OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

Wherever my Wings Take Me.

"I am the terror that flaps in the night," a voice said from the window. "I am the--"

"Funny, I expected for 'Gizmoduck' to show up first," calmly said the tiny obese man, not even bothering to turn from the drink he was fixing. With a heavy sigh, he reached for a second glass and began filling it. "Are you a drinker?"

"..." the even shorter figure at the window said, and dropped in with a frown. "Never in the job, that's for sure."

"Is that so? I won't poison it, it'd be awfully difficult to explain," the human said, finally deigning to face him, and taking a first, aloof sip from his glass. "I'm here on a vacation, nothing else."

"Awfully early for a recreational trip here, Mr. Cobblepot," the figure in purple said, "since your world and ours have just began official relationships."

A large wry smile curved itself across that round face. "I won't deny I have the connections for it. So what? You are connected as well, if the stories about how well equiped you are must be believed. I simply wanted to enjoy the city before it's fully tainted by contact with mankind, that is all. I want to remember it as untouched by man's hand as possible."

"Hmmmm," the duck said, still eyeing him warily from his distance.

"The Bat's talked to you already, hasn't he," Oswald Cobblepot didn't even bother to make it an actual question. "Of course he has. A terrible man to listen to. I'm sure I could make for a better friend than him, he's made a habit of burning his associates in the past."

"How long will you be staying?"

"That's no business of yours, it's my money I'm spending here," the Penguin snapped, suddenly much less friendly, "but if you really need to know... I was thinking of two weeks, unless something strikes my fancy? I'm not talking about your ladies, rest assured. My interest on ornithology doesn't go quite that far..."

"Good to know," he replied dryly.

Cobblepot grabbed a cigarette and lit it up. "You want to know if I'm going to establish a business venture here. Let's get that out of the way right now. What if I did? I'm a legitimate businessman, and any debts I ever had with my society have been long paid, no matter what that man says. I've studied your laws already. If I wanted to set a casino, or a night club, in this city, I would be perfectly entitled to. And no public officer would object. Your 'Mundus Magicus' will need all the investment it can get for decades to come."

"I'm aware..."

"Well then," Penguin smiled maliciously, blowing some smoke in his general direction. "I will assume, then, that this is your welcome to Saint Canard. Maybe you can suggest me someone who could work here, as my representative?"

He turned back towards the window. "Have a good night, Mr. Cobbeplot."

"That'll be Mr. Penguin to you, young man," he snorted, even as the caped visitor shot a hook line into the night and swung away.

The Penguin closed the window after him, and waddled towards his hotel bedroom. "Even less brains than his, how could that be possible..."

A loud crash sound from the window startled him, and he ran back to see the upper half of a duck in shiny white armor sheepishly waving at him, the lower half still hanging outside.

"Good evening, and sorry!" the new intruder waved at him with an awkward smile on his beak. "Hm, never mind this, it didn't mean to break in like this. I miscalculated, that's all. You're Oswald Cobbeplot, right? The Batman said--"

Penguin just reached for the buzzer and pressed the button. "SECURITY!-!"

 

What Their Hearts Long For.

"Nodoka-san...?" Rito called out. "Miyazaki-san, Haruna-chan's calling for-- Oh," Rito came to a stop, finding her sitting asleep under a tree, in the warm quietness of the resort. The young man smiled to himself. "I see, you were training on your own, weren't you...?"

Then he noticed the open book by her side.

"G-Geez," he said, picking it up, "you shouldn't leave it just like this, what if Chamo or someone grabs it and--?"

Then he looked down, almost casually, at the open pages aimed at the Artifact's owner, and a thick spray of blood sprang from his nose.

---

"Rito-san...?" Keiichi called out. "Rito-san, Haruna-san wants to know what's taking you so-- Oh!" Morisato came to a stop, finding Nodoka sitting asleep under a tree, in the warm quietness of the resort. And Rito unconscious on the floor only a few steps apart from her, resting on his stomach. The still conscious young man raised an eyebrow to himself. "Now what the heck's going on here...?"

Then he noticed the open book by Rito's side.

"Geez," he groaned, picking it up, "she shouldn't leave it just like this, what if Chamo or someone grabs it and--"


Then he looked down, almost casually, at the open pages aimed at Yuuki's prone body now, and a thick spray of blood sprang from his nose.

---

"Yuuki-kun, Senpai, Nodoka-chan...?" Sora called out. "Haruna-san wants to know what's taking you all so-- Oh!" Hasegawa came to a stop...

And so on.

 

Dad?

Then, with no warnings whatsoever, something ripped his cell's doors off in a single mighty yank, and the man inside jumped back against the padded wall, startled.

"... father?" asked the tall, busty young woman with long hair and a large bow in her hand, standing at the doorstep while alarms began blaring madly all through the asylum. "Oh, is that really you?! See, I told you, I told you...!"

"What, what are you talking about, that's obviously an impostor!" protested the slender young man wearing the all concealing black robes and the expressionless mask. "Idiot, I warned you, and yet you dragged us here for nothing...!"

"No, no, that's him, it has to be! True, he has changed a little..." the woman insisted while a demented clown's laughter exploded violently just a few doors away. "... but that can't be helped, this is no doubt his avatar, reborn in lesser times! You didn't know him like I did! You tell him, Heracles!"

"Grrrrrrrr?" the towering shirtless giant standing close tilted his head aside, staring quizzically at the prisoner, and frowned.

"See, Heracles agrees with me!" the young woman smiled, satisfied.

"No, he doesn't!" her other brother snapped angrily.

"Who... who are you...?" asked the bearded man in the straightjacket.

