31st December 2012
16:13 GMT -5
"Riddle me this."
Mr. Nygma doesn't turn around from his monitors.
"When is a contract not a contract?"
"I don't know the answer you want, but I can think of several logically consistent answers. For example, 'when it's upside down', because 'it's' can mean either 'it has the property of' or 'it is only'. Alternately, I could treat the first 'contract' as a document and the second as a legally binding agreement, in which case 'when no one signs it' would be an answer.
"
In the reflection on the screen I can see him sneer. "You're so
basic. This is why I fight Batman."
"Because Batman would work out what answer you want, then use that to beat you. I freely accept that I'm not as intelligent as Batman or as you. On the other hand, I can achieve a similar level of success by brute forcing the actual solution. I read a book a few years ago called
Un Lun Dun, where the heroine wasn't the prophesised saviour but decided to have a crack at saving the day after the heroine got taken out. Initially, she tried to follow the prophecy, but after one of her friends was killed she stopped, worked out what bits of it she actually
needed to complete her objective and did those instead. Batman would try to understand your thought processes, I'd just say 'ring, scan'.
"
"I was in your class."
"You taught classes because it massaged your ego. The rest of them were there to learn things and maybe reform. Which is why your signature is on a contract and theirs aren't. And yes, it works whether you sign your own name or not, Theophilus Carter.
"
"Batman would have worked out that I was going to do that."
"While I just monitored everyone with my rings. I've already admitted that you're more intelligent than me. You really don't need to convince me.
"
"Oh, I know that
I'm more intelligent than you. But the honest truth is, I think Captain Cold is as well."
"Possibly. I've never invented a device capable of reducing a target to zero degrees kelvin.
"
"Oh, that's clever. But it's not that."
"Okay, what is it? Is it-?
"
"He reinvented the wheel, Orange Lantern. He knew next to nothing about physics notation so he invented his own. Have you ever tried doing base nine maths?"
"I once very briefly tried doing base thirteen maths.
"
"
Base thirteen-. Hitchhiker's Guide, where Douglas Adams
didn't write a joke in base thirteen. How much do you think doing everything in base ten limits our thinking?"
"Not at all. I have data on thousands of cultures who do maths in various ways, and there's no real correlation between base and development speed.
"
"I didn't ask 'does it limit
people'. I asked how it 'limits
our thinking'."
"I don't know.
" …
"You taught yourself to do base eight maths, didn't you?
"
"
Please. I can think in any base."
"Including tw-
"
"Two and a half, yes."
"-o and-. Probability, or did you know
I was going to say that?
"
"It's a riddle."
"I can see your face in the reflection, you can probably see mine. Between the shape of my mouth and the starting sound, guessing 'two' isn't hard. Half is quicker to say than 'quarter'. Though I should warn you that a lecturer once asked what came next in the sequence 'one, two, four, eight', and I said 'seventy seven'.
"
"Were you right?"
"I wasn't wrong. The pattern was 'each new number is bigger than the one before'. It was supposed to teach us that most people assume things and won't try and falsify their assumptions. Most people guess 'sixteen' and then stop.
"
"But not you."
"But not me. I think I was the only one in the entire lecture theatre who actually did the required reading, which explained the whole thing.
"
"I suppose that knowing when to mindlessly
obey is a skill in itself."
"Mister Nygma, could you please explain something to me?
"
"Probably."
"You've read your own psychological profile, both the Arkham one and the Belle Reve one.
"
"Quinzel has a second class mind at
best."
"I doubt that she's got your IQ, but she does want to help you get better. And as far as I can tell, you
don't.
"
I start to pace a little, and I can see the reflection of his eyes following me.
"Your father's dead. Everyone who knows you acknowledges that you're a very intelligent man. Crock isn't up here, looking at this. And neither are Leonard or Tuttle, and you know how much I respect their work. Batman wouldn't have put you here if he thought that he could work it out without you, so… Riddle me this: why is the Riddler?
"
"That's even easier than your lecture hall answer. My 'neuroatypicality' isn't that I like
riddles. If you want
that, you should go and talk to
Cluemaster. It's my compulsion to tell the truth when I misbehave. It's why I'm talking to you now rather than just ignoring you; I can't…
Not. The reason that I got sent to Belle Reve and not
Arkham is that I'm not legally 'insane'. I know perfectly well what good and evil are, otherwise I wouldn't be compelled to leave confessional riddles around when I do
evil."
"But you… Do it for validation, right? I was sort of hoping that I could provide you with intellectually challenging problems for the rest of your life and you'd abandon the whole 'Riddler' thing.
"
"Not until I beat the Batman."
"Would..? Working out how to fix
this mess count?
"
"I don't know yet. Probably not. He
wants me to do this."
"You're using him as a stand-in for your father?
"
"Yes, I realised that years ago. And I don't like it because I hate the idea that an ignoramus like
him had such a major effect on my life."
"You know… Doctor Quinzel does.. actually want to help. And you just said that you want to change. I don't have to be as intelligent as you to see an opportunity here.
"
"Then you should have thought of
that before you embarrassed me in front of my peers. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."