OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

[OverMaster]

"NO WAY!" Kirche said. "You have met THE Jack Rakan?!"

Yue nodded, noticing all too well how suddenly stiff and strangely fully-open-eyed Beatrix had become in her sitting place. "Yes," Ayase said. "He is quite a... colorful personality."

"Are you sure he is the real Rakan?" Tabitha asked blandly. "Not an impostor?"

"Oh, trust me, he performed feats that would be impossible to duplicate for anyone," Negi said. "He's also identical to the pictures my father had of him."

"Is it true that he has a schlong three feet long?" Kirche said.

Tsukuyomi giggled. "You'll have to ask Asuna-han! She saw him bathing!"

"It was an accident! AN ACCIDENT!" Asuna growled, red faced.

Beatrix looked at Collet in an imploring way. "Collet. Please tell me that you got it for me..."

Collet smiled and nodded. "Of course I did!" She then handed her a signed picture of Jack, who was grinning and giving a thumbs up. For a second, Emily thought she actually saw the picture winking too, and it creeped her out. "I couldn't let you down, Bea!"

Beatrix shivered ever so slightly, her normal Tabitha-level cool detachment sorely shaken. "Thank you... How can I ever repay you...?"

"How much did that perv charge you for that?" Chisame asked Collet. "You didn't have to do anything dirty, did you?"

"Oh, no, no!" Collet laughed that off. "Please don't worry about me...!"

Collet slammed her hands together. "Please, Mr. Rakan! Even if I don't have money, I'll pay you some other way! You can see my panties! No, you can even have them if you want!"

Rakan's eyes popped up. "Can I...?!" Then he blinked, looking at Collet's begging, nearly tearful expression, and he made a face. "Hyeh! Don't do that, you clever little sneak, you'll make me feel bad! Keep your panties on, I can get myself into ladies' panties anytime I want to!"

He began stroking his strong jaw while frowning. "Let's see... What if you cook dinner for me for a whole week while wearing undies and an apron...?"

"That's not really much better!" Rito said, bandaged like a mummy while Kotaro held him in place. "For a second, I thought he wasn't going to act like a scumbag for once!"

"Oh, so that's why he had diarrhea all through that night, right?" Chisame asked.

Collet blushed and nodded. "Yes..."

"Now you see why we never let her cook," Emily said.

"Ah, you got off the hook easy, then!" Montmorency smiled. "That's good!"

"Actually, I still had to cook for him wearing underwear and the apron for a week afterwards, it's just that he would throw the meals down the toilet right after," Collet said.

"Oh, so that's why rats came out the sewers dying all over the streets for a week, then," Chisame realized.

"After we save my sister we're going to have her teach you cooking, Collet," Skuld decided. "I doubt even Satsuki is up for that task."

"Thank you, Lady Skuld," Collet said, not offended in the slightest.

"His story is still highly dubious!" Emily said. "Do you mean that he's implying that Mr. Nagi and the Queen of Calamity were actually involved romantically!?"

"Well, Negi had to come from somewhere, right?" Chisame asked. "It's not like Nagi could give birth to him himself!"

"Are, are you saying that you really believe he's the Prince of Ostia?!" the bewildered Sevensheep demanded, jabbing a pointer several times towards the uneasy Negi. "What kind of bid for political power is this?!"

"You just don't want to accept that Nagi married another woman," Kirche said, grinning. Nodoka was actually starting to like her, despite everything. She was much like Paru in a way, although she still liked Lucy-san better.

"Mr. Nagi is for everyone!" Emily said, throwing her hands up.

"You're sounding just like the Superman fangirls on Earth who cannot accept he is with Wonder Woman," Yue smiled faintly.

"Lois Lane," Rito said.

Yue stared at him. "Lois Lane? Senpai, please! That's Clark Kent's wife!"

Tabitha looked at Skuld. "If you truly are a goddess, you can confirm whether he is Princess Arika's son or not, plus the truth of what happened to her, cannot you?"

"We are well used to Sku-chan being a tightly locked box of extremely useful info that she just won't share with us," Asuna said, sighing.

"Over half of the time you aren't ready to learn things, and the other half you wouldn't believe me if I told you! If I'd told you, back when we first met, that Negi was a Martian Prince, you would have booed me away, wouldn't you?!" the irritated Norn said.

"Sorry, you're right! Sorry, even after all we've been through together, I still doubt you, my friends, so often!" Ai pleaded, falling to her hands and knees before the Norn. "Even now, I'm not sure you can help me find Itoshiki-sensei, and I'm still so embarrassed about that!"

"Ah!" Montmorency gasped. "Who are you?! You were here?!"

Ai nodded and sobbed. "Yes, always! Sorry, but in the absence of Matoi-chan I have to keep at least one of her shticks warm!"

"As long as you don't start falling in love with me..." Chisame said and shuddered.

"Regardless, I'm not omniscient, so I have no idea about the exact circumstances of Princess Arika's death, or even whether she's truly dead or not..."

Negi's eyes snapped unnaturally open, and he turned towards her. "Do you mean... There's an actual chance she's still alive?!"

"Oh, now that you learn she's a Queen you actually start caring about her!" Skuld said. "Why weren't you asking me that all these past months?"

"I hate to admit it, but that's actually a damn good question," Chisame said, and Kotaro and Tsukuyomi nodded.

"Nobody ever gave me any reasons to believe she might be actually alive!" Negi told Skuld. "But if there's no grave anywhere, then...!"

"No grave that we know of. For all we know she's buried in a nameless plot anywhere in this world," Skuld said bluntly. "But across the alternate timelines, there are a few where Arika lives on at this point of time, indeed. Universes 6904877 and 1300818. Although-"

"Although...?" Negi repeated eagerly.

"Nothing," Skuld sighed. "But you should be warned that, if your mother turned out alive, and I'm not saying that your mother and Arika are the same person nudge nudge wink wink, she'd really want for you to secure the continuity of your bloodline as thoroughly as possible, nudge nudge wink wink."

Negi blinked. "Nudge nudge wink wink? What is that supposed to mean?"

"Yeah, Neechan, stop talking in riddles!" Kotaro said. "What are you getting to here?"

Rito, Louise, Yue, Nodoka, Asuna, Emily, Collet, Beatrix, Sayo, Ai, Tsukuyomi, Kirche and Montmorency facepalmed. Chisame was too used to Negi already and Tabitha had too much restrain, though.

"See, that's what I mean with you not being ready yet!" Skuld said. "Rakan may be an asshole but he's got a point of sorts on not telling you everything about her yet!"

"Why, was she indeed a bad person?" Negi asked.

"It's not that..." Skuld said uncomfortably. "But... you know! Royalty can't help but look at the world in their own ways! Just think of Lala!"

"Or you, for that matter," Tsukuyomi said.

"True, technically I'm divine royalty," Skuld admitted matter of factly. "Which makes that woman extra dangerous to me, she'd probably want me to marry- Gahhhh...!"

"I still don't get it," Negi hummed, "but I think you're trying to point me in the direction of her being my mother without breaking your vows of confidentiality, aren't you? She still overthrew her father, so either she or him were in the wrong. No matter what, I still have tainted blood in my family..." He began brooding.

"Hey, everyone's got black sheep in their family! That's a really ridiculous thing to get angsty about!" Chisame said.

"Not me," Louise said. "Everyone in my family is perfect!"

"You are their black sheep, haven't you realized that yet?" Kirche told her.

Louise slumped down, the same black aura of gloom that had just appeared on Negi now flowing around her as well. "I... I guess you're right, in a way... I'm the only useless person in my family... They must be glad I'm gone...!"

Somewhere, while desperately scouting the city with Keiichi, Eleonore sneezed.

 

[OverMaster]

Once upon a time, in a far, far away land, there lived three dragons in a cabin in the woods. There was Papa Elma...

"Why am I the father?!"

Because you're the breadwinner and this is set a long time ago. There also was Mama Tohru...

"Why am I not married to Kobayashi-san?!"

Because she took the wrong path and met the crane instead. And there was Baby Kanna.

"I'm not a baby anymore..."

One afternoon they were eating soup.

"My soup is too hot! But I'll eat it anyway, I'm hungry!" Papa Elma said, and downed her plate of soup.

