[RWBY] RWBY Shorts

[AndrewJTalon]

Sienna Khan was a bit tense as she waited in the Menagerian Embassy in Atlas. For James-General Ironwood to go to such lengths to summon her personally... It was unheard of. Her spies hadn't given her any indication as to what could have brought it about, though the Atlasian Council was potentially going to try to lift some sanctions on them in the coming session.

The door to the private conference room opened. James marched in, slamming the door behind him. Sienna stood up out of habit.

Sienna: "James, what's going on-?"

James glared. He slammed some photos down on the table. Sienna looked at them... And sucked in a very deep breath.

They were pictures of a young man with dark skin... And familiar blue eyes.

James: "... How could you hide him from me?"

Sienna let out her breath in a resigned sigh. She shook her head.

Sienna: "I... I didn't know I was pregnant until I was with the White Fang. By then... I couldn't just tell you-"

James: "You should have! He's my son-!"

Sienna: "I WANTED TO! Don't you think I wanted to?! But what was I supposed to say? That I had the child of James Ironwood?! Do you think that I could have kept him safe if the rest of the White Fang knew the truth?!"

James: "I could have protected him-I SHOULD have protected him-I should have known-!"

Sienna: "And if you had, what then?! You couldn't leave your post any more than I could have! This scandal would destroy us both!"

They glared at one another angrily, breathing hard. James grit his teeth.

James: "... He's my son."

Sienna: "And he's also mine. And I did what I could to keep him safe. I am sorry, James... But what was I supposed to do?"

James: "Tell me! At least let me know!"

Sienna: "I couldn't risk it, James!"

James: "Is that the truth? Or did you just want to hide him to use him as a weapon against me? Against Atlas?"

Sienna: "If I'd wanted to, I would have done it already, James!"

James: "I don't know that!"

Sienna: "You do! You do..."

Sienna fought tears. She had tried so hard to stay calm and collected... But against James? She couldn't be.

Sienna: "He... He doesn't even know I'm his mother. I left him with people I could trust."

James: clenched fists "Sienna..."

Sienna: "... We could never be together, James. We know that... But I did what I could so that our son would be safe. What else... What else could I do? But to keep him out of our war?"

She sobbed. James was silent, still... Before he pulled her into a hug. She collapsed into his embrace, crying softly.

What else could either of them do?

 

[RustedSands]

*team RWBY come across Jaune pacing back and forth in the courtyard*

Yang: Yo VB. what's wrong?

Jaune: My cousin Pansy and her friend Stella are coming to visit....

Ruby: and what's wrong with that?

Jaune: If Pansy shows up here then NONE of the guys on campus are safe...

Weiss: Does she dislike men or....?

Jaune: The opposite actually.

Blake: Seems like a rude thing to say about a family member.

Jaune: But not an untruthful thing to say either....

Yang: And what's wrong with her friend?

Jaune: If Stellas with her then i'm pretty much going to be stuck as her slave the entire time

???: oh come on cuz! Is that anyway to talk about your favorite cousin?

Jaune: p-pansy! How...nice to see you

???: Jaune. I want cake.

Jaune: o-of c-course Stella

Ruby: It's nice to meet you pansy & stella

Pansy: oh please! My friends call me Panty.

Stella: Call me stocking.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Another night, another episode of Valewatch. And...

Blake: "... I cannot even... What is the plot of this-this abomination?!"

Yang: "What's so hard to follow? The members of Valewatch save a sea lion by taking it to Oceanworld to heal it, and get to participate in a Valewatch themed water show that Bianca came up with the moment they arrived, and also had to fight off some Bandits who wanted to sacrifice the sea lions to the Grimm to gain magical powers. It makes total sense!"

Blake: "... Please tell me you're joking."

Yang: grins

Blake: "I hate you so much."

Yang; "I know. It gives me strength."

Weiss: "Look at it this way, Blake: It's still better written than your fanfics."

Blake: "YOU TAKE THAT BACK! THEY ARE SUPERIOR TO THIS DRECK IN EVERY WAY!"

Ruby: *Reading one* "Well... It has a lot more kissing, and touching, and-"

Yang yanks her Scroll away.

Ruby: "Hey! I was reading that!"

Yang: "Deal with it."

Jaune: "I mean, it was just blatant self promotion. The Valewatch Water Show has been out for like, two years now."

Ren: "Wouldn't it have made more sense to promote it the same year it came out?"

Pyrrha: "It would, but negotiations for those kinds of tie ins can take a very long time to formalize. My Pumpkin Pete endorsement was supposed to happen on my second Tournament victory-It didn't go through until I was halfway through my fourth tournament."

Weiss: "Ah, that does make sense."

Jaune: "Yeah. I mean I was a fan of Pumpkin Pete's forever but you didn't show up on it until just before I left for Beacon."

Pyrrha: "You still really shouldn't eat it."

Nora: "Are you kidding?! It's practically made of sugar!" Om nom nom!

Ruby: "I know!"

Jaune: "Yeah okay, no more of that for either of you."

Yang: "Totally!"

Ruby: huffs "Allright, Mom and Dad!"

Yang and Jaune blush. Pyrrha frets. Weiss snorts.

Weiss: "Ha! Like that would ever happen. You and Arc reproducing!"

Yang: "Got a better chance of it happening than you and Neptune! How many girls has he been with before, after, and during your relationship?"

Weiss: "HEY!"

Jaune: "Easy Yang, geez. It's not Weiss' fault that she didn't see through him."

Blake: "Even though she really should have given all her suitors in Atlas."

Weiss: "J-Just shut up and let's get back to the stupid show! What's the next episode?"

Yang: "It involves a fart wizard!"

Weiss: "... You're kidding."

Jaune: "We're not."

Ruby: "Heheheheheheh! Sounds hilarious! A real... Ripping good time!"

Yang: "HA! That's my girl!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Jaune: "Dad... Why can't I be a paladin like you? Join an order?"

Nick: "Your mother wants you to be a doctor-"

Jaune: "I don't want to be! I want to be like you and Mom! Heroes! Hunters! Why can't I be that?!"

Nick: sighs "... You're very gentle, Jaune. Very kind."

Jaune: "So that makes me weak?!"

Nick: "No. No, kindness is what a knight should be."

Jaune: "But... Your order... Isn't it of Saint Edmund the Just?"

Nick: smiles "Yes. Edmund the Just. Edmund, the one who fought through three Grimm Ogres to break the White Witch's wand! Edmund, the strategist who aided his brother in the great campaigns!"

Jaune: *grins* "Yeah!"

Nick: "And he was also Edmund the Redeemed. He betrayed his siblings and Narnia to the White Witch. He fell for her lies, ate her food. Aslan died in his place. And he redeemed himself and Aslan forgave him. He didn't deserve it, but he received it. Just as none of us deserve Aslan's grace... But He gave it to us anyway."

Jaune: "Oh..."

Nick: "You are kind and warm and don't hold grudges. But... A warrior needs fire as well as kindness. And I don't know if you have that, son."

Jaune: scowls "How will I know if I have it if you don't even give me a chance to prove it?!"

Nick: "... That's true, son. Sometimes... You just have to go and take it. Prove yourself by disobeying the rules."

Jaune: "Dad?"

Nick: nods "Like Edmund... You'll have to take the initiative, and prove yourself. Show that you're more than what you've done. All paladins do, son."

Later... Jaune runs out with armor and a sword and shield, and his luggage. He's running for the gates... Sneaks out... And heads for the train station.

Nick watches him go. Tex stands next to him.

Tex: "You know, you could stop him."

Nick: "I could."

Tex: "So, why not? Your wife's gonna raise hell."

Nick: "I know."

Tex: "Sooo... Why aren't you stopping him?"

Nick: "Because he needs to find his strength."

Tex: "He might die."

Nick: nods "He might... But he will find his way. I have faith. After all... In the end, it's all anyone has."

Tex: deadpan "And you also killed every Grimm between here and the train station."

Nick: "Well, he's still my son and I'm going to do my best for him! I'm not a monster!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

For reasons unknown to all and sundry... Okay, Neo got her hands on some magic things Cinder took from Salem and wanted to try them out... A minor zombie apocalypse was now occurring around Beacon.

Ruby: "AHHHH! THE DEAD! THE DEAD ARE RISING!"

Port: "You know, I did say we needed to move that ancient cemetery. Why I remember the time the last-"

Oobleck: "Yes Peter, very informative! I believe we should deal with this posthaste!"

Yang: "SERIOUSLY?! ZOMBIES?!"

Blake: "Are you scared, Yang?"

Yang: "YES! VERY SCARED!"

Blake: "Fair. So am I."

Weiss: "I DID NOT SIGN UP TO FIGHT THE UNDEAD!"

JNPR arrives... With shotguns and in Jaune's pick up truck.

Jaune: "Hey guys!" shoots a zombie in the face "Need shotguns? I got a whole bunch!"

Ruby: "Wha-Jaune?!"

Yang: "Why aren't you freaking out?!"

Jaune: "Oh, this? Pfft. This is kind of normal in Radian. Little early for Summerween but what can you do?" Shoots another Zombie in the head casually "Ruby, you probably want to support from range since you're a sniper. Weiss, mind supporting Nora? I don't want her getting too carried away."

Nora: "BANZAIIIIII!"

Pyrrha: "I got the buzz saws ready, Jaune!"

Jaune: "Great! And Ren, targets of opportunity please!"

Ren: "Sure!"

Yang: "Wha-What am I supposed to do?!"

Jaune: "Would you like chainsaw gauntlets?"

Yang: "... Yes! Yes I would!"

Jaune: "Sweet! Gotcha some! I know Ruby can make better versions but they're all I could find."

Yang: "Sweet!"

Ruby: "Well, thanks Jaune!"

Blake: "... How are you this calm?"

Jaune: "Again, used to it."

Weiss: "You're used to zombie uprisings at your hometown?!"

Jaune: "Papa Merlin and his benders, phew." Another shotgun blast to another Zombie

Port: "Capital thinking, Mister Arc! You're getting an A plus!"

Jaune: "Awesome! What in?"

Port: "We'll think of something!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

RWBY and JNPR continue to enjoy their summer vacation in Radian... Mostly.

Blake: "So there is a local museum? Good. It's nice to know there's somewhere cultured here."

Jaune: "There's literally monuments, statues, a library, a small cathedral-"

Blake: "Actual culture! Not just the oppressive elites' attempts to define history! This museum is a voice for the oppressed and underrepresented!"

Jaune: "Oh Lord... You don't mean-?"

Smash cut to an old, weird shack in the woods in Radian.

Blake: "Merlin's Museum of the Unexplained!"

Weiss: "You held that in just for the dramatic reveal, didn't you?"

Blake: "Naturally!"

Ruby: "I wanted to do it!" pouts

Blake: "Next time! Now, let's see what underrepresented part of history this museum shows!"

An old man appears in a burst of smoke with a wizard's hat and an eyepatch.

Merlin: "Welcome to the Mystery Shack! Learn the untold truth of all existence-Oh, hey Jaune!"

Jaune: sighs "Hey Grunkel Merlin."

Merlin: "How nice of you to bring your wealthy sucker-friends! Friends here! Who wants to see the mysteries of Remnant? All contained within this shack?"

Blake: "DO I!"

Weiss: "Seriously?"

Within the shack...

Merlin: "BEHOLD! The eight legged horse Sleipner! I killed it in my guise as Masked Britain Bishōnen with Little Saber-Lily! Wasn't she precious?"

Jaune: "That's literally you and Nana when you played dress up."

Merlin: "We still killed Sleipner! Who was, uh... Oppressing Faunus!"

Weiss: "That's a regular stuffed horse with extra legs sewn on-"

Blake: "Tell me more!"

Weiss: sighs "Really?"

Pyrrha: low voice "Jaune? I think your great-uncle might be a conman."

Jaune: deadpan "Really? What was your first clue?"

Nora: "I don't know what you're talking about, this is so informative!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Yang: "So... Your grunkle is a total and complete fraud and just makes money off gullible tourists?"

Jaune: "Yes. He used to use real magic but that was just terrifying and weird."

Ruby: "Wait, real magic?"