The buxom beauty patted his head. "Oh, father, always the jovial kidder! It is me, of course, your Artemis! And these are Heracles and Perseus, as soon as we heard of you, we came to rescue you..."

"He wouldn't need a rescue if he were the real Zeus!" Perseus slammed a foot down.

The tiny plush bear sitting on Artemis' head sighed as the armed guards closed in from all sides. "Whatever, let's just grab him and we'll figure the rest out later..."

---

"So we brought him here, and now our family is one step closer to completion!" Artemis slammed a fist on her chest, while Perseus stood mortified and Heracles kept on gruffly sniffing the still confused Maxie Zeus' head. "Greet our father with all the respect he deserves! Praise the immortal Allfather of Olympus!"

Castor and Pollux just stared on blankly, completely stunned out of their minds.

The tiny sheep sitting on Paris' lap turned his head towards him, and said, "Baaaa, baaaa, baaa, baaa. Baaaaaa!"

Paris nodded, stood up holding him, and then held him higher so Apollo's hoof could descend as hard as it could on his favorite sister's head.

 

You aren't even Human.

Asuna sat on the edge of the balcony, staring off into the distance.

Webby, who was passing by carrying a sandwich on a tray, stopped by her side. "Why are you so sad? We won, didn't we?"

"I'm not said," Asuna said, "I'm just... Look, just try and see this from my perspective, okay? I've just found out I'm not even human. I'm a... thing that was created long ago, maybe centuries old. I never had a mother and a father. Is that why Takahata-sensei always avoided me? There's so much I don't know yet, and I'm so afraid to ask..."

"Oh yeah. That," Webby scratched herself on a cheek. "Well, I just found out I'm a clone of Mr. Mc Duck. I don't have actual parents either."

"Yeah, well, but you're your actual age," Asuna argued, "and in a way, you're still someone's daughter. Other than Ialda Baoth's, I mean. Me? I'm more like a complete fabrication of a person..."

"Like Chachamaru, you mean?" Webby sat down next to her.

Asuna hissed. "That's not the same either, she knew it from the start, and she was created by loving people to be something other than a tool, and--"

"Ah! So you're more like Lena and BOYD, then!"

Asuna ran a hand down her own face. "The age thing still stands, I'm so much older than I ever thought, and that way, how could I ever--"

Webby began counting with her fingers. "Let's see, age's not a problem in establishing relationships for Miss Eva, or Miss Karin... well, it seems to be one for Miss Karin, a bit, but still... or Lady Mavis, or Princess Mina, or..."

Asuna gave her a jaded look. "You're always so happy no matter what."

"That's because I don't want to be sad," she smiled, ripping the sandwich in two and offering Asuna the bigger half. "Wanna some?"

Asuna grabbed it with a vague nod, and then began eating together, gazing into the incoming dawn. "Ah!" Asuna said after a moment. "But you haven't found yourself with evil siblings! I have Sextum and--"

"May and June," Webby cut her short.

Asuna blinked. "I'm talking about EVIL siblings, not about--"

"So am I. At least you don't have to room with yours now," Webby shared. Asuna blinked at this and went back to chewing quietly, out of arguments.

A ball bounced on Webby's head from behind.

She turned around and slammed a webbed foot down. "You're only proving my point here, May...!"

"I'm June, get it right already!"

 

Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

---

Saber.

"Saber, tell me," Ritsuka asked, bringing his hands together. "What is the best thing of life?"

The large, muscular shirtless man with the very big sword pondered this grimly. "Actually," he said after some consideration, "since my arrival to Chaldea I have taken an interest on extreme mountain biking. It is surprisingly competitive and exciting, and Artoria and I have been--"

"Saber...!" Ritsuka complained. "That's not the answer...!"

Saber growled under his breath, then said in his best gruff voice, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."

Ritsuka cheered. "Alright! It's even cooler in person than in a movie...!"

Why did they all follow this brat again? Saber wondered once more.

 

Superhero Origins in the Age of the Coronavirus.

"This movie is really, really underwhelming," Thomas Wayne commented stoically.

"Oh, that's what you always say," his wife sighed as their young son remained oblivious, eyes and ears too glued onto the film. "You're just chafing over not being able to go to the theater."

"That's how cinema is meant to be experienced...!"

Meanwhile, Joe Chill waited, standing miserably at a lonely corner.

"This shit really has fucked the business up," he grouched.

---

"Well, there's good and bad news, Mr. Parker, Mrs. Parker," the doctor said. "The good are, your nephew doesn't have covid-19."

"Oh, thank goodness!" May Parker sighed through her five masks. "But, then...?"

"Yes, well, those are the bad news," the doctor said as his colleagues wheeled the young man out of the room, flanked by half a dozen agents of SHIELD. "We've determined he's suffering the after effects of being bitten by a radioactive spider at his school fair, even though the school was warned they should remain closed..."

"It's been over a year now!" Ben Parker protested. "Um, but will Peter be okay?"

The doctor shrugged. "The symptoms should disappear after one day or two, but we still have determined it's for the best if Peter stays under government custody through the emergence of his likely spider powers until it can be decided what to do with him."

"Is that constitutional?" May asked.

"Madame," he said, "you should be more worried about your coronavirus right now."

"But we don't have--!"

Then they were tasered from behind.

----

"Diana?" Queen Hippolyta blinked, surprised. "Why are you back so soon? What happened with your mission in Man's World?"

"All borders in Man's World have been closed, Mother," her daughter said. "I ignore the exact reasons, but I was forbidden from entering any country, they just mentioned something about--" Then she coughed violently. "Excuse me, I must have caught a cold while trying to enter Brazil..."