"Ahhh! My soup is too hot! I can't eat it like this!" Mama Tohru said.

"My soup is too hot... Wait, why do we feel it too hot? We are dragons, we literally can breathe fire," Kanna said.

"Don't think too much about it too much," Papa Elma said, pouring herself another plate of soup. "We'll go out and stroll until the soup cools down, and then we'll eat!"

They did so, but while they were out, an easygoing smiling girl wandered along. Her name was Goldie Ahko, and she was like a kogal and stuff.

"Ahhhh, what a cool little house!" Goldie Ahko said. "Like, maybe I should check it out? Sure nobody would mind, like why would they?"

Goldie Ahko walked in since the door wasn't locked, and she saw three plates of soup on the table.

"Riiiight, this is some nice lookin' soup, alright?" she smiled at said plates. "I think I'll help myself a bit, maybe it'll like help my blood pressure..."

She ate the three plates of soup, although they were still too hot, but since she took everything in stride and was very accepting, she wasn't going to leave them untouched.

"Ohhhh, I feel like resting and all that now," Goldie Ahko said, moving towards the couches.

First, she tried Papa Elma's couch.

"Aw, I don't wanna complain, but this couch is like too hard," she said. So she moved to Mama Tohru's couch.

"Ohhh, I hate being like a nitpicker, but this is too soft instead. Too bad," she said, bowing to apologize to the couch and moving towards Baby Kanna's couch.

"Ahhhhh, goood, gooood, this one's perfect! Uhaha!" she said, very pleased, and then checked the movies in the dragons' Netflix. After a while, she felt sleepy.

"Ahhhhh, uncool, I'm gonna have take a wink, you know?" she said, moving towards the beds. First she tried Mama Elma's bed.

"Ugh, like no, this is too hard."

She tried Mama Tohru's bed.

"Oigh, no, it won't work, like too, tooooo soft...
"
And then she lied on Baby Kanna's bed.

"Wonderfuuul!" she cooed, and then promptly fell asleep, blowing a small bubble of snot in and out of her nose.

The dragons came back.

"Ahhhhhhh!" Papa Elma panicked. "What in the world?! Someone at my soup too! My soup! My precious tasty soup!"

"Someone ate my soup too!" Mama Tohru said. "Oh, I hope it was Kobayashi-san!"

"Someone ate my soup, too..." Baby Kanna noted quietly. "I hope it wasn't Saikawa stalking me again..."

They checked the couches next.

"Someone sat on my couch!" Papa Elma said.

"Someone sat on my couch too," Mama Tohru said. And she sniffed the couch. "It doesn't smell like Kobayashi-san's butt! Bummer!"

"Someone sat on my couch as well," Baby Kanna saiad. She sniffed her couch. "Thank God, it doesn't smell like Saikawa's butt..."

"I'm not going to ask," Papa Elma said.

And then they checked the beds.

"Someone was in my bed!" Papa Elma said.

"Someone was in my bed too!" Mama Tohru said.

"Someone is in my bed right now..." Baby Kanna said, pointing at the sleeping Goldie Ahko.

"..." her parents said, staring on.

The author really, really likes Ahko, so the dragons took pity on her and let her go without harming her at all, from what I hear.

"THAT'S SO FREAKING UNFAIR!" every other heroine so far protested.

 

[OverMaster]

"I know this sounds hypocritical coming from me, but are you sure you can trust them?" Tsukuyomi asked after the Cadets left.

Negi breathed out. "Every step taken in this enterprise is a gamble," he told the young woman. "They weren't even here to look for us, they were just sent as a standard goodwill delegation for the festivities."

"Or so they say," she argued. "That headmistress knows that they know you well, from the time you spent together. Who better than them to set a trap for you?"

"Ariadne has sworn neutrality on these matters, and they are loyal to Collet," Negi said firmly, looking out the window. "They won't deliver us."

"You are overstimating both friendship and political principles," the swordswoman warned him. "The pressure from every world leader will make anyone crack, and academic pressure means everything to that haughty dog girl."

"If anything," Negi observed, "it's more of a liability to send young ladies who are emotionally compromised with the target."

Tsukuyomi blinked in mild surprise, and then smiled. "Why you, Negi-han…! You're starting to believe yourself the Casanova you are! It was about time, I would say…!"

"I was thinking more about their ties to Collet…" Negi rasped. "Anyway, IF they truly wanted to turn us, we'd already be assaulted by guards from every nation."

"Point!" Tsukuyomi conceded graciously.

He turned to look back at her. "Tsukuyomi-san. I wanted to tell you when we were alone, but so far, the chance had never arisen."

She giggled coquettishly. "Oh, Negi-han, and now you'll move on to actual seduction! At least wait until we find Oneesama first…"

"I think I have figured it out by now, after my memories returned," Negi told her in an even tone. "Last time we saw you, you'd thrown your lot in with the Joker, following him out of Kyoto. The next time we saw you, you were back with Sextum at the gateport, instead."

"What are you trying to get to, here?" she asked, still smiling.

"You were the Joker's mole within Cosmo Entelecheia, weren't you?" Negi prodded her gently. "It's because of you that Joker and Quartum were in the gateport. Sextum realized it shortly after, and you fought. You didn't provoke a brawl for the sake of it. That's why you were so eager to join us, because you had nowhere else to go."

"Very perceptive!" she said giddily. "Joker-han wouldn't have me back, after failing in my task, and he'd have Quartum-han tear me apart! He'd look for me anywhere, so I was in the run almost as much as you…"

Negi sighed. "Posing as Miss Erza's comrade was part of your ruse too, so you wouldn't have to use your real name in public, despite having no bounty on you in this world. But you didn't count on actual Fairy Tail members being here."

"To be fair, this is far from their country!" she said.

Negi stared at her. "Chisame and Yue would no doubt believe that you're going to turn us to Joker, but I've keeping my eye on you ever since that stunt. You haven't contacted anyone, and obviously, you can't have a Pactio with Joker…"

"I might have one with Quartum-han," she reminded him.

"He'd just use it to summon you to him and destroy you," he said. "Besides, I've looked through your things while you slept."

"All of them?" she asked seductively.

Negi blushed and forced himself to nod.

Tsukuyomi cooed, caressing his chin with a pointer finger. "So you trust me now…?"

"To a point, and only because you can't go back to them," Negi said in a strained tone. "Even if you tried to redeem yourself by delivering us, a psychopath with no loyalties like Joker would just have you killed anyway, and you know it. But, like I said, I have to operate on gambles."

"Too true," she said huskily, leaning onto him. "You've grown far less naive, far more pragmatic. I like that, and I want to think I've played a part in that. You're shaping into the kind of man I like."

He shuddered, feeling her warm breath on his face. "Thank you… From your perspective, that is praise, I'm certain…"

"It is," she said, pressing her small chest against his. "I still expect to collect my payment from you, you know, and every day I serve you, my fee becomes higher. Learning that I'm serving royalty has raised it further."

She reached over, stroking the scar on his cheek and licking her lips. "So many things have happened. You have had your first hard-on, and now you are aware about everything we saw in that other world, right? So you know how you'll have to repay me eventually."

Negi gulped. "Tsukuyomi, I---"

She kissed him. It was a kiss much like Evangeline's, deep and long and wet as her hands caressed his strong back. They closed their eyes and lost themselves in the first shared kiss, and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. She smelled so good. She was so warm. Held like this, she was just another girl, much like Chisame, or Master Louise, or Haruna, or—

Eventually, she pulled back, with a bridge of saliva linking their mouths. She gulped it down avidly. "Let us run together, after we've slain Sextum-han," she invited him. "Let's be free, you've got the makings of a great mercenary! Nobody will tell us what to do with our lives in the big scheme of things. You'll be the owner of your own life, as it befits a prince."

Without knowing why, he kissed her again, a shorter and faster kiss, but a violent one regardless. She cooed in pleasure. "I choose being with my students. I already am the owner of my own life."

"You still live in your father's shadow, but once you slay your dragon and find your reward, you will learn that it wasn't worth it. I'll be waiting for you when that happens," she promised. She turned around and began leaving the room, waving mischievously over her shoulder. "Until then, Negi-han! Remember, you are mine now! Mine, mine, mine…"

As the door of the room closed after her, Negi mused to himself aloud. "That doesn't sound like I'm the master of my own life, does it?"