Flashback... Sweet, innocent ten year old Jaune with a balloon is at the Shack. He pets little Fou, the cutest little creature ever.

Merlin: "Hey kid! Wanna see Fou achieve his true form?"

Jaune: "Okay!"

Little Fou... Grows into something monstrous. Jaune lets go of his balloon and cries in fear.

Jaune: "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Fou: "You stupid jerk, he's scared of me!"

Merlin: "No! No, all little boys love... Whatever you turn into!"

Fou: "You forgot again, huh?"

Merlin: "NO! I didn't forget anything! I'm Merlin!"

In the present.

Jaune: "So now he just scams tourists with lame versions of the real thing."

Weiss: "HA! Like I'd believe that!"

Yang: "Yeah, it's a little far fetched, VB."

Blake: "What?! This is a real unicorn?! This is just a horse with a horn attached! You're a fraud!'

Merlin: "I am not!"

Nana Arturia walks up, scowling angrily.

Arturia: "Merlin? What have I told you about scamming Jaune's friends?"

Merlin: "Nothing. He only had the two before. And they were poor."

Arturia: "..." Pulls out her sword

Merlin: "NOT THE FACE!"

Arturia visits some severe punishment to Merlin. The unicorn breathes a sigh of relief.

Unicorn: "Boy, that was a close one."

Blake: "... Did you just talk?"

Unicorn: "No! Oh, shoot!"

Nora: "I'm convinced!"

Jaune: sigh "Oh boy..."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Coco: "Hey Jauney Boy! I got your town's CCTube channel! And look what I found~!"

Jaune: "Oh Breaker, please no-!"

A short plays, entitled "Healthcare with Doctor Isabel". Isabel sits at a table with a sigh. She gestures to the many random objects, including an Atlasian Laser Rifle.

Isabel: "As a public service announcement, please: Do not stick any of these items in any of your orifices. No, I'm not going to tell you which ones went where. I'm just going to let your imagination do the work."

Coco: "God she's so hot. I can think of a few places I'd like her to stick-"

Jaune: "DAMNIT COCO STOP LUSTING AFTER MY MOM!"

Coco: "NEVER!"

Ruby: "Ooh, what's this one?"

Another video plays, entitled 'Shirou's Cooking Hour.' Shirou Arc smiles at the camera.

Shirou: "Hello all. Today we'll be making a Royale with Cheese, which is my wife's second favorite burger."

Yang: "... Oh wow he's hot. That's your grandpa?!"

Jaune: "GREAT Grandpa, and please stop lusting after him?!"

Yang: "Would you prefer I lust after you instead, Loverboy~?"

Jaune: gulp

Pyrrha: "No! Stop lusting after him!"

Yang: "What? You can't be the only one who does, Cereal Girl!"

Pyrrha: bright red "I-I-You-LOOK! ANOTHER VIDEO!"

Jaune: "Wait what-?"

This video is entitled "Mercer Sith Junior's Thoughts." A farmboy looking Cat Faunus is working on his car engine. He stands up and looks into the distance.

Mercer Sith: "If you hold a bullet in your mouth and set it off with Aura... Is that free speech or political violence? Makes you think."

Blake: "... Huh. I'm not sure if that's profound or stupid."

Jaune: "It's Mercer. It's definitely stupid."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Ruby: "What's this show? 'Toeing the Line with Tangy Arc'?"

Jaune: "Oh boy... This might be a bit much for you, Ruby-"

Ruby: "Too late, I'm hitting play!"

Tangy smiles and nods to the camera.

Tangy: "There are no laws for the safe treatment of Grimm. They are Grimm. Which means all sorts of things can be used against them that you can't legally use against humans or Faunus!"

Yang: "Oh boy."

Tangy: "Sadly, nerve gas doesn't work on them. Or other chemical weapons delivered in gaseous form."

Weiss: "She-She's not serious about that, right?"

Jaune: "She tried."

Tangy: "However, in this episode, we'll talk about one kind of weapon that is banned for use against humans and Faunus, but is great against Grimm: Microwave emitter weapons! They work great!"

Ruby: "Really?!"

Nora: "Ooh! That's great to find out!"

Tangy: "The water content in most Grimm is high enough you can use it against them. As my subordinate Weiss will demonstrate!"

Ruby: "No relation, eh Weiss? Eh? Ehhhh?"

Weiss: "Weiss is my first name. not my family name."

Tangy's subordinate, Weiss, stands in a field with several Grimm held in cages.
Tangy: "Really Weiss?"

Weiss: "Ready Colonel!"

Tangy: "Go for it!"

Weiss: Holds up the microwave emitter and fires it at Grimm... Who all begin to burn and melt from the inside out, screaming in agony

Tangy: "See? Very effective and no moral quandary whatsoever!"

Weiss Schnee: "That was disturbing."

Pyrrha: "Severely."

Ruby: Actually considering the effectiveness of the emitter. "Huh, it's surprisingly a lot cleaner than I thought it would be."

Jaune: "... Yeah. That's the best takeaway."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Tangy: "Now officially, you are not supposed to kill or mistreat prisoners until they have been tried for their crimes. In Vale, Atlas, and others. However, in the middle of Mistral, the rules on the treatment of prisoners are rather lax when it comes to bandits. Like these bandits!"

Captive members of the Branwen Tribe appear on screen.

Weiss: "Oh no she's not going to..."

Tangy: "Let's see how Plasma Cutters work on their limbs!"

Random Bandit: Turns to Weiss. "Please, we'll tell you where Raven is, just keep her away from us!"

Weiss: "Sorry, she's my commanding officer."

The sound of a plasma cutter turning on is heard nearby as the camera pans away to I=Visha who goes over the specific laws which allow them to do this.

Visha: "And under the Haven Treaty of 1955, bandits are covered under Hostis humani generis, meaning enemies of all mankind! Also faunus but that was added in later!" She eats some cookies. " Mmm...! Chocolate chip!"

Blake: "Should we really sit around watching war crimes being committed in dubious territory under dubious circumstances?"

Jaune: "They're technically not war crimes since it's not an actual war. Also they were already committed. This was recorded."

Ruby: "Yeah, they're all dead."

Ren: "Good riddance."

Nora: "Yeah! Fuck bandits in their stupid bandit faces!"

Pyrrha: "H-How about we change the channel?"

Jaune: Switches the channel to the next show which is "Tea Time with Queen Artoria Pendragon."

Weiss: "Oh thank the Breaker! Something normal and wholesome!"

Blake: "You do realize the Saber Queen has a body count in the tens of thousands, right?"

Weiss: "Yes but she's moved past that! She's a sweet old lady now!"

Artoria: "Greeting viewers. My great-grandchildren are helping me with showing tea time! Proper Albion tea time is a ritual that calms the nerves, lets you center yourself and helps establish calm in the chaos of life."

Weiss: "Oh yes! YES! Wonderful!"

Blake: "Hmph. Menagerian tea ceremonies are better."

Ren: "You took them from Mistral."

Blake: "W-We had the idea first and they stole it!"

Yang: "Careful Blake, don't wanna boil over, do you?"

Blake: "Ugh..."

Artoria finishes up the tea and smiles at the camera.

Artoria: "Now we let it seep. Until it's done, I will show off my family photo album." Brings out a photo album. "Here's a picture of my Great-Grandson Jaune at a cultural festival in Mistral with a young girl who he thought was really pretty."

Jaune/Ren: "YOU WERE A GUY?!"

All of the girls develop blushes and nosebleeds.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Merlin: "Come to Merlin's Mystery Museum! Filled with the strange, the bizarre, the unholy! There's snacks, there's videos for the kids, there's photo ops! And me, Merlin the Mystery Wizard of Mystery!"

Jaune: "Grunkle Merlin, do I have to wear this outfit?"

Merlin: "AND THE AMAZING TALKING GOLDEN RETRIEVER BOY! He's not a Faunus! So him talking is a miracle!"

Jaune: "We're gonna get sued again."

Merlin: "And his adorable twin sister!"

Orchid: "Bow wow. Bow. Bow wow."

Merlin: "They're so cute together!" Jaune scowls. Merlin elbows him.

Jaune: sighs "Bow wow. Wow. Bow wow."

Merlin: "Throw money at them and they dance!"

Jaune: "Wait what-?!"

Jaune: "Um, Blake, I know how it looks but I wasn't culturally appropriating anything!"

Blake: "..."

Jaune: "Um, Blake?"

Blake: blush 'He's so cute in dog ears...'

Ruby, Weiss, Yang, Pyrrha, even Coco: 'So cute...'

(Again, feel free to write your own takes!)

 

[CountvonBarnOwl]

A Whiter Rose snippet based on the musings of days recently passed:

Reactions

"My apologies for my late arrival." James Ironwood said as he exited the elevator that led into Ozpin's office. "The Grimm attacks have only been growing in number and ferocity since the fleet arrived."

Grimm had been sieging Vale's walls nonstop for the past few days. And with the arrival of Ironwood's fleet - a showy measure of insurance for the Vytal Festival, most certainly not a lot of warm bodies to cover up a covert war with an enemy older than history or a sledgehammer to be wielded against her proxies, nothing like that - and it had run the commanding general of the Atlesian Army ragged.

Ozpin took another sip of his drink, his eyes narrowed imperceptibly. "They have, James. Now, you have been in my confidence for longer than most, in living memory at least, so I say this as a friend. Is it not possible that the two phenomena are correlated?"

Ironwood snorted, "we've been over this half a hundred times, my forces aren't going to start a panic. People won't worry about all of the armed men and machine circling the city. I imagine quite the contrary. Who wouldn't prefer having twelve brigades between them and the Grimm?"

"I don't mean that this time, James. I mean something a bit more tangible than mere apprehension. Come here." James obliged, making his way through the clockwork ensconced in emerald-glass. "Pull up one of those other chairs too. You're going to need it." Ozpin appended. James rounded on his heel and lifted the metalwork with the ease that only machine limbs and Aura combined could provide, before depositing it next to Ozpin's own chair.

"Now watch this." Ozpin said, pulling a CCTnet video up on his desktop.

"Oz, are you sure that you have the right video?" James asked.

"Positive, why?" Ozpin replied.

"It's an SDC ad." James explained.

"Quite. Their new head of marketing has something of a personality to him." Ozpin replied.

Jacques' new PR man had a personality all right. The old one had been fired once the magnate twigged to the fact that all of those attempts to boost his image by associating his face with the SDC's premium lines were taken as narcissism and egomania by the broader public. It was definitely a point in his favor that the new guy did not start off with green-screen glamour shots of the CEO.

However it was ten points against him that he started off with fifteen seconds of a cacophony increasingly deep-fried looping reaction gifs. Only for the whole screen to be tossed aside with comical exaggeration by a pair of wiry arms, attached to a white-haired boy in an immaculate suit, who now dominated the screen.

------

"Hi, I'm Whitley Schnee, head of marketing and accounting at the Schnee Dust Company. Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Aren't you a little young to be juggling two departments at the world's biggest Dust conglomerate?' Yes, Yes I am. And it's infuriating." He hunched in and curled his fingers as the lighting shifted around him such that he looked like he was now telling a story at a campfire. "And you know what else is infuriating?!?! This FUCKING INVENTORY! I'm so mad that we haven't cleared this stock, I'm going to have an aneurysm. Drrurururururrrrr-"

------

Outside of the video, Ironwood had to ask, "Was the zoom-in x-ray fart sound effect really necessary?" Ozpin's only response was to take another gulp of his drink.

------

"In fact, I'm so angry, I'm going to make this cute, big titty goth girl watch cursed gun images." The camera panned over to none other than Ruby Rose, waving with both hands, and with her legs conspicuously chained up.

"What he did to get Miss Rose to go along with this I'll never know." Ozpin muttered, believing contrarywise that the answer had involved several dozen pounds of cookies.

Whitley plopped down next to Ruby, who - not at all playing the damsel in distress well - slid closer to him on the couch until they were butt-to-butt. Then her hands came onto his shoulders. "And remember, this is a blind reaction. I have no idea what horrors this fiend has in store for me."

"She calls him a fiend but I see what she's doing with his arm while he's trying to move the mouse." Ironwood muttered.


