Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Davos]

Leysritt knocks on the doors to the rooms, smiling with her head piece off, and humming an out of beat tune. Saber opens her door and looks at the smiling maid walk away with a pit in her stomach.

"…She never goes around like that." Illya says while looking at Leysritt.

"…Where's Sella?" Saber asks despite suspecting the answer.

Archer and Rider leave another room with a slow step and a yawn, locking eyes with Saber and Illya.

Emiya rubs the back of his head as Medea covers her face before vanishing.

"Perhaps we should reschedule again?" Medea asks, appearing in the hall.

"I don't think that would be wise given Gilgamesh's temperament."

"I doubt going there exhausted will be any- AH!"

Medea doubles over, looking up at a glaring Saber.

"Why the sucker punch?!"

"You left me alone with that torture last night!"

"It's not my fault you can't go into spirit form!"

"You could have helped!"

Rin and Kazuma look at the other, half sure the other is having the same thought of ignoring them and continuing despite, or because of, the yelling in the hall.

They decide instead to get dressed, Kazuma in his usual track suit, Rin in her usual outfit save for a longer skirt, both of them sneaking a look at the other before heading into the hall when a collective gasp rings out.

Heading over they see everyone looking into a room.

Inside said room, Lancer and Sella are sprawled on the bed, not moving.

"Oh My God, Lancer's been killed!" Kazuma shouts.

"So was Sella! But how?! They never-" Illya stops, her red cheeks growing redder between her fingers as the realization hits.

"...She did that?" Illya says aloud.

"Who did?" Kazuma asks with a warble as Leysritt comes back around the corner with a tray of food, coffee, and a funnel for forcibly making someone drink said coffee before heading into the room, eliciting a groan of dismay from Cu and Sella.

"…She truly does possess the strength of a B rank servant…" Rin says with vacant eyes as they all leave. They start walking quicker when a creaking bed is heard. Rin looks over at Saber who is staring at her.

"What?"

"I am simply shocked you are going out in public with the cornette." Saber says, making Rin gasp and paw at her head, finding nothing but hair.

Rin glares at a smugly smiling Saber.

Archer and Rider lag behind.

"Medusa…"

"…Yes Archer?" Rider asks.

"Thank you for not using your full strength on me." He says making the tall woman cover her face.

"Please don't thank me for that…and it's not like I could from those positions…"

"Still, thank you for the consideration."

"That is not consideration worth thanking me f-"

Warbling groans of despair and exhaustion from inside the room interrupts them.

"…You're welcome…Magical Baby Boy 2004~." Rider says with the biggest grin as Archer stammers for a reply.

They hurry back to the dining room and kitchen, enjoying a good meal, trying not to linger on their opponent's machinations.

===

"Father Kotomine, why is there such hateful metal music coming from the basement?" A follower asks when the chorus of an exceptionally violent sounding song plays.

"I've…given refuge to someone recently. They have had an issue with their anger lately." Kirei says.

"Guy's got good taste!" One teenager says before getting his ear pulled. He still does the horn of the beast's gesture despite the pain and scornful look of his parents.

"Mommy, should we really listen to this man talk about forgiveness when he houses a person who plays songs like this?"

"We talked about this dear! Stop pointing out the obvious flaws in other people!"

'If you were an orphan you'd be his lunch!' Kirei thinks behind a smile that grows stiffer when the volume increases.

His flock looks at each other, their silent concern palpable.

Kirei stealthily texts a message to Shirou.

"Kirei asks you to lower the volume or play something more fitting for church!" Shirou shouts with fingers in his ears.

"What?" Gilgamesh shouts, not quite hearing him; Shirou hands him the phone, grimacing at the impact from max level death rock on his unprotected ear.

"Tell Gil to turn down the music or put something more suited to church since it is leaking through the floorboards! My flock is growing uneasy!"

Gilgamesh scowls at the message before grinning as he goes to tinker with the music.

Kirei smiles genuinely at the music stopping.

His flock also relaxes.

Then the first few haunting notes of Toccata and Fugue play along with Gilgamesh's mad and joyous laughter.

''Original Hero' my ass, you are the 'Original Jackass'!' Kirei thinks with an eye twitch.


===

"It's an hour before the agreed on time. Why are we here?" Rider asks as they near the castle.

"Because after yesterday, they'll never see it coming and we need every advantage we can get." Kazuma says as they enter, all of them stopping when they see Shirou sitting in an ornate chair in the middle of the tarnished dining room.

"How completely expected of you; Did you really think Musashi's strategy would work after yesterday?" Shirou says while swirling a glass of wine.

"…Could have had seconds…" Saber mutters while looking at Kazuma.

"Not the time…!" Kazuma mutters back while looking around for the threat.

"Why so nervous, mongrel?" Shirou asks.

"…The Hell did you say?" Archer asks, fists balled with audible cracking.

"Is your hearing as defective as your ability to keep time?"

Archer responds by bringing out his short swords. Medusa grips his shoulder.

"Archer, calm-

"Did that strike a nerve…You Faker?"

"…What the Hell?" Archer says with an open mouth as Shirou stands up, suitcase in his other hand as he takes a sip.

"Where is-"

"Did I give you permission to address me, mongrel?" Shirou says, interrupting Rin.

"O-Oh…" She blushes, drawing troubled and annoyed looks from everyone on her side, notably Kazuma.

'Are you kidding me!?' Kazuma thinks.

Rin glances away.

'Excellent delivery young man! You have successfully strained them with only a few words.' Gilgamesh says in telepathy at Shirou, who tries to keep from grinning to maintain the look.

The only one not looking at Rin's primal reaction is Illya who is looking at Shirou, dressed in a well tailored black suit, the familiarity bringing up a memory from years ago when she was on Kiritsugu's shoulders.

"Daddy?" Illya says, drawing shocked looks all around and making Shirou drop the wine glass with wide eyes and a groan.

"Mistress?!" Sella shouts.

"She doesn't have bad taste…though a little young for me~." Leysritt says while looking at Sella and Cu, making them both shudder and pale.

"And you ragged on me how many times this week?" Rin asks.

"N-not your kind of daddy!" Illya says, now realizing the implication of her words.

'Abort, abort, I repeat, abort the plan Gilgamesh! I seduced the worst possible wrong person here!' Shirou thinks in telepathy, only getting an ecstatic telepathic laugh that becomes an audible uproarious laugh from the second floor, snapping everyone from their shock as he jumps over the railing and lands next to Shirou, now standing with regal bearing.

"I suppose it is about time we commenced with your slaughter…Don't you agree, Priest?" Gilgamesh asks and a dozen blades fly out from another floor, causing Kazuma, Rin, and Illya barely evade them.

The servants either smoothly dodge them or deflect them outright.

Leysritt grabs Sella and jumps up to the floor where the daggers were thrown, confronting the smiling priest who has more knifes in hand already. Sella stops Leysritt from charging in, a chill from Kirei's smile making her wary even as the sound of steel is heard below.

"…Why are you smiling?"

"Pardon me, I just found it amusing I get to kill another homunculus after this many years…I believe it was 10 years now since that night~." Kirei says, his words shocking and angering the maids.

Cu resists the urge to go up to the upper floor, now concerned with the myriad of weapons appearing behind Gilgamesh.

"Now…dance for me!" Gilgamesh says, and with a wave of a hand, unleashes a barrage of Noble Phantasms.

As the servants dodge and deflect the onslaught, marginally easier with Gilgamesh divided between them all, they start the plan.

"I am the bone of my sword…" Archer says while deflecting a spear for his head

"That….that chant!" Shirou mutters in shock.

"Steel is my Body and fire is my Blood."

'Not yet…Need to wait another moment!'

"I have created over a thousand blades=" Saber cuts a sword going for Archer's side before jumping away, drawing Gilgamesh's eye for a very needed moment.

"Unknown to death, nor known to life." Cu Chulainn kicks him out of the way from a barrage of cursed daggers. It was an agreed upon measure before hand, but it still annoys Archer to relive that moment.

"Have…withstood pain…To create many weapons…" He groans out.

"What in the world are you saying in the middle of your execu-Hm!?" Gilgamesh takes a step back as a chained dagger nearly hits him, fully drawing his ire on a smiling Rider.

"Yet these hands will never hold anything."

Medea fires a salvo at Gilgamesh, making him use Rho Aias before sending out chains to tie up Caster.