 

[OverMaster]

Mahou Sensei Negima! is the creation and intellectual property of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

---

100% Naked, 0% Subtlety.

---

Yes, we're worried about the fate of the world after Nagi was revealed as the Mage of the Beginning and departed for whereabouts unknown...

Yes, Negi himself is more worried than anyone else right now...

And yes, we know that this chapter canonically took place before the fight with Rakan!

But right now, let's take a brief moment of relaxation with our (imaginary) friends! As if we had real ones, right?

A special chapter of healing and nakedness! In Glorious Naked-O-Vision! To compensate for the visual limitations of the prose format, we will constantly be reminding you of the female and male flesh in full display! Aren't we avant garde in our postmodern critic of over the top fanservice?

I'd still rather have Akamatsu illustrating this, though...

---

Even in the tail end of the long anniversary festival, Neo Ostia was bustling with all manners of tourists and visitors. From every corner of the Magical World, they came, gathering around the stadiums, the restaurants, the large parks and the wide public pools. There was music around all corners, and fireworks ornated the starry nights.

The main attraction were the ancient ruins of Old Ostia, because the people of Mundus Magicus had a different set of values and would rather visit old dusty wreckage over sophisticated and cosmopolitan modern places. But the gigantic public baths, the Ostianae Magnae Thermae, were a close second. Able to hold hundreds and hundreds of bathers at once, the thermal baths were the pride of the city's administration, and tourists were eager to soak in them. It was said that you couldn't have the true Ostian experience without bathing in them.

And yet, early that morning, the baths had been sealed and closed, with armed guards standing at every entrance and exit.

Two peasants who had come to the festivities to peddle their products stood across the avenue, looking at the incredible Roman style building.

"What's up with this?" one of them wondered aloud. "Another terrorist hid inside?"

"Nah," the other man said. "I heard they're reserving it for those Ala Alba fellas who just kinda saved us all."

The portly, short farmer with glasses blinked. "No way...! Them Ala Alba guys?!"

"A-yep," the taller and lankier peasant nodded. "The son of Nagi Springfield and a whole buncha hot cute girls! Since they've become famous, ya know, they can rent the whole place f'r a day! Lucky stiffs..."

"Sooo... where do we go to take a bath, then?"

"The river's over there."

"Oh, for the love of...!"

---

The small pink and white towel was left behind as a completely naked, except for her glasses, Collet Farandole approached the edge of the vast warm pools, wagging her tail. "Oooohhh!" she said, marveled. "It's even bigger than I thought...!"

"Well, yeah, no joke," said Hasegawa Chisame, walking over to join her, standing even more naked since she'd left her glasses in her basket of clothes. Her ponytail was undone, allowing her long light brown hair to fall free. "Compared to this, the baths of Mahora are nothing..."

"Are you sure we're safe here?" asked Miyazaki Nodoka, standing next to the other two girls, and not wearing a single stitch of clothing. She looked in all directions. "There might be paparazzi cameras hidden somewhere..."

"For Pete's sake, Bookstore-chan, don't be so paranoid!" Kagurazaka Asuna said, sitting naked on the edge and putting her legs and bare feet in the water. She smiled at the relaxing sensation. "We've just saved them all, no way they'd be ungrateful enough to do that!"

"Sometimes you are so innocent, Asuna-san..." the librarian said, sitting down next to her and also soaking her small, white feet in.

Iwai Tsukuyomi, wearing only a small red bow in her long blonde hair and her glasses, giggled as she sat aside, starting to rinse herself off for the bath. "Why so nervous, Nodoka-han? Planning to have fun in the bath with Yue-han?"

"Bite your tongue!" Ayase Yue snapped, sitting au naturel next to the swordswoman and starting to wash her slim body off. "Shouldn't you be leaving us now? You already got paid!"

"I'm just playing with you!" Tsukuyomi said, giving her a slight slap in the ass. Yue groaned. "And leaving Negi? Why would I do that?! He's going to be my legal guardian now! Just to make sure that I don't stray into the wrong path again...!"

Louise Francoise le Blanc de la Valliere winced, putting her underdeveloped nude body in the water until she sat on the bottom of the pool, only her shoulders, neck and head sticking above the surface. "You just want to drag him into that path with you..." she mused grimly. "Don't think we won't be keeping an eye on you...!"

"For once I agree with you," Asuna said, lowering herself in after Louise. "And Setsuna-san is a lot stronger now, so don't you start getting ideas about being able to best her, Four Eyes!"

"Well, Setsuna is her older sister, so it's her responsibility to take care of her from now on," Skuld grouched while entering the bath too, fully in the bare. "Unless you plan to track David Cain down and force him to do it himself..."

"What about your sister? Shouldn't you be with her right now?" Chisame said.

"I'm not a healing goddess, I'm not allowed in the recovery chambers!" Skuld despaired. "And I'm still mostly blacklisted from my association with you, so I wouldn't be given access anyway! I'll just have to trust Urd to have her watched, and that's got me so nervous that I just needed relaxing for the day!"

"Oh, for the love of-! She's under the care of other gods and everyone loves her there, right?!" the golden haired Suzushiro Haruka said. Her large round breasts bounced lightly as she soaped them, and then the rest of her fully exposed body, full of firm curves and supple muscle. "You have nothing to worry about! This world was saved, and so was she, so the problems for you have stopped!"

"If there's nothing to worry about anymore, why are you so worked up?" Collet asked her.

"I can't help it! In my absence, Fujino Shizuru must have rallied the students against me! Hoping to underminate me! God knows how will they react when I come back, thinking I abandoned her! I hate that stupid Bubuzuke!" she bristled.

"I've been meaning to ask," Collet asked, blinking, "What is a bubuzuke?"

"Rice in tea," supplied helpfully the thin and brown haired Kikukawa Yukino, diligently washing Haruka's back, in the bare herself save for her glasses.

Collet made a face. "What kind of person would ever drink something like that...?"

"Fujino Shizuru, that's who!" Haruka fumed.

"I feel your pain," Chisame said sympathetically. "While I was away, my page must have really lagged behind in views, overtaken by competitors! Constant new material is the key for any successful page!"

"What is your page even about?" Tsukuyomi asked.

Chisame blushed and fumed. "It's... It's nothing! I just give technical advice for programming, that is all!"

"Sorry, I know I wasn't asked, but while we're on the subject, a classmate of ours has a cosplay page," mused a buck naked Kaga Ai, with only the small band to keep her short black ponytail in. "And she is always saying the same thing as Chisame-san, that ongoing new content is vital for success..."

"I just want to return home already," Karakuri Chachamaru said, moving over to was Ai's back, and kneeling behind her with a back. Her completely revealed new robotic body was virtually impossible to tell apart from a human one, except for some very thin joint lines along her elbows and knees. "Master Evangeline must miss me, having to settle with Karin-san's inadequate housekeeping."

"I feel like I could stay here for a while, myself. After spending so long in Mahora, traveling like this was really thrilling, you know?" Aisaka Sayo said, now in her completely naked gigai body, identical to the appearance she had as a ghost, long white hair and red eyes and all. Rather than the black hair and brown eyes she had in life. The tiny Sayo doll, also in the buff, sat limp by the pool while Sayo enjoyed the bath. "In the other hand, I also want to be with Asakura-san again..."

"I've had my fill of magical worlds for the rest of my life," Chisame said. "Give me back my streets full of smog and my Netflix account."

"And where are our Prince Charming and his band of merry men right now?" Tsukuyomi asked, licking her lips over. "Do you think he actually came?"

"He told me that he'd be over there," Chisame said, pointing over the tall wall separating them from the men's baths. "With Kotaro and some of the other guys, apparently."

The other girls followed Chisame's pointer finger with their silent, curious gazes.

Chisame frowned. "What are you guys thinking about?"

 

[OverMaster]

Sitting in one of the pools in the men's baths, Negi Springfield brooded.

For Itoshiki Nozomu, who sat next to the red haired boy in all of his skeletical, very pale nudity, this was a disturbing spectacle, because seeing anyone who exhuded a more miserable aura than his own always perturbed him greatly. That this person was a child, and the son to one of his greatest childhood heroes, only made the whole experience even more upsettling. Despairing, even, but for once he didn't feel like going on a Despair Rant on the subject.

