Cerberuses are like magic guard dogs." What does Jack have- Oh. Jack is my magic guard dog.

Harmony smiles, looking incredibly pleased with herself for her little convoluted bit of logic. "...Why does Faith have a hippogryph?"

"Buckbeak is a proud and beautiful creature, and will like totally fuck you up if you insult him. Does that sound like anyone we know? Plus, she was trying to run away to safety and start a new life. Then she met Jack like buckbeak met Sirius."

"Okay. Point." I suppose it even makes sense if you're Harmony. "Why the unicorn then?" If you're making this all about Jack, I can't imagine you think he… met you in the forest and… drank… oh. Oh my.

"I like unicorns." Harmony stares at me blankly but with a huge smile on her face. The 'duh!' apparently no less obvious for being left unsaid. I'm not sure what to make of that.


——Sunnydale High - Cafeteria : Thursday Lunchtime——

Spotting Jack walking out of the cafeteria I grab him by the arm and pull him down the hallway. "You talked to the band kids?"

"…Yes." Damn it, Jack. Buffy would have noticed that hesitant pause. What did you do?



Why do I even care? "Are they going to vote for her?"

"Most of them should."

I stare at Jack with an eyebrow raised. "Should? Come on Jack. This is important to Harmony."

"As much as it pains me to admit it, the subtleties of mind control are an art, not a science. Seriously, ow… That was physically painful."

I roll my eyes at my crazy vampire. "There there… If you want to be a drama queen about it can you at least make sure you art not a science your way through the drama club too?"

"You know, when I put this idea in Harmony's head I didn't expect it to be quite so much work. Not for me anyway."

I sigh. That bothered me a lot less when I hated her. "Jack… could you try to not mess with Harmony's head anymore? I kind of like her the way she is."

"Huh? Oh... No. I just asked her if she had considered it. There was no mental mojo involved."

"And when she… feeds you?"

"Her idea actually. I think. It happened a few times during programming, and then apparently she lost some weight and decided the two things were related. She's been the one insisting it be an every Monday affair."

Huh… She's doing that without being thralled into it?


——Saturday Late Morning——

I wake up in my usual seat at the kitchen table. Coffee cup in hand. Following the sound of voices, I walk into the living room.

"Jack, have you seen…" Jack's sitting on the couch with Harmony straddling his lap grinding against him, leaning in towards his face. Harmony is clearly suicidal.

Hearing me, Harmony leans back away from my vampire, I knew I should have fed her to the hyenas- wait, does she… have a brush in her hand? "Amy! Thank God you're here! Hold his head, he keeps squirming when I try to put the eye liner on him."

"Eyes are designed to dislike being poked!" Jack glares at her for a moment, before turning towards me. His face is painted white like the Joker. He looks so incredibly irritated. I don't even bother trying to suppress a giggle. "Hey! You laugh now, but you're next. Poison Ivy's skin is green remember… and red hair too."



They're just getting into costume. I dismiss the magic pooling in my hand. "You have to catch me first!"

I manage to almost turn halfway around before an arm wraps around my waist and lifts me off the ground. Who the- "Nuh uh, Ames. If I had to dye my hair, you do too."

Faith!? looks… really different with blond hair. "Wow." She even has red and black tipped pigtails to match the pattern on her outfit. It's a nice touch. I wonder who came up with that?

She looks fantastic as always. Of course she does.



Wait… since when does Poison Ivy have green skin?

Oh whatever. I want a brownie.


---Sunday : Driving Home---

My lovely little fantasy of making things explode is interrupted by a loud crack and Jack groaning. "Faith... please tell me you aren't actually stuck there?"

Oh, that is priceless. Miss I can kick your ass at Mario Cart can't fit her own ass through the... okay, so admittedly it's a super tiny window. I look back to Jack. "...Pull over." I pop open the glove compartment.

"Yeah. We should probably get her out of there."

I fish out the camera. "Oh. Right. That too. Of course. After I take some pictures. Harmony, smile for the camera."

Jack pulls over into the breakdown lane. I try to hand him the camera so I can get my own picture. He waves me off. "Hang on, get one more first."


---Sunnydale High -Cafeteria : Tuesday - Lunchtime ---

Faith sits down across from Harmony and I and looks back and forth between us for a moment. "Yo, Harms, who are you goin to homecomin with?"

"Jack. Duh." Wait what!? I thought I was going with Jack. Damn it. "I mean, I was thinking about making Larry take me, but he's gay." Larry's gay? "So that won't do at all."

"... you got a problem with gay people?" Faith stares at Harmony with narrowed eyes. Shit, I forgot about her little crush on Buffy. This could get ugly really fast.

"Of course not, I just think they should stick to their own kind." Uh... Harmony? Abort! "You know... like, date other gay people?" Oh... that makes more- wait, no! I'm mad at you.

"Hold up. I'm going to homecoming with Jack." Harmony turns and looks at me with a wide eyed deer in the headlights expression.

"Have eitha of you told Jack this?" Faith interrupts our impending argument with her stupid 'being reasonable.' No... I just assumed jack would go along with what I wanted. Damn it.

"...No." Harmony and I both answer in unison. Oh. Good. She hasn't asked him yet either.

"Why not?"

...

"It's Jack." All three of us agree simultaneously before laughing.

"Right. Well then. You two are both goin with Jack because otherwise he'll try and say you're goin togetha. He was trying to tell me he wasn't goin at all this mornin." Faith rolls her eyes and stabs at her lunch to convey her thoughts on that idea. "Between the three of us I'm sure we can keep an eye on him and make sure he shows up. Uh... Maybe I should tell B to keep an eye on him too in case he tries to wander off."

"Yeah. He's worse than I am with shiny things."

...Oh Harmony. No one is that bad. But still, "yeah, we may need help corralling him. I'm sure Buffy will jump at the chance to make him do something he doesn't want to."

"I still say you guys' rivalry with B is fuckin retahded, but I guess it helps us here."


---Homecoming---

I maneuver Jack across the dance floor towards where Harmony is talking to Larry and his date, a junior I think is named Michelle?

...I thought Harmony said he was gay? Huh. Sucks for Michelle.

I spot Willow and Xander moping on the sidelines as we shuffle past. Why are they upset? I know Oz is playing tonight, but... Oh. There's Cordelia. Apparently she and Buffy are still glaring at each other.

But then, where's Faith? Oh Goddess. She's talking to Scott? That can't end well. "Excuse me a moment." Leaving Jack at the refreshments I walk over to Buffy.

"If you're going to flirt with a girl, shouldn't it be the one you came here with?"

"I am not flirting with Cordelia!"

"Uh huh. And that's why Faith is all by herself over there, and you're over here staring at Cordelia's admittedly impressive rack."

"I am not!"

"Right... you're just short enough that her boobs are eye level. I get that, but still, it looks like you two are flirting."

"As if!" Thank you Cordelia. You're being so very helpful right now.

Both girls glare at me, then each other, before storming off to their dates.

Okay. Now, to go grab Jack again before... Urgh! Too late.

Lord and Lady. I left Jack to his own devices for barely a few minutes and he already looks like he's going to murder that guy.

"Jack, stop scaring the villagers and come dance with me."

"Yes, Amy." And Faith wonders why Harmony and I just expected he'd go along with our plans.


---Homecoming Queen Announcement---

Up on stage, Devon takes the mic. "In this envelope I hold the name of this year's Homecoming Queen."

Of the other side of Jack, Harmony starts excitedly vibrating in place. Looking around for Faith I spot her looking back at me from next to an equally fidgety Buffy. We roll our eyes at our friends' antics, but clap along.

"And the winner is... Harmony Kendall."

An excited squeal to my right, precedes Harmony bounding up onto the stage.

"Oh my God. Thank you all so very much. I have so many people I'd like to thank. My friends Amy, Gwen, Shanice, Aphrodesia," Jack starts spasm-ing in place trying not to laugh at the names, which makes me giggle too. "... Blue, and Anya, for helping me with my campaign." Jack is suddenly stock still staring at Harmony. What just happened? "And most of all, Jack Winters for convincing me to run in the first place." Jack waves up at Harmony, but his smile has turned to the fixed one he uses when he's faking it. Something's wrong.

While Devon is reading off the winner for Homecoming King, Jack is looking around the room as though searching for something.

He either finds it, or confirms it isn't there because he tunes back in as Larry is finishing up his own acceptance speech with an unexpected nod to Xander.

Jack blinks a few times when he notices Larry up on stage with Harmony.

"Gods Damn It. When did she become a person instead of a science project?"

"...What?"

"Oh, nothing important. I just wasn't expecting seeing Harmony up there with some other guy to bother me."

"Oh..." Joy! I finally get my confirmation that Jack truly has no interest in Harmony and it's because he's surprised he likes her now.

"I mean, I'd kind of decided she's like my niece to be you know? So it really should be my brother up there with her." Err- Wait. Niece to be!? That means... No. Not okay! You can't have- "Of course now that I'm thinking about it, I find the idea of feeding her to William bothers me just as much." So... He's notplanning to feed my friend to his brother? Good! "So, did you happen to notice when she went and became a person?"

...

"No. But I know exactly what you mean." When did Harmony of all people become my friend?
 
Interlude 9B – A Concerned Parent
***Joyce POV***

---After Jack invites Joyce along to LA ---

"Oh, and don't worry about costumes or theater wear. Harmony is already taking care of it. You just need to show up and have a good time." Jack glances at the clock. "Whoops. I should get back to school before class starts." Waving goodbye he walks back out of my office.

What a nice young man. It's too bad Buffy doesn't seem to have any interest in him. Or that nice Xander boy either. Of course he's with Cordelia now, and it sounds like Jack is with Amy. Ah well. Buffy probably wouldn't appreciate me 'meddling' anyway. Scott is just so... boring. I really can't see it working out.

I sigh. At least that Angel character is gone. Late twenties or mid two-hundreds, what kind of man his age tries to date a 16 year old?



Two hours alone in a car with Buffy and her watcher… I should probably make a list of questions I want answered once I finish these insurance forms.

---Joyce Arrives at Jack's with Scoobies---

Jack answers the door in a purple suit, bright green hair, and his face painted white. It looks like he really went all out on his costume. A very good Jack Nicholson joker, but I don't know why his hair is so long. "Hello everyone. Thank you all for joining us tonight. Faith and Amy have your costumes so please see them first. Except for you, Joyce, Harmony has yours in the kitchen."

The young lady in a green pantsuit with question marks on it waves me over. This must be Harmony. She seems much happier than I'd have expected from the things I've overheard my daughter's friends say.

Following her into the kitchen she hands me a dress.

"Oh my."

"Do you like it? It's supposed to look like Cinderella's dress without being all poofy and costume-y." She grins at me.

"I can see that. I suppose that makes the white suit jacket part of a prince charming outfit?" I suddenly get the impression I'm being set up on a date.

"Yes! I'm so glad you like it. Jack's always happy enough to let me handle the wardrobe stuff, but he never really seems to understand…"

She trails off as the kitchen door opens again and the man responsible for my daughter running away enters looking wonderfully uncomfortable.

"I was told by a rather peculiarly dressed Faith that I was to report to the kitchen, 'Or Else."

Harmony smiles and hands me the dress before stage whispering, "He's even worse than Jack. I mean, Tweed? Really?" She grabs the suit jacket and heads towards Mr. Giles clucking disapprovingly.

As I'm enjoying the sight of that man get clucked over by the very enthusiastic young lady we hear screams from the living room.

Rushing in I see Buffy straddling Jack's chest. "No means no, Buffy! Gods!" He sounds absolutely terrified. The poor dear.

I glare at my daughter. "Buffy! What are you doing!?"

Before my daughter can explain her atrocious behavior. Jack holds up a prop gun with a red flag saying 'Bang.' "Not her fault, Joyce. I forgot to warn her it wasn't real and she was just defending her friends against my obvious assassination plot." Well, he's clearly alright if he can roll his eyes at me and engage in teenager solidarity.

"Yeah… I thought he was going to shoot Xander." Just what has Mr. Giles been filling your head with?

"Your daughter has wonderful reflexes, I really didn't expect to be tackled before the flag unfurled."

Of course that doesn't explain why my daughter is still sitting on your chest. She must have read my look, or had the same thought, as she scrambles up off of him.

---Sunday - 4 AM---

My daughter tries to sneak into the hotel room without waking me.

She's disturbingly good at that, if I wasn't still awake from my trip to the bathroom I'd never have known she'd come in.

"Did you have a good night honey?" I ask as she sits down on her bed.

"You're still awake?" She yawns. "And yeah. I think I did."

"You think?"

"It was… different. Kind of strange to see demons acting like people." She pauses, fussing with her covers. "And I got into a silly fight with Cordelia. Again."

"You two aren't fighting over boys again are you?" Please be fighting over Xander... Please be fighting over Xander....



I level my best motherly look at my daughter's delayed answer. "We're both trying for homecoming queen. Things... may have been said. I don't really want to talk about it. How was your night?" Oh well...

"My night went very well. Dinner was delicious. The show was lovely. It was rather awkward at first, but Mr. Giles was much more understanding and accommodating than I expected. By the time we finished our entrees we found we even agreed about most of the important things. In fact, Mr. Giles will be coming by for dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays from now on before doing your training exercises with you."

I think it will be nice to be more involved in my daughter's life. I'll finally get to see just what it is she puts so much time and energy into. Hopefully without the horde of zombies this time. My daughter of course looks horrified at the idea.

"Oh don't look so upset, it's no more a date than tonight was. Not that there would be anything wrong with it if it were." Jack's best efforts aside. Mr. Giles is just too... Stuffily British?

Buffy doesn't seem to find my reassurances terribly reassuring. Ever since Ted... no, if I'm honest she's been like this since the divorce.

"Mr. Giles was even hoping you might be able to convince Faith to join us? He mentioned Mondays and Wednesdays were the nights Jack works at the hospital and I thought she might appreciate not needing to eat alone."

"She isn't- What about Amy?"

"What do you mean?" Wouldn't Amy eat with her father? He can't be any worse a cook than Hank was.

"She lives with Jack too. Faith eats with her. Harmony too I think." Well no wonder those girls rolled their eyes at me when I asked where Jack planned on sleeping.

"Both of those girls live with him?" And just what were their parents thinking? Jack's a nice boy, but they're all just teenagers. I'll have to call them when we get home.

"No. Just Amy. Harmony still lives at home... I think. You'd have to ask them. Or Cordelia might know."

---Driving Home ---

Ahead of me, the right hand blinker on Jack's truck goes on and he starts pulling into the breakdown lane.

Following suit, I watch the Hazard Lights go on. "I hope everything's alright."

"Yes. Quite." Mr. Giles agrees. No one seems to be getting out of the truck, I hope it's just a spilled coffee.

Getting out of the car, I can hear my daughter's friends pull in behind my car while we go to investigate.

The driver's door opens just before we get to it and Jack slides out. "Buffy! Perfect timing. I need your help. Faith got over excited and... well... now she's playing pooh-bear." Poohbear? What does he- oh.

Faith is stuck halfway through the little window in the back of the truck. They really should make it so you can't climb through those at all. Especially not on a highway.

Jack starts heading around towards the back of the truck. "I'll climb around and help her push while you pull on her legs?" He pops open the gate and climbs in.

As soon as Jack and my daughter get her back out of the window I ask, "What were you thinking? You could have been injured." Faith of course isn't paying any more attention to me than Buffy does. She's clearly distracted by the strange looking device strapped to her arm.

Buffy stares at Faith's happy expression. "Why did you try and climb back there anyway?"

"Because! Lookit what Jack got me from his arms dealer buddy!" She holds up her arm with the contraption strapped to it.

"What is that?" I ask in unison with my daughter, and Mr. Giles.

...

"Arms dealer buddy!?" I ask. Alone this time.

...

Why am I the only one that seems surprised by that statement? Mr. Giles just polishes his glasses beside me while my daughter is... Glaring at Jack as he walks back around to join us.

He holds his hands up innocently "I swear, I didn't buy any more grenades. Or guns. Or ammo of any sort."

I really want to know just what is going on here, but my daughter's attempt at continuing the conversation is immediately derailed by Faith forcing her way out of the truck, and practically carrying her off onto the shoulder of the highway.

"B! You gotta see this. Watch." Faith holds up her hands like she's surrendering. "Sorry mistah monstah, I'm unarmed. Oh wait!" She flicks her wrist and a sword... unfolds... into her hand. That should not be possible. "No I'm not!"

"That's how you did that!" Xander exclaims, walking up with the others. My daughter of course just stares at the sword and then looks at Giles. She looks like she used to when we saw a new toy she wanted for Christmas as a little girl. Where did I go wrong that she looks at swords that way now. Even an admittedly very impressive-looking sword that can fold up onto your arm... I glare at Mr. Giles, this is your fault.

"I suppose you simply must have one as well now?" Buffy nods enthusiastically as Giles begins polishing his glasses again. That man really abuses that delaying tactic.

Turning to Jack, Giles puts his glasses back on. "How much did that cost you?"

"Ten Grand." Jack shrugs nonchalantly from next to Faith who he seems to be teaching how to refold the sword. Again, that should not be possible.

"WHAT!?" I don't even know how many people shouted that all at once. Granted, I'm probably the only one that knows Jack's finances well enough to say for certain that he really couldn't care less. Given how much I've earned off of just the commissions on the pieces he's been selling off lately.

"I know right? I got a great deal. I think Emil really likes me."

"Emil? Oh good lord. That man supplies black market arms to the demonic underworld."

"Hi, everyone. My name is Jack Winters and I'm part demon. Nice to meet you all."

"Hi, Jack." Chorus Amy, Faith, and Harmony.

"Yes. Very droll. My point being, that I rather suspect a member of the Watcher's Council is unlikely to get a meeting with the man." Well then maybe your precious council should stop having little girls fight your battles for you.

...My little girl. Who grew up into a soldier while I wasn't looking closely enough.

"Why would you need a meeting with him? I'm sure we can come up with a trade for one of the spares I bought."

"You bought more than one?" My daughter sounds far too excited by this.

"Of course I did. I got three, since somebody manages to break everything she touches." He mock glares down at his sister.

"I do not!" She glares back up at him almost nose to nose. It's almost adorable in a rather bizarre way given the context.

"Baseball bat. Solid tungsten core wrapped in titanium. You cracked it in fucking half. Err... sorry, Joyce." He's worried about swearing in front of me? Such a nice young man. A very strange one though.

---Wednesday Night Dinner---

"...And Harms and Ames have been driving Jack and I up the walls with Homecoming Queen stuff for weeks, but somehow neither of them managed to tell either each other, or even Jack, that he was supposed to take them to the dance."

"You're helping Harmony run for Homecoming Queen?" my daughter says with narrowed eyes.

"Nah, not really. She understood that I'd have to vote for my own date." Faith sticks her tongue out at her.

Your date is running for Homecoming Queen? "Who're you going with?"

Faith looks back and forth at me and then my daughter. "...with Buffy?" She sounds as confused as I am.

"I thought you were going with that Scott boy." Does it make me a horrible mother that I accidentally emphasized that last word like it matters to me? ... Does it?

"Oh... We broke up." Why am I always the last to hear about things in my own daughter's life. Well, at least Giles seems no more aware than I am this time. "Faith and I are just going as good friends." I relax as she turns back to Faith. "But that doesn't mean you don't have to vote for me."

I smile. "I was never terribly fond of Scott anyway."

Faith grins at me. "Join the club. He was like... white bread, with extra borin. No low down tickle whatsoevah."

"Can we please not discuss my ex-boyfriends with my mother?"

"Yeah, yeah." Faith looks down at the plate she has now emptied a third time. If only I could get Buffy to eat like that. "It's prolly time to motorvate anyway if we still want to do some sparrin before patrol."
 
Ah, right. I haven't been reading this dump, because I've just finished another read through in September. I saw the bit about a vampire saying the slayer is blonde, and thought it was from when she was a sheriff's deputy.

Ah, yeah. That's still a fair bit of editing my way through the older chapters away yet. It kind of annoys me that this is like... pass number 4 and I'm still finding places where past-me fumbled a direct address comma and etc.

The amusing thing is, Giles almost never actually wore tweed. But gods damn, I wish I was there as a fly on the wall for this date.

Yeah... I imagine the awkward would be nigh tangible for a while.

Faith's accent is becoming stronger and stronger by the chapter and I love that almost as hard as I love her big fat butt:V

Not only is it getting stronger chapter by chapter as I got a better feel for how to type in it, it gets a bit stronger with each editing pass as I occasionally screech to a halt while skimming through things to be like "Did Faith just use the letter R? In my fic? BLASPHEMY!"
Of course, sometimes I need to type out the word properly or there's just no way to tell what she's saying like... Is Dawnsteh supposed to be Dawnster or Dawn-star? Even Jack will likely never know.

Your missing a threadmark for this one.

Thank you!
 
Part 31 - Leaving on a Jet Plane:
---Winters Residence - Atrium : Saturday Morning After Homecoming---

"Heel." Cat walks over to me.

"Sit." Cat stares at me without sitting.

"Roll Over?" Cat rolls over on command.

Okay. What the hell? Yesterday it sat, but wouldn't roll over.

"Gods damn it, Cat." I swear this thing's mind is even more slippery than Harmony's ever was. Programming disappears at random, only to return in full working order days later. No rhyme or reason that I can fathom for it.

As I finish up reinstalling SitTheFuckDown.exe into Cat, the doorbell rings. Huh. Who could that be? Leaving Cat to flop down and reboot, I check the peephole and then open the door.

"Allan! What a lovely surprise. What brings you to my doorstep so early on a Saturday?" The girls haven't even crawled out of bed yet. "It's…" I pull my watch out of my pocket. "3 AM?" I look at the sun up in the sky. "That can't be right." I hope it just needs new batteries. It'd be a shame if I broke my favorite souvenir.

"It's just past 9, sir." Allan informs me helpfully, looking at his own watch.

… the hell is he calling me sir for? Wilkins calling me Mr. Winters is bad enough.

"Thank you, Allan. What brings you to my doorstep this morning?"

"Yes. Sorry to bother you, sir. But, uh, with your flight leaving tomorrow it, uh, seemed urgent." Honestly, he looks as nervous as… D'awww, I remind him of his boss? Some of my warm and fuzzies that fled the first time I met him come crawling back to me seeking forgiveness for their disloyalty.

Who am I to pass up on such a marvelous opportunity. "I'm not bothered, Allan." I shamelessly steal Wilkins' now presumably unused line. "But, please, call me Jack. I'm brewing coffee, would you like some?" I fold my arms behind my back and step to the side with a smile. I feel a bit ridiculous, but when in Rome.

Allan certainly seems to find some small comfort in observing local custom. He smiles slightly and steps into the house. Disappointingly, I feel my tattoos ping as he crosses the threshold. It seems that Amy's efforts at binding an intruder alarm to the threshold are going to be less helpful than I'd like for me personally. Still, if the wards work correctly for the girls, the alert should save me the trouble of summoning them to breakfast. "The kitchen is this way." Allan pauses his walk towards the kitchen as a loud thud echoes from Faith's side of the upstairs. Ah good, the mental alarm did wake them up.



Actually. I think I may insist that Allan join us for breakfast. Making sure Faith knows who he is strikes me as the easiest way to bludgeon a final nail in that particular incident's coffin. Speaking of Faith… I raise my voice so that she can hear me. "Try not to let the herd of elephants upstairs spook you. That's just my sister fighting her way free of her cocoon." Ignoring the muffled string of indignant curses coming from upstairs in favor of following Allan into the kitchen, I go to ask my initial question anew.

Allan however is staring at me looking quite alarmed. A whiff of fear seeps into the room. I suppose Faith was a touch vivid in her imagery near the end there.

I snort. "If you think that's bad you should hear her snore." Rolling my eyes and pouring the poor man a cup of coffee, I try to steer us back on topic. "But you never did say what brought you here?"

With one last glance towards the staircase, he squares his shoulders. "The, ah, the Mayor, asked me to handle the… preparations for an upcoming, uh, anniversary."

Why Allan, if I didn't already know what event was fast approaching, that wouldn't have told me anything. "I see… And how can I assist my favorite Mayor in keeping his… campaign promises shall we say?"

Allan's eyes widen. I smile. Wilkins did use the same euphemism he pitched to the now absent and unlamented Mr. Trick. Fantastic. Faith's footsteps come tromping down the stairs loudly. I grab the fruit loops down from the top of the fridge.

"I was, uh, hoping that… you might have an, uh, suggestion-" He cuts off as the door swings open.

Faith stomps through the door looking more than a fair bit disgruntled. "I do not snore."

"Of course you don't, dear. Here's your fruit loops." Allan seems to be eyeing both of us with unease. His fear is starting to fill the room. Interestingly it seems to be Faith as much as me that alarms him. Odd. Then again if he were showing interest I'd probably abandon my game in favor of dragging him down into the lab. "Allan, this is my sister, Faith. Faith, this is Deputy Mayor Allan Finch. He's just here looking for some advice on one of the Mayor's projects."

"Yo." Faith starts to wave before being overtaken by a yawn. I viciously quash the impulse to follow suit, no less annoyed by it now than I was when I first discovered I was still susceptible to that particular contagion.

Allan, sadly, still seems to be a nervous wreck. Perhaps the map room is a better fit for this discussion anyway. Pouring out another cup of coffee to Amy's preferences I place it on the table before beckoning Allan to follow me.

"You're in luck. I think I might know just how to solve your problem."

Safely away from my apparently terrifying Sister Allan begins to calm down while I sort through the personnel files in my desk. "You do? Thank you, Sir."

Aha! here it is. I start copying down the relevant information. "This is the man you're going to want to track down. I'm afraid my information on him is a bit spotty but he's done the sort of work you need in this town before. It may be a bit short notice, but he really does some absolutely fantastic work."

In fact, I'm rather fond of the work he did canonically. "Hmmm... He can be a bit of a wild card himself, so it might be best if you have a member of the... night staff... help make sure he sticks to a plan. I have some suggestions there too, but certainly you're going to want to make sure you're ready to adapt as needed." Below Mr. Rayne's last known address and contact info I outline the basic gist of the 'Band Candy' plot and hand it over to Allan.

"You may also want to consider asking Principal Snyder to organize some manner of mandatory activity for… 'Miss Summers and her merry band of delinquents,' I believe he calls them. He gets strangely cooperative if you use those magic words."

Hmmm... now I feel kind of silly for packing up my entire family for the trip to Budapest. Events running as planned isn't terribly dangerous at all.

...

Buffy. Driving. Nope. The girls are still coming with me.

I suspect they'd be rather upset if I told them they weren't going after they got all packed up anyway. They do seem rather bizarrely excited about the trip.

---Winters Residence - Lab – Saturday Night---

Amy pokes her head into the vault, then pulls it right back out. "What are you doing!?" She sounds distressed.

"Rigging the shotgun to shoot the next person to open the vault door. I find myself rather opposed to the notion of anyone finding my supplies while I'm away. You're sure you'd know if we have a break in?"

"Yes. Well, no. But the wards should ping me every few hours. So, if they don't I'll know something is wrong. And what if you forget you did that?" Her arm gestures towards the shotgun from around the corner.

"Then I'll spend a few minutes laying on the floor thinking up inventive ways to describe my own stupidity. I imagine I'd deserve it too."

"And if Faith forgets you did that?"

...

"Err... well... shit. I'll change the combination on the vault door too. Thank you, Amy."

Amy wanders back up out of the lab muttering about crazy immortal vampires.

---Winters Residence - Atrium : Sunday Morning---

I stare at the mountain of luggage Faith has begun transferring from the living room to the truck.

"Two girls can't possibly need this much crap. We're only going to be there for three days."

"Three." Amy corrects- wait.

"Yes. That's what I said. Three days."

Amy rolls her eyes at me. "Three girls. A lot of this is Harmony's stuff. She's at The Espresso Pump with her mom. She's going to meet us at the airport."

"Ah. Okay then." I suspect telling Amy that there are easier ways to get a frappuccino delivered would cause a flight delay.

Shaking my head, I grab a nearby piece of the mountain and head out to the truck.

---Sunnydale Airport : Late Sunday Morning---

Ah. The joys of chartered private flights. No lines. No waiting. No security agents asking awkward questions like why do you have a pistol strapped to your back. My tattoos aren't buzzing. This is lovely. I can even see the pilot and watch for anything squirrely.

Said pilot turns to face us. "Alright Folks. Everyone buckled up? It'll be about 6 hours to Boston to refuel before our hop over the Atlantic. Total flight time should be about 17 hours." The pilot turns and begins talking to the control tower over the radio as the plane sets into motion down the runway.

