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SHINOBI: The RPG - Act 2 (Naruto/Fallout SI)

Reader mode
For the most part I think you're doing an okay job with the honeymoon writing, given the characters your having to work with here. Daisuke is literally the definition of rushing things and also having to try and deal with godhood, while Anko is trying to deal with her PTSD alongside her new goddess hood, all while they both just got married what, a few days ago at most? It reads like a slice of life with a dysfunctional feel to it, which is pretty much the entire situation with them currently. They're trying to get most things out of the way so they can enjoy their honeymoon without all these thoughts randomly popping up in their own heads every now and then, and then steadily deal with them after the honeymoon is over, which I can get. Be that as it may though, I can tell your more.... sensual efforts at writing are coming off more as a logical way of thought that actual sensual feelings coming off the characters. I'd offer advice on the whole thing but I'm not sure it'd really do any good and could even hamper your writing as a whole, since my experience with these sorta things stems from a third person style of writing instead of first person, and as I'm currently trying to write a story in first person and can tell i'm pretty bad at that style of writing, can't really say anything helpful.
 
MiraiGW said:
For the most part I think you're doing an okay job with the honeymoon writing, given the characters your having to work with here.
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Thank you, I appreciate it. :)

MiraiGW said:
I can tell your more.... sensual efforts at writing are coming off more as a logical way of thought that actual sensual feelings coming off the characters.
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*curses overly logical brain*

WHY CAN'T YOU DO EMOTION PROPERLY?!?

...you're right, though. The other problem is that, well, I've never been in this situation or even close to that in real life.
 
Fulcon said:
It's possible...
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Ahh the infamous 'Clan Restoration Act' from fanon to justify shameless harem shenanigans in fanfiction stories, because people can't write proper romance or they don't want to make any single, far more reasonable choice. Newsflash for those people - someone always will be unhappy if there is conflict of interested between attracted to each other people. And even if, a current couple may always break up and seek new partners, this time a girl (or a guy) may get who she/he wants this time around.

And honestly 'and they lived happy together till the end of their days' is close to being almost impossible and people very rarely end up in one relationship for the rest of their lifes. Current divorce statistics brutally prove it. Those are extremely rare for a reason.

To be fair this doesn't hold up to realities of canon really, like at all, at least in Konohagakure from what we know. If this was the case, Sasuke wouldn't end up in just a relationship with Sakura and only ended up with one child. He would insist have at least one wife and few concubines to replace the numbers. Kind of the same with Naruto here. I think my theory here is that shinobi believe that some 'things simply end in some sort of natural order' and take it with reasonably calm stoicism. If something ends, then it ends and so be it.

Fulcon said:
Not surprising, I've never written a pair of newlyweds before. Thank you for your clarification.
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I simply take it as a 'filler' chapter as you simply can't keep doing the same thing again and again. I think what I would consider doing it next time is remove sex related directly talks, especially now that they discussed those things with each other and focus on other topics. But I think it also works in a way that they completely rushed this whole marriage and by definition it will automatically make things more awkard, so I think it's more or less ok, especially for the first time.

Galacticplumber said:
Ah violence related impatience. This is why I have multiple sources of entertainment. If I want a particular flavor that one isn't doing, I can just do something else for a few minutes to an hour. Violence flavor of late is incredible hulk ultimate destruction. For when one must break ALL the things. Very apt title.
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Pretty much this. I read LOTS of books and fanfiction till this day. If I need something specific, I will simply look for alternatives. And from my experience I find violence actually one of those things that gets boring really, really fast in excessive amounts and even in shounen series there are periods of 'rest' between fights.
 
Kejmur said:
But I think it also works in a way that they completely rushed this whole marriage and by definition it will automatically make things more awkard, so I think it's more or less ok, especially for the first time.
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See, that's the problem. They rushed it. Which means that, as two people who are trying to be communicative, they have to talk about it!

...of course, now that I've had them talk about it, I can skip having them talk more for another five to ten chapters and just focus on wave...until Daisuke's honeymoon gets interrupted by Naruto getting the Kyuubi half shoved into him.

I'm sorry, guys, this is new territory for me and I really, really don't know how to handle it.
 
The restoration act is one of those things that definitely wasn't shown in canon, but makes absolute, total sense in a world where it is brutally demonstrated time and again that bloodlines win wars and are things villages will gladly kill/steal for.

No this doesn't mean I expect it to necessarily create healthy/stable romances. More legitimized flings supported by government funding, and all that implies in terms of half siblings and awkwardness.

That doesn't mean it isn't still the expected outcome when blood can and often does win wars.
 
Basically the way I always imagined something like the Clan Restoration Act in fanon is that there would be two variants of it. Either a clan that only has a few members left would allow any of the males to marry more than one woman in order to keep the clan going, and in hopes of increasing it's population.

