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Great read. Can't believe this story is so overlooked. The world is a bit dark for my tastes. Waaaaay too dark where the detective is concerned, the only reason I can continue reading is because of Harry's overwhelming power, but from what that ginger green-eyed 'guy' at the circle mentioned, and what I've read of the Shadowrun setting, I'm not sure how long that will last.
The actual way yhe dragons made is interesting, but yeah. The world is just sooooo dark.
A good point. At some point I'll need to go back through and clean up the diction to make it smoother. That was intentionally inserted, but I'd already improved his grammar too much before then, I suppose. It's hard to write a character that uses poor grammar and have it come across properly.Up to 3.16 now. Almost caught up! Doing well though harry's speech pattern could stand to be touched up. Specifically in 3.15 where Harry talks about making "them spoons" or something like that. I've noticed it seems a fair bit different than his speech patterns and vocabulary choice when compared to his talk regarding manners and highclass wizarding society.
the word choice seemed like a step back in character development. Only noticed it once but just try to watch for consistency unless the development is intentional and with cause.
Great read. Can't believe this story is so overlooked. The world is a bit dark for my tastes. Waaaaay too dark where the detective is concerned, the only reason I can continue reading is because of Harry's overwhelming power, but from what that ginger green-eyed 'guy' at the circle mentioned, and what I've read of the Shadowrun setting, I'm not sure how long that will last.
The actual way yhe dragons made is interesting, but yeah. The world is just sooooo dark.
Harry hasn't gotten the Cloak yet, but he will at some point. As for what the Hallows do in this world, in terms of practical uses, it's pretty much the same as canon.Did Harry ever get the cloak? Also what do the Hallows do in this world?
The short answer is: it's complicated.So I know it's still early in the story, but it looks like Harry is developing a harem. I mean Hermione, Abigail, and Sue Li are all interested in him, and who knows who else will be added to his collection of damsels. Is Harry going to have multiple girlfriends or will he just have one?
i think you can forgo that.A good point. At some point I'll need to go back through and clean up the diction to make it smoother. That was intentionally inserted, but I'd already improved his grammar too much before then, I suppose. It's hard to write a character that uses poor grammar and have it come across properly.
The slow improvement is intended as he matures. I was referring to the apparently out-of-sequence irregularities in that development as noted by the first comment. The transition should be reasonably smooth, possibly with some temporary reversion in times of stress that will go away eventually as well.i think you can forgo that.
Lets not forget that Harry is supposed to be (slowly) growing up as 'time' passes. If anything it's a good thing that his speech slowly changes and becomes neater, clearer and more mature...
Sweet mother of god, were you somehow stranded on an island with no internet connection and a mighty need to write ?
If you want to be realistic the temporary reversions should not be limited to stress, but will happen nearly at random. That said, writing things that way may make it seem implausible, despite being realistic.The transition should be reasonably smooth, possibly with some temporary reversion in times of stress that will go away eventually as well.
6)Nice way to resolve Ginny and Tom's plotline.take a leaf from his own days as a lowly scout and he gratefully did so, dumping the mess off on the Great Wyrm.
If you want to be realistic the temporary reversions should not be limited to stress, but will happen nearly at random. That said, writing things that way may make it seem implausible, despite being realistic.
About the chapter:
1)I liked Snape's discussion regarding travel arrangements, although I think it would be a lot more belivable if there were agencies governmental or otherwise that would handle the travel arrangements in many cases...just none that Snape could use either due to political leanings, or because there simply wasn't one available to handle Britain-Confederacy relations/travel. Given that there is regular trade and at least semi-regular international travel, there's a LOT of money to be made in smoothing out such obstacles so either the government or some private group would take it upon themselves to handle it. Of course given the difficulties in traveling to the Confederacy there might not be such a group in England.
2)I found Su Li's clan leaders to be quite short-sighted, wasteful, and stupid even before considering their abhorrent ethics. However their stupidity, and wasteful short sighted xenophobia do help explain Su Li's actions.
3)I really liked the way you got the different plot lines to come together with Lockhart, I hope Marchbanks will make it out of the mess alright.
4)I can see Marchbanks calling her granddaughter "Rosie", or "Rosmereta" (especially if they're not very close of she knows her granddaughter prefers the later) but starting off with "Rosmereta" and then switching to "Rosie" seems odd.
5)I liked the conversation with the hat, and Harry's response to Bane's urging, although Bane's urging didn't seem to fit your description as him passing responsibility to someone else. The dialog fits with Bane having decided on a course of action, and getting Harry to handle the brute force needed, only to have Harry start questioning him. If does not fit with Bane deciding to
6)Nice way to resolve Ginny and Tom's plotline.
1)As I said, either the government or private individuals. It's established there's regular trade, which means there's a lot of money to be made in smoothing things over efficiently and quickly.1) Why would the government be interested in that? The nanny state is a very strange modern issue. It makes good sense to have firm rules and private companies that make profit of knowing and exploiting these rules for trade. Unless you desire mass tourism or the formation of multinational companies (neither thing seems desired by the powers in charge), there is just no need or incentive for anything more.