Glancing around, Amy already has her Gameboy Color out. Why she had to order one from Japan rather than waiting one extra month for the US release is a bit beyond me. She's still playing that same Pokémon Red game, and it isn't in color.

Harmony has a stack of magazines.

Faith... looks freaked..? I pause my game of Diablo. My quest to take over Hell from it's clearly incompetent overlord can wait. "Something wrong sis?"

"Did he just say 17 hours?"

"Yeah. But I think we have stops in Boston and... London? maybe? to refuel though if you need get out and run around the plane to stretch your legs."

"I forgot my walkman. What am I supposed to do for 17 hours?"

"I suspect the pilot might object, or I'd say we could join the mile high club. Although..." I glance over and smile at Amy as she sighs without looking up from her game.

I catch Harmony frowning at me for a moment before she looks at Amy, and then goes back to her reading. Odd... does she-

"Dude! I'm your sister." The rest of my warm and fuzzies return, with friends, hearing her say that so vehemently. Shame that it's hardly germane to the situation at hand.

The pilot's voice comes back from the cockpit. "I was going to say I had zero fucks to give what you four got up to. Gotta admit though that that's a new level of weird even for me." He pulls a partition I didn't know was there out of the wall and clicks it closed. Everyone's a fucking critic.

"Oh, so what? I was about to say that you'd have to manage the herculean feat of dragging Amy away from her game boy." That finally pulls Amy's full attention to me. Threatening her precious game boy works every time. "But even ignoring that, we're still both adopted. It's not like we'd have to worry about making kids without chins. I mean, hell, I can't even have kids... err... huh." Can I? That Blood of Eternity has proved pretty damn useful so far.

Amy glances at Harmony for a second and then adds an alarmed expression to Faith's now confused one. "Jack... Why are you wearing your I had an idea face?"

"I may have just thought of a way to be able to have kids. Not sure how I'd test it yet."

Amy glares at me. "Jack. No. We talked about this. You said you wouldn't."

Harmony looks at Amy, before shrugging and happily informing all of us, "We're all on the pill anyway."

Faith and Amy's glares swing from me to Harmony.

Faith's shout of "What the shit, Harms. I'm his sister."

Competing with Amy's, "Why would you say that?" Well, technically, I made her want to tell me things... but I feel like adding in that little tidbit helps no one. Certainly doesn't help me right now.

Harmony looks utterly bewildered, but turns to Amy. "Why wouldn't I tell him? It's not like being on the pill is weird or anything."

Amy massages her temples. "But it has nothing to do with anything we were talking about. I was telling Jack he can't turn you into a vampire."

I stare at Amy. Horrified. "Why would you think that!? I am not turning Harmony into a vampire. We've talked about how much that idea bothers me. It wouldn't be her anymore and if I wanted Harmony back I'd have to trap my new daughter in a prison cell with Harmony as the warden." Real catch 22 isn't it? Huh... maybe that explains why there are so many moronic fledges running around.

"Then what were... Oh, Goddess! I am not getting pregnant in Highschool!" Who said anything about- Wait... that is an oddly specific objection.

"Of course not, honey. That's why we're on the pill." Harmony sounds so fucking confused. At the moment, I can empathize.

Amy looks over at Harmony, and takes in a deep breath. The she sighs. "Nope. I don't care anymore. I'm going back to my game."

Harmony looks around, still wearing a bewildered expression, before shrugging and grabbing another magazine.

I turn to my sister. "What... just happened?"

Faith gives me a funny look I'm not sure how to interpret and then sighs. "I have no clue. Any other ideas?"

"You could borrow one of Harmony's-" I abort my suggestion immediately. Faith's face expresses quite clearly that she find the idea of reading Cosmo even more appalling than my last suggestion. I choose to count that as a victory, however minor.

I sigh. "Do you want to borrow the laptop and fight your way down into Hell to murder the devil?" In barely more than the blink of an eye I suddenly find myself bereft of laptop. A moment later my headphones are removed from my head as well.

Looks like I'll get to catch up on my reading. I take out my manual on diagnostic magic and the box containing the orbs of Nezzla'Khan and set to work trying to figure out how to unlock it.

I can't help but grin at the sound of rapid clicking followed by giggles. Glancing back I see Faith thoroughly engrossed in the virtual rendition of the family business while Harmony looks on over her magazine with a puzzled expression.
 
Part 32 – Budapests and Side Quests
---Ferihegy Airport Tarmac, Budapest : Monday---

10 AM departure time. 17 Hour flight. 9 hour time zone swing. It's noon when we land. I somehow doubt Amy or Harmony would appreciate being woken up to hear that though since it ought to be 3 AM.

I turn to Faith, "I'll take Amy? You take Harmony?" Faith yawns but nods, putting Amy's Gameboy down. While the pilot taxis around on the tarmac and puts down the boarding ramp, we collect our stuff and clean up the remnants of Harmony's September Vogue that was sacrificed to the war gods during the great paper airplane war that broke out when Faith killed Diablo prior to touch down at Heathrow. I don't care what Amy says, I was totally justified in launching the first volley after listening to 10 minutes of debate about Faith getting to play Pokémon once she went to sleep.

Once everything is as settled as it's ever going to get, I unbuckle Amy's seat belt and lift her up. Her eyes blink open for a moment before she wraps her arms around my neck, yawns, and goes back to la-la land. I find myself somewhat disappointed that I don't get any amusing commentary like I did the last time I dealt with a sleeping Amy.

I'm appeased a moment later however when Harmony mumbles angrily about Willow, her hands balling up into fists as Faith picks her up. I have to suppress a laugh at Faith's confused expression as she struggles to contain Harmony's squirming.

Walking down the ramp, I imagine we make quite the sight. The pair of us each carrying a girl bridal style while trying to drag our pile of luggage along behind us. The shuttle driver certainly seems to think so, staring at us for a moment before saying something in... I assume Hungarian?

"I don't suppose you speak English?"

"Mit mondtál?" He... says? Asks? Oh gods I don't care. I should have had the translator meet us at the airport rather than the hotel.

Meeting his gaze I try again in with thrall. 'Take us to the Corinthia Hotel'

The man stares at me with the usual dazed expression but makes no move to follow my directions. I sigh. Apparently not speaking my language provides some defense against more complicated orders.

Confirming there's no one watching, I put him to sleep and start switching seats with him.

"...the fuck?"

I look back at "Something wrong, Faith?"

"What did you just do?"

"Put him to sleep..." She glares at me. "Oh come on! He'll be fine... What? I'll wake him up when we get to the hotel." Faith's glare tapers off but she still looks upset. "Unless your Hungarian is good enough to ask him to take us there?"

"Fine," she huffs out. She yawns, but then glares at me again. This time complete with accusatory finger pointing. "Waitaminute! You are the reason I keep finding Rum unconscious in the living room!"

Huh? "How can alcohol-"

"No. My cat!" Oh for fucks sake.

"Of course- I thought Amy said the cat was called Red."

My sister just looks at me like I'm an idiot. Okay, admittedly, Red is a pretty silly name for a cat. But Rum is hardly any better.

"Okay, fine, yes. Of course I used my magic on Rum. Didn't you wonder how a what? 10? 12? Week old kitten was already housebroken so quickly?" I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes to the first time that particular bit of programming decided that it was going to just up and vanish on me. Despite my remembered annoyance, I once again find myself smothering laughter as I think about the expression that must have been on Liam's face whenever he saw Buffy that week.


---Corinthia Hotel, Budapest : Monday---

Tucking Amy into bed at the hotel room. "Okay. So, you three are mostly going to be on your own until I finish up my courier business for Mayor Wilkins. You sure you're going to be alright in a foreign city without me for a bit?"

Faith yawns and nods at me as she settles Harmony down on the other side of the bed. "Yeah. Ames has been making us memorize some of the things from the phrasebook. Even if we got separated we should all be able to make it back here on our own." Separated... that reminds me. I'm not sure that I'm entirely- No. I'm actually quite certain that I'm not comfortable trusting my family's safety to the accuracy of GPS satellites in a country that was part of the Soviet Bloc less than a decade ago at this point in history.

I smile down at Amy, brushing some hair out of her face. Grabbing two of said hairs and giving them a sharp tug, I wind one around my finger and then tuck it into my wallet alongside the full set I keep there on general principal. I think even the weeks old ones ought to make for a strong enough sympathetic connection for me to run a locator spell from nearby in the city, but why risk it. Unlike Amy I can't just track people from halfway across the fucking state of California. Not that we've ever particularly needed to track Eric's movements with all that much precision to properly test that.

Faith is already holding out a pair of hairs, one blonde and one black by the time I finish. As usual, she rolls her eyes at me as we trade my extra from Amy for hers, but she seems to appreciate the lengths Amy and I go to make sure everyone is safe. Between the emergency beacons and my admittedly frustratingly limited skill with basic magic, I feel much better about heading out to conduct my business. Shit, even Harmony has better luck with locator spells than I do... though she seems to only be able to manage basic divinations.

Yeah, I think today is an 'I Hate Magic' day.

"Okay then. Lock up behind me, and remember-"

"Check in every few hours, no wishing, no picking up strays... Yeah, yeah, I know. Ames gave me the speech already."

Giving my sister a mock glare, full of badly feigned indignation, I huff. "Actually, I was going to ask you to look after Amy for me. She'll handle all that responsible adult nonsense, you just make sure nothing tries to eat any of you, yeah?"

Tucking the box the mayor packed the orb in under my arm I wait for the sounds of the dead bolt clicking home before setting off down into the lobby to meet the translator I hired for the exchange.

Now let's see... He is supposed to be the guy in a grey suit with a blue tie... aha!

I head over to my lead suspect. "Mr. Borath?"

He turns to me and smiles, holding out his hand. "Mr. Raithe?"

One firm handshake later he meets my eyes, and I set to work manufacturing a new friend. Pity I'll have to eat him when this is all over.

---Outside a Museum : Monday---

"It's the second oldest metro line in the entire- Err. Sorry about that, I also do work as a tour guide. Seems old habits die hard."

"Hardly anything you need to apologize for. I was rather enjoying the story." I find history even more fascinating than even father did.

I suspect it's part of the whole being immortal thing. Or perhaps simply the fact that I no longer have any need to limit myself to after the invention of indoor plumbing when contemplating time periods I could enjoy having lived in. Not that I'd be foolish enough to wish any such thing.

And besides all that, I strongly suspect your relatively newfound tendency to ramble on about historical monuments while we walk is my own fault. A side effect of my getting distracted by the parliament building while I was preparing you to remain calm while translating for some potentially demonic businessmen.

"In any case, we're here." According to the address I was given by Wilkins, 'here' is the side entrance to an art museum of some sort. Even given the whole hiding in plain sight motif, it seems strange to me that a supernatural market hub could have a fixed location. Maybe I've just gotten used to Barney's auctions changing times and venues constantly in a show of paranoia that nears my own. I suppose the idea of an active black market having semi official sanction in these parts shouldn't really surprise me either.

We make our way to the appropriate desk. Mr. Borath standing behind me and pretending the part of a guard or enforcer, but really just listening to the chatter going on around us for any warning signs. I hand over the magically sealed letter of introduction, and wait for all hell to break loose.

...

After having geared up for a fight and spending so much time mulling over exit strategies in case the exchange went south, I find myself almost affronted when the clerk just reads the letter and then signs for the delivery, handing me back a small stack of paperwork of my very own to go through. I'm even wearing a bullet proof vest under my coat. I'd have gone for the whole armored ensemble I now have Xander unwittingly field testing for me, but anything I could hide it under would be nearly as conspicuous as the armor. Apparently I'm all dressed up with nothing to fight.

Not that I have any intention of filling out any potentially magically binding contracts myself either. Even if I weren't already strongly opposed to the notion, Wolfram and Hart's perpetuity clause would be more than enough to put me off the idea. I may not have a soul to bind, but I can't see the lawyers letting that stop them from trying.

Mr. Borath fortunately has no such compunctions. Though I suppose that if he had, I'd have simply removed them. We claim a table and fill out forms while the museum tests the delivery for tampering and 'Authenticity.'

...

I stop Mr. Borath's running translation. "Repeat that last bit?"

"... certify all three items delivered-" Three items? The pistol strapped to my back suddenly strikes me as great idea again.

"What three items?"

"One orb of ...uh... I'm not even sure what language that is."

"Mayincatec apparently." I shrug. "One of them anyway." Or rather the language of a lizard demon that lived down there with them. I have yet to be able to mimic the sounds Wilkins makes when referencing it.

"Okay then. That... One vial of blood from the slayer-" He pauses when I grip his shoulder as I stare at the place on the document where his finger indicates. I'm already halfway through my checklist for murdering everyone in the room before I spot the next words as he reads them "...Buffy Summers." Ah. Well... that's fine then. "And one Spanish Doubloon circa 1598."

...Murder, Arson, and Jaywalking that is. Still... my curiosity is peaked. I mean, I'm only getting the Box of Gavrok out of this. Wilkins got that anyway without my assistance, and Buffy survived the exchange... I groan as I realize that I probably ought to make sure that vial of blood isn't being bought by Wolfram and Hart or their like.

Sending my minion back up to the desk with the paperwork, I look around the room. No one sets off any warning bells in my memories. Not that they should. I won't get the box until the day after tomorrow. I doubt the person selling it is even getting the orb or blood, let alone doing so immediately. Stupid multilayer deals designed for anonymity.

Sigh, looks like I have to do this the hard way. Fishing out the collection of tiny Ziploc bags from my wallet as we leave the museum, I verify that my strand of Buffy's hair still makes a link to her blood.

I take out my Nokia and power it on. I type out a message to Amy that 4 hours into the trip, I've already suffered side quest damage and won't be back just yet. Placing it down on a bench so it can get a signal, I verify the blood's tug still comes from the museum before pressing send with my stylus and turning the phone back off.

...

This is going to be a long night. Good thing I packed a snack.
 
Part 33 - Don't Know When I'll be Back Again
---Outside the museum : Later That Night---

It takes Mr. Borath 2 hours to move on from the city's rich history to the recent upswing in crime and corruption. He's just building steam in a lecture about a reform of some sort from a few years ago when my magic tells me the blood is on the move.

Watching my pendant swing from slightly left to slightly right as a friendly enough looking fellow walks out of the building as though he hasn't a care in the world is all I need.

Trailing him from as much a distance as I can manage given how weak a link I'm using, I follow him for a few blocks before I watch him disappear down into what I don't even need to ask Mr. Barath to know is a subway station. Oh lovely.


---A few train changes later---

While Mr. Borath talks to the conductor, I sit on the train waiting for the tugs to be from a direction other than directly ahead of me.

I look down at my phone on the seat next to me. From Amy: 'Where are you?'

To Amy: 'Czechoslovakia. I think.'

It may or may not be the Czech Republic already. I'm certainly not willing to be wrong in the future direction.

From Amy: 'You think?'

To Amy: 'I can't exactly read the signs.'

From Amy: '... We're going shopping without you.'

To Amy: 'Okay.
frown.gif
'

I resist the urge to thank the guy I'm following for providing me with an excuse to avoid that ugly fate.

From ###: 'You did that on purpose!'

...

Since Buffy having my number is completely absurd, I'm going to guess Harmony got my number from Amy. Behold, the joy that is living prior to read receipts. I pretend I never saw the text.

I go to turn off my cell again only to have another message load out of the aether.

From Mr. Wells: 'How many boxes of Band Candy did you want again?'

To Mr. Wells: 'Not boxes. Cases. As in boxes of boxes. FIVE Please.'

Pity I can't predict if it'll be the same. I either end up with fifty pounds of magical chocolate that makes grownups act like teens... or fifty pounds of really expensive Hershey's Bars.

Then again, I live with pair of girls who can twist my head off or set me on fire if they have a rough time of the month. Both of whom love chocolate.

To Mr. Wells: 'Make that TEN CASES.'

Win/Win really. Oh hey! My pendant starts tugging towards the platform. Time to go play Where's Waldo again.


---Somewhere in the Czech Republic---

The slight apprehension I've been feeling since the blood courier headed up the hill towards the monastery comes crashing down around me when I catch sight of one of the monks.

I stifle both resultant urges. Neither cackling nor banging my head against the nearest wall. Are you fucking gods damned kidding me?

I've been chasing this vial of blood for five hours trying to make sure it doesn't go to someone like Wolfram and Hart.

And here I am at the monastery where the Order of Dagon made Dawn out of the key and "Slayer Essence." Of course that means blood. Why shouldn't it?

I almost walk away. I almost chalk it up as an amusing story to tell the grandkids some day.

But I'm kind of hungry, and I did come all this way... it'd be a shame if I were to leave empty handed.

And it's been forever since I've had any proper fun. Getting a bunch of monks to make Buffy a little sister I can corrupt will certainly be fun.

Still... I hate improv work. Best to think this through, come up with a proper plan. To quote the great philosopher Jayne Cobb, 'It sure would be nice if we had some grenades.'


---Walking into the Monastery---

Feeling an alarm spell on the main doorway set my tattoos buzzing faintly, I call out to one of what I assume is the monk equivalent of a mook. "Hello?"

Predictably knowledge of English alone doesn't get me very far. His response is perfect in its unintelligibility.

Telling him I'm lost in badly mangled Hungarian is moderately more successful, in that it causes him to gesture at me to wait and then walk into the back area.

He returns with another monk a moment later. "You speak English?" He asks me.

I promote him from victim to minion on the spot. Reaching out with thrall I make sure to render him calm before introducing myself. "Yes! Hi, sorry. I seem to be lost. Uh... oh! My name is Ben Wilkinson. Where am I?"

Brother Minion smiles happily at me. Brother Victim... sadly appears to be panicking. He makes a run for it yelling about Glorificus.

...

Oh come on. There's supposed to be a spell that keeps people from making that connection.

Shooting the panicked monk in the back I set off into the monastery.


---Monastery Main Halls : Moments Later---

Ducking back around the corner as my tattoos sizzle once more, I load my last clip into my pistol.

Reminding myself again that I'm playing a part here, I resist the urge to wade into melee. Instead I talk to myself.

"Shut up Glory! I'm working on it already!"

I head back out into the hallway, putting a round through the head of the monk with a shotgun. What the fuck was a shotgun supposed to do to a god? I studiously ignore the sensation of the hole in my stomach knitting closed.

The monk that tried to curse me flees deeper into the monastery. I really hate that guy. I can't just shoot him because I know I watched him cast the spell that made Dawn. Why won't he just get on with it? Should I be insulted right now? Am I not terrifying enough for you people? Walking through your monastery, magic sliding off me left and right, shotgun shells barely causing me to break stride. Granted they obviously did wound me... I don't have Glory's invulnerability. Maybe that's it?

But come on already! How many more gods damned monks do I need to murder before you people panic and resort to your little creation ritual?


---Monastery Catacombs : Moments later---

The scent of blood fills my nostrils, finally overwhelming even that noxious incense that fills this place.

I think I finally understand why so many vampires eschew firearms and other weaponry. The smell of all that blood going to waste on the floor is absolutely maddening.

Forcing myself to focus on the more important things, I prod the remaining monk with the fire poker again. I have to play my chosen role out to its conclusion after all. The scent of burned flesh at least adds a touch of variety to the smells in here.

"Tell me where my key is!" My originally faked anger is now quite genuine irritation. "I just want you to tell me so I can go home. Why is that so hard for you people to grasp?" I force myself to calm down before biting out Ben's line. "I think that might be the problem, your most unstableness, I don't think he wants to let you go home."

I give the monk my best crazed smile.

"Pane boze, pomoz mi." I glare once more at the corpse of the monk that canonically survived Glory's assault on the monastery. He just had to sacrifice himself to save this guy. Now I get to deal with the young monk that doesn't speak English. Ooh! Wait a minute! I remember that one. The subtitles said... "God save me? Oh, come on! That's not even a little bit helpful."

I hold the poker against him for another moment.

"Je to bezpečné. Někde, kde jí nikdy nenajdete.!"

...

That one I don't remember. I turn to Brother Minion, standing in the doorway with a the dazed expression and moronic smile plastered on his face. "What did he just say?"

"He said it's safe. Somewhere you'll never find it." I snort. Yeah, because that worked out so well for them in canon. Looking over at the now emptied vial of blood in the middle of the ritual circle I sigh.

Picking it up and giving it a theatrical whiff I can at least confirm that it really was Buffy's blood.

...

I drop my... admittedly piss poor Ben/Glorificus impersonation in favor of a William the Bloody. "...Slayer..."

That finally gets a reaction from the monk, his redoubled efforts to escape are almost comical, but they're all the confirmation I need. They did send the key to Buffy. Mission accomplished!

Thank the gods. I'm fucking hungry. I burned through entirely too much energy sprinting to the fountain when their creation spell turned my tattoos buggerfucking incandescent.

Hmmm... I look down at my ruined clothes. I suppose I have to give them points for effort at least. I also have to remember to make a note when I get home that holy water is fucking itchy. Certainly preferable to being on fire though.

And speaking of fire, I should probably do something about the bodies. Dropping the now drained monk, I head back down the tunnel to the rest of the monastery. Where was that room with the wine casks? Could probably use a shower too. I never did find their bathroom.


---Last Changeover on the Train Ride Back---

Once again just smiling and showing the conductor my ticket and letting him do whatever he feels he needs to I dig my phone out of the suit jacket that used to belong to Mr. Borath.

Setting it down on the seat next to me to let it grab service, I wonder if the authorities will be able to piece my trail of misinformation together. I'm never sure if I'm under or over thinking these things. He did put a ticket to Czech on his credit card after all. And then another one for the trip back home a few hours later. During which intervening time that beautiful monastery tragically burnt down with everyone inside. His fingerprints should even be all over what's left of the monastery after I made him and Brother Minion help me loot it.

Ah well. I suppose I don't really care which of my two ex-minions the cops think did it.

My phone starts buzzing almost immediately after contacting the towers.

From Amy: 'Do you remember the third Harry Potter Book?'

Of course I do. But something about that question screams Danger Will Robinson Danger to me.

From Mr. Wells: 'I have your 10 cases of chocolate.'

From Harmony?: 'I bought you a new messenger bag. It's so much nicer than that hideous backpack you cart around. But I'm still mad at you! I can't believe you missed such a fantastic shopping trip on purpose!'

Yeah. That number is definitely Harmony. And I can completely believe she's mad at me. I'm pretty sure Messenger Bag is Harmonese for purse. She bought me a purse.

From Amy: 'Where are you now?'

Yeah. Okay... let's stick to the safer topics.

To Amy: 'Back in Hungary. Side Quest Completed. Eta 1-2 Hrs.'

From Amy: 'We're going to that bar across the street. Meet us there.'

Bit early for... I glance out at the now almost done with setting sun. Damn. I lost the entire day to this little misadventure. Most of that spent on a train.


---Metro Station, Budapest : Tuesday Night---

Typing out a quick message letting Amy know I'm back and setting my phone down. I start to stretch when my phone makes an absolutely horrifying noise.

The auto-generated message tells me that... Harmony's emergency beacon was activated 20 minutes ago. Buggerfuck!

...

Since when does Harmony even have an emergency beacon? Shaking my head, I table that thought in favor of being productive.

Amy said they were headed to the bar across from the hotel. That's... not too far from here actually.

I take off at a dead sprint, winding the blonde hair Faith handed me yesterday around my pendant as I go.


---At the Bar : A Ten Minutes Later---

Rounding the corner, I can see that the bar is crawling with cops. Not surprising considering the shattered window and wrecked looking interior.

The pendant's tugs suddenly swing wide as a cruiser goes past me with its lights on.

Harmony smiles and waves at me from the back seat. I quickly confirm that Faith and Amy's hairs pull the same direction.

...

I start walking towards the local police station.
 
Interlude 10A – Leftover A's
***Faith POV***

---Hotel Room – 9PM Local Time ---

I wake up to a face full of long blonde hair and a hand on my boob. Oh, I've had this dream before. I guess I'm not awake yet. "Hey, B."

...

The head of blonde hair starts to shake itself out groggily. "...Morning, Amy." B says-

What the shit? "Harmony!?"

A pillow hits my head. "Shush you two." I look over as Amy rolls over to face away from me.

...

Right. I'm in Budapest. I conked out between them because Jack got us a room with only one bed. Because 'he didn't know Harmony was coming.'

Speaking of Harmony... "you know you can let go of me now."

When Harmony doesn't respond, I pry myself free of her grip and sit up.

I guess I could play some more of that Pokemon game while I wait for sleeping Dee and sleeping Dah to wake up.

Digging my copy of the game out of my suitcase I glance over and see Harmony's koala impression migrating across the bed. Ames seems far cooler about it than I thought she'd be. Weird.


---Hotel Room Shower– 4AM local time---

As I finish rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I hear Amy scream.

I jump out of the shower and grab my sword off the top of my suitcase. Rushing out into the main room I-

...

Don't see anything wrong. Ames is just staring at her Gameboy and Harmony is doing something with her clothes.

"You!" Amy is pointing at me.

"What did I do?"

"You deleted my game!"

...

"No I didn't! I started my own game. On my own- Oops."

"OOPS!?"

"I musta forgot to switch the cartridges back. Yours is in the case."

I turn around to go back to my shower but the door is closed and locked.

...

"Damn it, Harms! I wasn't done yet!"

"Huh... funny how that works out isn't it." I glare back at Amy's now smirking face.

Okay fine then. Putting the sword down on the table I plop down into the chair next to her and start combing through my hair. I give it 5 minutes before Ames notices.

...

It takes her ten. The hotel's coffee must be super weak. "Faith! Put some clothes on!"

"Nope!" I pop my P just like Ames does when she wants to annoy Jack.

"Yes! You can't just sit there naked!"

"Really? Cause my clothes are in the bathroom, which Harmony locked me outta."

...

"So wear something else!"

"Nope! My suitcase with all of my clothes is in the bathroom. Funny how that works out isn't it."

Ames huffs angrily and starts muttering under her breath. It sounds like victory as Jack would say.

...

The blanket launches itself off the bed and starts attacking me. "Damn it, Ames. Not cool! This thing is itchy!"

Ames cackles gleefully. The blanket continues its attempt to wrap itself around me despite my best efforts.

"Urgh! Ya know what!? Next time I'm just gonna letcha get eaten."


---5AM local time---

Harmony leans out of the bathroom cautiously and looks at us. "Are you two done fighting yet?"

...

The spell tickling my feet stops. I let Ames out of the headlock.

"Yes..." Ames and I both answer.

"Great! Amy's turn in the shower." She looks around the room and then scrunches up her nose. "Where's Jack?"

"He said he had to take care of something work related and then he'd come join us." Ames grabs her cell phone before walking into the bathroom. "I'll text him and see how much longer he'll be." She says before closing the door.

...

The door opens again and my suitcase floats out. Awesome.

Harmony grabs my suitcase before I finish freeing myself from the Hell-blanket. She starts rummaging through it, holding up my shirts and then tossing them aside.

"Where are those shirts I bought you?" I didn't bring them, they made me look like one of those preppy bitches. "Didn't you bring anything nice to wear?"

"Excuse me!? There's nothing wrong with my clothes!"

"Oh honey..." She trails off at Amy's shout from the bathroom.

"CZECHOSLOVAKIA!?"

Harms pauses, frowning. "Didn't they break up?"

The door swings open, and Amy stomps out. "Jack's lost in Czechoslovakia. He thinks. I told him we're going shopping without him."

"That! URGH!" Harmony looks pissed. "He can't take you to Budapest for your birthday and then spend the whole trip working." She mutters as she starts mashing buttons on her phone.

...Shit! "It's your birthday!?" I didn't know that. I don't have-

"No. Not until next week. Jack just had some business here, and he mentioned they had some magic shops here in the older cities." Ames waves me off. "We're doing something else for my birthday, but he refuses to tell me what."

Oh. Okay then. Err... "Oh. Speaking of Jack. I got him to confess to messing with the cats. And no, I didn't lose the game, he still has no idea we both kept one. Anyway, he claims he's been housebreaking-"

Ames starts to laugh but Harmony suddenly stands up looking excited. "That's it!" Housebreaking's it? Umm...

"What?" Ames sounds as confused as I am.

"That's what we'll do. A game. Winner is the girl who finds the most embarrassing present they can actually get Jack to use. I'll teach him not to abandon us on shopping days yet."

...

Apparently we're leaving now. Harmony practically dragging Ames and I towards the door.

"Harmony, no! We're not dressed yet! I haven't even taken my shower."


---Clothing Store---

"Oh come on, Faith! There are colors other than black." Sure there are. But I can dress however I want now, rather than worrying about what I can afford, and I like black. I even got you into it for a while there Ames.

I stick my tongue out at Ames over my soon to be new pants. "I think I liked it better when you were copying me. Can we go back to that?"

