OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

[OverMaster]

Down the River.

The Evil Overlord looked down the mountain in a contemplative, brooding silence.

The contractor smiled nervously. "So... do you like the site? It's suitably dark and macabre, apart from civilization but not enough as to make raids on villagers difficult, and--"

"Is there a river down there?" the dark lord asked.

The contractor blinked. "Ah? N-No, there isn't. Why...?"

"Then I cannot build my fortress on this mountain," the dark lord said. "When felled in battle by your mortal foe, you always must have a river to fall into as you drop from the top. Show me another mountain, dolt. With a river."

"Th-The closest river runs across plains all the way through..."

"Then can you drain that lake," he pointed into the distance, "to make it so a river runs down there?"

"I... I suppose we can, but it'll cost an extra..."

"Money's not an issue, fool! Get to work already!"

"Y-Yes, sir...!"

---

"So that's why you can't strike now! Rainy season!" the Wise Old Perverted Mentor barked. "Wait 'til draught!"

"I see...!" MC-kun said.

 

[OverMaster]

Not Even if you Were the Last Man on Earth.

---

"You invited him, really?" Sakurako asked from the shower. "Why would you do that?"

Misa, waiting for her turn while flipping through an old fashion magazine on the bed, just shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, he kinda helps watching over the grounds, you know? Besides, I doubt he even understood what I was talking about, and now that I remember, I didn't even tell him where we'd be gathering. I just wanted to show we care after all. Just in case. A guy that big and strong, you don't want him as your enemy."

"Fair enough," Madoka said from where she sat in her bra and panties. "I'm afraid Haruhi'll be coming, and surely she'll drag Mikuru-senpai and Nagato along, too. I told her she might as well sing for Sensei if she was coming, and she appeared to agree, so she should be earning her stay, at least."

Misa frowned. "Hmmm, what were you thinking? You knew *I* wanted to sing for him...!"

"Oh, c'mon, she's not a better singer than you," Madoka said.

"That's true," Misa said, happy to be conceded that point, "but all the same, she's too much of a show stealer. She's just biding her chance, I tell you, and you should know even more than us..."

Since she really didn't have a way to deny this, Madoka just said nothing.

Sakurako walked out of the shower, toweling her hair dry, even as Misa stood up and began pulling her shirt over her head. "Who else's coming, then?" Shiina asked. "Everyone from the class and Matoi-senpai, of course, and the Vice Prez and Yukino-senpai, and Lala-chi and Nekane-neechan, but other than us...?"

"Artie said she'd be bringing Fran and the sisters along," Misa said while standing in the shower stall, peeling her panties down her legs and turning the water back on. She began washing her hair while adding, "Odds are her son... daughter... whatever... and those two knight girls will be coming along too. Other than them, I think everyone's busy right now. I dunno, Iinchou might bring her sister and the maids."

Sakurako made a soft pensive sound while starting to dress up. Then she glanced out the window, at the peaceful, sunny campus stretching towards the distance. "Misa-chan," she said after a moment.

"Whaaaaat?" Misa said from the bathroom.

"Let's be honest for a moment," Sakurako said, zipping a short skirt up while Madoka watched on. "How long are you gonna wait before making a serious move on Negi-kun again?"

"You know I'm always honest!" Misa replied. "Anyway, I dunno, I thought we all had agreed to let that aside for now? You said it yourself, back then."

"That's right, I just wanted to make sure you were sticking to the course," Shiina replied, sitting down on her bunk and starting to button a light blouse up. "All the same, I'm worried, someone's gonna crack sooner or later. Someone will be the first, and, well, I don't think antone here believes Chisame-chan will be able to provide too much of a first line of defense!"

Madoka folded her fingers together. "Y-Yeah, that's gonna be a problem sooner or later, right? If the men never come back, at some point, then--"

"What's with that line of thinking, now?!" Misa frowned, peeking out the stall, wet hair hanging all around her head. "I mean, that's to be expected from you, Madoka, but YOU, Saku-chan?!"

"Misa-chan," Sakurako said very seriously, staring at her. "I don't feel like gambling on THAT outcome, you know what that means?"

Misa and Madoka recoiled slightly.

"Is that... a hunch?" Madoka asked at last.

Sakurako nodded, lightly biting on her lower lip.

"But you always have been saying--" Misa began arguing.

"I was lying, okay?!" Sakurako protested. "I didn't want to bring the morals down, but my gut instinct? It's been telling me that the whole time! I'm not so full of myself to believe I can predict everything 100%, but no matter what, I can't bring myself to feel otherwise!"

"..." Misa said, and finally just pulled back under the curtains. "Well, doesn't matter. For me, it ultimately changes nothing. The plan was to fuck Negi-kun someday, after all."

"Dammit, Misa-chan!" Sakurako said. "Your plan and everybody else's, what are you going to do, fight the whole world?!"

Madoka sighed deeply, shaking her head. "Drop it already, Saku-chan, you're just affected by the situation, just like everyone else. Everything will work out in the end, you'll see. Think lucky!"

"... I will... I guess..."

Sakurako knew better than trying to explain. This wasn't like flipping a switch, if the gut instinct told you one thing, then that was that one thing, and forcing yourself to think otherwise wasn't going to change the outcome. The other guys weren't going to come back, and--

"The only gut feeling I care about is," Misa interrupted her thoughts as she walked out, and Madoka stripped down to take her turn, "do you think I'll ever be able to fuck him?"

"Eh?" Sakurako blinked.

"Just answer the question," Misa said as Madoka walked past her in the nude. "Concentrate. Will he fuck me, yes or not?"

Sakurako thought about it. The trick was thinking about it as if you were asked to bet on a coin flip. Yes or not? Just clear your mind of all other considerations, and--

"Yes," she finally said, honestly.

"You sure you ain't telling me that just so I don't 'lose my morals'?" Misa squinted at her, tapping a foot.

"I swear it," Sakurako kissed her own fingers. "You don't have any morals anyway, Misa-chan."

"Cute, Saku, cute," Misa shrugged as she dried herself off. "Well then, do you think I haven't had the time to make my peace with that already? Negi-kun will have to fuck others, too. Of course I know we can't keep all those hags off him forever, who do you take me for, Chisame? As long... as long as he's there for me, I guess... I must be fine with it, what else can I do?" she breathed out, shoulders dropping slightly. "Fight the whole world?"

"Well," Madoka mumbled while soaping herself, "that's great for you, but I don't want to become an old spinster at the end of the world, you know? So resign yourself to that if you want, but I know Kyon-senpai and the others will--"

Well, now that is some quick change of mind, Misa thought sarcastically.

"Do you mean," Sakurako asked, "that you won't ever try fucking Negi-kun too if you have to?"

Madoka began gasping violently in her saliva, or perhaps some shower water.