Hippolyta raised an eyebrow. "What is 'a cold', my dear?"

"-- and that is what happened," Hippolyta's soul told Aphrodite as she floated before her golden throne with all other Amazons. "I realize it was not a particularly honorable way to die, or that of a warrior, but surely we have earned the Elysian fields regardless...?"

Apphrodite rubbed the bridge of her own nose up and down. "I will tell you what, head two offices to the left, acquire three copies of Form 5-T for each of you, make sure of filling them correctly, and then submit them to Allfather Zeus for consideration of your case..."

 

Tales from Mundus Magicus: Our Insecurities.

After a few first moments of confounded perplexity, even the socially inept scientist and the awkward shut-in had to realize what they were seeing. And they were seeing each other, in the flesh again, after so many weeks.

Doing matching, fittingly nerdy and embarrassing sounds, Satomi and Chisame ran and threw themselves into each other's arms, predictably stumbling and falling together into a yelping bundle.

Matoi pouted as she watched this, standing at a side along a clearly happy Negi and a sympathetic Sakurako.

The cheerleader patted her senpai's shoulder. "I know, I know," she said, sotto voice. "The best we can do, I think, is learning to adapt and cope..."

Matoi made a quiet sound to herself, being once the type to quite strongly disagree with such sentiments.

She wasn't really anymore, these juniors had damaged her, but she still had to stick to the outside form at the very least.

 

Tales from Mundus Magicus: Erza and Chisame.

"It's been decided, you'll room with Erza," Mirajane had smiled at her then.

"What... me?!" Chisame gasped. "Who decided that, shouldn't she get along that much better with Haruka-senpai?! They're both the same basic overwhelming type!"

"It was decided by the wise Guildmaster himself through the fair and impartial procedure of picking straws," Mirajane informed her. "I will room with Miss Haruka, so don't you think you'll be the only one having a hard time..."

"That's not how drawing straws works! Shouldn't we have drawn them ourselves?!"

Mirajane had shrugged. "That's Fairy Tail's way."

Chisame facepalmed and made a very long drawn, very miserable sound.

Standing several steps away, an unnoticed Yukino bit on her lower lip. Why couldn't SHE be rooming with Haruka-chan..?!

"It's destiny dictating we must remain together, Yukino-sama," Juvia said, appearing right behind her like so much quietly flowing water. "And no, I can't read minds. You're just that obvious through your behavior."

"Ahhhhh!" Yukino screamed. "You were here?!"

"Yes, always..."

Well, Chisame told herself. The more some things changed, and all of that.

---

"This will be your bed now," the redhead said dryly as soon as they'd entered the bedroom, pointing at the single bed on it. "I like sleeping in early unless I'm drinking, so I can be up early and get things done. So you'd better not be the wasteful, late frolicking type, and everything will be fine..."

"Um, don't worry, if there's no Internet here, I don't see the point of staying up late," Chisame said, then her face twitched slightly with withdrawal syndrome asserting itself again.

Erza looked at her. "What is 'Internet'?"

Chisame sighed. "Never mind. You'd just think it's a stupid thing anyway. Thank you for giving me your bed, I understand you aren't used to sleeping on futons here, so--"

"What is a futon?" Erza asked again, sitting down on the bed and beginning to pull her shirt off. "And you must be misunderstanding things again, I'm not going to be sleeping on the floor, like a dog, in my own room. You're skinny, so you shouldn't be taking too much space. You don't kick in your sleep, do you?"

Chisame hiccuped helplessly as the buxom woman unzipped and pulled down her skirt next. "N-No... Wait, I'm not all that used to sleep with others, I mean, I kinda am now, but that doesn't mean I like it, maybe I should take the floor!"

"Why would you? I don't kick either. I think," Erza said while reaching behind herself, unclasping her white bra. "And it'd make me a bad hostess, and the Guildmaster would chide me," she scoffed, now skinning off the panties before the blushing younger woman, then casually throwing herself onto the bed, facing the wall and pulling covers up herself. "Good night, then."

"Where, where is your nightgown, though?!" Chisame cried. "Or a pyjama, at least?!"

Erza glared back over a shoulder. "This is how I can sleep. How do YOU do it?"

Chisame walked to a wall and began bashing her head against it.

"I don't get it," a confused Erza asked. "Is that part of your nocturnal ritual?"

---

"... Haruka told me that you were the closest to Nagi Springfield's son," a voice woke Chisame up in the middle of the night.

Chisame bolted up, sitting on the mattress as if just hit by lightning. "E-Ehhh?!"

"I always wanted to know how a son of Nagi Springfield would be," Erza said, still facing the wall and still naked under the bedsheets. "A real one, that is, not one of those pathetic pretenders trying to get fame on his name..."

"W-Well, it's nowhere as glamorous as you'd think," Chisame, who had been forced to sleep in her underwear due to the lack of any proper nightwear in the room, said uncomfortably. "He's still just a child and acts like one. He doesn't like showers, just baths, and while he isn't picky with his food, he--"

"I met Nagi Springfield once, when I was only a child myself. He was the most wonderful man in the world..."

"Um," Chisame grimaced at this unexpected show of devotion from the ever stern woman. "I'm not going to call you a liar, I've never met him myself, but perhaps you should know about a record of sorts we saw that had him--"

"He was the most wonderful man in the world..." Erza said again.

Chisame seethed to herself. "Look, I'm not going to call you out on your heroes, and I guess you could pick them worse, but please listen to--"

"The most wonderful man in the world..." she repeated like a broken record.