Ames folds her arms over her chest and huffs out, "It didn't work." Huh?

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

"Even dressed like you, Jack didn't look at me twice."

"Hold up! What's that supposed to mean!?"

"You kind of dress-"

"Not that! Fuck. I get plenty of that shit from Harms. I mean this bullshit about Jack not looking at you twice."

"Oh come on! He stares at you like..." She runs her hands through her hair. "Goddess! Do slayers seriously just not get acne? And that's on top of the whole being able to eat whatever the fuck you want and still..." She makes an hourglass-y motion with her hands before clenching her fists. "Urgh. And did I miss a lesson on makeup or something? Oh wait. No. You looked like that before you even finished toweling off from the shower. Are you really going to tell me you're surprised Jack can't keep his eyes off of you?"

The fuck? "Ummm... Are you sure it's Jack that can't keep his eyes off of me?" I joke, trying to sort out what the fuck just happened. I did not think Ames swung that way.

"Of course I am. Who else would I be talking about?"

I paste a smile on. "Right... Of course." Fucking great. Ames is either a massive closet case or I'm somehow getting in between her and- err... "My brother has a crush on me? I'm gonna ignore how messed up that is for now. You listen to me. You are NOT the ugly step sister."

"Well of course you have to say that. You're my friend. Probably my best friend. You're like mystically compelled to lie to me and say I'm pretty."

I rub my forehead. "Okay. Look..." How do I fix this? "...Boys... are really fucking simple. If you really want to make one notice you, you just have to walk up to them and shove your hand down their pants. Not even a boy could manage to mess up that signal." Works on girls too, so... my job here is done.

"Very funny." She rolls her eyes at me. "If that was all I wanted I'd just spike his lemonade with some of your blood."

"Hold up. What was that last part?"

"Slayer's blood. It's some sort of aphrodisiac for vampires. The last time Jack got some of Buffy's-"

"He did what!?"

"Broke her nose after she stabbed him apparently. He licked his hand clean and then got all weird." Oh yeah. B mentioned that.

"So Jack got high on B's blood and then... you two didn't boink?" I bang my fists together a few times for emphasis.

"No. He did say I was pretty though."

"Ha! See! Not the ugly step sister. How much blood would you need anyway?"

"Faith. No. I want the whole dinner, dancing, maybe a movie thing first, not just a good lay because you get Jack high."

"...Why? The sex is the only thing that makes guys worth putting up with."

"Oh, Goddess! Faith! That's not... You are way too young to be that jaded."

I roll my eyes. "B told me the same thing."

"Buffy's... not stupid. I'm sure we agree about plenty of things. We both like you just fine after all."

I snort. If only. Wait.... what are you saying? "B-"

Harmony races up to us. Almost knocking me over as she uses Ames and I to brake. "I found it!"

"Found what?"

"A man purse!"



---Bookstore Number 3---

'Hume's Paranormal Encyclopedia.' I double check the list of books Ames gave me. Aha, that is on it! "Hey, Ames! I found one."

Amy rushes over. "Wow. They even have one in English?"

"Bound to happen eventually. I found those Harry Potter books you said I should read, but I guess they only have the first book, and it's in Hungryan."

"Oh. Yeah. We should definitely pick you up a set in London on the way home. Maybe one for Dawn too?"

"Yeah. She's still kind of upset Jack missed her birthday. Uh... the guy working here said there were only two books out though."

Ames rolls her eyes. "Nope, I definitely remember reading the third book. Harmony and I have talked about it."

"Talked about what?"

"The last Harry Potter book. The clerk said there were only two."

"But that's silly. I've read the whole series. Oh! Do you think he meant in Hungarian?"

...

"Read the whole- You mean you've read all three books right?"

"Uh. Hello! There are seven books. One for each year of Hogwarts. Duh..."

Okay. Even I know that's not true. How could she- uh.. "Harms..? Are you like some sorta seah?"

Ames rolls her eyes at me. "Harmony is not a seer."

But Harms pauses and looks thoughtful. "Maybe?"

Ames eyebrows climb into her forehead as her head whips back around to stare at Harms. "Maybe!?"

"Well... I like that answer better than the idea of me wanting to dream of Xander and Willow making out all the time lately."

...

"I hate to burst your bubble there, but I remember the third book too." Ames scrunches up her nose, thinking. "The same book too, since we've talked about Buckbeak before." Harms looks at Ames like she has a question. "...No." Ames rolls her eyes. "I do not dream about Willow making out with Xander."

Now she looks so sad. "It's okay, Harms." I pat her on the back. "I believe in you. We can check and see if Wills and X-man are getting it on when we get home."

"Really you two?"

"What? They're both cute. Hey! No making retching noises at me. I'm trying to be supportive here."

"Lord and Lady. You two do whatever you want. I'm going to text Jack and see if he remembers the third book too."

"Ask him about the rest of the series too!"

"There is no rest of the series." She shrugs at Harm's glare. "Either way, we'll know when we get to Heathrow."


---Heading towards the bar---

"Come on, Ames. It'll be just like going to The Bronze only more with more Hungryans." And maybe if I can get you and Jack sloshed enough I can get you both to get off your asses and get somewhere with each other.

Harm and I drag Ames into the Bar.

...

I'm dancing with some guy when I feel slightly dizzy. Woah. I haven't been this drunk since... I did not have nearly enough to drink for this. Did I?

The guy I'm dancing with holds my shoulder to steady me as I stumble slightly. He starts trying to... where are we going? I shake my head and try to focus.

Blonde hair in my face? Oh. No that's my drink... "Harrrmm?" My words sound slurred, I miss when I go to take my beer back. I'm definitely drunk. Harms doesn't give me back my beer.

She's yelling something at the guy I was dancing with and his buddies?

Dude on the left is yelling back. Not cool. Leave her alone!

...

No. Did he just hit Harms? Not okay. I swing my fist at his face. I end up spun around when I miss.

Shaking my head to try and clear it is a mistake. Makes the room spin.

Some guy grabs me. His mistake. I head butt him in the face. Down he goes. You do NOT hit my friends you fucker.

His buddy tries the grab me too. I manage to get a hold of his arm on the second try, twisting it until I feel that telltale snap.

I think he screams. My vision is filled with the barrel of the gun the third guy points at me.

I duck and roll like Jack drilled into me. There's a loud bang.

I wind up sprawled on the floor. Rolling. Bad plan. The gun is pointed at me again.

It's gone?

The gun clatters to the floor beside me. What?

There's a pile of clothes next to the gun. A ...rat..? climbs out of it. What?

Bright flashing lights fill the room as Harm and Ames help me to my feet. "What happened?" I ask. I think. I'm not sure it comes out right.

I'm being hugged. Okay. This part's not so bad.


---Police Lockup---

My head hurts. Harm's shoulder makes a great headrest.

Ames paces back and forth in the cell muttering something. She seems angry about something.

There's a loud buzzing and then a clank. "Okay. You three. Free go." The cop that almost speaks English tells us.

Harms and Ames help me up. Standing sucks. Everything's spinning.

We walk out to the front lobby of the station. There's a couple of cops napping in the chairs.

Jack is talking to one of the cops. He looks annoyed. I yawn.

Ack! Whats going on? Why am I... Okay. I'm being carried. I think standing up sucks more so I'll allow it.


---Hotel Room---

We stop moving. Jack puts me down on a bed.

"So... what happened?" I dunno. How did I get here? I close my eyes and listen to Jack and Ames talk while Harms strokes my hair. It feels nice.

"Some guys took a liking to Faith. She apparently has enough Rohypnol in her system to knock out a horse. Didn't stop her from putting two of them in the hospital."

... I was hypnotized?

"I'm going out." Jack sounds angry about something. I hear the door open.

"No. Jack. Wait."

"...What?"

"Here. It's everything I was able to magic out of the cops about them while getting us out of jail. Should help you find them."

"I'll take care of it."

"I know."

I hear the door start to close, then open again. "And girls?"

"Yeah yeah... I know, you're never going to leave us to our own devices again."

"Actually I just wanted to say how proud I was of all of you. You stuck together and looked after one another. Hell, I didn't even need to post bail." The door closes.

The bed shifts as Ames flops down onto the bed on my other side.

...

When did we leave the bar?


---Sunnydale Cemeteries---

I race into the cemetery to catch up with B for patrol. Wait... what the shit? Is that X-man and G? Where's B?

A vampire runs out from behind a crypt heading straight at them from behind. "Look out!" They finally spot me racing towards them, and then follow my finger towards the vamp.

X steps between the vamp and Giles. Taking a blow to the chest that knocks him down. He doesn't get up. The vamp stops moving and shakes its hand out? Weird, but I ain't complaining..

Grabbing the vamp when I arrive, I smash it's face into my knee. "Man I've missed this!"

Buffy comes running around the same crypt, finally, "You're back!" B tosses me a stake. I dust the vamp before he can regain his senses.

X-man, lying on the ground, asks sadly, "Can I get a little help here?"

"Xander! Are you okay!?"

"I'm fine Buff... the armor Jack made me works great. I barely felt anything. But... it's just..." He sighs. "It's too heavy for me to stand up on my own right now." Oh. Wow... He's wearing most of his Halloween costume.

Laughing, B and I pull the X-man to his feet. B pats him on the back. "Why don't you head on home. Faith looks excited to patrol. She and I can take it from here."

"Yeah, X-man, I got this. Oh man, wait til you hear what happened. I had the weirdest week while on vacation."

"You had a weird week? I bet mine was weirder."

"You're on! I'll go first. So Harms is convinced she's like some kind of seer now, right? Because..."
 
Interlude 10B –Houses made of Playing Cards
***Buffy POV***

--- Patrol - Cemetery, Sunnydale : Sunday ---

"... And then! I get home, covered in sewer gunk. And I find him. Doing things with my mother. Things I can never un-see now." I shudder at the memories and continue trying to repress.

He who shall no longer be mentioned in my presence decides it's okay for him to speak again for some reason. "Buffy, be reasonable. Your mother and I have already apologized for that. And we were cursed." I continue ignoring him.

Faith laughs at me. Laughs! "Damn, B. I didn't know Momma S was into kinky shit like that."

"Why would you say that!? It is not funny. It's totally of the yuckage and mental trauma causing. I'm going to be seeing Mr. Platt until I'm like 40 now. Thank God Dawn wasn't home."

Faith just shrugs at me. "Okay, you prolly win weirdest week. But I still have you beat for suckiest night though. It turns out that roofies give me-" Faith cuts off abruptly. What the what? Roofies!? "Who the hell are you?"

A woman walks up from behind... that librarian guy... "Gwendolyn Post. Mrs. Your new-"

Not a vamp? "Don't care!" I turn back to Faith. "What was that about roofies!? Are you okay?"

Faith just smiles at me. "Yeah, B, I'm fine, and Ames turned the guy that tried to shoot me into a rat, so it all worked out."

"Tried to shoot you!?"

Faith laughs.


--- Library, Sunnydale High : Sunday ---

"No offense, lady, but I'm telling you, I don't need a new watcher!" Faith stomps through the library doors behind me. "I already got G-man and my brother. That's plenty of supervision."

"Duly noted, and fortunately, it's not up to-" Mrs. Post pauses. "Your brother? You don't have-"

"Half brother! Whatever! I'm fine. So you can just go ahead and Mary Poppins your way back home to England. Kay?"

"Regardless of your feelings on the matter, the fact remains that the council feels that you do need a watcher of your own. I am to act in that capacity, and report back."

"Now, Faith, if the council feels you need closer observations, well of course we'll all cooperate with Mrs. Post." Says that librarian guy while polishing his glasses.

"The council wishes me to report on the entire situation here. Including you." Ha. I like this new lady already. That's what you get for... you know what you did. "The fact is, there is talk in the council that you've become a bit too… American." Giles!? Mr. Stuffy Brit is too American? I mean... him? "Now... where do you keep the rest of your books?"

"I'm sorry, the… rest?"

"Yes, the actual library..? Oh. I see."

"I assure you, Mrs. Post, this is the finest occult reference collection…"

"…this side of the Atlantic, I'm sure. Do you have Hume's Paranormal Encyclopedia?"

That librarian guy looks uncomfortable. Serves him ri-

"I've got that one!" Faith shouts happily, Dragging her backpack up onto the table and rifling through it. "Found it with Ames in this weird little shop in Hungry." She pulls out an oversized book that screams research material. "Jack was hoping you might take a look, make sure it's genuine and shit before we shelve it back home."

"Ah. Yes. Quite. I'd be very happy to." He smiles at the traitor masquerading as my sister slayer. We're supposed to be mad at him not bailing him out- Oh whatever. At least Dawn's still on my side. She even ran screaming from the room when she first found out. And mom was too embarrassed to get mad about the tiny dent in the car's bumper. "I should probably mention that Mr. Winters and Miss Madison maintain a rather impressive collection of texts for ones so young. We've worked out something of an exchange system for my own demonology texts. You may wish to consult with her before you disparage the resources at our disposal."

"I see. The council did mention that operations here seem somewhat haphazard. Faith. Sit up straight and pay attention."

Faith glares at her, folding her arms across her chest, and remains slouched. The new watcher yields first with a very Giles-like sigh of exasperation.

"A demon named Lagos is coming here, to the Hellmouth. Mr. Giles, an illustration of Lagos, if you please." Barely pausing a moment for Giles to even find that picture she sniffs dismissively. "Perhaps later. Lagos seeks the Glove of Myhnegon. No record of this glove's full power exists. We do know it is highly dangerous..."


---The Mansion : Monday Night---

I stare into Angel's eyes. Our arms wrapped around each other-

The door swings open with a bang. Startling me. I leap back away from Angel "Yo, B!" I hear Faith yell before she comes into the mansion looking annoyed. "I brought the blood you asked me to pick up, but it's time to motorvate if we wanna catch this Lagos dude tonight." She's holding a cooler and that stupid hammer Jack gave her is strapped to her back.

"Lagos?" Angel sounds concerned.

"Yeah, he's some kind of Demon looking for an all-powerful thingimibob and-"

"I've heard of him. You two be careful, he's dangerous."

Faith throws her arm around my shoulder and hands over the cooler to Angel. "So are we. Should be fun." She waggles her eyebrows at me.

"This is human blood." I look back to see Angel holding a bag of blood away from himself and staring at Faith.

"Yeah, I didn't have time to hit up the butchery with Mrs. Poppins crawling all over my ass lately." I can feel her shrug next to me, arm still wrapped around my shoulder. She gets extra touchy feely and protective when Angel's around. Like she doesn't trust him not to... "I asked Jack to grab you a blood bag from the hospital."

"He can do that?" I ask.

"Of course he can." Faith rolls her eyes at me. "He works there don't he? But seriously, B, we gotta get a move on." She pulls me towards the door, looking over her shoulder. "You okay there, Gramps? It's not like the blood's gonna bite ya or nothin."

I sigh, closing the door behind us. "Must you call him that? You know much it annoys him."

"Tell you what. I'll stop calling him gramps if he stops being 200 years older than us."

"Jack is a terrible influence on you."

"Nah, B. I just know you could do better." She punches me on the shoulder.

"Really? This from little miss 'get some and get gone, you can't trust guys that aren't family'?"

Faith laughs. "Says 'the girl that's boinkin the undead and refuses to tell me how it is'."

"That was one time! Past tense. I don't know what you think you saw, but there is no boink-age going on now. None."

"Damn, girl. You must be about ready to pop." She gets that grin on her face that warns me she's about to say something especially crass. "Does this mean your mom's gettin more action-"

I clamp my hands over my ears. "Shut up! I'm trying to repress-"

A large stone lid launches off one of the tombs in the cemetery ahead of us. A huge demony thing climbing out behind it. "Sonuva bitch, B, looks like it's our lucky night."


--- Library, Sunnydale High : Wednesday Morning ---

"Finding the Glove of Myhnegon is of the utmost urgency." Mrs. Post says as if we haven't been searching for it every night this week.

"Look, lady. We searched every cemetery in town. If that glove was ever here it ain't here now. We killed Lagos already. Let it go." Faith glares at her. I hold up my new Axe and give her my fakest smile.

"You'll simply need to apply yourselves properly. Have you canvassed the local demon community?" Mrs. Post continues as if Faith hadn't spoken. At least Jack refuses to be in the room with her. Dealing with both of them might drive me insane.

"And ask them what?" I nod my agreement with Faith.

"Yeah, you haven't told us what this thing does, or even really looks like!"



---Willy's Bar : Wednesday Night ---

I grab Faith. "Okay. Let me do the talking. Willy already knows I can hurt him if he doesn't talk."

Faith laughs and gives me a mock bow. "Be my guest."

We walk into Willy's bar. He waves at me? "Hey there, Faith. Usual?" He sighs. "Did you really need to drag the Slayer in with you?" I suddenly feel like I'm missing something.

Faith shakes her head no while laughing and sits down at the bar, hands raised in surrender. "Sorry, Willy. I'm supposed to let her do the talkin."

"Come here often?" She grins and nods at me. Of course she does. Why wouldn't she hang out in a demon bar with her half demon brother.

"Yeah, Ames and I come down on Thursdays for Clem's poker game." Huh... Demons play poker? Actually sitting down at the bar... is new.

"How is Little Madison doing anyway?" Little Madison? Amy is like 4 inches taller than I am.

"Oh come on, you know she hates it when you call her that." Faith shakes her fist at him. "She's good. She had dinner with her dad and his girlfriend and then Jack took her out into the desert for the night. Some sort of special celebration. Just the two of them." Faith waggles her eyebrows.

... oh. "So Jack and Amy are together?" Oz did mention that Jack smelled like her. Which was creepy enough, but then he said Jack also smells like Faith too now so that can't be why.

"Christ, I hope so." Wait. Even she doesn't know?


---Library, Sunnydale High : Thursday Morning---

"So, Willy hasn't heard of the Glove, but he said that his customer's are all terrified of some new sort of demon in the caves below town. Apparently it spews lighting and drags whole vampire crews into the depths, and get this, when it's not cackling like a madman, it speaks Gaylish." I report.

"Gaelic. Yes. That does sound promising." He smiles.

"You have searched these caves then?" She demands.

"Nope. Why would we? My brother is down there all the time. He hasn't told me about anything like that."


---Caves : Friday Evening---

"And here we are. Again. As if I don't have anything better I could be doing with my Friday night."

"Yeah, like staring at Angel's-" Faith's teasing cuts off as her flashlight beam swerves out to my right. "Mother Fucker!"

I turn around and find her sprawled on the ground. Ha! That's what you get. "Tripped again?"

"Yeah. I don't get how you can just walk around down here in the dark without any problems."

"I... don't know. I just kind of feel where to step. Like when I'm fighting with the blindfold on."

"Yeech. I hate that exercise. So glad Giles doesn't make me do that shit no more."

"Didn't you break one of the bookcases last time?"

"Shut up. I couldn't see anything!"

"Yeah. That's kind of the poi- ...shhh." Loud rhythmic clanging noises are echoing down the tunnel. "Do you hear that?"

"...yeah." Faith whispers back. We nod at each other and make our way towards the sounds.

Hearing muffled voices, we come around a corner and find ourselves looking at a pair of large brown demons with overmuscled necks. Behind them is a glowing wall of energy that lights up the whole area.

One of them backs away, tripping and falling backwards, seemingly startled by our arrival. It falls through the glowing barrier while the other...one... waves at us? Then it hits itself in the head?

Oh. The demon's head lifts up and off, revealing Jack's grinning face. "Hey, guys. What brings you two down here?"

Beside me Faith laughs. "This the spaceship?"

The brown demon on the floor lifts off its own head to reveal Amy's face. "It's NOT a spaceship. I don't care what Jack says."


---Library, Sunnydale High : Saturday Evening---

Mrs. Post slumps down in her seat. "Giles, not that I don't super appreciate it, but isn't shooting her kind of an extreme way to say no to more cave searchage?"

Putting the tranquilizer gun down on his desk, he walks over. "Yes. Sorry. I just got off the phone with the council. It seems our Mrs. Post here was fired from the council going on two years ago now for abusing black magic. They certainly hadn't sent her here, and asked that I apprehend her."

"DING! DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD!" Faith bellows at the top of her lungs practically directly into my ear before grabbing my arm and pulling me in a circle laughing.

"Oh... Those wacky watchers eh? Good thing you gave them a call."

"Actually, Xander, they called me. Apparently Joyce found her behavior concerning enough to write Mr. Travers a letter of complaint." Giles polishes his glasses, looking embarrassed. "They were rather cross with me in fact. They swear there was a memo sent out." That explains why mom was suddenly all curious about Mrs. Post. Maybe I should have told her sooner?

"Way to go, Momma S!" Faith continues her little one girl celebratory dance party.

"Hey. We should go thank her. Who knows what might have happened if she hadn't let them know." Willow smiles at me.


---Summers' Residence---

We all pull up in front of my house, split between Cordelia's car and Giles's... citrus thing.

I'm helping pull Faith out of the backseat when I hear shouting from the house.

Shouting in my house after dark. "Oh god." I run towards the house, Faith scrambling to catch up behind me. I hear Cordelia ask, "what's going on?"

"Sounds like a fight," Faith calls over her shoulder as we race up the path to the door, the doorknob breaks off in my hand as I barrel straight on through. Crap! Mom just replaced that.

Crossing through the living room I hear Angel, sounding worried. "Joyce, listen to me!"

"Fuck off, Angel! You're scaring Dawn." Jack's voice. Angel? Scaring Dawn? Oh crap. Dawn! No. No. No! NO! Angel no! You can't be here! Not after what happened last year.

"Joyce, you can't trust them, they're vampires. You have to Invite me in!" Vampires!? I charge into the dining room.

I see- no vampires? Just Angel standing in the back doorway, stuck outside the threshold. The table is knocked on its side, Jack standing in the middle of the room, with Dawn hiding behind him, shaking with terror. My mom is hugging her from behind trying to calm her down and pull her away from Angel.

Angel isn't leaving. "Angel! You can't be here! You're scaring my sister." While I'm trying to get Angel to leave, Faith runs past me to mom and Dawn. I hear Giles come through the front door and ask if everything is alright... Crap! Giles doesn't know you're back. "You have to go!"

"Buffy! You have to invite me in! Jack is a vampire."

"No he isn't. He just smells like one. Oz thought so too at fir-"

"No you don't understand, Buffy. I helped Dru turn him and then we buried him behind the mansion." What!?

"...the bloody 'ell is- oh bugger." I turn and see... Spike!? standing in the kitchen. He's staring at me with two mugs of hot chocolate in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

As I'm pulling out my stake, my mom yells, "Buffy, thank God! Get rid of him before he hurts your sister again." Again!? Oh crap she means Angel.

I hear Xander shout behind me. "Holy shit it's Angel! Stake him!" Double crap!

"YOU MEAN YOU KNEW!?" Jack sounds angrier than I've ever heard him. Faith is latched onto him from behind trying to hold him back as he literally glows purple with rage and steps towards Angel swinging his fist. Faith dragging along behind him, her boots scraping lines into the floor. Angel turns to dodge, taking Jack's swing in the shoulder, and there's a wet crunching noise of bones snapping as Angel goes spinning back away from the house.

"Yeah!" Xander yells.
 
Part 34 – Laying down the Rails
---Hotel, Budapest---

Amy opens the hotel room door. Her eyes are looking a little bloodshot and she smells like coffee. "Everything taken care of?" Her voice is low, but steady.

"Yeah." I answer in kind as I step into the room, closing the door behind me. "Did you sleep at all?"

"No." She walks back over towards the chair that's been moved next to the coffee machine. "Faith's woken up a few times now. She's still a little out of it but she's getting better." She refills her coffee cup and sits down. "She still has trouble remembering things. I've had to tell her what happened three times now."

I look over at the bed. Harmony and Faith are passed out clinging to each other. "Ah. How's she taking it?"

Putting down my new hockey bag full of loot, I fill my own cup of coffee while Amy sighs and tries to find her words. "Better than I think I would. She usually calms down when I get to the part where she puts two of them in the hospital."

"That's our Faith for you. Resiliency through violence."

"Yeah. She is that. What did you do to them?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

...

Amy looks over at the bed for a moment before meeting my gaze head on. "Yeah." She means it too. I don't even need thrall to tell that.

"They checked themselves out of the hospital AMA. Walked themselves back to their little hideaway where they kept the last girl they grabbed. The one that actually spiked Faith's drink was fully awake but apparently unable to speak for some reason the entire time his buddy raped him to death. That can take hours it turns out, even with his buddy's sheer enthusiasm for the project. That buddy seemed to be rather horrified by what he'd done after he finished boxing up the first guy's heart. I guess he couldn't take the guilt anymore because he gave his pistol a blowjob."

I'm still a little sad about that last part. That pistol was the first gun I, or even father, ever owned. I shrug at my own thoughts, this way the police will have another suspect for the monk's massacre. Plus, the small arsenal I found in their basement should more than replace it.

"I have the first guy's heart and some blood boxed up for later if you want to look into dragging his soul back up here and taking a personal interest in how it spends the rest of eternity. I'm thinking Hades should be more than up to the task if we can get it gift wrapped and delivered to the fields of punishment. He's supposed to a creative bugger about this sort of stuff."

I turn back to stare Amy in the eyes. She hasn't so much as flinched once. They grow up so fast. "The third guy of course still thinks he's a rat. Well done there with the quick thinking." I down the remainder of my coffee.

"Thanks."

"You do know how to reverse that spell if you accidentally transmogrify someone other than your target right?"

"Of course I do."

"Make sure you put the directions in writing. Preferably described simply enough so that even Harmony could follow them and we'll add it to the emergency binder back home."

She rolls her eyes at me. "I did that when we first put that thing together."

I smile. "Good girl. Want to see what I found while I was out for my walk?" Amy's smile is tight, still tinged with worry, but she nods.


---Flight Home---

I can hear the clickclickclick-Blahgh! noises as Harmony works her way through the old catacombs under Tristram with Faith gleefully providing advice and commentary in between Pokémon battles.

Amy is passed out with her head on my shoulder while I continue to attempt to puzzle my way through the Orbs of Nezzla-khun's box's infuriatingly difficult arcane lock.

The sheer complexity of it makes me wonder if techno-mancy might not be the way to go. Then again from what I've been reading in the books I finally got Willow to let me borrow a few short weeks ago... learning everything I'd need to automate this process might take longer than getting the box open. Great for the long term, but I'd really rather have these things added to my toolset sooner than later.


---Nezzla Demon Lair, Sunnydale Caves : Late Sunday Night---

I throw a rock at the force field. It appears to be just as strong now as it ever was. "See? Force field."

"Okay fine." Amy huffs. "There's a force field, but that doesn't mean it's part of some crashed alien spacecraft."

"Doesn't mean it isn't, either. I'll stand by my theory until you can prove otherwise."

"So how do we get past it? You said you wanted me to look for what's making it."

I grin at her. "Well, the demons that lived here were immune to it. So they could just walk through without any-"

Amy groans. "You're going to make me wear one of them aren't you. That's so gross."

"Well... Yes." I never thought about that way. Then again, wearing someone else's body is such a fundamental part of my existence... I guess it just goes to show what you can get used to when you hvae no choice. "Maybe you should just try to focus on the whole having a force field around the house part, I guess? But anyway, not tonight. It's late, and we have school in the morning so you need to sleep. We can come back down here later. I just wanted to confirm that the demon's deaths didn't dissipate the field."

Amy and I walk back towards home. Just before we finish rounding the corner to bring the lab's vault door into sight Amy perks up. "Faith's home." Huh, I didn't even get a tingle from the wards. I guess I have to be in the house for it to even try and signal me. Probably means I'm only getting the equivalent of those entry bell things. Amy at least clearly gets useful information though, which is a plus.

"That's perfect. We can tell her about the spaceship. She'll love it."

"It is not a sp- ... Someone I don't know followed her in."

We're both off like a flash.

Bounding up the stairs into the living room just in time to spot them as Faith and... Mrs. Post? walk out of it into the library. The fuck is that woman doing in my house? Shouldn't she have arrived on Tuesday? Now that we're past the lab's sound proofing which Amy insisted on upping for some reason, I can make out their conversation... such as it is.

"See? Even has a Library. Fulla books and shit. I do not need another watcher."

... Okay. This will not do. "Excuse me! Hi..." I pause to reign in my impulse to simply kill her and be done with it. Even as annoyed as she sounds, I don't think Faith is ready to see that yet. "Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?"

I suddenly have to fight off an attack of amusement that threatens to dislodge my irritated indignation at the look of relief on my sister's face when she spots us.


---Winters Residence : Monday after school---

I open the door. "Hey there, Bats."

...

He's standing on my doorstep with a hockey bag stuffed full enough that he seems to be having trouble carrying it..? I raise an eyebrow. "What's up?"