Misa gave Sakurako a bland look. "You couldn't stay just a lesbian your whole life, huh?"

"I mean," Sakurako said placatingly while Madoka regained her breath in long choking sounds, "I'd like to have children after all. Satomi-chan might be happy just building them, but me, not so much..."

 

[OverMaster]

"I'm still not sure this is a good idea," Negi sighed as he sat in the Mahora baths, with Hasegawa Sora washing his back. He only wore a towel wrapped around his waist, and she, another one around her body. "Won't the others think it's in bad taste, so soon?"

"Sensei, it's not like they're going to be rocking all night long, so hard that they can be heard all across the campus," the college aged woman said, finished with the soap and now applying a light spray on his leanly muscular flesh. "Even Haruna-san promised that, and you know what? You deserve it. It's just something so the girls can show you how much you appreciate everything you've done for them, and how glad they are you're still with them."

"I know that already..." the boy said, closing his eyes. "I'm grateful, of course, it's just that... it doesn't feel right, not without Chamo, without Kotaro-kun, without Emiya-san and everybody else. I feel so selfish."

"You've grieved them for months, keeping doing that with no pause won't bring them back and only will make you suffer further," Chisame's older sister said, now beginning to wash his hair off. "I'm still hurt about Morisato-senpai too, you know, but I've accepted he wouldn't like me to dwell in my pain. Things will work out, one way or another. I think."

He hummed, thinking of how mature this young woman had grown in the months since the incident, while almost everyone else had collapsed into one state of despair or another. Oddly enough, Sora-san had taken the opposite way, finding strength for the sake of her sister and cousin, and Negi greatly admired that, which was why he was allowing her to wash him now without any protests. He figured they owed her that much.

To help girls cope with the trauma, the Headmaster had allowed relatives to move in with them for the time being, whenever possible, so Sora was rooming with them and Kobato right now. Sora slept on the couch, so Negi hadn't snuck in with her during nights yet. Similarly, Mizore-chan was staying with Ayaka and Makie, Haruna's mom had moved in with her and Ku Fei, and even Zazie's mother had sent her secretary to live with Zazie and keep her company, even if Zazie never gave any signs of needing it.

Mara-san was a bit intense and scary, but Negi thought he could feel the makings of a good person about her, even if Skuld seemed to dislike her very much for some reason.

He didn't even realize he'd been thinking of Mara-san a bit too long until he felt Sora lightly patting his head and heard her saying "Well, it's done, Sensei, you can go dress up now. Tell Chisame-chan I'll be there shortly, will you?"

"Y-Yes, thank you very much, Sor-- Neesan," he said, quickly getting up and hastily heading for the dressers.

As he reached them, however, for some motive, he paused, and briefly glanced back before realizing what he was doing.

He caught a short view of Sora, her back turned on him, undoing her towel and letting it drop, and then her pale small buttocks were visible as she entered the water.

Negi blushed brightly, berated himself inwardly, and rushed into the dressers to tug her boxers on.

All the while trying his best to ignore the small, worrying hardness.

 

[OverMaster]

"You invited all of the swimmer girls?" Makie said, making a slight expression of discomfort. "Even... the Baka one?"

Akira blinked. "Uh, yes, Chisame-san actually said the more people there to support Sensei, the better he'd felt, so I thought..."

"Maki-chan, get off that girl's back already, will you?" Yuuna asked, the three of them and Ako sitting at the benches of the basketball court after hours. "I don't even know what did she ever do to you. I'd have invited the girls in the team myself, but well... you know..."

The four stared at the empty court then, silently. Since the incident, several girls had no choice but leaving Mahora and head back to what remained of their families; influx from the other schools had compensated in numbers and caused the campus to feel more or less as populated as ever, but those were strangers, and for the most part they hadn't gelled well with the Mahora students yet. Pretty much everyone in the basketball them had left, and as a matter of fact the 3-A Sports Girls had come here today just to help Yuuna clean her locker and package her things away before closure.

Akira's case was different; Nyamo-sensei still helmed the team comprised of Akira herself, Uruka-san, Shirley-san, Ami-san, Maaya-san, Kinuho-san and Minami-san, and Aoi-senpai and Nonokusa-senpai from Honnouji had joined recently, even. All things considered, in terms of numbers, they were better and stronger than ever, but they were an exception to the rule.

Not that they had any teams to compete against left, anyway. For the time being, they were in a pattern of wait of sorts while training over and over regardless.

As the Sport Girls headed back home, Yuuna asked, "They're all going to bring gifts, right?"

"Yes, yes..." Akira said patiently. "How about you? You remembered Medea-san, didn't you?"

Yuuna sighed. "She said she'd think it over. I doubt she'll show up. Did they even celebrate birthdays in ancient Greece? I don't know, I don't think I ever asked. You, Ako-chan?"

"Mikado-sensei and Sagisawa-sensei are coming," the blue haired short girl reported. "Which probably means we can expect Sugiura-sensei as well. Depends on how she's feeling now."

"That's that loudmouth sensei who's almost as noisy as the Tiger, right?" Yuuna asked. Dad had brought her home a few times to work overtime, and she hadn't left the best of impressions on Yuuna then. "Who did she lose?"

"Apparently, she had a fiancee in America, or something," Ako said as they entered the dorm building. "This has been hard on everyone, after all."

They separated with the promise of meeting again at the party, and then Makie made it to her room, where, predictably enough, Ayaka and Mizore-chan were arguing over Mizore-chan's choice of dress for the occasion, while the maids tried to mediate to no avail. This was the new normalcy for Makie, and while she'd grown used to it relatively fast, as was her custom, she still felt like something was different today, something she couldn't quite put her finger onto. As if everyone was waiting for something big to happen, but no one wanted to admit or even acknowledge it.

Of course, this sensation wasn't something that Makie could quite put in words herself, and for the most part was an unconscious thing.

Yet, it probably also explained why she was feeling even more wary of that Uruka girl coming than usual...

 

[OverMaster]

"There'll be no music, right?" Siesta asked, as she helped one of those Heroic Spirit women who had arrived early to help with the preparations.

"No, of course not," the tall, busty, red haired woman assured her as they set the plates along the tables. "That would be in bad taste."

"Right, I just wanted to know," Siesta nodded. "I'm... still in mourning, you know," she said quietly. "I had a boyfriend..."

"I'm terribly sorry, dear," the older woman said. "You really don't have to stay if you don't want to. We'll tell Ayaka-san that you--"

"No, no, that's okay. I can't dwell into that forever... I guess," she said. "I'm sorry, I suppose I haven't even lost as much as others have."

"It's not a competition," the adult said as Chao and Satsuki could be heard conversating from within the car, preparing the last few orders of food. "Everyone's pain is just as valid."

"Thank you, Boudica-san," the maid said uneasily. She almost wished she'd stayed with the others helping the young mistresses, but the woman's company was still nice regardless. "I realize that you must have a much better perspective on this than us..."

