SHINOBI: The RPG - New Game

[Fulcon]

I'll point out that all writing is the prototype of later less bad writing. It's an Elder Scrolls skill system thing, and most of us start in the low 20s if we're lucky.

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Which means that, no matter what, I'm going to eventually hate what I write.

...I'm scared, plumber. Hold me.

I figure one way to achieve an success is to convince Hisako with his low charisma so she'd convince the other. Leverage her superior charisma by deligation.

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That is actually what I went for in the previous draft, helped along by factors outside of Daisuke or even Hisako's control. I think it's a good idea, still, even if my execution was lacking.

Funnily enough, I have an image of him setting up overly complex dominos that would puzzle anyone who isn't a genius. It's not his characterization so far... but that 10 intelligence and luck just... makes me think...

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And now I've got another idea I want to use for a future story. Because it could work really well.

Thank you, have a cookie.

That shit is how you assume newbies get murdered on their first mission outside the village, and you're having NONE OF IT!

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I mean, you're not wrong. Have another cookie.

 

[Galacticplumber]

Look at it this way Fulcon, it also means that your writing will also be so exponentially you'll be disgusted with what you're doing now. Accept it. Live it. Love it.

 

[seraphi]

I googled your story last night to re-read it after all this time and found the rewrite. Can wait to see what you do with it.

 

[Fulcon]

Look at it this way Fulcon, it also means that your writing will also be so exponentially you'll be disgusted with what you're doing now. Accept it. Live it. Love it.

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I don't want to love it, though...D:

I want my writing to be treasures forever.

I googled your story last night to re-read it after all this time and found the rewrite. Can wait to see what you do with it.

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I...huh. People are still reading the fic. That...is surprising.

Well, welcome good friend. Have a cookie.

 

[Galacticplumber]

There are two axis on a sliding scale in situations like this. Learning to love the positives of the world you live in, or focusing on hating the negatives. One side has, in native terms of applicants, Hashirama and Naruto. The other has Danzo and Sasuke. The middle has indecisive moody people at various intensities. Where do you want to live Fulcon?

 

[Darkarma]

Looks like Daisuke's is taking care of his Charisma score issues early on like a proper munchkin. Right outfit with Henge, he'll be practically normal. If he can learn some advance fuuinjutsu, he might be able to make an object that'll Henge him without the necessary upkeep.

 

[Fulcon]

Where do you want to live Fulcon?

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It's not where I want to live. It's where I own the property.

Looks like Daisuke's is taking care of his Charisma score issues early on like a proper munchkin.

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Darn straight.

Do you know how dumb it is that the charisma issue went on for so long in the previous draft?

...I mean, you do, but I'm just saying!

Welcome, have a cookie.

 

[l---erddad---l]

The lampshading about the changed from v1 to New Game gets a bit much occasionally, but that's just something to keep in mind: Most of the time, I'm cracking a wide grin. I love your writing, and am excited to sees how you rewrite this.

 

[Warer]

Better than ever❤

 

[Fulcon]

The lampshading about the changed from v1 to New Game gets a bit much occasionally

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Ah...yeah. That's mostly because I'm trying to put in everyone's minds that things are different this draft so there's no point in trying to say something is bad because Daisuke's taking a different approach this time.

Most of the time, I'm cracking a wide grin. I love your writing, and am excited to sees how you rewrite this.

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I'm really glad to hear that! I love making people smile, have a cookie.

Better than ever❤

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You get a cookie too.

 

[Galacticplumber]

Ah. Several reasonably high quality works have reawakened, Persona 4 Golden exists on a platform that isn't the Vita, and I am semi deliriously full to bursting on garlic butter enhanced shrimp fried rice. This has been a good week.

 

[HypoSoc]

Huh. Your author's note directly addressed every single reason I dropped your original fic. Which is great, because I remember really liking the story until the Alnost Perfect moment and what followed.

I am happy to see this is being rewritten.

 

[dragondude]

I've been around since the first rewrite, and I have to agree that the story stumbled around the time daisuke got almost perfect. At the same time, I like the world building aspect of an overpowered daisuke and how he warps politics around him. With no almost perfect, godmode, or pulling jutsu out of a hat, he's not so overwhelmingly powerful. Which less focus on world adjusting to daisuke, something I found enjoyable even if it caused problems for the story in other ways.


