Commercial Break (Worm / Slut Life) (Borderline SFW)

[Grosstoad]

The twins picking their choices feels like padding up the chapter since they are picking some choices that weren't picked up, and forcing the readers to go through almost the same sequence again.

Plus infodumps on the choices as well.

 

[godzillahomer]

It's a bit hard to force yourself to think in terms of a 32 hour day without using visual aids. The scheduling spreadsheet I have helps me a lot with it, though.

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how does the clock timing even work

Military extending to 32 hundred hours?

16AM being midnight with 16PM being noon?

analog clocks would definitely look different

 

[Tortoise]

"Besides, you haven't taken you options yet.

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Also missing end quote.

"Now, before we move on to any adjustments are rewards you'd like to take,"

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It took awhile for the light show to stop, and once it did, Taylor was sleeping.

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Primary meaning of "awhile" is "for a while"; "a while" is preferable here.

When I tried to track it back, it led well outside of the solar system.

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remove

They may push the boundaries of your comfort zones, but going too far is a good way to their license revoked.

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This seems to be missing a word, like "a good way to get their license revoked"

In that case, we'll just submit the forms and we'll get you back to your bodies so you can finished growing

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The "we'll" is unnecessarily repeated.

The little monster lunged forward and wrapped it around Taylor's mini-dragon, nuzzling the surprised lizard's face.

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itself

 

[Jonakhensu]

Corrections

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Thanks, again. They should be fixed.

The twins picking their choices feels like padding up the chapter since they are picking some choices that weren't picked up, and forcing the readers to go through almost the same sequence again.

Plus infodumps on the choices as well.

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The twins picking their choices was a large part of displaying their characters. It was in no way intended as padding. As for feeling like the same sequence... I'm sorry, but that'll probably keep happening, since filling out forms is an integral part of the story. Writing them out also causes what I choose for people to change.

Also, I took the advice from the last time and didn't put in nearly as much concrete detail for what they chose, so I'm not sure I'd classify it as an info dump. Of course, that's just my opinion on it.

how does the clock timing even work

Military extending to 32 hundred hours?

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I'm using a 32-hour clock instead of a a 16-hour clock, since it's easier to keep track of things.

 

[Tortoise]

They should be fixed.

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"it led well outside of the solar system" still has the extra "of"

 

[godzillahomer]

"it led well outside of the solar system" still has the extra "of"

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still sounds ok to me, spoken language doesn't always have perfect grammar

 

[owrtho]

Also, non-euclidean ribbons.

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Probably not. Most non-euclidean geometry is not any more difficult to visually grasp than euclidean geometry. Really, they're just different methods of labeling coordinates, that might have some different implications on how objects act assuming they remain more or less consistent in regards to the coordinate system being used. The whole idea of non-euclidean geometry innately being more eldritch or difficult to map/track objects defined by such is an unfortunate result from Lovecraft's work, and while properly used, non-euclidean geometry could help enhance the alien nature of a place, what's really needed to get the effects people tend to think of when they hear "non-euclidean geometry" is actually 4+ dimensional space, which quite frankly also works to cause such outcomes if one is using euclidean geometry. Keep in mind that in this context I mean dimensions in the sense of width, depth, and height, not in the sense of alternate planes of existence (also time is not being counted as a dimension in this sense, though it could be used as one for additional confusion).

Additionally, assuming 4+ dimensions do exist, they are technically present everywhere already, and everything exists in all of such dimensions. The thing of note is not the object having those other dimensions, but rather how it moves through and/or perceives them. People only see and consciously move through 3 dimensions, but in a 3+ dimensional existence, this would just be a cross section of the full world around them, much like a square may in fact just be a cross section of a cube (just using higher dimensional shapes). Something that can freely perceive, or at least move in more than just the 3 classical dimensions could cause rather unusual results, such as the previously noted cube rotating to make the 3 dimensional cross section into a rectangle, octogon, or some other shape, or just shifting so a different part of the cube with perhaps difference colours is in the cross section.

In the case of the ribbons, the idea of them trailing off into additional dimensions is more likely the cause of being hard to track than non-euclidean geometry. Especially if the movement provides some limited ability to perceive that extra dimensional movement to the viewer, as they would presumably lack the normal perception or understanding to properly account for the enhanced perception, particularly if it only applies to the ribbons, giving them a very limited source of data to work with.

There's a fairly easy way for this to happen. That said, I also have been planning to change both versions to no longer care about initial sex, because magic.

