Twisted Pinwheel

[Bobs Beard]

Because clearly whoever's doing it is drunk.

Click to shrink...

You know, on that note...

If you squint a bit, Orochimaru's performance in canon could fit very well with him developing - and then later resolving - a drinking problem.

• Initially, he's Leaf's greatest researcher, a baller omnicompetent ninja, cool guy all around. Big, high-profile and high-stress position, that. Could drive a man to the bottle - particularly since he has to interact with idiots all day every day.
• Then, when he has such a good thing, he looks for new cutting edge stuff in the flesh of his own peeps - grabbing whatever's sorta viable that's nearest to you is absolutely a drunken approach to experimentation/projects.
• Rather than face the headache and nuisance of trying to make that up - and realistically if he'd surrendered, retaining Orochimaru's services could quite credibly been worth far more than the orphans he was expending - he said fuck this I'm out, and stormed off - a rather drunken way of handling a complex situation where you're at fault.
• Thereafter makes his own home base like a child and tries to bull people into giving him shit he wants - again, like a drunk jackass.
• He looses use of his arms, and becomes this huge asshole that just sits around doing nothing... but drinking.
• He dies, and is finally forced to detox.
• When he's revived all sober and shit, all of a sudden he's a thousand times more rational and reasonable, and seems to completely revert to pre-treachery levels of 'you're a fairly amoral guy, but dang do you know your shit' sort of guy.
• Post-series Orochimaru willfully owns up to his prior insane bullshit and largely decommissions his crazy-ass, only-a-drunk-would-think-this-was-a-good-idea experiments.
• He has a kid and tries to have a normal life, sorta - much like a recovered alcoholic trying to rebuild their life.

So yeah; Roach-man's on the sauce, and for once that's not a reference to Sasuke!

 

[Plotvitalnpc]

That is amazing.
You have won this day.

 

[Chibi-Reaper]

You know, on that note...

If you squint a bit, Orochimaru's performance in canon could fit very well with him developing - and then later resolving - a drinking problem.

• Initially, he's Leaf's greatest researcher, a baller omnicompetent ninja, cool guy all around. Big, high-profile and high-stress position, that. Could drive a man to the bottle - particularly since he has to interact with idiots all day every day.
• Then, when he has such a good thing, he looks for new cutting edge stuff in the flesh of his own peeps - grabbing whatever's sorta viable that's nearest to you is absolutely a drunken approach to experimentation/projects.
• Rather than face the headache and nuisance of trying to make that up - and realistically if he'd surrendered, retaining Orochimaru's services could quite credibly been worth far more than the orphans he was expending - he said fuck this I'm out, and stormed off - a rather drunken way of handling a complex situation where you're at fault.
• Thereafter makes his own home base like a child and tries to bull people into giving him shit he wants - again, like a drunk jackass.
• He looses use of his arms, and becomes this huge asshole that just sits around doing nothing... but drinking.
• He dies, and is finally forced to detox.
• When he's revived all sober and shit, all of a sudden he's a thousand times more rational and reasonable, and seems to completely revert to pre-treachery levels of 'you're a fairly amoral guy, but dang do you know your shit' sort of guy.
• Post-series Orochimaru willfully owns up to his prior insane bullshit and largely decommissions his crazy-ass, only-a-drunk-would-think-this-was-a-good-idea experiments.
• He has a kid and tries to have a normal life, sorta - much like a recovered alcoholic trying to rebuild their life.

So yeah; Roach-man's on the sauce, and for once that's not a reference to Sasuke!

Click to shrink...

This is now canon to Pinwheel, to a degree.

Only I'm tweaking it to point the finger at experiments in more effective and efficient Ninja Combat Stims and testing them on himself because haha, I'm a legendary ninja, I can't get addicted and even if I do I'm cool enough to fix the problem.

Only he tried to fix the problem with different cocktails of ninja drugs.

.... The truth of the matter is that his bodysnatcher jutsu would actually be a lot more effective, except that the massive overdoses of habitual thinking and performance aids just absolutely destroys his new bodies really fast. "What do you mean I need to build up a new tolerance in a new body, fuck you I'm a legendary ninja, just try to stand between me and my private break-room."