Whitley clicked on a link and it brought up the first cursed gun of the night

Spoiler: Cursed Gun #1

"Starting off slow, eh." Ruby muttered. "It's not that cursed. The gold plated lever action makes him look like a forest warlord from the backwoods of Anima. And speaking of Anima, you wanna bet that the whole continent would flood if he drops that buttstock in Lake Matsu?"

"More spirit than I expected. Hmm, very well. I retaliate with cursed gun level 2." Whitley retorted, before clicking on the next link.

Spoiler: Cursed Gun #2

"Probably some bandit's beat-to-shit-old claw revolv- oOh, why is the hammer so big? Can that even engage the firing pin? First off, ditch that brass knuckle handle that you have no way of using, and then file down that hammer, then smelt the shavings with the knucks to forge yourself a proper grip so you can abosorb the recoil when SOMETHING COMES OUT OF THE MUZZLE BECUASE YOU PULLED THE FUCKING TRIGGER."

"Hmm," Whitley observed, "still more mad than broken. I will have to resort to the superiority of Atlesian science and craftsmanship to break you."

Spoiler: Sekai Ichi Cursed Gun #3

------

Ironwood felt the initial wave of embarrassment when none other than his own Due Process came up on the screen.

------

"You know," the boy started up, with an impish grin that Ironwood could somehow feel mocking him through the screen. I heard that gun started off as a Mare Constrictor."

"Very interesting: Ruby replied, her voice dissonant and still, like the waters of a lake known to house treacherous Grimm. "Then maybe you could explain to me why it looks like a FUCKING Pw-12 with a fucking Floch slide on the top!" Whitley errupted from the confines that were the arms of the girl sitting next to him. "Mwahahaha, you have no idea about the heights of bubba-ry to which Atlas has ascended."

"Bubba is the word for it. It looks like he heard about a dual-trigger safety in passing and tried to build one from scratch with no frame of reference." Ruby continued.

------

James unholstered his gun and examined it.

------

"And the fucking hammer again. I assume there's a downward-canted firing pin housed in the frame because it fires from the bottom chamber but it doesn't! I mean it may as well fire from the bottom chamber with the height-over-bore from that fucking semi-auto slide. I can't even tell if that slide is just a part of the frame or not. I mean, what's the point. How would that even work? Some of the gasses generated by the powder going off going up a concealed gas port near the muzzle and pushing back on the slide? Is that how this gun cycles? Tell me that's not how this gun cycles Whitley!"

"Well, it's funny you should mention that..." Whitley replied. "Seeing that the hammer is too high up on the gun to do much other good..."

Ruby blinked once. She blinked twice. "Don't tell me. The gas impulse is what pushes the hammer back." Whitley nodded solemnly, "and then it returns home, allowing the cylinder to rotate. And it was built to cycle that way. Look just below the rear sight."

"Are those... slide... serrations?" Ruby's eyeliner was running down her cheeks. "He built it that way... on purpose. This thing just keeps getting worse and worse every time I look at it"

"I actually feel a little bad now. Tell you what. One more for the sake of the video and then we'll be done." Whitley said. Ruby's arms wrapped around him in less than an instant and pulled him into a crushing hug. After muttering something that the recording equipment did not quite pick up, but sounded suspiciously like "goth girl tidd," Whitley clicked on the next image.

------

And James Ironwood was amazed that the shrill scream of alloyed terror, hatred, fear, and disgust that came out of the girl's mouth didn't shatter every pane of glass in the tower. "How is all of the glass in this tower still intact?"

"Magic." Ozpin replied before enigmatically sipping his drink again. "Literally," he followed up in a less enigmatic fashion, "I had to repair everything in the tower and then reinforce it after I played the video for the first time. Also, you may want to invest in a glassblowing, or repair, or construction firm in the near future." James penciled that little detail away for later.

------

Spoiler: Cursed Gun #4: The Abomination

"Every time I see it, I feel the urge to gouge out my eyes with a melon-baller." Whitley muttered shaking his head. "I remember these fucking things. My father bought them to be standard issue among SDC security forces."

Ruby had not taken the sight nearly as well. "Why? Why? Why? Whyhyhy? Why does the bolt carrier need to be so biiiig?"

------

"Miss Rose is exceedingly passionate about firearms." Ozpin explained.

------

"And the selector switch. Why does it need to be so far forward. It's supposed to be near the thumb." Ruby sucked in some more air. But you'd need an index finger the size of a Beringal's to reach that teeny-tiny little nub that reminds me of whoever designed it."

"Are we not going to address that thing's barrel length?" Whitley asked.

"No! Having a five fucking inch barrel makes sense when you're firing pistol rounds. What doesn't make sense is the muzzle break big enough to double the barrel length to compensate for the recoil when you empty that single-stack-thin magazine in one burst. Where does anyone even find this crap?"

"I believe that father accepted an offer from an esteemed personage reputed throughout the community in the dignified circles of Atlas." Whitley replied.

------

"Fancy way of saying 'he'd sue me if I said his name.'" Ironwood muttered.

------

"Ah yes, how could I have forgotten," Ruby muttered. "Everybody has heard of Bubba, scion of the eight hundred year old House of von Bubbastein."

"And that rail. It looks like it was converted from a KA-74's gas tube that got put on backwards before they stuck a cheap-o red dot on it." Ruby dipped back into her hands to sob quietly for a few seconds. "And what's with the giant Putterware trunnion and the bulky stock that was probably made by the guy from image one. Truly, you must need a lot of mass to handle all of the recoil from the your blowback-operated carbine. Can, can that gun even cycle. Does that what? 9x18 Markhov? produce enough recoil to push back that bolt carrier the size of a house? Markhov's a good round. In a compact or a subcompact against human or faunus enemies without Aura, at close range. Because that's what it was made for. Why is it in a twelve pound carbine?

"ItsnotaMarkhov." Whitley mumbled.

"What."

"Thatgun'snotchamberedinMarkhov." Whitley mumbled again.

"Well, it looks too small to be chambered in 9 mil Lunge, what else could it possibly be chambered in?"

"Nine-seventeen short." Whitley confessed, giving Ruby pause.

"Whitley. Commit patricide immediately. Everything the White Fang says about your father is correct. Kill him and spend all of the money that would have gone to his funeral on giving your company something chambered in a real caliber. Just leave his body in a dump, it's where he belongs. Him and all of his shit guns."

------

The image froze and went grey in the instant after. Another Whitley walked onto the screen, superimposed in a manner similar to how the video had began. "Only you can prevent cute goths from being exposed to cursed guns. So come to the SDC tent at the 40th Vytal Festival. Participate in our blowout sale. Get up to fifty percent off on our premium stocks. Emerald-grade Plant Dust? 3,000 Lien a crystal. Sapphire-grade Water Dust? 4,000 Lien for a twelve ounce vial. And we have Ruby-grade Fire Dust, down to just 3,200 Lien a crystal, or just 2,500 Lien for a ten ounce vial for all those DIYers who want to mix their own Combustion Dust. Orders exceeding 25,000 Lien will also receive a-"

Another Ruby sprang onto the screen happier, more scantily clad, and holding some sort of machinist's kit. "This amazing combined Dust centrifuge, capable of making even triple-base Dust mixtures at home, and a reloader's tool and die kit, guaranteed to pay for itself within two hundred rounds, absolutely free."

------

James stared at the screen. "I legitimately forgot this was a commercial for a clearance sale."

"It's the SDC's most viewed and most liked video on the CCTnet." Ozpin replied. "And Miss Rose has single handedly done away with all of the negative stereotypes about Atlas. By replacing them all with the notion that your institutes are all run by bubbas. Incidentally, that is why people are upset about being protected by the Atlesian army. In the minds of almost everybody, you can have an unloaded gun and still present a terminal danger to yourself and others. And not even the gun itself will be safe."

Fin

Count's note - Not the happiest that I've been with a snippet. Didn't shit on the Abomination as comprehensively as I wish that I had (there are still design problems that Count hasn't touched). Characters feel too inanimate, just as a vehicle to bang out as many jokes on the cursed guns of RWBY and less like characters in a story. I know that is inevitable to a degree in a one-night writing barrage, sub 2.5k words.

Pleasantly surprised to find that very few cursed guns exist in the world of Remnant (which does make sense, they should (mostly) have guns figured out on a death world. All images are official except for this fanart of Due Process I found on Reddit (by mojojoj) - which like most fanarts adds slide serrations that I don't think were actually on the gun on the show and I thought the bit was too funny to pass up.

I hope you enjoyed and that I managed to stay within the SFW for the thread.

 

[SharkCultist]

Velvets family comes to beacon. It ended up going weird.

*Cardin is surrounded by a small horde of bunny and hare faunus. Most are femboys. The oldest is a fucking huge. All are muscular*

Big bun: so. This is the boy?

Velvet: y-yes?

Big Bun: you let him pull your ears? In front of everyone, and didn't fight back?

Velvet: yes....

Big bun: very well. The courtship is being considered, he must first pass the trial!

Cardin: courtship? Trial?

Big bun: we are prey species faunus. For you to be accepted you must know what it is to be prey.

Cardin: I don't like where this is going.

Big bun: therefore you will have a week where you must dodge our endless hunting. If we catch you-

Cardin: I die?

Big bun: you would wish for death.

Cardin: right, one question first. Hey what's that?!

*Points at the distance behind them then runs away. None of the rabbits looked.*

 

[AndrewJTalon]

The diplomatic dinner was a glittering facade, held in a grand Mistralian hall adorned with woven tapestries and glowing Dust lanterns, the air heavy with the scent of exotic spices and sea salt. Outside, the tropical night hummed, stars piercing the velvet sky. Diplomats and elites from across Remnant mingled, drank, connected and schemed.

On a secluded balcony overlooking the ocean, General James Ironwood and Sienna Khan stood more or less side by side, their wine glasses catching the moonlight. Ironwood's crisp Atlasian uniform gleamed, his prosthetic hand steady on the railing, while Sienna's flowing robes, edged with tiger stripes, rustled in the breeze, her golden eyes sharp but weary.

"It's been a while, Sienna," Ironwood said, his voice low, measured, the weight of years in his tone.

Sienna sipped her wine, her tiger ears twitching slightly. "It has, James. A very long while."

Silence fell, thick with history, the distant murmur of the dinner fading behind them.

"How is the Colonel's family?" Sienna asked, her tone mostly neutral save for the slight hitch at the end. This was never an easy topic, their former commanding officer.

Ironwood sipped his wine, his artificial arm tensing up noticeably before he answered.

"His wife is doing well, still running her flower shop. Their son is running a construction company, and their daughter is helping with the shop."

Sienna nodded slowly, her gaze not leaving the starry horizon.

"That's good. I sent flowers on the anniversary."

"I know, I had to deliver them."

"I can't very well deliver them myself," Sienna said, a bit wryly. Ironwood looked like he was about to say something cold, but he forced himself to hold back.

"No. I suppose you can't," Ironwood said softly.

They returned to staring out into the blackness of the ocean, the waves crashing against the rocky shore and the chatter of the party the only sounds around. Sienna, again, broke the silence.

"This wine," Sienna said quietly, "is terrible."

"It all tastes the same to me," James murmured. "I just drink it out of obligation."

"You never did care much for decorum like that in the old days," Sienna observed, glancing his way. James shrugged.

"The price you pay for ascending in rank," he said, "The lubricant of politics is liquor, money, and flattery."

Sienna smiled almost viciously.

"You were always philosophical. That hasn't changed."

Ironwood fixed his gaze on her for a moment, and shrugged.

"It helps with the burdens of command," he said.

"I suppose so," Sienna acknowledged quietly. Again, silence fell between the two.

Ironwood's jaw tightened, his blue eyes fixed on the horizon and the stars shining in the sky.

"You need to stop your attacks."

Sienna's gaze flicked to him, her voice cool but defensive. "What attacks—?"

"Sienna…" Ironwood's scowl cut through her words, his tone heavy with warning. "Don't."

She held his stare, then sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly. "…It's just for the purposes of gaining leverage."

Ironwood's grip on his glass tightened, his voice rising. "And you think you can put the genie back in the bottle? You think you can keep it under control?"

"We don't have a choice," Sienna snapped. "It's the only way to change things for the better!"