Chisame blinked, looked down at her in the cold darkness of the room, and after several moments, curiosity triumphed over fear. The student leaned closer, and got a glimpse of Erza's oddly smiling face, her eyes still closed, and a tiny snot bubble popping in and out of her nose as she drawled, "Most wonderful man..."

She... She just talks like that when she's sleeping?! Chisame pulled back as if dodging poison, skin crawling.

Erza stirred in her dream and tightly hugged her pillow, destroying it in an explosion of feathers. "Thanks for saving me, Thousand Master..."

Oh crap, Chisame thought. She'd better never cross paths with Eva...

I've just jinxed, ain't it? Idiot!

---

"Erza-san," a baggy eyed Chisame asked that morning over breakfast. "What do you think about the Thousand Master?"

Instantly, a terrible silence fell all over the huge table, interrupting all discussions and ongoing fistfights. Even Makarov had suddenly begun to lightly choke on his mouthful. Gray and Natsu were frozen in the middle of pulling onto each other's faces, and Juvia became literal ice saving Yukino from being spoonfed another all too large ration. Elfman slipped quietly under the table, and Locke, after a moment of panic, coughed into a table and quickly excused himself for the bathroom. Out of all the Guild Members, only Lucy looked mostly confused rather than disturbed, cocking her head aside. "Eh?" she asked.

Erza stared at Chisame with dreadful intensity for a moment, then simply shrugged it off and continued eating. "I met him once or twice. Not a bad person, but kind of overrated if you ask me."

The other Guild members except the still puzzled Lucy all dropped what they were doing and stormed out of the room in a frantic stampede, but aren't they all? Who's ever heard of an orderly, controlled stampede?

"Have I missed on something all the time I've been working here?" Lucy asked to no one in particular.

"Looks like it," Chisame said. "By the way, I wanted to ask you something, would you have a night gown or spare pjyama I could use, please?"

 

You, Too?

"Chisame, come along," Erza said, walking out without looking back. "I'll show you the city."

"Yeah, yeah..." Chisame exhaled, following her.

Jiiiiii.

"Chisame, I'm hungry," Erza decided, stopping polishing her armors. "Let's go for a meal."

"All right..." Chisame said, going after her.

Jiiiiii.

"Chisame, come here," Erza commanded from her room. "I bought a new dress today, and I want your opinion on it."

"Fine, if I must..." Chisame put the magazine down and stood from the couch.

The sound came along again, but this time Chisame did stop and look back, glaring in annoyance at its source.

"Jiiiiii." Haruka said with a smile.

"I must say you've surprised me, Senpai," Chisame told her dryly. "I wasn't aware you were capable of ever doing sarcasm..."

 

Monstrous.

"Morticia, dear, there's something I don't think I've ever been told about your family," Lily inquired over spider encroached pastries and rancid tea. "Granny, is she Gomez's mother, or yours?"

And Morticia made one of those small, elegantly sinister smiles of hers. "Yes."

---

"I see," Herman said as he drove them back home. His hugely wide shoulders shrugged. "Well, that's a thing with rich families, you know! Why, I remember Dad tried to set me up with a sister he built for me..."

"Seriously? How did it go?" Marilyn asked from the back seat as the Grandpa and Eddie slept, the former hanging upside down from the ceiling.

"Just like in the movie," Uncle Herman said. "I immediately screamed like this, 'EEEEEEEEE!'" he said in a high pitched falsetto.

Marilyn blinked. "So she wasn't the one to scream?"

"Hohh, ho ho ho! Oh, no, she's the ever stoic type!" Uncle Herman laughed goofily. "I think she's living in Japan right now, actually. Perhaps for the best, maybe she'll get herself a nice kappa..."

---

Chachamaru raised an eyebrow from her side of the bed. "A kappa, really?"

Fran nodded, staring at the ceiling through her red bangs. "Brother seems... to be under the impression they... have a lot of 'liquid assets' and that I'd be better off... marrying one," she said very quietly. "I don't have the heart... or patience... to explain... that's not what... being a water monster means..."

 

A Sound of Thunder, Epilogue.

In the end, it turned out that, actually, by changing the timeline Deutscher had also been altered into a far more benign and reasonable politician.

So Travis had killed Eckels for nothing, but he at least could marvel for the rest of his life of how much more humane and functional prisons were now.

 

The Ultimate Conquest.

"Are you afraid? Please don't be," the pale, black haired young woman smiled, extending a hand towards him. "You've been a good boy. Only rewards wait for you."

Negi looked back. "But... I'm not afraid of that, I'm afraid for them. I can't leave them alone with him..."

She kept on beckoning gently. "There's nothing you can do. You fought bravely. You have nothing to be ashamed for..."

Negi stared at the mists past him tightening his fist at the looking figure of the Mage of the Beginning. "Please, just let me return for a short while. Enough as to complete this. Then I'll return to you."

"It's not about me or what I want. There are rules," she told him.

"Please, let me make my case..."

Oh dear. How passionate, even if in vain.

---

"She is... She is what?" Destruction said, blinking at the news.

Destiny shrugged coldly. "He is just that much of a legend in the making."

Desire smiled smugly, arms folded and leaning ahead on the table. "Ah, my boy. A project of mine that developed beyond my expectations..."

"I don't really see what is so wonderful about him," Morpheus opined. "He always has only one dream, ever the same..."

"You say the same about Batman and everyone loves him," Despair said, absently sinking another hook into her flesh.

"Well, especially you!" Delirium said in turn.

---

"Will that... Will that actually be okay, though?" Negi doubted.

She shrugged, much like Destiny, lounging on a couch before the TV and holding an extremely uneasy Sayo close. "I can work from here. It's a nice place to be in."