"Hardly. Don't let any of the others fool you, none of us ever had to face anything like this during our lives. Great as our travails were, yours is an unique situation, but that mustn't drive you to despair. That your society has endured in the face of this speaks highly of you indeed."

"Ah, thank you again," the black haired young lady replied. She didn't know a lot about Mundus Vetus' ancient history, and so she had no idea what this particular revived heroine's background truly was, so she felt like she was talking moved by mere guesses, but fortunately Boudica-san seemed to be a pleasant enough person.

A pity she hadn't known about her five months ago. She might have provided a better shoulder to cry onto than Roberta-san's.

 

[OverMaster]

The Most Likely To...

"Why do you keep being friends with that blockhead?!" his sister asked him, exhasperated. "Out of all of us, he's the least likely to ever succeed!"

"I know that," Linus said patiently. "He's also the most likely to someday show up for a reunion and shoot everyone who treated him badly."

Lucy took pause at that.

By the weekend her resolve had ran out and he kept treating him just as badly as ever, but that was okay, Charlie Brown forgot loading the gun before showing up for the reunion.

 

[Darkenning]

Inspired by Servants Who Should Never Be Summoned ...

Servants Who Should Never Be Summoned
(Or Should They?)

It was that time again, when Ritsuka went through the process of summoning prospective new servants, usually only to gain some esoteric resources or echoes of people she'd already encountered. Still, there were times when something she'd never seen before came through, and that was always a little interesting. So she intoned the by-now familiar words, and the gates swung open ...

... to reveal a confused looking Westerner with a frizz of reddish hair on his head, dressed in an ill-fitting suit. "Oh," he said, for his first words in this reality. "This is a very strange experience. Ah ... apparently I am a Caster. Which is somewhat unusual, since I was a scientist, not a magician. At least, that's what I thought."

"It's understandable," Ritsuka reassured him once it became clear that he'd fallen silent for the moment. "Edison is a Caster, too."

The man blinked. "Really?" he asked. "I suppose that is appropriate for the Wizard of Menlo Park, but I'm not terribly clear why I would fit into this class. Although I'm not very sure of the information I have about this system, either. I can't remember ever having learned it."

"It comes from me," she explained. "All of the Master's knowledge is available to the Servant."

"Oh," he said, then nodded. "Yes, that would explain why I'm speaking Japanese fluently. Ahem. I suppose I should tell you my true name."

"Okay," she said encouragingly, nodding.

He told her.

She kept right on nodding. "I'm afraid I've never heard of you. It's okay, though, I often haven't heard of the people I work with when I just met them. Let's go look it up."

A brief interval of research later.

"Oh my," she said, looking at the computer screen with wide eyes.

"So ... will you be getting rid of me, now?" the man asked, somewhat hesitantly.

"What?" she asked, her head whipping around in a way that set her own reddish hair flying. "No! No, of course not! What kind of complete monster would just throw away someone who came to help them, just because they were a little ... um ... well, anyway, no. But I mean, I don't know what sort of situation might require your abilities, so ... uh ... welcome to Chaldea?" she concluded a bit awkwardly.

"Thank you?" he replied after a moment, just as awkwardly.

Several Lost Belts and various Limited Time Events later

"And so, because it amuses me, I give you a choice, Caster," said the Alien God. "Break your allegiance to Chaldea's master, give it to me, and you shall be spared. Surely it is clear what you should choose."

"It is," said the Caster. "No."

"Of course no," said the Alien God, amused. "What heroic nonsense. Whence this loyalty, though? She has never taken you on her expeditions, until now. Why such fondness?"

"Because she learned my story, and decided that she would not ask me to use my abilities," he answered, still very calm. "She believed that I deserved to have a peaceful life, free of the difficulties of my first existence. It was an act of kindness unlike any I have known. And now, I can repay it. She is rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg." He nodded once. "I am pleased to use my Noble Phantasm on her behalf, even if it means that I will never see her again."

"Where have I --" the Alien God began to ask, and then watched in stupefied silence as the man before her disintegrated. "No," said the God, realizing. "No, no, no, no!"

"Yes," said the naked blue man who was standing there now. "Noble Phantasm -- Shadow of Manhattan."

And there was light.

 

[OverMaster]

"Happy birthday to you," they sang softly, gathered all around the Chao Bao Zi. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Negi-sensei. Happy birthday to you."

Negi chewed on his lower lip and wiped a tear out a corner of his eye. He hadn't expected for many of them to come, crowding the area. Besides Class 3-A and the remaining other members of Ala Alba, there was Nekane, of course, and also Shizuna-sensei, and Yukino-san, who had recently returned from Mundus Magicus, and Urd-san, and Akira's swim team partners plus Nyamo-sensei, and Shiomiya-san, and the Tohsaka sisters, and Mikado-sensei and her guests, and Ayaka's staff, and several former Servants, and the SOS Brigade, and even most of Class 3-F. They only were missing Anya, who was still stuck at London.

"I'm so moved..." he sighed, closing his eyes. "Thanks, everyone, this... I had no idea that..."

"Awwww, Negi-kun, of course you mean that much to us!" Haruna slapped him on a shoulder while Nabiki industriously nodded and chewed on her slice of free cake. "Here, my gift!" she shoved what obviously was a neatly wrapped thick book on his hands. "The aunts send their best regards too!"

"My apologies over not bringing any manner of offerings," Golden Darkness said somewhat stiffly, clearly uncomfortable at being there with nothing to show for it. "I was just told very recently, and informed I should be here regardless, but if you wish me to, I can make up for it for disposing of anything or anyone you might find to be bothersome around you."

"Why have I just felt a sudden shiver running up my spine?" Haruna mused aloud.

"Must be your ever active imagination," Yami said neutrally.

"That... That's okay, Yami-san, you don't need to bother," Negi said, as Shiori also handed him, shyly, a wrapped book of her own. Then he was slapped strongly on the other shoulder by a grinning Haruhi.

"How many years is it then, Sensei?" Suzumiya asked him. "Twelve, right?"

"W-Well, technically, it's ten, but what with all the time I've spent in the resort, it's actually much closer to eleven..."

Since the incident, knowledge of magic had mostly spread widely across the campus, with most of those charged with enforce secrecy gone. If mankind was going to pull back for man's return, after all, they needed to be aware of all tools available for the task. As such, Ala Alba didn't make a point of hiding things in the open anymore.

"Just ten!" Haruhi said in surprise, then felt his arm under the long sleeves of his dress jacket. "And rocking these guns already!"

Chisame frowned at her, standing behind Negi with Sora and a depressed looking Kobato, barely touching her cake. "Behave, will you?" the hacker chided the older girl. "Even Kakizaki and Saotome are doing it!"

Misa smiled at this, throwing her hair back. "Well, the night's young, so don't count me out yet!"