What I'm saying is that there's a really good reason he keeps the hypercompetent medical ninja around despite Kabuto being mindfucked in two different irreconcilable directions, and it's not just because he's fun at the surprise autopsy parties. (The guest of honor is always surprised, to the point that they're weeping from probably happiness, who wouldn't be happy to contribute to ninja science?)

 

[Plotvitalnpc]

So was he planning on being enough of a manwhore to start himself an Uchiha farm once he got Sasuke's body?
'Cause it sounds like he'd end up doing the same thing once he took it over, in his plan.

 

[Bobs Beard]

This is now canon to Pinwheel, to a degree.

Only I'm tweaking it to point the finger at experiments in more effective and efficient Ninja Combat Stims and testing them on himself because haha, I'm a legendary ninja, I can't get addicted and even if I do I'm cool enough to fix the problem.

Only he tried to fix the problem with different cocktails of ninja drugs.

.... The truth of the matter is that his bodysnatcher jutsu would actually be a lot more effective, except that the massive overdoses of habitual thinking and performance aids just absolutely destroys his new bodies really fast. "What do you mean I need to build up a new tolerance in a new body, fuck you I'm a legendary ninja, just try to stand between me and my private break-room."

What I'm saying is that there's a really good reason he keeps the hypercompetent medical ninja around despite Kabuto being mindfucked in two different irreconcilable directions, and it's not just because he's fun at the surprise autopsy parties. (The guest of honor is always surprised, to the point that they're weeping from probably happiness, who wouldn't be happy to contribute to ninja science?)

Click to shrink...

'Because lethal doses of stimulants and other drugs' is a pretty damn solid explanation for how he's so omni-excellent at all things ninja.

So was he planning on being enough of a manwhore to start himself an Uchiha farm once he got Sasuke's body?

Click to shrink...

I shall answer your question, with another question.

Can you point out a ninja you seriously feel is sluttier than the Roachmeister?

Guy's like a crack whore that needs bus fare.

 

[Plotvitalnpc]

'Because lethal doses of stimulants and other drugs' is a pretty damn solid explanation for how he's so omni-excellent at all things ninja.

I shall answer your question, with another question.

Can you point out a ninja you seriously feel is sluttier than the Roachmeister?

Guy's like a crack whore that needs bus fare.

Click to shrink...

...
uh...
hm...
Er......
I answer your question with a change of topic:
The Kaguya clan are descended from Kaguya, but...through fucking who?
Hagoromo? Hamura?
Black Zetsu?

 

[HypoSoc]

Can you point out a ninja you seriously feel is sluttier than the Roachmeister?

Click to shrink...

Any member of the Aburame.

Their constant state of breeding and their hereditary kinks make them a force to be reckoned with.

 

[Bobs Beard]

Any member of the Aburame.

Their constant state of breeding and their hereditary kinks make them a force to be reckoned with.

Click to shrink...

I question if they actually have more bugs in them than Orochi has snakes - he kind of can explode into a lot of them - like, a flood's worth. Gotta be plenty of snake boinking going on there, just by pure numbers.

And since snakes are far more tentacle-like than bugs... yeah I'm standing by my opinion on who's the lewdest nin.

 

[Guile]

Any member of the Aburame.

Their constant state of breeding and their hereditary kinks make them a force to be reckoned with.

Click to shrink...

Oh HypoSoc, you know no one can think of Aburame and sex in the same sentence. Shino's so passive-aggressive because he's the #2 rookie ninja behind Sasuke but HE never gets any fangirls.

 

[Chibi-Reaper]

I'd assume there's sometimes trouble finding significant others who are maybe-sometimes fine with foreplay involving Clan Jutsu.

Edit: "I know it's my birthday, but please learn any other kind of clone jutsu for this."

 

[Guile]

I'd assume there's sometimes trouble finding significant others who are maybe-sometimes fine with foreplay involving Clan Jutsu.

Click to shrink...

Well it doesn't HAVE to be bug sex! I bet Shino has a vibrate function.

 

[HypoSoc]

I question if they actually have more bugs in them than Orochi has snakes - he kind of can explode into a lot of them

Click to shrink...

Orochimaru summons his snakes, so it doesn't count. He shares his snakes with Anko.

Oh HypoSoc, you know no one can think of Aburame and sex in the same sentence. Shino's so passive-aggressive because he's the #2 rookie ninja behind Sasuke but HE never gets any fangirls.