"Even here, you aren't feeling any better, huh..." sighed Inugami Kotaro, sitting at Negi's other side with nothing on but the towel tossed around his shoulders. "I can't say I blame you, but... you're going to burn yourself out at this rate, man. We brought you here so you'd relax! What happened to the guy who said all of that Audacia Paula never give up stuff? Your dad's not dead yet! That means there's hope!"

"For Nagi, at least. The rest of the world may be another matter altogether," Natsu Dragneel said from where he was drinking sake with Chamo, wearing only his perennial scarf.

Kotaro pointed at him angrily. "Buzz off! You're even more of a never say die type so you're saying that just to mess up with him!"

There was a loud, raspy and growling, chuckle, and Kotaro frowned at the source of it. Killer Croc was sitting several steps away, up to his broad chest in water, nothing but dark green thick scales covering him all over. "What's so funny?" the wolf boy asked. "And for that matter, why haven't they arrested your butt yet?"

"What are the charges?" Croc asked, reaching over with a muscular clawed arm. Chamo shrank back from the sake as the behemoth poured himself a glass. "I'm not a wanted criminal in THIS world! I wuz in the same street brawl as you an' I fought in the same battle as you right now and that's it! I've got as much of a right to be free here as you are!"

"But... But, those people the Joker killed...!" Kotaro said.

"Killed with Joker Gas, do I kill with Joker gas?" Croc asked. "Got any proof I ever helped 'im with anything but those two battles you saw me in? If not, stop pesterin' me, kid!"

Emiya Shirou frowned, fresh on recent wounds on his exposed body, from his just finished time away. "You're still wanted in Earth," he reminded the reptilian man.

"Yeah. Well, Earth doesn't even recognize this dump as a world that actually exists," Croc said. "Good luck arrangin' those extradition papers!"

"Papers?" Kotaro grinned. "We're just gonna beat you up, tie you up, and drop you in Gotham..."

"Do we have the right to do that?" Yuuki Rito asked.

Kotaro and Shirou looked at him. "Eh?!" they said as one.

Rito, in the buff as well and looking almost as weary as Negi, gave them a jaded look. "Yami-chan is also guilty of several assassinations in other worlds, are we beating her up and dropping her on the doorsteps of the Galaxy Police? How many wanted posters have we seen for Evangeline-san all through this world? We aren't the law, haven't we learned, from fighting Cosmo Entelecheia, that not everything is in black and white...?"

"Oh, come on!" Kotaro slammed a hand on the water. "Are you really saying we should let this bastard go?!"

"The second he commits a crime here and we can prove it, the second we should take him down," Rito said. "Yen Sid-sama once told me that altering the balance between the worlds, even for good purposes, is a mistake, and I didn't understand him at first, but..." He sighed. "We have changed too much already, as it is..."

Negi finally raised his eyes, to look into Croc's serpentine, starkly yellow ones. "Do you think," he said, "that you could actually turn a new leaf here? After leaving the Joker's side?"

"I'll tell you that after being here, I don't really want to go back to Gotham," Croc said. "There, I was just a freak, but here, I can walk across the street an' nobody will look at me twice! I'm just another lizard man! It feels actually good, man!"

"Yeah, well, but you'd keep being a criminal all the same, wouldn't you?" Shirou accused him. "We can't, and shouldn't, just let you do that..."

"Maybe you can get him a job with Tosaka-san in the arena, Kotaro-kun," Morisato Keiichi spoke at last, from where he'd been watching the conversation, soaking in the warmth you-know-how. "A gladiator, perhaps he'd like that, right?"

"Busting skulls f'r fame and money is somethin' I can do, yeah," Croc said. "I used to be a wrestler, yanno!"

Kotaro frowned. "I suppose..."

"All right!" Keiichi said, filling a glass and raising it. "Then let's drink to it! Those of us who can, that is! Everyone deserves a second chance, they say!"

Negi sighed. "We've forgiven Tsukuyomi, Sextum, and her assistants, so like Rito-san said, it'd be hypocritical from us singling him out..."

Croc guffawed and gave him a light knuckle bop on the jaw, which would have shattered a normal man's lower face. Negi only groaned at it. "I misjudged you, boy! You too, girly-brat! You're alright in my book!"

"Who's a girly-brat?!" Rito growled.

"I'll even give you some advice!" Croc patted Negi's back. "Don't be so blue over your old man! I never even knew mine, and I turned out fine!"

"Is that... Is that truly the best point of reference you can give him?" Itoshiki asked.

"Right, right!" Chamo laughed nervously. "We're all good friends now, that's nice! We can even engage in the best bonding subject between healthy males in the bath, that sure will help wash my Bro's worries away!"

Croc scowled at him. "What's this 'bonding 'tween males in the bath' crap, ya rat?! Yer comin' on to me or sumthin'?!"

"Uwaaaaaa!" Chamo freaked out, his fur sticking up. "No, no, no Sir, I never meant that! I'm only talking about paying the girls a courtesy!"

"Courtesy?" Negi asked.

Chamo nodded rapidly, bringing his paws together in pious fashion. "Beautiful women in the nude are right next to us, separated from us merely by that wall, as we speak! Ignoring the call of their youthful exhuberance would be a major offense tainting their honor!"

"Now that you mention it, it's weird that Rito hasn't just broken that wall down yet through some accident or another," Natsu mused aloud.

"Aye!" Happy said, nodding.

"Here we go again..." Keiichi sighed.

"Ah, so you mean peeking on them," Croc said. "But aren't you a rat? Whaddya gain from seeing naked women? You some kinda deviant or anything like that?"

"And you're a crocodile!" Chamo snapped.

"I'm a man who happens to have lotsa scales, sharp teeth, snake eyes, an' sometimes a tail!" Croc roared, making Chamo backpedal in fear again. "But you're a rat, fully a rat an' anyone can see that! Not the same thing, smartass!"

"He's an ermine, actually," Negi said blandly.

Everyone turned to look at him again.

"You're really depressed," Chamo said sadly. "At this point, you're always already scolding me and getting on my case..."

Negi said nothing.

Chamo jumped on him and hugged him tightly.

"Oh... Oh, I get it!" Croc said. "The lil' guy was saying that just to see if he could make him laugh with his fake pervert act...!"

"Errrrr, yes, sure, let's go with that," Itoshiki said, taking his glasses off, polishing them, and then putting them back on.

 

[OverMaster]

Elsewhere, in another section of the female baths, Tohru, as naked as the day she'd be born, but, you know, in humanoid form, lowered herself into the warm water happily. "Ahhhh, that was a nice tour, thank you, Erza-san! Good to see they rebuilt this city well after I wrecked it!"

"Wait," Kobayashi said, helping the unclad Kanna into the water and then soaking her own rather flat bare body in as well. "You destroyed this city once!?"

Tohru blushed and looked away. "They attacked first, you know... back then, everyone was a bit paranoid about dragons, and... The city is more beautiful now than how it used to be, so I like to think I gave them a perfect chance for some much needed urban renovation!"

Kobayashi facepalmed. "Now I'm actually afraid someone will throw a magical bomb on us! Maybe we should leave..."

"Don't be like that, Kobayashi-san, I was a huge dragon all through that ugly affair, and it was generations ago!" Tohru pouted. "Nobody would recognize me today looking this way!"

"Now that's Natsu levels of tempting fate," the naked as a jaybird (because you know, all other kinds of birds are always fully dressed) Lucy Heartfilia exhaled, sitting next to the just as unclothed Erza Scarlet, Wendy Marvell and Carla. Carla was in her humanoid form, some of her long hair falling over her nipples and covering them. "Whatever will happen, will happen, I suppose."

"It's not like these people haven't hunted many, many of my species even when they meant no harm!" Tohru argued, slamming a hand on her own chest, so her large breasts bounced. Kobayashi and Wendy stared on with quiet envy. At the other side of the Fairy Tail girls, Anya Yurievna Cocolova, in nothing but her hair bows and an angry blush, took that a few steps further and bristled in anger. "Right, Misa-san, Madoka-san? You've been witnesses of how nasty people in this world can be, no offense to those present!"