"That armor you made me is a bit heavy. Got knocked down and couldn't get back up until Buffster and Faith got there the help."

"Huh. I didn't think about that." It's amazing how fast you get used to supernatural strength. "Here, let me take that, we can put it on the table by the couch and take a look."

Between us we assemble the various pieces into a roughly person shaped pile and then step back.

"Okay. Are there any parts you don't need? Places you don't ever get bruises while running around with Buffy?"

I look over to see him thinking. Every few seconds he opens his mouth and then shakes his head and closes it before finally answering. "My shins are usually okay. You know, except for the occasional minor 'I tripped over a headstone' type injury."

That... says rather a lot actually. Pity about your choice in causes, but I can't fault your dedication to it. "Well, I seriously doubt the boots are the problem weight wise." I sigh. "It's probably the Kevlar lining that's weighing you down. Of course removing that defeats the whole damn point of the armor." I could probably compensate with magical enchantments, but I wanted armor that would work even in an anti-magic field... or do those even exist? I know Giles tried to bind Willow's magic, and I was able to get that magic-suppression serum, but I haven't found anything on directed fields.

"We don't actually see that many guns here in Sunnydale."

"Yeah, sure, but it only takes one... well, okay. I suppose... being worried about high caliber sniper fire may have been a bit excessive. They'd probably use armor piecing rounds anyway. I'll see if I can get a stripped down liner rated against small arms. Shave off a lot of weight that way."

"Awesome." He looks around the living room. "...What's with all the holes in the walls?"

"I'm pulling down the drywall on the exterior walls to add bullet proof reinforcements." I point out the stack of metal sheets as Xander shakes his head in amused disagreement with my 'paranoia.'

"Want some help?" From a professional contractor in the making?

"...Sure. I can even pay you in Twinkies." He laughs as we each grab a side of one of the metal sheets.

"What are these goofy symbols?"

"Amy etched some sort of strengthening runes into them. Apparently they can stop tank rounds now." I leave out the fact that doing so even once would probably not just drain all of the soon to be five capacitors down in the basement, but burn out everything connecting them. Even without any kind of power boost, they ought to be enough to stop bullets and the like from getting through.

...I really need to sort out a proper mana battery rather than relying on an amateur techno-pagan electric converter. Damn things keep burning out on me. Though that might have as much to do with the level of stress I'm putting on them as it does my relatively low skill with making them. If only the local journeyman technomancer wasn't Willow. Even ignoring the fact that she's decided my first name is Jerk rather than Jack, I'd never hear the end of it from my Amy if I brought in that red haired know it all as a contractor. Gods, the fact that their rivalry started over academics just seems so unbelievably... high school.

Xander's been laughing while I was ruminating. "Isn't that kind of a tiny bit extreme?"

I stare at him with a straight face and ask, "... have you met my sister?" I bring my hand up to my shoulder. "She's about yea high, breaks EVERYTHING. My only concern is if this turns out not to be enough."


---Joyce's Office at The Gallery : Tuesday, Lunchtime---

"I don't know how I feel about this new watcher, Joyce." I mean... I know she won't be able to get a hold of the Glove and turn traitor but still... Finding her in my house was not something I ever planned on. Pity Faith would probably object if I just ate her.

"What new watcher? Did something happen to Giles?" I pause. Giles. Not Mr. Giles. I suppress a grin.

What was I saying? Oh right. "No. no." I wave the idea off. "She's supposed to be Faith's watcher... Didn't Buffy tell you?"

"Buffy often forgets to tell me important details in her life." She looks so disgruntled, I can't help but laugh.

"Oh, Joyce, weren't you just telling me about how you wish she could have a more normal life? I hate to break it to you, but teenagers leaving things out of their stories is definitely normal."

"I'm aware. I was one once too you know."

"Oh right! I heard about all the fun I missed last week. Did you enjoy yourself?"

"I can't believe you heard about that. We really didn't mean for Buffy to walk in on us on the couch like that. I'm sure she's telling everyone she's been scarred for life."

...

Shame that it sounds like there was no police car, but still. "Buffy walked in on... you and Giles? That's... That I did not hear about yet. So you did have fun I take it?"

Joyce covers her face as it turns bright red. She nods though.

"I uh... may have ordered a bunch of that band chocolate in advance to appease Snyder after I told him about my family vacation plans. If you and Mr. Giles ever wanted to go away for a weekend..."

Joyce looks back up at me wide eyed. "...You're joking... You're not joking? You kept it?"

"Of course I kept it. I have no idea if the magic is still any good yet, but at worst it's tasty chocolate."

"...I'll think about it..." She takes a deep breath as her face tints slightly pink again. "But you were telling me all about this new watcher my daughter forgot to mention to me."

Well, If you want to pump me for information that I wanted to give you... who am I to complain? "I can't quite put my finger on it... She just... gives me the wiggins, you know? It's not any one things she does per se..."


---Winters Residence Driveway – Wednesday night---

I carefully load the last of the supplies into the back of the truck and strap them down firmly. Then, after double checking that the darts loaded with the magic suppressor are loaded into the pistol strapped to my back one final time, I hop into the driver's seat. "Ready to go?"

Amy nods in the seat next to me. "You sure you can't tell me where we're going?"

"We're going just a bit over an hour's drive... thataway... I think. Northeast."

"But that's... okay. Care to tell me why we are driving an hour into the desert?"

"Nope. That's the part I'm not gonna tell you. It would spoil the surprise. But trust me, you're going to love it."

Amy rolls her eyes at me and goes back to her game, muttering about crazy vampires obsessed with birthdays.
 
Part 35 - Rerouting Trains
---Winters Residence : Late Wednesday Night---

Faith practically pounces on Amy when we get back to the house. "Did you have a good time? How was it?" She's practically vibrating in place. I sigh. I recognize those warning signs. Somebody found the candy stash again.

Amy laughs. "Fantastic. I had a lot of fun. Goddess, I think I feel better than I have in years."

Faith's grin is blinding. "And...? Details. Come on. No holding out on me."

Amy looks to me for help, but I know better than to willingly involve myself when Faith gets hopped up on sugar like this. Rolling my eyes, I shoo the two of them into the house. "Go on, I'll take care of unpacking the truck."

Amy's bare instant of hesitation is rendered moot as Faith picks her up and carries her off, chattering about Amy's night.

Shaking my head, I unload what's left of the gear and carry it down to the vault.

Tapping out the combination to the safe and opening the door I'm assaulted by a small tide of demonic spiders. The Box of Gavrok is sitting in the middle of the safe, its lid slightly ajar.

Gods Damn It Wilkins. You were supposed to have taken the damned thing off my hands 4 days ago. Quickly rushing over to the box, I force the lid closed again.

Stomping out the spiders that got free I note that there seems to be a large pile of smashed looking spiders off to one side.

...

The hell?

This must be Faith's doing. Shifting one of the heavier crates onto the top of the box, I head back up the lab stairs to ask her. I clear the soundproofing just in time to hear Amy yell angrily. "Faith! No! We did NOT screw my brains out."

I snort. Not that watching her open Faith's present wasn't hilarious anyway.

Maybe I'll ask her about the spiders later.

Amy's aggrieved voice carries down the stairs once more. "There was no sex involved!"

Yeah... The spiders can wait. I wonder if Faith ate that last thing of popcorn already..?


---Winters Residence : Thursday Afternoon---

My suspicions are confirmed when I find Faith in the vault letting spiders out of the box and then smashing them with a rubber mallet.

"Ahem."

"Hey Jack." She doesn't even look at me.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Killin spidah demons." She finally looks over at me, brow furrowed as if she's concerned "They are demons right?"

...

"Yes? I think they're supposed to be anyway. But, uh... why are you killing them?"

"Okay... So, B and I were fightin that Lagos guy right?" She pauses to smash another spider with loud crunch and a grin. "And then B made fun of my hammer cause it can't cut things in half like she did with the axe she took from him." Another spider gains the ability to empathize with pieces of paper. "So I said I bet I could kill more demons with even a rubber hammer than she could with her new axe." She points at the growing pile of dead demon spiders.

"What do you get when you win?"

"B has to call Angel 'Gramps' for a week."

...

"Amy said to tell you dinner will be ready in an hour or so. Do you wanna eat down here?"

"Nah. I should say goodbye to the sky before B and I get banished to the caves tonight."

"Excuse me?"

"Mary Poppins wants us to search the caves for this demon glove thing."

I glance over at the Glove of Myhnegon sitting on the shelf to our right. "Mrs. Post thinks there's a 'demon glove' down in the caves?"

"Yeah... It's pretty dumb. I fuckin hate caves."

"...You hate caves? I thought you liked nature."

"Caves ain't nature. They're dark and smell funny."

"... I see." Like a blind man. Shrugging, I add 'caves' to my mental list of things that just ain't natural according to my Sister along with 'giant ass bees' and 'eatin corn that ain't on the cob.'


---Winters Residence : Thursday After Dinner---

Project Sanitation - November 19th - Progress Notes
  • Moe, Larry, and Curly finally no longer need prompting to hold meetings on their own.
  • They've begun to-
I feel my tattoos ping once, twice, three times. That's... got to be the wards' doorbell feature. Now what's going on? Putting my notes away I head upstairs to investigate.

I make it to the top of the stairs in time to watch as Faith flounces into the map room trailed by an equally annoyed-looking Buffy. Mrs. Post trailing along behind them looking smug as ever... I pause, taking a moment to remind myself that my irritation with her is for things she can't actually do this time around. That I need to be patient, and wait for her to self destruct before I do anything... rash.

Faith's voice carries back out and into the living room."See? Big map of the caves."

...

Buffy would be bad enough but Faith and I apparently need to have a serious discussion about the map room being off limits to Mrs. Post.

Gods. What a horrifying thought. The universe managed to find someone whose presence in the map room offends me even more than Buffy's.

Speaking of Stabberific Barbie, I hear her response as I start towards what I should probably rename 'Jack's office' so as to discourage such intrusions. "That doesn't look so- wait does that say 1 centimeter is 10 meters!?"

I lean against the door frame that my... guests... left open and watch them stare at the wall with looks of mounting horror. "Yup! They crisscross back and forth under the town. And those orange lines lead to the deeper bits I haven't mapped out yet."

"I suggest you both get started then. It is absolutely imperative that we find the Glove of Myhnegon." I roll my eyes. Right. Because searching the caves is going to help with that.

Faith's shoulders slump as she and Buffy head towards the lab stairs. If I didn't know they planned on destroying it with Living Flame I'd admit I already have it and be done with it.

"Hold up." I fetch the mining helmet I originally got for Amy from the workbench. Dropping it on Faith's head, I help adjust the strap to fit her. "Save your flashlight's batteries for backup."

Making a note to change all the passwords on the cavern entrance once this is over, I pat her on the helmet and smile as I watch her and Buffy set out into the caves.

I close the door and turn to find myself alone with an annoyed looking Mrs. Post. Believe me lady, I don't like it any better than you do.

I smile tightly. "Faith tells me you don't seem to approve of her living here with me."

"You're part demon. I'm of a mind to contact the council to have her-"

Reaching over and slamming the door's override over to locked, I catch her gaze. Her eyes widen slightly as I... slam into a sensation of resistance not unlike a weaker version of what I assume is The Mayor's mental protection spellwork.

Darting forward I wrap my hand around her throat and choke off her attempt to scream. Slamming her against the wall hard enough to disorient her, I take advantage of her lapse in concentration to drag her over to the cabinet where the suppressor darts are.

It only takes one.

Keeping a firm grip on her throat and leaning in and staring into her mind through her eyes, I whisper.

"Tell me everything."


---Winters Residence : Later that Night---

Waving goodbye to Mrs. Post as she heads off into the night I close the door. Talk about striking intel gold. If even half of what she remembers-

"No! I forbid it." Harmony marches into the living room. What was she even doing in the map room to begin with?

Forbid what? Context people. It's a thing that exists.

...

I can wait. I fold my arms over my chest and wait for her to exp-

She holds up the orbs of Nezzla'Khan. The fuck!? "These? Are fucking tacky." Her hands are on her hips and she starts tapping her foot. "I have put too much work into getting you all to start dressing better to let you ruin it by wearing these... abominations."

"These aren't... they're not for wearing."

"Oh. Okay then." Tossing the orbs to me, she spins around on her heel and marches back out of the room.

I stare at the orbs in my hands. How!? I check the map room. The magically sealed box they were in, which Amy and I have been failing to open for weeks, is lying on my desk with the cover off.

How did Harmony get it open?

Maybe I shouldn't dismiss Faith's theory that she's a seer completely out of hand. She must have some manner of talent to have opened the box and work the tracking spells, right?.

Anyway... I go to cross "Open locked box" off of the list and add an entry to look into Harmony's possible abili-

...the hell is that? Tacked on to the list of halloween costumes in Faith's horrifying chicken scratch is 'Dawn - Catwoman.'

I guess maybe her crush on Bats survived my butterflies.

...Shouldn't she still be like 12 right now? I can't imagine she's supposed to have come to the bar with us.

Well that's... concerning... I have no idea what the supposed history is here.


---Mayors Office : Friday Afternoon---

"Thank you for your patience, Sir. Mayor Wilkins will be with you shortly."

Setting the Box of Gavrok down next to me, I smile and wave him off. "Like I told you on Sunday, Allan, it wasn't a problem." Recalling Faith's bet with Buffy I laugh. "The biggest challenge I faced in the entire affair was keeping my sister from playing with the spiders." Allan's complexion pales. Fear tinging his scent. Huh? Oh... there's The Mayor.

"Mr Winters. I do apologize about the delay."

"As I was just telling your deputy, it wasn't an issue. I do hope everything is alright though?"

Wilkins smiles. "Nothing major. One of my campaign contributors had an issue during last week's fundraiser. I just had to smooth some ruffled feathers. All in a day's work for a small town Mayor."

...

Huh. I guess Lurconis survived ?

"Well I'm glad everything worked out okay then. I have that box you wanted."


---Winters Residence : Saturday Late Afternoon---

Orb Sciences - November 12th - Initial testing
  • Orbs do not appear to require any special placement beyond 'on my person' to activate.
  • Orbs do appear to be paired however, only having one produces no tangible results.
  • Activating and Deactivating them appears to only require a minimal amount of focused will and thought.
  • While active there appears to be some manner of instinctive information transfer, not unlike when a fellow Aurelian Vampire is nearby.
  • Regrettably, while there is a definite sense of a timer ticking down while active and then recovering while inactive, the information transfer does not appear to include the linguistic base with which to understand the units of measurement. Further study will be required to determine maximum run and charge times.
  • Mana/Power drain occurs during the charge cycle, and is quite excessive.
..?

I put down my notebook when the actual doorbell rings.

Somehow in the midst of this week's parade of unannounced and unwelcome visitors it seems almost surreal to have someone actually take the time to ring the mundane bell rather than just barging in and setting off the magical one. The itching in my tattoos as I'm approaching the door however makes me cancel the good feelings convention. It reminds me of the cousin that went up in flames during the Gem hunt. A few more steps toward the door and... yup, there's that inexplicable wellspring of positional data and other random factoids.

Gods Damn It. A male vampire from my family line is out there. I am not in any kind of hurry to deal with Angel today. Or any day for that matter. Peaking through the spy hole-

...

William? The fuck are you doing here? Shouldn't Mother have kept you in Brazil, and away from Buffy, if she wanted to keep you from burning in the sunshine? Oh, who even knows what she actually wants anymore. For a precog, her decisions make distressingly little sense.

He's early in any case, Mrs. Post is still running around.

Shrugging, I shove the orbs into my pocket and open the door. No sense making my Brother wait.

William is obviously a little drunk but is showing admirable effort to keep it together. He even smiles politely at me. "Hello, is there an Amy Madison here?"

...

Excuse me? "What?"

"Clem, down at Willy's bar, said I could find an Amy Madison here. Said she does spell work for demons?"

There are just so many problems bundled up into that little statement I don't even really know where to begin.

I opt to start with the easiest to deal with at the moment. "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Mother broke up with you again?"

"Yeah. Wait how did you-"

...

William and I stare at each other for a moment, mirroring each other in our confusion.

...

"You have no idea who I am do you?" His persisting confused expression answers me. "Gods fucking damn it all to buggerfucking Hades, Mother."

I sigh. She goes through all that trouble of making me and then-

"... You're Dru's alien then?"

"Yes!" I throw my arms out to the side. "So she does remember I exist. Thank you."

"She said you were dead." Err-

...

"Well, yeah... I mean, technically aren't we all?"

William glares at me. "She starts raving about Miss Edith saying you were gone and how the sunshine was coming back almost as soon as we got to Brazil. I remember that clearly because thats when things all started going wrong. This is your fault!" Attempting to punch me, William slams into the invisible barrier at the threshold. "Bloody hell. You've got a threshold on your house?"

"Oh right, yeah." I sigh. "I'd invite you in but I haven't had much luck with that yet." And damn, what a pain is the ass that discovery was. Having Amy come down to the lab so she could individually invite in each test subject as I dragged them up out of the caves was such a kink in the logistics.

...Now is not the time for ruminating.

I beckon him in, and then shrug exaggeratedly as the barrier continues to stubbornly refuse him entry. Fortunately he seems to find this more entertaining than angering.

Pulling out my watch, I note that Amy won't be back from her shopping trip with Harmony for a few more hours. Faith won't be back from Mrs. Post's latest spelunking efforts until even later than that.

...

Then again, since she's still insisting on continuing to look for the glove... it'll also be a number of hours before Buffy comes home.

"Tell you what, since I'm not really sure what to say about you and Mother breaking up... And I certainly don't know what to tell you about Miss Edith being so incomprehensibly wrong, why don't we go visit Joyce? She's much better at relationship stuff than I am."

"The Slayer's mum?"

"Yeah."

He nods. "Always liked her. Got spirit."

"Didn't she hit you with a fire axe?"

"Exactly." He nods with a small grin on his face.

...

I suddenly suspect Mother isn't the only member of our family not playing with a full deck.


---Summers Residence: Saturday Evening---

Dawn answers the door. "Who're you- ...Spike!?"

...

I blink. I don't know what I was expecting, but Michelle Trachtenberg looking like her season five self, but in Faith's clothing and knowing 'Spike' by sight... was not it.

Well, crap. It occurs to me that now I really have no idea what the supposed history is here.

"Ello Platlet." Nicknames are a good sign right?

"Didn't Buffy make you go away?" ...huh. She sounds annoyed... but at Buffy? or Us?

William grins beside me. "I do what I please." Dawn smiles back at him. Alright then. Annoyed at Buffy. I can understand that. It's like my default state after all.

But still... What the hell is going on here?

Joyce walks into view from kitchen. "Who is it, Daw- Oh. Hello, Jack." She looks at William with a puzzled expression. "...Have we met?"

"Um... you hit me with an ax one time. Remember?" He begins pantomiming.

... This is season 2 material. What the hell!?

Cutting my brother off before he can get any further with a hand on his shoulder, I smile at Joyce. "This is my brother, William-"

Dawn giggles as William lets out an indignant, "Oi!"

I roll my eyes. "Fine... My brother, Spike." I make sure to push just how silly I think that is into my voice. Dawn at least seems amused at our antics. "He had a nasty break up and I was hoping we might trouble you for some hot cocoa and some of your maternal wisdom?" That last one gets an amused smile out of her. A teenager willingly admitting an adult might know something worthwhile? Perish the thought.

Even while still somewhat drunk, William manages to focus on the important things in life. "Hot Cocoa? With the little marshmallows?" It's almost disturbing how much happier the idea seems to make him. Moping the entire way here, and it's the little marshmallows that drag him out of his funk.

Dawn rolls her eyes at us, but then stops giggling and stares at me funny while her mom gives us the closest thing to an invitation a Sunnydale resident can manage. I hang back while William and Joyce head into the kitchen to hunt down those ever elusive tiny marshmallows. "Is there something on my face?"

She huffs grumpily at me. "So... you're Jack? As in Faith's brother?"

"...Yes."

"Then I'm mad at you." Rather than sounding angry she says like it's the simplest and most reasonable thing in the world. Do they teach girls that in school or something?

...

"How can you be mad at me? We've never even met before." Talk about starting a research project off on the wrong foot.

"Exactly!"

...

I open and close my mouth a few times but nothing productive to say occurs to me.

...

Hands on her hips Dawn glares at me. "My birthday...? You were supposed to be here..?"

I'm not sure how to respond to that, but I'm fairly certain that admitting I have no idea when her birthday was, or why I should have been there, would be the wrong answer. If my Saturday morning cartoons are to be believed, I suspect somewhere up on high there's a bunch of dead monks looking down from their clouds and laughing their asses off at me.
 
Part 36 – Activating Collision Detection System
---Summer's Residence : Saturday Evening---

I sip my hot cocoa and lament the length of Joyce's dining room table. Sitting on the long side makes it exceptionally difficult to surreptitiously observe Dawn whilst pretending I'm watching my Brother and Joyce play out their canon conversation.

"So I happen to walk by, and she's making out with a Chaos Demon! And I said, you know, I don't have to put up with this, and she said, fine, and I said, fine, do whatever you want! I thought we'd make up, you know..." my Brother rambles. I think the most disturbing thing is that he's quoting his canon lines word for word. Mother's actions made no sense in the show, but now that I know that she knew what's coming... they make even less than no sense.

"Well, she sounds very unreasonable." Joyce responding identically to his story makes sense. Boring, but makes sense.

Finally yielding to boredom and my own idle curiosity I quietly scoot my chair down Dawn's way and lean over to whisper at her. "So, how did you meet William anyway."

"Who?" She grins at me. Oh, I see how it is.

"...Spike."

"What about Spike?" Really Dawn? We're going to play this game?

Joyce's voice fills the silence I leave as I glare at Dawn's smirking face. "...their lives just take different paths. When Buffy's father and I started having trouble..."

"How did you meet Spike?" I huff.

"He..." Dawn pauses, choking up a bit. "He saved me from Angel."

Huh. I guess that would make sense. A pretty little 13 year old girl? No way Gramps would have passed up that opportunity.

"But this is different! Our love was eternal! Literally!" William sets his mug of cocoa down with a wistful sigh. The smell of the whiskey he added to his cocoa is strong enough I'm surprised Joyce hasn't said anything. "I'm going to go pour another cuppa. Anyone else for one?" Impressively he manages to stand up with only the slightest swaying on his feet. I doubt I'd catch it if I wasn't looking for it.

"Oh! Me please!" Dawn knocks back the remainder of her own and holds it out to him.

While William heads off into the kitchen with to refill his and Dawn's mugs, and likely dump in the other half of the bag of little marshmallows, Joyce smiles at me. "I don't think you ever mentioned having an older brother. He seems very nice..." Joyce takes a sip of her cocoa, and glances at Dawn with mischief in her eyes. "...I can definitely see why Dawn was so smitten with him for months."

"MOM!" I laugh at Dawn's outraged yelp.

"Yeah. He's a good-"

William's affronted response cuts me off from the kitchen. "Oi! Right insulting that is! Big Bad's a- Ooh, the marshmallows!"

Releasing the breath I was holding mostly by habit when William started his traditional rant, I wait for Dawn's giggles to quiet down a bit before continuing.

"I haven't actually seen him in years." Gods, it really has been forever since I watched the show. Shrugging, I scratch the back of my head. "I didn't even know he was in town until he showed up on my doorstep. I'm probably just as guilty in that regard as he is, I never really tried to reach out..." I probably should have. Though I'm not sure really sure how to address a letter to 'a Vampire somewhere in Brazil.' Sighing, I refocus on the conversation at hand. "...I've been a bit fixated on getting Faith settled in and everything lately."

"And how is Faith doing? I hear she and my daughter are-"

"Moooom! That's cheating."

"Excuse me?" Joyce asks while I add my own confused look in Dawn's direction.

"You're trying to get him to tell you about Buffy! And you're using my friend to do it."

I raise an eyebrow at that one. "So now we're friends? I tho-"

"Not you... Faith, duh! I'm still mad at you."

Oh right. That nonexistent birthday party I allegedly failed to attend. Also explains the shirt. I snort, before grinning at Joyce. "It seems we'll just have to talk about you and Giles instead of-"

"SO! Buffy and Faith. What're they up to?"

Laughing at the horror in Dawn's voice, I start to explain. "Mrs. Post still has them searching the caves-"

There's a loud crash to my left. My first thought, before I actually look, is that the whiskey William's obviously been adding to his cocoa got the better of him. Then my family radar kicks up another hit and Joyce screams, "Oh my God. Get away from here!"

Oh... Gods Damn It, Angel. Dawn lets out a terrified scream and I'm on my feet and between her and Angel before I really even process what I'm doing. Ah well. Unintentional or not, Joyce will probably appreciate the gesture. I doubt however that she'll appreciate that in doing so, I sent the dining table toppling over. There's a loud snapping crunch and thud as it crashes to the floor, breaking the chair William was sitting in along the way.

"Joyce, listen to me." Seeing Angel look and sound so fucking horrified while he's stuck outside the house is pretty damned amusing. I can properly appreciate why William found it so entertaining in canon now.

Feeling Dawn's shaking hands digging into my sides in a panicked grip, I join the mounting verbal fray. "Fuck off, Angel! You're scaring Dawn." I think I even manage to sound properly angry instead of amused.

"Joyce, you can't trust them, they're vampires. You have to Invite me in!" Yeah, not going to happen, Angel. I can hear Joyce trying to comfort Dawn behind me. Something about him not being able to get to her again.

"Angel! You can't be here! You're scaring my sister." Buffy shouts-

...

Buggerfuck! When did Buffy get here? Gods Damn It, I forgot how weak the signal her terrible Vamp-dar puts out is. This suddenly just stopped being funny.

Hearing Faith join Joyce in trying to calm Dawn I start running my options. Depressingly, I'm fairly certain that Faith would not back me up in a direct fight with Buffy. I doubt she'd help Buffy either but that still leaves us with a 2 vs. 2 match, and my back up is drunkenly filling hot cocoa mugs in the kitchen.

Giles' voice asking if everything is all right somewhere in the house is just the fucking icing on the cake.

Fortunately Buffy's expression seems to be in agreement with me that Giles presence is not a good thing. "You have to go!" She yells at Angel. Okay, maybe I can salvage-

"Buffy! You have to invite me in! Jack is a vampire." Are you fucking serious!? After all the work I put into-

"No he isn't. He just smells like one." I resist the urge to smirk at Buffy's answer. Apparently that work wasn't entirely useless. "Oz thought so too at first-"

"No you don't understand, Buffy. I helped Dru turn him and then we buried him behind the mansion."

...

Oh come on! I start rapidly cycling through fallback plans. I'm fairly certain that Angel just buggered most of the ones early in the alpha... bet...

The full import of what Angel just said finally clicks. Grandfather knew I was in the ground behind the mansion. He tried to end the world while I was in the process of being born. He tried to kill me. Before I even had a chance to... anything.

"YOU MEAN YOU KNEW!?" My fangs slide out as my world starts tinting red with rage. Grandfather turns to dodge as I swing at his face. I manage to clip his shoulder, and feel the satisfying crunch of bones snapping as he goes spinning backward to the ground. My world continuing to descend into a red haze, I stalk forward. Let's see how much grandfather likes being the helpless one.

...

The red tinting to my vision starts receding as Faith's face replaces it. "NO!" She screams from an inch away from where she's pulled my face down to. Something is wrong. I've only seen her look this upset twice before. "You are not a mistake." Her voice cracks a bit. "WE ARE NOT MISTAKES!"

...Breathe in. Breathe out.

Coming back to myself I note that Faith hasn't actually pulled my head down, but rather is holding onto my head and lifting herself up.

...Breathe in. Breathe out.

Hugging Faith, I lower her down to the ground where she latches on to me in return. While I wait for her to release me I take stock.

My neck is not that strong. I must have triggered the orbs at some point. The little countdown timer running backwards in my head confirms it. I suppose the fact that they get triggered by anger is a good thing. Maybe.

I have no idea how long I have before my new toy kicks into recharge mode automatically, leaving me vulnerable and draining away my blood supply. I toggle it off to save its battery, grimacing slightly at the additional drain this places on me. I'll be absolutely ravenous later on tonight, but at least this is a countdown timer I have some practice reading.

I don't even actually know what happened for a bit there. I appear to be outside now. I'm holding what looks like a broken piece of Joyce's back door in my hand. At my feet, Angel looks- No. Warden Liam looks like I broke the door on him. The Prisoner can go fuck himself with a rusty melon baller.

Given Faith's response, I must have been shouting something beyond just obscenities while doing that breaking. Something Family related from the sound of her response.

...