Click to shrink...

All the Aburame, are drowning in sex, especially Shino. And not just bug sex. The stoicism and passive aggressiveness only add to their charm. They just don't talk about it.

I'd assume there's sometimes trouble finding significant others who are maybe-sometimes fine with foreplay involving Clan Jutsu.

Click to shrink...

Fact: The Ninja World is extremely deadly, even to the most powerful. Those who cannot fight back are in even more danger.
Fact: In spite of the above, civilians exist. Not only do they exist, but they manage to out number their Ninja counterparts.
Fact: If the death rate is higher, and yet the population too consistently remains higher, it stands to reason that the Civilians survive as a species by outbreeding Ninja. Massively outbreeding them.

So, in the Elemental Nations, it is clear that their are only two survival strategies, Ninja Clans, and Civilian swarm reproduction.

In the case of Ninja, not only are superior genetics passed down, but so are techniques, which are more important. As techniques favor similarity for perfect repetition, this has led to a desire for reproducing with only similar individuals. For smaller groupings, the risk of incest related disorders outweighs the benefits of techniques, but for large enough clans the risk is mitigated. Thus successful clans of large enough size are compelled to inbreed among themselves, to best foster their development toward a specialized niche. Their techniques become more developed across generations, and their culture becomes more homogenous and self contained, with only the occasional influx of new blood for novelty in genetic and technique stock, leading to the clans as they currently are. Sometimes clans go extinct when another clan manages to usurp their niche, but, for the most part, this is a successful strategy.

Civilians, on the other hand, cannot make use of the "Clan" strategy, as it is nonoptimal for r-type breeders. Instead, they spread far and wide, avoid disasters that a Clan would fall in the face of, but never achieving prominence. General hardiness is selected for as opposed to niche bloodline limits and the like that the Clans favor. So civilians are evolutionarily encouraged to mate with strong individuals period, not simply similar individuals. As such, Ninja, with their objectively superior genetics, are prime targets.

Unfortunately, Ninja clans, as has been explained, are closed-knit communities of inbred super mutants. Civilians face two dilemmas from this: one, they have to overcome the Ninja Clan's natural propensity for interbreeding to attract a mate, and two, they must be capable of mating with whatever shark-face, mouth-handed, part-dog, literal zombie-person abomination this particular inbred strand of hyper humans happens to have developed into.

The first can be solved by not acting as competition. While Ninja Clans favor a tightly bound in group community, noncommittal relationships are no burden. A Ninja on a mission may simply bed a civilian with no consequence, allowing the civilian to get the glorious Ninja genetics without forcing the ninja to invest time an energy that is necessary for the next generation of their clan.

The second requires another evolutionary selector. A civilian must be capable of sleeping with absolutely any Ninja, not matter their varied phenotypes. Moreso, it is expected that they should pursue the abnormal as a priority, as such is a sign of the Ninja's power and breeding. So, successful Civilain strands fetishize the difference, to encourage mating protocols.

And thus, through basic Evolutionary psychology, we have established that Civilians in the elemental nations are hyper-sexual, hyper-fecund literal bastards with a universal ninja fetish and ALL OF THE KINKS. The Aburame Clan, as the kinkiest of Konoha's Clans, is literally drowning in Civilian Groupies.

The above chain of logic is entirely reasonable, and is, in fact, the only possible legitimate conclusion one can reach.

 

[Ct613hulu]

It seems like you could simplify that down to explaining that the members of the Ninja clans are ridiculously rich compared to the average citizen and that people throughout history have shown a willingness to do some incredibly twisted things for money. I would expect that the average peasant farm girl would view having to occasionally have a Nin-dog as a sexual partner or perform other Bloodline induced sexual kinks with Ninja from other clans in exchange for a massive increase in standard of living for herself and her descendants as an excellent deal.

 

[Xicree]

The above chain of logic is entirely reasonable, and is, in fact, the only possible legitimate conclusion one can reach.

Click to shrink...

Natural Selection. It's only natural!

 

[Bobs Beard]

I like everything you said Hypo, but I must take exception with one line-

Orochimaru summons his snakes, so it doesn't count. He shares his snakes with Anko.

Click to shrink...

While it is true that Orochimaru is indeed a snake summoner and also frequently makes use of this, he does certain things with snakes that no one else does with their summons.