I think the new chapters are enjoyable and set a stronger foundation for what comes ahead. Keep going strong, I look forward to the result.

 

[Fulcon]

I am happy to see this is being rewritten.

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I'm very glad you are, I was afraid I was going to lose everyone when I decided to throw everything out and start fresh, and I'm glad that this doesn't seem to be the case. Welcome back, have a cookie.

I've been around since the first rewrite, and I have to agree that the story stumbled around the time daisuke got almost perfect. At the same time, I like the world building aspect of an almost perfect daisuke and how he warps politics around him. I was looking forward to daisuke using healing at naruto's chuunin exam as bribe and leverage for the elite, and using education and economic to reform society.

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I'm going to be honest, it sounds like a great idea on paper, but stumbles horrifically because A: no matter what happens, the people who disagree with your political opinion will raise hell over it and B: I hate politics. So if someone else wants to try that, I'll let them. But I can't do it.

I think the new chapters are enjoyable and set a stronger foundation for what comes ahead.

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And that's the goal! Thank you for your input, have a cookie.

 

[dragondude]

Well, if orochimaru's serum still exists, then maybe he can replicate it and reach the heights of conventional superhuman ninjaing even if doesn't match naruto and sasuke for OPness.

Using maito gai and hiruzen for bench marks as the height for normal ninja, since they supposedly don't have bloodline limits. Still really, really good but not reshaping ninja world politics with ease good.

 

[Fulcon]

Well, if orochimaru's serum still exists, then maybe he can replicate it and reach the heights of conventional superhuman ninjaing even if doesn't match naruto and sasuke for OPness.

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I don't know if I'll keep the serum. It literally only existed as a plot device to give Daisuke perfect 10's. But since I have other methods of getting Daisuke perfect 10's, ones that actually make sense and aren't stupid, I might not keep them. At least, not in the same form.

Still really, really good but not reshaping ninja world politics with ease good.

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Thank goodness. I'll leave politics to people who enjoy writing that sort of thing.

 

[Galacticplumber]

Well, if orochimaru's serum still exists, then maybe he can replicate it and reach the heights of conventional superhuman ninjaing even if doesn't match naruto and sasuke for OPness.

Using maito gai and hiruzen for bench marks as the height for normal ninja, since they supposedly don't have bloodline limits. Still really, really good but not reshaping ninja world politics with ease good.

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Being as skilled as hiruzen, with the vitality of youth, and a maximum of 25 perks some of which count as miniature bloodlines in themselves.... Yeah I don't think our boy is gonna have trouble keeping up even without pulling jutsu out of his ass.

Max skills and feats existing is a hell of a drug.

 

[dragondude]

Being as skilled as hiruzen, with the vitality of youth, and a maximum of 25 perks some of which count as miniature bloodlines in themselves.... Yeah I don't think our boy is gonna have trouble keeping up even without pulling jutsu out of his ass.

Max skills and feats existing is a hell of a drug.

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Yeah, really, really, good. Just not, omg what is he, this is unprecedented.

Someone else like hiruzen existing is notable but not world changing.

Which might be better for the story.

 

[Galacticplumber]

Yeah, really, really, good. Just not, omg what is he, this is unprecedented.

Someone else like hiruzen existing is notable but not world changing.

Which might be better for the story.

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I'm not sure you understand. Hiruzen is max skills. Daisuke is max skills and 25 feats. they aren't similar ideas. One is the basis by which we transform to ballpark the other..... Accounting for low power or skill acquisition feats.... lets say like fifteen times. Stuff like a jutsu per hand is not a minor difference.

 

[Hadrian810]

I...huh. People are still reading the fic. That...is surprising.

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There aren't a lot of decent gamer fics out there. I automatically discard the short ones because the early part is all setup and is basically a prompt until it continues. Combine that with this using the fallout system and its even more unique.

 

[Galacticplumber]

No kidding. Gamer fics have this tendency of going massively dormant all the time, or being awful, or both. One that remains good, and is doing stuff is a rare treasure. And no, Fulcon, I don't mean ashamed of previous work in comparison to current work awful. I mean AWFUL...

