Your advice helped immensely. I'm hoping that this is a bit better.
To Comfort in Spite
You are Ashen Weaver.
Right now, you are in your office- a new accommodation- and absently rubbing at your
Hoof- no, no… your
hoof. Sighing, you push it aside. The ache had been there for a full month already, and had merely dulled enough for you to get back to work in at least
some capacity.
The first week after that encounter, you'd ended up having to visit the Hospital as every step seemed to make the-... the
pain worse. The Doctors had been horrified, and… well, that was the past. What mattered now, was how it had impacted your work. Every day, you pushed through, focusing on your breathing and your Heartbeat to keep from going mad with pain. Honestly, scratching and biting at it had helped for a short time, before making it worse.
You signed your name on the latest setup for the scheduling, trying to ignore the phantom itch around your neck from where the collar had been strapped. The temporary relief wasn't worth the long-term worsening of the pain. At least now, you had definite proof of that. It would be months and months… maybe even years,
but. It had already gotten mildly better. As long as you held steadfast, you knew you'd be fine.
Getting up stole a wince from you, and you forced it down with uncomfortable ease. Practice made perfect, and this was something you'd been practicing daily for almost a month now. Walking made the trip to your door both easy, and painful, but that was life these days. It was rare to see your smile in the last month, and it had made it very clear how isolated you were after the Tragedy.
Thankfully, your boss had come through. He'd shifted you into management and fast-tracked your training. Knocking on the door to his office, you hesitated and looked around. Zoning out to escape the pain was… not the worst option, but you hated the lost moments. It was… it was supposed to be something to savor. Life was meant to be full of wonder, and sweet joys… what had happened to that old ease you had with finding it?
Slipping inside after hearing the brusque tone of your bosses voice, you spotted him. Iron Nail was a Stallion in good standing, part of a proud clan of Irons who had done some kind of crafting since before the Apple family established their Orchard. He claimed his grandfather had been an old fling of Granny Smith's back in the day, though most people laughed it off as ridiculous.
The office itself was fairly simple- plain tan walls, a simple dark-brown tiling, and a basic desk with a pair of chairs- one in front and one behind. A few shelves held some empty space that had once held pictures and trophies, the patterns in the dust showing where they used to sit. Filing cabinets were behind him, a pair that were never full, but always close to being so. Smiling at him, you hid the pain of walking over and set the schedules on the desk, sitting and looking at him. He hummed, looking over your work and nodding to himself as he slowly began to smile more and more.
"Ah, these are...? Yes, they are. Good. That helps immensely. I was worried you wouldn't make it today, but you pulled through... You've been reliable the past few weeks. You make me glad I moved you up, honestly- you've been a great help compared to some of the other slackers that got in on nepotism or investor demands. You're a fine Stallion, Ashen. You remind me of my own Colt sometimes, really- pushing on even with that injured leg. Just like him in that way, he's so…"
Iron Nail paused, his mood plummeting as he glanced at a calendar, today's date the only one with writing on it- his smile dying at the sight. You glanced over, seeing the name 'Iron Hoof' written in crayon, the hoofwriting different from Iron Nail's own, with colorful balloons scribbled around it. Nail seemed more somber and soft spoken when he continued, and you couldn't help but feel what little good mood you'd developed dampen alongside his own. "... he adapted. Used to adapt. He… I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about... Listen, Ashen can you grab the new contracts from Straw's desk? He should have them, and I need to be sure no one is trying to screw us over."
You paused, the pain in your hoof flaring as you felt something almost rise up inside of you, but then you realized... Why didn't you feel like… like you cared as much? Were you really THAT distracted by your own pain that you couldn't be a half decent Stallion and FEEL something? With Nail in front of you and feeling so clearly hurt, you were sitting here and feeling... nothing. Not even nothing, or numb, just exhaustion and pain. It was disgusting and awful, and you felt... wrong. Like you had since you escaped that Nightmare, with that Wolf.
But maybe that was it. Maybe that was the reason it was so easy to zone out. Not feeling at all was easier, less painful. It was a way to bite at the wound, to scratch and rub at it. Feelings, Empathy... they'd be like alcohol on an open wound, wouldn't they? After all, you'd always believed that to empathize and help others, to offer service, was the best way to heal from a soul-deep hurt. And if your hoof was acting up only when you tried to empathize with other ponies… "Hey Nail? Would you like to go get drinks after work tonight? I… I have my own sorrows to drown, a-and I… hear that misery is… is easier with company."