Rin throws a bag of gems at Gilgamesh. Even though she missed, it draws Gilgamesh's gaze upon her, making him stop.

"You! How in the world are you here?!" He shouts.

'How much longer Archer?! Wait…'

"Why are you so shocked I'm here? I'm a master!"

"Wait…You're the ward?!"

"So as I pray…"

'Now!' Kazuma thinks, raising his hand the same time as gears and swords overtake the castle.

"Unlimited Blade Works!"

"Steal!"

Archer fires a salvo the same time as the blinding light appears.

Each and every blade is matched and destroyed by Gilgamesh.

"Did you really think a little light would have saved you?" Gilgamesh asks, puzzled at their smiles.

The only one not smiling is Kazuma.

In his hands is a lacy pair of purple panties.

'What the Hell…It should have been that guy's ultimate sword! I even had Rin go commando to make this work so why…?'

"He…Hahaha!" Shirou laughs out loud before bringing out the suitcase and letting it fall open, showing rows of dozens of neatly folded panties.

"You face the entirety of Sakura's underwear drawer, the pinnacle of anti theft defense!"

 

[Davos]

"What?!" Archer shouts the same time as Kazuma and Rin.

Rider readies her dagger, a new target in mind.

Medea chokes against the tightening divine chains.

Cu Chulainn continues dodging weapons.

Gilgamesh pulls out EA at a languid pace.

"That was most amusing, but now it is time you all-"

Saber takes a running slash at Kazuma, making him scream.

"…What?" Gilgamesh and Shirou ask at the same time at seeing Saber try to murder Kazuma.

"Why?!"

"Your plan failed; If we are about to die, I will die with the pleasure of you fading on my blade!" Saber shouts.

"Isn't he your ally?" Gilgamesh asks.

"Not by choice!" Saber yells while trying to hit Kazuma, his auto evade barely dodging Saber's frenzied strikes.

"Isn't this against your philosophy? Chivalry and all that?"

"If you want to see the full extent of my chivalry, then continue choking Caster so she does not stop me."

"Did you forget about me?!" Cu says, standing between Saber and Kazuma, before starting a fight in earnest.

"I am in no mood for the squabble of lesser-." Gilgamesh is cut off when he sees Saber violently slam a metal boot into the Child of Light's crotch, eliciting cries of horror from the maids a floor above, and unwanted sympathetic grimaces from all the men present.

Even Kirei frowns while still holding back Leysritt's spear as the Hound falls to his knees

Gilgamesh however finds himself staring at Artoria, stunned, intrigued, and another feeling he has not felt as often.

"Saber, I want to kill Kazuma too but- Ah!" Archer narrowly avoids a spear.

"Let the King of Knights do as she pleases!" Gilgamesh proclaims, making Shirou look at him flatly.

The flatness flattens further when he brings out a bag of popcorn.

"Steal!" Kazuma says in desperation, but instead of purple panties, he gets white.

Saber starts charging up her Noble Phantasm.

"…Seriously Kazuma?" Rin asks.

"It's random!"

"I can't believe he stole her underwear again…" Shirou says while eating some popcorn.

"He stole that before?" Gilgamesh asks while nonchalantly deflecting Archer's barrage.

"EX-"

"AHHH!" Rin and Kazuma scream while hugging each other.

"CALIBUR!"

The beam of light goes directly for the pair of them.

When it fades, they are gone, and Saber smiles, taking a deep breath before turning the blade on herself.

"Saber no!" Gilgamesh shouts.

She ignores him and is about to plunge the blade when she hears an insufferable pair of laughing. She looks up and sees Cu Chulainn holding both masters in each arm, one panting hard, the other spinning her underwear with smart aleck grin.

Cu has a light rune cooked potato in his mouth that disappears a second later.

"I have finally eaten a potato! Your doom is guaranteed Goldy!"

Gilgamesh looks at Shirou for an explanation.

"Kazuma planted a potato garden that has a lot of mana."

"Oh, that was why you blew it up?" He asks before noticing Archer is within arm reach of them, his twin blades raised and ready to strike them down in a desperation.

"Archer…"

"Now you-" Archer is interupptted by Gilgamesh's boot connecting with his head in a crisp pivot.

"Kick!" Gilgamesh shouts, sending Archer flying.

A moment later the reality marble vanishes.

"I think that was your best one yet."

"It was. Who knew I had to stop thinking about posing to get the best effect?"

'Oh this is bad…' Kazuma and Rin think as Cu drops them off.

"You bastard!" Rider shouts and a moment later neighing is heard.

"What the- a Pegasus?!" Gilgamesh shouts as the beast and Rider converge on him. Gilgamesh tries to skewer but is stopped by another barrage by a grinning and half conscious Archer.

"Gae Bolg!" Cu Chulainn shouts, extra energy emanating from his spear as the shot goes towards them.

A moment later the Pegasus whines horribly before veering off course crashing to the ground. Rider kneels next to it, gasping and pushing against the gaping wound at its heart.

"Cinnamon?! No!" Rider shouts with unusual emotion, making Archer and Kazuma glare at Cu.

"This is better than television…Did you just kill your ally's mount and save us?" Gilgamesh asks with an open mouth while chaining up a crying Medusa.

"…When there are multiple possible targets it's sometimes randomized." Cu says as Archer approaches with clenched fists.

"Potato. Now."

Cu hands over a potato before getting slugged and falling to the ground.

"I'll remember that!" Leysritt shouts while trying o stab a weaving Kirei.

Archer turns around and swallows the potato in three bites.

Unlimited Blades Works appears once more.

Archer approaches Gilgamesh while holding Rin by the scruff of her neck.

"Archer?! What are you-"

"Don't make me look at her…" Gilgamesh says with closed eyes.

"Why not? This is Kirei's ward, Rin Tohsaka, the one you had so thoroughly corrupted over the years!"

"No…No! It can't be! She looks too much like her!" Gilgamesh shouts with open eyes, now fully looking at Rin.

"What, do I look like your ex?"

Gilgamesh gags at the question and summons a holy vomit cup from his treasury for use.

"This is no time for seasickness Gilgamesh!"

"…I'm truly cursed…"

"This is an even worse time for an existential crisis!"

Rin frowns despite the fortunate turn around.

Archer frowns when his latest salvo is deflected.

"I am the bone of my sword…" Shirou says.

'How dare you use Unlimited Blade Works against me!' Archer thinks with a scowl.

"Steel is my resolve, and fire is my judgment."

'Wait…what?'

"I have culled over a thousand mongrels."

'Oh that little-' Archer thinks with a scowl as more blades are countered in mid flight.

"Unknown to death, nor known to life~." Shirou says with the slightest of grins.

"You son of a-"

"Steal!" Illya shouts, and after the light fades, she is holding Shirou's dress jacket and shirt, leaving him half naked.

"O-o-oh!" Rin says, drooling while still dangling in Archer's grip. Archer covers his head while Kazuma glares. Illya is scarlet and trying to explain she is not a pervert.

"…Withstood pain…to create order…" Shirou says with red cheeks while avoiding eye contact.

"This has to be one of the worst timelines…"

"And these hands will hold everything!"

"Steal! Steal! Steal!" Kazuma shouts repeatedly, taking many pairs of purple panties, including another white pair and a saucy red pair, eliciting groans of anger from Medea and Medusa.

"Sorry!"

"So as I fight…Unlimited Babylon Works!"

'How dare you not use Unlimited Blade Works against me!' Archer thinks in growing rage as half the reality marble changes from wasteland with clockwork gears and swords to an oasis with swords and guns.

"You face unlimited arms, the ultimate armory!"

"I never thought I could be angrier with you before this week…but my fury can no longer be contained!" Archer shouts before tossing a smiling Rin aside and beginning an earnest clash with Shirou.

Kazuma catches Rin and begins trying to think.

'I've gotten out of bad situations before…what can I do!? Wait…what would I do if my party was here? No, that's a stupid question…Megumin would cast Explosion, Darkness would directly into an attack and Aqua would cry while casting- THAT'S IT!' Kazuma thinks before reaching with his hand.

"…How many of my sister's panties do you want?"

"Sacred Steal!" He says and an even greater light fills the room, blinding everyone present.

This time, in his hands, aren't panties…

But an urn.

"What the Hell?"

"How the Hell did you get that?!" Shirou and Shirou shout at the same time.