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I'd actually suggest that rather than ignoring gender, they give a extra points if you pick the gender not matching your normal one. This would presumably result in changing genders on transformation which would thus be worth the extra points. Normally an argument might be made that that might be desirable of an outcome (and really that could be argued for a number of features that give extra points), but given slut life already lets people customize their body heavily, including changing their gender, it's rather likely the person will already be their preferred gender at the start, and can find other ways to swap gender at will that don't require being stuck as one gender while fighting enemies if they really want the option to toggle between the two (of course at that point they could probably go both magical boy and magical girl to end up with a magic powered form of each gender, but they'd still be stuck using the appropriate one for the given job slot).

owrtho

 

[Tortoise]

still sounds ok to me, spoken language doesn't always have perfect grammar

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There are no general grammar errors in dialogue otherwise though. As for why it's not OK, "outside" is used as a preposition here. When "inside" and "outside" are used as nouns they can be followed by "of" to indicate a possessive, but prepositions can't. "The inside of the barrel was coated in rust" is correct, but "there were bricks inside the barrel" must not have additional "of".

 

[edale]

Primary meaning of "awhile" is "for a while"; "a while" is preferable here.

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The main difference between "a while" and "awhile" is:

A while: Noun: "A period of time"
Awhile: Adverb: "For a time"

You are correct that "A while" is the correct usage here. Good catch. Though you should never use a word in it's own definition.

 

[owrtho]

Though you should never use a word in it's own definition.

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Technically, he did not. "Awhile" is a separate and distinct word from the words "a" and"while" even if there is a notable overlap in meaning due to shared etymological roots, and likely development.

owrtho

 

[Jonakhensu]

"it led well outside of the solar system" still has the extra "of"

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It's dialog, so I am less concerned about strict compliance with grammatical rules.

In the case of the ribbons, the idea of them trailing off into additional dimensions is more likely the cause of being hard to track than non-euclidean geometry

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This is, in fact, the effect I was going for.

There are no general grammar errors in dialogue otherwise though. As for why it's not OK, "outside" is used as a preposition here. When "inside" and "outside" are used as nouns they can be followed by "of" to indicate a possessive, but prepositions can't. "The inside of the barrel was coated in rust" is correct, but "there were bricks inside the barrel" must not have additional "of".

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I'll be honest, for the most part "there were bricks inside the barrel" and "there were bricks inside of the barrel" are just as likely to be used by real people in normal conversation, as far as I have seen and experienced. English is not a static language and pretending it is will only lead to aggravation on all fronts.

 

[Fencer]

A large gun formed in her hands, which she leveled toward the vortex, waiting for whatever emerged.

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ok... now you're just taunting. She got a gun probably what she planned for but we don't KNOW, not for certain anyway. Also I feel that I must point out, if Taylor's magical girl form is 12 a full sized sniper rifle may prove.... I won't say impossible, but lets go with difficult, to fire, or even hold properly. If you are planning to have her using her new magical girl powers in and out of magical girl form it may be wise to have the gun manifest at a scale size when she's magical girl and full size when not. Just food for thought.

 

[godzillahomer]

ok... now you're just taunting. She got a gun probably what she planned for but we don't KNOW, not for certain anyway. Also I feel that I must point out, if Taylor's magical girl form is 12 a full sized sniper rifle may prove.... I won't say impossible, but lets go with difficult, to fire, or even hold properly. If you are planning to have her using her new magical girl powers in and out of magical girl form it may be wise to have the gun manifest at a scale size when she's magical girl and full size when not. Just food for thought.

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personally, I can see the rifle working at full size

magic = powers
powers = bullshit

 

[Fencer]

personally, I can see the rifle working at full size

magic = powers
powers = bullshit

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Her hand might be too small to fit around the grip and pull the trigger. Bullshit is great but lets try not to ignore something obvious and easily fixed by just scaling the magically constructed weapon as apropriate.

 

[owrtho]

Her hand might be too small to fit around the grip and pull the trigger. Bullshit is great but lets try not to ignore something obvious and easily fixed by just scaling the magically constructed weapon as apropriate.

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Scaling the whole gun down may drastically reduce it's effectiveness. That said, certain relevant pieces, such as the grip and trigger could have the size adjusted without impairing the functionality of the gun the way changing the barrel and caliber of rounds would.

owrtho

 

[Fencer]

Scaling the whole gun down may drastically reduce it's effectiveness. That said, certain relevant pieces, such as the grip and trigger could have the size adjusted without impairing the functionality of the gun the way changing the barrel and caliber of rounds would.

owrtho

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Ok fair, that does make a bit more sense than what I was suggesting and would limit exposition to the bare minimum if the author decides to clarify the point.