"I'm trying to change the system from inside !" Ironwood countered, his voice sharp, his human hand gesturing forcefully.

"And that won't work!" Sienna shot back, her eyes blazing. "You have to make too many compromises!"

"You'd prefer to burn everything to the ground, no matter how many people you end up killing?! Is that what the Major would want?!" Ironwood's voice rose, his prosthetic hand clenching the railing, metal creaking faintly.

"The Major died because of the system! You…!" She stared at his artificial arm, a hint of grief and guilt appearing in her eyes before she shook her head and continued.

"There's no other way to compel change!" Sienna hissed, her claws flexing around her glass.

They glared at each other, the air crackling with tension, their shared past a ghost between them. Slowly, they both un-tensed, Ironwood's shoulders easing, Sienna's ears stilling. They sipped their wine in unison, the bitterness mirroring the silence that fell, heavy and oppressive.

Sienna's voice was softer, almost wistful. "…You could have come with me."

Ironwood's eyes darkened, his tone flat but pained. "No. I couldn't. You made that clear. There are no humans in the White Fang."

Sienna's gaze dropped to her glass, her voice barely above a whisper. "…I would have made an exception for you."

"You can't have it both ways, Sienna," Ironwood said, his voice steady but laced with regret.

"And if I had come with you?" Sienna asked, her eyes flicking back to him, searching.

Ironwood's jaw tightened, his voice softer. His hand twitched, as though longing to reach out and touch her… But the gap was too great. "You wouldn't be a terrorist. We would have been forging real change—together."

Sienna's laugh was bitter, her ears flattening. "You're right. I am a terrorist. But we're making things change. Real change."

"Through fear, and hatred, and resentment," Ironwood said, his tone heavy, his eyes unyielding.

"Everything has a price," Sienna replied, her voice resolute but tinged with exhaustion.

"And how long before that price gets too high?" Ironwood pressed, his gaze piercing.

Sienna's eyes flickered, her voice a murmur. "…I don't know."

They fell silent again, sipping their wine, the bitterness lingering on their tongues. The ocean's
distant crash filled the void.

Ironwood's voice was low, almost a growl. "If we keep this up, Sienna… one day, I'll have to kill you. Or you'll have to kill me."

Sienna's breath hitched, her eyes meeting his. "…It doesn't have to come to that."

"You know better," Ironwood said, his voice heavy with inevitability.

Sienna sighed deeply, her gaze drifting to the stars. "…There was a time I would have given up everything for you. Was there a time like that for you?"

Ironwood's expression tightened, his prosthetic hand flexing. "…I can't answer that. And it's not fair to ask me that."

"No…" Sienna murmured, her voice soft, broken. "No, it isn't."

Silence fell once more, the weight of their choices a tangible force. From the hall, their subordinates watched—Winter Schnee, her posture rigid in her Atlasian uniform, and Adam Taurus, his horns glinting, his red eyes narrowed, not yet lost to his darker Path.

"What is your general trying to do to my leader?" Adam growled.

"I believe I could ask the same thing," Winter said, her blue eyes studying the scene intently. "They were on the same Atlas team together before she…"

Her eyes eyes widened in shocked realization. She couldn't help a slight smile. Adam scowled intently.

"What?"

Winter's voice was low, her ice-blue eyes sharp. "I see… They used to be together ."

Adam's jaw clenched, his voice a growl. "What? No! Sienna would never sully herself with—"

"A human?" Winter cut in, her smirk sharp as she sipped her wine.

Adam's glare sharpened. "…An Atlasian military commander."

Winter's smirk widened, her tone dry. "I suppose men are all the same, whether human or Faunus."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Adam demanded, his hand twitching toward his sword.

Winter's eyes glinted, her voice cool. "They cannot see what's right in front of them when a woman is in love."

Adam's scowl deepened, his voice a huff. "Hmph…"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Been rewatching Ghost in the Shell: SAC. It's still amazing, one of the best animes ever made. But it did make me think about the possibilities of the scifi/fantasy police procedural in the world of Remnant. Now, naturally there are two problems:

1: RWBY wasn't written like that, it was more of a shonen battle school kind of anime which rarely has speculative fiction elements that explore the world itself.

2: CRWBY wasn't intelligent enough to write anything like that. Hell, I think an episode of GiTS:SAC would leave no impact on them-It would be like a dog barking at flashing lights. Or their heads would explode.

So here's three ideas for mysteries/speculative fiction ideas to explore in Remnant, that could be interesting. Concepts that might be possible in-universe. And could be part of plots for RWBY, JNPR, or others to solve. Heck, a good old fashioned noir PI story with Qrow could work too.

1: A person with an unregistered Semblance is able to transfer their age into others, to allow themselves to stay young-But the cost gets higher and higher as they get older. The Vale City police find a number of people who died of old age, despite being in their 20s and 30s according to their records. So the Vale PD (Perhaps their Specialist division for cases like this) is assigned to find who's committing these murders.

2: Healing Dust transfers Aura from one person to another to a limited extent, which helps with healing and improves people's lives. Black market and street level versions of Healing Dust is also manufactured, which is not up to the same standards but is something the poor and desperate would need. You could also use Healing Dust to target Aura at the brain's pleasure centers, causing euphoria-Essentially a drug. Poor quality Healing Dust can also transfer aspects of the soul to others-Memories in particular. Dust Junkies might get the memories of the user. Which has all sorts of possibilities for stories.

3: There is a terrorist group called the Aurae: They feel that those with powerful Auras have been blessed by the gods and are destined to rule over the rest of Remnant's population. That they are superior and deserve to be the rulers of mankind and faunus alike. They recruit powerful Aura users, often Hunters who were blacklisted, ex-Atlas Aura unlocked soldiers, criminals, bandits, etc. They are very survival of the fittest oriented, and tend to launch terrorist attacks to demonstrate the weakness of non-Aura empowered individuals. The Vytal Tournament has several potential targets over the course of the festival, so security would be tight. They might also be used by Cinder for her plans.

What do you think?

 

[SharkCultist]

...I have a evilly funny idea.

Whitley is pissed about Weiss running off to beacon and leaving him alone with the drunk and the dickhead.

So he decided to ruin it for her? Using capitalism.

Whitley buys his way into Atlas academy (for just the vytal festival), buys his way into a competing team and....

Whitley: ah, you must be my opponent a miss Take correct?.

Kate: my first name is Kate, and I'm gonna win this!

Whitley: cute, now how about you surrender and we can get on with our day?

Kate: why would I do that?

Whitley: I'm so glad you asked! I just purchased this lovely house in downtown Mistral. 322102 macha drive.

Kate: hey that's my house!

Whitney: was your house, but I would be happy to give it to you as a consolation prize for your loss, otherwise I'll be doing some redecorating soon. With firebombs.

Kate:...I give up.

Whitley: yes. You do. *Tosses her a scroll* the house is paid for the next decade and I already added a indoor pool and renovated the kitchen, enjoy that. Oh and your parents say hi.

*Whitley walks off fully prepared to make a mockery of sportsmanship for this entire trip*

 

[CountvonBarnOwl]

Ruby Reacts to Cursed Guns part 2

"AND WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION!" Jaune angrily shouted back at Team BRNZ.

"No Jaune, we're all in the middle of a battle. All of us." Pyrrha reminded him.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" As the television feed played inside of the SDC clearance sale tent, Ruby Rose laughed uproariously at her friend's plight, falling off of her chair and nearly spilling her ice cream.

"And that's the same Jaune Arc that struck out with Weiss seventeen times? Right?" Whitley Schnee asked from behind the cash register.

"Yeah. I mean... He's a good guy. I mean I wouldn't object if he started up a relationship with my big sister but... Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, he needs to work on his situational awareness." Ruby shrugged and shoveled another spoonful of cookie dough ice cream down her mouth. After making the strategic decision to bow out after the 4v4s, she had gone off to help Weiss' super cute brother/her new fellow gun enthusiast run the SDC tent. Well, he was still doing the selling. Ruby was off near the back of the tent being the clearance Sale's mascot. And Crescent rose had taken up a post next to his mother's chair, strategically propped so Ruby could bring his muzzle to bear, and she could introduce any would-be shoplifters or White Fang soldiers - although it looked as if they had chosen to be quiet for the festival, it seemed - to the latest iteration of the .50RSR, or 12.7x103 if you were from Atlas, which, incidentally the boy who helped her design the latest iteration of the cartridge, the one that had been on full display at the Vytal Festival, was.

Whitley had been thrilled to have her around while he worked. His longshot ad campaign had earned him a few harsh words from his father, and more (in a raised tone) for not reprimanding Ruby for all of the jokes at his expense. Followed by a short, even-toned summation of the positive effect that his viral video had had on both customer engagement and sale volume in the run-up to the festival. It was as close to a "well done" as Whitley had ever gotten from any of his close relations. So he quietly marked it off as a win and ended the call, privately noting.

In his mind, Ruby Rose hazardously altruistic, frighteningly naive, and concerningly innocent. But he couldn't bring himself begrudge in her any of those traits. Not when there was so much for them to talk about. Mostly involving guns and Dust, but they had been sharing other interests too, lately. Which was why it took very little convincing to get Ruby to agree to put on a swimsuit and appear at the tent. They couldn't have an event without a mascot, after all.

Of course the minute he showed her the garment, Ruby's face broke into a lascivious smile. She made a point of putting it on in front of him It looked amazing. It was a black one-piece, not unlike the swimsuits the Academies issued, but for the fact that it was shoulder-less, ending in two layers of red pleated ruffles, that strings held to a matching pair of puffy, pillowy long sleeves.

Whitley's blunt approach to marketing saw the stock clear like never before. It was hardly after three, and he only had a few crystals and vials left to clear. Turns out, a goth girl in a swimsuit and big heavy boots, carrying a scythe draws in all sorts of customers. From children who want to buy Dust from the pretty Huntress lady to boys his age and men worryingly beyond whose (suspected) intentions made Whitley feel the never-before-felt urge to go for the 'insurance policy' that he kept behind the counter.

"We interrupt this program to bring you this special report." The screen had started up again, the familiar voice of Lisa Lavender filling the tent. "The Vytal Festival has been delayed. I'm standing here in the commentator's booth where the disturbance has taken place. With me is Professor Peter Port of Beacon, who witnessed the event. Peter."

"Well, how do I put this... Barty decided that a two-day old burrito and about a dozen or so of the really spicy chicken tenders would be a good lunch. Of course, he washed it down with coffee, and now I believe he has come to regret that decision."

"Indeed he has, Professor. We here at VNN recorded audio of someone we may believe could have been the person that Professor Port alleged. Viewer discretion is advised, play the clip Verde." Only for her voice to continue playing without her mouth moving. "Of course it's a gross violation of privacy, but when has that ever stopped any journalist worth the name. Now for the last time, Verde, march your ass into that bathroom and bring me back something juicy. And I swear if you fuck up the audio cut again it will mean your job. Ta-taa." The newscaster's voice became more and more sickly-sweet with every word, while, paradoxically, the same newscaster's face darkened, and her scowl deepened on screen with every word.

Verde, the presumed cameraman, nudged a men's room door open with the microphone boom. And once the seal was broken, it broadcast what it had picked up.

"OH HOT HOT HOTHOTHOTHOT OHOHOH HOTOTHOTHOTHOT Ahh, Ahh, oh no, oh nononoHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT AAAAH WHYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WHY MEEEHEHEEHEE??? Breaker, Brothers, Horned God, Flag, Anybody, I swear I'll stop sneaking artifacts out of your old temples to show off at my class or keep on display in my office, PLEHEHEEASSSSE make this pain go away. I MEAN IT THIS TIME. WAHAAAAAAA."

There was probably more, but that appeared to be the limit of Verde's tolerance for embarrassment or, more likely, his sense of smell if the... sloppy... that was the word that Whitley was going with, yes, very sloppy sounds that interspersed with the Beacon teacher's lamentations anything to go by.

Ruby, meanwhile, was laughing herself blue in the face. She was not the type to find very much humor in bodily functions, but what schoolgirl wouldn't laugh at her professor's expense.