"What is it?" Kazuma asks.

"My adopted father's ashes!"

"Oh…this is worthless!" Kazuma says before chucking it as hard as he can.

The sheer shock from such an act breaks both reality marbles.

"The sacrilege!" Kirei shouts.

"That is just wrong…" Gilgamesh says, finally recovering.

"You really are a-" Rin stops when she sees Kazuma pale and focusing on something in the distance. Looking in that direction Rin sees her too and stammers.

On the third floor, now covered in ashes with the urn resting atop her purple hair is Sakura, looking first at a half naked Shirou holding a half empty suit case of her underwear, then at Kazuma surrounded by the other half of her underwear with Rin next to him.

"…You really are worse than Shinji." She says as her eyes go red and her hair starts turning white.

"Oh no…" Archer mutters.

 

[Davos]

"I'm worse than Shinji?! How the Hell can you say that?!" Kazuma shouts with the entirety of his soul.

"Kazuma, if you ever listen to anything I say, let it be now-" Archer starts but flinches when he hears Sakura slam a fist into railing above, making it shatter.

"Are you seriously feigning offense when you are swimming in the underwear I had to replace!?"

"Kazuma! Do not anger her anymore than she is now and we may still-"

"That is not my fault! I can't control this skill!"

"So using it is out of your control too?!"

"Kazuma! Stop being yourself!"

"Why are you so concerned about this random young woman when I am here?" Gilgamesh asks.

"That's because-"

"I don't have many options here!"

"Oh really?!" Sakura shouts back with a double armed gesture to all the servants.

"Two are tied up, one is insane and wants to kill me, another can't stop her and lead to one being tied up and- Oh why am I even bothering trying to explain this to a dumb bitch like you!?"

"Hey that's still my sister Kazuma!" Rin says putting Kazuma in a headlock.

"Little late to be protective!" Sakura says, half her hair white now.

"Oh Gods, there's a second one…" Gilgamesh mutters, biting back bile.

"Kazuma! Please do not say anything else that will-"

"Your sisters hotter!" Kazuma shouts, and Sakura's hair becomes fully white.

Archer bangs the flat of his blades against his head.

"This is beginning to bore me." Gilgamesh says before shooting a spear into Sakura, eliciting a cry of furious horror from Rin.

"It's too late; you should have done that sooner." Archer says.

"Archer!?"

"You don't understand Rin. Of all the timelines I went through, Sakura is the worst enemy."

"How is she the worst opponent you faced? I am right here!" Gilgamesh says.

"She kills you in the other timelines. She is the bearer of the grail and can devour servants or create blackened versions of them." Archer says.

"And why would I believe-"

"HeheheHa hahaha!" Sakura continues laughing while standing back up, her wound already healed as she absorbs the spear for mana.

"…This is worse than what happened with that screaming knight."

"I'm a Counter Guardian and relived this war dozens of times now. Whenever she gets like this it leads to all our deaths."

"…Shirou."

"On it." Shirou says and places a hand on Gilgamesh's shoulder.

"Lurk." Shirou says and they both vanish. Medea and Medusa fall to the ground now.

"…Is everyone just stealing my playbook?" Kazuma asks as Sakura walks toward them.

"You will be the first to die Kazuma~."

"Like Hell!" Archer says.

"You will do no such thing!" Saber says.

"That is not your act to enjoy." Gilgamesh says, breaking Shirou's lurk.

"The Lord may work in mysterious ways, but you are not one of them, Sakura Matou."

"Because…" Shirou trails off before finishing along with everyone else.

"I will kill him!"

"…You sure have a funny way of bringing people together…" Rin says.

"By my command seal, you will not stop me from using my Noble Phantasm!" Saber shouts before looking at Illya.

'How does she have command seals?!' Gilgamesh and Shirou wonder, the shock.

"Illya, get behind me." Saber says before she charges up her sword, and launches the beam of light at Sakura, taking out that side of the wall; Leysritt lands nearby with Sella and both glare at Saber.

Kirei meanwhile lands elsewhere.

Then Saber raises her sword again, drawing energy once more, making Medea groan.

Then she raises it once more.

"I don't have that much mana!" Medea shouts as a giant black mass forms behind Sakura.

"I know!" Saber says with a smile.

"By my command seal un-"

"EXCALIBUR!"

"GAHHH!"

Saber stop! You're killing Medea!" Rider shouts.

"That's the plan!"

"But why!? She's a good person!"

Saber stops in her tracks and looks at Rider.

Rider raises her dagger, unnerved by the smiling knight.

Rider gets entangled by a black tendril and pulled towards Sakura.

Archer tosses his short swords at the tendril as well as a dozen blades, but it barely slows the pull, instead speeding up as Medusa is pulled all the way to Sakura.

A moment later, a great groan is heard and Sakura falls to her knees, not moving, and giving them a brief moment to act freely.

Archer starts for Saber but stops when she raises her blade again, barely dodging the latest use of her noble phantasm.

Sakura and the mass are still standing, but regenerating more slowly as the mass expands after taking Rider in attempting something.

"Gah…not…how I wanted to…At least I'll remember this week…and you…Elizabeth~." Medea says with a pained grin as she vanishes, making Saber's eye twitch once more, and Kazuma salute her. Rin looks at him flatly.

Sakura is still standing and grinning.

Archer grabs Saber.

"The Hell is wrong with you!?"

"She said so something so absurd I couldn't move~."

"…If you want absurd, then-"

Archer leans in and whispers to Saber one of his most fondly thought of night with her and Rin.

Saber looks at him wide eyed.

"You're lying…!"

"Am I?" He asks and Saber groans and starts gagging. A golden cup vomit cup appears next to her feet.

"I thought you would need this…This Archer is excellent at disgusting guerilla tactics upon one's psyche." Gilgamesh says, and after a moment of hesitation, Saber uses the cup.

Kazuma takes out three potatoes and lightly cook them. A moment later Cu stands back up from the smell and eats one along with Kazuma and Rin.

'Oh I leveled up…Doubt I can learn anything that will… wait…'

Gilgamesh and Shirou appear once more, and Gilgamesh raises EA.

"As vengeance for killing me in another timeline, and for claiming my kills, I will destroy you with-"

Archer raises his hand towards Gilgamesh.

'Not like it can hurt.'

"Steal!" Archer says and after the light fades, he finds himself holding EA instead of Gilgamesh.

"Oh my God it actually worked…!"

"Mongrel!" Gilgamesh shouts with true fury.

"But how?! A major part of how 'steal' works is the users luck and I thought yours was crap!" Kazuma shouts.

"Maybe my luck is turning around?" Archer asks with a cocky one eyed grin and a shrug of his shoulders.

A metal clanging is heard when his hand holding EA melts away.

Archer screams from the pain nearly blinding him.

Gilgamesh laughs.

"As expected, this is what happens when a mongrel dares grab EA!" He says before taking a step to the weapon.

"Bind!" Kazuma says, pinning Gilgamesh's arms to his sides.

For a second until he cuts it with a dagger.

"Bind!"

"The same trick won't work ag-" Gilgamesh stops when he sees rope around EA. Kazuma pulls it back to him, drawing a wide eyed glare from Gilgamesh.

Shirou pulls out his gun.

Gilgamesh summons his gate.

Saber stands aside, pulling Illya along with her, drawing confused looks.

"I want him dead too."

Gil and Shirou don't need another answer, and fire away.

Their shots are cut down by beams of magical energy.

"Is she awake already?!" Gilgamesh mutters before looking towards the black mass, finding Medusa is out of the mass with a brand new body.

A surplus of scales along her body, legs replaced with a snake's body, dull yellow wings, and snake heads for hair whipping about, ready to shoot out more beams.

"You will not harm him…" Medusa says in a growl.

"You would defend this deplorable man?" Gilgamesh asks, reaching for EA out of habit before realizing it is still tied up.

"Not him…Him." Medusa says, gesturing to Archer.

"What? Why?" Shirou asks.

"I know why…but I didn't expect you to recall that after going in there…" Cu says.

"Not like I can forget~….Though I would understand why no longer share such-" Medusa stops when Archer begins walking towards her.

"What? But I'm-"

"You were always taller than me. As far as I'm concerned, nothing has changed~." Archer says, and Medusa blushes, bringing a snake to cover her face.

"…What?" Sakura says in disbelief.