"Okay, let's see," Asuna said, standing by the pile of gifts taking account of them. "We'll start with the unwrapping now, but first, is anyone left to give theirs? This huge thing here is Iinchou's, this is Konoka's, this is Setsuna-san's, these are from the VP and Yukino-senpai... I think you haven't put yours yet, Eva-chan?"

Evangeline smirked. "Perceptive, Kagurazaka!" she said. "No, I haven't. I didn't bring one with myself, as a matter of fact."

Ayaka's eyes snapped fully open, and then she gasped. "Eva-san! How could you--!"

The tiny blonde held a hand before her. "I haven't said I won't give Boya anything! My gift will be whatever Boya requests from me tonight. Anything," she smiled saucily, throwing a teasing come-hither look at Negi, making him gasp. "Ask freely and without any fear, child, my word is my bound..."

"Well, we should've expected something like this," Chisame sighed while Matoi nodded.

Negi swallowed, still blushing, and then cleared his throat. "Ahhh... Thank you, Master. As a matter of fact, this is a happy coincidence, as I've been meaning to ask something of you for a while now, but I haven't found the correct moment to do so..."

"Oh my!" Eva feigned surprised. "You've grown so bold!"

"It's... It's not that!" Negi fidgeted as Haruna and Haruhi laughed at it. "Well," he finally added. "Let's be serious here, Master, everyone, for a moment. We all know there's so much to do ahead of us. For what intend to do, I... I'm afraid I'm going to be a fair amount of help," he admitted begrudgingly. "I hope this path won't be a dangerous one, as many of those who would call themselves our enemies are gone, but it shuld be a difficult one regardless..."

"I think I understand what you're trying to say," Evangeline nodded soberly. "That is a valid concern indeed."

"Can you do it?" Negi asked hopefully.

"Of course I can, you know I can do anything!"

"What are you talking about?" Makie and Uruka found themselves asking at once. The former flinched, while the latter just gave her a very bright smile right then.

"In the absence of Chamo, I'm going to need for someone to arrange my Provisional Alliances until we can settle this situation," Negi said, and a solemn silence suddenly swept all through the surroundings, Haruhi and Nabiki raising eyebrows in interest. "Given that, I'm going to need for Master to take care of that for the time being."

 

[OverMaster]

This has a new title now.

---

Birds in a Hand.

---

"You can let me go anytime you want, you know," Webby said as Darkwing Duck kept on holding her hand stubbornly.

"It's for your protection and mine," he mumbled as they walked across the darkened system stretching under the city, lightly splashing through the murky waters. "Superheroes are supposed to be killed by supervillains, not by furious grandmothers."

"It's actually more dangerous for me if I don't have a freedom of movement," Webby argued. "What if the murderous psycho jumps out of the shadows like right now and I can't move out of the way in time because you're holding me?"

"Fine, if you're afraid I can go up, leave you on the sidewalk right now, and you take the bus back home, doesn't that sound good?" Drake shot back, then irritably glanced over his shoulder. "Launchpad, can you keep that light steady ahead already?"

"Sorry, DW, these rats keep distracting me... Ohh, that one's missing half its tail!" Launchpad said, turning his lantern onto another passing, squealing small shadow racing past them in the filth. "Poor thing..."

"I'm not afraid, I'm just expressing a basic concern of strategical motion," Webby said. "What if we reach a compromise and I piggyback on you? That gives me more freedom while still--"

Drake sighed very deeply, finally let go of her, and hunched over slightly. "Yep, yep, yep, as long as you stay quiet..."

"We should've done this from the start! Giddyup!" she said, happily mounting his back, and then slapping his shoulders as he started trudging ahead again, with an air of resignation. "Yeah, I even have a much better view from here!"

"A view of what?" Darkwing complained. "We can't even see past our beaks because LP's still not aiming the right way! This is hopeless anyway, I should've realized Jim wouldn't stick around even if he survived..."

"Whoa, that's one big rat," Launchpad said then, finally focusing the spotlight on the path ahead, his attention caught by the sound of rippling water. "Maybe it was the one to eat half the tail of that other one..."

"That's... That's no rat," Drake tensed up, his hand going to his waist and pulling his gas gun out, squinting at the large figure moving under the dark waters. "That's..."

"A killer croc!" Webby gushed, her grip on Darkwing's cape tightening.

"An alligator, you mean," the masked mallard chided her, "and even then, why would one be here? That's an urban legend, and an old one at that. That must be some kind of... um... stalker swimming weirdo."

"That's some lung capacity then," Webby arched an eyebrow as the shadow in the water kept on circling without approaching them. "I'd say it could be a mermaid, but merpeople don't like contaminated water, so..."

"Oh, so you now will tell me you've met merpeople," Darkwing frowned, aiming his gun at the unseen creature.

"No, I won't." Webby then looked at Launchpad. "You tell him."

Launchpad nodded. "Yeah, we've met 'em!"

Darkwing sighed. "I just wanted to fight criminals and supervillains, why does the world keep throwing Z-Files rejects at me?" He raised his voice at the stranger. "Okay, whoever you are, better come up with hands or claws high! You are getting in the way of a criminal research by the terror that flaps in the night, the plumber who unclogs the sewer of vice, the only and rather real Darkwing Duck!"

Now the creature stopped, and a bubble made its way to the surface, popping up with a sound that appeared to be vaguely questioning somehow.

Then there was another bubble. Then two more. Next, three... and finally, from the water, rose a hulking, darkly green reptilian creature with snapping jaws full of sharp teeth, and glowing green eyes. A large, pink tongue was slung out, sloppily licking all over those rows of teeth, and Darkwing gulped as Webby and Launchpad only made low, impressed sounds of admiration.

"See, see!" she finally said excitedly. "I told you! A killer croc!"

"Alligator, actually..." said a voice with a gruff, deep Southern accent then, coming out of the shadows, right as another, much smaller figure stepped out of a side tunnel, frowning at them. A dirty, balding dogface with a thick brown beard, and wearing only blue overall pants. A snarling mouth all but spat the words at them. "That's Gumbo, I'm Jambalaya Jake, and I'm darn sick of yuh stinkin' masked city slickers snoopin' around mah property!"

 

[OverMaster]

Sink or Swim.

"Could you please teach me how to swim?" Keiichi asked her. "I've realized that, out of everyone in Ala Alba, only Saber-san and I cannot, and she can at least walk on water..."

"Ah, well, sorry, but right now I can't commit, I'm far too busy with the Sailor Senshi," Akira bowed her head. "But don't worry, Senpai, I'll refer you to Uruka-san. She'll be glad, I'm sure, to--"

Makie suddenly jumped out of nowhere to pounce on Morisato. "NOOOOO!" she wailed. "That's okay, I'll be glad to teach Senpai...!"

