OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

[OverMaster]

This is where I dump my fanfiction so you don't have to suffer it anywhere else in the site.

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Akane the Master Poisoner.

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Based on the copyrighted works of Takahashi Rumiko and Kodansha.

---

As she grew older, so did everybody else, except Happosai, Cologne and Hinako, apparently. The pointless bickering and the duels to death became more subdued and less passionate gradually, as they slowly drifted, with varying degrees of success, towards maturity. Even the Kunos calmed down somewhat at some point, especially after graduation.

Tendo Akane was no exception. Over time, what once was either thrilling or infuriating became routine, so much even Shampoo had stopped fazing her that much. And Shampoo in turn grew more jaded of it all as well, perhaps finally acknowledging, more or less, she was wasting her time and efforts on a man who simply didn't want her. Ukyo had a harder time letting go, while Kodachi more or less faded into the Nerima background as she found herself another man to obsess over (poor Mendou-san), but after a few years, Akane had become the winner of the Ranma Bowl, as Nabiki liked to put it, by default.

And that was... okay with Akane, she guessed. By now it was obvious she wasn't going to get herself anything better, so... eh. Why not. Sure, Ranma was no less obtuse now and that wasn't likely to ever change, but he at least was marginally less hotheaded of late. To tolerable levels. That was good, right? Akane wanted to tell herself that, and she saw no good reason to think otherwise, even if something still nagged her about it, a vague feeling something was not okay, even as she fell more comfortable into her role as a fiancee.

Nonetheless, step by step they came to accept the engagement as a fait accompli, even though neither of them knew what did that mean. Their fathers and Nodoka had been overjoyed, naturally, and so had Kasumi and Doctor Tofu. Even Ryouga, who had finally found peace with Akari and actually given his enthusiastic blessing once he had it spelled out to him clearly enough (he had grown more mellow, but otherwise not any wiser, you only could ask for so much from the guy).

Ryouga's acceptance genuinely surprised Akane, who by now had figured out his former feelings towards her (she wanted to believe she had more of a capacity to realize things on her own, naturally). It was a bit annoying, too, she only had figured them out after he was over her, but she still accepted his blessings with one of those polite smiles that were her usual policy nowadays more often than not, taken from observing Kasumi carefully and trying to put herself into the Kasumi mindset.

Of course, that smile hid the fact Akane still hadn't quite forgiven him (or Ranma for that matter) over that whole P-Chan thing, but what could you do about it? Holding grudges was pointless, she wasn't a stubborn teenager anymore, she had to grow up and let go of those things. If even Ryouga and Shampoo could, so couldn't she?

Yet those thoughts never quite stopped bothering her at odd times, whenever she had a moment to herself, and to keep them at bay she devoted herself to the kitchen with the discipline and zeal she had put into martial arts before. Kasumi and Soun were again rejoicing, but Nabiki of all people saw the first signs of something bad in that, and for once seemed to take some measure of concern over her younger sister.

"Are you sure you shouldn't be practicing more? You're going to grow rusty..."

"Oh, martial arts, you mean?" Akane said while stirring the pot, not bothering to look back. "What's the point, Ranma will be inheriting the Dojo, not me."

Nabiki being Nabiki, that was the extent of her involvement, as she just shrugged her shoulders, tossed her hands up and walked away.

Akane, despite all of her efforts, was not improving, however. At first she had thought trading her martial arts effort for that displayed at the kitchen would pay off at last, but even with Kasumi and Nodoka, and eventually even Ukyo after she finally got over it, coaching her, her cooking wasn't improving at all. She couldn't get why, she even had mastered swimming relatively fast after finding some peace within herself, but cooking still resisted her as much as ever. And that remained the sole point where Ranma, otherwise more accepting of her increased feminity, would keep on needling and belittling her.

Mocking her efforts, all of her hard work, all for his sake. No matter how much she tried and failed, she would get back up and try again, and he would just mock the results once more. She knew he didn't mean to offend, not really. She knew he'd stop as soon as she let him know she was feeling hurt. But she couldn't let the mask slip down anymore, and so she just kept on trying and trying, no matter what...

A date was announced for their wedding. It hadn't been Akane's idea, but she had accepted it regardless. She did her best to organize a real wedding, not a fiasco like their first time, and since now everyone was actually helping instead of getting in the way, things actually looked fine. Akane inwardly feared that just meant a bigger disappointment ahead the road, but as the days passed and nothing happened, she stopped worrying about that so much and concentrated on the wedding feast... the sole part of the organization that still resisted her, with claws and teeth.

Everyone had gently tried to pull her away from the kitchen, and even Ranma softened his snark while trying to reason with her. But she wouldn't give up, with a feverish drive to not let this damn thing triumph over her. She would conquer it no matter what, no matter the price, and she would do it before the deadline, too! Eventually, everyone backed away, and Akane smiled to herself, thinking they had finally come to trust her on the subject. She kept on working, even as her experiments all bubbled green or purple and tasted horrible when she tried them, but she was sure she was getting better and better with each attempt.

She was wrong, but delusion was a powerful force.

Not powerful enough, however, to blind her to reality when she overheard Kasumi and Ukyo talking about preparing a full meal course for everyone behind her back, in secret from her. Just so the wedding wouldn't be ruined.

Just so, in Akane's opinion, Akane wouldn't ruin the wedding, even if those exact words never were uttered.

The old, young Akane would have brashly confronted them on the subject and conflict would have ensued. This Akane only scurried away, just as angry and frustrated but unable to lash out with verbal or physical violence.

She stomped and seethed her way over to her kitchen, and possessed by a manic rage, began cooking twice as fast and energically. But this time the intent was different. She was still going to show them all, but this time...

She would do so by poisoning the fuck out of all those bastards.

---

"Oh my!" Kasumi blinked, angelically surprised. "This... This is delicious, Akane-chan!"

"Why, indeed, it is!" Kodachi could only agree, blinking several times. "My congratulations, Tend-- Saotome-san," she finished a bit more quietly. "And you did this all without any help? My congratulations..."

"You know, it's just like in the movies, disaster only can be prevented at the last second," the groom smiled, happily scarfing down as his lovely bride smiled gently. "Thank you so very much, Akane. I... I know how much this meant to you, really."

And then Akane really felt bad about it, but it wasn't like she could do anything now, right? She had just fed them enough poison as to kill them all several times over. They were all beyond saving, it was just a matter of time before they fell one by one, starting with the weakest (that was, Gosunkugi-kun). Ranma was right about something, though, this meant so much to her...

---

Nobody died.

Nobody even got sick of the stomach for once.

They all left waving and smiling and cheering for them, and that was when Akane realized the world was, indeed, a hideously horrible and miserable place. The next day came over, and right after dawn, the very first thing Akane did after rising from the nuptial bed (where, admittedly, she had just spent a VERY good time) was rushing over to the phone and eagerly ask if they all were okay.

They all were. And Akane sank into the deepest of depressing abysses, not that a blissfully happy Ranma noticed.

So she made sure of poisoning both of their breakfasts, to put an end to the farce already.

"Wow, Akane-chan!" he smiled, using the honoriffic on her for the first time ever, and smiling oh so sweet and lovingly. "This is even better than last night's food, you literally can taste the love in it..."