If 'exploding into lots of iterations of your summon creature that are still you given that you can reform from them' was a summoning technique, you'd see someone else doing it, or even acknowledging it as a technique rather than the abomination they labelled it.

But Jiraiya didn't dissolve into frogs against Nagato, Tsunade didn't burst into slugs against Madara, and Kakashi never exploded into assorted dogs in any of his fights.

Heck, his cells caused Kabuto to mutate into a snake monsterman - you'd think that's indicative he did some frankensteinian bullshit to himself with his snake summons.

Per this I hold the opinion that it is more logical to assume Orochimaru used his summoning contract as a base, and did something to himself with it that he thought up from studying the Aburame techniques, rather than that he's employing a summoning technique when he does his extra creepy 'I am snake legion' stuff.

And as such... I still stand by my assertion that no Ninja is lewder than Orochimaru.

 

[rcnr]

Isn't Boss Slug's thing turning into a billion tiny versions of herself and reforming?

 

[HypoSoc]

It seems like you could simplify that down to explaining that the members of the Ninja clans are ridiculously rich compared to the average citizen

Click to shrink...

Get your socioeconomics the hell out of my biological psychology!

 

[Bobs Beard]

Isn't Boss Slug's thing turning into a billion tiny versions of herself and reforming?

Click to shrink...

Indeed it is - the Summon dissolves into more instances of itself that can then smoosh back together later.

Similar in look, totally different in execution from Orochimaru turning into not-orochimaru's that can reform into Orochimaru.

Like how a frog having a bunch of its babies living in its back looks similar to, but is totally different from a caterpillar with a bunch of someone else's babies in its back.

'S an important distinction, the difference between:
'goodbye, my children; I am hopeful for your future!'
and
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHTHEYREEATINGTHEIRWAYOUTIWELCOMETHESWEETEMBRACEOFDEATH'.

 

[Guile]

I like everything you said Hypo, but I must take exception with one line-

While it is true that Orochimaru is indeed a snake summoner and also frequently makes use of this, he does certain things with snakes that no one else does with their summons.

If 'exploding into lots of iterations of your summon creature that are still you given that you can reform from them' was a summoning technique, you'd see someone else doing it, or even acknowledging it as a technique rather than the abomination they labelled it.

But Jiraiya didn't dissolve into frogs against Nagato, Tsunade didn't burst into slugs against Madara, and Kakashi never exploded into assorted dogs in any of his fights.

Heck, his cells caused Kabuto to mutate into a snake monsterman - you'd think that's indicative he did some frankensteinian bullshit to himself with his snake summons.

Per this I hold the opinion that it is more logical to assume Orochimaru used his summoning contract as a base, and did something to himself with it that he thought up from studying the Aburame techniques, rather than that he's employing a summoning technique when he does his extra creepy 'I am snake legion' stuff.

And as such... I still stand by my assertion that no Ninja is lewder than Orochimaru.

Click to shrink...

Isn't Orochimaru's mental image of himself apparently a giant snake made of smaller snakes with his face on it, given that's what Sasuke fought while trying to excise the curse seal? Or was that a thing that actually happened in the real world?

Either way, dude is pretty freaky.

 

[rcnr]

Considering that we've already established Orochimaru has crazy snake genes, isn't it less of a stretch to assume the snakes ARE, in fact, Orochimaru?

This would fulfill the "miniatures of yourself" requirement, and you'd end up with a viable technique if you just swapped the expressed and un-expressed genes around.

 

[macdjord]

He shares his snakes with Anko.

Click to shrink...

... if you know what I mean~

All the Aburame, are drowning in sex, especially Shino. And not just bug sex. The stoicism and passive aggressiveness only add to their charm. They just don't talk about it.


Fact: The Ninja World is extremely deadly, even to the most powerful. Those who cannot fight back are in even more danger.
Fact: In spite of the above, civilians exist. Not only do they exist, but they manage to out number their Ninja counterparts.
Fact: If the death rate is higher, and yet the population too consistently remains higher, it stands to reason that the Civilians survive as a species by outbreeding Ninja. Massively outbreeding them.

So, in the Elemental Nations, it is clear that their are only two survival strategies, Ninja Clans, and Civilian swarm reproduction.