The screen had cut back to Lisa Lavender, who was trying to straighten her now very ruined hair with her fingers, that all had conspicuously blood-caked knuckles. "Good afternoon Vale. I'm standing here with my camera now mounted on a tripod after my ex-cameraman Verde's ribs all mysteriously broke. It would appear that Doctor Oobleck will not be able to continue with his duties. However there has been a positive development. We'll ask Professor Port just what that development is now."

"I'm calling up a substitute." He replied.

And then Ruby's scroll went off.

"Hello." Ruby replied automatically.

"Miss Rose, come to the Announcer's booth immediately. You'll be taking over Barty's job effective immediately."

"What?!" Ruby shouted in the tent. "I can't color comment. My... My knees are too normal."

"You can if you want me to forget about that paper you turned in instead of your homework three weeks ago when I'm grading your final. You know, the one with all of the disparaging doodles. Especially since I don't think it's fair to call me 'Professor Poop' in light of today's events."

--------

"Okay, okay, I'll be right over. Sorry about the exhibit Whitley. Mwah." That had been the last thing everybody tuned into VNN to watch the Vytal Festival heard before Ruby remembered to hang up.

"Well it seems that the SDC Sweetheart of the Cute Goths and Cursed Guns Clearance Event will be making an unexpected re-entry into the Vytal Festival. We'll be back to your regularly scheduled programming when she arrives."

"I'm here, I'm here, I'm here." Ruby all but battered the door off its hinges with Crescent Rose. "I'd have gotten here faster, but, lady stilts." Ruby explained, clonking the long - though chunky - heels that formed the base of the knee-high patent leather goth girl shit kickers that she had gotten from a pair of friends, two of the vanishingly few she had outside of Beacon who heard that Ruby was crushing on a boy she was barely taller than. She switched into them when she went off to see Whitley at the SDC booth and ended up having to do a little meet-and-greet with more than a few of the small children who wanted the 'Funny Gun Lady's' autograph. Handing those out made her smile, and quietly thankful that they were all too young to understand a few of the things that she had said and done.

"So, Ruby Rose," Lisa Lavender started up, "what is your relationship with Whitley Schnee?"

"He's cute and he knows a lot about guns, he's great with Dust, he's my teammate's brother, and, fwah! No comment. No comment."

"You heard it here first Vale. Ruby Rose has the hots for Whitley Schnee." Lisa Lavender said into the camera as she took the sound of an unfolding sniper scythe behind her as a cue to leave.

Before Ruby could go charging after the reporter Professor Port put her in a hold. "Calm down Miss Rose. Your friends, Team SSSN will be going up next. Surely you'd prefer talking about their weapons to scalping TV personalities, right?"

"Scalping, what a lovely suggestion... I mean you're absolutely right, professor." Ruby said with a smile that was too wide to be anatomically correct.

"They'll be up against Team NDGO in a boys versus girls matchup in half rocky mesa, half pirate's cove terrain." Port continued.

"Right, I've only seen Sun's weapon before. Ruyi Bang and Jingu Bang are a pair of lever action shotgun-chucks. A chaotic weapon that guarantees a clear room once you've run through a drill. The flip-side is that you need insane control and precision to make it work. His can combine into a three-section staff for added reach, but that's pretty much all I know. So watching Team SSSN and Team NDGO bring all of their weapons to bear will be a learning experience for me too. And it looks like the weapons are coming out now. Sun's starting off with the staff I see. Scarlet next to him has drawn a cutlass and a flintlock. He's only got one shot before a cumbersome reload. The mental mathematics at play about where, and when, to fire to make the most of it should be interesting to watch, seeing that he has no choice but to make it a game-changer. Back to you Professor."

"An excellent summation Miss Rose. But it looks like Team NDGO has pulled Team SSSN into the rocky desert area. They've trained in Vacuo and know how best to use their Semblances accordingly. And before I even finish talking, Dew Gayl creates a trio of twisters with her spear and throws Sage Ayana out of bounds. An early elimination tilts the tables substantially in Team NDGO's favor. And it seems that a miscommunication has occurred between Sun Wukong and Neptune Vasilias. Octavia Ember moves to capitalize and... No, nothing of the sort. Neptune's gun creates room for a devastating counterattack. It's one to one for eliminations now. What do You think about that Miss Rose?" Port turned to Ruby, who was sitting in her chair, completely inert - and noticeably gobsmacked - at the sight before her. "Miss Rose? Miss Rose..."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?!?!" Ruby exploded to her feet, both hands out.

The burst of rage caught the whole stadium, and even brought the fight in the arena to a dead stop, with even the belligerents searching their positions, stances, and memories for what could have potentially set Ruby off.

But for those who Ruby was closest to, and those who had a decent modicum of firearm knowledge, the problem was obvious. And Ruby would like to imagine that the sight of the thing had been what had distracted Octavia.

Spoiler: The Cursed Gun of Team SSSN

"I'm going to be nice and not say anything about the barrel, because I assume the Dust and electromagnet array can compensate for that tiny, mini, itty-bitty shirmp barrel length you've got going on there. But I know that you or somebody that you've let borrow that weapon have used that thing as a carry-handle. Did- no Ruby, you just promised not to make any jokes about his accelerator array. So let's talk about how that thing feeds. The magazine is angled in the wrong fucking direction! At least I think so because I don't see where the chamber could be other than above the hinge. I hope for your sake that it is just an unfortunately shaped battery and that the gun you're holding works with pure directed energy and doesn't just linearize Dust. Because so help me if I find that there is some sort of small claw crane or autoloader like on an unmanned tank to extract solid-state ammunition and feed it into your chamber..."

Ruby inhaled, and then exhaled, and then inhaled, and then exhaled again.

"Alright Ruby, breathe, breathe. Just assume it is a directed energy weapon. There. Not so bad. The trigger is a fucking fingerprint scanner on your thumbhole stock which has NO GUARD and no geometry to let you know whether or not your fingers are where they need to be. It's just a smooth panel with an LED light that blends in with the grip. Up until today, I considered hair-triggers risky. WEISS!" Ruby abruptly turned the conversation on her teammate, picking up the microphone and pointing down where her team sat. "What is with your taste in men?! Do you really want a guy whose carbine goes off at the slightest touch? Just because we have Aura doesn't mean we can stop being serious about unintentional discharges. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it would be if you went in to wrap your arms around him and he popped? Just, right there. Let one loose. And he's got no barrel length to speak of so who knows where it's gonna go?"

--------

As Ruby ranted, a quarter of a world away, in a manse better fit to be called a palace, forty-three kilometers above the world, a man watched the Vytal Festival broadcast, and he schemed.

'Hmm, my heiress,' he mused for an instant on how tenuous that position was, 'has a taste in boys with blue hair in a peculiar style and no sense for firearms design.' Buying those, even he couldn't bear to call them weapons anymore. What had been a kind gesture to one of the movers and shakers of the highest strata of Atlesian politics, a kiss on the hand, had become the subject of the most successful ad campaign in the company's history. At the expense of his own image. He could buy and sell most of the Atlesian old money five or six times over, but Nicholas Schnee was an early Huntsman who saw how much money the MTC was raking in from Dust while doing escort missions for them, and decided that he wanted to be as wealthy as the people who were signing his paychecks. And with his passing, the Schnee name moved onto the second generation. Jacques - he had not been Jacques Gele in a long time - was even less, a Mantelian street rat who clawed his way up inch by bloody-fingered inch. So if he wanted connections, in his lifetime, the kind that would cement the Schnee name, he needed to play nice with the people already in. Dropping a contract on a small firm owned directly by a big name was as direct as an overture could be. But Jacques was no weapons expert. And it took the boy to say that the King of Vacuo had no clothes.

They had argued about it, of course, and the boy had even displayed a modicum of spine, trying to negotiate him up to signing off on a ten millimeter magnum battle rifle and a twelve gauge shot-pistol for every one of their security personnel. He eventually talked the boy down to an 8.6 - which could conceivably kill an Ursa, while being much less risky to fire in the mines, with an autopistol in Markhov once the boy impressed upon him the need for a supplement.

Of course there was still the matter of the keepers of the proverbial keys. An ancient family, an ancient, blue-haired family, an ancient, blue-haired, and predisposed to odd styles and bad guns family. He wondered if they had any sons Weiss' age.

He motioned to the mountain of cybernetics that stood silent among the armor displays. It was time to visit his progeny and discuss their futures. He might even let the boy keep his little flower.

--------

Ruby, of course, remained heedless to the machinations ongoing in Atlas, continued tearing into Neptune's weapon, "And that riser on that riser that you mounted your front sight on. You're not as bad as General Ironwood's pistol with the height over bore but what you've done is created a fixed sight set for indirect fire with what is possibly a pure directed energy weapon. So, we've got the magazine, possibly the feed, the whole gun itself when whatever you want to shoot is in your sights. Is everything with you just set at an angle? Again, Weiss, is this what it takes to impress you?"

After another minute or so of her protestations, Ruby calmed down, and the fight resumed, with the remains of Team SSSN pulling an easy victory because Team NDGO were still mostly laughing too hard to put up a fight.

Ruby would later be evicted from the commentator's booth lest her hot-blooded critiques of others' weapons delay the festival by a week.

--------
Epilogue - Later, the Fall of Vale
--------

This had not been the best week for Neptune Vasilias. First, Ruby Rose, of all people, had roasted him like a holiday ham in front of all of Remnant. Then everything went to pieces. It all started when Pyrrha Nikos killed Penny Polendina (who had actually been a robot) then somebody hacked the CCT network and ALL, that was to say ALL of Atlas' robots. And then the White Fang showed up again and let a bunch of Grimm into Vale and Beacon. And then he got Separated from his team and had to fight off a Paladin with some other students. But they were all older, so it worked out. Only for him to get separated again and then nearly crushed by a landing aircraft. And now he was agreeing to escort an old man in a white suit, and his black-cloaked bodyguard, to Ironwood's makeshift command post at the skydocks. The man had put his airship down elsewhere, in the interests of avoiding the crossfire, and was now demanding to be taken to his children.

"So who are we looking for, exactly?" Neptune asked. "Is it not obvious, my children, Weiss and Whitley Schnee." The man replied. "You're Weiss' dad?" Neptune asked. "Correct. And you're the boy who earned the ire of the best thing to happen to my marketing department since I took over the company."

'Damn it, Ruby!' Neptune thought to himself.

"And according to her, my daughter fancies you, doesn't she?" There was a trap in that sentence, Neptune knew it.

"Yes, sir." came Neptune's response, neutrally, and politely, to minimize his footprint.

"Goood." Jacques said, in a low tone that set off alarms in Neptune's head. 'WHERE DID I FUCK UP?!' He wondered.

"Fafnir, crush his balls."

'Wuh?" Neptune's legs were moving before even his subconscious could process what the man had said. And by the time it had they were putting up a pace with Ruby's Semblance. And by the time he heard the rumbling, static-y laughter, they were definitely outpacing her. Yet why did it sound like the laughter was getting louder...

'Obstacle cleared.' Jacques Schnee thought to himself before heading toward what he assumed to be Ironwood's makeshift command post. He had caught a glimpse of something on the fly-over, and though it had been years since he was last in Vale, he had enough of a mental map of the general area that he could reasonably find his way from Point A to Point B, or at least, from Point A to a place where he could easily find Point B. He drew his new gun from his coat pocket and started walking.

Fin

Lesson Learned. Maybe promising to deliver as early as Count did wasn't a good idea. Count promised the weekend but didn't want it hanging over him on Sunday. Only one cursed gun for Ruby to comment on this time but Count had to set the stage for her to take it on. That kind of ended up becoming the project in and of itself, and to my own chagrin I set out to fire off a few jokes and cleared the 3.4k word mark writing a story. Of course, because Count wanted this to still be comedy he had to start forcing laughs the cheap way.

Other events in the Cursed Guns-verse that Count might want to do? Writing them in my own time though. No more deadlines.

- Taiyang and Qrow's reaction to hearing Ruby kiss a boy on live TV

- Jacques meeting Ruby and it not going well for him considering that Fafnir is still chasing Neptune

- If and how Neptune escapes Fafnir

- If and how Lisa Lavender escapes Ruby now that Vale has collapsed and the rule of law doesn't really apply.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Fun random idea: How would Blake try to convince Katy of the gloriousness of Menagerie's cause?