 

[Da-Guru]

It's a bit hard to force yourself to think in terms of a 32 hour day without using visual aids. The scheduling spreadsheet I have helps me a lot with it, though.

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Dude here seriously has a spreadsheet for everything.

 

[Jonn Wolfe]

Ok,

1. QA-chan is adorable.
2. Seems that one of the twins is a futa with the puer power up.

Things seem to be moving along nicely to me.

Are you going to be going the full year in story, or as summaries? Seems like it'll take forever get back to Bet.

 

[TheEyes]

The twins picking their choices feels like padding up the chapter since they are picking some choices that weren't picked up, and forcing the readers to go through almost the same sequence again.

Plus infodumps on the choices as well.

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I didn't get the impression of padding, but I was annoyed at the way the girls seemed to be getting exploited. I mean, there's some inherent exploitation involved in speed-growing a clone and indenturing them to a television show where they are coerced into having sex on live television, but even besides that and taking into account that Taylor was herself coerced into signing away her virginity the person shepherding the twins through the process was remarkably cavalier about enticing them with frivolities. I guess it's not terribly unrealistic, since SL has a vested interest here in convincing these girls to sign on the dotted line by any means necessary, but compounded with the scummy way Taylor was railroaded into the program herself I'm amazed that Slut Life hasn't gone bankrupt from all the lawsuits that anyone who wasn't a naive, exploitable teenager would be filing in response to all this.

 

[edale]

Dude here seriously has a spreadsheet for everything.

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You have no idea.

I guess it's not terribly unrealistic, since SL has a vested interest here in convincing these girls to sign on the dotted line by any means necessary, but compounded with the scummy way Taylor was railroaded into the program herself I'm amazed that Slut Life hasn't gone bankrupt from all the lawsuits that anyone who wasn't a naive, exploitable teenager would be filing in response to all this.

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The twins don't get a choice about signing the dotted line, but they don't mind because that's how they were programmed.

Have fun with the implications of that thought.

As for Taylor's case... SL's kinda been going out of their way to do nice things for her that they don't really have to since then. free mansion upgrade, the bribe from the scientists (and everyone's initial reactions to that should clue you in to how exceedingly rare those benefits were), the extra magical girl tool bribe (that is a MAJOR power boost to what was already a more powerful Magical Girl setup than most get [the "full catalog" of magical girl powers mentioned in 1.2]).

That said, her recruitment was definitely shady (and I believe Ross admits, to himself, that the initial contract was actually illegal), and Taylor will be learning contract law during her run as part of her training for the recruiter position (I've said a few times that Taylor should try and finagle either the removal of a punishment or two, or the addition of a free Reward, or something like that, out of SL when she figures that out... Which will probably happen on-air now that I think on it...).

 

[Jonn Wolfe]

(I've said a few times that Taylor should try and finagle either the removal of a punishment or two, or the addition of a free Reward, or something like that, out of SL when she figures that out... Which will probably happen on-air now that I think on it...)

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That will be a shitstorm. Personally, I think she should get extra powers out of the deal. Telepathy would be my choice, but then I like OP!Taylor setups. Plus, there are a possible total of six she could get as a reward. That or a combat spaceship. Snipe Ziz from Lunar Orbit or some shit.

 

[godzillahomer]

That will be a shitstorm. Personally, I think she should get extra powers out of the deal. Telepathy would be my choice, but then I like OP!Taylor setups. Plus, there are a possible total of six she could get as a reward. That or a combat spaceship. Snipe Ziz from Lunar Orbit or some shit.

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I'd say go for 3 powers and get some perfected, less powers, but they're worth more without the draw backs

 

[Jonn Wolfe]

I'd say go for 3 powers and get some perfected, less powers, but they're worth more without the draw backs

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True. I forgot about the perfected power. Heh, could you imagine a Perfected Alexandria Twin Package?

 

[edale]

Not all powers have drawbacks. Keep in mind in most cases selected powers will be copied from some fictional (to the contestant) source, or copying a power someone from their home has. If you pick a power that does have a drawback, then you want perfected power.

As an example, say someone wants superspeed, so they ask for the powers of The Flash (DC comics).

In this case, it really depends on which Flash they ask for the powers of. I don't know enough of the lore to name which Flash it was, but one of them had a very bad end due to his power. Basically he eventually became so in tune with his speed, that he became unable to slow down and interact with humans anymore; He just ran around his city, watching people around him like statues stopping any crime he notices, becoming more of a semi-sentient force of nature than a human... Yea THAT version of the Flash's superspeed you'd want perfected, you'd be perfectly fine without perfecting most of the other version of The Flash though.