Right then. Nothing for it. I'll have to assume I may have accidentally confirmed his story. Operation 'Aliens did it' is now live. Gods Damn It, that one relied on so much improv work it didn't even get a letter.

Faith's grip loosens and I follow suit. "Thank you, Faith. I needed that." She takes a step back and nods at me.

Debating just leaving my fangs out, I decide there's nothing to be gained from being any more confrontational about this than I absolutely need to be. Pulling them back in, I turn to head back into the house with Faith a half step behind me.

...

I immediately suspect my initial assessments and planning may have neglected to account for a number of things. Such as the silent madhouse I walk back into for instance. I probably should have been suspicious when I didn't hear any fighting. Getting out of here without having to carry my Brother home as a jar of ashes is clearly going to be an... adventure in and of itself.

William is backed up against the wall by the doorway to the kitchen.

Buffy has her stake out, raised to strike out at what would be my Brother's heart were Dawn not between them.

Dawn is glaring at her sister with a thunderous expression on her face. That feeling of being a step behind and missing critical information amps itself up another notch.

Their standoff has left Xander and Giles bottlenecked at the doorway to the living room, horrified expressions aimed at Dawn. Judging mostly by hair colors, I think it's Willow and Cordelia I see behind them trying to get a look at what's going on.

William of course looks to enjoying himself at least much as he did in canon. Drunkenly making faces at Buffy from behind Dawn instead of at Grand- Liam... from behind Joyce.

Well... Okay. They've obviously all been rather busy. It's possible no one noticed my little break from reality. Maybe this is salvageable.

"Dawn, are you okay?" I'm not really sure why I open with that question, but it feels right.

Whatever impasse they were at breaks with my question. The sudden cacophony of shouting overwhelms even my augmented hearing.

"Right then. Faith, we're leaving." Keeping my eyes on Buffy I take a step over to Joyce, looking confused off to the side of the fustercluck. Once I'm close enough that I think she'll stand a chance of hearing me. "I'm sorry abo-" Buffy, apparently deciding my motion was hostile, lunges at me and buries Mr. Pointy in my chest. She's distressingly good at her one trick. Even if I'd tried to, I'm not sure I'd have been able to move fast enough to stop her. Urgh. I can feel the tiny subwoofer in my chest short out.

Silence falls on the kitchen just in time for twin cries of outrage. My own, "REALLY!? AGAIN!?" Gods Damn It! I JUST replaced that thing.

And Dawn's "Gawd, Buffy! Psycho Much!?" I think I like this Dawn. She may even be one of my favorite people right now. Her outrage on my behalf is just too amusing for words. I just wish I knew why. I hate how obviously I'm missing something important here.

A half beat behind us, William's shocked cry of, "Bloody 'ell, mate." Reminds me that I now have even more explaining to do.

Buffy fortunately still seems to have been knocked off balance from my failure to dust. I really don't want to contemplate what happens when she or Giles start trying to be creative.

Faith, long since inured to my surviving such injuries during crossbow practice, just stands in the door way and laughs. Thanks, Sis. You're being so helpful right now.

...

I suspect Buffy and I may both feel that way right now.

Keeping my voice as calm and level as I can, I resume speaking. "Right. So. As I was saying..." Giving a theatric sigh is painful with a stake in my chest, but I manage it. I think leaving it there does a wonderful job of painting me as the reasonable party here, and honestly, I'll take all the help I can get with that at this point. "Joyce, thank you for the cocoa. I'm sorry about your door and chair. I'll pay for the replacements, but my family and I are leaving, for obvious reasons." I glance back at Buffy with no attempt at sublety.

"You can't honestly believe we'll just let you walk away." Damn. It seems Giles may have been paying attention after all.

"Okay, I'm confused again..." you and me both, Joyce. You and me both.

"You're a Vampire?" Xander sounds confused and betrayed, but fortunately not certain. Maybe I can-

"You mean you all didn't know?" Joyce asks.

... The whole room just pauses for a half second as we all process the utter absurdity of that utterance.

"What!?" Joining Buffy and her crew in that surround sound shout is a surreal experience, even for me. I'd probably appreciate it more if I weren't distracted by the buggerfucking insane implications of Joyce's question.

As the now startled Joyce looks around, the fact that no one is really watching him at the moment finally penetrates the alcohol marinating my Brother's brain. William starts slowly sliding towards the back door.

Buffy notices before he gets more than 2 steps, but, likely due to being unwilling to leave me alone next to her mother, opts to gives Faith a look rather than attack him. Faith... looks to Dawn who nods? "Sorry B, I'm with the Dawnstah on this one." WHAT THE HELL DOES EVERYONE ELSE BUT ME REMEMBER!?

The urge to start banging my head against the wall is rising. "Look. You all obviously-"

"You're a Vampire!?" Xander's broken record circles around again.

"...You lied to us!" I think that was Cordelia's voice from the living room.

"HEY! I have NEVER lied to you!" The anger tingeing my voice entirely genuine. I have put an obscene amount of effort into not lying to you people.

"Really, Mr. I'm just a half Demon?" Buffy asks, anger and disbelief written on her face, before returning to trying to watch both William and I at the same time.

Giles picks up the questioning baton. "Yes, quite. What, exactly, would you call your request for my help identifying your father's species?" Finally! Something I can work with.

"That's what fucking bothers you!? I remember going to sleep in Boston, having some fucking bizarre dreams of being carried somewhere, and then waking up 3000 miles away in California! With Drusilla The Mad practically on top of me, calling me her ALIEN moments later! Next thing I know I'm clawing my way out of a fucking coffin. I go to school, in the DAYLIGHT. I can juggle crosses, and this-" I gesture to the stake in my heart. "Is only annoying because the last time it happened it was fucking weeks before I got a heartbeat going again." Pausing to rip Mr. Pointy out of my chest, I glare at Buffy. "I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking. So excuse me for wondering if MAYBE," I start toggling the orbs on and then quickly off again to make the faint purple light it produces pulse. "JUST MAYBE, the fucking psychic pre-cog that called my father an alien was fucking on to something. And that just maybe that was why I was born a fucking freak of un-nature that wanted to help you people save the world. But you know what?" I start to amp up the frequency of the orb toggles along with my volume. "You lot can all take your genocidal racism AND GO TO FUCKING HADES!" I snap the orbs back on one last time just in case someone tries to stab me in the back, spin around, and march towards the door, grabbing William and Faith along the way and carrying them out the door.

I suddenly regret my apparent choice to use a door as a weapon, since it denies me the closure of slamming it behind me.
 
Interlude 11A – It's My Birthday, and I'll ... KABOOM!
***Amy POV***

---Winters Residence : Tuesday Night---

I drag the last hamper into the laundry room.

The laundry I had sorted out into piles by color is of course all dumped on the floor in the middle of the room.

"Seriously!? Again? You're worse than Red."

Jack looks up at me from where he's lying buried in the pile of dirty laundry with an affronted expression.

"Hey, Cat and I reached an agreement. I get any piles of dirty laundry, it gets any piles of warm clean laundry. You and Faith of course get your laundry back once it's neither covered in your scent nor warm." Oh yes. Of course.

"Why is this even still necessary? Oz doesn't even look at you funny anymore." I'm still not convinced he ever was aside from that one night back at Ms. Bellevue's.

"True, but he only stopped looking at me funny when I started doing this. Might be coincidence, but I think not. Now that you mention it though, he's started giving me a new kind of weird look lately and I'm not really sure what's up with that yet. I'm certainly not stopping before he does."

"Fine... but is it really necessary to do it while I'm trying to do the laundry?" I do the laundry every Tuesday. You know that.

"Hey, you're the one who insisted I needed to shower." Excuse me Mr. Crazy Vampire?

"Yeah, No! Common decency was the one that insisted on that. You wore a dead demon as a suit, you needed that shower!"

"I'm not saying I didn't. I'm just saying that you played a role in our arrival at this moment."

...

Why am I arguing with a crazy person? "FAITH!"

Rapid footsteps precede her arrival seconds later. "What's wro- oh." She rolls her eyes. "I've got it."

Ignoring his halfhearted protests, Faith scoops the obnoxious one up off the pile of laundry and carries him away.

Waving goodbye, I set about sorting the laundry by colors for the second time today.


---Winters Residence : Wednesday Evening---

"Am I a terrible person?"

"What the shit, Ames. Why would you say that?"

"You know how I had dinner with my dad tonight? He just seems... so much happier than when I was living with him."

Faith waggles her eyebrows at me. "Well, he is gettin laid all the time now right? That'll-"

"Faith! NO!" I fight back the urge to vomit. "That's my dad you're talking about. I do not need those mental images."

"Just sayin, I don't think it has anythin to do with you. Unless this new girlfriend of his is a screamah and-"

I throw my hands over my ears. "LALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Making sure Faith's lips have stopped moving I take my hands off my head.

"Anyway, you've gotta get dressed for tonight right? Jack's little birthday surprise for just the two of you?"

"Yup. Has he told you what's going on?"

Faith smirks at me but shakes her head no. "I've got your present though. You can open it when you get there."

Taking the shoebox sized gift, I give it a little shake and can hear things rattling around inside. Faith just grins at me so it can't be anything fragile.


--- An Hour's drive into the Desert ---

"Now can you tell me what we're doing?"

"I figured we'd make a camp fire, roast some marshmallows for S'mores, and then..." I raise my eyebrow as he pauses. "I have a couple kilos worth of plastic explosives and remote detonators for you to blow stuff up with."

...

"AWESOME! Screw the S'mores, let's make with the KABOOM! already."

Jack laughs. "Okay, I brought along a bunch of things for you to destroy too. Grab the box on the left and pick out what you want to start with and I'll start wiring up the first charge."


---Many KABOOM!s later---

"And now for the pièce de résistance." Jack takes my mom's old cheerleading trophy out of a box.

"Oh Goddess, I hate that thing. It's so creepy. I always feel like it's watching me."

"Oh. Yeah, your mom trapped herself in it, so it probably is."

"WHAT!?"

"Now, given what we've seen one-tenth to one-half kilos do... I was thinking a whole kilo ought to be a good bet for reducing her to constituent parts."

"What if she gets loose!?"

Jack just smiles. "That's why I'm going use ten. Also, you'll have this." He pulls a pistol out from behind his back and hands it to me.

"You know I don't like-"

"It's a tranq gun." He cuts me off as he resumes pulling stuff out of the truck. "There shouldn't be nearly as much recoil, so your wrists will be okay. If not, we have green goop in the emergency kits. Besides, that's just in case we somehow get separated." He pulls out the AK-47 he 'found' in Budapest. "If it looks like she's gotten loose I'll just go ahead and empty an entire clip into her."

"You're sure nothing bad will happen?"

"As sure as I can be, and I take your safety very seriously." Yeah yeah, I know, can't have your witch malfunctioning again. "After all you're my Amy."

"Of course you c- Wait what? What happened to me being your witch?"

"Don't be ridiculous." He mock-glares at me. "How can you possibly think I would ever say anything as insulting as that!? Witches are totally replaceable, but there's only one of you."

...

I... choose to ignore how ridiculous that statement is in favor of enjoying the moment.

"So, what do you say? You up for putting that chapter of your life behind you?"


---Later that night---

"And the first S'more of the night goes to the birthday girl."

As I'm taking the S'more Jack just made me, I remember I still have Faith's present in the truck.

"Hang on a moment!" Shoving the S'more in mouth so I can't drop it, I run back to the truck and grab the box.

"What have you got there?"

"Faith's present." I try to say around my mouthful of chocolate and marshmallowy goodness.

Jack appears to get it, he nods and goes back to roasting his own marshmallow. I note that he's still keeping that tub full of water nearby while doing so, even with the extra long metal skewers.

Swallowing, I start ripping off the wrapping paper. It is a shoebox. I really doubt Faith would get me shoes though. Harmony would, sure, but not Faith.

Popping open the shoebox with it aimed away from me in case there's a spring mounted prank turns out to be a mistake. Jack looks over and sees the contents, bursting into laughter before I check and find an economy sized pack of condoms and a vial of... is that blood?

"Oh, Goddess! Why, Faith, why!?"

Jack leans over and looks in the box again. "Maybe she explains in the card?"

What card? I check the box. There's a little note card with Faith's handwriting on it.

'Wanted you to have fun. Not ready to be Aunty Faith yet though, so remember to use BOTH parts.'

"Did you two plan this?"

"Plan what?" Jack's confusion sounds genuine, and he's not doing any of the little things he does when messing with Buffy.

"Never mind." I glare down at the note card, fighting back a smile. At Jack's eyebrow raised look I elaborate. "Faith seems to have embraced your arbitrary definition of family."

"HEY! What do you mean arbitrary!?"


---Winters Residence : Thursday Evening---

The lock box Jack and I have been working on opening for weeks finally unlocks with a super satisfying hum.

Well look at that. I did it. I guess the fact that I opened this magical lock means that these books on arcane theory were just far too complicated for me to understand, huh, Mrs. Post? After all I'm just some little girl. Suck it, Mrs. Post I'd like to see you manage to get one of these damned things open.

Okay. So I might have issues with people invading my library and telling me I can't understand my own books. Maybe.

Now, let's have a look at what Jack wanted so badly. Erm... Two little red crystal balls with gold engravings? The hell are these for?

Hmmm... I wonder if- Oh, shit! I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to The Bronze with Harmony.

I race out of the map room and up the stairs to start getting ready.

The wards tell me that Harmony is of course here right on time moments before she pokes her head into my room. "Amy!? You ready to go?"

"Almost. Just give me a minute." Harmony sighs impatiently at me. "Yes, yes, I know, you want to get there early to see-" I suddenly can't remember the name of the band she's so excited about. "Oh hey! You should go check out the magic jewels in that box thing Jack and I were trying to get open."

"You two got it open?"

"I got it open. By myself, thank you very much. Jack has been dicking around down in the lab since Faith and Buffy started their spelunking run. But you should go take a look while I get ready."

"Okay, but you better be ready soon."

"I will. I will. Promise." Harmony huffs, but leaves my doorway to head downstairs.

She returns a second later. "And you should wear that dress I bought you for your birthday."

...

Sigh.


---Harmony's Car : Saturday Evening---

"Okay, Eric, I'll tell him. Bye." I hang up the phone.

Harmony glances over from the driver's seat. "Who was that?"

"That was one of Jack's umpteen billion projects needing more money. Apparently some sort of bank servers thing broke down." So far, Jack's plan to make us a lot of money is just expensive.

"Oh... Eric's one of those Google people right?"

"Yeah... I don't- Hey!" I point at the people fighting on the sidewalk "Is that Jack and Faith?"

Harmony looks over at them for a moment. "I think so?"

We look at each other for a moment before saying in unison, "Pull over."

As the car comes to a stop, I can begin to make out words in their apparent argument.

The blonde guy in a trench coat looks to be drunkenly trying to take a swing at an annoyed looking Faith while Jack stands between them, struggling to hold them apart. "You take that back! Dru's not crazy!"

"Oh come on, William, even ignoring her love of... extreme S&M... you have to admit that she's a bit off her-" Jack sounds as exasperated as he looks.

"You shut up! She's just playful is all."

"Miss Edith would say otherwise. If Mother isn't a bit off, Miss Edith would... have... to... be... oh. SON OF A FUCK!"

Jack flashes purple and both Faith and the blonde guy stagger back a bit. That's... definitely a new one for my wall of weird things Jack does.

Harmony doesn't seem overly phased by it as she and I climb out of the car. "Hey, guys! What's going on?"

Finally noticing us, the three stooges all turn and look at Harmony and I. Jack's shirt has a large bloody hole in it over his heart. "What happened!?"

After a brief moment of silence Jack finally responds. "That's... a rather long story... it all starts with William here being told the most insane thing ever down at Willy's bar..."

...Why is Jack glaring at me?
 
Interlude 11B - Spike Interupted
***Spike POV***

---Willy's Bar : Saturday just after Sunset---

Sitting down at Willy's bar, I order a pint of A neg with a shot of whiskey in it.

Willy knows better than to try and cut my blood with that orangutan crap he serves the fledges but I give the drink a sniff first anyway just in case he's turned suicidal while I've been gone.

"What brings you back to Sunnydale?" he asks me nervously. Ah... Home sweet home. It's good to be Big Bad.

"I'm looking for a witch. Need a spell cast for me." I tell him.

This loose-skinned demon sitting next to me buts in. "You could ask Little Madison over at the old Delta Zeta Kappa house on Crestwood."

I magnanimously elect to forgive the intrusion into the private chat cause he's being all helpful like. Turning so I can face both of them I ask, "She any good?"

Willy shrugs-


---Roadside : Saturday Night---

"Excuse me!?" The taller of the two blonde birds from the car interrupts me.

"...What? S'what he did."

"He shrugged!?"

"Yeah, so? Who's telling this story anyway, you or me?"

"William-"

"Now don't you start that again, Alien Boy. It's Spike!" Only Dru gets to call me William. Will again too if Alien Boy's plan works.

He rubs his face, looking annoyed but there's no purple flashes. "Fine. Spike... meet Amy Madison and Harmony. Amy, Harmony, meet my brother Spike." I shake my head, It's still strange hearing him use Dru's logic with adult words. Always wanted a family my Dru did, seems she went and started making one for us before she decided I wasn't demon enough for her. "He was just telling us all about how the man the demon community calls 'the snitch' knows about your magic."

Putting on the grin that those Irish triplets loved so much I come back to the conversation at hand. "You the witch that did the fireproofing on Willy's bar then?"

"I might be the witch that reverses it too if Willy didn't do more than shrug at you." Crazy bint suddenly has fire swirling around in her hand. I keep a close eye on it until it peters out in her clenched fist. Alien boy keeps strange company, hanging out with humans. Fire magic using ones at that.

"Can we just get back to the story?" The shorter blonde smiles at me. She's kind of fit enough looking. Haven't had a woman since Dru and I split...

"...Harmony, was it?" She smiles.

"Spike... focus..." My newborn brother pokes me on the shoulder. I'd take offense, but I 'spect Dru'd be plenty cross me with me if I dusted the Alien. Telling her he's still alive is part of the plan after all, and Dru always knows when I'm lying.

"Right then. Where was I?"

"You went to find Amy here."

"Right. So I found the Alien Wonder instead." I point at the walking purple lightshow himself. "He tells me the Slayer is down in some caves tonight and won't be around to bother us if we go say hello to her mum. Wonderful lady Joyce is, makes the best cocoa. But it bloody well didn't turn out that way did it?"


---Summer's Residence Kitchen : Saturday Evening---

"... Ooh the marshmallows." I head back over to the counter to grab them.

I suspect I may have had enough of the hooch if I'm forgetting important things like that.

Dumping the marshmallows into the cocoa, but skipping adding any more whiskey just yet, I turn to head back into the dining room as a loud crash echoes through the house.

"What the bloody hell is going on out here?" I almost walk right into... Slayer. She's standing there looking all panicked to see Big Bad.

I spot Captain Forehead standing in the doorway, terrorizing The Bit who's hiding behind Dru's newest spawn.

He's yelling something at The Grandsire, while Joyce tries to calm her down. Not too sure what they think a fledge is going to do to stop a master vampire.

I hear the whelp start yammering in the other room.

Eh... is he supposed to be purple like that?

Oh! Yes! Break his skull! I've always wanted to do that! Wait... How the- The bloody hell did Dru do? She can't have meant alien literally did she?

Movement. Slayer's stake comes at me, I dodge left, and then I would have had her but the whiskey gets the better of me and I hit the wall.

Bit's in front of me yelling at big sis to leave me alone cause I saved her.

...

I remember doing that.

Not too sure why I bothered though. Seems odd.

Oh right! The angry look on The Great Poof's face. Didn't like being interrupted did he?

So then then Alien Boy walks back in-


---Roadside : Saturday Night---

"Yerr terrible at this whole story tellin thing ain'tcha?" The psycho bint Alien Boy says is our sister... or was that just his sister? They sound alike. Her being another alien would explain a few things. That or his thinking's even more free than Dru's and he hasn't noticed she's not a vamp. Hard to say with this one, bit of an odd duck either way.

"...Well maybe if you lot didn't keep interrup-"

"I think you mean maybe if you weren't hammered the entire time." Dru's Alien accuses me. Me!

"I was not drunk!"

"You just said that you'd had so much to drink that you forgot about the tiny marshmallows!" A purple flash accompanies that one. Might be time to cut my losses, leastwise until I can get Dru to explain just what the bloody hell it is she made here.

"Oh, shut up. Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"

"I want to know what Dawn said that left the room so frozen with horror when I walked in."

...

"Don't remember. Something about The Poof trying to take her though."

"No way!" Alien's sister shouts in my ear.

"What do you mean no way? S'what happened."

"Dawnsteh does not talk about that. She just... doesn't. Won't even tell me what happened. Not for anythin."

"Right, well, shocked the lot of them white hats when she did, didn't it?"

"And... are you sayin you saved her because you thought it'd be funny?"

"Course not! She's the Niblet, got to keep her safe don't I?" Or did I decide that afterwards? Not important. "Joyce would have a fit, anything happened to her like that. So. I was saying..."


--- Summer's Residence Dining Room : Saturday Evening ---

Dru's Alien walks back into the house with the brunette that rode him out the door in tow.

He asks Platelet if she's alright.

The peanut gallery explodes. Everyone starts shouting. I think they're giving me a headache on purpose.

Bit nods after a moment though. The important part that is.

Slayer stakes my new brother-


---Roadside : Saturday Night---

"REALLY!? AGAIN!?" Flame gal sounds incensed again.

"That's exactly what I said!"

"Will you people bloody well stop interrupting me already!?"

...

"Right then. So the Slayer staking him is when I realized Dru might be onto something with the Alien nonsense. No fledge is going to survive a proper staking like that less his heart's not right. Bit though, she goes off on Big Sis. Then Captain Purple here, he throws a hissy fit when they start calling him names. So then we leave rather than get any more blood on Joyce's floor. Blighter didn't even let me have a proper go at mocking the broken poof, just dragged us on past him."

"I'm not letting you dust him. Just because I'm no longer speakin- Hey! It was not a hissy fit! Buffy fucking staked me! Again! And then her friends are all pissed off at me for NOT DUSTING! URGH... I suppose I'll add a carpet cleaning to the bill-"

"Why are we paying for a mess Buffy made? ...Again?" Fire-Happy the witch asks.

"...well I may have lost my shit on... Angel... and beaten him well past senseless with Joyce's back door. She'll probably need a new frame too."

"So... wait. Why were you guys all fighting on the sidewalk?" The pretty blonde one asks.

I point at the brunette... Faith was it? "This one here called Dru crazy. S'not crazy, just playful!"

"You said you were gonna go torture her into lovin you!" Course I am.

"So? S'what she likes." Brilliant plan really.

"See! She's crazy!" I go to get her for that but I can't seem to walk forwards after the first step.

"Now don't you two start that again." Dru's Alien glares at us. What's he doing so I can't move? Oh.

Witch girl has me floating just off the ground. Bloody cheating that is. "Well... that answers my question about whether vampire lines share a family resemblance." She says before putting me back down.

"Hey!" the three of us shout in unison. Not sure what they have to complain about. I'm the bloke was just compared to a pair of loony bin escapees.

"Oh, Goddess. Let's just go home and grab his Christmas present already. Thanksgiving is going to be so awkward now."

...

"Christmas present?"

"Thanksgiving!?"
 
Interlude 11C – Where Did I Go Wrong
***Joyce POV***

---Summers Residence : Tuesday of the Previous Week (happens during 33)---

"I don't know, Hank. Maybe because she's our only child and she wants to see you! Lord only knows why, because I certainly don't. But you go right ahead and enjoy your time in Madrid with your secretary!" I slam the phone down onto the hook.

Leaning against the kitchen counter I try to decide how I'm going to break it to Buffy that her father won't be joining us for Thanksgiving this year.

I open a box of the chocolate Buffy had to sell for the School Band and munch on it to settle my nerves. Chocolate makes everything better.

Maybe if I invite all her friends over she won't have time to be upset about it? Of course, that's assuming they don't have Thanksgiving with their own families.

Xander is a safe bet there. Only... no, he might be having dinner with Cordelia's family this year.

...

It's too bad whatever Jack's half-something side is makes him unable to use a phone. I could invite his whole little family over for dinner. I'll have to ask him the next time he stops by for lunch.

Even if she and Jack aren't best of friends, I'm sure Buffy would love to spend more time with Faith. And it's just so nice knowing she isn't out there alone.

I pause to collect my thoughts.

Hmmm... "Dawn, honey, could you come down here for a moment?" I yell up the stairs.

Instead of coming down, my youngest daughter just yells back from her room. "What is it, Mom?"

Sighing, I head up the stairs to her rather than yelling through the house like a bunch of hooligans. Where did I go wrong that a little manners are too much to ask for?

"Do you know Faith's phone number? I was hoping to invite them all over for Thanksgiving this year." That they all have their own of those mobile phone devices still seems excessive to me, but you can't fault it for convenience.

Dawn sags slightly. "... Dad's not coming is he..?"

"Oh, Honey, it's okay... You know your father loves you very much, he's just busy with work."

"Sure, Mom." She grabs a piece of paper and scribbles down a number. "This is Faith's phone number... uh... you should probably call Ames though. She's their version of 'Mom' and runs their calendar I think." My youngest smirks up at me on the mom comment and scribbles down another phone number.

I pull her into a hug when she tries to hand me the paper. "You sure you're alright, Sweetie?"

"Yes, Mom. Five by Five."

"What does that even mean?"

"...I dunno. Like, everything's good, maybe?" She shrugs. "Faith says it a lot. I think she said her favorite step-dad liked... radios..? before he died, so it's probably a radio thing."

That girl... has been through far too much in her short life. I'm so glad she and her brother found each other. Now if only I could get her to take after Dawn in clothing tastes instead of the other way around.

Walking back down the stairs, I start dialing the number for Amy's cell phone.

...

Can vampires even eat turkey..? I'm certain I've seen Jack eat normal foods. I'm sure it'll be fine.

"Hello? Is this Amy? It's Joyce Summers."

"Hi, Mrs. Summers. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you and your... housemates... would like to come to Thanksgiving this year?" It still seems strange to me that those children all live on their own. I can't help but disagree with Mr. Madison on that. Jack's a nice young man and all, but I don't know that I'd call him a proper parental figure. They do seem to have everything well put together though. "Dawn thought you'd be the best one to ask."

"Oh! That sounds great. I'll ask Jack if he ever gets back here. Can you believe he got himself lost in Czechoslovakia? Actually, you know what? Never mind. I'll tell Jack that we are joining you for Thanksgiving when he gets back." That's right, I forgot they were in Europe this week.

She sounds annoyed about it too. "Oh my. What happened?" Finishing a third bar of chocolate I settle in for what sounds like some absolutely wonderful gossip.

...I wonder what Rupert's up to?


---Summers Residence : Saturday Evening---

William heads off into the kitchen to refill his and Dawn's mugs. Such a gentleman, offering to help out like that.

I turn to Jack who's been entertaining said youngest daughter while I have grownup talk. "I don't think you ever mentioned having an older brother." If Dawn hadn't called him Spike I never even would have known it was the same man who featured in her fanciful stories of daring rescue. "He seems very nice..." And I do so love that accent, I have to remind myself that he's actually far older than I am. "...I can definitely see why Dawn was so smitten with him for months." I tease, mostly. Though honestly, if expressing an interest is enough to stop my youngest from repeating my eldest's mistakes than why not? Of course his being the one to save my little girl may have something to do with my thinking.

"MOM!" Dawn yells, her voice full of teenaged outrage.

"Yeah. He's a good-" Jack cuts off as his brother shouts from the kitchen.

"Oi!" I think William keeps talking but it's hard to make out.

"I haven't actually seen him in years." Jack scratches the back of his head, looking slightly embarrassed. "I didn't even know he was in town until he showed up on my doorstep. I'm probably just as guilty in that regard as he is, I never really tried to reach out..." He trails off, looking lost in thought. "...I've been a bit fixated on getting Faith settled in and everything lately." I'm sure Faith appreciates everything you've done for her. Such a sweet young girl. It's hard to believe she's been through so much already from what I overhear my daughters talking about. Not that either of them would ever tell me about such things themselves. I have to content myself to taking advantage of how well sound carries in this house.

Jack at least fills me in on what he can. "And how is Faith doing? I hear she and my daughter are-"

"Moooom! That's cheating."

"Excuse me?" Jack looks as confused as I feel.

"You're trying to get him to tell you about Buffy! And you're using my friend to do it."

Jack grins, looking over at her. "So now we're friends? I tho-"

"Not you... Faith, duh! I'm still mad at you."