In the case of Ninja, not only are superior genetics passed down, but so are techniques, which are more important. As techniques favor similarity for perfect repetition, this has led to a desire for reproducing with only similar individuals. For smaller groupings, the risk of incest related disorders outweighs the benefits of techniques, but for large enough clans the risk is mitigated. Thus successful clans of large enough size are compelled to inbreed among themselves, to best foster their development toward a specialized niche. Their techniques become more developed across generations, and their culture becomes more homogenous and self contained, with only the occasional influx of new blood for novelty in genetic and technique stock, leading to the clans as they currently are. Sometimes clans go extinct when another clan manages to usurp their niche, but, for the most part, this is a successful strategy.

Civilians, on the other hand, cannot make use of the "Clan" strategy, as it is nonoptimal for r-type breeders. Instead, they spread far and wide, avoid disasters that a Clan would fall in the face of, but never achieving prominence. General hardiness is selected for as opposed to niche bloodline limits and the like that the Clans favor. So civilians are evolutionarily encouraged to mate with strong individuals period, not simply similar individuals. As such, Ninja, with their objectively superior genetics, are prime targets.

Unfortunately, Ninja clans, as has been explained, are closed-knit communities of inbred super mutants. Civilians face two dilemmas from this: one, they have to overcome the Ninja Clan's natural propensity for interbreeding to attract a mate, and two, they must be capable of mating with whatever shark-face, mouth-handed, part-dog, literal zombie-person abomination this particular inbred strand of hyper humans happens to have developed into.

The first can be solved by not acting as competition. While Ninja Clans favor a tightly bound in group community, noncommittal relationships are no burden. A Ninja on a mission may simply bed a civilian with no consequence, allowing the civilian to get the glorious Ninja genetics without forcing the ninja to invest time an energy that is necessary for the next generation of their clan.

The second requires another evolutionary selector. A civilian must be capable of sleeping with absolutely any Ninja, not matter their varied phenotypes. Moreso, it is expected that they should pursue the abnormal as a priority, as such is a sign of the Ninja's power and breeding. So, successful Civilain strands fetishize the difference, to encourage mating protocols.

And thus, through basic Evolutionary psychology, we have established that Civilians in the elemental nations are hyper-sexual, hyper-fecund literal bastards with a universal ninja fetish and ALL OF THE KINKS. The Aburame Clan, as the kinkiest of Konoha's Clans, is literally drowning in Civilian Groupies.

The above chain of logic is entirely reasonable, and is, in fact, the only possible legitimate conclusion one can reach.

Click to shrink...

I cannot like this post enough times.

 

[Xicree]

Somehow I just feel like this belongs in here...


http://imgur.com/a/gc6Cc


... all for the Plan!

 

[Plotvitalnpc]

Somehow I just feel like this belongs in here...


http://imgur.com/a/gc6Cc


... all for the Plan!

Click to shrink...

...Like how they always word things in a way that implies the Uzumaki are descended from Hamura.

Which, I guess, is never technically declared untrue...
Being as how it's only said that the Uzumaki and Senju are distantly related...

...and it WOULD create an interesting divide of 'both brothers had a son who inherited their 'body' and a son who inherited their 'eyes''

*still going to insist that the Kaguya are Black Zetsu's kids*

 

[Adyen]

Somehow I just feel like this belongs in here...


http://imgur.com/a/gc6Cc


... all for the Plan!

Click to shrink...

Have a Like.

I can't even read that shit.

 

[HypoSoc]

Somehow I just feel like this belongs in here...


http://imgur.com/a/gc6Cc


... all for the Plan!

Click to shrink...

Clearly, as MIO's genetic stock is superior to Sasuke's, Hiashi will either try to pair her with Neji, or try to get her kid together with Bolt.

 

[SETIFAN]

Clearly, as MIO's genetic stock is superior to Sasuke's, Hiashi will either try to pair her with Negi, or try to get her kid together with Bolt.

Click to shrink...

Damn, Hiashi is greedy. First Ninja Jesus, now the bloodline of the Thousand Master...

 

[Makahl]

Damn, Hiashi is greedy. First Ninja Jesus, now the bloodline of the Thousand Master...

Click to shrink...

Ah, the return of eugenic wars2!Hiashi. I was wondering when that was going to turn u., Joke's on him though, no byakugan for ninja jesus babies .