Kakizaki Misa, in nothing but the hairpin in her head, frowned at her briefly. "Those speech manners, you have copied them from Colonel-san, haven't you? Anyway, yeah, I guess most people here have been rude to Madoka and me, but that's just because we landed in a bad spot..."

"For our next trip, I'm handcuffing myself to you, Sakurako," Kugimiya Madoka, with absolutely no clothes on, told the similarly undressed Shiina Sakurako, who sat by her. "That way it's guaranteed that I'll have a safe landing!"

Sakurako smiled. "Oh, Madoka-chan! You'll have to ask Satomi-chan. I'm not sure she'd approve...!"

Hakase Satomi, completing the group of 3-A students present there, sighed. Only her bare shoulders, neck and head were seen above the surface, but for your information, dearest reader, the only things she was wearing were her round glasses and the tiny bands keeping her braids tied. "I trust you, Sakurako. Right now, I'm the most worried about Governor Godel. I really do not like the way he looks at me..."

"Well, you have filled out nicely in the time we were separated," Misa teased her. She reached under the water, grabbed a bare foot of Hakase, and lifted it, so her leg was visible. Misa's other hand ran up and down the wet limb. "Look at these gams, what were you doing with her this whole time, Saku-chan?! Hmmmm!"

"Kyaaaa!" Satomi gasped and shook her leg free. "D-Don't do that!"

"Good thing I'm not a jealous woman ha-ha," Shiina laughed rigidly.

"You're right, a jealous woman, or man for that matter, is a very terrible thing indeed," a familiar voice opined. All of the (naked) girls blinked many times, and then stared at (the also very naked) Tsunetsuki Matoi, sitting crosslegged on the edge of the pool, and quietly kicking her feet in the water. "What? Why are you so surprised?"

"Ah!" Tohru said. "You were here?!"

"Yes, always," Matoi answered.

Misa looked wildly in all directions. "Where's Chisame?! I didn't see her get in! I thought she was with the Pink Spore!"

"Fu!" Matoi pouted. "I've learned a lot during the time I was forcibly separated from Chisame-sama! Distance made our love stronger, and it taught me that I don't need to be right behind her at all times! That way, I only annoyed her! This way, the time we spend together is even more precious and valuable!"

"Sounds like a lesson some others might benefit from learning..." Kobayashi opined.

"Oh, absolutely!" Tohru said. A pause. "Who are you talking about, though?"

"Senpai!" Sakurako said. "Congratulations! It's good to see you've undergone some much needed character development!"

"You have bugged Chisame's bath basket and kept her monitored that way, don't you?" Hakase asked.

Matoi scowled. "Of course not! Do you think I'm such a simple minded obsessive? I can think ahead! I knew Chisame-sama would look there, so I put the bug in Louise's bath basket instead!"

"... it was too good to be real, huh..." Anya said dryly.

"By the way," Matoi said, pressing her hands on her own breasts to push them together, "I heard you were talking about body figure growth, so what do you think about my recent spurt? Do you think Chisame-sama and Negi-sama will like it?"

"I don't think you've grown at all," Satomi said.

"No, she has, just a bit..." Misa estimated. "Negi doesn't care too much about big boobs, but I suppose it's good for Senpai all the same. At least she won't end up a washing board after all..."

Kobayashi, Wendy and Anya doubled ahead, with large arrows suddenly sprouting from the backs of their heads.

"We... We shouldn't be talking about breasts here," Lucy said, shuddering. "We're bound to attract that person to us..."

Matoi blinked. "Which person?" she asked, right before being fondled from behind.

 

[OverMaster]

Mahou Sensei Negima! is the creation and intellectual property of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

Batman is the creation of Bob Kane and Bill Finger and the intellectual property of DC Comics.

---

Mahou Sidekick Negima!

---

Chapter One of Five.

---

"You'll be wondering why I asked you all to stay after classes," Negi Springfield said, moving around to sit on the desk, his legs dangling off it.

"You want to give me a Pactio," Asakura Kazumi said. "Chisame is here because you know she likes to watch, and Iinchou is here because she'll snap if you do it behind her back, Granted, she'll snap anyway, but not quite as badly."

"Not funny, Asakura-san!" Yukihiro Ayaka growled.

"I like to watch, she says!" Hasegawa Chisame growled as well. "That crap wasn't funny even when Haruna was saying it!"

"Um, Chisame-sama, are you sure this is a joke?" Tsunetsuki Matoi said, pointing at the white ermine sitting on top of Negi's head. "He is here, after all..."

Ayaka and Chisame stopped staring at Kazumi, and turned those quiet, tense glares at Negi. The red-haired boy laughed awkwardly, putting a fist behind his head. "W-Well... I know I've asked too much from you lately, but..."

"That isn't it, Sensei!" Ayaka said in a hurry. "You know I'd do anything for you!"

"We know, and that's good!" Chamo piped in happily. "Because we're about to ask for even more from you..."

"Chamo! Not the way!" Negi said, from between clenched teeth.

Chisame sighed deeply. "Okay. Alright. Fine, even! This obviously has something to do with the Blue Mars Project, correct?"

"Correct," Negi said sheepishly.

"But Iinchou's family is already investing on it, and my family and Chisame's just aren't influential," Asakura pointed out. "So it's not about money."

Negi took a quite long breath in and closed his eyes. "I've been called to America, to spend three months organizing the American development wing of Blue Mars under a major financial sponsor. Naturally, during that time I'll be forced to take a leave of Class 3-A and the rest of my pupils."

Ayaka paled horribly. "Oh, no. Oh no no no no!" she began wringing her hands madly. "You're still too young! Surely, someone else can do that!"

"I-- Iinchou's right, what do you even know about dealing with millionaires!? You're way over your head!" Chisame gasped. "This is insane!"

"You're too naive to know this," Matoi said, folding her arms, "but when Western millionaires get their hands on cute young people... well, it's difficult to explain, but have you ever heard of one Ghislaine Maxwell?"

"P-Please don't even say that!" Ayaka panicked.

Somewhere else, new Headmistress Hanezono Hahari sneezed suddenly and violently, in the middle of going over the school's rebuild budget. Several question marks appeared over her head while she rubbed her nose.

"It's out of the question! Denied!" Chisame said vehemently.

"I know you may have forgotten this after looking after him for so long, Chisame, but you actually aren't his legal guardian," Asakura said in a calm tone. "You can't decide that."

"No, but Nekane-san can!" Chisame said. "And she won't approve it, either!"

Matoi nodded very firmly.

"A whole world may depend on it..." Negi said meekly.

"That world will have to find itself another way!" Ayaka said. "You aren't the only capable person out there, but you're our only beloved homeroom teacher we couldn't live without!"

"We only need to bring Collet, Lucy-san, Wendy-san, Maria-chan and Catalina-chan in some of those real-world bodies, and then Magicus can burn for all I care," Matoi said callously. "Serves them right for hounding us for months and then throwing scraps at us after we save their--"

Negi glared disapprovingly. "Matoi!"

Matoi sniffled and looked aside. "Fine! Let's throw in Tabitha, too!"

"Johnny-san deserves a chance as well, and Mary-sama is a person I can't help but like despite everything," Ayaka mused aloud.

"I can't believe you're being like this!" Negi said.

"We just cannot help being worried for you!" Ayaka shot back, sobbing loudly. "America is a decadent, terrible society where mass shooters, supervillains, spree killers and drugged Hollywood stars are always on the loose! For the love of Kami-sama, Cheryl Blossom lives there! Under no circumstance America could ever be a safe place for you, even if you have become an unbeatable lighting demigod, an Adonis of white light, a flawless fighting machine of sleek beauty and grace, a--!"

"Actually, that's part of why the Bro was going to ask you girls to come with him to America," Chamo said.

Asakura, Ayaka, Chisame and Matoi tensed up, springing in wide eyed shock.

A dream sequence began running in Ayaka's mind. It showed her and Negi as chibis boarding a colorful Negi-plane and taking off from Japan towards America, laughing and smiling while a sobbing chibi Misa, Misora, Haruna, Yue, Nodoka and Louise stayed behind in Japan. The sun smiled above it all in a very cartoony way, and little Negi cherubs ornated every corner of the scene.