Blake: "Menagerie is the homeland of all Faunus!

Katy: "Not mine."

Blake: "But why continue to serve humans?!"

Katy: "Um, my family doesn't. We're neighbors and friends. We own our farm."

Blake: "Only because humans gave it to you!"

Katy: "Uh, yeah. Because we were loyal retainers and knights."

Blake: "..."

Katy: "You do realize there were Faunus throughout history that lived out fairly stable lives, right? And were granted titles of nobility? When the Arcs were kings, we were Counts."

Blake: "Counts?"

Katy: "Like, we ruled Radian County on behalf of the Arcs when they were royalty."

Blake: "But why do you only own a farm now?!"

Katy: "Well, because my ancestors were about as good with money as the Arcs. And we usually sided with the Arcs and so, when their fortunes fell, so did ours."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Arjun and Saia had cleared out of the training yard. Isabel and Nick didn't know why... Until a certain member of Team STRQ barreled in.

Raven: "NICK ARC! FIGHT ME!"

Nick: "Okay!"

Isabel: "NO! Every time you two idiots fight, you fight for hours and have to go to the infirmary!"

Nick: "But Izzzyyyyy... Fighting her is cool!"

Isabel: "NO! Go fight Taiyang!"

Raven: "I already fought him! He's in the infirmary!"

Isabel: "Well go fight Qrow!"

Raven: "He and Summer ran away! FIGHT ME!"

Isabel: Sighs. "Fine, in that case, I'll fight you!" Turns to Nick. "Nick you act as the referee, and, no, you can't join in!"

Nick: "But Izzyyyyy!"

Isabel: "Not buts!"

Raven: "What? You're a medic! How much fun will you be to fight?"

Isabel: Nods. "That's right, I am a medic..." Gestures to the area surrounding them. ", but this isn't a field, it's an operating table, and I'm the Surgeon." Cracks knuckles.

Raven: Grins "Well well... That's quite a boast. Let's see if you can back it up!"

They had renovate the entire courtyard that day, but even still it ended with Isabelle's victory. The aftermath of which saw the majority of Isabel's clothes torn to pieces and ruined beyond recognition, and Raven nearly unconscious laying in the center of a massive crater, her opponents standing above her.

Isabel: "Haa... Haa... Haa... Haa... Back it up... Yourself... BITCH!"

Nick: "IZZY! THAT WAS SO COOL!"

Isabelle: Smiles, a slight blush dusting her cheeks. "Thanks Nick, now if you could help me-" It was at that moment that the remnants of Isabelle's clothes finally gave way.

Raven: "H-Hey! You can't ogle her! Ogle me! My boobs are way bigger!"

Nick: "Oh... Wow..."

Raven: "H-Hey! You can't ogle her! Ogle me! My boobs are way bigger!"

Isabel stomped on her face.

Isabel: "I'M A LATE BLOOMER DAMNIT!"

 

[LordofBones]

Fun random idea: How would Blake try to convince Katy of the gloriousness of Menagerie's cause?

Blake: "Menagerie is the homeland of all Faunus!

Click to shrink...

Katy: "Menagerie wasn't even a thing a century back. Did we all just pop out of thin air one day?"

Katy: "Not mine."

Blake: "But why continue to serve humans?!"

Katy: "Um, my family doesn't. We're neighbors and friends. We own our farm."

Click to shrink...

Katy: "I mean, other than when Jaune and me played Prince and Loyal Vassal..." *drools*

Blake: "Only because humans gave it to you!"

Click to shrink...

Katy: "Humans also gave you Menagerie."

Blake: "We won it in a war!"

Katy: "You won bumfuck nowhere in a war and proceeded to set up a glorified dictatorship. Remind me, how large is the Belladonna compound and how long has your family ruled?"

Katy: "You do realize there were Faunus throughout history that lived out fairly stable lives, right? And were granted titles of nobility? When the Arcs were kings, we were Counts."

Blake: "Counts?"

Katy: "Like, we ruled Radian County on behalf of the Arcs when they were royalty."

Click to shrink...

Katy: "Who taught you history, anyway?"

Blake: "History is racist!"

Blake: "But why do you only own a farm now?!"

Katy: "Well, because my ancestors were about as good with money as the Arcs. And we usually sided with the Arcs and so, when their fortunes fell, so did ours."

Click to shrink...

Katy: "Also, way to be classist, Your Highness."

 

[SharkCultist]

Instead of being blackmailed by Cardin Jaune goes to Ozpin himself and tells him about his transcripts.

Oz: Ok? I'm not sure why you're telling me this.

Jaune: buh? But I lied and came into the school under false pretenses!

Oz: Mr.Arc let me tell you a secret. Everyone lies in their transcripts.

Jaune: huh?

*Ozpin pulls out some folders*

Oz: Yang xaio-long, underage drinking, destruction of property, speeding tickets. Ren and Nora, lied about their address because they're homeless. Ruby Rose, that one to be fair I did the doctoring on, it was easier than going through official channels to get her into the school. Not to mention the students that are former terrorist and counter terrorist, or bastards.

Jaune: even Cardin faked his transcripts?

Oz: yes. Not any of the class information but he did lie about his name.

Jaune: his name isn't cardin?

Oz: no it is, but his middle name isn't bruner. It's Leslie.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

I think it would be fun to write a short where a Hunter is brought in and does one of those "Expert comments on Scenes in a Movie" video. Like this:


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtWqv0Z3ErM

It might be fun to flesh out the older characters, though being me, I would use many of my own OCs.

"No, you don't attack an S-Rank Grimm all alone. Not unless you have a death wish. You will just get killed 99 out of 100 times. Better to withdraw, get the locals to evacuate, and call in backup. Preferably the military with air strikes and artillery."

Oobleck as an archaeologist and research Huntsman, Port for how they hunted back in the day (And he's actually super serious in such an interview). Qrow for modern work. They would be fun. And my OCs too:

Port: "Sticky Dust charges can be useful but against S-Rank Class Grimm, it's basically total desperation. If you have no other choice. And engaging an S-Rank Grimm on your own is suicide 99 out of 100 times. In cases where I encountered an A-Rank or higher? We'd withdraw, evacuate the local village, and call in backup. There is plenty of honor to be had sharing it with other fighters if you kill such a monster-None if you are dead. So yes, it's a fun old movie, but in real life? He would be dead. 99 Times over."

Qrow: "Listen... Truth is, I'm not always drunk. I never get drunk on an op. You cannot afford to be drunk when lives are on the line. But acting like I'm drunk can be very useful. There are some Semblances where you can get more powerful while drinking liquor but everyone who had that? Tended to die young."

Isabel Arc: "Ohhh boy... This scene." sighs "Regenerating limbs with Medical Dust is, at this point in time, impossible. You can reattach limbs and heal them back together if you get them soon enough, but not regenerate. It's possible you could do it with a Semblance but so far we don't know of anyone with such a Semblance."

Nick Arc: "What?! How is he-Okay, this is a fun movie but this is not how you fight with a sword. There's a dozen openings in both of these guys' stances and neither of them is taking advantage of it? Also they move so slowly. It's really boring!"

Rufus Winchester: "Ugh... Look. I get that in a movie you need obstacles for the hero to get through. And the Hunter Captain who doesn't believe them and takes away their license is required in movies like this. But I think if you'd blown up a few Dust transports and set fire to a city block, maybe the Hunter Captain has a point? I was a Hunter Captain before I went into politics: If any of the Hunters under my command did this? I'd toss them in jail!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Yang and Jaune were at a bar, relaxing. Jaune looked especially exhausted.

Jaune: "Geez..."

Yang: "You look like hell. Your sister got you running all over the place?"

Jaune: "Yeah. I mean it's extra credit and I need it, but sheesh. It's like I never left home."

Yang: "Heh. Bet you were always a good big bro, huh?"

Jaune: "I did my best. All siblings can do, huh?"

Yang: "Totally. And uh... Hey. I know the fake engagement thing... Screwed you over."

Jaune: "I mean, not as badly as Blake's did."

Yang: giggles "Yeah, that was a riot... After I stopped being angry. Which I still am."

Jaune: "Well, if it helps I value my fake engagement with you more than my fake engagement with Blake. The family's trolling me less over that one."

Yang: "Aw."

Jaune: "But seriously... Pyrrha likes me too?! Ruby does?!"

Yang: "I mean Pyrrha was hard to read but I figured after the dance she probably had a thing for you... I sure did. You did a great thing for Weisscream, even if Neptune was a total loser."

Jaune: smiles "Thanks Yang."

Yang: "And ya know... I'd have gone with you if you'd asked."

Jaune: "Before or after making me your fiance?"

Yang: "Come on, I said I was sorry! What, you want me to be your sex slave?"

Jaune: "I'd rather you be my wife."

Yang: bright red

Jaune: "But ya know, given Blake is a princess and all-"

Yang: "OH LIKE HELL!" She grabbed Jaune's collar "You don't get to joke about shit like that!"

Jaune: "I-I mean you do?"

Yang: "Grrr..." pouts

Jaune: "But you know, there are fairy tales where the dragon is actually a princess the knight saves so... You know..."

Yang: rolls her eyes and snickers "Dork."

Jaune: "Yeah."

Yang: "Since when did you get all confident?"

Jaune: "I dunno, probably when I realized my life is insane and I shouldn't worry as much about it?"

Yang: "Heh..."

???: "Jaune?"

Yang and Jaune turn. An older, muscle bound man with a bald head, beard, glasses and red shirt approaches. Jaune grins.

Jaune: "Uncle Laurel-!"

Larry: "Larry! Come on kid, you know what I'm called." He chuckles and hugs Jaune. Jaune returns it.

Jaune: "It's great to see you!"

Yang: "Wait, is he an uncle on your mom's side or grandpa's side-?"

Jaune: "What? Oh no, he's not an Arc. He's just one of my dad's best friends!"

Larry: "Larry Lawful. Nice to meet you. Jaune's fiance, Yang right? Think that's what your dad said, in between his cheers about you gettin' hitched to five girls."

Jaune: "Ahhhh... Ummmm..."

Yang: "It's... Complicated?"

Larry: laughs "Always is with you Arcs. Your dad's one of my best friends because of the crazy shit he got into. Gave me the best bar stories, never had to pay for drinks when I got out of the clink."

Yang: "Oh? You were in jail?"

Larry: "Yeah... Did some bad things in my life. Nick's the one who caught me... But he also helped me turn my life around. Guy actually got me a job when I got out."

Jaune: "Uncle Larry's a security expert. So, I take it you're here because of Tangy?"

Larry: "She pays well and the security issues for this city are gonna make me rich. Haha!" He has a beer with Jaune and Yang "Mmm... Gotta say though, the criminal element in this city is somethin' else. Like, half the mobsters all seemed to vanish overnight and Roman Torchwick went all coocoo. Not his best work."

Yang: "Oh?"

Jaune: "Uncle Larry used to be the best thief in Remnant!"

Larry: "Heh. I wasn't that good, kid. Maybe in Vale, in my day, I might have broken into the top ten. I ain't a politician, after all. But I did my best to hurt nobody and to make maximum profit. This junk is just... Ugh. He did much better robberies. Like the Lady Valeria airship robbery. That was art."

Roman: "Which was inspired by your Aerial Queen robbery a few years back, Old Timer!"

Everyone turned to look at Roman Torchwick, standing in the doorway of the bar with his goons and Neo. Yang snarled, her hair glowing and eyes burning. Jaune held her back.
Jaune: "Wait!"

Yang: "Just let me at that fucking midget-!"

Jaune: "NO! Calm down! Too many innocent people around!"

Yang: GLARE

Jaune: "Mostly innocent!"

Roman: "Easy, Goldilocks. I ain't here for you or your boyfriend. I'm here for him." He points at Larry

Jaune: "What? NO!" Jaune gets in front of Larry, and Yang joins him "Beat it!"

Yang: "Or we'll beat you black and blue!"

Larry stands up, and pushes through both kids.

Larry: "Stand down. If he wants me, then he can have me."

Jaune: "Uncle Larry-!"