Akane, very pale and horrified, nodded stiffly and then served him and herself seconds. Well, they were both strong as bulls, no doubt she only had to increase the dose...

---

Ranma and Akane spent the next few decades in the most blessed, prosper marriage anyone could imagine.

He became one of the most respected martial artists in the planet, winning several installements of the Tenkaichi Budokai, the Mahorafest Tournament, and even two Mortal Kombats. His books on the subject (well, the techniques were all of his but Gosunkugi-kun did all the actual writing, Ranma still couldn't redact a text to save his life) and his training videos became best sellers pushing the Saotome-Tendo Dojo into a juggernaut of franchises that Nabiki was all too happy to run for them.

They had five lovable, excellent children, even if Haruna was a bit... loopy in the head and Kazuya ended up marrying his robot maid. They had good friends gained from prior bitter enmity, and life seemed to smile at them at each turn as often as Akane did. They all said she was the angel keeping it all together, with her good humor and her devotion and, naturally, her divine cooking, which had netted her so many prizes and honors.

But Akane was more miserable than ever.

Every day, year after year, week after week, she would try to poison herself and those around her to no results whatsoever. She studied the techniques of the best Masters. She secretly hired mercs to raid the Arkham Asylum files and bring her the notes of Napier and Isley. She had secured copies of the Semiramis files from Chaldea. She copied and improved on their exotic recipes of death, to the best of her lauded capacities, and everything anything would ever tell her was "Wow, Akane! I don't know how, but you just keep topping yourself...!"

Sometimes, Akane would lock herself in her kitchen to cry, all alone.

Until one evening, she just sighed after another good long cry and decided it was time to stop making herself feel bad. Why not to just pamper herself for once? She'd cook something nice and warm, just for herself, she hadn't tried that in a while...

---

The funeral was, fittingly enough, during a gray and rainy afternoon, and everyone cried their hearts out, but no one more than the shattered widower and the older daughter, who clung to his husband as Negi held her tight and rubbed her scalp, whispering sweet comforts to her. The younger daughter, Otome-chan, was fairly shaken as well, her Tanukichi holding her hand for support.

Finally, Ukyo rubbed her eyes and softly voiced what everyone had been thinking the whole time. "Why would she do it? She always was so happy...!"

Nabiki sighed and looked away, but said nothing.

---

The End.

---

By the way, no, Shampoo never married Mousse, why would you ever think that?

 

[OverMaster]

Thirty One Clown Princesses on Amber.

Hush, You!

---

"-- so you'll be a good crazy clowngirl and stay put there until your father and I settle this business, won't you?" the heavily bandaged man in the trenchcoat growled as he finished tying Ako to the chair, then turning to his hideout's phone. He picked it up and made a call. "Hello. Hush here."

"..." said someone from the other end of the line.

"... well?" Hush finally asked. "Who are you? You aren't the Joker, are you?"

"... you told me to hush," said a tiny voice dubiously, and Hush ran a hand down his face.

"Okay, which one of the Joker's girls are you?" he asked.

"I'm Makie, who are you?"

"Hush."

"..."

"Isn't the Joker there?"

"..."

"I asked you a question!"

"But, but first you asked me to hush! You asked twice, even!"

"That's my name, you little idiot! I'm Hush!"

"I'm sorry, which one was you, I mean, which one were you, again?" Makie asked. "The guy with the pig mask, right?"

"The guy with the-- No! You know, Hush! The sinister, cold, calculating mastermind and master of disguise fond of quoting Aristotle!"

"Aris-- who?"

Hush took a deep breath in. "I wear bandages all over my face!"

"Ah, you're the mummy!" Makie happily said. "Hello, Mr. Mummy, may I help you?"

"I'm not 'the mummy'! I'm Hush! HUSH!"

"..."

"Now listen, I have your sister Ako with me as my hostage, and I will kil her unless your father gives back the arms shipment he stole from me last week. I know he'll throw any of you under the train, so I'm counting on you and your mother to convince him otherwise or else. Can you tell him to drag his sorry white ass to the phone so I can have a few words with him?"

"..."

"Answer! Can you?!"

"You told me to hush! Again!"

"That's my name!"

"Oh. yeah, that's right. Sorry," Makie apologized as Ako popped out a small knife from under a sleeve behind Hush's back. "Daddy's not home right now, and neither's Mom. It's only Ku-chan, Asuna and I at home tonight. Maybe I should tell them instead? Would you be okay with that, Mr. Mummy?"

"Hush!!"

"..."

He sighed miserably. "Yes, tell any of them to come over. No way they can be any dumber than you..."

He waited patiently while, behind him, Ako was cutting her ropes diligent and quietly. Meanwhile, Makie gestured over to Asuna and Ku Fei, who sat before the TV watching UQ Holder. "Mmm?" Ku noticed her gestures at last. "What is it, Maki-chan?"

Makie kept on gesturing with a hand for them to come closer, but never saying a word. Asuna raised an eyebrow. "What, a game of pantomime? Are we mimes again? Okay, let me guess, you are Chief O' Hara and you're fooling around with the red phone again...?"

Ku sighed at her sisters' foolishness and took the phone. "Oh please, Asuna-chan! Mochi-mochi? Ku-roshi here, who speaking...?"

"Hush."

"..." Ku Fei said.

"I mean, I'm called Hush."

"Ah!" Ku Fei smiled. "The mummy-aru!"

"I'M NOT A MUMMY!"

"Who is it?" Asuna asked Makie.

"Hush," Makie said.

"Huh? Why? It's that important a call?"

"No, he said he was Hush before hushing me."

"Oh, I remember him now! The mummy!"

"I CAN HEAR YOU TOO! I'M TELLING YOU I'M NOT A MUMMY! I'M HUSH! HUSH!!"

"..." Makie, Asuna and Ku Fei said.

"... I'm not hushing you."

"Yes, you are. You told we to and everything," Ku Fei said.

"No, that's my name!"

"You didn't tell us 'Mummy', you told us 'Hush'!" Asuna said, taking the phone away from Ku.

"That's because I'm not a mummy! I'm--"

"Hush?" Makie asked, taking the phone back in turn.

"Don't you dare hushing me, you idiot!" Hush growled at her while Ako pulled the last few ends of rope off herself.

"I wasn't hushing you, Hush, I was telling you your own name. Don't tell me you already forgot you're Hush, how dumb can you get?"

"ENOUGH! You won't mock me anymore! Hush already, all three of you! HUSH!!"

"..." Makie, Asuna and Ku Fei all said.

Hush rasped. "That's better. Don't speak again until I've finished my message. Now, as I was telling your sister, I have your other sister--" he elaborated as Ako snuck up behind him holding a huge knife she'd just taken from his kitchen. "-- AAARGH!!"

Makie blinked. "Our sister Aaargh? Don't you mean A--"

"Huuuusssshhh!" Ku Fei and Asuna hushed her.

Makie pouted. "Uwaaa! Sorry, I forgot! You know I'm a wee bit dumb! I'll wait for him to finish, promise!"

So they stood there and waited.

Half a hour later, they still were standing there waiting. "... you know, I'm starting to think he's just trolling us," Asuna finally said.

Then Ako walked in through the front door. "Oh, good evening, how are you girls?" she waved at them. "Sorry to be so late, I ran into someone in my way from the market..."