---

"So, did it work?" Megumi asked him, taking another mouthful of Cheesy Poofs from the bag. "Did she achieve the impossible?"

"Well, no," Keiichi sighed, "but you wouldn't believe how good I'm at rhytmic gymnastics now..."

 

[OverMaster]

Why are they That Way?

"Kyaaaaa, you walked in on me while I was taking a bath in your own bathroom, with the door unlocked! Pervert! Monster!" Keitaro shrieked, as he gave a mock punch to Rito's face.

"Yeah, yeah, and then they are like 'Bakaaaaaa! You looked at that woman! Oh, and now you're looking at me! Wait, why aren't you looking at me now, am I that disgusting to you?! Die, Baakaaaaa!'" Shiki said, turning to Nariyuki and mock slamming his fist down on his head.

"Don't treat me like a kid, I'm a full grown woman now!" Ranma put on a starkly good imitation of his own female voice. "Wait, did you just call me a 'lady'?! I'm still a girl, what are you implying about my age?!"

They all joined in laughter then, but Shirou, who stayed sitting in the bath with a pensive frown.

"Well," he finally said, "if you've got that much on an issue with all of that, why don't you just turn gay already?"

They all glared at him glacially.

"Honest question," Shirou said.

The others were all about to pile up angrily on him, when they suddenly paused and looked at each other, questioningly.

---

"-- and that's why all of you have the same father," Onodera said tenderly, fixing the sun hat on her daughter's head. "Let's go, now, you'll meet your siblings by Class 3-A today..."

 

[OverMaster]

The Third Identity.

"Oh, logging out already?" Negi commented while passing by, glancing over his shoulder. "Hadn't you finished your homework already?"

"I'm just logging in again, this time as the forum's moderator," Chisame grumbled.

Negi blinked. "Why don't you just moderate it as Chiu?"

"Because Chiu's supposed to be everyone's lovely friend, and these bastards need an iron hand to keep them controlled, so Battler does it for me so they don't hate me when I ban their asses."

"... what do they do that it's so bad they would need banning?"

She just shoved him out of the room.

Then she went back to the banhammer and deleting filthy fanart of Chiu with sweaty old fat men...

 

[OverMaster]

Spider-Man: Into the Unequallyverse.

"Okay, now, before we part ways, I think there's something all of us want to make clear..."

"Yeah, well, I married MJ."

"MJ here too."

"Gwen."

"MJ."

"I... I'm too young to be thinking of that, really..."

"I'm dating Liz!"

"MJ."

"Gwen."

"Felicia."

"Good luck with that. Betty."

"MJ."

"Gwen."

"Kitty."

"Who's Kitty?"

"MJ."

"Gwen."

"Anna Maria."

"Who's Anna Maria?"

"MJ."

"Aunt May."

"We all will pretend we never heard that!"

"Gwen."

"Miles-kun!"

"Oh, that's great, Peni-chan! Good for you!"

"... Miles for me, too."

"Okay... Okay, we won't judge y--"

"Flash."

"No, you, we WILL judge!"

"MJ."

"Gwen."

"Deb."

Everyone stared at him then, in shock.

---

"Those assholes really said THAT?!" Debra frowned. "And what did you say then?!"

"Look, the portals were closing, okay!" the Peter Parker of the Unequally universe threw his hands up. "That's their loss, Hon, I thought you'd be glad to be unique...!"

 

[OverMaster]

Birds in a Hand interlude.

---

"So that's how it was, huh," Scrooge said over dinner. "Are you sure that was for the best? Letting her go with the family is one thing, but..."

"Launchpad's part of the family too!" Dewey cut in.

Scrooge sighed. "My point is, family or not, he's still not the best when it comes to attention spans and--" An explosion from the outside rocked the house then. "DONALD!" the aged patriarch called out, slamming his hands on the table. "Will you stop doing that and just come over already?!"

"They aren't gone yet...!" Donald's voice quacked furiously. "They are shooting back...!"

Louie lifted an eyebrow. "Who are 'they' this time?" he asked.

"Your uncle's boat got a sudden rodent infestation, it seems," Mrs. Beakley said stoically. "Squirrels and mice just invaded it and he's trying to run them out as best as he can."

"CHIPMUNKS and mice!" Donald's next yell corrected her. "Good gosh, they are setting A CLUBHOUSE here! You won't beat me yet, you little--!" Then his voice degenerated into a frantic fit of gibberish anger.

Slow and very quietly, Dewey sank into his seat without it being really noticed by the others.

"Anyway," Mrs. Beakley said, "she's been performing so well lately, I saw no real reason to deny her this. They aren't going after the supernatural, at the very least. Odds are that scoundrel, if he's still alive, fled that scene long ago. But I didn't want to truncate her trust on herself right now."

"It's Webby, nothing will ever cut down on it for good," Huey observed, taking the first spoonful of his dessert after finishing the main course before his brothers. "I suppose she'll call if there's a need for it, right?"

There was another large explosion.

"WAAAAAUUUGHHHH!" Donald's voice shouted. "MY TAIL'S ON FIRE...! BUT I'LL GET EVEN YET...!"

"-- all the same, she's probably much safer there than here right now," Beakley added then.

"Okay, can't argue with that," Huey said before Della, without a word, grabbed the brothers and shoved them under the table, and the front windows exploded in.

 

[OverMaster]

Not Even if you Were...

"You didn't like that, did you, Master?" Chachamaru said as they walked through the forests, back to the cabin.

"Of course I didn't, but it wasn't completely unexpected," Evangeline said. "Boya's desperate, grasping around for options. And it was clever of him, delegating that on me. He could have asked any lesser mage for the task, or summoned a new familiar for it, but he wanted to make sure nobody would approach him lightly on the subject."

"Naturally," the gynoid nodded sedately. "They will think twice before asking you, compared to anyone else."

"Right, so whoever does it, will actually mean it," Eva said. "So I think I will let it slide by now."

"That's... good to hear." Chachamaru paused. "There is someone standing in the way ahead of us."

"Don't tell me," the vampire said, barely interested. "Female, right?"

"Quite," Chachamaru confirmed, calibrating her sensors. "Humanoid looking, but I can detect an unfamiliar manner of magical pulse about her. Perhaps you should stay here while I confront this person?"

"No, it's been too dull for too long," Evangeline kept on going stubbornly, if anything hastening her steps. "If someone's itching for a fight, I'll be too happy to comply, it'll help me release some-- Oh, no. No, no no no. No!" she came to an abrupt halt as the figure ahead of them was now visible. "What the hell, what are you doing here?!"

Chachamaru, already deploying a miniature rifle out of her sleeve-covered wrist, kept on staring at the young woman with short, slick black hair, barely any taller than the Class 3-A average. She was shapely and attractive, with a fair, clean face and cold, stern eyes. Attached to her back there was a long hammer of sorts, and she wore travelling fatigues apt for a long, crosscountry trip on foot. "I have no intelligence on this individual. If she is an acquaintance of yours, why would that be, Master?"