2) How exactly is trying to do the best for your children (by giving them the best genetics with as many advantages as possible) short sighted or stupid? I'd say our current practice of paying no attention to how we possibly harm our children with genetic defects that could be edited out of our genome would deserve such condemnation. Don't forget that the whole Su clan exists to capture interesting genetics so that they can be refined before being bred into the main line (that presumably makes up the clan leadership). In face of the rather xenophobic nature of all wizarding countries, I can't see how their practices could be improved. I'd be interested to hear your ideas however.
So far they seem to have created a clan of far above average intelligence, beauty, magical power, physical potential, life expectancy, and a number of magical gifts. Clan members are clearly better than anyone around them and will have massive advantages, regardless of what they decide to do. As such the clans breeding program seems to work very well.
5) I think the idea is that Bane wanted to dump the issue on Harry, but then had to deal with the fact that Harry is a child. A classic case of intentions and reality not meeting up as desired.
6) Poor Dumbledore is going to be very busy. I'm a bit surprised that Harry seems to have no interest in how the situation is resolved, but I guess that's appropriate for his age.
If you want to be realistic the temporary reversions should not be limited to stress, but will happen nearly at random. That said, writing things that way may make it seem implausible, despite being realistic.
About the chapter:
1)I liked Snape's discussion regarding travel arrangements, although I think it would be a lot more belivable if there were agencies governmental or otherwise that would handle the travel arrangements in many cases...just none that Snape could use either due to political leanings, or because there simply wasn't one available to handle Britain-Confederacy relations/travel. Given that there is regular trade and at least semi-regular international travel, there's a LOT of money to be made in smoothing out such obstacles so either the government or some private group would take it upon themselves to handle it. Of course given the difficulties in traveling to the Confederacy there might not be such a group in England.
2)I found Su Li's clan leaders to be quite short-sighted, wasteful, and stupid even before considering their abhorrent ethics. However their stupidity, and wasteful short sighted xenophobia do help explain Su Li's actions.
3)I really liked the way you got the different plot lines to come together with Lockhart, I hope Marchbanks will make it out of the mess alright.
4)I can see Marchbanks calling her granddaughter "Rosie", or "Rosmereta" (especially if they're not very close of she knows her granddaughter prefers the later) but starting off with "Rosmereta" and then switching to "Rosie" seems odd.
5)I liked the conversation with the hat, and Harry's response to Bane's urging, although Bane's urging didn't seem to fit your description as him passing responsibility to someone else. The dialog fits with Bane having decided on a course of action, and getting Harry to handle the brute force needed, only to have Harry start questioning him. If does not fit with Bane deciding to
6)Nice way to resolve Ginny and Tom's plotline.
- On the travel agency idea, that might be a business opportunity for the future ---
That part makes sense, the problem is they don't consider what talents or uses a person who doesn't quite meet their standards can have. They seem to acknowledge only two categories: (a) meets all our requirements (b)completely useless fit only to be sold as a whore. There should have been a lot of graduations between the two (and for that matter ones who aren't fit to serve as whores and either make themselves useful in other ways, or are killed)I had intended the entire setup to be self-consistent and reasonable within the confines of the cultural mores of magical Han society. For a group of people who deny any inherent value of the individual, are quite unhealthily assured of their own moral and intellectual superiority, and are perfectly willing (much like their non-magical countrymen) to launch on multi-generational enterprises that will only pay off centuries down the road, I felt it was a well-reasoned and well-executed scheme --- evil as sin, of course, but the plan is internally consistent and quite rational within the confines of those evil assumptions. It's much of the same logic that drives eugenicists of all stripes.
It's possible there are racists who aren't xenophobes, but I'll believe it when I see it. For your characters specifically, their upset at gaining the possible appearance of foreigners even while courting them seems to indicate strong xenophobia. One thing I forgot to mention, I was a bit surprised that their expected child bearing years weren't longer, given how much longer their lifespan is.That said, I'm not sure where you're getting 'xenophobia' from.
- I'm not talking about a travel agency but...lawyers and purchasing agents. If they exist then your description of international travel requiring years of building up personal contacts in other countries doesn't work. Again, there can be all sorts of reasons Snape can't use the established networks, but the description of how international travel works in the Wizarding world doesn't fit with there being regular international trade.
3.18.0 Vasili's Dream
"Fair enough," the dark man allowed before venturing, "Perhaps a second flight to cover the distance quickly?"
"Non-magical air travel is restricted just as heavily, for much the same reasons," the goblin countered. "You will fly into Erie International not only due to its proximity to the Great Longhouse, but also because it is the only destination at which the detection of magical persons aboard a plane will not automatically prompt the locals to dispatch a kill squad to greet you on the tarmac. After the Pueblo incident in 1986, that rule is ironclad."