"Ako-chan!" Makie said. "I thought you were with Mr. Mummy!"

"Oh, that guy?" Ako smiled, patting the knife in her new trenchcoat's pocket. "Never mind about him now. I just hushed him!"

Click to shrink...

 

[alethiophile]

Akane the Master Poisoner.

Click to shrink...

This is way funnier than it has any right to be.

 

[OverMaster]

Thank you very much!

 

[OverMaster]

One Froppy Evening.

"Oh, how cuuuute!" Tsuyu said, opening the box she'd just found and finding a small green frog inside. "A new pet...!"

And then, after turning bland, bored eyes up to her, the frog energetically leaped out of the box and onto her table, pulling a small cane and top hat out of.. somewhere... and starting to dance and sing grandiously.

"Hello, mah baby, hello mah honey,
Hello mah ragtime gal,
Send me a kiss by wire,
Baby, my heart's on fire!
If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me
And you'll be left alone
Oh baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your owwwwwwwwwwn!"


Tsuyu's eyes lit up considerably. "You're a singing frog...! What an amazing Quirk for a froggie, wait until everyone finds out...!"

---

"... have you gone fucking insane?" Bakugou curtly asked.

"Ah! But I swear he was singing moments ago!"

---

"... ribbit," the frog said.

Hagakure frowned slightly, now somewhat concerned. ".... oh, okay... Um, I'm sure he'll sing as soon as he's ready and all, but for now, why don't we forget about..."

"But no, I'm telling you he did it! For real! More than once already! Maybe he's just shy before others..."

---

"Croak!" the frog said.

Izuku blinked, then scratched his head, unsure of what to say. "Okay, so... umm... maybe, maybe there was someone singing nearby, and then you just happened to--"

Tsuyu sighed and picked the frog back up. "Sorry I wasted your time, Midoriya-kun..."

---

"The time was in June,
The bees humm'd a tune
The perfume of rose fill'd the air,
When just o'er the way,
Sat a baby one day,
All alone and so one one seem'd to care,
But one passer by,
Turn'd and look'd with a sigh,
At the tears and the eyes swollen red,
Then close to her breast,
The young darling she press'd,
And tenderly to her she said--"


Sitting miserably by the lonely road with the frog singing by her side, Tsuzu exhaled another heavy sigh. "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong with you..."

Then a voice coming from seemingly nowhere spoke up, and the frog froze in place, paling instantly. "Wrong? What could you have done wrong, you just taught a frog how to sign! And he's awesome at it, too!"

"Ah! Toru-chan!" Tsuzu happily said. "You were there?"

"Yes, always."

Somewhere else, Tsunetsuki Matoi sneezed.

The frog facepalmed, dropped down to his knees, and then fell on his webbed hands and knees. ".. I'm busted! Found out! It's over, how could this possibly happen to me...!"

"Isn't this," Invisible Girl asked as he broke into uncontrollable sobbing, "the point in the Looney Tune where he pulls a gun out and shoots himself?"

 

[OverMaster]

... and Don't Look Back.

Mizuhara Makoto, Hiraga Saito, Mochizuki Touya, Satou Kazuma, Sakamoto Takuma, Lord Momonga and Ichiro Suzuki all stared up at the just summoned, majestic God of the Magical World they'd been sent into.

Finally, the gigantic, imposing figure spoke his answer. "No, I will not help you."

"Eeeeehhh?!" Touya gasped. "But, why?!"

"Because you guys are just the worst," the God told them. "You were pulled away from your families, your worlds, your societies, with no explanation, and have you ever actually stopped to worry about those you left behind, to ponder how are they? No, you just enjoy your time here without giving a shit about Earth! Why should I help your kind of people, seriously?"

"Um, Momonga said, "I literally had no one back there I cared about or who cared about me..."

"Yes, and that's because you were the worst, just as you are now," the God summed up. "Next!"

"Everybody was mean to me, you can't blame me!" Kazuma complained as they were escorted out. "Come on, man, this is not fair...!"

"I'm under a spell, my Master can vouch for it!" Saitou protested. "Let's be reasonable, that's hardly my fault...!"

"Okay," the God ignored them, instead addressing the little blond girl who had just come to him. "What is your wish, Tanya Degurechaff?"

"You aren't Mysterious Being X, are you?" she curtly asked him.

"What? No, don't even mention that bastard in my presence, he took a whole line of shrines away from me and never bothered to repay me. Is that what you wanted to know?"

"No, no! I just want to go back to the life of firing salarymen I had back on Earth! I have been longing for that this whole time, nonstop...!"

"See, now you're being sincere about it. I think we can work something out. Just to be sure, however, please tell me the names of three loved ones you want to see again, back in your world?"

"Uhhhhh..."

He sighed. "Next...!"

The next in line, a large strongman, a beautiful actress, and a red haired teen girl, all riding on a tank, looked at each other in concern. "This won't end well either, will it?" Junpei predicted.​

 

[OverMaster]

Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

---

Beast.

Tohsaka Tokiomi stared, wide eyed and pale, up at the gigantic creature that had just appeared at the middle of the summoning circle instead of the King of Heroes. "This isn't happening...!" he finally could utter.

The collossal scaly aberration fixed its inhuman eyes on him, and then swoop down, its mouth hugely open. In a single gulp, it swallowed Tokiomi whole, to Risei's horrified shock and Kirei's quiet fascination. They could see the figure of their ally slowly descending, bulging into the monster's throat and then its stomach, as the fiend lazily slid around the room, settling itself for a nap after its meal...

... and then, just as slowly, its anchor to the World severed, it disappeared.

Risei only could keep on gawking in terror, but Kirei eventually gained enough presence of mind as to simply hum an enlightened, "But of course... What other kind of snake could have ever stolen anything from Gilgamesh, after all?"

 

[OverMaster]

You Got That Wrong!

Rider laughed arrogantly, striking a confident pose. "Remember my name by the death from my passing! Temeroso el Draque! I am the woman who set the sun! You rascals, it's time! The king of storms, a swarm of ghosts, this is the beginning of the Wild Hunt!"

And Archer blinked. "Temeroso el Draque?"

"Indeed!" she smiled, shaking some pink hair off her face. "That means Fearsome Drake, you foolish weakling! You--"

"Um, no," the Nameless Hero said. "In Spanish, the word for Fearsome is Temible. Temeroso means 'cowardly' or 'scaredy'..."

Rider stopped laughing. "... what. No, you're lying!"

"I'm not," Archer firmly said. "Wait, all this time, you've been calling yourself that? You're a pirate, didn't you ever have any Spanish speaking sailors to set you straight on the subject?"

"Um, actually, the Spaniards were the enemy, and I didn't confraternize with-- Masterrrrrrr!" she called back to Shinji. "He's got it wrong, doesn't he?! Temeroso is 'Fearsome', isn't it...?!"

Shinji gulped. "Ah, well, you'll see, the truth is--"

Rider tugged down on her hat until it covered most of her face, and Hakuno couldn't help but feeling a bit bad for her. "You're the worst, you knew it the whole time and you never said anything...! No wonder all Servants laughed at me...!"

"W-Well, but we still blew them up afterwards, so who laughed last, huh? Huh?!"