Now say you want Superman's powers. Most people would end up using all 3 power slots and still not fully copy his "base" powerset (he has a LOT of little side-powers). Someone adapt enough in his lore would use 1 powerslot for control of cosmic energy (I can't remember the specific name of it, but all superman's powers come from an innate Kryptonian ability to control a form of cosmic energy that can be described very similarly to zero-point energy), perfect that to gain the control necessary to reproduce Superman's abilities (and eliminate any potential weakness to kryptonite), and still have 2 non-perfected power slots to get something else.

... And I've really gone off on a tangent, haven't I? lol.

You can also use one power to negate the drawback of another, removing the need to perfect it. Example? Ultimate magical power, the magical forces contained within your body could rip you apart. So you also get super endurance or an immortal body, or something similar.

You can even get 2 powers that negate the drawbacks of each other, making either power stronger than it would be on it's own, agan negating the need for perfecting either of them. A good example of this would be Shoto from My Hero Academia. A fire power that causes your body to overheat if used too much, and an ice power that makes you extremely vulnerable to heat. There's a reason Endeavor is so sure Shoto can surpass him.

As a side note, anyone taking a Tinker power copied from a Worm-based universe really should perfect it to avoid the tinker trances (can't remember the term) and such.

 

[The Unicorn]

As a side note, anyone taking a Tinker power copied from a Worm-based universe really should perfect it to avoid the tinker trances (can't remember the term) and such.

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Unless there was something about them in Ward those are fanon.

 

[godzillahomer]

would be asking for powers based on Eidolon and perfecting them be cheating?

I think if that was possible, that'd be the wishing for more wishes thing

 

[Jonakhensu]

ok... now you're just taunting. She got a gun probably what she planned for but we don't KNOW, not for certain anyway.

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Sorry, that wasn't the intent. Don't worry, the gun will be used soon enough.

Also I feel that I must point out, if Taylor's magical girl form is 12 a full sized sniper rifle may prove.... I won't say impossible, but lets go with difficult, to fire, or even hold properly. If you are planning to have her using her new magical girl powers in and out of magical girl form it may be wise to have the gun manifest at a scale size when she's magical girl and full size when not. Just food for thought.

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personally, I can see the rifle working at full size

magic = powers
powers = bullshit

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I hope this helps explain how Taylor can use a gun while 12… or how another magical girl could potentially use a gun while 8.

Gun: Little girls with guns. What could go wrong? If you have the Void Glamour, then this will be your weapon. It can shoot your spells for increased range and shot speed. It can also shoot powerful, mana-efficient magic supper bullets.

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Arma B (Mana Cost: Minimal): You can control your spirit weapon telekinetically. Your strength and aim when wielding it are also doubled.

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Dude here seriously has a spreadsheet for everything.

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I still need to do something about keeping track of physical appearances, personalities, etc. as the cast continues to expand. I'm currently leaning more toward a google doc, rather than a spreadsheet, since I'm not dealing with stats like I was for PiM.

Are you going to be going the full year in story, or as summaries? Seems like it'll take forever get back to Bet.

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I'm definitely not planning on detailing all 274 days of the show, if that's what you're asking. I'll be doing interesting bits and plot/character development stuff as needed.

It'll probably still take a long time to get back to Bet, though.

I didn't get the impression of padding, but I was annoyed at the way the girls seemed to be getting exploited. I mean, there's some inherent exploitation involved in speed-growing a clone and indenturing them to a television show where they are coerced into having sex on live television, but even besides that and taking into account that Taylor was herself coerced into signing away her virginity the person shepherding the twins through the process was remarkably cavalier about enticing them with frivolities. I guess it's not terribly unrealistic, since SL has a vested interest here in convincing these girls to sign on the dotted line by any means necessary, but compounded with the scummy way Taylor was railroaded into the program herself I'm amazed that Slut Life hasn't gone bankrupt from all the lawsuits that anyone who wasn't a naive, exploitable teenager would be filing in response to all this.

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I'm not sure I got the same feeling for Violetta as you did. She was trying to have the girls get as much as they can with as easy a time as possible, with the hope that they would come back later for a full, proper run.

As for railroading, it doesn't happen that often except in areas it does. Of course, in those areas, good luck suing Slut Life. Hell, Taylor's not even the most railroaded character I've come up with.

Of course, that fiasco was before Bob Ross took over that section of Slut Life's operations...

The twins don't get a choice about signing the dotted line, but they don't mind because that's how they were programmed.

Have fun with the implications of that thought.

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But why would two minors need to sign the contract? Their acting guardian, Taylor, already signed the contract for them. Children can be legally bound by contracts signed by their legal guardians, after all.