If there's only a single member left though, or if a new candidate for a bloodline were to show up (like in Daisuke's case), I see it as a variant of that, maybe even called Clan Creation Act or something like it, where the sole member of the clan would essentially be encouraged to spread their seed as wildly as possible if male, or be encouraged to have lots of children from a strong man/man from another bloodline that could have positive interactions with the bloodline, if the survivor is female.

I could see the council trying to essentially force this in darker fanfics, where a sole surviving female might even turn out to become little better than a "broodmother", essentially going from pregnancy, to recovery from pregnancy, to getting pregnant again, and a male might end up being basically pimped out to any civilian woman willing or clan member available if the bloodline was strong enough. For example, if a boy were to show up with the Mokuton naturally, and not as a result of Hashirama cells, I'd bet the council would just throw women at him as soon as his body was even capable of getting a girl pregnant.

Thankfully, this fanfic isn't anywhere near that dark, so I don't think it would end up like that :).
 
Real talk, I don't think something like the 'clan restoration act' would be necessary since Harem's are a historical thing.

...though I don't know if they happened in the Singoku Jidai (which Naruto is based on) for sure. Anyone care to fill me in?
 
In a world where war is a constant, and having babies with a dude with laser vision has a good chance of having kids with laser vision, Harem-ing up with said dude is something I cannot see as anything but socially acceptable. Perhaps not COMMON, but its sort of "Yeah, he's got enough power/influence to validate this decision" and then it becomes a "clan business" thing, where it's on THEM to really try and make it work.

The thing about harems that rarely gets addressed is that balancing romantic relationships is HARD WORK, and adding more people only makes it even more difficult, because each additional person adds another hub to the flow chart. And ANY legitimate hostility between two will inevitably cause problems with everyone else.

Historical Harems also tended to be highly political entities with all kinds of internal politicking, and similarly they wielded a lot more political power than the modern power fantasy of what they were like. It might be impossible for YOU to get a meeting with the Sultan, but if your wife plays her cards right she might be able to make it happen through them.
 
An Uncomfortable Truth

So, the past few chapters, me looking over them and confiding with some of the more...experienced people reading the story, I have come to a very...disquieting revelation.

I am really, really, really bad at writing anything involving romance.

That honestly shouldn't be surprising to me. I've only had one girlfiend and she dated me because she wanted a boyfriend, not because she actually liked me. Lots and lots of SHINOBI: The RPG's meat is being based on my personal experience and I've, well, got no experience in this area. So I've got one thing and one thing alone to fall back on: My research and my logic. The problem is that relationships live and die on their emotional weight and I don't have any experience with that at all.

So, naturally, if you think what I'm writing in regards to Anko and Daisuke is garbage, well...that's because it is. It's based on an intellectual knowledge of what the subject is and not on the understanding and empathy that comes with experience. It's part of why Anko and Daisuke are so blunt with each other. Quite frankly, ladies and gentlemen, I suck. I mean, I'm going to leave the chapters dealing with Anko and Daisuke up as a testament to my terrible writing. I'm not ashamed of it, but I am embarrassed.

The bind I'm in is that I really want to write it out and I have no idea how to improve.

I don't think there's an issue with how fast they got married, if only because Daisuke was looking to turn the 'Willing Slave thing' into something that wouldn't annihilate her emotionally and loving her hit like a nuke (because that's how he does things...it's in character). The issue is how things have been executed past that.

Obviously, most of you are better than me in this area. So I ask...please...rip it apart. Frankly, it's only right to ask. I didn't mean to feed you guys mediocre anything, but if I hadn't have done this, I wouldn't have known that this is something I need to work on. So I apologize and I thank you for being willing to stick with me as I try to patch this unacceptable hole in my writing ability.
 
Fulcon said:
Real talk, I don't think something like the 'clan restoration act' would be necessary since Harem's are a historical thing.

...though I don't know if they happened in the Singoku Jidai (which Naruto is based on) for sure. Anyone care to fill me in?
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Honestly the minutia of how it's labeled is unimportant. The important bit is what's actually allowed/happens.

Also I base my arguments on what's logical less on historical context and more on the demonstrated extreme elements of the setting on the grounds I feel they'd have the greatest effects on things. Historical context is more of a tiebreaker for when I can't decide which way an unknown element goes. Not to say historical context isn't valuable. Just making clear my framework.

Even still we both seem to have a similar map of what happens/is allowed so no reason to make a fuss. As the last guy noted I'd say harems are totally allowed, but smart people work hard and tread carefully with them. Whether it actually happens and with who is going to fall mostly on the characters themselves as the governments have long lost the monopoly on force/leverage necessary to dictate things.
 
Reminds me of that game developer who was criticized for a sub-par romance plotline. He apologized, as he had never known romantic love before, so all he had to go off of was stories.
 