"…I am truly fortunate to have met you Shirou Emiya." Medusa says with the most sincere of smiles.

"What?!" Shirou shouts in shock and horror.

"Oh right…you never did learn who I am. I am a fool who made a deal with Gaia to be a hero, and my name is Shirou Emiya. I am your future~!" Archer says as he is picked up gently by a dozen or so snakes towards Medusa.

Shirou points the gun at his own head.

Gilgamesh stops him.

"Shirou no! He is obviously lying!"

"You dream of that fire from 10 years ago most nights."

"That is just applying basic biographical details!"

"You spent an inordinately long time trying and failing at high jump years ago."

"He probably got that information from Shinji or the tart of a ward!"

"Martha Stewart is one of your idols."

"It is not shameful to admire a master of their craft!"

"You have taken to enjoy doing Taiga's laundry for unsavory reasons." Shirou says, making Shirou groan.

"Milfs are a venerable fetish found throughout the world across all ages!" Gilgamesh says with an outstretched arm.

"It's true!" Kazuma says with a thumbs up and a sparkle in his eye, making Rin crack a knuckle.

"Shut up mongrel!" Gilgamesh and Shirou shout at the same time.

"I think I'm gonna be sick…" Sakura says as a vomit cup appears near her from Gilgamesh.

"This will be the only kindness you receive from me." Gilgamesh says before pushing Shirou out the way as Kazuma swings the rope tied EA, smashing it into Gilgamesh's face with a satisfying crunch and sending the King of Heroes staggering a few steps.

"As thanks for your kindness, I'll make your death quick~."

Tendrils loop around Gilgamesh and pull him towards Sakura, already devouring his spirit. Despite the pain, Gilgamesh manages to open his Gate of Babylon in two locations. The first is near Shirou, looping a spear shaft into his belt loop and send him flying at a great speed away from this fight.

"You bastard…!" Kirei mutters.

The second is directly above Sakura.

"If you think me easy prey without my most trusted confidant…then you will realize the magnitude of your mistake here and now!" Gilgamesh shouts as his armory is emptied onto Sakura and the black mass, each weapon's speed distorting its appearance to look like shooting stars, the force of each stab akin to an artillery shot, Sakura's surprised screams a constant undertone as she hurries to devour Gilgamesh before succumbing herself.

Kazuma stands up and locks eyes with Illya. They nod and she tugs on Saber's sleeve.

"My will creates your body…" Illya says.

"…And my sword your destiny." Saber says as seals appear on Illya's hand.

Kazuma swipes on his adventurer card, learning a new spell before reaching out with his hand.

"Crimson flames of another world heed my call!" He starts and a massive circle appears overhead.

"Ex-"

"As I pray-"

"Incinerate my opponent with the breath of a distant giant!"

"I am not taking all of these Noble Phantasms direct- GAH!" Sakura finds herself unable to move. First by the chains of Enkidu…

Then by Medusa's Mystic eyes.

"What?! Why?!" Sakura mutters out before glancing over at Archer.

"…Are you kidding-"

"CALIBUR!"

"Unlimited Blades Works!"

"Explosion!"

The clash of otherworldly magic and Noble Phantasm, even as Gilgamesh's gate closes from being finally devoured sends a shockwave felt even in the city.

The black mass is gone when the dust fades.

But Sakura is still alive, though barely standing despite her grin.

"My…All that, and you only got me to the point where I could die now with the defenses around my heart weakened…Good thing there is plenty of food~."

"…You are the only good thing in this timeline Medusa."

"Likewise Magical Baby boy…"

Kazuma falls forward onto the ground.

Saber finds herself breathing heavily now as she hands Illya to Leysritt and Sella.

Cu stands up.

"Your heart, you say?" He asks and his spear glows. Everyone feels a moment of panic at the thought their fate is in Cu's hands with his Noble Phantasm.

Sakura feels a moment of panic as she shoots tendrils out at the nearest person.

Only for a magical wall of chalk to repel her reach.

"Wha?! Who are you people?!" Sakura shouts as four pairs of steps are heard.

"I'm just an easy going shopkeeper saving her best customer."

"Wait…Gudako?!" Kazuma asks, still face down on the ground.

"Oh my God…" Cu says.

"What is it? I can't move a muscle after that spell…" Kazuma says and Rin pulls him up to look at the four people. The first two are the shop owner siblings, then a girl with short purple hair and a huge shield, and finally a tall woman in a tight purple suit with purple hair and a spear identical to Cu's.

"How are you here Master?!"

 

[Davos]

"I'm with her." The purple haired woman says in an even tone while gesturing to the grinning red head girl.

"Wait, you're a master? Since when? And ho-" Kazuma is held up by his neck by Cu.

"Whatever you do, do not use that spell. The only one I can think of that could stop Scathach's rage would be Goldy, whatever the Hell Sakura is now, or a God, and it is still a toss up!" Cu whispers wide eyed at Kazuma.

"…I know you're saying this out of concern, but part of me wants to try it now…"

"Kazuma!"

"Now I'm interested in this spell. Would you mind a friendly duel later, young man? You can even include my pupil if you wish…if what I heard is true, he sorely needs reminders of the fundamentals~." Scathach says, making Cu pale.

"We should deal with the singularity first Scathach." Gudao says.

"I know, but it is hardly worth the effort with how damaged she is now…in fact…" Scathach trails off, looking at Cu now.

"She should be at the proper point of vulnerability for you to show me you haven't entirely slacked off Setanta…I have heard about how inept you became the last two weeks." Scathach says with a slight smile that chills Cu more than the thrashing from a darkened Sakura against the magical walls.

"…Don't you think that is a little too much pressure?" Kazuma asks.

"The Hound performs best with the threat of death over his head." Scathach says as Cu looks for a sturdy piece of pillar for tying himself to.

"Indeed he does, Sella too." Leysritt says, puzzling Scathach when Sella glares at Leysritt.

"…My defenses won't hold forever Senpai."

"I know Mash, but Scathach is…well being herself." Gudao says.

"You heard her Cu. Show us what you got!" Gudako says with crossed arms.

Cu looks at Kazuma.

Kazuma nods and uses a command seal to empower Cu, making the glow of his spear brighten, appearing like a small sun in his hands as he lowers himself. Taking a quick breath he launches his ultimate attack, the red line going straight, then zig zagging until it goes for it's target.

"Gae Bolg!"

"AHH!"

Sakura falls backwards, and fades into ashes.

Rin looks on quietly as a grail appears, floating above said ashes.

Everyone starts to stir when Gudako grabs the grail and tosses it into a small bag that doesn't increase in size.

"Wait…what are you going to do with that? Isn't that thing corrupted?" Kazuma asks.

"Long story, but yes and no, and I can use it without risk."

"…You're not just a depraved shopkeeper are you?" Kazuma asks.

"How can you ask me that, Kazzy? I'm hurt!"

"She is depraved though." Gudao says, getting a frown from Ritsuka.

"I'm just a healthy young woman."

"You're the catalyst of my misery…?" Saber mutters with needle point eyes.

"You didn't like the outfits?" Ritsuka asks, prompting Saber's sword to glow.

"EX-"

A circle appears around Saber, making her stop.

Saber fades away, and a rip in the air forms.

"I…I'm too late to help aren't I?" Eris asks.

"You stopped Saber. That's plenty Eris!"

"I didn't quite stop her so much as…well, fixing a few mistakes that got through the cracks."

"As busy as ever Eris…Unlike that blue one that you allow to control you." Scathach says.

"L-Lady Scathach?! Did something happen in your domain?"

"No, I am a servant at the moment."

"That's surprising…"

Kazuma looks towards Cu.

"Master is ruler of another realm and became semi divine and semi immortal as well. She likely met a few deities over the years."

"…I thought you were a warrior from a few centuries ago?"

"I am. I'm also part divine."

'…Is everyone in this war divine?...wait, does she still want to do that duel?'

"Hello again Eris! Are any of those loose ends related to the mini singularity?" Gudao asks.

"This was a mini one…?" Kazuma asks.

"No, it's more soul logistics and cleaning up Gaia's sloppiness…" Eris says before a circle appears around Emiya, making him vanish.

Medusa is stunned for a moment before shooting a beam into the hole, eliciting a scream.

"Eris!"

"I'm fine…she hit Artoria."

Medusa fires again.

"EX….Calibur?"

"You can't use your weapon here!"

"Why not!?"