"Master? Of course, I suppose I couldn't blame you for just moving on," the stranger said, detachedly addressing the surprised Evangeline. "Shocked? You shouldn't be. The entity imprisoning me was a living being, after all. And as such, it disappeared along many others. It took me months to learn of your whereabouts, however. You have hidden your tracks well, Mistress of Puppets."

Evangeline assumed a battle stance, and Chachamaru followed her example. "So what?" the former asked. "Did you come for my head? You are welcome to try, but you should know that I didn't--"

"I know," the stranger said, and then humbly lowered her head and fell to a knee before the duo, startling them even further. "I just... wish to resume my service under you. You are all I have left in this world. Please accept me back, Lady Evangeline."

"..." Chachamaru said, and then gave Eva what could only be called, for Chachamaru's standards, a truly aghast look.

"I... I can explain..." the undead witch said uneasily.

Chachamaru really wished then she could be the explosive Tsundere type, just for once.

 

[OverMaster]

Nothing to Sneeze At.

Negi rubbed his nose and blushed. "Ah, I'm sorry! Y-You'll see, this tends to happen whenever I sneeze, for some reason I've never been able to control it..."

Standing right before him fully clothed while Erza just sighed and summoned an armor on herself, the rest of Ala Alba and Fairy Tail scrambled around for cover, Gray Fullbuster folded his arms and frowned. "How the hell did I do this, I wonder?"

 

[OverMaster]

The Adventures of the Black Rose Baron!

"Good job, Black Rose Baron!" Commissioner Kosaka said, turning the Baron Signal off. "We'd been looking for the Stinky Fingers gang for months!"

The mysterious figure smiled while dropping the tied up gangbangers on the rooftop of the police station. "I'm just doing my civic duty, Commissioner."

"Yes, yes!" the man nodded. "I wish my son were more like you!"

"... we've gone through this before, Commissioner, I'm not your son."

"If only he stopped being so focused on this eroge bull and could be more active, more manly, like his sister or you, I'd be so proud of him!" he lamented. "Why, if I had him right before me acting as a masked outlaw, I'd still tell him how much I respect him for having the courage to do something for society!"

"That's good, Commissioner, but I'm really not him."

"I wouldn't even be mad at him for trying to fool me with a small mask and a feigned voice!" he went on. "I'd admire his guts, that's much better a lie than trying to pass his porn as his sister's! Kirino reading that tripe and playing those things, really, Kyosuke?!"

"... I'm going now, sir."

---

Sitting in his apartment reading the e-newspaper, Chiba Mamoru frowned.

'Dashing Black Rose Baron does it again!' the titulars gushed. 'The noble paladin stops fiendish gang!'

Below, an editorial reading 'Tuxedo Kamen, Hero or Menace?'

"What does he do right that I do wrong...?!"

 

[OverMaster]

Why Won't Anyone Kill the Joker?

"It's over, clown!" Red Hood snarled, aiming his gun at the Joker's head.

The Joker whistled and blew on his fingernails.

Right then, a Batarang flew out of the darkness and knocked the gun out of Jason's hand. "Don't do it, Hood!" Batman said, leaping into sight along with everyone else who had been in pursuit. "If you do it, you'll be just like him!"

"Oh, for the love of-- THIS AGAIN?!" Red Hood protested, facing the crowd surrounding him. "Look, Batman, I get why you'd keep harping on this because that's just like you, but this asshole has always been harming everyone, all of you, even through crossovers! I still don't get why nobody, not even juries, not even cops, not even another supervillain, will ever put this jerk out of our collective misery!"

"Well," the Joker scratched his chin. "You were dead back then, weren't you? Around the time of the Crisis? Worlds died, worlds lived, worlds merged, nothing was ever the same again?"

"What... What does that have to do with anything?!" Jason asked as everyone else just looked down.

"Well, after the Anti-Monitor was defeated thanks to the collective efforts of everyone, heroes and villains alike, everyone gathered for a victory celebration under a temporary truce," the Joker explained despite of several attempts to angrily gesture silence at him. "I drugged the punch and the air vents with an aphrodisiac, filmed everything that went on, and I've been sitting on the results ever since. They know that, if I bite it, the tapes are leaked."

"...." Jason said.

The Joker shrugged at him while the rest of the Multiverse shrank down in shame.

Finally, Jason just threw his hands up in disgust and began walking away. He stopped by Kitami, though. "Wait, what does he have on you? Why would you even care about anyth--"

"She did nothing but sob in a corner reminiscing her past," Hiroko said, stonefaced while Kitami just rubbed herself up and down an arm. "All night, all night long..."

 

[OverMaster]

His Last Words.

"You know what he told me, right before disappearing that second time?" Asuna asked, as they both sat overlooking the distance, stretching past below the ship. "He told me 'I'm sorry'. Why would he say that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Chisame asked. "He was sorry he couldn't stop Sextum."

"At first I thought that, but... the more I think about it, the more it doesn't feel that way," Asuna said. "For the first time, he looked kinda... sad as he smiled to me. As if... I don't know. Maybe I'm imagining things."

"Maybe," Chisame shrugged. "You knew him better than I, so if you feel that way, it's probably because of something. But don't dwell too much into that, will you, Kagurazaka?" she sighed, getting up and dusting herself off. "I know it must've been hard, but still, letting things get you down... it isn't like you. I'm not asking you to cheer up, not right now, but... well, you know. You're made of sturdier stuff than that."

"Yeah... thank you, Chisame," Asuna said absently, seeing the other girl walk out the room, and then looking outside again, with nearly haunted mismatched eyes. "No... that's not like... me."

Then again, everything about herself felt strangely odd of late, as if--

No. Her mind blocked then, and she pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head.

She just needed some rest, a few hours of sleep, and maybe then she'd stop seeing him vanish in her mind's eye at last.

So Luna also stood back up and left for her bedroom, never suspecting her own lie.

 

[OverMaster]

Motherless Children.

"So you are Zero Two's mother," the dark haired girl said quietly, adjusting her glasses. "How do you do, my name is Ikuno."

"She's not my mother..." Zero Two squinted in annoyance.

Lala laughed. "Ah ha ha, it's more like I was her unwilling genetic donor, but no, I don't mind being called her mother! Family is important, after all!"

"She wouldn't know about that," Zero Two said. "Darling and the other pilots have no families."

"You... You don't?!" Lala gasped. "Ohhhhh, we'll have to do something about that...!"

She began pointing at the pilots. "You all will be adopted properly! You will be Ikuno Springfield, and you Itoshiki Mitsuru, and you Yukihiro Futoshi, and you Morisato Goro, and you Emiya Zorome, and you Konoe Miku, and you Hasegawa Ichigo, and you Akashi Hiro, and you Tohsaka Kokoro!"