You winced as you finished, your leg having started feeling like it was on fire during the question. You almost lashed out to attack it, hit it and make the pain go away, but… but spite fueled your refusal to let it steal away this part of you. You calmly lowered the hoof you'd raised in that initial slare-up, and massaged the
Agonized leg, letting out a shaky breath as you tried to relieve some of the painful pressure that was cutting at you underneath the skin. Then you forced a smiled up at your boss, hoping he agreed.
He seemed concerned at first, until you smiled and he relaxed. His concern would be touching if you could feel that more easily or regularly. But once his concern for you passed, he hummed, thinking over your question. He seemed hesitant, some vulnerability showing for the first time since you'd met him, and he seemed to flip flop for a minute before slowly nodding. "I… you know what? Yes. I think I'd like that. I could use a night to just... get away from the house, and the... Thank you." He was silent for a moment, collecting himself. Then he sucked in a breath and spoke up again, his eyes snapping back into their normal firm pseudo-glare.
"Now get your tail in gear and go get those contracts. Now." After accepting, the vulnerability was hidden behind a wall of iron slammed shut with an unyielding demand. Nodding, you stood up, unable to hide your wince, or your limp this time as you started moving, refusing to let the pain slow you down. What good was Earth Pony strength and stamina if you couldn't push through a little pain?
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You sipped at your ale as Iron Nail lay slumped against the bar next to you. In your state, you didn't trust yourself to get drunk- the pain didn't dull with the rest of you, as you'd found out when the Morphine left your thoughts sluggish and everything except the pain numb. It had remained as sharp as ever, leading the doctors to suspect it was somehow cursed or affected BY a curse. At least until they brought in specialists. No curse to be found, they claimed, though there was something. Nothing they could specifically identify though... So you sipped your ale, listening to Nail as he sobbed and weakly smacked the counter.
"He was young... J-JUST A COLT! How… why...? Why did they have to… t-to…" His whimpers made your insides ache, every flicker of sympathy and pity brutally burned by the aching of your leg. As he sobbed out his sorrows, you just felt
off. Something inside you felt broken and the burning of your leg made it so hard to focus on him and FEEL like you normally would. Still… there was that familiar niggling tingle in your flank, the gentle push that said someone needed you, needed a shoulder to cry on, a nudge in the right direction… something to pull him out of this awful darkness he found himself in.
And since you couldn't find the words right now, you stood up, tossing the bits to cover your drinks onto the counter, nodding to the bartender and pulling Nail with you. Every step was like walking across broken glass laced with fresh pepper juices, but you couldn't stop- you WOULDN'T stop. He stumbled after you, confused and dazed, needing your help to stay upright as you pulled him out into the street, the cool night air swirling around the both of you.
"Wh-wha… wha's happ'nen… why're we goin'?" The tearful stallion sniffled, looking in your general direction in dismay, and you gave him a smile that was dragged straight from your cutie mark, every ounce of your control going into hiding your pain for your… your boss. Your friend. He'd helped you even when he could've laid you off, and he had agreed to spend time with you. He was a friend now, and nothing was going to change that.
It was a fair question, and one that you had given a decent amount of thought to both earlier, and just now before you'd left. After all, words seemed to be failing you lately, everything coming out subtly
Wrong. So instead of talking, you'd act and try to soothe his mind through movement, rather than the simple sounds you could make."I'm taking you to a club. Not to find a mare- it is far too soon for that. But Clubs have dancing, and singing, and laughter. So, we're going to give you a night to forget. Forget about everything, even if only for one night. Yeah?"
Nail seemed hesitant, less invested in the idea, but he was drunk. More, he was sad, and broken, and lonely. His Wife had been out on an expedition when the Calamity hit, and there was no telling if she was even alive or dead. He feared the worst. He was so afraid of so much... you'd realized as he sobbed into his drink that every part of him was riddled with memories and loss, pain and sorrow. More than that, he was an aching
wound that just refused to close. So much hurt and pain had been pushed into him for so long that he was just tired. Still, he couldn't give up entirely until he knew about his wife. He'd know in only a few months... so he was holding on for her. You Mark tingled more at the thoughts, burning softly against you in a way so impossibly different to your hoof- this didn't hurt, for example. More like sand just shy of being too hot, than the...
other pain.