As for Taylor's case... SL's kinda been going out of their way to do nice things for her that they don't really have to since then. free mansion upgrade, the bribe from the scientists (and everyone's initial reactions to that should clue you in to how exceedingly rare those benefits were), the extra magical girl tool bribe (that is a MAJOR power boost to what was already a more powerful Magical Girl setup than most get [the "full catalog" of magical girl powers mentioned in 1.2]).

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Her initial magical girl ritual wasn't actually more powerful than any other version would be… before she received the bribe. She was just given more options, rather than the one or two they usually give you.

As for that mansion upgrade… it wasn't actually free. Taylor just wasn't the one paying for it. Of course, she also doesn't know about the upgrade yet, so that should be interesting.

That said, her recruitment was definitely shady (and I believe Ross admits, to himself, that the initial contract was actually illegal), and Taylor will be learning contract law during her run as part of her training for the recruiter position (I've said a few times that Taylor should try and finagle either the removal of a punishment or two, or the addition of a free Reward, or something like that, out of SL when she figures that out... Which will probably happen on-air now that I think on it...).

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I haven't quite determined what Taylor will try to do once she finds out about this. It'll depend a lot on how things are going with the show as a whole at that point.

That will be a shitstorm. Personally, I think she should get extra powers out of the deal. Telepathy would be my choice, but then I like OP!Taylor setups. Plus, there are a possible total of six she could get as a reward. That or a combat spaceship. Snipe Ziz from Lunar Orbit or some shit.

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The severity of the shitstorm really comes down to how they play off the event. Remember, half of reality TV is scripted.

Taylor sniping Ziz, while amusing, probably won't be happening. It's probably mess up the plans I already want to use.

 

[edale]

Unless there was something about them in Ward those are fanon.

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From the wiki:

A typical tinker will start crafting their technology, but unlike a typical artisan's process the Tinker's will be interpolated with the shard stepping in during the process, using its exclusive features to tune the resulting technology.[27]​ The tinker typically enters a fugue state during the process, not noting when the shard might be augmenting a piece of material further then any process the tinker is visibly using.[28]

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You were saying?

Hell, Taylor's not even the most railroaded character I've come up with.

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The man's not lying.

...

And we've already met her.

*Whistles innocently.*

 

[The Unicorn]

From the wiki:
You were saying?

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The Wiki is not reliable, in this case the cite for that
1)Doesn't actually support the claim. All the cite says is that Tinkers who enter a trans state exist, and not all do, something VERY different than what the Wiki claims.
2)The origin of that cite is Wildbow's post on Redit, and Wildbow's posts are rather infamous. There's nothing in canon about Tinker trances.
3)If you go read Wildbow's entire post it's clear he's talking about the fact that Tinkers don't know how the technology they make work, but that everything else will vary from Tinker to Tinker, and there's even less support for the supposed trances than the out of context quote that already doesn't support the claim in the Wiki.

In short, yes I was saying it's fanon with no canon support.

 

[edale]

The Wiki is not reliable, in this case the cite for that
1)Doesn't actually support the claim. All the cite says is that Tinkers who enter a trans state exist, and not all do, something VERY different than what the Wiki claims.
2)The origin of that cite is Wildbow's post on Redit, and Wildbow's posts are rather infamous. There's nothing in canon about Tinker trances.
3)If you go read Wildbow's entire post it's clear he's talking about the fact that Tinkers don't know how the technology they make work, but that everything else will vary from Tinker to Tinker, and there's even less support for the supposed trances than the out of context quote that already doesn't support the claim in the Wiki.

In short, yes I was saying it's fanon with no canon support.

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1) From the cite:

Some tinkers might tune out at some point in the process, they might get into the zone, black out, or lose track of time. Other stay lucid but might only do certain things at different points in the project because they 'feel right' or because of ideas in their heads about wanting things to stay balanced or to maintain a seemingly logical flow of A to B to C, conveniently skipping why it was seemingly logical in the first place - if pressed they would have a hard time explaining.

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You were saying?
2) WoG is still canon. Next you're gonna try telling me that Leet's Shard isn't trying to kill him.
3) Read the entire post by Wildbow again, he's explaining how and why some Tinkers go into a fugue state, which is basically that their Shards hijack them to make their projects work.

Now the severity of the fugue state is entirely fanon. Tinkers aren't driven to near insanity if they can't Tinker for a few hours, as an example (though there IS a psychological influence from their Shard pushing them to Tinker).

That said I'm reasonably sure at one point in canon Kid Win mentions unintentionally taking apart some of his earlier inventions to make something he was working on earlier in his 'career'.