"Do I really have to- I'll contact you later Kazuma…By the way, you can die normally now, that issue was fixed!" Eris says and the rip fades.

"What perfect timing." Scathach says before raising her spear towards Cu Chulainn and Kazuma.

"…I think we're a bit too tired to properly challenge." Kazuma says.

"I doubt you could give me a challenge even at your best. But leaving my student alone after hearing those reprehensible failures would be remiss of me, and I am curious about this skill of yours that has him in a panic."

"I'm out of mana…"

"Don't you know a lich skill that can remedy that problem?"

"…How do you know about that?"

"I can see it in your mana…that said, I am surprised you have such a twisted individual as a master Setanta."

"Circumstances…"

"I see…be that as it may, you will not escape this training." Scathach says before stepping into a stab for Cu's chest. The point still draws blood as he deflects it, leaving a red mark against his blue suit as he responds with a counter slash to push Scathach back for breathing room.

She is already slashing back at him, making him retreat while evading and countering against her crisp heavy blows. Cu side steps a blow using his spear as a jumping aid for more distance, evading Scathach's blow that shatters the pillar he was going to use to tie himself down.

"How have you survived this week?" Scathach asks, slowing when Kazuma raises a hand towards her.

"Kazuma no!"

"I don't fear courting death!" Kazuma says, looking at Rin with an annoyance.

"You get to look at me like that!"

"Steal!"

After the light fades, Kazuma gasps with everyone else at what is in his hand.

It is Scathach's bright red spear.

"Impressive!" She says with a smile before summoning another one into her hand.

"…You have more than one?" Kazuma asks, looking away from Rin's needle point glare as the implication of this steal becomes apparent to him, horrifying Cu Chulainn, and making Medusa stare flatly.

"Yes. I can summon dozens for an anti army attack if I wish."

'…You can do all that while going commando?' Kazuma thinks with a stiff grin.

Gudao, Mash, and Scathach look at him puzzled.

Gudako grins with a suspicion but remains quiet.

Then a light surrounds Medusa as she starts to fade.

"…My current form must take up too much mana to maintain…a shame. As a parting gift, the priest is over there." Medusa says and Cu dashes over.

"What did this holy man do to annoy Cu so much?" Scathach asks.

"Killed his original master, tried to forcibly make him his servant, and if Emiya was speaking truthfully about the Counter Guardian and multiple timeline part, made him a scout and killed him at some point."

"…I see." Scathach says with a frown before going towards the sound of screaming.

A moment later the screaming hits a new height as instructions on how to stab without killing someone are told.

"…I'm surprised she believed that…" Rin says.

"She met with Gaia before in her realm and Emiya back at Chaldea." Gudao says.

"Chaldea?"

"Basically an organization that saves the world." Gudako says.

"By…selling kinky clothes?" Kazuma asks.

"That…was Senpai's idea in this unusual singularity." The purple haired servant says.

"We needed a cover, and you two refused to be models!"

"I was not going to have that talk with Scathach!" Gudao says.

"She was fine with wearing a bikini before!" Gudako says.

"That was during an uninhabited island singularity!"

"Do you have pictures?" Kazuma asks, prompting Rin to pull his ear.

"Yes~! How much are you willing to pay?" Gudako says, making Gudao pull her back.

"She's going to be an insufferable merchant for weeks now…" Gudao mutters.

The screaming ends.

Master and student returned covered in blood and smiling.

"Just like the Cu back in Chaldea." Gudako says.

"What?"

"We summon servants to help."

"…Are there positions open?" Rin asks.

"Not sure in this timeline, why?"

"I…think I just inherited my caretaker's debts and need employment." Rin says with vacant eyes and a shudder.

"I know how you can make some money~." The red headed girl says with a smile while looking Rin over before being pulled away by both Mash and her brother.

"Isn't helping people part of our mission?!"

"This is exactly why we are on a police watch list Senpai…"

"How was I supposed to know that purple haired girl was a student?!"

"She was in uniform sis."

"She could have been a teacher! You were looking at her too!" Gudako says, making Gudao look away.

"This is why she ran this way uon seeing you after that day of repeated solicitations…"

"Wait, you scared Sakura into coming here?!" Rin and Kazuma ask at the same time.

"Was that her name?" Gudako asks.

"She was right here…"

"She was? Where?"

"…She was the one with white hair." Illya says, making the trio blanche.

Scathach chuckles.

"…You dumbasses almost killed us…!" Kazuma says.

"…I'll give you a discount?" Gudako offers before Kazuma grasps her shoulder with a sincere smile.

"I know how you can repay us…Leysritt-"

"On it, 'Scumbag Supreme'! Leysritt says before hoisting Gudako onto her shoulder.

Mash and Scathach raise their weapons.

"I know she caused some trouble, but I cannot let you kill her."

"Oh, I'm not going to kill her."

"Then what are you going to do?" Mash asks.

Kazuma explains, shocking everyone.

Then he starts reasoning with them, slowly winning them over with the sweetness of revenge, justice, or money.

"The matriarchy will remember this betrayal brother!" Gudako says while being carried away.





===

"I believe the negotiations are done now…Is everyone happy with these- uh…" Eris trails off when she sees the grown tanned man hunched over and crying.

"Finally…no more wet work! And I didn't have to kill myself!"

"Wow…I'm so happy for you." Artoria says in utter monotone.

"It's not my fault I didn't know there was such advances from humans…" Gaia says in spirit form.

"It is entirely your fault!"

Gaia hides behind her invisible hands at the three yelling at her.

Archer sighs and sits back with a smile.

"God damned shut in…"

Gaia starts crying.

'I wonder how Rin is doing?'



===

"You sure you don't want to watch?" Kazuma asks as Gudao leaves

"I would have before you picked that outfit…" He says.

"You don't think its fitting?"

"She's still my sister. Besides I know Mash and Scathach will keep things under control."

"Alright."

Kazuma goes back inside and freezes at the sight before him.

"…I was never supposed to be the waifu…" Gudako says sullenly while looking at the bunny girl outfit she is wearing.

But striking as she is, that is not what has Kazuma in a stupor.

"I do not see why you are complaining. This is surprisingly easy to move in!"

Scathach the bunny girl is what has him transfixed.

Mash has a hand at her head.

Rin stares flatly at Kazuma.

Leysritt steps out in a bunny outfit of her own.

Sella grimaces and leaves the room with a pale Cu and traumatized Illya.

He holds up a large bag with a dozen outfits.

She blushes while staring with clenched fists.

He holds up another bag with a dozen outfits for him to wear.

She widens her eyes and asks him a silent question.

He answers by crossing himself.

She smiles and helps him take pictures.

===



After playing peacemaker and sending both heroes on their way, Eris begins looking for Kazuma to bring him back.

"Ok…that should be enough time for them to say their goodbyes. I'll just go and-"

"You're just an irredeemable sinner, aren't you?~"

"I'm sorry father, I just can't hold this hunger back any longer~."

Eris closes the rip with red cheeks as a sound she shouldn't hear starts, setting an alarm reminder to try again in the morning.

'…Goodness knows he deserves it after this so called vacation…'



===



"…Why are we out at this hour Mistress?"

"You know why Leysritt." Illya says as they continue wandering the streetlight lit streets.

"…The war is over and Cu is the only remaining servant. Do you really need a bodyguard now?"

"No, but Sella asked me to keep you away."

"That greedy little bottom!" Leysritt mutters.

'…Least my life can't get worse.' Illya thinks with vacant eyes as a light rain starts.



===

Eris opens the rip again and closes it immediately again, thankful and horrified at the whip cream.

'…Maybe I'll ask the Child of Light to help?' Eris thinks before finding him in his room, mouth dropping open.

"Is this why they called you the ah~ hound? Because I truly have become your-"

Eris closes it again.

'I'm not even going to check on the one named Illya…'



===

The next morning, Kazuma turns around to grab Rin only to find an empty bed. After dressing and a minute of looking, he finds Rin staring blankly at a wall.

"…Is the pharmacy closed today?"

Rin taps at a letter on the desk and Kazuma picks it up.

"We share our condolences at your caretaker's passing and regret to inform you that his debts, as per contractual obligations, are now passed onto you. Due to the suddenness of these circumstances, we will place you in a grace period until 1 year after you finish high school, or 1 year after you finish any higher education or trade school program." The first letter says.