"On the other hand, America is so romantic as a place to visit in the company of a, a, a good friend!" Ayaka began panting madly, squeezing Negi's hands. "Three months, you say?! I'd spend the rest of my life with you in America, if you wish me to, Negi-sensei! America is great! The land of the Free! O say can you see, by the dawn's early light..."

"Why... Why us, though?!" Chisame could say at last, her tone strangled. "I mean, Iinchou I get, she's got connections everywhere and her English is perfect, but me...?!"

"You're my advisor, Chisame," he told her without daring looking into her eyes. "But, if you want to stay, I'll understand..."

"I, I haven't said that, you idiot!" Chisame scrambled for words. "Why are you always putting words in my mouth?!"

"Advisor, riiiiight...!" Asakura grinned cheekily. Before Chisame could demand what did she mean with that now, the pineapple-haired asked Negi, "And me? Because I've got no special talents at all. Is this some kind of guilt over not taking me to Mundus Magicus? You also could invite Ku Fei then..."

"We might need your gifts there, Kazumi-san," Negi said humbly, "Especially since we know what your alternate universe counterpart's Artifact does. We're going to navigate through environments where data gathering and intelligence tactics are key for success. I'm not that naive... anymore. We'll reward you properly, naturally..."

"So you want to give me a Pactio!" Asakura beamed.

Negi blushed and nodded. "Mmmm-hmmmm. If you wish so..."

"I'm in!" Kazumi said, winking and giving a thumbs up.

"The others are going to be furious, though," Chisame said soberly. "Leaving them for three months, so soon after the vacation?"

"I'll be back for the end of the term," Negi promised very solemnly. "I wouldn't dream of making you lose the chance to graduate with your friends."

"Actually, I think I could live with that," Chisame said, shrugging her shoulders.

"I have to admit graduation wouldn't be the same without rubbing on Asuna-san's face how I scored much better grades than her," Ayaka pondered.

Matoi began counting with her fingers. "Wait, three months? But... How long has passed since--"

"I wouldn't think about that if I were you, Sis, that way madness lies," Chamo said, puffing on his cigarette. "Just smile and nod at the narrative conveniences!"

"Class 3-A will be in the best of hands during my absence," Negi added. "I've arranged with the Headmistress for a suitable replacement to be appointed. One who will be more than up to the task of teaching your classmates and keeping them under control until our return."

"Who is that?" Chisame asked.

"That would be me, actually. Good afternoon, Negi," Sextum Averruncus said very quietly, entering the classroom and making Chamo and Matoi wonder how long had she been just waiting right outside the door, waiting for her cue. "Yes, I foresee no problems handling your pupils, even if you have spoiled them so badly. For starters, I don't see any need to take these three away with y--"

"NO, WE ARE GOING WITH HIM!" Ayaka, Chisame and Kazumi screamed in terror, leaping back from her and hugging Negi for protection all at once. Negi only sighed stoically, his head smothered in between their breasts.

The poor guy.

 

[OverMaster]

"There will be another participant in your party," Sextum informed the three students laconically. "A delegate from a Mundus Magicus country, sent to represent the collective interests of the assembled nations."

Negi nodded. "Yes. The inheritor to the throne of a prestigious state, well known for its adhesion to the global principles of justice and the enforcement of freedom everywhere."

"Where was this noble and righteous country while we fought to save their noble and righteous butts?" Chisame asked in a dry tone.

"We made sure to wipe them out first because they were enough of a threat, plus we wanted to spare them as much of the terror as possible," Sextum answered.

"You surely felt a connection with them, being so noble and righteous yourself," Chisame said, nodding.

"Yes," Sextum said. She paused. "Was that intended to be sarcasm?"

Ayaka rasped loudly to avert an incoming disaster. "And exactly who is this person, Sextum-san? Theodora-himesama, isn't that right?"

"No, that was discussed, but her appearance would be too difficult to disguise in public," Negi informed. "And she refused to shave her horns off."

"I offered to simply rip them off, it would be a quick and relatively painless process, but for some reason she refused," Sextum said. "I suppose her heart is not really on the mission, after all."

"Oh God, don't tell me it's Azula-himesama!" Ayaka paled, taking a hand to her own mouth.

"We did say it was a noble and righteous country, didn't we?" Sextum asked. "The Fire Nation has never fallen under that manner of description."

"Not even by your standards?" Chisame said.

"I will ignore your continued attempts to provoke me only this once..." Sextum warned.

"That dragon princess girl who looks like Emilia Clarke, then?" Matoi asked. "I'm not sure that'd be wise either."

"She's right outside right now, why don't you see her yourselves instead of keeping on wasting our time with this pointless charade?" Sextum shot back. She looked towards the classroom's door. "You can come in now. You should have entered with me, actually."

Asakura sighed, smiling and shaking her head. "She! Of course it'd be a girl..."

"Please come outside!" said a young, perky voice, coming not from the hall but from outside the window. Even Sextum had to blink in mild surprise. "I, I'd rather introduce myself in the open...!"

Sextum frowned, clearly annoyed. "What is the point of that? This is no game! You'll make a bad first impression on Neg- Prince Springfield!"

Negi winced. "Please don't call me that...!"

"Please, please!" the cute voice begged. "Humor me on this, Lady Sextum! This is a tradition of our royal house...!"

"Wealthy people, huh?" Kazumi gave a small huff.

"No doubt you think you're teasing me with that," Ayaka said soberly, "but I know those circles far better than you do. You have no idea how truly correct you are."

"I should have expected for this after talking with her father," Sextum monotoned, starting to walk outside. "Come with me, Negi. I'm actually sorry you'll have to put up with this kind of person for months."

They all came out to the front yard and looked around. There was nobody anywhere in sight. "Did... Did she just ditch us?" Chisame wondered.

"Maybe she was kidnapped?" Asakura frowned. "But they reinforced the security measures!"

"This person, despite her quirks, can take good care of herself," Sextum began. "Most likely, she is-"

"Up here...!" the happy voice came from above.

Everyone looked upwards, squinting at a figure standing on top of a very tall tree, posing against the sun, a cape flapping in the wind around their shoulders. The angle and lightning made impossible to make the facial features of the individual out, but they were short in stature, probably not that much taller than Nodoka or Murakami.

"Greetings, son of the Thousand Master, and savior of Mundus Magicus! Greetings, heroic companions from the Ala Alba!" the stranger shouted, extending an arm ahead. "My deepest apologies for failing to fight by your side! Please accept this as my way to atone! I'm an ally of Love and Justice, in a brand new body gifted to me to make my amends! The never ending battle for the wellbeing of everyone is only starting! Together, we will tackle this and succeed, so all children everywhere keep on smiling!"

"What the freaking fu-" Kazumi said faintly.

The mysterious figure grinned, slamming fists on their hips, and flashing a beautiful set of white teeth. "The Princess of Seyruun extends her friendship towards you, my fine warriors! Let us shake hands...!"

They leaped up, up, opening their arms and then starting to spin downwards, quickly, readying up for a graceful, impressive landing on their feet-

- but only landing facefirst on the pavement with a loud thud.

"GAHHHH!" Negi screamed, while Chamo, Chisame, Ayaka and Kazumi pulled several steps back, greatly startled. Sextum only grumbled. "Oh my God! Her neck!"

The short girl in white trembled a few times, then peeled herself back up, bleeding all over her cute face and smiling regardless. "It's alright! Sorry, I'm just having a few problems with this body! It feels a bit heavier than my real one, but I'm sure I'll master it before long... Pleased to meet you, I'm Princess Amelia Will Tesla Seyruun from the Royal House of Seyruun and I don't feel so good..." she hiccuped, dropping onto Negi just as he pulled one of his Pactio cards out and yelled a name.

"KONOKA-SAAAAAAAAAN!"

 

[OverMaster]

"There you go!" Konoe Konoka said, stepping back from the short haired girl. "Do you feel okay now?"

The girl blinked, stood up, and ran a hand down her face, smiling brightly. "Yes! Thank you so very much! You're much better with healing magic than me! You must be the fabled daughter of Konoe Eishun, the great hero of the blade!"

Konoka also blinked and blushed a bit, putting a hand on her own cheek. "Oh, you're so kind! And you would be...?"

Negi sighed, relieved. "Thanks a lot, Konoka. This is Amelia Hime-sama, princess of Seyruun. Hhm, I hope I didn't pull you away from anything important."