Jack snorts and then grins at me with mischief in his eyes. "It seems we'll just have to talk about you and Giles instead of-"

"SO! Buffy and Faith. What're they up to?" Oh, well played. I'll make a proper parent out of you yet. Dawn sounds so horrified. She wasn't even the one to walk in on- Oh, Buffy. I'm so sorry you had to see that.

I feel my cheeks heating up in embarrassment but Jack just laughs at Dawn and starts to answer her question while I recover. "Mrs. Post still has them searching the caves-"

There's a loud crash as the door flies open, Angel standing there with a crazed look on his face. "Oh my God. Get away from here!"

Jack is on his feet in an instant, tossing the table aside and putting himself between that monster and my daughter faster than I can blink.

I try to pull my daughter away, but she has her fists clamped around Jack's shirt. "It's alright. He can't get in. You're safe. We won't let him take you again."

I repeat my statement to her like a mantra while she shakes in my arms.

My world hones down to my daughter's slowly steadying body and my own repeated murmurs.

Sometime later Faith appears at my side, and the sound of my eldest's voice speaking nearby clicks in my head. "Buffy, thank God! Get rid of him before he hurts your sister again."

Suddenly Jack starts to glow purple as he charges at Angel, "YOU MEAN YOU KNEW!?" Fortunately Dawn let go when the purple lights surprised her and she isn't pulled along behind Jack like Faith is.

I have no guilt about being happy at the sound of bones breaking coming from the thing that hurt my little girls as Jack's fist connects.

With Angel dealt with I turn to see at what looks like all of my daughter's friends crowding into the doorway to the living room.

Buffy takes her stake out. Good. Go get rid of- "Buffy, what are you doing!?" Buffy starts attacking William who stumbles to the side, barely avoiding being impaled. It looks like he may have hit his head, the poor dear.

Dawn races away from me throwing herself between them. "NO!"

"Dawn! What're you doing!? He's a vampire!" Buffy shouts.

"I don't care. He saved me from Angel. I won't let you stake him."

"Angel has his soul back now, he's goo-"

Dawn gets directly in Buffy's face and screams at her, almost nose to nose. "I. DON'T. CARE! YOU'RE NOT THE ONE HE HELD DOWN AND TOLD HE WAS GOING TO COMPLETE THE SET."

Oh no... no! nononono... please tell me you don't mean- No. Not my little girl.

William's voice reassures me even as he slurs his words. "...His face! He didn't like... being interrupted before the fun started did he?"

Before. Oh thank God...

"Dawn? Are you okay?" Jack is standing in the doorway. The door is missing.

People are shouting, but I can only watch as my little girl takes a deep breath and then... nods slowly, yes. She's okay. Oh thank God.

Buffy moves away, coming back over towards me- and punches Jack? He must have walked over while I was focused on Dawn. Why would Buffy do that? He just saved her sister from that horrible-

"REALLY!? AGAIN!? Jack shouts. Again? Buffy!

"Gawd, Buffy! Psycho Much?" I can't even bring myself to chastise my youngest for breaking the rule I set out after Hank and I put Buffy in that place that obviously didn't help her.

I stare at my daughter. What are you thinking!? I don't understand what would make you think this is okay. I glance angrily at Mr. Giles, I'm sure this is your doing.

"Right. So. As I was saying..." He turns to face me. There's a piece of wood sticking out of his chest, but he just gives a resigned sigh, which is obviously painful. "Joyce, thank you for the cocoa. I'm sorry about your door and chair. I'll pay for the replacements, but my family and I are leaving, for obvious reasons." He glances at my eldest daughter. Yes, perhaps it would be for the best if we all took a moment to calm-

"You can't honestly believe we'll just let you walk away." Mr. Giles sounds accusatory.

"Okay, I'm confused again..." Why shouldn't we let him leave? He's not the one who's done anything wrong here tonight.

"You're a Vampire?" Of course he is, Xander... wait...

"You mean you all didn't know?" Why would Faith tell Dawn but not everyone else?

...

"WHAT!?" Why is everyone staring at me like I've lost my mind.


--- One Awkwardly Silent Moment Later After Jack's Departure---

I turn to glare at my daughter and her friends. "Well! I hope you're all proud of yourselves."

"You knew!?" My eldest daughter shouts at me.

"I know you and your sister think of me as just Mom, but I'm not-"

"You knew!?" Xander yells from the living room doorway.

...

"Yes, Xander, I just said-" Oh. He's doesn't seem to be talking to me. Instead he's glaring at an incredibly upset looking Willow.

"...I- I'm sorry, Xander! I just- and Buffy didn't want me to- and I- I sent him to Hell, Xander! I sent him to Hell! I couldn't just not help him."

"Angel!" and just like that my eldest daughter runs out the door.

I sit down at the dining- I sit down in a chair where my dining room table used to be.

...

I sigh. "Where did I go wrong?" I ask no one in particular. Not that anyone is paying any attention to me anyway at this point. Everyone arguing with, or just maybe at, each other except for Mr. Giles, who is polishing his glasses and staring off into space.

As I question my own parenting, Xander continues to rant at Willow while pacing about in the living room. "Are you kidding me? Let's just take a look at Angel's highlight reel huh? Creepy sketches left in Buff's bed, a letter whose only wordage was your fish, Wills!"

Cordelia's voice cuts across Xander's, "And my car! He was in my car!"

"Then there's kidnapping Dawn-" Dawn! She's not here, where's my little Dawnie? "-Giles's new look from the Spring domestic violence collection..." I race over towards the stairs. "-and that's not to mention our sudden need for a new computer teacher. So, yeah." Xander and I pass each other in the doorway. "You've just got to help Angel. He's clearly the victim in all of this."

"Dawn!? Are you up there!?"

I have a few seconds of heart rending terror before my youngest appears at the top of the stairs.

"Yeah, Mom. But I think I'm going to go to bed okay?"

"That's fine, dear." I turn back towards the dining room. Xander has made it outside and is holding a piece of my back door while arguing with my eldest who's carrying Angel.

"How can you stand there and defend him!?" Yes. Thank you, Xander.

I try to focus on just how satisfyingly broken that monster looks, but seeing Buffy carrying him is just too much.

"Buffy! What are you doing!?" At my question, she starts looking back and forth between Xander and I.

"He's not- That wasn't- He..." My eldest trails off.

Nearby, I hear Willow say gently, "I think your glasses are clean now."

"He has his soul back. He's-" Buffy cuts off.

"Oh, dear Lord!" Mr. Giles voice shouts behind me. Glancing back, it looks to be a delayed reaction to Willow taking his glasses away.

Xander cuts back in before my daughter has a chance to continue defending that bastard. "And what happens the next time he loses it? What do we do then, Buff?"

"He won't. He can't- we aren't- That isn't- We're just friends." How can you be friends with him!?

"Friends!? He took your little sister! He tried to-" I can't bring myself to finish the statement. It's too horrible to think about let alone say.

"That! Wasn't! Him!" What!?

"What are you talking about, Buffy? I saw him-" I get cut off by Cordelia, again.

"WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE DRIVING THEM HOME!?" She screeches from behind me.

Everyone pauses, and looks at Cordelia as she paces into and then back out of view in the living room. She's holding her phone in front of her face rather than to her ear, staring at it in obvious disbelief.

"I'm... taking Angel back to the mansion." I turn back and go to protest, and Xander looks like he's about to say something as well, but we both get interrupted again.

"NO, I WILL NOT RELAX! HARMONY, ARE YOU INSANE!? YOU INVITED THEM INTO YOUR CAR!?" Buffy stops mid backward step at Cordelia's latest shout, aiming a funny look into the house.

"...Did we all forget to tell her it doesn't work like that?" Willow sounds confused. I am too. What doesn't work like how?

"Oh, good Lord! He can walk around in the daylight." Mr. Giles looks lost in thought even as he speaks.

My daughter resumes her attempt to back away from Xander and I, not stopping this time when Cordelia continues yelling into her phone.

"They're Vampires, Harmony!" Everyone seems hung up on that one point.

"Buffy! Stop!" But she's gone, ignoring me as usual. Where did I go wrong?

"Oh, dear Lord! He doesn't stake." Mr. Giles is definitely stuck in his thoughts, just looping his favorite words.

Xander walks back into the house looking furious and dejected. He glares at Willow for a moment before walking over to join Cordelia in the living room.

"NO, NOT AMY! JACK AND SPIKE!" Cordelia sounds even more irritated than before.

"OH, DEAR LORD! What if he can make more vampires like him?"

Xander walks back into the dining room, shaking his head. Still glaring at Willow, he tries to get Mr. Giles' attention. "G-man. You in there?"

Cordelia cuts in before Mr. Giles can answer. "SO WHAT!? They'll EAT you!" Well, I hardly think that's likely. They've been living together for months. To overhear Faith tell it to Dawn, she can barely even get Jack to hug Amy.

"Oh, dear Lor- ...What is it Xander? And must you call me that infernal nickname in a time like this?"

Xander's answer is drowned out by Cordelia, again. "EXCUSE ME! You can't possibly have just said- YOU LET HIM BITE YOU!?"

What!? That can't be right, I need to call Amy. I pick up the phone. Instead of a dial tone I hear Faith's voice. "...B's been stressin-"

My youngest daughter's voice interrupts her. "Mooom, get off the phone! I'm talking to Faith." Oh good, I can ask her instead.

"Hey, Momma S! ...Oh, Jack wants me to tell- HARM! EYES ON THE ROAD!" I drop the phone in shock. Harmony is still driving while talking to Cordelia!?

"No, I don't care how many pounds you've- SPIKE! GIVE THE PHONE BACK TO HARMONY!"

Oh thank God. At least someone is being responsible. Thank you, William.

I catch a bit more of Xander's conversation with Willow and Giles. "Xander, no! He has his soul back, you can't just-" Who..?

Xander cuts Willow off, yelling, "He's a Vampire!" Again, I'm not sure why everyone seems to be hung up on that point. It's not like they weren't vampires when William saved my little Dawnie.

"But- so is Jerk! Why- Why aren't you talking about staking him!?" Willow starts looking flustered. Who's a Jerk? Or should that be what? Is Jerk a type of demon?

Xander starts to reply. "Angel is clearly the bigger-" Giles interrupts him.

"I quite disagree, Xander. Certainly Angelus is a more immediate problem but Jack has demonstra-"

The rest of Giles point is lost as Cordelia storms into the dining room. "URGH! Spike just called me rude, and then he hung up on me. Spike! Can you believe that?"

Well you were on the phone yelling at the girl driving- The phone! I pick it up in time to hear Faith finish, "...the fuckin shit out of some dude crossin the road though."

"Faith! Language!" I shout before even thinking about it.

...

I can't help it. After everything that happened tonight, my reflexively chastising Faith for swearing is just too much.

I break down into hysterical laughter and can't seem to stop.
 
Some say the brain tumor was magic based. Some say it was genetic. Others say many theories.

I say dealing and worrying with the insane teenage idiocy of Buffy and her... Buffyness was that done did Joyce in.


My favorite chapter of the show tou. It was very... Viscerally real and humanizing... Buffy still is the biggest headache in the Buffyverse.
 
Part 37 – Oh Brother
---Winters Residence : Sunday Morning..? Already?---

My tattoos flare for a moment. I make a quick note of the time in the margins. That makes four times in about as many hours that they've done that.

It's a strange itching sensation too. I suspect that somebody, somewhere, is having a tough go of it trying to make something stick. Probably Willow. I add a note to look into it once I'm no longer on fucking babysitting duty. Gods Damn It, this is going to get messy.

As the Mario Kart theme song begins its umpteenth loop in the background, the doorbell rings.

I put my notebook down and look around the living room. The rest of my little family collectively lets out an annoyed groan from their scattered sleeping positions and begin to stir.

Faith sits up, yawning, and begins to stretch. Her phone, finally falling from its nightlong perch on her forehead, clatters to the floor.

Amy's annoyed grumbles as she attempts to disentangle herself from what Faith calls Harmony's Koala-bear impression remind me that I should probably go see to the door before our visitor is immolated. I suspect charbroiled visitors would somehow be viewed as evidence that we're 'Evil' or some such nonsense by the local white hats. Damn that's going to get old fast. I burned through almost my entire supply of blood packs refueling after yesterday's little lightshow. Getting more blood is going to be even more of a hassle now that they're on guard and likely going to be watching me.

Passing by the couch, I glare down at my Brother. The only one to sleep through the doorbell, he's still passed out next to a empty bottle of whiskey. Yes, William, clearly it's my bagged blood that'll dull the senses...

I shake my head and carry on towards the door. After his unexpected arrival, I suspect the doorbell ringing is going to forever be associated with things going sideways on me now. Still, nothing for it. I check the spy hole before opening the door.

...

Why is Allan here? I don't recall scheduling any more meetings after dropping off the Box of Gav-

...

Another glance back at my brother passed out on the couch leaves me resisting the urge to bang my head against the door as the obvious answer hits me. Instead, I plaster on my best smile and pull the door open. "Good Morning, Allan! Was I supposed to have a meeting Mayor Wilkins today?"

Sure enough, Allan manages to stutter out a nervous sounding denial. "N-No, Sir. But I-" Allan cuts out staring at me, or rather my chest..?

I glance down to- Gods Damn It! I never changed my shirt. Today is not my day. I wave my hand dismissively. "Oh, yes. I do apologize for that. I suppose I should have changed my shirt. In my defense, being stabbed by the local Slayer was a touch distracting at the time." I gesture at the undamaged skin under the bloodstained hole in my shirt. "Unlike what used to be one of my favorite shirts however, I'm fine. So, you were saying?"

"I- Er- We were hoping..." Allan finally manages to force his eyes up to meet my own. I wonder if this is how girls feel all the time. After a deep breath Allan even manages to sound calmer. "A man named William the Bloody arrived in town yesterday. The Mayor was hoping you'd be willing to... deal with him."

... Yup, that just happened.

I debate briefly trying to milk the situation, but I can't think of anything in particular to demand of Allan right on the spot.

"I see. William the Bloody... You want him gone? As in chased out of town?" Might as well put paid to any ideas about killing my Brother early.

"... Yes... That should be more than acceptable."

"Usual contractor rates apply?"

"Of course."

"Come on in for a moment then and I'll make the arrangements."

"Thank you, Sir."

Scanning the living room as I step back and out of the doorway, I note that the girls appear to have made their way into the kitchen. Waiting for Allan to take a step forward and gain a clear line of sight of the couch, I draw in a deep breath and bellow out. "WILLIAM! WAKEY WAKEY!"

I can't decide if it's William launching himself off the couch in gameface before clutching his head in obvious pain, or Allan stiffening next to me and suddenly exuding fear that makes me smile harder.

"The Mayor's Office would like to confirm your travel arrangements."


---After Negotiations and Reassurances are Completed---

William lets out another startled yelp followed by a pained groan as the door closes behind Allan.

He's glaring at me when I turn back around to face him. "Is something wrong?"

"Bloody well right something's wrong." William Points up at the noonday Sun shining in through the living room's glass roof, eyes squinting down to slits as he shades his face.

"Oh! Necro-tempered glass. Truly fantastic stuff." I shrug. "I figured Mother might want to hold a daytime tea party if she ever came to visit, so I had the whole roof redone. Maybe you can bring her by next Christmas? or- Ooh! That reminds me, I still need to give you your Christmas present. Come on."

William's response starts with another pained groan. "I know what the glass is, not being all crispy makes it bloody obvious don't it."

"Right. Hangover... let's get you some blood first then." Grabbing my notebook on my way by, I make my way towards the kitchen with Spike trailing behind me. Pushing open the door I'm just in time for the smoke alarm in the kitchen to trigger.

Faith is holding onto Amy around the waist, lifting her off the ground as she backs away from the stove.

Harmony has the fire extinguisher, aimed at the same, where whatever was being cooked for breakfast is currently on fire. Even I can't tell what it was through the overpowering smell of smoke. The extinguisher begins spraying just after I walk in.

I can hear William stagger backwards away from the sound of the smoke alarm. In deference to his current condition, I reach up and disable the alarm by the simple expedience of crushing it in my fist. It's... unexpectedly cathartic.

As Harmony lets off the fire extinguisher, I turn to address the room in general. "So... I take it we forgot the rules about Amy not being allowed near the stove before her third cup of coffee?"

Three sad nods are the only answer I get.

"Right. Well then. Harmony, if you'd kindly make Spike some lemonade, I'll see about salvaging the stove and possibly breakfast."


---After Breakfast Proves FUBAR---

"You're an odd one aren't you."

Putting the Sunday paper down, I look over at William. He seems far less hung over despite having only made it halfway through his glass of lemonade.

"You've let yourself be domes-" He cuts off with a confused expression as Harmony plops herself down in my lap.

"You're out of lemonade." Harmony informs me seriously, holding up her arm to my face before she turns to the table and continues talking. "I still don't understand why Cords is so upset that I drove you guys home." Sliding into gameface with a shrug I try and keep an ear to the conversation.

"I think she's more worried about your weight loss routine there." I can almost hear Amy rolling her eyes at Harmony in her voice.

"Oh please, like she hasn't done weirder things. Well, okay, maybe not Cords, but this one time, Aphrodesia tried this-"

"Ya shittin me?" Faith cuts Harmony off. "Aphrodesia!?" I almost snort. Yes, Faith, not only is that her name, but she made fun of Buffy for hers.

"Oh yeah. She put on like 5 pounds last winter and-"

"No. Her name is Aphrodesia?"

"Yeah? So?"

Taking advantage of the confused lull as Faith and Harmony fail to understand each other, I look up at William from Harmony's arm. "You were saying?"

William shakes his head, confused expression morphing to amused as he glances around the table. "I don't know. I can't decide if you're insane or a genius. Maybe both."

Amy and Faith both chorus in unison. "Insane."

"Everyone's a fucking critic." I laugh and slide my notebook over to Amy. "Alright. If you two are awake enough to poke fun, then I'd like you to take a look over my notes on things we'll have to be on guard for now that..." I pause, looking over at Faith. "Until we know what the fallout from last night will be."

Amy nods agreeably and starts looking over the notes. Faith looks sad and annoyed as she pours out another bowl of cereal.

Lifting Harmony up as I stand and then putting her down in my seat, I start to make my way out of the kitchen. "Come on, William, now that you've sobered up a bit I can show you your Christmas present."


---

Crossing the lab to the vault door, I start tapping out the password.

"The hell is all this then?"

I pause, turning around. "All what?" William is looking around the lab with an odd expression. "Oh. Just some equipment I use for my experiments." I shrug.

"...Experiments?"

"Well, yeah. You grabbing Mother and getting the fuck out of dodge kept her safe and all, which is great, don't get me wrong. But it kind of left me to figure out everything on my own. For example... did you know that drinking the blood of another vampire is toxic?"

William's head whips around to stare at me, alarm written all over his face. "What!?"

"...What?"

"You drink blood from other vamps?"

"No. Of course not. I just told you... it's toxic. But from your expression, you already knew that, right?"

"Of course. Every vamp knows-"

"I didn't! No one was there to tell me anything! I had to force-feed a bunch of fledges to each other and sort out what was happening." The purple light flickering through the lab is the only warning I have that I've triggered the damned orbs again. Toggling the orbs back off, I take a deep breath. "Sorry. I guess waking up and finding out I'd been abandoned behind the old mansion still bothers me more than I expected."

"...Right... So... that explains the cages then." William nods, but his voice has an odd sound to it. I don't think I've ever heard him sound... is he nervous? Oh... Right. The purple lights make Spike back down. Weird as that is I guess I can't complain. Made separating him and Faith a lot easier. I'd put the orbs away, but based on last night I suspect I may need to repeat that performance a few more times before they stop trying to snipe at each other. Fortunately I caught onto what happened this time before they could expend much power.

"Actually, the cages came with the house. The previous owners were a bunch of cul-" The vault's rejection noise pulls me back to the task at hand. "Whoops. Timed out." I restart the password sequence from the beginning. "Anyway, focusing on happier topics... I was out in a cemetery with Amy this one night and we ran into a strange smell I didn't recognize..."


---One Possibly Embellished Tale Later---

"... after which I needed to buy a new Leatherman. The blood got into everything and dried solid as cement." I finish my tale as I hit the top of the stairs, William trailing along behind me twirling his new Polgara skewers.

Amy looks over at us from the couch as we walk into the living room. "Oh, Goddess. You're telling that story again? Did you at least remember to include the part where I thought I was going to die?"

This again? "You did not almost die. I had everything under control."

"Yeah, yeah, of course you did." She sounds... fine... with it, but then holds up my notebook and waves it at me. "Hey, what's a council wetworks team? A lot of this-"

"Oi! Bugger those bloody bastards." Spike practically growls behind me.

"Okay... I know why I hate them, but what did they do to piss you off?"

"Tracked this Slayer for months back in the fifties, yeah? Bloody council put a bullet in her head and left her to rot before we could make a proper fight of it. No respect."

Luigi careens off the rainbow road as Faith's head whips around to face us. "What was that?"

"Right. So, council wetwork teams are the Watcher types' answer to any Slayer that doesn't march to their stupid tune. Old school British spec-ops and SAS types."

"You think Giles is gunna send assassins after me?" Faith sounds dubious.

"No. I think Giles will file a fucking report, that his bosses will read, panic, and then they will send assassins after us. Giles... will probably even manage to be surprised that they would do such a thing. Which is why I expect you all to start wearing your gods damned vests everywhere. Even under your school clothes." Memories of father watching Buffy slide a knife into Faith's gut flicker through my mind. "...Especially under your school clothes."

"...she's a Slayer!?"

...

Everyone turns to stare at my Brother. "Seriously? How the fuck did you miss that?"


---Hours of Awkward Planning, Story Swapping, but Mostly Just Arguing Later---

William gives a mock salute with his new Polgara skewers from the window of his Desoto before peeling out of the driveway.

"I know ya say he's our brother, but I don't think I like him very much."

"That's okay, Faith. I know what you mean. Family is Family, but we don't always see eye to eye on everything."

...

Gods Damn It. I sigh. "I should probably check in on Warden Liam. Make sure the prisoner survived the night." Come to think of it, I can't actually think of a more fitting punishment than helping make sure Warden Liam continues to just... be himself.

The idea of Grandfather snarling in helpless rage as he watches Warden Liam save puppies and kiss babies makes me smile even in spite of the mess my Brother made of my life.

Ungh. "You know, speaking of William... fucks sake, he was only here for what? Less than 24 hours? Yet he managed to completely up-end my unlife."

Amy rests her hand on my shoulder. "Really? A vampire just shows up in your life one day and turns it upside down? Lord and Lady. I can't possibly imagine what that must have been like for you."
 
Part 38 – One Bigass Butterfly
---Winters Residence – Lab : Monday, Nov 16th - 1AM---

"So, what are ya gunna do?" Faith asks as she helps me carry the gurney down the staircase.

I glance down at Warden Liam's sedated body. "Put Liam here back together. Dump him-"

"No. I mean... I get that." Faith rolls her eyes at me. She's clearly been spending too much time with Amy. "I meant about... the shit with... B and the Watcha Council, ya know?" Her voice gets kind of quiet at the end.

"Oh..." Suddenly I feel like I'm dealing with the Faith that had just moved in all over again.

"Yeah... Oh."

I sigh. "Alright. Look. Obviously, we're going to have to lay low for a while. Try to avoid going out alone, stick to public places, that kind of thing. The morons in England like to pretend they're good people, so I don't see them taking shots at us in school. Storming the house in the dead of night and trying to drag us off to face a trial," I make sure to include the air-quotes, "is more their style. The house is pretty well fortified, so if worst comes to worst, we can just let that first smash and grab team break their faces on the front door. Beyond that, depends on how your... friends... react. Did Dawn mention anything about that while you two were on the phone most of last night?"

"Not much. Just that there was a lot of yelling, and that B apparently took off with gramps here." Damn. A well positioned spy in enemy ranks... and she can't be bothered to pay closer attention.

"Then for now we do what we always do. Stick together and look out for each other. We'll just do it while more heavily armed and armored." I shrug. "Your emancipation paperwork finally cleared, so they can't try and pull any legal fuckery without getting mired in paperwork." Good luck convincing a civilian court that I'm not a suitable influence on my adoptive sister. I've put work into making sure I look very good on paper.


---Abandoned Mansion : Monday 6AM---

I open the back gate of the truck. "Alright, Warden, here we are. Home sweet home."

Pulling the gurney out of the back of the truck I make sure the straps are all tied down properly before lifting it up and walking towards the mansion.

I make it almost an entire second step before the mansion door bursts open and Buffy comes charging out with that axe from over the mantel in her hands.

"Oh, joygasm. It's Murderbot Barbie."

"What did you do to him!?" Yeah. So don't feel like dealing with an axe crazy Buffy today.

I shove the gurney towards her and back away towards the truck, keeping my eyes firmly on Buffy. "You know what!? Fuck off. I fixed your toy-friend, he's your problem now. You can feed him the blood to wake up. I am so incredibly done with your shit."

While Buffy runs towards to Warden Liam I put the truck between myself and her axe.

Keeping a close watch, and making sure she remains thoroughly distracted, I climb into the truck and drive away.


---Sunnydale High Classroom : Monday, Second Period---

I watch as my English teacher nervously paces the front of the classroom.

I don't usually pay this much attention to her. I like her class just fine, the discussions are amusing enough, and the required reading is mostly different from father's own recollections.

But today I find her far more interesting than usual. Not just because I'm a little hungry either, though I am, but because she's pacing back and forth at the front of Mr. Bardunn's AP Calculus classroom.

I can hear Willow, in her usual seat up at the front of the class, trying to ask her what's wrong.

"Mr. Bardunn has the Flu. I'll be covering for him for a few days... But he should be back in time for the test you have on Friday."

The various overachievers that fill the room start sounding disgruntled. Willow in particular seems concerned about losing her precious learning time. Or maybe I'm just better at picking her voice out of a crowd? Hmmm...

"It's been a while since I've had to do any of this material, but I'm sure I can figure it out." I snort as mutinous murmurs fill the room. Ms. Tenghast... probably can't actually hear them as she turns to the board, armed with a piece of chalk. Gods people, it's just a-

Amy turns around in her seat ahead of me. "Fix it."

...Oh. Right.

I forgot for a moment there that Amy was one of those academic overachievers, or rather, she is in any class she shares with 'that red haired know it all.' "What am I supposed to do? Spontaneously cure the common cold?"

"Just- Get up there! I know you know the material already."

...

Oh for fucks sake. "But that means being closer to Willow..." Amy's face indicates this is apparently just something I'll just have to live with. It practically screams how fine she is with the idea. "Yeah, yeah, I'm going." I climb out of my seat while Amy continues to glare at me.

"Excuse me. Hi..." She turns around and meets my gaze. "Why don't you have a seat? I'll take care of it." My work with Dr. Walsh continues to pay dividends in the strangest ways. My voice sounds conversational even as I nudge her into agreeing with me.

I take the piece of chalk from her and Ms. Tenghast smiles gratefully. While she has a seat at the desk, I turn to the class. Willow looks suspicious, but she's been looking at me that way since Saturday.

...I guess I'm doing this?

"Alright folks. Good news! Those obnoxious rectangles we've been forced to draw for the past month and change? We're all done with those. Today I present to you 'Math, as done by a Physicist.' Where all the cows are points and they always explode."


---After Class---

The bell rings.

"Looks like thats all, folks. Any of you that want to see an example of what I meant about projectiles should swing by the metal shop classroom during last period. My project team will be test firing our rail cannon at a watermelon. Sadly, I don't think it will say mu."

...

I lean back against the desk for a moment while the rest of the class filters out.

"That was good." Ms. Tenghast's voice reminds me that she's still sitting there behind me.

...

Huh. Given how hurriedly I applied it, my thrall based suggestion ought to have worn off ages ago. I guess she decided on her own to let me keep going. "Thank you, Ms. Tenghast. I think I enjoyed that."

To be fair, watching Willow try to maintain her suspicious stare while taking notes was pretty comical.

The look on her face every time one of my examples ended in something exploding... that alone would have made it worth it. I sigh happily. "Well, I should get to wood shop, see you next period."

"Bye, Jack."


--- The Gallery - Joyce's Office : Monday Lunchtime---

The door is open, but I knock on the frame anyway. "Hi."

Joyce looks up from her paperwork and smiles tiredly. "Hello, Jack."

I pause walking towards my usual seat, scratching the back of my head. "I wanted to say I'm sorry about your door again."

"It's okay, really. Dawn and I are very grateful that you got rid of Angel so quickly."

"Still... have you had a chance to get the damage assessed?"

"No, the contractor won't be able to make it out until Thursday."

"Oh... If you like I might be able come by at some point and put a new door in. Kind of depends on how much damage happened to the frame. I wasn't really in a good state of mind that night."