Personally I'm willing to let any oddness slide on a combination of such making sense in-character for a variety of reasons, the fact it's a piece of a side plot, and the general strength of the rest of the work.

Daisuke is a wildly abnormal person with no romantic experience. Anko is a relatively well adjusted wildly abnormal person with fling romantic experience whose neurosis cluster has her partner at the direct center.

Neither thing leads to a gradual, normal, non-silly romance path. That's okay though. That was never going to happen. It's wonky, but fittingly so in my eyes.

There are three possible methods to respond to this. Have the romance happen, but increase the off-screen to on-screen ratio due to embarrassment. Attempt to change portrayal experimentally until it feels right, mirroring an experimenting couple. Or finally lean into the wonky as a deliberate portrayal.

Having never seen this kinda situation play out before, I have no data whatsoever on what method would work best, and see all as valid. Just listed off all roads I could see.
 
Fulcon said:
Ain't that the truth...who was this guy?
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This guy.

kf8dete75kl21.png
 
Galacticplumber said:
There are three possible methods to respond to this. Have the romance happen, but increase the off-screen to on-screen ratio due to embarrassment. Attempt to change portrayal experimentally until it feels right, mirroring an experimenting couple. Or finally lean into the wonky as a deliberate portrayal.
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*nods nods*

Good ideas, actually. I'll probably do the second one, just because I know how I write and realize that it's basically inevitable.

Lazurman said:
This guy.
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Hm.

Never heard of the game.
 
It's an indie. Not a lot of people hear about those, up until they suddenly become Minecraft.
 
In addition to the contents of this speech, love is RARE. Yes it tends to be full ulterior motives, little painful bits, insecurities, jealousies, and so on. Nothing in the world is without flaws, NOT EVEN ME! That just means you have to treasure the good things you DO get to experience. The alternative is a misery spiral where nothing meets unflinching standards and thus sucks.
 
Galacticplumber said:
In addition to the contents of this speech, love is RARE. Yes it tends to be full ulterior motives, little painful bits, insecurities, jealousies, and so on. Nothing in the world is without flaws, NOT EVEN ME! That just means you have to treasure the good things you DO get to experience. The alternative is a misery spiral where nothing meets unflinching standards and thus sucks.
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That made me feel better.

I mean, Daisuke and Anko's relationship was meant to be disfuctional. I mean, they're aware of it's disfunctionality, but it is meant to be disfunctional.
 
Fulcon said:
An Uncomfortable Truth

So, the past few chapters, me looking over them and confiding with some of the more...experienced people reading the story, I have come to a very...disquieting revelation.

I am really, really, really bad at writing anything involving romance.

That honestly shouldn't be surprising to me. I've only had one girlfiend and she dated me because she wanted a boyfriend, not because she actually liked me. Lots and lots of SHINOBI: The RPG's meat is being based on my personal experience and I've, well, got no experience in this area. So I've got one thing and one thing alone to fall back on: My research and my logic. The problem is that relationships live and die on their emotional weight and I don't have any experience with that at all.

So, naturally, if you think what I'm writing in regards to Anko and Daisuke is garbage, well...that's because it is. It's based on an intellectual knowledge of what the subject is and not on the understanding and empathy that comes with experience. It's part of why Anko and Daisuke are so blunt with each other. Quite frankly, ladies and gentlemen, I suck. I mean, I'm going to leave the chapters dealing with Anko and Daisuke up as a testament to my terrible writing. I'm not ashamed of it, but I am embarrassed.

The bind I'm in is that I really want to write it out and I have no idea how to improve.

I don't think there's an issue with how fast they got married, if only because Daisuke was looking to turn the 'Willing Slave thing' into something that wouldn't annihilate her emotionally and loving her hit like a nuke (because that's how he does things...it's in character). The issue is how things have been executed past that.

Obviously, most of you are better than me in this area. So I ask...please...rip it apart. Frankly, it's only right to ask. I didn't mean to feed you guys mediocre anything, but if I hadn't have done this, I wouldn't have known that this is something I need to work on. So I apologize and I thank you for being willing to stick with me as I try to patch this unacceptable hole in my writing ability.
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Good relationships are built on communication and empathy.

Writing good relationships has emotion behind them, people do NOT just magically get along, they fight, they argue. Sometimes about stupid shit. Actually most of the time about stupid shit. The Hokage asking if there was anything they thought was wrong with them is actually pretty on point, because being able to recognize you have your faults is a absolute MUST for any serious relationships. They also will get on each others nerves, but for shit that they never considered a problem. Pacing? Meh whatever, WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING DO THE DISHES. I DON'T CARE IF YOU NORMALLY DECIDE TO NOT EAT ANYTHING!