"You did, of course! You were laughing at me behind my back all those times, weren't you?!"

"What-What does that matter at all now?!" Shinji demanded. "Just blow them up already, too!"

By now, however, Archer had finally finished chanting Unlimited Blade Works and unleashed it on her, utterly destroying her.

Hakuno turned back to the camera. "And that is why you shouldn't ever give yourself names from the language of your enemies that you refuse to learn properly. Otherwise you will die killed by a field of blades."

Wise words we all should live by.

 

[OverMaster]

Ramón 1/2.

"... and this is the sad result!" Genma sniffled exaggeratedly while still holding the bucket over his son's head. "Now, whenever Ranma gets wet, he's transformed into an illegal Latin American immigrant!"

Soun pondered that in a stunned silence for a moment, then pulled a single coin out of his pocket and threw it at Ranma. "Go paint the whole front of this house right now, boy!"

"¡S-Si, señor!"

 

[OverMaster]

'X' Doesn't Mark the Spot.

"Behold!" Xenahort smiled, spreading his arms. "The members of my new Organization XIII!"

They stepped out of the shadows one by one, revealing their names.

"Xaddalin!"

"Traxnaz!"

"Lasex!"

"Xicchopnio!"

"Moxtin!"

"Baxpuum!"

"Braxossba!"

"Clixnop!"

"Xohri!"

"Mabyaxx, your reliable medical support unit of Darkness."

"Magrexa here, boy. Hey, old man, how much were you paying us, again?"

"Xienzh Doofxx-- I mean, Hieznx Shimertx--- I mean, oh, you know what, forget it! Just call me 'Doctor X' and let's be done with it!!"

Sora, Donald and Goofy just stared on incredulously for a moment, before Donald looked back at Xenahort and said, "You know, it doesn't really work that well with us Disney characters."

Xenahort's shoulders drooped, and he sighed. "No, I guess they don't sound as dramatic anymore, do they? It seemed like a decent idea at first, though..."

 

[OverMaster]

Hasegawa Chisame stared incredulously at the girl who had just appeared in her room.

She wore a simple enough, yet rather stylish dress in light purple, white and pink, with a hood on her head and a long cape decorated with floral motifs attached to her shoulders. Her eyes were quiet and stoic, behind glasses that were much smaller than Chisame's but conveyed a similar air of seriousness and dry calm. Well, not that Chisame was much calm right now, but at the same time, she was too startled to really strat freaking out yet, either.

"I am," said the young woman who had just appeared, with all the air of someone who just didn't want to be there at all, "Servant Assassin. Are you my Master?"

---

Saotome Haruna gasped, more than a bit thrilled and rathed excited-- no, both things are not always the same, even if they often are-- at the sight of a small girl who had just appeared out of nowhere in her manga studio, after her clubmates had left to leave her handling her deadline. The deadline was not important now, though, as this girl barely any taller than Nodoka, and with no much of an advantage in build either, looked at her with carefully guarded large dark eyes, the tiny octopus perched on her right shoulder staring at Haruna, and most specifically at Haruna's chest, with an expression that more than matched Haruna's own on its simple-lined round face.

The strange girl was simply lovely, with the appearance of a traditional doll, pale skin and jet black hair. Even her black, red and white kimono, while snug enough around her slender boy, was as old fashioned as they came... but the same could not be said about the large tool shaped like a huge paintbrush attached to her back.

"Greetings," the visitor, for Haruna could not bring herself to think of her as an intruder, bowed respectfully at her. "You may address me as Servant Foreigner. I ask of you, would you happen to be my Master?"

---

Murakami Natsumi gasped and backed away quickly from this strange man who had suddenly appeared to her while she was alone in the Mahora Academy theater, cleaning up after another session of rehashal.

"Hmm?" the tall, roguishly handsome man smiled at the small young woman's evident panic. Then he fell into a sweeping, grand bowing with a flamboyant wave up of a hand. "Oh, I see! My sudden entrance has startled you, as it should, for I see you are a fair maiden of great purity and innocence, to match your amiable appearance. Fret not, however, my Master, for only you may be the hand that has brought me upon this world. Since alas, who else stands here, to claim the privilege of such a deed?!" he stood straight, gesturing even more dramatically, and scaring the freckled girl even moreso. "Indeed, I shall refer you as the Master of I, Servant Caster, during this Holy Grail War, my young mistress! The stage is set for our greatest joint triumph, and what better venue than this palace of arts?!"

"W-W-wah-War?!!" Natsumi cried out frantically. "What, war, wah, what in the world...?!"

--

Izumi Ako only could stare, helplessly, at the tall woman who had simply appeared out of thin air before her in the infirmary, towering over her with her pale, sterile visage and her impressively jutting bustline.

This woman, whoever she was, and Ako was too afraid to ask, only looked back at her for a moment, enough as to verify she was not dirty or injured. Then she looked all around the room. "These sanitary conditions," she flaly stated then, "are not completely unacceptable, but neither enough for the care of soldiers during a mass conflict. We shall fix that shortly, but first I must ask whether you are the one who summoned me or not."

"I.." Ako began articulating something at last, "I don't even know who are you, Ma'am! Wh-Where did you come from, the door was locked, I was about to--!"

"I am Servant Berserker, naturally," the woman's sharp, but also blunt eyes dropped back on her immediately, and Ako felt like suddenly suffocating under the weight of an anvil. "Logic dictates you must be my Master, since there is no one else in sight, plus you wear the outfit of our sacred duty. It will be a pleasure working with you, I am sure. Let us save all lives offered in this War, even if we are to snuff them in the bud for it."

"I, I don't understand any of what you are saying, at all!"

"It would seem you don't. Sit down and I'll take your temperature. For some reason that escapes me, you appear to be under the effects of some manner of abrupt nervous shock..."

---

Guilt by Association.

---

Based on the works of Type-Moon and Akamatsu Ken.

---

Part One of Two.

 

[OverMaster]

The Worst of Us All.

"It's the Bat!" Scarecrow screamed as the window exploded from the outside, forcing every villain in the gathering to pull back and shield themselves from flying shards as best as they could. All but Joker, naturally, who just stood there drawing out without a care in the world, and somehow not getting hit by any sharp piece of glass in any vital spot.

"Batman! Darling, now the party's really complete! Ah ha ha ha-- hah?"

The Bat had landed on his feet, grim and solemnly, before the assembled freaks of Gotham in the large abandoned warehouse, casting his long, sinister shadow over them. By his side stood a confidently smiling young man in bright red, yellow and green, small fists on his hips. "Correction!" he said, with a voice that hadn't even broken yet. "Now it's Batman... and Robin, the Boy Wonder!"

The freaks simply shared bewildered, shocked glances over this strange new sight.

"Yes, there is now another avenger of the night out to terrorize your kind," Batman growled at them. "You may boast about your numbers, but you hardly are the only ones growing into a legion. The good people of Gotham will also stand up and--"

"You. Are. The. Worst," Joker hissed icily.

Batman blinked. "Excuse me?"

"I mean, for Pete's sake!" Joker threw his arms open. "At least we don't drag goddamn children into this! And no, Baby-Doll doesn't count, she's thirty-eight, and you know it!" he hastily added as soon as it looked Batman was about to object.