The second letter has a similar blurb but only 6 months of a grace period.

The third also has 6 months.

The rest are less forgiving.

One even stated that there will be no grace period and has given her a higher interest rate than Kirei due to a lack of a financial history, and Kazuma is only halfway through the pile.

"This…can't be legal…"

"It is…prior contract and other legal jargon that I was able to translate says so…I'm half sure I could fight some of them, but that requires a lawyer…and more money than I have even if I were to sell my place, which, along with the church is the collateral if I cannot pay…" Rin says in a drained, even tone he knows too well from his time in debt. He places a hand on her shoulder as an idea comes to him.

"…I think I have an idea but I want to ask first, do you have any family?"

"Not really, think I have some relatives in Europe, but I remember being told as a child not to trust them…"

"Friends? Anyone you would miss?"

"Getting kind of strange with the questions there Kazuma, but no…I'm kind of a loner now that I think about it…"

"I thought you were popular in school?"

"No one approaches the pretty girl…And why are you asking this?"

"How do you feel about coming to that other world with me?"

"I…thought you would stay here after the war?"

"Unfortunately, I have a quest in that otherworld, and I suspect I will have to go back to it soon…Honestly I'm surprised Eris didn't come sooner." Kazuma says.

"Pfft~!"

"Oh grow up…pfft!"

"But…would she even allow that."

"I can guilt her into it, and you convince her it would be merciful."

"Somehow I'm not surprised you would suggest that Scumzuma…but there are a few other things I want to do before that~." Rin says with a glint in her eye as she finishes writing on a paper.

"What's that?" Kazuma asks and Rin whispers it to him.

"…And you call me scum?"

"So you don't want to do that?" Rin asks with a smirk

"Don't put words in my mouth~." Kazuma says with a matching grin.



===

'I should check on them…but I really don't want to.' Eris thinks before hearing Kazuma yell for her.

'Thank goodness, it's all out of his system!' Eris thinks before opening a rip with a smile; a smile that falls when she sees Kazuma and Rin standing in front of a burning church.

"Kazuma…"

"Yes I'm Kazuma."

"What is this?"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Can you make the rip bigger or something?"

Eris does just that.

"What is-huh?!" Eris jumps up when Kazuma and Rin enter the hole into the afterlife.

"Sorry Eris, but I have a request."

"Uh, sure, but why is she here?!"

"She's the request. I want to take her with me to Axel."

"You cannot be serious! That's kidnapping!"

"I want to go."

"It's worse than what you did with- wait what?"\

"If I go back there, I'll just be in endless debt. Besides, I already burned down my home and the church, the only two assets to my name, and everyone I loved is dead, and, as shocking it is, I am rather fond of this scumbag~."

'I know…but…' Eris thinks with thinly disguised pain.

"Fine, since it would be worse to send her back, and this was a colossal horror of a vacation, I'll allow it…But what about the Child of Light?"

"About him…since he did win the war, but the Holy Grail was taken by someone else can you-"

Eris groans with a hand at her head.

"This is so beyond protocol…but fine. It's not like I haven't went past that with your request about Illya and her maids."

"You're the best Eris! I promise to be a better person from now on."

Rin stifles a laugh.

Eris does too.

"S-sorry!"

"I'm not! Gahaha!"

"You little-!" Kazuma takes a breath and smiles.

'I'll get her back later…but for now onto a new adventure!'

 

[Davos]

Kazuma is pulled up along with Rin.

A portal appears above him as he goes further up.

'That's new…Wait why is there-'

The next moment Kazuma lands on his butt in the middle of a graveyard.

'Why would Eris send me here?' Kazuma thinks before looking for Rin, only to find himself alone in a graveyard.

'…No…' He thinks before going over to a tombstone. Even after finding one without cracks and faded writing, Kazuma still can't read it.

"…What the…?" He mutters before hearing a whoosh further in. Despite his nagging suspicions, he heads further in and finds a biker talking to someone. The next moment, the biker steps back and a familiar blonde now in red is holding a blade at the biker's neck.

'Where the Hell am I?!'



===

"Where the Hell is he?" Rin mutters while looking around, enjoying the view of flowing grass outside some gates. She heads toward the entrance, carrying her suitcase with her.

'Maybe he is further inside? Though I don't know why he would be teleported elsewhere…Wait…how do I find him?' Rin thinks while entering the city.



===



'Just got to stay quiet and back away slo-' His thought stops when he steps on a dry twig, the small crack resonating in Kazuma's ears like a gun shot as the Biker and Artoria look his way.

The scowling blonde is already at him, blade at his neck.

"Looks we got an eavesdropper, and a bad one at that."

"I'm not a servant!" Kazuma says with his hands up.

"That much is obvious…unfortunately we can't have witnesses. Make it quick Mordred."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"You want to torture the poor guy?"

"Wait, you're Mordred?"

"You going to make a joke about my being a woman? Go ahead. But make your last words worth it~."

"No, I know better after dealing with Arthur."

"Oh looky, you read half a book about the Knights of the Round Table."

"Looks a lot like you, wears blue, has a braid thing going around their head." Kazuma fires off in quick succession, making Mordred freeze a moment before pressing the blade further forward, drawing a bead of blood and making Kazuma walk backwards.

"…Bring father here then."

"What?"

"Aren't you her Master? Isn't she the Saber of Black?"

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"As in I have no idea what you're saying! Aren't you Saber?"

"Yes, but that means you're on the other side…wait, why am I explaining this to you?"

"Sides? Like formal teams? In a Grail war?" Kazuma asks, further confusing Mordred and her biker looking master.

"…How do you know about a Grail War?" The biker asks.

"I was in one in Fuyuki."

"Japan?"

"Yes…where are we?" Kazuma asks, happier now that the blade is not pressing as hard into his neck.

"You're in Romania."

"…What?"



===



"This should be the place…Surprisingly not bad." Rin says after mentally double checking her directions. She knocks on the door and a blonde woman in armor answers.

"Hello?"

"H-hello, is Kazuma in?"

"Yes, one moment."

'Didn't expect to see a blonde knight so soon. I'm sure she is more even tempered and honorable than Saber.' Rin thinks before Kazuma comes to the door.

"Who are you?" He asks and Rin freezes with a stiff smile for a long minute before she grabs him by the neck with one magic circuit glowing hand.

"The Hell do you mean 'who are you?'?!"

"I've never seen you before!" Kazuma says and the hand at his neck tightens.

"Oh you don't get to play that card after making me burn my house down and come to this place after those two weeks!"

"You did- Why would you do- wait two weeks? He's been with us." The blonde woman says.

"What do you mean he's been here for two weeks?" Rin shouts as a blue haired woman and shorter girl come around the corner.

"What did Scumzuma do to you?" The blue haired girl asks.

"I didn't do anything! I don't know her!" He starts to squeak when Rin presents a gander shot near his face.

"If you want me to stay somewhere else, that is one thing, but feigning amnesia?"

"I'm not faking it!"

"That is bull-" Rin stops when a rip in the air forms.

"What are you doing here Eris?" The blue haired woman asks.

"I…have some bad news and a confession to make Lady Aqua…"



===A few minutes earlier===





"You're telling me I'm in the middle of Europe, in a team death match Holy Grail War, tasked with killing a servant of the highest caliber, and it's all ARCHER'S fault?!"

"Why are you so mad about this! I thought you wanted to be a hero after taking on the Demon King thing from Aqua!" The rip in the air says, leaving Mordred and her master in stunned silence.

"So you kidnap me and teleport me half way around the planet after I got through a war!?"

"Archer-"

"Oh don't you use him to justify your behavior you shitty subconscious!"

"Please don't insult me! I only agreed because I know you can do it and Eris was really-"

"Don't you dare bad mouth Eris! Wait…how do you think I can kill a servant?"

"He said you had a powerful magic spell that annihilates everything in a space. It's sound perfect for Counter Guardian missions!"

"There will be collateral damage and I'll probably die!"

"That's fine!"

"No it isn't!"

"It is in the grand scheme of things! Trust the process! Besides, I can just revive you! Also, its one day a month you have to do this kind of work thanks to the revised program Archer and Eris hashed out! You should be happy!"

Kazuma raises his hand, surprising Alaya before she speaks.

"Seriously? You're going to try to steal the underwear of me, Alaya? I don't have a body! I don't wear clothes!" She says before laughing loudly, leaving Mordred and her master watching in pained silence.