"No, just a meeting of the fortune telling club," Konoka said, waving a hand. "No big deal, everyone there knows about magic by now! A princess, then? To what do we owe this honor?"

"Negi-sensei will be taking me with him to America for three months on important world saving business, and Amelia Hime-sama will be accompanying us in a capacity of official observer!" Ayaka was quick to boast. "Please give the news to Asuna-san, will you, Konoka-san?"

Konoka's eyes shrank to the size of diminutive black dots. "Eeeeehhhhh?!"

"Hey, Iinchou," Kazumi said. "Chisame and I will be coming along as well, remember?"

"And me," Matoi said quietly.

"Has he invited you specifically, as well?" Sextum asked.

"There's no way to pull Chisame and Matoi-san apart from each other," Negi said. "Even Mundus Magicus failed at the task."

"Too true!" Matoi cooed, hugging Chisame's arm. The younger girl only moaned stoically.

"No, no, n-no, wait!" Konoka waved her hands. "America?!"

"Well, yes, Sensei will be needed there for the purposes of organizing the Blue Mars Project, but he can't go alone," Asakura told her. "Chisame is the advisor, Iinchou is the one with contacts, and I'm supplying the intel. Sensei himself will be the muscle if anything ever goes wrong, naturally."

"Oh my! Misa, Misora and the Vice Prez will be angry!" Konoka said.

"It'll be only three months, they'll be over before you realize it!" Ayaka said. "It's not like America is filled with nothing but random shooters, supervillains and spree killers! Overall it's much safer than Mundus Magicus!"

"What part of America are we going to live in, anyway?" Chisame asked, with a sense of dread sinking in.

"Gotham City," Negi said.

Chisame, Matoi, Konoka, Asakura and Ayaka all froze in situ.

"Yes, the home of the famous Batman!" Amelia gushed, apparently oblivious to the terror painted on the faces of her age peers. "That's part of why I asked being given this assignment! The Nocturnal Knight, hero of a million resources, no doubt we'll run into him at some point! Maybe we'll even run into Superman since they are friends and-!"

"No, no, no, why Gotham?!" Ayaka cried. "It's filled with nothing but random shooters, supervillains and spree killers!"

"Because that's where Bruce Wayne lives, Ayaka," Negi said, ever patient. "It was him who extended me an invitation to live in his manor for that time, helping me navigate through the negotiations in America."

"Bruce Wayne!" Kazumi said, regaining her enthusiasm. "America's second most wanted millionaire bachelor!"

"You aren't thinking of-" Chamo began.

"Of course not, I'm just thinking about interviews!" Asakura interrupted him. "Getting Bruce Wayne to talk about his personal life? That's the kind of achievement that can forge a great journalistic career! Oh, Negi-kun! How can I ever thank you...?"

Chamo chuckled perversely, with a glint in his eye. "Oh, I can think of a few ways...!"

"Shut up," Chisame told him, curtly. "Just... shut up, alright? By the way, Konoe, sorry to tell you, but she'll be teaching Homeroom and English while we're away making sure Sensei isn't killed by Polka-Dot Man or someone like that."

Konoka blinked, followed Chisame's pointing finger to the poker faced Sextum, and made a dubious expression. "Are you even actually qualified to teach? I mean, like with a diploma and everything?"

There was a long, uncomfortable silence from all parts involved.

"Maybe," Sextum offered then, "I should leave with Negi and you all should stay to be schooled by Itoshiki Nozomu or-"

"We're fine! Really! Fine the way we are, thanks!" Kazumi tossed her hands up. "Hey, Chamo-kun, what about starting that Pactio right now, huh?!"

 

[OverMaster]

Sextum had excused herself away, with as much of a frown as she could muster, and now Chamo was drawing the magic circle at the middle of the boulevard, singing to himself happily as he moved the piece of chalk in his paw with great skill.

Amelia looked in all directions. "Are you sure you want to do this in the open?" she asked.

"Pretty much everyone in Mahora knows about magic already," Chisame said apathetically. She pointed at Negi. "This guy's fault."

"I see," Amelia said. "And yet, you escaped the punishment reserved for those infractors, Professor! I can't approve of your methods, but I admire your resourcefulness!"

"Most of that was due to us saving his butt one way or another," Chisame confided her.

Ayaka scowled. "Chisame-san! Don't you start diminishing Sensei's merits now!"

"No man is a hero to his valet," Kazumi sentenced.

"What is that supposed to say about me?!" Chisame growled.

"Ready!" the ermine said, moving back from the now glowing circle. "If you do it quick enough, Kazumi-sis, it'll still have juice for a Pactio with the Princess too!"

"Mr. Chamo, I can't submit myself to any Magister or Magistra that easily!" Amelia chided him. "Besides, I'd turn into the Magistra, I assume..."

Negi sighed. "That wouldn't be possible, I already have a Magistra, and that Pactio makes it impossible for anyone else to function that way in a magical contract with me. Asakura-san, if you're ready..." he added, walking onto the circle.

"Just call me Kazumi already!" the girl said, stepping in as well, so they stood before each other. "I was born ready!"

"That's good to hear," Negi said evenly, and then pushed himself up on the tip of his feet. In return, Kazumi lowered herself a bit so their lips came close, although she noticed that she didn't have to go as low as she'd thought previously. Clearly, he had grown a fair bit during the vacation.

Either way, she didn't think much of it, and she didn't hesitate before pressing her lips on Negi's.

"NNNNNGHHHHHH!" Ayaka said, biting deeply into her own thumb.

"I thought you'd be used to this by now, Iinchou?" Konoka asked affably.

"It never gets much easier," Matoi said, looking at Chisame's slightly frowning face, her eyes unreadable under the now rather opaque glasses.

Negi shuddered, feeling Kazumi deepen the kiss while the light jumping from the drawing burned around them, punctuated by Albert's cackling. Her kiss was much like Haruna's, less intense and ravaging, but just as thick and wet in texture. He shivered further, feeling her tongue sneaking into his mouth and rubbing against his, and he wondered if he'd been wrong in his estimations about her feelings towards him. But before the troubling thoughts could go further, he heard Chamo's shout of "READYYY!", and then the young woman pulled back from him, smiling thriumphally.

The card appeared spinning in the air, and Konoka moved ahead swiftly to intercept it in her open hand. "Congratulations, Kazumi-chan," she said gently, giving it to her classmate, and Asakura smirked and nodded her thanks.

Then she looked at the card, which had her image, wearing an open dark blue jacket over her uniform, and with a small white drone floating by her side. Under her and her name, the title Reportatrix Denudans. "Ohhh, this sounds kind of kinky!" she said.

"Don't push your luck," Ayaka warned her laconically.

Asakura showed the card to Negi. "Sensei, is this was you were expecting for?"

Negi took a look at it and nodded. "Yes, it's much like that of the other Kazumi-san. So it should work the same way, as well. Thank you, Kazumi-san. It's getting late, so we'd better go back home, and I'll start teaching you about the functions of your Artifact tomorrow..."

"Where are you staying, Hime-sama?" Konoka asked Amelia.

"Oh, just call me Amelia!" Amelia laughed, slapping Konoka in an easygoing way on a shoulder, making the other girl wince in mild pain. It seemed that she didn't know her true strenght. "Don't worry about me, I'm staying with Professor Touko until it's time to board the big metal whaleship to America!"

"Here we call them airplanes," Ayaka said.

"What a strange name for a whaleship!" Amelia marveled.

"And what about the girls? When are we telling them about this?" Konoka asked.

"Um, well, yeah. You tell Kagurazaka and Sakurazaki, okay?" Chisame said. "I'll tell Satomi, and she'll tell Shiina, who in turn will tell the other two cheerleaders, and they'll tell everyone else, so they'll handle it while the rest of us hide in Eva's resort until it's time to fly to America, okay? They'll do our job for us while we hide from the shockwaves until we're in another continent! A flawless plan!"

"Your poor fool," Ayaka said glacially. "Do you really think we'll be any safer with Evangeline-san?"

"Crap. Fair point," Chisame gulped.

Amelia blinked. "I don't get it. They're your friends, aren't they? Why are you acting as if you were afraid of them?"