 

[Warer]

As far as decent gamer fics go i only know about this and Ryuugis Games We Play.

 

[SageHiddenDragon]

As far as decent gamer fics go i only know about this and Ryuugis Games We Play.

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damn straight. I love this fic and the potential it currently shows.

I don't know if I'll keep the serum. It literally only existed as a plot device to give Daisuke perfect 10's. But since I have other methods of getting Daisuke perfect 10's, ones that actually make sense and aren't stupid, I might not keep them. At least, not in the same form.

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That is very interesting, could you please elaborate? On second thought don´t, I would like a pleasant surprise and i have a feeling it is going to be one.

 

[Fulcon]

Which might be better for the story.

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Well, I think it's better for the story, but as Galacticplumber pointed out below, it's still far better than average.

I'm not sure you understand. Hiruzen is max skills. Daisuke is max skills and 25 feats. they aren't similar ideas. One is the basis by which we transform to ballpark the other..... Accounting for low power or skill acquisition feats.... lets say like fifteen times. Stuff like a jutsu per hand is not a minor difference.

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Yeah, Daisuke might not be pulling stuff out of his rear, but he's still BS.

There aren't a lot of decent gamer fics out there. I automatically discard the short ones because the early part is all setup and is basically a prompt until it continues. Combine that with this using the fallout system and its even more unique.

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This would actually be because most gamers are not good writers. I don't know, they're heads are too much in the game worlds and in the numbers of the metagame and not enough headspace in creating compelling characters.

No kidding. Gamer fics have this tendency of going massively dormant all the time, or being awful, or both. One that remains good, and is doing stuff is a rare treasure. And no, Fulcon, I don't mean ashamed of previous work in comparison to current work awful. I mean AWFUL...

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Going on with my point above, I tend to find that most games who gamers say have good writing are meh at best. New Vegas, Knights of the Old Republic, and the new Disco Elysium are okay at what they try to do. They are not landmarks of literary accomplishment, but a lot of gamers I know have lifted these games up on pedastles.

That is very interesting, could you please elaborate? On second thought don´t, I would like a pleasant surprise and i have a feeling it is going to be one.

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Here's a spoiler.

Spoiler: Perfect 10's?

In Fallout, you can usually increase your SPECIAL stats by getting implants. I'm going a bit further by having Daisuke, with 100 Medicine, develop a gene-therapy that in effect increases his special stats with every treatment until he hits perfect 10's. However, Daisuke is going to have to work stupidly hard on this therapy and the actual creation of the serum-stuff is not going to be easy.

 

[CmirDarthanna]

Here's a spoiler.

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Hope Hiruzen doesn't start treating him like he's Orochimaru reborn and make things worse.

 

[Fulcon]

Hope Hiruzen doesn't treating him like he's Orochimaru reborn and make things worse.

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Being honest with you, I'd really like to steer away from the friction that Daisuke and the Hokage had this time. A lot of it was, well, came because of his charisma being so low which made him an easy target for abuse, but frankly, I don't think it added to the plot thaaaat much.

But I guess we'll see what happens.

 

[Anthony1967]

So I don't know if this was on purpose but here are the reasons as to why any sane hokage would believe that daisuke could be orochimaru 2.0
Here are the quotes each separated by ... And each will have reasons attributed to them after.

He frowned. "You aren't in trouble. I was just wanting to meet you is all."

"Why?" I asked with a frown of my own. "No one talks to me unless they want something."

Being honest, the 1 charisma is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it kept my contact with the kids down to an absolute minimum and a curse because it meant none of the adults really wanted to talk to me either.

"Well, that doesn't sound right," Hiruzen replied with a much more serious frown. "That goes against the Will of Fire."

I blinked. "What's the Will of Fire?"

That actually hasn't been explained to me yet, so this is cool.

"It means that the entire village is like a big family," Hiruzen answered. "And if we want the village to be strong, we all need to love and cherish each other like a big family, no matter who we are. It gives us the strength to fight against all odds, building up our strength of will and our character."