"You won't be bringing dead people here all the time, will you?" Chisame winced while Satomi and Matoi just settled down along Death and the latter turned the TV on.

Medea peeked into the room and was horrified. "Oh Zeus almighty, Yuuna was right! It's really you...!"

 

Who's that Guy?

"Who was that man, again?" Superman asked, sitting on the rubble to catch his breath back after everything was done.

"Which man?" Iron Man asked.

"You know, that cheeky, wiry old man who just walked right through the battle and somehow came out unscathed," the confused Kryptonian explained. "I've noticed he always show up whenever we see you."

"Oh, the one who looks like Funky Flashman?" Flash piped in. "Yeah, I was just noticing that too."

"Ah, that's Stan," Spider-Man explained. "He's the janitor in my school, Mr. Stark's bowling instructor, the Four's replacement postman whenever Mr. Lumpkin is on a break, a security guard at Banner's complex, Professor X's next door neighbor, a bus driver in Dr. Strange's neighborhood, and a hot dog salesman at She-Hulk's favorite beach."

"And... what are his superpowers?" Wonder Woman asked.

"He doesn't have any," Daredevil said.

"Then how does he find the time to do all of that AND also randomly show up through any team up we have?!" Flash said.

"He just leads a busy life," the Thing shrugged.

"..." the heroes from the other world said.

Finally, Batman spoke. "I've deduced that he mostly likes taking the spotlight away from Jack, Steve, Bill and Wally."

"Ah, just like Funky Flashman then," Orion growled. "Wait, who are--?"

"To be fair Steve just locks himself up in his apartment all day long and never comes out," Spider-Man supplied.

"Who is this Bill you speak of?" Sub-Mariner inquired.

"And who is Wally?" Daredevil asked.

Nick Fury snorted, puffing on his cigar. "None of you ever remember Jim, that's such a blastin' shame...!"

Green Lantern gave him a surprised look. "Weren't you supposed to be a black man?!"

"Yeah, well, weren't YOU, too?!"

 

Still Can't Buy Happiness.

"So this is what being dead feels like, huh," the little blond boy said, dusting himself off. "Okay, how much do I need to pay to be sent back?"

The nice young pale lady in Goth shook her head. "No, Mr. Rich, this isn't a situation you can buy your way out from."

He smiled, reaching into his wallet. "I'm sure something can be arranged! It was just an accident, right? So I shouldn't even be here, I promise I won't try to swim through currency like Mr. Mc Duck ever again..."

She held a hand up. "No. No, I'm sorry. I'm Death, a conceptual entity beyond those of money and wealth themselves. I existed for millions of years before them, and I will keep existing millions of years after they're forgotten."

Richie kept on smiling, signing on a check. "I'll just put my name here, and you can write any cypher you want then..."

She sighed. "Please pay attention. I'm Death! What would I ever do with money?"

"Fine, fine, then I'll put a tentative amount myself," he said, putting pen to check again. "Let's see, if this okay with you?"m he asked, holding it before her.

And her eyes widened.

---

"Did you hear?" Destruction mused. "Death was convinced to let someone go back. I'm afraid she might be losing it."

"No, it's okay, that was Richie Rich," Dream said, counting through a big fat pack of bills. "Nobody can resist him. Which reminds me, I should be programming the dreams for tonight he requested right now..."

Desire looked at the photos they'd been given to help with that. "His robot maid? Huh, who would've thought...?"

---

"You did what?" Chisame blinked. "You realize this just shouldn't be done, do you?! So any moment now, they'll come knocking here, asking for you! Oh my God, I don't want to deal with this...!"

"I bought a new laptop for you as well," Death said from where she sat playing a four-person videogame with Sayo, Negi and Matoi, next to a huge pile of full shopping bangs reaching the ceiling.

"... thank you, that's really nice of you," Chisame said.

 

For your Race.

Nana smiled, as they stood on the edge of the platform, watching a huge flock of red and blue birds with two heads crawing and flying across the Mundus Magicus skies. They were so numerous they almost eclipsed the sun.

"This is so wonderful," the princess gushed. "So gorgeous! Compared to Earth, well, there' no comparison! They've killed so many of their unique species off..."

"Well," Tamaki said quietly, arms folded behind her back, "We have exterminated many once plentiful species as well."

"Oh? Such as?" the pink haired girl asked.

The dragonic young woman sighed. "I'm the last of mine..."

Nana opened her mouth a lot. "Oh... I see."

---

"D-Do it for the sake of their future!" Nana said, blushing and shoving the awkward looking naked Tamaki towards Negi on the bed. "Do it, do it, I wouldn't hold it against youuuuu!"

Negi blinked and gulped. "But... the last one, really? Then what about Filia-san and--"

"That, that's a different variety!" Tamaki explained, and then, gathering courage, she pounced on him.

 

What If? Unequally Prisma Illya snippet.

"I'm not ashamed," the completely nude Child Gilgamesh said, "of any part of my body."

While Illya and Miyu gagged violently, Kotaro took a look down, then snorted. "You should!" He brought his hands to his pants and began unzipping them. "Wanna see some proof?"

Negi looked aside uneasily, scratching himself of a cheek. "I... I don't think I understand the implications about size being brought here, Kotaro-kun. Regardless of how big it is, it's still-- PULL THOSE PANTS BACK UP RIGHT NOW, YOU HOOLIGAN!"

Kotaro grinned at him. "You're just jealous you have a much smaller skinnier little pinky w--" he began, right before Illya and Miyu invoked a joint barrage of magical bombardment from above on the dog boy and Gil.

 

Teenage Mutant Crossed Over Turtles.