"Thirty two, actually!" Baby-Doll badly lied.

"Yeah, geez, Batman, how couldja?" Killer Croc growled. "Is this another try to get one over Superman? You've gotta stop obsessin' over that, man. So yeah, he pulled a girl into his gig, but at least she isn't like twelve, and at least she can tank fucking missiles..."

"For real," Bane shook his head in disapproval. "Looks like this kid's gonna break if I touch him with a finger! What, what were you thinking, seriously?! Is this your son?"

"My-- noooo!" Batman gasped.

"... that only makes it even creepier then," Harley Quinn opined. "You into putting others' kids into panties and elf boots now?"

"Actually, it'd be much creepier if he was his son, assuming he isn't lying to us--" Poison Ivy began.

"I'm not!" Batman protested.

"-- but it's still the most messed up thing I've ever seen either way," Poison Ivy finished. "As much as I hate to say it, Joker's right this time, you're just the worst, Batman."

Batman looked throughly heartbroken and shaken, then looked at Two-Face. "At least you'll give me a 50/50 chance, won't you? Won't you flip to hear my version and--"

"No, half of me just is against your depravity on general principle, and the other half will just take any chance to rag on you anyway," Dent explained. "There's no need to flip the coin this time."

".. you hang out with a pedo, though..." Batman said with a tiny voice, sheepishly pointing at Mad Hatter.

"Those are slanders and fabrications!" Tetch cried out. "Dave Mc Kean's art was too mishapen, there's no way that would've been me!"

The villains stared sternly at Batman, then bluntly showed him the door. Downcast, he dragged his feet out, muttering to himself and ocassionally stifling a sob.

Robin blinked at the menagerie. "So... what are you going to do to me now?"

Joker sighed and tossed him a few coins. "Go and call yourself a cab before I grab a crowbar and smash your skull to pieces, twerp. And then we'll forever pretend nothing of this ever happened..."

---

"And that's why I'm still working in a circus while pushing seventy and when nobody gives a shit about circuses anymore!" Dick Grayson shook a fist at the punk kids bothering him after the performance. "Now beat it or else, you hear me?!"

 

[OverMaster]

Four Souls.

"A thief! A thief!" the organizer was shouting now, running after a man who fled him while holding a large full bag. "Hey, you, stop that thief!"

Peter Parker briefly pondered just to let the guy get away, since after all the organizer had just scammed him, but then Uncle Ben's saying on power and responsibility gnawed on him, and with a sigh, he stepped onto the thief's way. "Hey there, pretty eyes! Where you going in such a hurry?"

"Out of my way, masked idiot!" the man shouted, just as Pete wondered what was that sudden buzzing in the back of his brain right now, and then the thief had a gun pressed right against his chest, and oh, had just that been some kind of warn-

BLAM.

---

Ben Parker looked out his car's window. Peter had called him and told him to wait for him there, that he had big news and a surprise for him, but... not only he wasn't coming out of the building just yet, but what was that commotion coming from the inside right now? As Parker pondered getting in and checking on it himself, a man ran out of the building, madly brandishing a gun around. "Hey, man!" he shouted. "Get outta the car! I'm serious, man, I'm in a real hurry! Don't try anything, see?!"

Ben blinked, taken aback. "Hey, hey, come on now, young man. Surely you--"

"Damn you, I warned you, didn't I?!"

BLAM, BLAM.

---

"--- and so the two people I ever loved the most were dead all of a sudden! Of course I had a heart attack!" May Parker explained herself, while sitting slightly behind on the same cloud, Peter and Ben sighed together. She then smiled pleasantly at the newcomer. "But that's enough about us, dear. You must have your own story, and if sharing it makes you feel any better..."

Matt Murdock shrugged his shoulders. "Well, there was this crazed scientist with four metal arms rampaging through the city, and since the Fantastic Four and Avengers were all out of the city, I was the only one left to face him..."

 

[OverMaster]

The Life Aquatic.

"Ah!" Negi gasped, blocking a blow from Ku Fei in her shark costume. "The shark knows kenpo?!"

Then he spun around and ducked under a tentacle slash from Kaede in her octopus costume. "And, and the octopus knows ninjutsu?!"

Next he dodged the rapid stun gunfire from Mana in her seal costume. "And the seal is packing heavy weaponry?!"

That thought was interrupted when he had to parry the chain of kicks a grinning Chao in a giant crab costume was tossing at him from another angle. "The crab knows mixed Chinese martial arts?!"

Ayaka winced at she watched this from the seaside bushes, along a softly giggling Chizuru. "Your family isn't going to be happy when they learn how much you must have paid to get Tatsumiya-san wear that getup..."

"Oh, some things are just worth all of that and more," Chizuru fondly said.

"Ahhhhh! The oddly mechanic looking dolphin with antennae is shooting missiles at me!"

 

[OverMaster]

Apocryphal Evangelion.

"Shinji," Ikari Gendou said dryly. "Yor appearance... it doesn't matter. All what matters now is, you must pilot the Evangelion unit and destroy the Angel. Otherwise, the fate of mankind will be completely lost. Decide quickly, boy. We have no room for useless people here."

The boy still doubted, but after a glance at the hot blue haired babe on the stretcher, and another at the even hotter woman who had brought him here, he felt a cocky grin coming to him. "Sure thing... let's do it!" he decided.

Hadn't he always dreamed of being a powerful mecha pilot, anyway? And if he pulled it off, and with a machine that rad he just had to, all those babes, including the blonde in the swimsuit and lab coat, would be all over him as thanks! Score!

---

"-- something's wrong!!" Maya cried out as the EVA was ejected towards the surface. "Suddenly, the Evangelion has started rejecting the Child! Compatibility has fallen under 12%!"

Ritsuko facepalmed. "I knew it! I bloody knew it, goddammit...!"

---

In another, smaller city, Ikari Shinji chuckled bitter and sadly. "What he did he do? Well, as soon as I showed him Katsuragi-san's picture he accepted, naturally. He should be okay, he knows me well enough as to last a few days at least, and what's the worst they'll do to him? It's not like Father really cares either way. I'll bet you he didn't even keep pictures of me around. I know Uncle never sent him any, so--"

"Damn, Ikari, that's so cold of you. Kind of stupid, too," the boy sitting before him said. "It doesn't matter if the bastard ignored you this long, he's just called you over through a smoking hot woman, and he's super rich to boot! Had that been me, I'd never send a classmate who looks like me just to spite him!"

"It's a matter of pride, that's all. If Father didn't care enough until now, why should I care enough as to go grovel to him as soon as he shows the first signs of regr--" Shinji began to reason, right before both of them suddenly exploded into reddish primal liquid.

 

[OverMaster]

Law.

And then Shirou pointed at Gilgamesh with the sword. "There is no law that says a fake can't surpass the original!" he bravely shouted.

The King of Heroes paused. He blinked to himself for a couple of moments in contemplation, then reached into the Gate of Babylon and pulled a golden cellphone out.

"Hello? Hammurabi? Yes, I wanted to check... Did we ever get Law Number 8,681 edicted? No? Well, why the hell not, you miserable mongrel?! Ah-hah. Mm-hm. Very well. Fine. Goodbye then."

He flung the phone back and smirked arrogantly at Shirou. "Well, there is now!"

