Esquestria: The House of the Sun - A pony cultist experience

[DelightedOne]

Doing Nothing grants "Dire consequences" while Inspiration has Soft do what Velvet wants though.

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Riiiiiiiiight, Wolf fan doesn't care about stains level, at least not the type of care to avoid them increasing.

And yeah, I doubt anyone will seriosly vote for nothing when our options are already this bad(so the consequence should be downright awful).

All In all though I dislike Freedom and Nothing due to how they involve Velvet treating Soft in their relationship. Way too clingy and not nearly accepting enough

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Freedom is a gift Shaper, no matter what. And Soft not being aware she is in a cult IS a valid concern in this case.

Agree with you on Nothing.

 

[Maer]

Oh wow...

This was delightful.

No, really, this was very, very good! Thank you so much for sharing it with us!

This was good in a "I actually want more of it" kind of way. I have a few notes, if you absolutely don't mind, but I definitely want to know where this is going.

Now, about those notes, I am only mentioning these things because I understand you to say that you want to improve your writing. So although I am not an authority in any of this, these are my two cents of what stuck out while I was reading.

First of all, these next few points aren't "negatives". But they definitely stuck out while I read through it:
-Sometimes you reversed to using "people" and other human describers. Especially closer to the end of the story. Seeing this always puts a smile on my face, because I can TELL that you were typing so quickly and so excitedly that those things just ran through the cracks. However, reading about a "person" with a "cutie mark" was definitely a small bump on the reading road.
-You also mentioned... I will have to go back and check, but I swore Weaver's story took place in a larger city. And here, he definitely returns to his "apartment", which I don't think exist in Ponyville yet. So, that definitely made me raise an eyebrow when Granny Smith was mentioned. Now, I completely understand mentioning named characters to give the readers something to ground themselves on. But for city-dwellers to have "Granny Smith" in their vocabulary without further explanation. I know she is an important figure in Ponyville, but if you weren't born and raised there, that wouldn't be a bonding point between you and your boss.

Now, for the things that I loved!
I seriously enjoyed the bleakness of the world. And I don't mean this in a "doom and gloom" way, but that felt like it was even bleaker than the Equestria of this quest.
I would expect that level of Overpowering Depression immediately after the Catastrophe. But after Cadance's wedding, the world in your story was one I would expect from maybe after we reach 4 or 5 Stains. Still, it was awesome.
You mentioned that using less Lore colors made it feel more bleak and sad, and I agree. But it was ina very atmospheric way.
I also absolutely loved the way you described his circumstances. I won't try to invent new vocabulary like "he had a Wolf Wound" or anything like that. But you managed to make it more visceral and personal even from the point of view of a character who didn't know what he had. The description of "I am exhausted and in pain, and it is so much that I can't even feel empathy anymore" struck a very deep chord. And that was awesome!

All in all, I unironically read this latest version while I had the previous version open in another tab, and I wholeheartedly agree this was an awesome improvement!

And again, "I liked this and I would like more of it, please "

So thank you for sharing it! And have a good one.

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Thank you! I'll edit this one, and then work on the next.

Now, to the points that you mentioned:

1. I didn't notice those. I'll go through and fix them in the editing. Thank you for pointing it out to me!

2. I imagine he's living in Manehatten, so that is true. From the show, I was under the impression that the Apple family apples are one of the BIG NAMES of food in Equestria. Kind of like Round Up and Monsanto was THE big name in the farming and weed-killing industries until relatively recently. If that's not true, or not canon for this Quest, I'm happy to change it, but that was my understanding. Especially with their 'zap apple' stuff.

For the Love section…

1. Bleakness. In this case, it's a mix of the sheer difference between Manehatten and Ponyville in the show, and in-quest darkness. Ponyville and similarly small towns in the show were shown to be bright, cheerful, and the best of the ideals of Equestria, with some exceptions. Manehatten by contrast, and even Canterlot in many episodes- feel significantly cooler and more 'realistic'. Friendliness isn't as common and people are generally less supportive of each other. Mix that in with the added paranoia and Evil, and the general emotional downturn caused by The Catastrophe, and I'm viewing this place as both already darker by nature, then hit by a grand tragedy, and then not many people trusting one another to have a support system. It's only so bleak here because they aren't pulling together like Ponyville and other more tightly knit communities have been. Or… that's the biggest reason. The presence of Cultists with no leash isn't exactly helping, though…~

2. A second reason it's so bleak right now, is that Ashen himself is dealing with 'Wolf Wounds'. That makes it harder to empathize with others, but he also got his Winter and Heart poisoned by a Wolf insight. That's tainting the very way he views the world in very dark ways. That's better now that his Heart is better, but it'll traits him some time to get back to his more Harmony-focused view. It will still be pretty bleak, but Ashen was always going to be a person slowly clawing his way up with both a learning disability (better suited to Harmony than The Lores), no proper teacher, active attempts to poison his understanding (Wolf), the government after people like him, and a world actively fighting his ascension (again, Wolf). Compared to Velvet, he's… I wouldn't say he has it worse, but he's certainly not going to have a good time of things.



Overall, thank you so much! If any of my logic or reasoning doesn't feel correct, feel free to point it out so I have a better understanding of the world when writing the next part, but it is so wonderfully encouraging to see both praise and constructive criticism. Thank you!

 

[Bakkasama]

[X] Plan: Goodbye Uncle Steppes