"What is this?" one of the very young bipedal turtles who had rescued her asked, staring over her shoulder.

"It's my laptop," Chibi Satomi explained. "Hadn't you ever seen one before?"

"Um, no, well, you'll see, we live in a sewer..." He pointed up and all around the smelly lair. "It looks fun! Can you teach me how to use it?"

The little girl pondered this, then shrugged. "I can give you this one if you want, I have another dozen back at home. Pay attention, you appear to be intelligent enough as to learn some basic programming..."

---

"I don't remember any of that," Satomi confessed, scratching herself on a cheek.

"Well, you were just a kid back then," Chisame said.

"So were we, and we remember!" Raphael pointed out in exasperation.

Satomi shrugged again, the same way as in the past. "Mother must have erased those traumatic memories so I wouldn't be bothered by the events of an overseas kidnapping, even if a foiled one," she waved it off. "So you took to technology after that, Botticelli, I'm pleased!" she smiled at the one with the blue mask, patting his bald green head. "You appear to be more intelectually developed than I originally thought, now you owe me a few tests so I can analyze your cerebral structure!"

"Oh, so now you remember!" Chisame said.

"My name is Leonardo," the turtle said, "and Donatello is the one you should be telling this to..."

 

The Tough Yet Sensitive Type.

This was a hardened soul, one who would rarely betray any weakness or vulnerability. One that would carry itself with confidence and aplomb, often to the point of looking callous or uncaring.

And yet, now this soul could freely express itself.

For Ala Alba had just rescued Arika Anarchia Enteofushia, pretty much bringing her back to life.

And so, Arika sat in her new room, by the open window overlooking the plains, as sobs of grief and pain filled the space behind the locked door.

She sighed, and patted the big man's broad back once more. "Easy, easy, Jack," she soothed him stoically. "We will find Nagi and save him. That, I promise."

She kept on comforting this soul who had just, finally, found its shoulder to cry on again, abandoning all public pretenses.

 

A Great Help.

"Itoshiki-sensei," Arai-sensei smiled, nodding at him as soon as he opened his front door. "I'd like to ask for your help with an assignment I've been given."

"Good morning, Sensei," he said. "What is it?"

"I have to give a tour of lectures to help local youngsters with suicidal tendencies, and I would like it very much if you could contribute with a few speeches. I am willing to pay however necessary," the smile sweetened, casually complimented by a slight turn ahead of a leg that he failed to notice, or at least appeared to.

He was too busy gaping. "M-Me?!"

---

Mafuyu-sensei all but spat her tea all over the table. "You took him along?! What were you thinking?! He only gave them tips on how to kill themselves, didn't he?!"

"Yes," Arai confirmed with a nod, "but with no exception, every last one of them in the audiences realized how pointless and absurd suicide was after every last one of his rants trying to convince them on it. Most of them have joined social clubs since, and like half rose to the top of their classes already..."

 

The Worst Pain.

Semiramis and Medea sat at the same table, sipping tea elegantly from taching cups.

Artoria and Mordred passed by their open door, oblivious to them and growling at each other.

"Semiramis," Mordred argued.

"Medea," her father disagreed.

"Semiramis," Mordred insisted.

"Medea!"

"Semiramis!"

"Medea!"

Semiramis raised an eyebrow. "It's insulting, knowing that their point is which one of us is worse, isn't it?"

"It's much worse for me," Medea sighed. "I am fond of mine, at least you can hate yours back..."

"A fair point," the Wise Queen allowed.

 

A Moment of Contemplation.

Minamoto Shizuna sat by her window, quietly going through the documents the Headmaster had given her to review.

Two girls passed by her window.

"I'm contemplating suicide right now," one of them was saying.

"Seriously? So am I," the other one said. "Wanna go do it together?"

"Sure, let's..."

Horrified, the woman sprang up from her chair, bolted down the stairs, and ran after them.

She caught to them right when they were sitting under a large tree, along several others, to look up at Itoshiki-sensei hanging from a large branch.

"Ahhh!" one of them sighed. "Isn't he dreamy...?"

Shizuna-sensei facefaulted on the dirt.

 

Whoever Holds this Hammer...

"There," Skuld's cousin said, setting his large hammer on the ground. "Let us see which one of you can lift it, then."

"Oh, I'm certain Negi-sensei will be able to!" Ayaka laughed, giving Negi's back a subtle push. "Rather easily at that, won't you, Sensei?"

"Um," the boy swallowed. "I'm not all that certain myself, Iinchou, but the least I should do is trying to match your faith as best as I can..."

He grabbed the hammer by the handle and pulled on it, but it didn't budge at all. "NNNGHH!" He let go of it and shook his head. "Sorry, it seems I cannot after all..."

Ayaka's jaw dislodged itself. "W-What?! Why, why don't you try again, Sensei?! I'm sure that, applying just a little more strenght...!"

Kotaro pushed Negi aside. "My turn!" He grinned, spat on his hands, rubbed them together, and eagerly grabbed the handle, tugging on it. "NNNGHGH! RRRGHHH! GRRR, GRRRRR!" he growled, grinding his heels on the grass. "I'm moving it already, I can feel it...!"

Konoka giggled, then pulled a fan out and whacked Kotaro in the face, making him stumble back. "Enough of that, silly Kotaro-kun! Let Setchan lift it, please! Setchan, my proud worthy warrior? If you would be so kind..."

Setsuna gulped. "M-Me? But, Ojou-sama, I... That is... Oh, what's the point," she relented, walking over, grabbing the weapon, and giving it a long, powerful yank. "YAAAAHHHHHH!"