"Steal!"

After the light fades, Kazuma finds himself holding a slightly see through plushy underwear with strange letters on it.

"How did you get that?!"

"And you said I couldn't steal your underwear! GAHAHA!"

"I don't wear underwear that is something much worse! Give it back!" Alaya says with a warble.

"Oh you want it?"

"Yes!"

"How badly?"

"…I-I'll get you wine and make it so you only have to do this once a year?"

That was all Kazuma needed to hear.

He pivots and chucks the plushy like a discus into a nearby raging river, making Alaya scream.

The Biker looks on with an open mouth.

Mordred starts to laugh right alongside Kazuma.

"I can't believe you did this, you have to go get it!"

"Get it yourself, or send some other guy you hoodwinked into this!"

"I can't! I can only have one Counter Guardian for any target now unless it was a group mission!"

"Then I guess you're stuck."

"Ah…I…I'm telling Eris!"

"Good! Maybe she can fix this!" Kazuma yells as the rip closes.

"Man, I can't tell if you're a coward or a riot!"

"I'm still torn between 'fool' and 'threat'."

"As long as you don't kill anyone uninvolved in this, I don't really care. Hell, I may even help you depending how things go."

"How can you help?" The biker asks and Kazuma looks over around.

"I have an idea!"



===



Rin looks at the rip as Eris finishes her recounting.

"You had a Kazuma bot here these last two weeks?! Do you have any idea how bad that could have been for us, me specifically?!"

"I-It's not like it was all bad!"

"It ruins everything! I thought we had Kazuma trained into giving foot rubs, and praising me like he should, and now you tell me it is all a lie?!

"Is Alaya next to you now?" She asks.

"Yes but why does that-"

Rin shoots a gander shot through the rip, getting a scream of pain.

"The audacity to shoot a God…! So cool!" Megumin says.

"…So evil…" Aqua mutters with a pale face.

"So…vile~." Darkness says with a smile.

"…What?" Rin asks.

"Nothing!" Darkness says while playing with her thumbs.

"…So when will he back?"

"We…don't know."

Rin raises her hand.

"Please no! I'm already organizing a squad to get him! He'll be dead within the day!" Alaya says.

"I don't want him dead!"

"We can revive him!"

"That is not the issue here! Dying must be very horrific! Can't you just send me over there to talk some sense into him?"

"I'm not sure he'll listen to you…He kind of just ignores you doesn't he? And aren't you kind of easily manipulated?" Alaya asks, making Rin reach through the rip and grab a neck.

"HA! That's not me, that's Eris you're choking!"

"Sorry!"

Coughing is what answers her for a moment.

"I'm…sure Kazuma will listen to her…though it might help if you bring someone else along…"

"So I don't get easily manipulated?" Rin asks with crossed arms.

"Yeah! Now you're getting it!" Alaya says in a cheery tone.

"...I can't tell if you're taunting me or are this stupid."

"I'm the collective unconsciousness of humanity; I have a lot of empty decks influencing my metaphysical noggin."

"She does, she's really dumb sometimes." Aqua says with as cheery a tone as a knock is heard at the door. Standing there is Cu Chulainn, his spear on his shoulder.

"Lancer! You can help! Kazuma is-"

Cu Chulainn fades away into a dull gold dust on the wind, leaving the four women openmouthed.

"…What just happened?" Rin asks.



===



Cu Chulainn finds himself reformed in a graveyard, Kazuma in front of him with three command seals.

"I didn't know you could make a summoning circle."

"I didn't. It was theirs." Kazuma says gesturing towards Mordred and the biker looking mage, Kairi.

"…They aren't trying to kill you? Wait is that-?!"

"That's Mordred, not Artoria, and not now they aren't. They seemed to like it when I annoyed the Hell out of Alaya by not being an assassin and stealing her underwear."

"…How long were you in this world?" Cu asks.

"About five minutes."

"…I'm honestly impressed. You know Red is over at your place right?"

"That's relief…Thought she was pulled into this Alaya bs too."

"She might, I can see her coming here and kicking your ass."

"…I do too unfortunately…" Kazuma says.

"So…your target is…?"

"Yeah it's me. You want to try taking a crack at me?" Mordred asks, sword on her shoulder.

"Hm~ I like the zeal, but I did contend with your pa. I doubt you can match me and my …spear?" Cu Chulainn asks as he raises a sword instead of Gae Bolg.

"…You normally a lancer?"

"Yes…"

"So that means you're at my mercy?"

"Pardon?"

"Don't worry, I don't enjoy picking on the weak~."

"Good thing I ain't weak." Cu says before spitting to the side and pointing his blade after a flourish.

Mordred smiles back and approaches.

"Oh my God, it's happening again…" Kazuma mutters.

 

[Davos]

Cu raises his sword, almost placing a hand on the blade like a spear shaft.

'First day in a new Grail war and I'm fighting a Saber who is more or less a copy of Arthur. Recalling that fight and knowing Mordred, they probably are roughly as strong…but she seems far less even tempered, so I should be able to-' Cu's thought is cut off from the speed of Mordred's initial flurry.

He deflects each blow, taking two steps back before beginning his own reprisal, now making Mordred take a step back before riposting, her tip going for Cu's head.

Cu deflects again and kicks Mordred in the stomach, making her stagger and sputter a moment.

"Not bad…but I can see why your rebellion failed."

"Heh…Bit early for gloating…Setanta!" Mordred says before recovering and continuing.

'God damn it, I don't even have Gae Bolg right now! So how-?!' Cu thinks for a moment as the fight continues.

"…How did she figure out his name?" Kazuma asks and Kairi shrugs.

"Battle intuition? Him having a distinct fighting style?"

A scream from the field distracts them.

Their swords are locked above their heads.

Mordred's boot is in the Child of Light's crotch.

"My spuds…"

"A little revenge for earlier….I'm almost sorry my attack was a little low~."

"You kick… just like your mother…!" Cu says after a few steps before leaning on his sword.

"Do not disparage father! He is not a woman, and would never resort to such attacks!" Mordred shouts.

"Why are you defending Elizabeth? Didn't you try to kill her in your life?"

"That's because- what did you call father?" Mordred says with a sharp turn, a neck crack audible.

"It annoyed her, so I called her the name of a famous Queen." Kazuma says with only one crack in his voice.

Mordred stares a moment before grinning.

"Shame I can't recall details from a Grail War. Would love to say that after I pull out the sword of selection~."

"What happened to not disparaging your father?" Kairi asks.

"Doesn't count when I do it."

"What a double standard." Kazuma says.

"It doesn't matter what you- AH!" Mordred screams a moment while flying through the air. Cu smirks as she stands back up.

"Apparently I didn't hit hard enough." Mordred says with standing back up.

"You did. I just have the disengage skill~."

"So you're the perfect kicking bag~." Mordred says with a grin.

"I could say the same about you." Cu says before they clash again.

"So how do you think this will last?" Kazuma asks. Kairi shrugs before more clashing is heard past the graveyard.



===

"What did you do with Lancer? Where did you send him?" Rin asks the rip.

"That wasn't me." Alaya says, making Rin raise her hand again.

"It wasn't!" Alaya says again.

"It really wasn't…I think he was summoned again." Eris says.

"He was just summoned as I was about to ask him for help? Who would do t-" Rin stops when she realizes a possible answer.

Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness come to the same answer.

"…Can you just send me over there?" Rin asks.

"Us too." Darkness says.

"W-wait a minute! You don't want to go there Darkness! There will be super powerful beings trying to kill each other!" Aqua says.

"Hng~."

'…Did she just groan? Maybe she's not fond of combat?' Rin thinks.

"…You forgot about Darkness' deal didn't you?" Megumin asks.

"…I did…But I still don't want to go!"

"I have to agree with Aqua…You being there in this particular encounter will only further complicate things."

"You don't think we can drag that no good vacation taking NEET back with us?"

"I saw what you did these past two weeks…I really don't think you'll help. I think Miss Rin going by herself has the best chance."

"Well now I'm definitely going!"

"It's not even in Japan!"

"Doesn't matter, send us over!"

"O-okay…"

"Sorry Eris, but four heads are better than one at least." Rin says.

Alaya starts to giggle.

"…You'll realize soon enough…" Eris mutters before using a portal on them.