Zorome blinked. "Is that good or bad?"

Haruna shrugged. "You might be better, you might be worse... She's the one with a galactic empire at her beck and call so she's the one calling the shots for these things."

Ikuno frowned. "This is excessively fast and we can't comply when we don't even know--"

"You and Ichigo will be sisters now, so you'll have to room together, but I hope that won't be a problem for you," Lala informed her.

"... I'm content with these living arrangements," Ikuno suddenly changed her tune.

"Ohhhhh, Chisame-sama, we have our first baby girl now...!" Matoi cooed very loudly.

----

"-- and that's why you are my mother-in-law now," finished the pink haired girl Yuuna had brought home along some boy.

Medea frowned at them. "When in the world did I ever apply for anything of this...?"

 

[OverMaster]

Royalties.

"Give it up, Cat!" Spider-Man shouted while shooting a webline at her leg. "Why do you even keep stealing anyway?! It's not like you really need the money!"

She laughed, kicking her leg out of the webbing's way. "Well, Spider, if you really need to know, I have to pay Catwoman over being a cat themed cat burglar or she'll scratch my face off!"

"Very funny, now give that back!" he said, swinging after her.

"What? You've seen this face under the mask, do you want that ruined so much...?!"

---

"Yes, yes, cute, but I don't tell you of everything Batman and I do, now do I?" Selina extended a hand impatiently. "Did you escape with it or not?"

Black Cat sighed, handing her the diamond over. "This should cover half a year at least, right? Maybe I should just find myself a new motif."

"All good animals have been taken and you know it, dear..." she purred.

 

[OverMaster]

Introducing Fairy Tail.

"This," Chisame grumbled, gesturing at the strangers, "is the Fairy Tail guild, who have been... looking after the Vice President and me over the last few weeks. This is Natsu-san, who is like Kotaro, but dumber. This is Erza-san, who is kinda like Evangeline but taller. This is Gray-san, who is kinda sorta like Rito-senpai but he can fight a damn and he also strips himself without knowing how, rather than others. This is Wendy, who is like Ookuchi and Mikan-san put together in a blender. This is Juvia-san, who is like Matoi but made of water. This is Happy, who is like Chamo but a bit less annoying. This is Carla, who is like Kugimiya as a cat. And this is Lucy-san, who is kinda like Keiichi-senpai, but with boobs, and she can swim, I think. But she's as much of a Butt-Monkey otherwise."

Lucy groaned. "Yeah, that's me. Miss 'I can't get respect from anyone'..."

"This Kotaro guy better be damn smart or I'll feel insulted," Natsu frowned.

Happy pumped a fist up. "Aye...! I'm not THAT annoying...!"

Negi blinked. "Um... okay?"

Chisame scowled at him. "What's with that lost expression now? I phrased it the easiest, fastest possible way so there'd be no mistaking about it!"

"Negi's got partial amnesia, actually," Asuna explained. "He remembers a few of us, but overall... that must have been Greek to him. No, wait, he knows Greek. Like... I don't know then, Klingon?"

Chisame paused in horror and shock, then gave Negi a bewildered look. "Y-You don't remember me...?!"

"Ah..." Negi said, unsure of what to say, and gulped. "You're my roommate..."

"You know that because we told you!" Rito snapped.

Negi began sweating copiously as Chisame glared at him. "It's not my fault, but I'm sorry regardless! I hit my head while landing on Mundus Magicus!"

"On a very, very hard surface," Tsukuyomi nodded, running a hand over the head of Louise, who growled and slapped said hand away.

Chisame kept on staring regardless.

"Ah!" Negi gasped. "That murderous glare! The cosplay contest! Being told I should stand to Anya! That fierce intensity! That opressing sensation! That time I walked into that session of you as Chi--"

"LOOKS LIKE YOUR MEMORY'S FINE TO ME!" Chisame roared, squeezing her hand around his mouth and then tossing him across the room.

And so, Negi remembered Chisame at last, thanks to The Power of Love.

Well, or close enough.

 

[OverMaster]

New Boss, (not quite the) same as the Old Boss.

"I just want you to know," Tsukuyomi smiled at her, "that I'm honestly glad we finally found you, and that Negi-sama remembers you now."

Chisame frowned at her. "Yeah, sure. For real!"

"No, no, I mean it!" she giggled cutely, putting a hand on her own cheek. "You're closer to him than anyone else, so if he tries cheating me out of my pay, now I'll have someone to really hurt him through! With Asuna-han or Yue-han, it wouldn't be quite the same..."

Chisame glared at her, then finally said. "You realize that means he'll just kill you even harder than if you'd killed either of them, right?"

Tsukuyomi gained a lustful glint to her eyes. "Oh, I hope so. You haven't seen him ripping through someone with those new powerups of his yet, yum yum!"

"I knew it, you sicko, that's why you graduated him from 'Negi-han' to 'Negi-sama'!"

 

[OverMaster]

The Backup Plan.

"Chisame-san?" Yukino asked.

"Hmmm?"

"Why doesn't Negi-sensei just dismiss that awful swordswoman away? If he hasn't paid her yet, we can speak for him so Fairy Tail will give him a loan, but I don't think any of us are safe with her around..."

Chisame sighed. "You have to think like Sensei to understand. Sensei is, all in all, a pessimist, or how I call them, a realist. Oh, sure thing, he'll always talk a big number on keeping your faith and Audacia Paula and all of that, but deep inside he's always doubting, afraid to some degree. Under pressure from himself because he sets these stupidly high standards for himself, and he's always afraid he won't meet them. That's why he'd try to do something as awfully dumb as that Magia Erebea stunt Kagurazaka and Ayase told us about, just because he's not sure he can beat Sextum otherwise."

"What does that have to do with her, though? I'm pretty sure she wouldn't make that much of a difference either way, and by now we've got enough allies as to--"

Chisame interrupted by wagging her finger on Yukino's face. "No, this part is not about firepower. Rather, it's, no doubt, because Sensei is... well, who knows, right? Everybody else is scattered all around this huge, dangerous world, and we don't have a clue about the whereabouts of more than half of them..."

"... and...?"

Chisame made a deadly serious face. "She's his backup plan for the event he feels he has to have someone skewered to death in retaliation for killing one of his students, or to teach him how to do it himself. I really hope for the former."

Yukino made an aghast face. "...!"

Chisame sighed again. "I mean, he won't talk about that, he won't tell even me, but once you get to know Negi, you can tell by yourself anyway. Let's be honest, now, what would YOU do if someone ever killed the Vice President when you couldn't do anything about it but getting even after the fact?"

---

Tsukuyomi blinked. "You want me to do what, now?"

"Not now," Yukino said coldly. "But if it ever comes to pass. If I get cold feet for some stupid reason, I'd like you to do it for me. Trust me. I can get myself good loans."