She kept on pulling until her veins strained visibly and her wings popped out, but the results were no better than those of the boys.

"Setsuna," Misora said eventually. "Why don't you just quit it? It's getting kinda sad, actually..."

"Not quite as sad as it could," Negi observed, looking towards where Kotaro sat on the dirt facing a tree and whimpering to himself, "but yes, you should just stop trying by now. It's not a big thing, really..."

"Yeah, Setsuna," Misa said. "Konoka won't like you any less just for this."

"She's right, Setchan," Konoka said, unconsciously edging closer to Thor on her sitting butt. "At least you tried...!"

"Oh, there you were!" Asuna walked into sight, holding a bunch of nuts in a hand. "Ah, just the thing I was looking for. Let me have it just a sec, right, Setsuna-san?" she absently stopped by Setsuna, casually patted her hand off Mjolnir, grabbed the mystic weapon, and lifted it over her head to smash the nuts she'd just set down, even as the eyes of everyone, including Thor, Skuld, Saber and Shirou, popped out of their sockets. "Whammo!" Then she began distributing the opened nuts around. "There, I'm sure this should suffice 'til dinnertim-- Huh?" She looked at everyone. "What's wrong? I'm sharing, right?"

Then a whole suit of Norse armor appeared on her.

 

Babes in Toyland.

Johnny Bravo turned the TV off, disappointed.

"This whole movie is a huge, miserable lie!"

 

Disappointing!

"So, how did your Metropolis vacation go, Madge?"

"Oh, it was terrible! Awful! Can you believe it? We were there a full week and never, not even once, anyone lifted our car over their head!"

 

Where There is Fire.

Courage sat at the middle of the room, on a small wooden chair by a table.

He sighed, then gestured with a paw, nodding.

Anya smiled, slammed her hands against the floor, and then fire erupted from it, all around her dog.

Courage drew a deep breath, then said, "This is fine..."

Grinning, Anya took a photo with her smartphone, then began clapping. "Bravo! Bravo! It was perfect! It's sure to become viral in no time...!"

"Great! Can you put if off now, then?" Courage whined, patting on one of his ears as it caught fire.

The things I do for love...!

 

... that's my Fetish.

Tate Yuuichi was heading back home when someone suddenly grabbed him by an arm and pulled him between some tall, thick bushes.

A masked woman seethed on his face, holding him by the collar. "Hey, kid," she said with a dangerous growl. "I've heard you've been drooling after some big breasted bimbo workin' a cafe."

Tate blinked helplessly. "Uhhhhh?"

She rattled him. "Well, forget boutta that, Hon! That chick's off limits, see?!"

"What, who? Do you mean Tokiha? Tokiha and I aren't--"

"Why don'tcha settle for something closer to home?" she growled, pressing him closer so her firm breasts mashed against his chest and her red lips grimaced so close to his. "I heard you've got a nice girl pinin' fer ya, that sounds like more up to yer speed..."

"Huhhhh?" Tate asked, feeling her warm breath on his face. "I have no idea what--"

"Get a clue," she snorted, shoving him so he fell sitting on the ground. "Or else you'll be seein' me again. And next time, I'm spankin' ya."

He looked on with huge round eyes as she walked away, her shapely rear in short shorts so appealing.

---

Harley smiled. "Aw, why the long face today, Shiho-chan? Still feelin' unlucky at love? Cheer up! I've gotta feeling that's about to change!"

"..." Shiho, Mayu, Isley, Akira and Minako said, all looking towards the nearby table, where a red faced Tate sat, silently staring and staring at Harley.

Harley, her back still turned on him, blinked. "Huh? Ain't you even gonna be askin' how do I know--"

Shiho slapped her across the face.

Mai walked out of the kitchen, a tray on each hand. "Oh, Tate!" she recognized him. "What are you going to be ordering tod-- WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU TODAY?!" she shouted at the small redhead and frantic blonde suddenly grappling and punching each other on the floor all before her.

 

Magical Mystery Tour.

"Can I tell you something?" Haruhi asked.

Itsuki smiled. "You know you can tell me anything."

"Of course I can, I'm the president," the girl sighed, leaning back on the chair and throwing her head back. She basked on the afternoon sun for a moment, then said, "Do you think I should recruit Negi-sensei to help with the movie?"

The boy paused. "Why would he be of any--"

"Oh please," Haruhi grunted, waving a hand his way. "Don't offend my intelligence, you've always known, and you know I know now, too. You even know when I learned."

Koizumi sighed. "One week ago..."

"... when Yuki, Mikuru and I were kidnapped a whole night, yeah," Haruhi said, wagging a foot. "I bet I could manipulate a magus into doing some really cool shit for us, you know. Awesome stuff."

"Director, please," Itsuki sighed. "Kyon-kun..."

"Kyon," Haruhi mused, "ruined it all."

"Huh?"

"Or maybe he didn't. One way or the other, it used to be, the supernatural was so thrilling back when I couldn't reach it. It was so alluring. So cool. Then I met the most supernatural thing in the world, and it turned out to be just some boring dude who'd rather lead a gray, plain life. And thanks to him, I can't even really explore what I've longed for all of my life. I ask you, Itsuki, is that fair?"

"I wouldn't know about that, but it's perhaps for the best regardless."

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "No wonder you love him so much. Deep inside you're both the same. You love safety more than anything else. Fine. Fine! I wouldn't do it anyway. Too easy."

"That's good to hear," Koizumi said carefully. "You're still talking about not recruiting Negi-sensei, right?"