"Mm… nn'kay…" So, you took him down the street. You weren't sure which club to head into, and each one felt… bad. Nothing was clicking, nothing was feeling right to your mark, and you were feeling Nail get worryingly impatient, until… you felt it. A
Beat. It only lasted a moment, and your hoof flared in
Agony right after, but… but you felt it. You led your boss into the place, shivering as you actively avoided stepping on the burning limb, and looked around. Everyone was dancing, or singing, or both, and there was a single person in the mix, looking exhausted and drained, utterly mentally wrecked.
The poor Mare looked like it was her last day on earth, and she planned to live it to the fullest. Her hoofbeats… they reminded you of that
Secret that had been forced into your mind, and you felt it… well, ache, but less. Like somehow, this was the
real truth. A real factual truth of that secret, not the partial truths told by that
being. It was
more. More than the broken shards of glass rammed into your mind and soul, more than the splinters still sticking out of your brain... The way she wove through the crowd was magical, and she seemed to delight everyone she met with barely a few words that seemed to enthrall her every conversational partner, her every motion adding more and more to your understanding and realization of the truth.
So you gently led your boss onto the dance floor near that Mare and started dancing. You took him from group to group, person after person, dancing and joining in the laughter and upbeat atmosphere filling the air- that sense of giving up and indulging in a moment of revelry and reckless abandon. Each person, you got closer, and the closer you got, the more your heart pumped and your limbs felt energized… and the more the burning was pushed back.
The connections were still forming, still building, and the pressure from the dance beating back the pain made it easier and easier to form this web of connection and interconnections… until you finally reached her. The Mare dancing on her own and with tears down her face. So close, you realized your missing piece, that painful last limb being forced into the D
ance as you felt… something. A rhythm that simply felt... right.
A piece in your mind shook, an awareness of some fundamental truth being revealed as a falsehood. More than merely that, the lens had been fogged with
Ash, and now you could finally truly see. It did not progress anything, but… but as you danced, that feeling was made… real. Though she seemed to be looking at you. Really,
truly looking at you. Her grin slowly spread, and she laughed, spinning away to follow some unknown grander part of the
Beat. You breathed, looking at Nail as he danced.
It was… off. But you had the rhythm in your hooves now, and you KNEW what to do. So you gently stopped him, looking at him and grinning. His body looked tired, his eyes dull, his mind stuck in the tar and honey of the recent past. He was haunted, and looked it. He was not a happy pony, but... well, neither were you. That was the whole point of coming out here this night, wasn't it? "Hey, Nails… I think I learned a new dance. Would you care to dance with me?"
He paused, looking at you and looking flustered, like he had seen a ghost. He hesitated and seemed to debate with himself. You smiled, gently nudging you and making him look up at your face. You winked and then adopted his favored expression, the one you remembered from when he 'promoted' you. "You need to move on and get some progress in you, hmm? Aint never been a pony that was healthy when they was stuck in life. I'll set you up something nice, just make me a promise, yeah?"
You paused, giving him a very pointed look to go with your false smile. He had made you promise to help around the office again, to bring people together and give people an outlet. A way to feel something again after the Calamity. A promise to help foster connections and bring people together. To do what his Cutie Mark said he was always meant to do. Shaking that away, Iron Nails scoffed, then chuckled and sighed. "Very well… though I think I'll head home soon. This has been… nice. But I can't... I need to just be alone for a bit after this."
You nodded, smiling more softly- a feat made easier by the pain pulling back at that pulsing
Beat in your hooves and heart. "Alright Nails. I'll take you home after this."
Though you could tell he wasn't exactly eager, you slowly led him through the dance you'd learned, watching him follow along and slowly speeding up until you both reached that right speed, and then… the he felt it. The beat in the air, the earth, your hooves… with a pulse, you started dancing with him, and your cutie mark seemed to come alive, almost burning as that awareness, the feeling of the
Beat, started to spread through your connections.
Slowly, those you had spoken too started to match the dance, their hooves beginning to tap out a pattern of an unfamiliar
Dance. This felt Wrong, but also so very Right, like his veins had been hijacked to carry liquid magic instead of blood, but for his cutie-mark. Whatever was happening, he knew it was NOT how things were meant to be. But… but did it matter?
As the dancing continued, Nail became less and less sad, or rather… he was more and more distracted, memories of the past and visions of a dark future overwhelmed by the reality of the here and NOW. The
Dance in his limbs, the
Beat of his heart, the
Rhythm in the air… Everything felt so terribly right and good, and it hurt to know that this was somehow Wrong.