 

[OverMaster]

Dudes, She Was in Like a Coma!

Nine months after waking up, Snow White gave birth to seven tiny babies.

The Prince clenched a fist furiously. "Those damn fuckers...!"

---

Nine months after waking up, Aurora gave birth to a little Maleficent.

"This... This only raises further questions!" a confused Prince Phillip babbled.

---

Nine months after being rescued from the ruins of Ostia, Asuna gave birth to a tiny Averruncus.

Ayaka, somehow, beat Negi and Asuna herself to the finish line and managed to kill Fate herself.

Somehow.

 

[OverMaster]

Aaa! Megumi-sama!

"I'm the goddess Megumi," she smiled, advancing towards Keiichi with a sweetly teasing smile, "and I'm going to make all your wishes a reality..."

Then Morisato Takane walked in. "Megumi-chan, Keiichi-kun, dinner is almost... readyyyyyy..."

She stared uncomfortably at her two children, the younger splayed on all fours above the older, who rested with his back on the floor and a look of utter panic on his face. The youthful looking mother quickly closed the door and walked back to the table, sitting by her husband.

"Both seriously need to find themselves someone else," she told him.

---

Aaa! Haruhi-sama!

"Hey there!" the girl who had just appeared before Keiichi grinned from ear to ear. "I'm Haruhi, newest Super Recruit and Soon to be Divine Dictator for Eternal Life of the Goddess Relief Service! I'm here to fulfill any wish you have, as long as you are an ESPer, time traveler, slider or alien!"

"What if I'm none of those?!" Keiichi gasped.

"Then you will be my minion, of course! Ah ha ha ha ha!"

---

"Fuckin' genius!" 4chan proclaimed.

---

Aaa! Madoka-sama!

The pink haired girl smiled very sweetly at Keiichi. "How do you do? I'm Kaname Madoka, sent by the Magical Girl Relief Office to grant you any wish you may have!"

In the immortal words of Illyasviel von Einzbern, all Japanese men are Lolicons, and so...

---

"Damn you, Fujishima!!" Homura roared, kicking open the mangaka's front door and beginning to spray bullets inside...

---

Aaa! Nyarko-sama!

"Now our contract is complete, Keiichi-san!" happily blabbered the hideous, monstruous, unfathomable, vile, repulsive, otherwordly, despicable and indescriptibly sexy and adorable entity who had materialized into Morisato's room. "And this is the proof your existence as my Master!"

The dreaded, vociferant, fearsome, alien, forceful, unsettling, otherwordly, foreign, and also incredibly lovable and appealing creature handed him a large, shiny silver fork.

Keiichi blinked at it. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Stab me with it whenever you feel frustrated with me!" gleefully explained the twisted, deranged, terrifying, wicked, gruesome, intrusive, overwhelming but also far too cute and huggable being.

Keiichi stared at her in horror.

"Just so I miss my ex-boyfriend a little bit less," Nyarlathotep confessed.

 

[Darkenning]

"Just so I miss my ex-boyfriend a little bit less," Nyarlathotep confessed.

Click to shrink...

Awwwwww.

 

[OverMaster]

Sock It Up.

"Do you know what I hate the most about this place?" Two-Face asked the Joker, after they got the latest set of just washed and pressed prison clothes from the Arkham staff. "These guys never lose any of my socks! So I never can wear them mismatched!"

"They usally put itching powder in mine," Joker shared. "For some reason they seem to find that funny..."

---

Supervillains' Night Out.

"Well, time to leave then," Doctor Octopus said, slamming his empty jar on the supervillain bar's, well, bar. "You'll pay the tab as agreed, won't you, Mysterio?"

The Mysterio lifelike hologram that had been sitting with the other Sinister Six just vanished in thin air then.

"Why, that fucker--!" the Vulture shook a fist. "He did it again!"

So the five of them had to stay after hours doing dishes and cleaning the floors of Mr. Hyde's vomit. Thankfully, extra metal arms and symbiote tendrils help a lot when you're charged with chores such as those...

---

LEGO Bible Black.

From the same creators who brought you The LEGO Movie, LEGO Batman, LEGO Simpsons, LEGO Scooby Doo, LEGO Guardians of the Galaxy, LEGO Harry Potter, LEGO Frozen, LEGO Star Wars, LEGO Jurassic Park, LEGO Indiana Jones and LEGO Lord of the Rings...

LEGO Kitami took her LEGO miniskirt down her short, stubby legs, then inserted an extra block on her crotch, which protuded prominently. "I am a Master Builder..." she smiled evilly, "of demonic Futanari!"

LEGO Nonokusa blinked, then couldn't help but falling on her back, laughing hysterically.

LEGO Kitami frowned. "This just doesn't work at all in this format," she cleverly deduced.

 

[OverMaster]

Gollum Lantern.

The small boat with two even smaller creatures on it warily approached the dead body floating in the water. "What... What is it, Smeagol?" gulped the smaller and younger of the two, as his bolder companion reached over with an arm, slowly turning the body around. It was some manner of being he had never seen before, taller than a Dwarf or even a human, clad in some strange form fitting bright green outfit the likes of which were completely unknown to him as well.

This corpse was badly hurt and bruised, to such a degree its face was unrecognizable, but it had never been that of Hobbit, Dwarf, Elf or Man, that was for sure. None of that mattered now, however, as Smeagol only could think of the shiny, green object he was slipping off the body's inert finger.

"My birthday gift..."

---

Sinestro smiled down perfidly at his downed, pathetic foe. "A commendable effort, little savage," he said. "But ultimately as pointless as any other opposition this miserable world of yours could pose to me. Let us not make this farce any longer. Hand the ring over, and I swear your death will be swift and painless."

Seething under his heel, Smeagol narrowed his eyes and showed his bleeding teeth and gums off, staring viciously at him. With renewed vigor born from stubborn obstination, his willpower flared, and his hand was blanketed all over by the energy of the green, gripping on Sinestro's foot and brutally twisting it around. As the renegade Lantern shouted, he was punched up and across the jaw by a sudden release of emerald energy, and then another, and another, in a mad quick succession, crude constructs with barely any shape to them hammering him up the atmosphere as a hideous voice gurgled, from the streak following him up, "No! Nooo! Noooo! Never my Precious! I'll never hand over my Precioussssss!!"

---

"We are sorry, but the Council stands against you on this matter," the other Guardians told a livid Ganthet. "It is true he features many a flaw of character and restrain, but we believe he can be channeled and shaped through power training into one of our best Lanterns. His willpower, after all, is second to none. You are overruled, brother."

They turned to the small creature still suspiciously glaring at them and protectively rubbing his ring, and told him, "Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps, Green Lantern of 2889.."

---

And that was how Guy Gardner became just the second most annoying partner Hal, Kyle and John ever had to work with.

 

[OverMaster]

The American Way.

"Captain Ku Fei!" shouted the pompadoured Kaoru-sempai, once again heading the assembled young fighters on the grounds of Mahora Academy. "Today, we will prevail! Prepare yourself!"

The younger, dark skinned blonde smiled, adopting a Crane Kung Fu position. "You so think? Then come on-aru! Prove yourselfes, and I admit you as rivals of worth at last!"