Arguments like this usually happen because both people aren't on the same page. In this instance Dai feels like when he isn't part of eating, he shouldn't need to worry about the clean up. Anko feels like they should uphold equal if sometimes different responsibilities even if it isn't always necessary. TALKING is how you fix this, unfortunately some people instead of talking let their frustration build up, or get very defensive in their position if they feel like they are being blamed.

The other side of the coin is trying to think about how actions will make someone feel, and including them in your decision making process. Not including your significant other in your big decisions almost always causes a big fight, because it was like their input didn't matter. This is probably going to be a big one for the happy couple in the story. The Daisuke train doesn't really have any breaks, and while Anko probably realizes this, sooner or later she's going to feel kinda shitty. Even being immortal wont fix the disparity that Gamer! powers can give in terms of skills and abilities. He isn't really GOING to be a perfectly equal partner in the relationship.

I have a strong notion Anko is setting up a Harem; Ironically, Harem solution actually helps with the inequality of power, because annoying your waifu is bad but you can make it up to her. Annoying all the waifu can end your laifu. Or at the very least have all those sexy, intelligent, important woman in your life whome you care about, now working together to show you how angry they are at your stupid decisions. Basically it gives more feedback that you have to pay attention to.

You havn't done anything wrong relstionship wise for these characters other than a) Relationship too fast, which people do IRL, and is in line with your characterizations thus far. and b) Harem Ending (Unconfirmed) which is more a western morality kind of thing in terms of realism/acceptability.

One thing for sure, is that while these women might be willing to take a subserviant position, I cannot imagine that Kunoichi are going to become totally submissive, they are taught to use their brains and cunning and solve problems, simply bowing their heads in submission isn't going to happen. And if they do, Daisuke should become very very worried about the terrible things that the action is foretelling.
 
BOTH Daisuke and Anko know an instantaneous cleaning jutsu. Daisuke could literally unmake and remake anything that gets dirtied/damaged around the house at whim.

I could see communication being a thing, MAYBE, but house chores are quite literally a snap.
 
First and foremost, never heard of the whole 'clan restoration act' fan theory, but I admittedly don't really go and check out fan related things aside from fan art and the occasional fanfic, so yeah. Will say I can see the whole harem thing being a possibility simply because Anko wants a large family and Daisuke wants one to, along with how they got married so quickly and her knowing how many of the girls/women in Daisuke's life feel about him..... it's possible she could be thinking not only about themselves but the others as well since it doesn't seem like a large number of women want to actually... well get it on with him; or get into a relationship either. Far as she knows it's just Ino and Hisako right? and while she might want a large family I doubt she wants to give birth to one simply cause it'd hurt. It'd hurt a LOT, so more women the less pain? plenty of reasons could be up in the air. Though that's if it's the harem theory she's got on her mind and not something else entirely.

I've been thinking about what advice I could give ya for romance, how to write it and the like, and the best I could give you would be to just watch romantic movies honestly. Sounds weird, or corny, but that's how I pretty much learned romance and at the very least it'd be a decent thing to start with, like laying the ground work ya know?
 
MudkipSage said:
Good relationships are built on communication and empathy.
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*nods nods*

Thank you for this, this was really, really helpful. Have a plate of cookies.

Galacticplumber said:
BOTH Daisuke and Anko know an instantaneous cleaning jutsu. Daisuke could literally unmake and remake anything that gets dirtied/damaged around the house at whim.
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This is also true.

I admit to having a lot of their chapters being about communicating (about sex, because that's what they both have on their mind) just to set up the groundwork for them to be able to communicate their actual issues later.

Have a cookie.

MiraiGW said:
I've been thinking about what advice I could give ya for romance, how to write it and the like, and the best I could give you would be to just watch romantic movies honestly.
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That reminds me of some advice I heard years ago about how to get better with women: watch romantic movies (the ones where they've got two or more guys fighting for their affections) and base your behavior on the woman. I don't know how valid this advice is (I haven't tried to impliment it yet) but it sounds good.

Thank you again, have a cookie.
 
MudkipSage said:
Random question, I read most of Act 1, and was very surprised bit and was mostly curious when I saw this on QQ, but didint you have a BROB as the BBEG? I get the feeling I missed a lot.
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That's Apocrypha. I wound up rewriting the end of Act 1 and am currently rewriting Act 2 in it's entirety.
 
So, what do his children inherit? His adamantium skeleton, yes, but his nature transformations? Intelligence and charisma?
 
RichardWhereat said:
So, what do his children inherit? His adamantium skeleton, yes, but his nature transformations? Intelligence and charisma?
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Personal hands on training from the man who knows any jutsu. Also familial relations to the most powerful man in the world.

Any child of his is going to be a combat monster.
 
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I meant genetically inherit. But yeah, if Daisuke became a Jonin sensei, his kids would be s ranked in only a few years.
 
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