On one hand, that sounds oddly familiar. Like the concept of the human family, but much more localized. On the other hand, this sounds really cultish.

Which to be fair, that might not be a bad thing in a world like this.

"Oh, okay," I replied.

...

"Have you thought about becoming a Shinobi?" Hiruzen asked with a smile.

"Yeah." Why is he asking? That's the dream at this point.

"I'm glad," Hiruzen nodded. "We all could use someone strong like you defending our home."

"Yeah, that makes sense," I replied with a shrug. "I just want the cool jutsu I hear people can do. Is it true that a Shinobi can cut a lightning bolt with a kunai?"

Speech Check Failure: 9/10.

Hiruzen's expression got oddly pensive. "Some can, yes."

...

Those checks have long since worn out their welcome.

"Is there something wrong?" Hiruzen asked.

"Nothing," I replied with a frown. "I'm just thinking."

"Well, I hope they're good thoughts," Hiruzen replied.

"Not really," I replied. "Just something's annoying me."

...

"I see," Hiruzen replied, standing up. "Well, I'll let you return to your book. It was nice meeting you."

"You too, Hokage-dono," I said with a bow in my seat.


First one, nobody wants to talk to me unless they want something. That is a extremely pessimistic and value driven idea. It shows that he feels little connection with those around him and is unsettling for somebody so young.

Second one, he is asked whether he wants to be a shinobi and hiruzen is like great! We'd love for you to defend us! Then he immediately goes to questioning the potential powers of a ninja and blatantly states he is interested because of the jutsus and such. Could be ignored alone but in combination with all these other reasons in his first impression it isn't looking good for him.

Third one, he's starting to frown while talking to the homage and H man is like "what's wrong" and he goes "something is annoying me". Couldn't that be interpreted as a very clever and insideous way to say that he's bothering him and finds him annoying? Judging from the speech check he failed right after I'd say yes.

Fourth one, after the hokage "takes the hint" he respectfully sees him off in a cold manner.

He is very unfeeling and intelligent seeming in these circumstances, has a portrayed lust for power, and is capable of dark political like speech and treated someone he should respect with annoyance. He is also very intelligent, young, and is around Naruto and is a potential threat to him so he should definitely be watched. Plus if the instructors at the academy noticed his high level chakra manipulation and if people watched him do wall climbing with ease, assuming he's already being watched which is probable as he lives near Naruto, then yes he seems dangerous. Also he tried to kill himself which a child should never be capable of thinking of. This is all even less helped and made super severe with his statue like appearance and seeming lack of emotions as this all can be seen as sociopathy which may be theoretically induced by the 9 tailed fox as he reacted super severely unlike all the others.

 

[RichardWhereat]

snip

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They're informative, not their.

How come the other team mates graduated in their second year? Most enter at 8, and graduate at 12. Are his fellow students also genius's who are now 10?

 

[Darkarma]

As soon as Daisuke comes into some money, he needs to hire himself both an armorsmith and tailor to work together to make: "The best smartly dressed shinobi outfit ever!" for his daywear.

And then once he has even more capital, a literal outfit for every occasion.

 

[Anthony1967]

I personally feel that you should not add in stat boosting items from orochimaru as they had little purpose but to complete almost perfect (or stat perma buff items in general). If you instead let our gamer apply bonuses though intelligent use of stat boosting gear that would be better. It would be wrong to, say, have him switch from full charisma to full phys stats gear back and forth but maybe allow him to put on a cha boosting necklace or bracelet? Just to make it so he doesn't fail everything with a boosted score of around 3 at minimum. Maybe 5 with the henge! Make him passable in a way which would reduce some of the major angst in the fic while still showing how he has major problems. A 3 would still be a plot relevant detrimental effect but wouldn't be so depressively crazy as before and maybe easier for you to write. You said in the earlier thread that now you have moved on from your experiences. Seeing how you are in a better place now wouldn't it be easier to write from that better place? It would be different from the earlier fic by being slightly lighter hearted and would be more reasonable as stat boosting items being banned might not really fit in this fic. If he does it really early on with some minor boosts or minor accessories (necklace, bracelet, belt, headband) it would boost him from a 1 in a reasonable manner.