"Aaaaahhhhh!!" the boxers, judo-kas, kendo-kas, and other assorted martial artists roared, charging from all directions at the 2-A student... and then were easily sent flying away, everywhere, by a precise series of kicks from her, once more. Soom they were all incapacitated, splayed across the boulevard and wincing at the pain of their bruises. "This... This can't be! Nobody can be th-that invincible...!"

Then a blond boy Ku Fei didn't recognize stepped ahead from the crowd. "Ah!" someone said. "It's Tyler!"

"The new exchange student? The American?"

"Yeah, that's him! He wants to challenge Captain Ku? No way...!"

Ku Fei looked at the boy, who indeed was not physically remarkable, a bit pudgy and sporting thick glasses. "Boy, you here to challenge me?"

"I think... I guess?" he said. "One of the boys here dared me, and..."

Ku smirked. "Then I go easy on you. Show me, how you fight in American country, aru!"

"Okay," Tyler said, quickly pulling a handgun out and shooting her through the head.

The other students all stared on in sheer undiluted horror and disbelief.

"... What?!" Tyler said. "Come on, guys, that's how we settle things in American schools...!"

 

[OverMaster]

Top Ten Anime that Could be Improved Replacing their Leads with Batman Villains.

10. Sword Arkham Online.

9. My Little Riddler Can't be this Cute.

8. The World Maxie Zeus Only Knows.

7. Puddin' in the Franxx.

6. Bible Black Mask.

5. Kill La Killer Moth.

4. Fate: Today's Menu for the Condiment King Family.

3. Highschool of the Deadshot.

2. In Another World with my Solomon Grundy.

1. Revolutionary Ojii-san Ra's al Ghul.

 

[OverMaster]

Shounen Jump.

"Well," Takahata said, "your father liked One Piece the best. Good thing it's still running, even if it takes another ten years freeing him it'll still be around, and I know he'll be excited on having so much to catch up to. Rakan liked something called To Love Ru, he said it was super interesting, but I never learned why, they wouldn't let me look at those pages. Kurt liked Death Note the best. Al was more of a Slam Dunk fan, although I'm convinced he only read it for all the men in basketball shorts. My master and Zecht never had any use for the magazine, and Eishun was fond of Rurouni Kenshin. Your mother actually liked Bobobo... I never understood the appeal, but she said it made her laugh... and I used to like Naruto, but luckily I grew up!"

Then he smiled fondly at the boys. "So, what about you two? What are your favorite Jump series then, Negi-kun, Kotaro-kun?"

"Mine's Assassination Classroom," Negi said. "It's refreshing coming back from a day of students trying to kiss you to read about students trying to kill their teacher. And Kotaro's is Nisekoi!"

"Of courrrrse not!" Kotaro growled, blushing at the truth. "It's Fist of the North Star, damn it! Fist of the North Star! I, I just read that other thing to laugh at how bad it keeps getting!"

 

[OverMaster]

Girl Power.

"Haruna-san's father..." Negi mused aloud.

A large image of Ranma-chan appeared winking above him.

"Nagase-san's mentor in the ways of the ninja...!" Negi rubbed his chin in thought.

A large image of Naruto-san in Sexy no Jutsu Mode appeared winking above him.

"That's it!" Negi said, slamming his fist into the palm of his other hand. "To become as strong a fighter as them... I must learn how to turn into a woman!"

"Wait, say what?!" Chamo cried.

It was no surprise to anyone that he developed such a technique very quickly. What surprised everyone, however, was how it made him look completely identical to Queen Arika.

That, and he never could master the sexy winking all that well.

 

[OverMaster]

Reverse.

And then the harems broke in, and saw Kirito, Shirou, Negi, Ranma, Keitaro, Rito, Tenchi, Keiichi, Kodaka, Raku, Kyon, Hayate, Itoshiki, Kyosuke, Otaru, Seina, Hibiki, Makoto, the other Makoto, Producer-san, Saito and Shiki all being violently done by a bunch of old, ugly, fat naked women.

---

Shounen Adam and Eve.

After waiting in vain over several decades, Kami-sama ended up undoing His plans for this humankind thing. Adam and Eve refused to ever have babies or even get ahead with their relationship, the former spending all of his time fighting the snake while Eve would punch him every time she stepped into sight while naked...

---

Shoujo Adam and Eve.

It took Eve-chan twelve volumes to decide between charming bad boy Snake and resident nice but gullible guy Adam-kun.

Further complicating things was Adam-kun's wordly and sexy ex-girlfriend, Lilith...

---

Visual Novel Adam and Eve.

One fateful night, Adam accidentally summoned a mythical figure from the past... wait a moment...

---

Light Novel Adam and Eve.

Sorry, at this point writing hasn't been invented yet.

---

Isekai Adam and Eve.

"Adam," Kami-sama said, "I have just transported you to this new world because--"

"A new world? This is the beginning of the universe? All worlds are new! What was the point of transporting me to this one? What can I do here that I couldn't have done back on Earth too?" Adam asked.

"For starters, you will be able to lord your technological superiority and different culture over the inhabitants of this fantasy world," Kami-sama explained.

"I'm a naked man with no ancestors, no culture to speak of yet, and I haven't even invented fire! And what other inhabitants, this other world is brand new too! There's no one here but the two of us!"

So God created the first elf, the first troll, the first goblin, and the first tavern owner, so Adam could have others to interact with during the first Isekai story.

---

Ghibli Adam and Eve.

And so, Adam created the first flying machine, so he could have the requisite exquisitely animated, breathtaking sequences of flight across the blue skies and over the green prairies...

And so he could pluck that apple from that tree, of course.

---

Darkenning's Adam and Eve.

"Just remember," Kami-sama told them. "You are siblings, and also father and daughter, since you were created from his rib."

As soon as He turned around, they began having sex.

----

Chris Carter's Adam and Eve.

"So, after the murder, Cain runs away and enters a village where he meets a young woman he marries and has children with..."

And thus, the first plot hole born from plotting along the way came into being.

---

Unequally Adam and Eve.

Way too many characters.

---

Turkish Adam and Eve.

Adam is a flabby fifty six year old man, Eve is played by a young man in a nude suit and a wig, and they fight Evil Spider-Man instead of the snake.

---

Marvel Cinematic Universe Adam and Eve.

It takes one Kami-sama Movie, one Adam Movie, one Eve Movie, one Snake Movie, and one Tree of Knowledge Movie to get there, but finally...

"I am Groot!" the Tree said, violently keeping the apple away from the snake's reach.

Audiences went wild and they broke all box office records.

---

DC Cinematic Universe Adam and Eve.

The snake snaps Adam's neck by the end of the first movie, which prompts everyone to label it too pointlessly dark and dour.

Adam returns in the sequel, but it bombs badly.

---

The Asylum's Adam and Eve.

The snake is replaced by a cyborg ghost zombie alien shark with seven heads, and Kami-sama is a bad CGI effect only seen for two minutes.

---

Reboot Adam and Eve.

It does well, but grouchy online fans complain about making Kami-sama a female, Eve Asian, and the snake black.

---

Anno Hideaki's Rebuild of Adam and Eve.

The fourth movie takes so damn long, it actually comes out after the final Apocalypse Movie has been released.

---

Rob Liefeld's Adam and Eve.