"It's nice of you to offer, but I think my oldest daughter might object."

"Yeah... Buffy and I aren't on the best of terms right now. Alright, well, send me the bill when you get it. Also, Xander might be able to help you out. He's proven pretty handy during some of my own home improvement projects. Has something of a gift for carpentry.

"I'll be sure to ask him about it."

"Right. Well, I should get back to school."


---Sunnydale High Parking Lot : Monday Afternoon---

Faith climbs into the passenger seat of the truck.

...

"Where's Amy?"

"Catchin a ride home with Harms. Didn't want to leave anyone on their own today cause the others were all tryin to give us the third degree today."

"I see. Anything in particular I should be worried about? Or just the expected crap?"

Faith shrugs. "I don't know? Xander seemed upset that you're a vampire. B wanted to know what you did to gramps-"

"I did NOT do anything to... Grandfather... I fixed up Warden Liam. I told you, they are two completely sep-"

"I know! I get it. I told her all I knew was that I helped you carry him down and then back up those damned stairs."

I take a deep breath. "Sorry. I'm just still a little bitter about that whole trying to murder me thing."


---Winters Residence : Tuesday, Nov 17th - Morning---

"How do you feel about bee keeping?" Amy asks me as she sips her coffee. She's using her I had an awesome idea voice... which means this will either be amazing, or I need to be incredibly careful.

"I... don't think I like honey nearly enough to have any interest. Why?"

"Well I was thinking about trying to..." she glances over as Faith comes in, "...duplicate what happened with Beedrill."

"Fuckin seriously? The bees again? Why do you want more giant ass bees? Wasn't one bad enough? Christ, it took that fuckin thing a week to die."

"I thought they might make a nasty surprise for any home invaders."

"Ya, cause the stupid bees can tell the difference between me 'n a home invadah."

"Maybe if I-"

"I. Hate. Bees."

"Children..."And just like that they're united in giving me insulted looks. "What about a mechanical drone? Not a bee... but like a tiny helicopter thing."

"What controls them?"

"Well we'd need to program an analogue to a Queen," I glance at Faith. "Or an airport traffic control tower type deal if you prefer."


---The Espresso Pump : Tuesday Lunchtime---

I watch the three stooges, whose real names I'd long since forgotten before I even finished introducing them to each other by proxy. They're holding a quiet meeting at the table in the corner.

Listening in from a few tables down, I can only manage to catch a few scattered pieces of their conversation over the steady din of customer orders and coffee machines.

Moe's voice. "...Mayor... over a hundred... in on it." Good... good...

"...we do?" Larry asks.

"... a guy... explosives." Aha! There we go. Thank you, Curly. My backup plan is all coming together nicely.

"...that work?"

"Our town... try?"

Perfect. I think I can now burn my notes when I get home today. If these guys blow up Mr. Giant Snake after he ascends then that's not my fault.

I knock back the remainder of my coffee and get back in line to order Faith and Amy their drinks to go.

Even if I had to help get them organized and pointed in the right direction, you really have to admire the ability of local conspiracy nuts to put pieces together. No doubt they'd all still be worried about who killed Kennedy or whatever it was that bothered Moe so much before I first ran across him. A few weeks later and they're unraveling the mysteries of our town's founding. I can't wait to see what they make of the explosives and diagrams I made sure Curly's friend Shemp would find so very interesting.


---Winters Residence : Tuesday Afternoon---

Looking through the peephole, my confusion and paranoia start battling for primacy. The hell is Oz doing here..?

That he's out there looking fidgety is whole other set of 'wtf' inducing issues. Oz seems like an odd choice to use for bait in any kind of trap, but that might well be the point.

Quickly confirming my pistol is in place, and vest securely fastened under my shirt, I cautiously open the door. My bullets may not be silver, but he'd still feel them if anything tried to go sideways.

"Oz... What brings you by?"

He takes a deep breath. A visibly nervous Oz is making all kinds of warning alarms start going off in my mind. "You kept those cages down in the basement, right?" Err- what?

"Yes?" Oz's naturally laconic nature is so not helpful right now.

"Full moon tonight. Was hoping I could crash in one." Considering how much this just screams Trojan Horse to me, I'm amazed my tattoos aren't going berserk again. Still... an opportunity to study lycanthropy up close? I suppose I can't deny his request out of hand.

I wonder what the excuse they cooked up was? "Don't you use the book cage in the library for that?"

"I'd rather not tonight. Willow and I broke up."

...

... Say what?

He sounded serious.

"Run that one by me again? You and Willow broke up?"

The hell did I do to make that happen?
 
Part 39 - And Its Little Butterfly Buddies
---Winters Residence - Atrium: Tuesday Afternoon---

"Yeah. Walked in on her and Xander."

I stare at Oz. Oh, Gods Damn It.

I was really hoping that the silver lining in the mess my Brother made was that Willow and Xander would manage their little 'de-lusting spell' in peace. I could have washed my hands of the whole affair and been happier for it.

For fucks sake. Willow was at that shit show at Joyce's, and I had eyes on my Brother from then until he left town, so she can't have gotten herself kidnapped, can she? What happened?

...

Gods Damn It! Now I'm back to worrying about what happens if Anyanka folds time around me. I'd really rather not be unmade by the whims of a high school girl. I suppose I could just- Wait, no. Do vengeance demons even die if you shoot them in the head?

Taking a deep breath, I force myself to calm down. Tilting my head to the side and stepping back, I offer Oz the traditional Sunnydale greeting. "Are you able to come in?"

He doesn't blink, but I do catch a short half snort, as he steps through the doorway.

My tattoos ping, and the alert board I made Amy rig up after I realized how much information I was missing blinks green. If this slightly more emotive Oz is an imposter, he's at least one that Amy added to the listing.

I let my left arm fall away from my pistol and gesture towards the lab staircase with my right.

"Do you want to talk about it?"


---Winters Residence - Lab: Tuesday Evening---

"I thought she'd deny it, or that maybe I had misheard them. You know?"

...

I blink at Oz.

I think... that that one explanation was more words than I've ever heard Oz say. "Ouch. Definitely not how I'd want to find something like that out."

Oz just nods, climbing into the reinforced cage, now covered with a sheet on one side.

While he undresses, I hunt down a blank notebook and my good pen.

The timer dings, just as I'm settling into my seat next to the cage. "T minus 1 minute. How do you feel?"

Oz's head pokes out from behind the 'curtain' and gives me a questioning look. Or what I think is a questioning look. Oz's expressions are far harder to read than Amy's.

"Earlier, you said that 'you hadn't felt that way before except during a full moon.' It's a full moon... so how do you feel? Does the wolf feel like some external presence sharing space in your head? Or is it more like... how drunk you is clearly still you but does strange things?"

...

"Huh. Not sure. Why?"

"You remember your old classmate, Pete Clarner?" I continue at Oz's nod, "I'm just curious how much your condition has in common with-"

Oz's sudden pained expression and the sound of bones snapping and rearranging themselves tells me that the intelligent conversation portion of the night has come to an end.

I give Oz a solid 10 count to complete the change over and then whistle at him.

Locking gazes with the thing now locked in my cage takes some doing but I finally manage it.

I promptly slam into a whirlwind of raw emotion. Unable to make mental purchase on anything, I quickly find myself ejected forcefully and with the beginnings of a migraine for my efforts.

Fascinating. It DOES feel like what happens when Pete flips out, only dialed up well past 11. Sadly, that prevents most of the testing I had thought to do tonight.

I fetch a blood pack from the fridge and dump it into a mug. Mixing in a vial of the blood taken from Liam, I nearly drop whole thing as another fit of giggles wracks my body when I remember the look on Liam's face during the performance art piece that was his healing session.

"I know exactly what I'm doing!" I snort. LD50 on vamp blood is fucking obnoxious though. Such a promising food source lost to... whatever it is that makes non-lineage blood so dangerous.

Kissing the little ring on my finger that made the whole thing possible I set to work re-examining my options for further inquiry tonight.


---Winters Residence - Lab: Late Tuesday Night---

-Project Lycan - November 20th - Initial Observations-

  • Transformation appears to be painful, but involves a lot of rapid regrowth. Do broken bones transfer/translate from one form to the other? Are they healed by the transformation?
  • 'common' breed possesses an impressive level of mental fortitude.
  • Unclear on reasoning behind Oz's designation as a werewolf. Hybrid form is not wolflike. More... were-ape-ish.
  • Lycanthropus Exterus breed has strong resemblance with wolves. More common in Europe.
  • Usage of the term 'Werewolf' possibly comparable to tissues all being called kleenex? Europeans referring to everything that shifts with the moon as a werewolf? -??look into specific meaning of Exterus designation. Foreign to what?
  • Why moon based? Clearly not necessary if monks can use meditation to suppress or induce it.
  • Results inconclusive with regards to separate entity or aspect of self question.
  • Root Cause Analysis - Ideas:
    • Disease? [Super]Naturally occurring? Did some idiot wizard accidentally magically supercharge rabies? Is it blood borne or purely mystical? Does it NEED to be a bite to spread?
    • Curse? Who was originally cursed? How? Why?
    • Similarity with vampirism. Did some other old one have some sort of ancient super soldier program gone wrong?
  • Can a vampire become a werewolf? Can a werewolf be turned into a vampire? do they cancel out? Are they mutually exclusive / toxic to each other?
I give a discontented sigh as I look over my notes. As is typical for a new project, everything is jumbled up, with more questions than solid data.

I'm not even clear on how to test most of these. I do know I'll need to borrow a box of gloves along with the blood draw equipment while I'm at the hospital this evening. The few ideas I can work on testing all sound potentially disastrous. I just don't have the right equipment to take this branch of research any further.

Urgh! Moping about it won't be any use, best find a project I can work on to pass the time. Hmmm... Tossing aside my lycanthropy notes, I step into the vault and grab the orbs out of their box. I wonder...


---Winters Residence - Lab: Early Wednesday Morning---

-Orb Sciences - November 20th – Possession Testing-

  • "On my person" does not appear to be disrupted by cloth, as evidenced by operating normally from within a belt pouch or pocket.
  • Even wrapping them in additional layers of cloth does not appear to interfere with their operation.
  • With the odd exception of their original container, metal and Kevlar layers also do not appear to disrupt the chain of custody by which I count as in possession of the orbs. Placing them under or even inside armor may be viable.
...

Hmmm... It's not like my intestines are actually doing anything important anymore. I wonder if the orbs would work if I buried them inside my guts...

Pulling off the ring and carefully setting both it, and its invisibility inducing cover down in a cup, I try placing the orbs inside my person.

The telltale purple glow flickers into existence at my mental command. Awesome. Now I just need some sort of protective container to put them in.

Digging the orbs back out of my guts and returning the ring and its tension spring mounted sheathe to my left ring finger, I start washing up and re-dressing.

A pained growl comes from the lab as I'm pulling my shirt back on. Stepping out of the vault and closing the door, I look over to where Oz is changing back into his own clothes as well.

"Morning! How do you feel? Compared to last night I mean."

"About the same." Oz nods slightly, then starts sniffing the air. "Did I get out last night?"

"No. Why?" Why would he think... Oh... Right, he can smell the blood too. "No. Nothing like that. I just cut myself while working. Happens a lot actually. So you said you feel about the same now as you did just before transforming? No new aches?"

Oz nods, and I grab the notebook I'm using for his project and start to update his chart. "You're taking notes?" Oz's question interrupts my train of thought.

"Of course I am. If I wasn't I'd just be screwing around instead of doing science." I roll my eyes. "Also, I think your lycanthropy has a curious level of similarity to what happened to one of my patients, Pete Clarner."

"Huh. You mentioned him last night. He's the guy that tried to kill Mr. Platt right?"

"Yeah..." I try to ignore the implications that Oz was apparently uninvolved in that fiasco this time around. All these little changes are going to become a problem some day. "...He dosed himself with a cocktail of demon blood and steroids that I'm still trying to work out all the details on. Turned himself into an almost Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-esque sort of rage monster. But that..."

I trail off, considering the idea that just occurred to me. Right now Oz's transformation is linked to the moon, but next year he comes back from Tibet with the ability to transform whenever he gets angry. I look back up at Oz as his hand waves in front of my face. I smile, if you do turn out to be some kind of Trojan horse, I think I know how to make you far less reliable...

I mean, it's not like you weren't going to do it anyway, and if you hare off to Tibet this year or over the summer instead of next fall, maybe I can head Darth Rosenberg off at the pass. Bonus.

"Hey, you're still on speaking terms with Giles right?"

"Yeah."

"See if you can get him to tell you anything about those Tibetan monks."

"Tibetan Monks?"

"...Yeah... the werewolf ones that found a way to control their transformations? Oh!" I grab my notebook and point out the relevant part. "Also ask him if he knows why European werewolves are called Lycanthropus Exterus. Foreign to what exactly?"

...

Oz ignores the notebook in favor of staring at me intently. It's a very strange look for him.

...

"Do I have something on my face?"

"Tibetan Monks?" What are we? Stuck on a loop?

"Oh. Uh..." I scratch the back of my head. "I kind of told you everything I know about them already. Well, almost... though I suppose saying that monks use meditation is like saying water is wet... but they do, and instead of full moons I think they can transform whenever they want to or if they get angry. Or so the local rumors went. Not really sure how it works. Obviously the goal would be to make transforming a choice, but..." I hold up my notebook fanning out the mostly empty pages. "I'm not there yet. Not even close."


---Winters Residence - Kitchen : Wednesday Morning---

Oz looks down at his eggs before shrugging and making a good faith effort to match my Sister bite for bite.

...

Err- Okay. I know something is wrong when Faith eats her 'fuckin alien eggs' without any kind of comment. "What's wrong?"

"It's Wednesday."

"All day lo- oh. Yeah... I guess we'll be giving the weekly meeting with Mr. Giles a miss."

Oz nods. Faith Sighs. Actually, with Oz and his van here, I wonder how-

Amy groans and sets her coffee down with a needlessly loud thud. "You couldn't have decided that before I woke up the extra half hour early?"

"Sorry, I can't think of-" I'm cut off by the sound of the front door swinging open and slamming closed. Single ping. No one looks alarmed. Harmony maybe?

The kitchen door slams open. Yup. Harmony is here, with a pile of clothes in her arms, and she looks angry..? "...what's wrong?"

"Cordelia and Xander are still fucking together!" Venom practically drips from her voice as she takes a few heaving breaths trying to steady herself.

"They started screwin?" Faith bangs her fists together suggestively, but makes a confused face instead of her usual eyebrow waggle. Apparently Faith also has opinions on the topic of Xander and Cordelia?

"No! Thank God! But he- with Willow! And now she's- they're still-" Harmony looks about ready to burst a blood vessel.

I clear my throat loudly and glance pointedly at Oz.

Harmony turns and looks at Oz. "Oh, right... Yeah. No, you can't wear that again." She puts the clothes in her hands down in front of him. "Go change."

She looks about ready to start back up again when Oz uses his favorite multipurpose word. "Huh?"

"You wore that outfit yesterday. You need a new one." She points insistently at the piles of clothes now on the table. "Go. Change."

As Oz looks around the table with a bemused expression I take solace in the fact that I'm not the only one Harmony baffles. "I'd just do what she says if I were you."

"We won't get anything else done until you do." Amy agrees with me.

With one last amused sounding, "Huh." Oz takes the clothes and heads off to change.

...

How did Harmony know he'd need clothes? Or what size would fit him? I groan, realizing this will have to get added to my notes. Faith is going to be insufferable if she turns out to be right.


---Sunnydale High Parking Lot : Thursday Afternoon---

"Hey." Faith whacks my shoulder. "Is that Dawnsteh?"

I look up from putting my key in the ignition, and follow her pointing finger. "Uh... yeah. I think it is. Shouldn't she be at the middle school down the street? The hell is she doing here?"

Neither of us come up with an answer in the remaining 5 seconds or so it takes for Dawn to finish racing up to my truck and climb inside.

"You're driving me home!" She declares.

"I am?" I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Yup." Dawn nods at me seriously. That Faith is nodding along in sync with her makes me suspect I'm being set up.

"... Why would I be driving you home?"

"Because... ummm..." She sounds panicked for a moment before her face lights back up triumphantly. "You owe me!" I suspect the finger now pointing at me is for emphasis.

...

Oh, for fucks sake. "If this is about that birth-"

"No! You broke my back door."

"I aready said I was sor-"

"Not done! Mom stayed home today to get it repaired, so Buffy drove-"

"Oh, gods! She let Buffy drive!?"

Faith laughs as Dawn shudders theatrically. "Exactly."

"I think this calls for ice cream. Call your mother and ask-."

"She won't mind if you take me out for ice cream."

"Let's try this again, shall we? Call your mother, and ask her what flavor she wants us to bring her."

"Oh... Okay!"

Christ on a cracker, I thought high schoolers were bad.


---Summers Residence Driveway : Thursday Afternoon---

"Ya know... B's gonna pitch a fit when she finds out." Faith tells me as we watch Dawn head into her house.

"Yeah well, the day I let Buffy dictate who I can and can't be friends with is the day I rip out my own fangs."

"I thought you were hopin to patch things up?"

"With the Scoobies in general, sure, but Buffy? I mean... she tried to murder me. Twice!" I take the door closing behind Dawn as my cue, and pull out of the driveway.

"I know, but..." Faith trails off with a sigh and looks back at the house. "I liked how things were before. Ya know?"

Right. Faith's open secret of a crush on the blonde menace. Gods Damn It. I had so hoped I'd never need to have this conversation. I rub my face in frustration as I stop at a red light.

...

Ignoring my own... interests in my Sister for the moment, dating Buffy is one of the riskiest things she could do in this world. Even if father had survived, he'd have given that walking disaster a wide berth too. Water is wet. Xander is like catnip to demon chicks. Warden Liam uses too much hair gel. Dawn gets kidnapped on Tuesdays. Buffy's love life explodes in her face. These are all fundamental principles of the universe.

How do I explain that without sounding insane?

Ungh. Apparently relying on Buffy's preferences to put paid to things on their own was too much to hope for.

...

Then again... Dawn's made it through two Tuesdays without being kidnapped. And... a bunch of those fanfics father liked to read all mentioned some chick named Satsu. She's from the comics, maybe?

Are those canon?

Does that matter? Even if they are... did anyone bother to tell the universe?

Looking over at my sister's hopeful face, I sigh. I guess we're doing this now. "You do realize that Buffy probably doesn't swing that way right?"



---Winter's Residence : Thursday Late Afternoon---

As I'm opening the door to let Oz in for his third night of solitary, a black sedan with tinted windows pulls up in front of the house.

"Damn." I take a step back into the house. "We've got company!"

"Huh?" Oz turns around to look at the black sedan. Either he's really good at selling the innocent bystander routine, or he's not part of this.

I stare at Oz, debating quickly if I should slam the door in his face. The Watcher's Council showing up just before sunset turns him into a wild animal is suspiciously well timed. Even if he wasn't aware they were coming... do I want a living grenade in my house during a siege?

Of course, if they planned properly, then they'll have silver bullets to put him down, so leaving him outside the house as a hazard to them won't help me.

Worse, if he isn't in on it, my legitimately perfectly willing lycanthropic test subject dies on the lawn.

Fucking hell. The shit I put up with for science. "Get in here. Now!" Something in my tone, or possibly scent apparently conveys that this is not a time to question me.

Faith and Amy come barreling down the stairs as Oz steps across the threshold. The alert board beeps green. I start to slam the door closed behind him but stop dumbstruck when the sedan's passneger side door opens.

What the actual fuck is Lindsey McDonald doing at my house? Gods Damn It, I do not need Wolfram & Hart taking an interest in me. My life is plenty complicated already.
 
Interlude 12A – Hematology
***POV Angel***


---Summers residence - Backyard---

My right arm is definitely broken.

You have to help them. Get up off the ground.

Dru's newest childe continues yelling. "Was it all just some kind of joke to you?" His voice is followed by a loud cracking sound.

I try to roll to my feet.

A... door? fills my vision just before slamming into my head.


---Crawford Street Mansion---

I taste blood and plastic in my mouth.

"You're awake!" Buffy's voice. She sounds worried, but alive.

I open my eyes.

Blonde hair and smiling face fill my vision.

"Yes. I'm-"

...

"Buffy, I can't feel my... anything. What happened?"

"You... met Jack." Buffy smiles awkwardly. "...Yesterday."


---Crawford Street Mansion : Later---

I look up at Buffy from where I'm lying on the bed. "He's not an alien." I don't think he is anyway.

Buffy looks down and rolls her eyes at me as she opens the bag of pigs' blood and puts a straw in. "I'm not saying- That was Drusilla, she's the one that called him an alien." Yes. Exactly.

"Which is why I say he can't be one."

"What and then the huh?" Buffy pauses and stares at me.

"Dru... doesn't do direct statements like that. She- This one time she told us that the sky was blue. Spike eventually figured out she meant it was going to rain, because the sky was sad. When she called him an alien, I doubt she meant it literally."

"... Well if he's not from space and he doesn't look Mexican-"

I stop drinking from the straw. "...What?"

"Aliens. They come from outer space and, like, Mexico."

"Yeah... Dru being from London, I don't see her concerning herself with the Colonials' border disputes either."

Buffy rolls her eyes at me again, but she smiles briefly. "Ok then, how did a fledgling vampire take you down?"

"... He caught me off guard with that strength amplification spell. I didn't expect it to be so powerful."

"Spell?"

"He was a warlock before running into Dru."

"Jack? A warlock? Are you sure?" Buffy giggles. "I've seen him try to levitate a pencil to himself. He's horrible at magic."

I wince, or try to at least. "I meant the human Jack used to be. And yes, I'm sure, You can tell by the way their blood tastes-" I cut off at Buffy's expression.

"When you said you helped Dru turn him..." Buffy groans even before I start to nod. "No wonder he went berserk when he saw you."

Though... I don't recall him tasting like someone who would have enough magic to hit that hard even if it was the only spell he practiced. Seems I'll at least have something to think about during recovery.


---Crawford Mansion : Late Sunday Night---

"I'll be back in the morning."

I hear the door swing shut and lock.

...

I lay in the bed, unable to move much more than tilting my head slightly, and begin to contemplate Jack's oddities.

...

I hear a key in the door. I don't think it's been all that long. I start to ask Buffy what she forgot as the door opens.

Jack's voice answers me. "Seriously? Do I look short, blonde, or well... Okay, I could probably manage psychotic."

Just like yesterday, I can sense that there's a member of my lineage nearby, but can't find a location. I try to move to see him, but my arms and legs still don't respond.

The softer bang of a tranq gun, and my world starts to go dim. I finally make it back to Buffy and it all ends like this?


---???---

I taste blood in my mouth.

I wake up strapped to what feels like a metal table. Directly over me is a bright white light. Everything hurts.

The smells of blood, fear, and death are suffocating. With the added scent of vampire ash and some sort of chemical lye, it smells like a vamp nest just after a big purge. The only thing missing is the burnt smell of soot from a large fire.

There's a short series of beeps. A mechanical whirring noise, and a pressure on my arm. I can't move my head to see what's going on.

"You're awake. Good." Jack's face comes into focus beside me. "How do you feel?"

...

I can feel things below my neck. Even the pain is a welcome change after days without sensation. "What did you do to me?"

My question comes out slurred, but he either understands or answers it anyway. "I un-broke your neck... I think. Can you feel this?" He frowns at me for a moment. "How about this?" More frowning. "Hmmm... Must be something wrong with the spinal cord?"

"...why..?"

"Because that's how nervous systems work." He shrugs. "Goodnight for now, Warden."

There's a tugging at my elbow and my vision starts to dim. "Waiiiit... no..."

My vision fades and darkness claims me once more.


---???---

I wake up on the table again.

I feel a sharp piercing pain in my gut.

"Did you know that people on drugs sometimes talk in their sleep?"

"I don't talk in my sleep."

"Okay, Liam, if you say so. Can you feel this?" A finger taps my right foot.

"Yes-"

"Good! How about this?" Nothing. Jack frowns. "Damn. That nasty looking business near your left femur must still need sorting out. Not to worry, I'll have you walking again yet."

"...why... are you doing this?" I don't deserve to be fixed.

"Mother would be sad if her daddy died." Jack shrugs, but he sounds angry when he says it... There's that tugging at my elbow again.

My vision fades and darkness claims me. Again.


---???---

Still strapped to a table.

There's that short series of beeps and a mechanical whirring noise again. The pressure on my arm again. I can move my head enough to see some sort of band inflating on my arm and a red tube stuck into my gut. The straps holding my head in place don't allow for anything further.

"Huh... you're awake early." Struggling, I turn my head to face Jack's voice. He's standing there with a needle drawing blood from his arm. "I guess I can hold off on your next dose. How-"

"Do I feel? I feel... a tapping on my left foot. But also..." The pain is much less. My muscles all feel lethargic, but no longer pained. Even that little twinge in my shoulder I've had since the rubble landed on me in Budapest over a century ago is, "...better?"

"That's great, Liam." He tilts his head and gives me an odd look. "Who's Whistler?"

"What?"

"I told you. People on drugs talk in their sleep." Jack shrugs. "So... Who's Whistler? Or if you prefer; Why did you listen to him he when pointed you at Buffy?"

Jack pulls the needle out of his arm and hooks it up to the red tube... no!

"What're you doing!?"

Jack pauses, giving me a confused look. "...fixing you up so you can go back to saving puppies and otherwise annoying the ever loving fuck out of your prisoner."

"Vampires can't- ...prisoner?"

"Yup." Jack nods happily. "That fuckface of a Grandsire that tried to abort me, and so shall no longer be named in my presence." Jack presses the plunger on the needle.

"Stop! Vampire blood-"

"Is toxic. Blah, blah, blah, William said the same thing. I'll admit, the LD50 on the stuff is fucking obnoxious. But don't worry," Jack leans in over me, grinning like a lunatic. "I know exactly what I'm doing... After all, I'm not dust yet am I?"

...

Oh Shi-

Darkness.


---???---

I wake up on... a softer table?

Still strapped down. Still can't move much, muscles still all feel tired.

Jack takes a girly looking watch out of his pocket and checks the time. "Sad times, Warden Liam. I've got some bad news. Took so long to fix you the Sun's out. Looks like you're going to have to make the trip home under a black out curtain."

"Angel. I'm not Liam. Not anymore."

Jack snorts. "It doesn't work that way you know."

"What's that?"

"You. You aren't your body, your memories, or your fucking khakis." What..? "You are a soul Liam. That vampire body you're riding around in is no different than a car. Or do you still call them horseless buggies?"

"I'm old not-"

"Fantastic! Then you know what a police squad car is? Good. You see Warden, everyone... human or vampire alike, is just a soul driving around in a single occupancy car body. But you? You're in a police cruiser with The Prisoner locked up in the back seat."

Once again my world reduces to darkness. This time from the thick curtain Jack drapes over me.

"Faaaiiith!" Despite the curtain muffling everything. I hear a series of loud thumping noises.

"Yeah, J?" Faith's voice. Spike must have turned her.

"Ready to help me load him back into the truck?"

"Sure thing."

"Great grab that end- err... hold on. I forgot something." The darkness rips away and Jack and Faith are looking down at me.

"Hey Liam! Ready for the ride home?" Faith asks me cheerfully... I can hear Faith's heartbeat!

She's still alive! Spike didn't..? Why would Spike of all people pass on a chance to bag a third slayer? Especially one that smells so deli-

I'm quashing my instinctive hunger when it hits me. What's been wrong this entire time. Jack smells like a vampire, but has a heartbeat.

It's slow, and it holds steady rather than racing when he acts excited or angry, but it's there. It sounds a little strange, mechanical almost... what the-

The tugging at my elbow comes again. I look down in time to see a small tube coming out of my elbow before my vision fades to black.


--- Crawford Mansion : Tuesday Night ---

I stare into the fire.

This makes no sense.

I look down at the papers Buffy brought me again.

Photocopies of the compilation of everything Buffy's friends can remember Jack having ever said or done.

Judging by the handwriting it's predominately Willow and Giles working on the project.

I pencil in that he can survive drinking vampire blood under 'unusual behavior' next to Giles' notation 'walks around in broad daylight.'

...

I can't quite suppress a shudder at the idea of a cannibalistic vampire, even if I know it would probably help keep the other vampires down.

I also add that he somehow convinced Spike, the self styled Slayer of Slayers, to leave Faith alone.

Family bonds surviving turning like that are rare. Usually goes the way Spike's did, with the young vamp returning home to turn or kill their remaining family. Not... running a halfway house for girls.

Family. I look over the listings again.

'His mother left just after he was born.'
'Everyone says she was crazy.'
'She called him an alien.'