===



Kazuma and Kairi head to the sound of the fighting, spotting an armored swordsman, a fat man who is a master, a blonde woman with a flag, and pale man in gold that makes Kazuma and Cu tense.

"…So, who's on which side?" Mordred asks Kairi.

"Don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? I thought you met with the other masters?"

"Not yet."

"Guess I'll just kill them both." Mordred says.

"Isn't that other guy a Saber?" Cu asks.

"Like you? Besides, lots of Riders use swords." Mordred says as the pale man fades away.

"Man…"

As the blonde woman and two men leave, the pale man in gold reappears in front of the others, prompting Cu to raise his sword and Kazuma to raise a hand.

"Stand down Hound, or did you forget we are not supposed to fight during the day?"

"…How did you figure out my name? We didn't even fight."

"I heard some of your clash with Mordred during my own with Siegfried. Apologies for my delayed introduction, but my name is Karna, Lancer of Red…Wait…what class are you?"

"I'm a Saber." Cu says, making Karna glance over at the now armored Mordred.

"Aren't you a Saber?"

"Yes."

"Why are there three Saber servants?"

"Young man here used my summoning catalyst…maybe that affected the summoning?" Kairi says.

"Odd…Either way, I suspect the Ruler would not be happy to hear of a 16th​ servant, regardless of which side you join."

"I'm not looking to join a side. I'm here to annoy someone by keeping her alive." Kazuma says while gesturing to Mordred who pushes their blade against his neck. After discerning his words, Karna stares at him in shock.

'He's…not lying…but his answer is so absurd.'

"Something on my face?"

"No…Just shocked by your reasoning…Who are you trying to bother if you do not mind my asking?"

"The collective unconsciousness of humanity, an annoying airhead known as Alaya." Kazuma says, further stunning Karna before he begins chuckling.

"I understand now, you're deranged."

"I am not-"

"Eh, he's not wrong." Cu says with a shrug, making Kazuma look at him.

"…Guess I'm not planting a victory garden this time."

"Don't you dare joke about that Kazuma!"

"Either way, I should have you meet with the others of the red faction. Even if you are not with us, our goals align close enough that introductions should be made."

Cu and Kazuma and look at the other and despite some lingering reservations from their last golden divine being, agree and head off towards the Red faction's HQ.



===



"Are you sure we are in another world?" Megumin asks while looking at a castle with glowing eyes and a smile.

"We're in Romania, and there are castles here. I think this area is largely similar to what it was years ago and is comparable to life in the other world, but we are on Earth." Aqua says while looking at Megumin with squinted eyes.

"I'm not going to do anything…I have self control."

'…I should probably be more worried about that…Good thing we won't be here long.' Rin thinks as a few people come to meet them, a girl in a wheel chair and a man with long hair in front of them who looks at Aqua with wide eyes for a moment.

"I never expected to meet you again, O Goddess of water."

"Hello Chiron! I'm just as surprised at you being here." Aqua says.

"Wait…you know him?" Rin asks.

"Yeah, I taught him how to swim!" Aqua says with a smile.

"So…you're an actual deity?" Rin asks with a warble.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised that NEET didn't mention me." Aqua says with a frown.

"No he did, I just can't believe you're actually divine when you were eaten by a-" Rin's mouth is clamped shut by Aqua who looks at her with vacant eyes.

"Not another word. I have a reputation here damn it."

Rin nods.

"I am surprised you are a servant Lady Aqua."

"I'm not. I'm here to grab an annoying human and go."

"Oh my apologies, I was mistaken since your divinity was lower. I thought you relinquished immortality like me and was summoned….wait, I thought your domain was further east?" Chiron asks.

"…It's a long story and I do not want to recount it…" Aqua says.

"I…See…" Chiron says.

"Would you like to come inside? Perhaps we can help each other." The young girl in a wheelchair suggests.

"Can you give us a moment?" Rin asks and the four go some distance away to talk.

"I knew Chiron when he was little, he won't harm me!" Aqua says.

"Plus having the aid of someone in the area would help us find Kazuma…" Megumin suggests.

"I cannot help but think the help they want would be troublesome…" Darkness says, while looking over the castle, instantly being reminded of home and the dubiousness of nobility.

"It likely is…If she's a mage, she wouldn't hesitate to use us up and throw us away…" Rin says, looking as Darkness arches her back with tight lips.

'…What was that?'

After another moment, they go in, fully aware of there being risks.

Except for Aqua.



===

"I am Archer of Red, Atlanta."

"And I'm Achilles, Invincible warrior of Greece, and Rider of Red." He says with a spear on his shoulder.

Kazuma feels an eye twitch at their introductions.

'They are pleasant enough, but…they're Greek. Aside from Medi, Heroes from there tried to kill me, and even she tried to dismember me at our first encounter! Hopefully I'll get over that and they and the others are fine…' Kazuma thinks as he looks over at the beautiful dark haired woman with sharp eyes and semi open topped dress.

'Good thing Rin isn't here…'

"Are you Greek as well?"

"I am Assyrian. My name is Semiramis."

"Wait…like Sumerian?"

"Yes."

'Oh no…' Cu and Kazuma think again.

'Least it can't get any worse.' Kazuma thinks as a young priest enters the room with a smile.

"I didn't expect you to bring guests Kairi. My name is Shirou Kotomine."

===



In a river, a panty plushy is stuck on a rock. A bird flies over, pecks at it a moment and flies off with it, dropping it in a nest before returning to the river and catching it's reflection in the water, and chirps in sheer horror and shame.



===

"You're legs are so cool, how do you balance on them?" Megumin asks the masked servant.

"It took a bit of practice…though I am surprised you find them fascinating."

"How can I not? Though they pale in comparison to the mask! You have great taste."

"I'm afraid I do not wear these as a choice in style…but thank you young lady."

Further in the room, Darkness is with Chiron and a pink haired servant.

Aqua is staring daggers at Vlad, who matches her gaze. Chiron excuses himself from Darkness to chat with Aqua.

"He isn't undead, he's a ruler of the region…that novel was made after his death."

"I thought it was a movie?" Aqua asks.

'…Still the same Aqua.' Chiron thinks with a smile.

Rin however finds herself pale while looking at an old luger pistol on the wall.

'That's a gun from World War two…and we are in Romania…'

"I did not expect you to be fond of firearms young lady." A young looking man in a white cape says.

"I'm not. Just surprised it is here in the castle." Rin says.

"It is at odds with the aesthetic I admit. But I could not relinquish it to some hidden corner when it served me so well."

"It's yours? But it looks so…" Rin trails off, noting the small dings and other signs of deep use despite the excellent maintenance.

"I am…a fair bit older than I appear. My name is Darnic Prestone Yggdmillennia." He says.

"I am Rin Tohsaka." She says, hoping she isn't noticeably pale from her realization.

'Oh God, I'm in a castle with a Nazi!'



===

"…Is there something on my face?" The young priest asks as Kazuma and Cu look at him.

"…Did you say your name was…Shirou?" Kazuma asks with an eye twitch.

"Kotomine…" Cu mutters with a tighter grip on his blade, making the other servants pull out their weapons, half ready to react.

"Yes?" Shirou Kotomine asks, puzzled by their reaction.

"You met before?"

"No I don't believe we have."

"This is just way too much of a coincidence that we came across someone with your name…and as a priest too." Kazuma says.

Cu spits to the side, still eyeing Shirou.

"I…don't know what this other man did to you, but I'll try to be more pleasant to you."

"Do not take such accusations Master." Semiramis says.

"Hardly a high bar." Cu says as Kazuma looks around.

"Something amiss?" Karna asks.

"I count five servants. Where are berserker and assassin?"

"I'm assassin." Semiramis says.

"I thought you were a Caster?"

"That is your mistake."

"So where are they?"

"Caster is-"

The doors are pushed open with a resolute bang as a man in an ornate green coat enters.

"I, William Shakespeare, am the Caster you so wondered about!"

"Wait, how are you a Caster?!" Kazuma asks.

"The classification can be odd sometimes…" Shirou says before looking at Semiramis.

"Why are you looking at me?"

"Aren't you going to tell us where Spartacus is?"

"Why would I tell you when you were watching him?" Semiramis asks, making Shirou pale despite his tanned skin.

"I thought…you were watching him…" Shirou asks, making Semiramis grimace.

Then they hear maniacal laughter in the distance.

'….Reminds me of home.' Kazuma thinks.