Severus raised a questioning eyebrow.
"In that year, Aztec intelligence managed to acquire scheduling information for one such exception early enough to take advantage," Slackhammer shook his head sadly as he explained, "They arranged to charter a private flight to the same airport at the same time in order to slip a war party through the temporary gap in security. Once they stole past the security cordons, the Aztecs managed to slaughter over seven hundred tribespeople before Confederate war mages were able to hunt them down and exterminate the lot."
pullBritish savages to pull move in the same direction long enough to
withoutNonmagical breeding programs were complicated enough before including magic in the mix, but magic added
- I'm not talking about a travel agency but...lawyers and purchasing agents. If they exist then your description of international travel requiring years of building up personal contacts in other countries doesn't work. Again, there can be all sorts of reasons Snape can't use the established networks, but the description of how international travel works in the Wizarding world doesn't fit with there being regular international trade.
- That part makes sense, the problem is they don't consider what talents or uses a person who doesn't quite meet their standards can have. They seem to acknowledge only two categories: (a) meets all our requirements (b)completely useless fit only to be sold as a whore. There should have been a lot of graduations between the two (and for that matter ones who aren't fit to serve as whores and either make themselves useful in other ways, or are killed)
It's possible there are racists who aren't xenophobes, but I'll believe it when I see it. For your characters specifically, their upset at gaining the possible appearance of foreigners even while courting them seems to indicate strong xenophobia. One thing I forgot to mention, I was a bit surprised that their expected child bearing years weren't longer, given how much longer their lifespan is.
Pretty seriously, actually, though I'm sure someone is working on refining the system for that reason. They've only been doing it for half a decade at this point, after all (the Pueblo Incident of 1986).<SNIP>
How serious can the Confederation take such alarms? I mean, I understand that they're essentially at war with the Aztecs, but how many mugglebornes will travel by air before they learn about magic? There have to be at least several false alarms each year because of this. The alert squad must go in very cautiously or the consequences of the false alarms would be impossible to hide. So there might be ways to arrange travel that Gringotts isn't aware of. Snape should at least be aware of this - unless there's a reason for there to be no muggleborn in America.
No, as long as there's any regular trade (which there has to be for the goblins to have dealings with the locations in question) the less there is, the more likely that there will be independent agents arranging travel and trade.I think the problem here is that you believe there to be far more international trade than there really is.
This would require there be quite a lot of trade for the companies to be able and willing to take it over and enjoy the advantages of being a big company. It also means that most people traveling would go to whichever company handles the trade and have them arrange the travel for them, no need for years of personal contacts.And what trade there is belongs to a few companies that are quite happy with every country making very complex travel requirements so that no competitors can enter the market.
- The networks exist, but at the moment there is no publicly accessible interface to them.
Given the time frame they're working on "recent" would have to be at least a dozen generations back to make them change the way they've been acting. Additionally, that still leaves a range of options, just means a lot more people would be sold as whores or worse.As for other uses they could be put to, the main issue is a massive overabundance of personnel compared to the jobs the clan has available, and a big part of that is the relatively recent (in wizarding terms) upheaval in Han society to which adjustments are still ongoing.
That would mean there are plenty of jobs for "not slaves" to doIn response to their new, utterly terrifying neighbor, the Han Emperor rammed through reforms to the legal structure of slaving in his holdings in hopes of appeasing Tepes enough to prevent the Great Monster of the West from turning its eyes eastward. Those reforms changed the available markets drastically, both reducing demand and making previously marketable professions no longer viable.
this sort of thing does change somewhat the view of them, but doesn't really fit with the dialog. The dialog presented only two groups whores and prime stock. What you're describing here, is pretty much what was missing from the scene, i.e a mention of slaves (or "not slaves") for any purpose other than prostitution, or any mention of anyone in the gray area between "useful only as whores" and "prime breeding stock". Even if those useful slaves were also prostitutes, they'd be more valuable than just prostitutes.While it wasn't mentioned in the scene, only the chief matriarch (marigold) and her second (orange) are actually from the main family, the other two... ah, worked their way up, as it were, eventually taking over technical oversight (celadon) and operations (purple) as their talents dictated.
Okay, that changes my reason for why they're wasteful, but just reinforces the fact that they are. That method would leave a lot of people useless for anything, and takes a lot more time and effort to maintain than the mind control spells seem to.just as important for the Clan's purposes is the maintenance and reinforcement of their mental and emotional conditioning.
Makes sense.As for the relatively short fertile years, I'm treating the female reproductive cycle as a developmental process that runs from a definite beginning to a definite conclusion, rather than a stochastically-driven breakdown like the rest of aging. Magic staves off problems resulting from random failures, keeping witches and wizards alive for longer, but it doesn't substantively change their life cycle as humans. Thus, magic only helps extend a witch's reproductive years by making pregnancy safe and healthy right up until menopause, rather than extending the cycle for longer.