Time passed, people came in and joined, the web spreading and growing on it's own in ways that had never happened before. You felt names, tasted stories, and smelled their eagerness to join. More and more the feelings grew, the night thickened, and the dancing intensified. Above and beyond it all, the smile of that Mare continued to flash at you from around the room as she danced.
And slowly, you began to notice other quirks about her dance, the way she moved, and twisted, the way she seemed dazzlingly beautiful and breath-takingly sweet in her every word and motion, each throbbing quaver of the music- when had it changed? How did it match the
Beat so perfectly…?- perfectly in time with her steps and breaths. A living, breathing dance, made flesh. This was more than a Cutie Mark, this was something that was beginning to edge in on the Divine… or so it seemed. It just… felt so Wrong…
You tried to breath in and found it difficult, and not because of exhaustion or exertion. The air was thick and heavy, the newborn senses in your mind telling you that something enormously big was beginning to happen, and you couldn't tell if you'd want it to finish or not, part of you recoiling at the idea… which was enough. A tendril of focus wavered, the web trembled, and Nail saw a young stallion, One who looked like his lost Colt, in the flashing lights of the Club- and you both stopped.
The feeling of the web snapped, the
Beating Pulse suddenly ceasing from the shock as it unraveled and everyone was suddenly disconnected from one another, leaving the entire club feeling heavy and hot and empty. As you listened, and felt, the presence of that weighted gaze faded until it was but a whisper of a memory. Nail was right in front of you, panting as groups all across the club slipped almost seamlessly back into their own dances, laughter and cheering coming from across the building as everyone congratulated everyone else on how amazing that experience had been.
You stopped dancing as well, panting and blinking as you looked at him, and he looked at you. And then, slowly, in those eyes full of pain and tears and sorrow… you saw him really
see you. And he smiled, a broken Stallion in a broken world- but for a brief moment, he'd felt alive again, and that lingered in his mind. You saw his hooves twitch, the same beat that echoed through your own hooves… and you smiled back, the aching burn of your hoof miles away in the dull warmth of your Heartbeat.
You weren't sure you could mimic what had just happened again, not without that Mare to help get you started- though you noticed she wasn't anywhere to be found anymore- but… but you knew you could dance. You could dance, and you knew your heart would answer and beat for you when you did. And you were fairly certain he knew it now as well.
You helped steady him as you started to leave the club, stopping and chatting with a few people throughout the club about getting a party started, something to celebrate the memory of those loved ones that had fallen in the Calamity, and the lives of those who had survived it. The reception was mediocre, but you got people to agree. Especially to just meet up again in a few days to discuss the idea and workshop it.
As you stumbled out into the night, you felt… lighter. The splinters in your mind seemed to have lessened, and you could FEEL again. Something other than ache, and pain, and spite. It was such a relief to feel… sad, again. Because you DID feel sad. This was not how you should've handled your Bosses grief. It worked out better than it could have, but… but you regretted it. Hopefully he'd forgive you after this. At least you shared a secret now, though.
Though you wished you knew why you'd gotten the feeling of two different tastes from that Mare. It wasn't only her
Beating Heart that you'd sensed, after all. You'd noticed something oddly… S
weet. But it eluded you, for now. Maybe… maybe you'd figure it out on your own? Or the next time you were ready to try and face off against that
Thing, you'd hear it's poison dripping more secrets into your mind.
For now, you just helped your boss get home, and then headed back to your own apartment to rest. You weren't ready to head back yet, there was something more to do first, but… but you were getting there. Already one secret had had the poison run its course and fade, so the other would as well, given time. You just had to trust in that and hope for the best.
So you slept, and Dreamed, and wandered the Crossroads, exploring as you ever did.
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The next morning, as you looked through the news paper while getting ready for work- with more energy than you had since that encounter- you paused on a certain section. A picture of that Mare from last night, being led away by men dressed in that uniform of those new Lunar Cops. The Lunies had been after her... and there was even mention of some kind of magical ritual nearly being cast last night at... at the bar. They were trying to interiew and figure out what had happened, but... but there was no one who could remember the names or faces or even Cutie Marks of most people they'd met last night, very well... other than a strange Earth Pony who had approached them to try and start a new festival.
Oh dear...
