11th October 2010
11:52 GMT -5
I turn the lights on, and Artemis is already recoiling-. Then she stops.
"What?"
"You told me that you wanted me to get a hobby that didn't involve cutting up small animals. I.. worked out that you didn't mean that you wanted me to do testing on
larger animals, so-"
"Yeah, good."
She walks over to one of the displays and picks up a
miniature.
"-I-."
"Oh, they're like… Army men."
…
Perhaps I should have just built a girlfriend? I have all of Tomorrow Woman's specifications and it wouldn't be
that hard to generate an agreeable personality matrix-.
No, no. There's no reason for her to have encountered Warhammer 40,000 before. Be reasonable.
"It's a British science fiction wargame."
"Oh." She puts the gargoyle down and picks up a
pulsa rocket. "So… They fight each other?"
I take a calming breath. "When I was… Thirteen? My mother made it clear to me that other people won't necessarily find things as interesting as I do. This is something that I'm
really into, and I've finally got the ability to get into it as much as I
want to. So while I can happily quote chapter and verse about
everything here, you…
Might find it better to specify what you want to know."
She looks concerned, but I think it's more 'oh God a nerd' concerned rather than 'I'm getting serial killer vibes' concerned. "What are these.. green ones?"
Thank you.
"
Orks."
"And those are… Rockets?
"Pulsa rockets. Basically, a rocket motor on a force field projector. They fire them at enemy armies and the force field knocks any soldier anywhere near it over."
"You've… Got a lot of them."
I nod, smiling.
16 of them, enough to pin most armies for an entire game. Not quite enough against Tyranids some of the time, but I couldn't quite fit 24 in under the points limit.
"The army represents an artillery battery. You see the-" Almost fair. "-fellow with the big gun and the tiny green things?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"
That's a teleportation gun. It opens a portal in space, they chase the little ones through it and send them into a berserk frenzy, and they appear inside vehicles and slaughter the crew."
"And the guys with wheels for legs?"
A Warboss in mega armour with a
kustom shoota,
gyro-stabilised monowheel and a small group of Bigbosses with the same. 8" basic movement, 16" charge, an average of 4 S6 shots per turn at BS6/5
but which could be 6 S10 shots each, WS7 for the Warboss due to his spike attack arm and WS5 for the Bigbosses which isn't so impressive, but they were mostly fighting people who escaped the pulsa field or vehicles anyway and their power fists were enough for that. I considered giving the Warboss
combat drugs for a 32" charge range but I decided that it would leave him too isolated.
"Effectively, heavy cavalry for counter-attacking. Everything else is shooting."
She points to the gretchin. "What about-?"
"Meat shields. Most units have to shoot whatever's closest, so those stand between the important stuff and the enemy and take bullets for them."
"Huh." She turns to the Tyranids. "What about these Alien.. big monster things? You've got a lot of the same thing."
"Tyranids. And those are gargoyles. Flying monsters with flamethrowers. Under most circumstances that's enough to wipe out all enemy infantry on turn two. The big ones are Hive Tyrants, and it's their job to shoot heavier things and kill enemy wizards with their magic."
I just about manage not to wince at putting it like that. Naturally, the zoanthropes are the vehicle killers and the main user of force cards as other than Psychic Scream
Tyranid psychic powers are pretty bad, and the gargoyle broods are minimum size to limit the effects of leadership failures.
Artemis looks them over, obviously fails to comprehend and moves along the row. "And these guys are humans?"
Scout squads with teleport homers, techmarines with warp jumps and vortex grenades and a swarm of
customised vehicles with as many assault cannons as they have weapon mounts. Turn
one mass teleport followed by everything important in the enemy army vanishing into the warp, unless they've got a vortex detonator or a teleport jammer in which case you lose. I think that the original version of this build used jump packs instead of warp jumps, but that seemed to be aiming for a turn two crippling and risked the techmarines being shot or zoned out.
"Yes."
She moves along the line. "And these are ogres?"
Ogryn with ripper guns mounted in chimera IFVs with supercharged engines, ablative armour and bulldozer blades, a force designed to cross the table in a single turn and drop off the ogryn within 'literally can't miss' range and blow away anything that can be killed by S4 fire. I read about that tactic in White Dwarf, and
that version added a commissar to increase the BS of the multilaser turret. But as far as I can tell from the main rulebook only crew and engineers can fire a tank's weapons, and while I
could get BS5 by jumping a techpriest with a bionic eye in on turn 1 it didn't seem worth it. The rest of the army is intended to minmax the preparatory bombardment rule, because no other army in the game can wipe out an enemy
before turn 1.
"Big, mutant humans. From high gravity worlds."
"H
uh. So… Do you play with them?"
"No. These armies were designed for the game's second edition. The game is on its fifth edition now. Most of these units don't even exist anymore."
"Okay. Did you paint them?"
"No, I never had the patience for that. I designed the paint scheme and had the ring do it."
She shrugs, shaking her head. "Then..?"
"I like designing the army lists as a composition exercise. And I like having them."
Though the next one was going to be
an entirely tournament-legal Necron writhing worldscape/tremorstaves list, because 'the floor is lava, and so is everything else' seems like an amusing thing to inflict on someone.
"Okay." She puts down
Nork Deddog. "That's…" She nods. "No animals hurt. You did what I asked."
Ah…
"The original versions of most of those models were made of
lead, so…"
Sport, you've got a situation.
I didn't think I was doing that badly. Okay, girl and wargaming, but as far as that goes-.
"Could you teach me how to play?"
I blink.
I…
Keep blinking.
She looks at me. "What?"
"Ah, sorry. Ring… Message. Yes?"
"The gynoid is waking up."
"What? She's down to two fifths of a
brain, how can she be waking up?"
"I don't know what to tell you, sport. Her eyes are focusing and her fingers are twitching in a controlled sort of way."
The nanotech-.
"Right, we're heading that way
now, please inform Mia. Artemis." I lean in and briefly kiss her on the lips, an action that appears to take her by surprise. "I would be delighted to."