Larry: "Your parents would never forgive me if anything were to happen to you, Kid, or your girlfriend. Besides, this is not a good place to fight. Think it through. Don't be stupid."

Jaune and Yang seethe. Roman walks up to Larry. Larry scowls as Roman grins.

Roman: "You were called the Professor of Crime. The Master Thief."

Larry: "I had better nicknames."

Roman: "You weren't as... Say... Stylish as me but you had charm and a bit of drama."

Larry: "Side effects only. It was just business, not personal. Didn't want fame, just to have an easy life."

Roman: "But you could have retired sooner with what you amassed! So why did you keep doing it?"

Larry: "... I suppose I did enjoy the thrill. Hard to do a job if you hate it. Wasn't for the masses though, it was just for me. It was selfish but I liked being the best."

Roman: "And after going to prison, 'reforming', here you stand to counter me? When you did the same thing?"

Larry: "Even just theft destroys lives. I wasn't some crusader or little guy, just a thief makin' money. Ain't a stage play, kid."

Roman: "'All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts~!'"

Larry: "Cute. I take it you also got a shit degree in school and had to make ends meet somehow?"

Roman: "Heh. Crime's a hell of a lot more fun than working as Sunflower coffee."

Larry: "Heh. Ain't it the truth. So... What's your end game? You gotta know the cops are after any sign of you. I figure you've got ten minutes, at best, before they get wind of you here. This bar's not owned by you, and it's too nice to be on the take. And while you might be able to beat my nephew and his girlfriend-"

Neo: smirks, signs 'Might? Totally would!'

Yang: "The fuck did the midget say?!"

Jaune: "It'll just piss you off more."

Larry: "You won't do it in enough time to escape... So what's the deal?"

Roman: "Simple, Larry "The Master Thief', the Professor of Crime Lawful..." He held out an old wanted poster of Larry "Can I have your autograph?"

Larry: "... What."

Jaune: "What."

Yang: "WHAT?!"

- - -

Nick Arc, much like Son Goku, ran into a lot of bad guys he later befriended. Larry here is just one of them. Remember, Yamcha was a desert bandit, Tien and Chiaotzu were assassins, Piccolo was the son of Demon King Piccolo, Vegeta was Vegeta, and Krillin did the worst thing: He made Goku miss a meal. But he did become good friends with all of them.

Larry is based on Larry Lawton, a former jewel thief who has a YouTube Channel that I'm fond of, and a few other fictional thieves and gangsters-You can probably guess who.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Jaune's been holding onto a holodisk that Katy recorded for him before her death. She was sick for a long time and when it came to a choice of baby or her, she chose to let Mia live instead of her.

Jaune is not sure if he can ever watch it.

But Mia wanting to know more about Katy and his own conflicting feelings make it more complicated.

Yang: "Jaune... You know, I remember my mom more than Ruby does. My dad and uncle showed me all sorts of videos and pictures, and I've started reading her diary with Ruby. I think... I think if I was Mia, I would want to see it."

Jaune: "... I can't watch it. I just..." He bowed his head "Why can't I watch it?"

Yang: "Because losing her fucking sucked, that's why."

Jaune: snort "Yeah..."

Yang: "So... why don't we watch it with you?"

Jaune: "Yang... I-I don't know-"

Yang: huffs "You know, I'm not stupid. I'm not a bimbo. We all put up masks to hide our weaknesses and fears. I know why you act like the stoic leader and hide any emotion. It's because you don't want to be weak for the people you love. You want us to know you're able to handle it. Well... I think your friends will forgive you if you're not handling this. Because we're your friends. And if you can't trust us to be there for you when you're weak, why would we trust you to do the same for us?"

Jaune: "... You're a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that?"

Yang: "It's because I'm right."

Jaune: "... That's the worst part."

Click to shrink...

Jaune boots up the holodisk. Ruby and Yang sit with him, as do Pyrrha, Nora, and Ren. Weiss and Blake are watching Mia in the other room.

Jaune: "... I appreciate this, guys. I don't... I don't know if I can do this alone. I just... I want to watch it with Mia... But only after I see it first, you... You know?"

Ruby: "It's okay Jaune. Really."

Yang: "Yeah..."

Jaune: "..."

He stares at the holoprojector a while in silence.

Pyrrha: "I can start it for you? Or-Or we could do this another day, any day-"

Nora: "Jaune... It's okay." She's totally serious

Ren: "Yes. It's your choice."

Jaune: "..." Slowly nods. He holds up the remote control, and hits play.

The holoscreen opens up. There's Katy, sitting in a hospital bed. She's pale and sickly, but still smiling. She has a nose tube to deliver oxygen.

Katy: "Hello Jaune. Hello Mia. I've made this recording for you... You know. Jaune... I can't imagine how hard this is for you. You always felt so much, took on so much. You keep blaming yourself for this... You shouldn't."

She smiles a bit more widely.

Katy: "The parting... Is going to be hard. It's okay to be mad at me, to be sad. It's natural to feel this way. I know you will hurt a lot and won't know how to handle it. You'll try to carry on and be strong for Mia. I know you will... Just know that it's okay to open up to others. It will hurt. It will never stop hurting. But it won't destroy you... It will make you stronger. And you want to be strong, that's your dream, to protect everyone. Don't be afraid to pursue that dream, because I know you'll be great at it. Because you care so much. And don't close off your heart, please. I know how sweet and kind you are, so never lose that. Please."

She takes a deep haggard breath, and continues.

Katy: "I'm sorry I can't do more for you... But you made me the happiest I've ever been. We... We've made a baby. And she's wonderful. Even now I can feel her and I know she's going to be beautiful. And I'm only sorry that we didn't get more time together... That's the only regret I have. But I am so, so glad we met, and I am so glad we made her. And even happier that she will be healthy and happy."

She looks at the camera a bit more wanly, even as tears fill her eyes.

Katy: "Mia... I am so sorry I won't get to be there with you. I'm sorry I won't get to read you bedtime stories or cook you dinner, or play with you. You'll be confused about it. Maybe even sad. And that's okay, because it's something to be sad about. Don't... Don't hide your feelings, okay sweetie? Be honest and kind and straightforward. Listen to your father, he loves you and only wants the best for you. You and he might fight, especially when you get older... But he only ever wants you to be happy, and so do I."

She pauses for a moment, before she continues.

Katy: "The world can be a very dark and scary place sometimes. So dark and scary and terrible that you want to hide forever. But there's also so many wonderful and beautiful things in it. Love. Family. Friendship. These... These are the most valuable things in this world. Though it doesn't hurt to save your money and be careful with it." She laughs a little "Your family will teach you, we're good at it. Be careful of bad boys: A lot of them might look flashy and cool, but it's the good guys who can be dangerous but know when not to be who are the best, just like your dad. You're going to have bumps and bruises and bad things will happen... But please, never stop being a good person. Don't let the darkness in this world remove the light, because that's what we're here for: To be the light when things are dark."

She takes another shuddering breath.

Katy: "Finally... There are many kinds of battles. I... I had to forgoe taking the medicine that would cure me, because it would hurt you. Don't ever, ever feel guilty about that, Mia. I fought this battle, and I'll win it. Even if this takes me... You will live, and that's a win because I love you. A mom is supposed to protect her child, and that's a battle worth fighting. If I had to go back and do it over again... I wouldn't change a thing. Not meeting and loving your dad, and not having you. Because I love you both so much. One day... One day, we will meet again. On white shores, in a green land without pain or suffering. We will all be together. But not for a long time. So, be a good girl, say your prayers, and be kind. I love you, Mia. I love you, Jaune."

The recording ended. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. Jaune bent his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. Ruby and Yang hugged him from either side, while Pyrrha hugged him from behind. Nora squeezed in to hug him too, while Ren squeezed his shoulder.

Jaune: "... Thanks guys."

Ruby: "... Any time..."

 

[The Brotherhood of Steel]

Idea May ,Ciel ,Reese ,Arslan, and Neon have a group chat to help each other try to get with Jaune before RWBYP do.

BeanieSniper: I FUCKED REAL BAD!!!

Ain'tLion: What did you fucking do?

OnTimeCadet: Calm down and explain what happened.

BeanieSniper: I overheard Ruby talking to her team about how she's going to offer to teach Jaune how to fire Crescent Rose in case he wanted a ranged weapon so I figure I would beat her to the punch and took Jaune to the range to try out my rifle.

TotallyBoard: Nice

TasteTheRainbow: Underhanded I love it.

OnTimeCadet: So what went wrong?

BeanieSniper: Well I decided that Jaune was doing so well that I would teach him how to pull off ricochet shots and well... the bullet ended up going into one of the vents.

Ain'tLion: That's not too bad.

BeanieSniper: Which led to Goodwitch's office.

OnTimeCadet:...

BeanieSniper: Hitting her in the ass.

TotallyBoard: You guys are fucked lol.

TasteTheRainbow: I'm fucking dying.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Beacon does have a daycare but Mia is very scared to be without her papa.

Jaune; "I know...It's going to be okay, Mia. I will be back."

Mia: Crying piteously

Jaune: "I will be back. I promise." Kisses the top of her head. Mia uses the opportunity to latch onto his neck.

Jaune: "Mia..." He sighs and pushes her away. Sets her down. And leaves. He is very tense as he walks away, hearing Mia's crying

Pyrrha: "Jaune... She will be okay."

He is SUPER tense

Jaune: "I know... This is just the first time we'll be apart. For... For more than a few hours."

Ren: "She will get used to it. And so will you."

Nora: "Yeah. She'll understand. Because you will never abandon her."

Jaune: smiles "Thanks guys."

- - -

During "Black and White" when Blake runs away, everyone goes out to look for her. Jaune is very determined in particular. And scolds her when everything is said and done.

Jaune: "You don't just run away from your problems or people who care about you. Mia was terrified that you were gone. She was so worried!"

- - -

Jaune and Mia waking up at 6 in the morning for breakfast. Mia sees a visage of her mom and goes toward a certain blond brawler

Mia; MAMA! *Hugs a sleep deprived Yang from behind*

Yang; Oof! Wha-huh!?

Jaune; *comes back with breakfast* Mia, wait!

Mia; *looks properly* Oh...sorry Yang...I thought you were mama for second...

Yang, eyes bulging from the shock; Uuuhh, it's okay. You can still hug me from behind if you want

Mia; Really!?

Yang;...sure *somehow pulls a genuine smile*

Mia and Yang cuddling intensifies with Jaune thinking he was gonna die because of her daughter's sleep deprived state.

- - -

And of course, while Jaune still has pride... He is not above doing silly and embarrassing things for his daughter.

Port: "... Mister Arc, is there a reason you are coming into my class in a pink dress and tiara?"

Jaune: "Tea party with my daughter, sir."

Port: "Ah, say no more! Is she a Wisney princess fan?"

Jaune: "Very much so, sir."

Port: "Who is her favorite?"

Jaune: "Changes regularly, but right now she really loves Elsa and Anna."

Port: "Jolly good! My daughters are more fond of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty! Why I remember when I slaughtered a Boarbatusk herd with a Wisney Store's contents! I had "Let it Go" stuck in my head and it did raise my spirits, so I sang it loud and proud to keep the Grimm attention on me!"

Jaune: "I'll have to remember that one, sir."

- - -

And there's of course plenty of opportunities for drama.

Jaune is showing Mia some pictures of Katy.

Jaune: "See? This is when your mom and I went to our first barn dance. It was a lot of fun, even though I spilled punch all over her."

Mia: "Hee! She looks funny!"

Jaune: "She was mad, but she forgave me."

Mia: "You and Mama liked dancing, right Daddy?"

Jaune: "We loved to dance."

Mia: "You like dancing with Yang, right? And Pyrrha? And Weiss? And Blake?"

Jaune: "Yeah... It was a lot of fun to go dancing with them."

Mia: "So why can't one of them be my new Mama?"

Jaune: tenses "... Mia... It... It's not that simple-"

Mia: "Why? Don't you like them?"

Jaune: "Yes, I like them a lot. But your mom is your mom, Mia. She loved you very much. I can't go replacing her-"

Mia: "But Mama's gone. I don't remember her, Daddy."

Jaune: Sad look "Mia..."

Mia: sad "I... Other kids have mamas. Why can't I?"