"Of course I am. That is less than I expected, too. I mean, I'm sure I'd be happier there than here, but... in the end, that's also just a glorified fan club. They don't want to change the world. They don't want to forge history. They don't want to bring the fantasy all over. Disappointing. All of it. So much..."

Asahina came in, in full maid regalia, and poured them juice. "They might change the world, regardless," she suggested quietly. "Someday."

Haruhi blinked, straightening up on the chair. "You mean..."

She smiled and winked at her. "Classified information," she said with a bit of impish mischief, so unlike her, and then left the room again.

Haruhi blinked a few times as Koizumi watched her in concern, and then smiled pleasantly, which only made her even scarier.

"Moments like these remind why I still keep that girl around."

 

Will I?

“You should know,” Haruhi said as they walked back home after classes. “Will we be part of Ala Alba too? I mean, kissing him and everything?”

Before Mikuru could speak, bur right after she’s opened her dainty pretty mouth, Haruhi added, “I mean. I get it’s bound to be classified information, but—“

“So classified, as a matter of fact,” Asahina said, “that even I haven’t been told on it.”

“How come?”

Mikuru wagged a little, doll like finger. “It was important for me to be kept on the dark about the specifics before being sent here. Otherwise, my personal preconceptions on the outcome might either alter it or shape it, creating a different manner of glitch or anomaly in the process.”

“But…” Haruhi doubted, “if you fulfill what you’ve been told to accomplish, then there’ll be no paradoxes or anything, right? Wouldn’t that just create a stable time loop?”

“Not necessarily,” Mikuru said, “but the specifics are best left to our technicians to explain.”

“Great, just point me to one of them then,” Suzumiya groaned. “Well, then, what do you hope from this situation? Would you be happier with Ala Alba, or with the SOS Brigade?”

“Happiness isn’t something one gets from the surroundings, it’s something one must learn to nurture from the inside,” Mikuru said. “Or else, it’s not true happiness. Just a fleeting facsimile, bound to disappear as soon as the wind changes course.”

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. “Awfully poetic from you, Mikuru-chan!”

The other girl shrugged. “Learning such truths is a must when one is to spend the rest of one’s life displaced from everything and everyone one once knew.”

“So… you aren’t expected to ever come back?”

Mikuru shook her head in silence.

Haruhi pondered this in silence for a few moments before shrugging it off. “You told me, however, that you do know that Negi’s going to change the future in a big way.”

“I only said that might happen…”

“Don’t make me start fondling you now.”

“Sorry.”

“In that case, wouldn’t it make more sense if you were going to join him, to make part of that change?” Haruhi argued. “Shouldn’t you be looking forward to that, rather than spending your time serving me? Or are we gonna be together in that, too?”

Mikuru lowered her gaze. “I’m sorry, I can’t say for sure. I only can wait for further instructions on the subject.”

“To hell with the further instructions!” Haruhi snapped. “Can’t you ever think on your own?!”

“I was selected to serve under you precisely because of my capacity to pledge my own will to those of others,” Mikuru said sheepishly.

Haruhi blinked several times at this answer, then began laughing.

She ran an arm around Mikuru’s shoulders. “Then I’ll give you those instructions. And what I have decided is—“

Here she paused, and Mikuru looked at her in uncertain expectation. Kyon-san, or Negi-sensei? Whom would she choose in the long run?

Haruhi shook her head, still smiling. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “Like hell I know. God help me, Mikuru-chan. I don't know!”

Mikuru, after a moment of doubt and mild dread, reached over and squeezed Haruhi’s hand in hers.

They made the rest of the way back home in a shared silence.

 

The Day we Lost the Internet.

They sat together in the darkness, whimpering to themselves and shaking.

Finally, the oldest of them could speak. “Anyone remembered to save any books?”

“E-books?” another one said. “How could we save any e-books, they’re gone with the rest of everything!”

“No! No, I meant—Forget it! Magazines, then?”

“I’ve got several rounds,” a gun enthusiast said. “Wanna start it already, huh? Clever, where do we begin?”

“Not that kind of magazines! Oh, newspapers, then?”

“What’s that?” the youngest one asked.

“New toilet paper?” another one suggested. “No, I told y’all we shoulda stocked when we had the chance…!”

And so, human culture died.

It was nice while it lasted.

 

Toxic.

"Why, you uncouth ape!" Ayaka shouted.

"Wanna make something out of it, deviant?"

"How, how do you even know that word?! Konoka-san had to tell you, didn't she...?"

"Keep Konoka out of this! Do I ever bring Chizuru up during these fights?!"

"You're doing it right now...!"

"Excuse me," a girl with freckles and short orange haired approached them. "I'm from the Sociology Club, and I've been studying you for a week now, as part of my end of term project..."

"Eh?" Asuna said, still holding Ayaka by the collar.

"A stalker?" Ayaka blinked, still grabbing Asuna by the hair.

"No, I'm an avid refuter and enemy of unhealthy social behavior!" the girl said, pointy little nose daintily raised. "As such, I'm going to advise you to stay apart from each other already! My study has demonstrated unequivocally that yours is an extremely toxic and mutually harmful relationship! That's not how a real friendship should--"

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!" both of them screamed at her at once.

---

"Geez, call me old fashioned, but I miss the days when one could have a worst enemy without being called out on it," Asuna said as they walked away.

"You tell me," Ayaka replied. "The pressure to have nothing but friendly, politically correct relationships based on equality and mutual respect is much higher now that ever. What kind of world are these kouhai going to end up building?"

"I shudder to think about it..."

In the locker they were leaving behind, the girl bashed a hand against the locked door. "Okay, fine, you've proved you can work together regardless! Will you leave me out now?! You're not going away, are you?!"