She laughed lightly. "Ohhh, you're so much like Negi-sama after all...!"

 

[OverMaster]

Aftershocks.

The Festival had come and gone, and the secret of magic had been preserved to the world at large.

Of course, Mahora itself was another matter altogether, but then Mahora had never been like the rest of the world about anything.

Chamo puffed on a cigarette. "I'm sorry, Neesans," he smugly told the assembled girls. "But I don't make Pactios for just anyone!"

"State your price!" Cecilia demanded firmly. "I'll pay anything for one of these 'contracts' with Ichika!"

"It's not about money!" he said, blowing a few rings of smoke. "I won't do contracts for anyone but my brother, I'm his exclusive representant!"

Kuroneko frowned. "And why's that?"

"Well, for starters, none of your boys has the magical capacity to be an effective Magister," the ermine told them, "but if you want a Pactio with the Bro, that can be arranged, you just have to ask nicely and--"

They began stomping down on him.

---

They were gone now, and so, pummeled and bruised, he began his way back home.

"Ah ha ha, just wait a little, before long you'll be desperate enough, and it's not like you can resist his charm for any long and-- UWAAAAA!" he said shakily, right before limping into a carefully concealed trap and being suspended in a net far above ground level.

He found a set of intense, drilling eyes staring at him, as a black aura flowed all around a cute, rather young dark haired girl. "I won't be denied any more chances with my Oniisama, mine, mine, mine..." Yuiga Mizuki crooned dangerously, holding a piece of chalk in a hand and a very big knife in the other.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Chamo wailed.

---

Kuroko shrugged. "That's what the girls said he said, so I figured out, why to bother asking him? That idiot would just deny me anyway..."

Sitting under the tree having lunch with her, Uiharu and Saten just stared at the shorter girl. Finally, the latter said, "Um, but that guy's a pervert. I'm sure he only has scruples about setting girls with other boys, but I'm certain that, had you asked him, he'd have been all up for one of those things between you and Misaka, even if only 'cause he'd love to see girls kissing..."

Kuroko's eyes went huge and blank for a moment, then she just set her bento box down and started running away, desperately looking for what eventually would just be her and Chamo's inevitable doom, regardless...

 

[OverMaster]

An Acquired Taste.

"Sensei," Shirou said very seriously over the dinner table. "Since the girls won't be here tonight, we feel we must take the chance to tell you that... you've been kissing them far too often of late."

Negi blinked innocently, stopping applying the lipstick on his meal. "What makes you think that?"

The other boys stared at him.

 

[OverMaster]

Sign of the Gun.

I'm an old fashioned man, and everybody who knows me knows that.

I don't do online social interaction. I do, however, have a foreign pen pal, an American.

Now, to be an American and be as out of touch with 'the times' as I am, this American obviously needs to be a social outcast. I'd rather prefer writing to and being written by a normal, productive member of society such as myself, but such a person, in America, wouldn't be resorting to letters in this day and age, and contrary to what the saying says, you can't choose your relatives or friends, at least not when you aren't like most people.

This person... he still writes in a typing machine of all things, and he's a hardcore Conservative. I believe he lives somewhere in the Midwest mountains. He obviously hates me just for being a foreigner, but given that obviously nobody wants to deal with him in real life, he is stuck with me as much I'm stuck with him.

When I told him of my goal in life, he just asked me, "Well, why don't you use a gun?"

"Paul," I wrote, "I'm a Japanese. We don't have access to guns."

"Bullshit," was his reply. "You are rich, aren't you? Rich men can get themselves anything they want, no matter where in this fucking world."

I conceded that point, "but it's a matter of principle. I strive to be a decent, law abiding Japanese corpse, and I won't use a gun. Tell me, are they effective anyway?"

He was, for the first time, actually happy to write me, and sent several letter installements enthusiastically preaching on the virtues of guns as a tool to solve every problem. There was nothing guns couldn't solve in the hands of a good American, and guns were so effective, that even a Jap like me should be able to off himself with one.

I didn't want to offend him or his faith, so I politely wrote him I'd think on the subject, and changed the subject.

Obviously, this didn't fool him. "Nozomu, you're a fucking spineless dweeb" he accused me, before moving on anyway, and the topic wasn't touched again.

---

Last month, after two months of failing to receive his letters, his brother-- a brother I'd never been told about before-- wrote to me. Paul had shot himself in the head in his woodlands cabin, and they found him a week after the fact. The brother told me Paul had left me some books on alt-right nonsense in his will, and so they were included in the package.

I still haven't bought myself a gun, even though I'm certain I could have one imported. I don't think I ever will. That's not the Japanese way, for Kami's sake.

Besides, I'm sure I'd have more of a success if I ever manage to read through all those books in their entirety. Just going through their prologues makes me sick, even if, out of respect for Paul, they remain, safe and sound, in my bookshelves, all the way at the bottom.

 

[OverMaster]

The Ol-- Motherly Switcheroo.

"Oh, mother," Negi moaned as the woman pulled down on his clothes, hungrily kissing all over his neck.

The person about to knock on the other side of the door tensed up.

"Mother!" Negi gasped as the woman snuck a hand into his pants and began fondling. "Oh yes, that's how I like it..."

"Hrrrmmm," the woman purred huskily. "Just let your mother take care of everything..."

The horrified person standing outside threw the door open violently. "What kind of perfid villainy--!?"

Minamoto no Raikou frowned, briefly pausing in her ministrations to stare back at her, while Negi paled and blushed at once, shaking in place. "Oh, but if it is the deserter. What is your business here, and why hasn't it been so the ten years prior?"

"These crossovers with Type-Moon have been a mistake," Arika sighed sadly.

 

[OverMaster]

Knock.

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

Gordolf looked at the door. "Yes, who is it?"

Da Vinci-chan walked in. "Director, we are going to need your signature for these documents..."

It was another average day in the Shadow Border.

Ritsuka, after all, was a girl, Heroic Spirits aren't actually living men or women, and almost all male Chaldea staffers had just been messily killed off.

"Wait, what about--" Meuniere began to ask.

We are talking about men here...

"Oh, you son of a bitch!"

 

[OverMaster]

Subverted Trope.

"You know what trope in manga, books and TV I hate?" Suzumiya Haruhi asked cheerfully. "That one where the free spirited, self confident, open minded girl who is proud of her body and doesn't mind showing what Kami-sama gave her suddenly gets all prissy and modest and fearful as a mouse just because the guy she likes sees her naked now! I mean, if anything, closer intimacy should only make you even more comfortable with your loved ones, right?! Just think of us, we've known each other for long enough now, that it shou--!"

"J-J-Just put on a towel already, please!" Negi, still averting his gaze from the girl who'd just walked in on him in the baths, kept on blushing intensely.