Jaune: "... Oh, Mia..." He hugs her, and tries very hard not to cry. He cannot afford to cry. Not for her.

Mia: "Did I say something wrong, Daddy?"

Jaune: "... No... No, of course not..." sigh

- - -

Jaune's been holding onto a holodisk that Katy recorded for him before her death. She was sick for a long time and when it came to a choice of baby or her, she chose to let Mia live instead of her.

Jaune is not sure if he can ever watch it.

But Mia wanting to know more about Katy and his own conflicting feelings make it more complicated.

Yang: "Jaune... You know, I remember my mom more than Ruby does. My dad and uncle showed me all sorts of videos and pictures, and I've started reading her diary with Ruby. I think... I think if I was Mia, I would want to see it."

Jaune: "... I can't watch it. I just..." He bowed his head "Why can't I watch it?"

Yang: "Because losing her fucking sucked, that's why."

Jaune: snort "Yeah..."

Yang: "So... why don't we watch it with you?"

Jaune: "Yang... I-I don't know-"

Yang: huffs "You know, I'm not stupid. I'm not a bimbo. We all put up masks to hide our weaknesses and fears. I know why you act like the stoic leader and hide any emotion. It's because you don't want to be weak for the people you love. You want us to know you're able to handle it. Well... I think your friends will forgive you if you're not handling this. Because we're your friends. And if you can't trust us to be there for you when you're weak, why would we trust you to do the same for us?"

Jaune: "... You're a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that?"

Yang: "It's because I'm right."

Jaune: "... That's the worst part."

- - -

Blake would be interesting to study in this situation because she has very little experience with children. But she also feels an obligation to be there for a fellow Faunus. However...

Blake: "You're not teaching her anything about her heritage, Jaune!"

Jaune: "What do you mean? The Sith Family's legacy goes back as far as the Arc's! She knows all about the great heroes of both sides of her family! Like Ser Pantera Sith, who held off an army of one thousand men at Three Turn Bridge all by himself to prevent Radian from falling! Or Lucretzia Sith, who was Queen Louise VII's greatest diplomat!"

Blake: "Yes, but those are all Faunus in service to your family! Why not other famous Faunus? The Founders of Menagerie?"

Jaune: "Why? We have no ties to Menagerie."

Blake: "They liberated Faunuskind!"

Jaune: "They may have liberated a lot of Faunus from Atlasian and Mistralian oppression, but not in Sanus. The Siths and other Faunus were always treated well by my ancestors."

Blake: "But she's a Faunus! And a cat Faunus at that. She has a history she should know about! I could teach her about it?"

Jaune: "... All right. But! Under my supervision."

Blake: "Of course!"

- - -

Mia is usually a well behaved girl. But there are times Jaune has to punish her.

Mia: "No! I don't wanna! I DON'T WANNA!"

Mia throws a tantrum. She starts screaming loudly. Jaune takes a deep breath.

Jaune: "MIA ARC! You do not act like this!"

He takes her over to the corner and sits here down there.

Jaune: "You are going to sit there and stare at the wall and think about what you've done. You don't get to come out until I say so!"

Mia: "DADDDYYYYYY!"

Jaune: "No buts! You stay there!"

He glares at her. Mia stomps her feet more and cries harder.

Jaune: "You're just going to stay there longer if you keep this up, Mia. Do you want to stay there until bed time? Not get to see Auntie Ruby or Auntie Nora?"

Mia: angry sob "... No...!"

Jaune: "Then you sit there and stare at the wall and think about what you did!"

Mia keeps crying and sits, glaring at the wall.

Jaune pulls away to the other side of the common room, and stares at his daughter. He jumps when he feels Pyrrha touch his forearm.

Jaune: low tone "Oh, Pyr... Sorry about that."

Pyrrha: "No, I understand. I didn't intervene."

Jaune: "Thank you..." sighs "I hate having to do this but if I don't-"

Pyrrha: "It's all right. You're a father. It's what you're supposed to do if you love your children. Discipline them." She smiles and squeezes his arm

Jaune: smiles back "I know. It's still really hard."

Pyrrha: "I know. But being a parent means you need to be strong. In every way... And I know you are."

Jaune: "Thanks Pyr. I think... I think you'd be a good mother."

Pyrrha is bright red and giggles happily.

Pyrrha: "Oh Jaune... Th-That's so forward~!"

Jaune: "Huh?"

Pyrrha: "Um, n-nothing!"

- - -

Jaune: "So sweetie, what did you learn in daycare today?"

Mia: "That the Starlight Rangers are awesome heroes who beat up Grimm monsters!"

Jaune: "Haha! They absolutely are!"

Jaune makes it back to the JNPR common room... Which has a fire fighter team handling it.

Jaune: "Wha-What happened?!"

Weiss: In an apron "Jaune! You're back!"

Pyrrha: Also in an apron "It's so great to see you!"

Nora: "I tried to stop them, Jaune-Jaune! I swear!"

Ren: "Unsuccessfully."

Jaune: "What happened?!"

Pyrrha: "Um... W-Well, we... Wanted to try and make dinner for a change."

Weiss: "You always do most of the cooking! Well, you and Xiao-Long..."

Jaune: "Oh yeah! She does a good job!"

Weiss and Pyrrha: fume a bit

Pyrrha: "So we tried to make you-I mean us-a nice, simple dinner!"

Weiss: "Yes! Steak and potatoes with side salad!"

Pyrrha: "Beef noodles with pork buns!"

A pause.

Weiss: "Wait, that's what you were trying to make?!"

Pyrrha: "I-I was following your lead!"

Jaune: sighs "It's all right, both of you. Nobody's hurt, and... Look! Professor Goodwitch is fixing everything up!"

Professor Goodwitch is indeed fixing everything up, and sending the firefighters on their way.

Glynda: "Miss Schnee, Miss Nikos... No more cooking except under strict supervision."

Pyrrha and Weiss: "Yes ma'am."

Glynda: "Mister Arc. I will be joining you for dinner tonight."

Jaune: "Yes ma'am."

Glynda: "And I'm holding Mia in my lap."

Jaune: "Of course ma'am. No problem!"

 

[bazerkerking]

Ozpin and all the teachers consider her, and all the kids at Beacon's day care, to be their grand kids. Ozpin regularly takes the time to visit and play with them, partially to remind himself what he's fighting for, Port is always there telling stories to the kids, Oobleck loves to teach them science like Bill Nye.

Click to shrink...

I present my addition to this idea!

*SCIENCE TIME WITH PROFESSOR OOBLECK! *
~Adam west style batman transition~

Oobleck : Hey little science friends! I have a question for you? How do you get an egg into this glass milk bottle, without breaking the shell?

Day care children do their very best to try and get the egg into the slightly smaller glass bottle. They try greasing it with butter, provided by Professor Oobleck, forcing it in, and tapping it with small rubber hammers.
After many attempts, the come to the conclusion that its impossible.

Mia: it doesn't work! The egg is too big!

Professor Oobleck: a very good observation! The egg is just ~slightly~ too big to fit in without breaking. But watch what happens when I.. do.. THIS! Just a reminder children, never handle fire without a responsible adult.

* drops a lit match in the milk bottle and places the egg on the opening. The flame burns out and the egg sucks itself into the bottle, shell still intact!!*

* children shocked pikachu face*
Mia: HOW!? ARE YOU MAGIC?!

Oobleck: haha! While it might seem like magic, its actually science! The lit match burns up all the air in the bottle, creating a vacuum, this vacuum wants to be filled so it trys to pull in more air! However, the egg is in the way, so the vacuum pulls the egg into the bottle to allow air to fill the vacuum!

* the children "ooh!" And, "aah!" Over their new knowledge.

Oobleck: So! Who wants to see this vacuum effect pull all the water out of this fish tank and put it into the other fish tank?

*all the children raise their hands excitedly!*

 

[SharkCultist]

Fun and stupid idea.

Beacon learns that Velvet is a wild drunk. A wild and racist drunk.

*Velvet kicks in the cafeteria doors*

Velvet: Cardin Winchester you hairless chimp where the fuck are you?

Cardin: who you calling a chimp flopsy?

*Velvet shoots across the cafeteria with a rabbit jump and grabs him by the nuts*

Velvet: listen here you ginger chucklefuck you've been pulling my ears for two months.

Cardin: and you want me to stop?

Velvet: I want you to stop blue balling me you mistake.

Cardin: mistake?

Velvet: well you have aura so you've got a soul. Which you shouldn't since you're a ginger.

Cardin: that's racist.

Velvet: thanks for noticing. Now. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to take me on a date, and for your sake I hope it's good, and afterwards you're going to tell your team to fuck off for the weekend so we can use your room.

Cardin: and if I object?

*Velvet squeezes slightly*

Velvet: Don't.

Cardin: noted.

Velvet: good. I'm going to throw up on your shoes and pass out now.

*Proceeds to do just that*

 

[AndrewJTalon]

I dunno where this came from. I think it's from watching a lot of Westerns. But here is some badly needed badass and pathos for Qrow. Imagine him talking to his nieces when they're almost to Volume 1 about the reality of Hunting Grimm.

"You walk into town, a stranger. The people there look to you, fear and hope in their eyes. And the weight of what they face lies upon you. These people are trying to reclaim the world that the Grimm took from us, bring light to the shadow. Out of desperation, greed, idiocy, hope, religious fervor-They come out of the cities to scrape away at the darkness that surrounds us, make a little candle in the night. And you are supposed to keep that candle lit, no matter the storm blowing, trying to snuff it out."

"A Huntsman can be seen as a messenger of God, an angel. Or a demon from the cold hell, appearing like salvation but dragging everyone down into damnation. A supernatural quality is assigned to the man or woman with the gun and the Aura unlocked, striding into town. And I don't believe I am an angel or devil. All I do is what I can to keep that candle lit. To chase out the darkness. But if there is a God, then I hope I will be doing His work. I hope His power is my power, I hope His justice is my justice. Because in the end there will be times where you're the only chance that little candle has of not going out. Never forget that."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Ruby Rose sat on the bus, blindfolded, her arms crossed over her chest. She had been pouting through it from the moment Jaune had asked her to go with him and put it on.

"Are we there yet?" Ruby asked.

"Almost," Jaune said reassuringly, squeezing her hand. Ruby sighed heavily.

"I mean, I'm glad you're taking me out somewhere. Especially given your fiances," Ruby grumbled.

"Fake fiances," Jaune sighed. Ruby scowled.

"Don't seem so fake to me," she grumbled. Jaune sighed. The bus finally came to a stop, and Jaune took her hand.

"I know, I know, "Jaune said, "It's a big mess. I don't know why everyone's gone crazy."

"UGH!" Ruby huffed, stomping her foot even as they went down the steps, "You're so unfair, you know?"

"Unfair?" Jaune asked, confused. Ruby huffed as they stood on a street, the sounds of traffic and pedestrian traffic filling her ears.

"Yeah! You-You stupid super Aura badass family line harem having jerk! I'm your best friend and you just keep doing all this stupid junk! Even Granny paid more attention to Yang over me cause you're engaged! So whatever you're doing to win me back had better be super, super good-!"

Jaune pulled her blindfold off. Ruby stared at the large sign before her.

FORT CELLIWIG: VALEAN DEFENSE FORCE BASE

Underneath this was:

WELCOMES THE ARMAMENT EXPOSITION OF REMNANT

Ruby looked over: The gates to the base were open, the guards checking a wave of people of all shapes and sizes walking in. Kids laughing happily with their parents, soldiers, teenagers… And beyond the gates, the base. Full of military aircraft, vehicles, and stands full of weapons.

Ruby slowly turned back to Jaune. He smiled and handed over a ticket badge. He held up his own.

"Full weekend passes," Jaune said with a grin. Ruby gaped, slowly taking the badge into her trembling hands. "Just us together. What do you say, Crater Face?"

Ruby sucked in a deep breath… And then squealed.

"HEEEEE! JAUNE!" She hugged him tightly, her arms tight around his neck. "I LOVE YOU!"

"URK! Heh… I love you too, Ruby," Jaune said, hugging her back happily. "Let's go!"

And that's the preview. There will be another Arc family member too. But the sisters are the main focus.