 

[Plotvitalnpc]

Ah, the return of eugenic wars2!Hiashi. I was wondering when that was going to turn u., Joke's on him though, no byakugan for ninja jesus babies .

Click to shrink...

Apparently they don't visibly have the byakugan, but do have the effects...or some shit.
Bolt uses jyuuken.

Which is about the stupidest shit.

 

[GiftofLove]

Apparently they don't visibly have the byakugan, but do have the effects...or some shit.
Bolt uses jyuuken.

Which is about the stupidest shit.

Click to shrink...

The daughter has the Byakugan. I don't recall if Bolt has it or not, but he was supposed to according to notes.

 

[Chibi-Reaper]

"Riiight, don't do the thing, gotcha." you say, waving it off.

"I'm quite serious you know! Youthful error that it might be, there's little that can be done to help in a case like that. Bad enough if you find yourself in the pit of the Scorpions, who devour nine of every ten prospective summoners, but it's possible you may find yourself best suited to something that doesn't exist on this world at all." Gai warns, sternly.

"Not what I'm interested in, anyway."

"Ah? Sorry kiddo, but you're about ten years too young to come begging for a date." Trenchcoat-flasher Anko says, shrugging smugly.

"Haha, are you joking?" you laugh. "Or are you going cross-eyed? I am the one who gives rejections."

You squint and look between the two of them again.

"... And you know, when it comes down to it, kiiind of prefer the idea of some modesty in a potential wife, so, uuuuuuuh... that rules out both of you, really."

"I am not entirely comfortable having this conversation with an academy student." Gai admits, raising his arms up to cross over his chest. Pinkies out and hip quirked in a way that completely derails your train of thought into ever more baffling questions.

"Not Bad." you reply, instantly discarding all questions in favor of matching his pose and raising the stakes, with a lean and a raised hand in front of your face.

"Hm?" Gai answers, with hands behind his head and knees jutting forward, an air of nonchalance on his face as the muscles of his muscles bulge.

"Oh my god, why do I hang out with you." The Anko woman says, hiding her own face as she tries not to laugh.

"Yosh! The art of dramatic posing requires great strength and flexibility, in order to absolutely control your own body." Gai says, gesturing with one hand without moving anything else. "It's excellent Taijutsu training, even if you don't adhere to a specific form or stance!"

You respond with a quiet grunt, upping the ante with a tilted posture, knees together and feet as far apart as you can manage.

"Haha, give me a break... well, I'm out. They're doing a half-price hour sale at the dango place I like, so I can't miss it." the Anko woman says, walking away without the slightest look back.

"Huuuoooo! Abandoned by my training partner!" Gai wails theatrically, arms akimbo and balanced on one foot.

Honestly, you're going to have to cut this short. Not because it isn't amusing, but because the muscles in your legs are starting to tremble and so unless you get drastic and start doing handstands you're going to collapse not too long from now.

You lean in a way that would drop an ordinary person on their ass, pointing with one hand.

"That said... I understand that when it comes to thematic illusions, you're the man to see." you state. "And I'm interested in knowing more."

"Oho? I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." Gai replies, stroking his chin.

He grins and a glimmering flash reflects off the enamel of his teeth. Behind him, a flock of doves carry a rainbow on silken cords and your eyes whirl and whirl and whirl and you can't pick apart the pieces.

The hell is this? Is that even Genjutsu? No handsigns, you didn't catch the chakra expenditure, incredibly subtle... both there and not there, and even knowing it's an illusion it won't dispel.

What is this?

If that really is an illusion and not a flock of trained ninja doves, then for all that Gai is supposed to be a taijutsu specialist, you'd have to say that the area where he's a true genius is Genjutsu.

"Frankly speaking, helping out fellow ninja is fine, but Jounin aren't supposed to get too involved with the academy students before graduation." Gai says, still balanced on one foot, the other leg crossed up over his knee, squatting in place and resting his chin in his hand. He taps a couple of times, then shrugs expressively.

"Ahaha, but I suppose I can't just look away from the flower of another's youth, either!" he laughs. "Hm. Let me think... it should be fine just to give one or two tips for training, I would think? Assuming that they were earned. Ah! I happen to know a young genin who's looking for new opponents in team subdual training. If you could collect a couple of your friends, then that would be worth a little advice."

---

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