Giles has the whole section circled and an arrow pointing to the question 'Drusilla?' Yes, Giles, I think Jack caught Dru's crazy. Okay, what if I treat this whole puzzle like Dru's babbling..?

That would make Faith- I hear a key in the door. Putting the papers back down on the table, I grab for my axe.

I need to change the locks.

Buffy walks in. She looks... Something's wrong. I drop the axe onto the couch and walk over to her.

She pulls me into a hug immediately. Something is definitely wrong. She's been keeping her distance since- I quash that train of thought and just enjoy the moment.

She smells like sunlight and hope.

"Angel? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Have you ever heard of slayers being shot by their Watchers?"

Giles... what have you done?
 
Interlude 12B – Faith in Family
***POV Faith***


---Sunnydale High Classroom : Monday 3rd Period---

I take my seat in Ms. Tenghast's reading class.

Usually it's one of my favorite classes. A super easy class, just like X-man said, we just read a bunch of books and sometimes have to talk about them.

Today... it means sitting next to X-man while he grumbles angrily about Jack.

"Seriously? Could ya not fuckin talk about my brotheh like that? "

"It's not your brother! It's a demon wearing your brother as a suit!" He hisses back at me.

"He is my-"

Ms. Tenghast's voice interrupts me from behind. "Hi, Faith." I look over as she walks into the room. Glancing back, X has his back to me now.

"Morning, Ms. T."

"You wouldn't happen to know if your brother has ever considered teaching, would you?"

"Oh. Uh... I dunno." I shrug. "We've nevah talked about it. He seems to enjoy his work at the hospital though, why?"

"I just watched him teach Mr. Bardunn's class. It looked like he had a fair bit of practice. Certainly one of the more entertaining math classes I've ever had."

"Oh, yeah. He does that a lot. He and Ames- Amy Madison- are always explaining stuff like that for me. Jack says he's just copyin a chemistry teacher he had once back home. 'Parently he was pretty good 'spite being a soulless monstah."

"Soulless monster?" Ms. T asks me while Xander suddenly sounds like he's choking next to me.

"Yeah, Jack says the guy was a Yankees Fan. Eurgch!" I only need to half fake the retching noise that accompanies such a bad thought.

Ms. T doesn't seem to appreciate just how awful the idea is though because she laughs.

"I gather you're a Red Sox fan then?"

"Damn strai- err- Sorry. Yeah, I am."

The bell rings and Ms. T smiles. "Well, let your brother know I enjoyed his class. I should start my own now though." I nod as she heads up to the front of the room.

"It's not your brother!"

"He is too! And don't give me that shit about him just thinkin he's the same guy that died. Jack knows he ain't-"

"Good morning, class!"

"Good morning, Ms. T."

"Today we're going to start the book, 'Dracula,' by Bram Stoker."

Beside me, X grumbles "Oh, great... more vampires."

"E-fuckin-nough already." This is the guy Dawn is so obsessed with? Christ-

"Xander? Faith? Is everything all right?"

"Just talkin 'bout vampires. X here thinks they all HAVE to be evil soulless monsters."

"And you disagree? I didn't realize you were an Anne Rice fan."

What's rice got to do with... anything? "Yeah... Sure... rice is okay." Except when Jack insists on mixing white rice with peanut butter. That shit ain't okay.


---Sunnydale High Hallways : Monday After 4th Period---

B grabs my arm as I'm walking to the cafeteria and pulls me into the bathroom.

"Shit, B. Let go of me."

Instead of her letting go I get pulled into a hug. "Ya know, B, this is how those rumors got started." I grin.

"You're okay?"

"Ya... Course I am." I tell the blonde hair that's still in my face. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Buffy pulls back a bit, hands on my shoulders. She stares at me with this cute wide eyed- "You- why? Spike's dangerous."

I roll my eyes. "The doofus that spent all Sunday on the couch drinking and arguing with Jack about history is dangerous. Pull the other one, B."

"They're vampires!"

"And Angel is what, exactly? I've lived with Jack for months and I'm fine... And if they're so 'dangerous' why did you let me leave with them?" Let me guess, too busy lookin after gramps?

"Angel needed-"

"Yeah. That's what I thought." I pull away and open the bathroom door. "Oh, by the way, just a heads up... That history I said they were arguing about? Was how many of us Slayers have been murdered by the watchers. You sure it's me that's in danger?"


---Sunnydale High Cafeteria : Monday Lunchtime---

I can hear Ames and Harm talking as I finally make it to our usual spot. "...Cordelia was trying to convince me that he's obviously evil and can't be trusted."

"Yeah. Willow tried to sell me the same crap after math today." Ames rolls her eyes. She spots me headed their way and waves.

I grab the open seat across from Ames and put my lunch down. "You guys getting the third degree too?"

"Oh Goddess, yes. Willow is convinced Jack has some sort of nefarious scheme involving that rail gun you two built." Ames pauses and looks at me funny. "You guy's can't actually destroy the school with it can you?"

"Not unless you can magic the school into somethin watermelon sized first. Maybe the next one we're planning? It should at least be able to put a hole in one of the walls."

"Next one?"

"...Yeah?"

"Why do you need to build more than one?"

"Because the school year goes until June? Because our current one is a pain in the ass to aim? Because... it's fun?"

"This is going to be like crossbow practice all over again isn't it?"

"Hey! I said I was sorry for that!"

Harms interrupts us both, waving her hand between our faces. "Crossbow practice?"


---Sunnydale High Classroom : Monday Last Period---

"Ah, Faith. Might I have a moment?"

"Is it about how Jack can't possibly be my brother, or has to be evil because he's a vamp?"

"Well, yes. I-"

I hold up my hand. "Then fuck off. I'm sick of hearin it. Christ, you people just don't fuckin get it do you? We're family. That actually means something to some of us, ya know?" I turn around and start walking towards the shop classes. "Besides, even if Jack went crazy, Ames would just set him on fire. She's gettin real good at that pyromancy shit."

...

I hear Giles stutter out one last, "Oh good Lord!" Then I'm around the corner and into the crowd.

I must still look annoyed when I walk into class a moment later because Jack's eyebrow goes up immediately, and he asks me; "Something wrong?"

"No... Yes-" I spot Willow walking through the door. Fuckin shit. Really? She's not even in this class. "I'll tell you later. Let's just make some watermelons go boom, okay?"


---Winter's Residence : Tuesday Afternoon---

I take a slow step back from the railing and walk back into my room.

Wow. Red and X-man? What the shit?

Taking out my phone and flopping down onto the bed I call Dawn. She'd want to hear about this, and it'll give me an excuse to check up on B.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Momma S."

"Oh. Hello, Faith. How are you doing?

"I'm good. Is The Dawnsteh around?"

"She should be. Hold on a moment." I can hear her calling Dawn's name in the background for a moment before Dawn picks up.

"Hi, Faith!"

"Hey, Dawnsteh."

We both pause and wait for the click of Mrs. S. hanging up before going any further.

...

"I got some bad news. 'Membah how I said your crush was actin like a toolshed at school?"

"...Yes." Comes the grumbled response over the phone.

"Oz just showed up at the house. I guess he walked in on Red and X-man having some kind of screaming match and one of them let slip that they've been messing around on the side."

"WHAT!? Oh my gawd. No! I don't- Xander wouldn't. Are you serious right now?"

I blink a few times. "Yeah. Sorry, I know you like him and all, but-"

"Have you told Harmony?" Oh shit. Yeah, she's gonna flip when she finds out she was right. I put Dawn on speakerphone and start typing a text to Harms. "...Oh gawd, does Cordelia know..?"

Pausing my typing, I sigh. Dawnsteh sounds all hopeful and shit. "Dawn-"

"Don't. I know. You can save the boys suck speech."

"It's not a fuckin speech." I laugh. "But okay. Besides, usually the problem is that they want us to-"

"EWWW! FAITH! OMYGAWD NO! LALALALALALA I'm not listening!"

While Dawn has her little freakazoid moment, I tap send.

TO HARM: 'Guess who's at the house'

"Are you done being gross?"

"It's not gross if you do it right."

FROM HARM: 'Leonardo Dicaprio'

... Why would Leo-

"Faith! Eww! I think I almost like it better when you're staring at my sister."

Aha! "How is B? We kinda had a fight yesterday and I haven't heard from her since."

"Oh Gawd. Buffy is being such a- Eurgh!" I finish my next text to Harms while Dawn takes a moment to calm down.

TO HARM: 'No Oz he broke up with w cause she cheated with x'

FROM HARM: 'Amy wants to know if you did your hw'

Seriously!? That's- Ames is such a dork.

FROM HARM: 'what'

FROM HARM: 'omg'

FROM HARM: 'cordy know'

FROM HARM: 'Im call c'

"Way seriously! She had a hissy fit cause I borrowed this shirt of hers. Apparently the little bit of milk I spilled on it was some kind of tragedy. Nevermind how often she's come home covered in blood, or that I helped her keep mom from noticing."

"Pfft. You think blood's bad? You shoulda seen this demon snot monstah thing I ran into in Iowa, right? Got this green goopy shit on everythin. I had to kill that outfit with fuckin fire. My favorite pair'ah pants too. I loved those pants, made my ass look-"

"FAITH!"


---Sunnydale High Cafeteria : Thursday Lunchtime---

"Math test today?"

"Tomorrow." Ames looks up from her text book. "And you have one in your Reading class next period don't you?"

"Yes, Mother." I grin at Ames's glare. "I read the book while watching Oz for Jack last night."

"Okay, just making sure."

"Yeah yeah, I know, you think I'm gunna go to college and- Hey, there's Oz." Oz walks into the cafeteria, and gets halfway to his usual table before he stops.

"Of course you're going to college. Why wouldn't you? And don't give me any more of that dying young bullshit."

"Yo! Oz! Ovah here!" I call out to him. He nods and starts heading this way. "It's not that. I just... don't like school. Why would I want more of it?"

"But college sounds like so much fun!" Harms says from behind me before sitting down on my right. "There's parties and sororities and you can live in- Hey... that's kind of what you guys do now isn't it?"

"Yeah! See... I already get the best parts of college. Why would I wanna deal with the fuss of classes?"

"You could major in music." Oz sits down next to Ames.

"Guys! Seriously. I don't wanna go to college."

"Then don't go." Jack adds as he sits on my left.

"She can't just not go to college! And how can you of all people say that, Mr. School-Is-Important?" Ames sounds so betrayed... I'm just gonna stay out of it. If Jack's willing to take Ames on over me not doing more school that's fine by me.

Jack shrugs. "Faith not graduating high school looks bad and gives the idiots in England leverage to undo her emancipation. Faith not going to college is her own decision. Plenty of people do alright for themselves without a college degree, and it's not like she needs a degree to work with us, unless... Okay, I suppose getting a black belt or sniper certified would be like going to college for Faith. We could always look into that."

That I can agree to. "That don't sound too bad. Kinda fun actually."

"Huh..." Jack looks over at Oz as though surprised to see him at our table.

"Oh. Hey, Oz. I talked to Mrs. Mendoza in the biology department, she was fine with me borrowing one of their microscopes. If you're still good for it we can go ahead with taking a look at some blood samples during a full moon."


---Sunnydale Roadways : Thursday Afternoon---

"I liked how things were before, you know?" Before B chose Angel instead of me.

Jack doesn't answer. After a few seconds of silence he groans and rubs his face as he stares at the intersection we stopped at silently.

The light turns green. Jack doesn't go. Something's wrong.

He turns to me and sighs, staring at me for another moment. Did I do something bad? "You do realize that Buffy probably doesn't swing that way right?"

...

"What the shit?"

"When you two get done sparring, she doesn't smell aroused. Well, not like you do anyway."

...

That's... kinda... Whatever, It's just skin. "Really? Damn."

"Yeah, don't get me wrong. She definitely enjoys rolling around on the mat with you, but I think she feels the same way about any good slaying."

"Well that sucks."

"Sure. Granted, If any girl has a shot at getting into Buffy's pants it's you." And now he sounds annoyed. I thought Ames was being ridiculous when she said Jack had a thing for me... but after listening to Spike mope for hours about his break up with their mother... "Or maybe Willow."

Oh. That makes more sense, of course he sounds annoyed when thinking about her. Jack and Red annoy each other by existing. "Red? Really? You think the girl that was fooling around with two boys at once is gay?"

"No, I know she's bi, but that's hardly important. I guess I'm trying to say I'd have your back... even if you tried to date Buffy." Jack scratches the back of his head. Ames says that means the next thing he says will probably be 'extra ridiculous' and only true if you squint at it really hard. "I just don't see... I mean, why Buffy of all people?"

Only true if you... oh. I snort. Jack likes B too? This could be fun.

"I dunno Jack, you tellin me you don't think she's hot? You don't just wanna bend her-"

Jack shudders theatrically and then starts laughing. "The joys of hate-fucking aside, it's more... plenty of the chicks in the psych ward are hot, but that doesn't mean I'd date them."

"B ain't crazy. She's just got this... I don't know."

"Yeah. She's a Slayer, you're a Slayer, I get it." And now he sounds annoyed again.

"... Would you be upset if I got with B?"

"Nah. I would however reserve the right to grouse with Joyce about the 'kiddos' getting together." He sticks his tongue out at me as he air quotes kiddos with one hand. "But I'd support you. Just... I'd stockpile chocolate for when things blew up in your faces. Buffy's track record with relationships is... colorful?"

...

"You think Mrs. S would be upset?"

"No idea. Maybe at first? I think she still wants grandkids. But I imagine she'd come around. It's part of that whole unconditionally stuff that comes with being family."

Jack pokes my shoulder just in case I missed what he meant about the two of us. A family that wants me. I... don't know how to do this part. Sex is just skin, but... feelings? "Aww..." I don't... what do I..? "Thanks, Mistah J."

I think he knows what I meant. Jack laughs happily like he always does whenever I go along with that batman nonsense he and Ames... love... to-

...

"Hold up! You can smell when a girl likes someone?"

"No."

"You just said-"

"I can smell when a girl is turned on. The rest is guesswork. But...If it happens whenever they look at or are with a certain someone it's not a very hard guess to make."

"So... You know Ames likes ya that way then?"

"Yeah."

I punch my idiot brother in the shoulder as hard as I can. "Then. Why. The. Fuck! Haven't you done anythin about it!?"

Said idiot brother inhales sharply as my fist breaks bone. We glare at each other while the little popping and grinding noises of his shoulder putting itself back together fill the silence.

As the last bone fragment clicks back into place, Jack sighs and his expression turns thoughtful.. "Honestly? I think it might be because I compare myself to our older brother too much."

...

"Huh? You mean that doofus that crashed on the couch?"

"Err... Doofus? I don't-" He shakes his head. "Not important. Amy and I- Okay. Look, you know she feels the same way about fire as she does me, right?"

I can feel my eyes practically roll themselves at that idea. "That's retahded. Ames does not wanna have sex with fire. She wants to boink you, dumbass."

"No, I mean...sure, but watching things burn puts her in the mood." Jack taps his nose. "To about the same degree."

"So she's a bit of a py-" Jack raises an eyebrow. "Fine... She's a total pyromaniac. So what?"

"I don't want to be lit on fire!"

"Why the fuck would she light ya on fire?"

"William and Mother have been together for over a century." He holds up his hand to stop me before I can tell him that ain't got nothing to do with this. "He's loved Mother, in spite of her... quirks... for over a century. Been devoted to her. And yet they still have their spats, they fight, they break up, they get back together."

"Again. So what? What've they gotta do with you and Ames?"

"Their fights were usually over one or both of them cheating on the other. William was born from a poet obsessed with love." He snorts derisively. "If he can't manage the straight and narrow for Mother, what hope do I have?"

"So what!? Christ, It's just skin. You and Ames are fuckin drivin me nuts."

"Know thyself, Faith. Know thyself. Can you really see Amy taking it well if she came home and found me with some other girl?"

"Not that Sun Tzu stuff again. God, It's just sex- err..." Ames said she wanted the whole 'dating' crap or whatever didn't she? "Okay, I guess Ames doesn't see it that way does she?"

"Exactly! You and I? We could probably manage just fine getting each other off and not being upset if I walked in on you and Buffy going at it. But I think Amy might be a bit possessive for that."

...

"Right... Ames is totally the possessive one. Also, dude! I'm your sister!"

"...so what?"

"So what!? Fuckin vamp logic." I start banging my head against the truck window in frustration.

...

The sound of shattering glass fills the truck as my window breaks. Shit, not again. I turn back to Jack and shrug apologetically. "...Oops?"

Jack just laughs at me before smiling and mussing up my hair. "Don't worry about it. I'll get it replaced."

I like that this time I'm more important than some stupid car. Mom's loser boyfriends have never felt that way.


---Winters Residence – Atrium : Thursday Late Afternoon---

Racing down the stairs with Ames I turn towards the basement to head for the gun safe. Shit. So much for them waiting til the dead of night.

"What the actual fuck..." Jack mumbles, sounding confused. He stops closing the door and continues looking at whatever's out there. His hand is on the pistol he keeps holstered in his back but he's signaling stand down.

"What is- who's that? He looks familiar..." Ames stares out the door thoughtfully while Jack's head whips around to stare at her. "Wasn't he singing at Caritas last week?"

"Oh... Yeah... I think so." Jack starts to relax. His hand stays near his pistol as he looks back outside though. Something is clearly bothering him. "Hello! Can I help you?"

I hear a dudes voice answer as I start walking back towards the door. Oz looks as confused as I feel. "I hope so. My name is Lindsey McDonald, I'm an associate with Wolfram and Hart. I'm looking for a Jack Winters."

Jack waves the rest of us back. "... May I ask what about?"

The voice apparently belongs to some guy in a suit who stops just outside the doorway and smiles at Jack. "I have some news about his father."

...

What the shit? Oh. He must mean Jack's dad's dad? Maybe? Fuck, vampire family trees are confusing.

Oz tugs on my sleeve and gives me a look. Sniffing the air, he glances back at suit dude. "I think that guy is one of the ones that broke in and bugged the place last month."
 
Interlude 12C – Splinter Groups
***POV Willow***


---Sunnydale High - Library – After Last Period Monday---

I race into the library. "Giles! This is horrible!"

...

I find him at his desk already polishing his glasses. "Yes. Quite. What is horrible, exactly?"

"Faith and Jerk have a rail cannon!"

"A what?"

"Oh! They're these things that use electromagnetism to launch..." Giles blinks at me uncomprehendingly. I glance at the horribly outdated 'dread machine' that he thinks is a new age fad. "It's... a big gun. No. I think you'd call it a small Artillery."

"Oh, good lord! And they brought it to school!?"

"Actually... They built it as a project in shop. Apparently Mr. Verstra helped."

"Bloody colonials. Have you people no sense?"

"Hey! I told you it was horrible. Don't lump me in with Jerk."

"Yes. I can see now how such distinctions remain important as the world dissolves into madness around us."

...

"Is there something wrong? I mean-"

"Besides Angelus' Return and Jack's newfound status as a some manner day-walking vampire?"

"Angel isn't-" I huff. "...Yes?"

"I'm not certain." Giles sighs and resumes polishing his glasses. "In the midst of angrily telling me to- well, to go away, Faith indicated that Amy Madison has become exceptionally proficient with Pyromancy."

"And that's of the bad?"

"Perhaps. Conjuration is one of the more difficult, and dangerous branches of magic. Dealing with the primal forces of the universe, and at such a young age, is incomparably dangerous." Giles stares at me for a moment.

"Hey! What's with the funny look, Buster?"

"Quite frankly, the only thing I can think of being more dangerous would be reaching beyond the boundaries of death. While you were concussed no less?"

...oh. "So, would this be a bad time to admit I've been having a hard time modifying the soul curse to work on Jerk?"

Giles reaches to remove his glasses before realizing they're still in his other hand.


---Sunnydale High - Library – After Last Period Tuesday---

I head toward the Library to meet Oz with his change of clothes for after the full moon. Walking in, I can hear Xander and Giles talking before I spot them at our usual research table.

"...and walking around again. Apparently Jack-" Xander stops talking as he looks up and glares at me. I guess he's still made about Angel.

"What did Jerk do now?" Giles starts and turns around. My best friend is being a poopyhead, but at least Giles looks happy to see me.

Xander answers before Giles can speak. "Fixed Deadboy up before I could make the-"

"Xander! I told you! He's not-"

"He's a vampire! He's Ev-"

"AHEM!" Jerk's voice comes from directly behind me. Heart lurching, I leap away and spin around to find Jerk smiling at me. "Thanks, Babs! You were kind of blocking the doorway." I scoot back and away as he walks right past me, no longer even acknowledging I exist.

"What do you want?" Xander snarls.

"Well... I was rather hoping we might have a nice civil chat, but I can see that I was being too optimistic." Jerk starts pacing around the room.

"What, in particular were you looking to discuss?" Giles reaches for his glasses, but then stops and puts his hand back down, keeping his eyes focused on Jerk.

"You giving me a heads up when the council hit squads start rolling into town." Hit squads?

"What could possibly make you think I'd help you?" What hit squads?

"Me? Nothing. You've dedicated your entire life to the genocide of my people." Jerk looks over and smiles at me. What..? I blink. Excuse you! That is NOT the same thing.

"Just what, then, are you trying to accomplish?"

"Well, I'd really rather avoid the hassle of a Knightfall situation." Huh? Night fall? Like after dusk?

"...What?"

"Ah..." Jerk walks up to the table. "Let me tell you a little story. It's the tragic tale of just what happens the day Batman dies."

Xander coughs, eyebrows shooting up.

Jerk twitches, lifting one leg. A battleaxe lifts up off the floor on his foot. We all step back as he catches it. Where did that even come from?

...

Looking under the table, Xander's dufflebag is on the floor. Xander..? Why did you have a battleaxe in your dufflebag?

"So..." Jerk begins, twirling the axe absently. "Alfred's sitting at home in the manor one night when the doorbell rings. He finds a panicked looking Harley Quinn on the doorstep holding Batso's corpse." Jerk pauses, slapping the axe handle into his free hand. Head tilted to the side he smiles at us like a deranged lunatic. "They found him this way. She swears they did. Harley brought him home hopin he could be fixed, even though she knows he can't. Knows he's gone."

"Are you threatening me?" Xander asks.

Jerk shakes his head sadly, before using the axe to point at Xander. "You see, her Puddin's always known Mistah Wayne was the Bat she says, but his fight was never with Brucey. It was with what he represented. A battle of ideologies if you will. The Bat stands for something. A symbol. He doesn't kill." Jerk shrugs. "So the Joker set out to make him break his own rule."

"What does that-" Yeah... I don't get what Jerk's trying to say either Giles.

"But! Mistah J went crazy she tells him. They took away his reason for being, so he had to find a new one. And oh, did he ever. Behind him Alfred can hear the breaking news reports start to talk about Harvey dent being found cut in half. Mistah J never was a very good detective you see, so he's decided to just kill all the suspects." Jerk holds the battle axes lengthwise between his hands. "If the Joker was willing to do that over losing his favorite opponent..."

Jerk flashes purple as he folds the steel battle axe between his hands.

"Imagine what I'll do if anyone tries to take a shot at Harley." Jerk glares at Giles.

"Wha?" Xander asks confusedly. He looks horrified. Who's- oh. Oh no.

"The council doesn't-" Giles starts to deny something but Jerk cuts him off.

"Or Buffy? Can't picture Travers taking the news that she's boinked the undead very well either. Tell me, Giles, what exactly are you planning to say when the girl that looks to you as a father finds out she's just a disposable asset? Will you tell her that your precious council doesn't condone her life choices before shooting her? Or will you polish your glasses so you don't have to watch while someone else does it for you?"

Tossing the bent battle axe on the table Jerk walks out of the library.


---Sunnydale Library – Moments Later---

"Xander! What we did has NOTHING to do with this. How can you even- Eurgh! Xander! No!"

"...Huh."

I turn around to see Oz walking out of the library. Oh no. How much did he hear? "Oz! Wait! Come back!"

I race out of the library but Oz is already down the hall turning the corner.

I hear Cordelia's voice before I round the corner, "Daddy? What do you mean, an aud-" But I'm moving too fast to stop and crash into her anyway. We go down in a tangle of limbs and Oz's extra clothes. "-Spaz much!?"

I scramble to my feet and look around. "Cordelia!? Have you seen Oz?"

"No."

"But he went right passed you!"

"So? I was a little busy talk- Daddy!?" Cordelia grabs her cell phone. "Hello? Sorry, Daddy..."

I don't have time for this. Oz must have left the school, I head out the main doors.

...

I'm just in time to see Oz's Van drive away.

I need to find him. Explain what happened. Explain- Oh no! It's the full moon tonight!


---Sunnydale High Hallways : Wednesday Before 1st Period---

As I close my locker I hear Buffy's voice behind me. "Wills?"

I spin around and pull her into a hug. "Buffy!"

"... Is something wrong?"

"I think Oz and I broke up."

"You... think... you broke up? What happened?"

"Xander and I had a fight."

"Oz broke up with you because you had a fight with Xander?"

"No- yes... No. Sort of. Xander and I... We kind of started..." Deep breath. I have to tell her. "We kissed. And then we kept kissing... And then I felt guilty, and we didn't tell Xander about Angel and I already felt guilty about that. So there was more guiltage. And then there was more illicit smooches to try and feel less guilty for lying to Xander but I just felt more guilty because of Oz. I just didn't know what to do."

...

"You could bake them a 'sorry I kissed you both' cake?"

"...Buffy..."

"Sorry. I tried."

"I know... I tried calling you last night but I kept getting a busy signal."

"Oh my god... Dawn was on the phone all night complaining to Faith about me freaking out on her over my favorite- Oh! Hey, I was going to go see Mr. Platt. You should come with me."

"You're still seeing him?"

"Not as often, but... I had this fight with Faith... And she said that a lot of Slayers are killed by their Watchers-"

"Jack tried to tell us that too-"

"Wills... Angel confirmed it. Jack wasn't lying."

Wasn't lying? But... "No. You can't- Giles wouldn't-"

"No. Not Giles... but it could be all 'pip pip cheerio! Off with her head!' in England like- like with Mrs. Post."

"They cut off her head!?"

"No- I mean, she was a watcher and she went all dark arts and... I don't know."

"So that's why you're going to see Mr. Platt? You think I should talk to him about Oz?"

"Yeah. He's good at listening, you know?"

"So I'm supposed to tell him that I made my werewolf boyfriend so angry that he ran away on a full moon? What if he ate someone? That- it'd be all my fault."

"He didn't eat anyone Wills."

"How do you know?"

"Dawn told me-"

"Dawn told you!?"

"Yeah she said Oz crashed in Jack's-"

"He's at Jerk's!?"

"Yeah, I know, I had Dawn ask Faith to look after him. He's fine. I saw him pull into the parking lot behind me."


---Sunnydale High - Cafeteria : Wednesday Lunchtime---

Running a bit late, but less than the others apparently, I slip into my usual seat across from Buffy. "Hey."

"How're you doing?"

"Better I- ...I see Xander and Cordelia." They're not running late, they're sitting at a different table.

"Yeah... they're sitting over there today."

"With Harmony?"

"I guess they're trying to convince her to stop... You know." Buffy taps two fingers against her neck. They do look like they're all arguing about something. Cordelia catches me looking at them and glares at me.

"Thanks for trying, but from the look Cordelia just gave me, I'm pretty sure they're just avoiding me."

"Sorry. If it helps, Xander's avoiding me too."

"It doesn't. But hey, at least maybe I'll have a chance to talk to Oz at lunch tomorrow?"

"That's the spirit!" Buffy smiles at me.

The downsides of being best friends with someone. You can tell when their cheerful is all full of forced.


---Sunnydale High - Parking Lot : Friday Before School---

"I still can't believe her. I was looking for her at the middle school for an hour! I called Mom thinking I'd lost her and she answers the phone all cheerfully like 'oh hey, Buffy.'"

"How did she get home?"

"She went out for ice-"

"Babs! Kara! Lovely morning, isn't it?"

...Really? My shoulders sag even as I turn around. Yup. Jerk is walking towards us with Faith and Amy trailing along behind.

"You!" Buffy yells, pointing at Jerk.

"Jerk... we don't feel like dealing with you right now. Can you just... go away?"

...

Jerk disappears in a burst of flame. Wha? Did I just?

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?"

"Faith! Calm down. She didn't-"

A hand grabs my shoulder and spins me around. Faith's fist-
 
... Yeah a very angry Faith punching the girl WHO DEFINITELY turned her favorite brother to ash would.... Well there's one less Apocalypse scenario in the future! HUZZAH!

In other news, apparently heads pulp abit differently to watermelons. We didn't know this before, but we know now! HUZZAH AGAIN!
 

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