They took one good look at each other with their white pupil-less eyes, felt deep mutual revulsion at what they saw, and never had any children.

Kami-sama was still happy though, since it meant he'd never have to worry about drawing the next issue. Besides, snakes were cool to draw because they had no feet.

---

Nintendo's Adam and Eve.

Then a crown fell on the snake's head, and the world's first forced meme was born.

 

[OverMaster]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9179688/1/More-than-Fifty-Four-Rin-and-Shirou-Threesomes

---

Five Years Later...

---

A lone figure slowly rose from the bloody mess of butchered flesh and broken bone. He took his head back and howled, more like an animal than a human being. "Tohsssaakaaaaaaa!! Your Pervert Disposal Kit couldn't kill me! I shall have my revenge....!! And you, your threesomes...!!"

And so he went and founded a ridiculously complex and huge organization to save the world.

And rope Tohsaka Rin and Emiya Shirou into unfunny threesomes.

Some men just have skewed priorities like that.

---

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created Fate/Stay Night, Fate Grand Order and everything in between.

I'm not making any money out of this, but I'm getting lots of sex because of my writing. Okay, that's a lie. The sex part, I mean.

Small children and animals shouldn't be exposed to this fanfiction piece, mostly because most animals can't read.

---

More than Fifty Four Rin and Shirou Threesomes.

Chaldea Edition.

---

Rin, Shirou and Olga Marie.

Tohsaka Rin had lost her sister to political maneuvers she could not or want to understand back then, but she still never questioned them.

She had then lost her father to the bloody carnage of a Holy Grail War. But she never questioned that either. She always had known such was one of the risks of the Heaven's Feel. A risk her father had tackled willingly, fully knowing about the chances as well. Had she known the full truth, she would have raged, but what good would that have done for her?

Next she had lost her mother, to long drawn insanity and consuming mania, a victim who had suffered too long before puffing out like a dying candle. Once again, Rin had not protested against the unfairness of it all, and accepted it with the grim resolve of a true Tohsaka.

Just as she accepted the offer of the Fourth War's winner, despite of what it personally meant for her. But politics once again took precedence, even when it meant working with the son of another survivor of that conflict her father had perished to. Probably the son of the man who had murdered her father. Or perhaps that other girl, haughty and superior in her granted-- not earned-- spot of authority, was the daughter of her father's assassin, instead. That didn't matter, now. Rin forged ahead with what she was supposed to do either way.

And the days became weeks, and then months, and finally years, and by the time Rin lost Olga Marie as well, to a fiery and cruel fate much worse than that of any of those other loved ones, Rin finally broke down and cried in Emiya's arms, for unlike with the others, nothing had really prepared her for this.

"I'll never leave you," he promised, hugging her tenderly as Shielder watched on in silence, but by now Rin better. Someday, he would leave her as well.

In the meanwhile, however, she would cling to him as much as she could.

And so, she did.

---

Rin, Shirou and Mash.

"Sempai," she always would call him, and that never failed to sound right.

"Sempai," she would always call her, and that... never felt quite right, actually.

But Rin was too proud, and would have felt too embarrassed of asking, "Won't you call me Onee-san instead?" to ever correct that obvious... whatever it was, actually.

----

Rin, Shirou and Saber (Artoria Pendragon).

Now this, indeed, felt right, correct, fair and harmonious from every angle Rin could think of. And she could tell Emiya felt the same as well, so she thankfully never had to ask him, which would have been too much of a bother, just like asking Mash-chan on the whole Onee-san thing...

Actually, by this point, shouldn't this be a Rin and Shirou Foursome?

---

Rin, Shirou and Saber (Artoria Pendragon Alter).

Now, as for this... well... actually, it didn't feel that right, correct, fair and harmonious anymore, and in more than a way it was actually sort of upsettling. But it still was hot, and Mash kind of liked having two Kings to serve, and it was nice at times that Rin could do one and Shirou could do the other, side by side, and whenever the two of them were together, that was so strangely exquisite to behold...

To hell with what the food suppliers said, this one was staying too.

Actually, by this point, shouldn't this be a Rin and Shirou Fivesome?

---

Rin, Shirou and Doctor Romani.

It never came to pass, actually. He always was too distant, as if building an invisible wall between himself and others. Always approchable but never reachable, always affable yet never really bonding, and while Mash suspected he and Leonardo-sama might have connected in a more personal level, well, now that was sort of out of discussion, was not it?

So after the Timeless Temple, while reflecting back on things, Rin would always feel the pain of the loss of a friend, but also, a small part of her, ribbing at her from the back of her mind, would never stop wondering about what could have been, as well.

---

Rin, Shirou and Caster (Leonardo Da Vinci).

"How longer?" Rin groaned, standing in the nude by Shirou's side.

"I'll tell you as soon as we are done," smiled the Mona Lisa, as enigmatically as ever, sitting cross legged as she carefully worked her magic on the canvas, and on her subjects as well, enjoying their strained stillness, but translating it to the painting as the bubbling sensuality eagerly waiting to burst out.

"I had no idea you would paint naked as well..." Shirou said while clenching his teeth.

"Only when doing nude portraits," she admitted innocently, unfolding those long legs and then crossing them back the other way. "It establishes more of a connection between author and subject."

"I'll give you your damned connection as soon as you're done..." Rin threatened, and the smile only grew even more beautiful and infuriating.

Regardless, the threat worked, as the masterful strokes became both faster and even more inspired.

Afterwards, they made real art together.

---

Rin, Shirou and Caster (Cu Chulainn).

"This," Caster finally said, looking at the ceiling while the two mere humans laid panting by his sides, unable to speak for the moment, "would have been better had I been a Lancer, too."

"I believe," Da Vinci said from where she cuddled with a very quiet and wide eyed Mash at another end of the huge bed, "you did make a remarkable spearing work all night long, regardless."

Actually, by now, shouldn't this be a Tales of Rin and Shirou's Harem fanfic, instead?

---

Rin, Shirou and Saber (Artoria Pendragon Lily).

"A-Actually..." Shirou stammered, looking at the nervous, petite Princess of Knights before them, "this isn't that right, correct, fair or harmonious any more, is it...?"

"No. No, it isn't," Alter declared solemnly. "Which is precisely why we must do it, Master."

"Please be gentleeeeeee!"

Shirou never could quite grasp the logic of that, but Rin guessed she kind of could. Although by now it was starting to feel sort of same-y...

---

To be continued.

 

[OverMaster]

Trial by Fire.

"Ah," said Gudako, never one to easily learn from experience. "So that is what happens when you tug Artoria's ahoge off! Now, I wonder what will happen if we do the same to Nero-chan...?"

Minutes later, Chaldea was going up in flames as the Red Saber played the violin.

 

[OverMaster]

The Reason.

"Gawrsh, Mickey," Goofy said then, "I been meaning to ask this for a while, why didja name your dog after the Roman god of death and the underworld?"

Mickey's sole answer to that was a sudden, truly demonic grin.

 

[tekablade]

Trial by Fire.

"Ah," said Gudako, never one to easily learn from experience. "So that is what happens when you tug Artoria's ahoge off! Now, I wonder what will happen if we do the same to Nero-chan...?"

Minutes later, Chaldea was going up in flames as the Red Saber played the violin.

Click to shrink...