"We aren't afraid. We are terrified!" Chisame made it clear.

Amelia laughed. "Come on! The power of true friendship is a beautiful, loving miracle! There is no reason to fear any of your... frie-"

A mental image of Lina Inverse appeared above Amelia, and she trembled in sudden fright, sobbing a bit. "Never mind...! I understand completely! I shouldn't have been so judgemental...!"

Matoi blinked at her. "You are a very strange girl."

 

[OverMaster]

Fate/Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm, Fate EXTRA, Fate Extella, Fate Hollow Ataraxia, Fate Grand Order, Fate Zero, Fate Kaleid Prisma Illya, Fate Apocrypha, Fate Prototype, Fate: Today's Menu for the Emiya Family, Fate Requiem, Fate Strange/Fake, Fate School Life, Fate Tiger Colosseum, Fate Unlimited Codes, Fate Capsule Servant, Fate: Lord El-Melloi II Case Files and Fate Type/Redline are the creations and intellectual properties of Type-Moon and Nasu Kinoko.

All other franchises and characters mentioned within this story are the intellectual properties of their respective copyright and trademark holders.

---

We Come to Kill Emiya Shirou.

Chapter Three.

---

Cracky Races.

---

The city was bustling with festivities and happiness once again. All four of the main Academies and all of the minor ones had closed their doors for the day. The sky was blue and clear, and the sun was bright, scorching. The streets were full of thrilled tourists and locals crowding towards the Lexcorp Racing Collosseum, from where massive speakers were broadcasting a peppy female voice all through the Mahora Valley.

"It's finally here!" the voice was saying. Happy like a blue cat, and Loud as a Lincoln. "The Fifth Holy Grail War! The real one this time! Everyone has been sprung from jail, bails have been lawfully paid, and history's greatest warriors won't hold back in their clash! We'll be bringing you this sonic-speed ground battle live from the Academy City suburban special course! I am Fujimura Taiga, the Tiger of Mahora, gao! Next to me, lovely guest commentator Kirisu Mafuyu!"

The voice of another woman sighed, primly. "How do I let you convince me of doing things like this?"

"A real mystery for the ages, neee?" Taiga's voice said. "The competitors are waiting to start, so let's see how are they doing!"

"A race now, seriously?" Artoria Pendragon huffed, folding her arms and wearing her full combat attire. "It's not as bad as that moronic game show idea, but even so..."

She, Shirou, Illya, Berserker, Rin and Vigilante were standing at the borders of the smaller crowd of contestants waiting for the race to start, near the beginning point. They did their best to ignore the vigorous chanting of the Saber and Rin fan clubs behind the yellow tape lines.

"It's not a bad idea, Saber," the boy tried to sway her. "It's much less lethal for all involved than a real war, never mind a TV contest!"

Illya tapped a foot down. "Harrrumphhhh!"

"What I want to know is," Tohsaka looked down at the humanoid duck in the purple suit, cape and hat, "why am I stuck with you again? In the previous segments I had Archer!"

"That's right; you aren't even a real Servant!" Illya nodded. "I studied hard in Europe all there is to know about grail wars, and I never read anything about your class!"

Vigilante gritted his beak and rolled his eyes around. "It's like the Assassin class, stealthy and predominantly nocturnal, but based on defense and protection. Not on murder."

"A Servant who isn't focused on killing? Lame!" Illya said. "Lame, you would be lame even if you weren't a duck!"

"How can you be stealthy when you invariably announce yourself with a flashy entrance before attacking?" Saber questioned him.

Vigilante pulled the hat down to his eyes. "This never happens to Batman!"

"Batman is stealthy," Shirou said.

"You too?!" Vigilante yelled at him. "You'll be sorry when you see my Ratcatcher! A unique machine of urban warfare, the ultimate motorcycle for the vogue superhero! With her, my ungrateful Master and I are going to win the race, sure as eggs!"

Artoria smirked. "Fancy modern transportation means are unreliable! I will summon my mighty steed, Llamrei, and he will carry Shirou and me to success! And I do have the Riding skill... unlike you!"

"Can you even do that without being a Rider?" Illya asked her dubiously.

"I thought Llamrei was a mare?" Tohsaka asked.

"And I'm supposed to be a man, what are you trying to say?" the King scowled at her.

"Um, about that..." Shirou pointed at a stand where Bazett, Kakizaki Misa, Kugimiya Madoka and Shiina Sakurako, wearing skimpy and colorful uniforms with miniature skirts, were distributing sticks from a box marked 'Lottery' between the Masters and Servants. "The organization thought it'd be unfair if everyone summoned the vehicles they are familiar with, so they will be distributed randomly by drawing lots..."

"Whaaaaat?! And now you tell us?! Imbecile, we'll miss on the best chances!" Rin said, quickly plowing her way through the crowd and yanking a stick from Madoka.

The others followed more quietly. "If it's a random pick, it doesn't make a difference when you pull yours, does it?" Saber said.

Vigilante shrugged. "That's how she rolls..."

"Bazett-san?" Shirou asked the clearly uncomfortable redhead among the younger girls. "Why are you here, shouldn't you be with Lancer as his Master?"

Bazett coughed. "Emiya-san. I respect Cu Chulainn with absolutely no reserves, and I don't have any doubts on any of his capacities... but after those two prior chapters, I am not getting in a racecar with him."

"Wise from you indeed," Saber approved.

"We'll now introduce the first competitors!" Taiga announced. "Let's give an applause to Himemiya Anthy-chan, former Rose Bride of Ohtori Academy, and her Archer!"

"Oh, Utena-sama!" the tanned Anthy gushed, hugging a big, sleek sports car painted bright pink. "This is Fate, working for us to Stay together this blessed Night!"

Standing next to her, Archer Nameless raised a white eyebrow. "Utena? Isn't that the name of your ex?"

"Technically she is my husband since she won the right to the Rose Bride in battle, Archer," Anthy said.

"That part I got, but why is she a car?"

Utena honked a few times to explain.

"Is that supposed to clear anything out?!" the man barked.

Smiling as enigmatically as ever, the girl caressed the windshield. "Didn't you ever watch the Adolescence of Utena movie?" she asked EMIYA.

"Uh... no?" he said.

"Hey, Archer!" another voice called out from behind. The Nameless Hero sighed and turned to face Rin and her Vigilante.

"Hello, Rin," the man said. "Been a while."

"You got The Pink Panther's jalopy, I see!" Rin laughed. "Look at the much better deal we got!"

Archer stared at the admittedly fancy car parked next to the couple. It was sleek and functional-looking, nowhere as bombastic as 'Utena'.

"Good for you guys, I suppose?" he said.

The duck smiled at the mage. "We left him speechless, Master. Right?"

"Oh ho ho!" Rin laughed. "Cars are machines I can deal with! I'm an expert driver, and Vigilante is not bad either!"

The duck blinked. "Are you going to be at the wheel? But you are a minor!"

"If I can kill others in a duel of magic using superpowered familiars, why can't I drive a car too?" And she hugged the ride. "My dear Unit Get Money! I can win with this, even if I had Jose Carioca as a Servant!"

EMIYA sweatdropped. "Now, let's not go that far, Rin..."

Medea and Akashi Wataru were presented with an old and classic family car, painted white. "Caster and Wataru-kun have been gifted with the Unit Honeymoon!" Taiga said. "What if we hear some opinions of the audience on this?"

"This freaking thing is arranged!" Yuuna's voice roared from a point in the audience. "That woman is using magic to alter the lottery!"

Medea put a hand to her cheek, and blinked innocently. "Oh dear! Who could that childish uproar belong to?"

"Old haaaag! Old haaaaaag!" Yuuna chanted.

"And now, Lancer! His machine will be the Gae BolCar!"

The slender Irish warrior in tights posed, smiling smugly with a helmet under his arm, next to a red and black dragster. "I'm gonna come first for sure!" he said.

From where she sat in attendance, Scathach sighed. "Just like always..."

Musashi, who was sitting next to her, blinked. "Why are you even here without a Master anyway? Who summoned you?"

The Witch bopped her spear mildly on Musashi's head. "How ignorant about Fate lore can you get? The Land of Shadows hasn't been burned in this continuity, I wasn't killed so I don't need to be summoned."

"Okay, you are still alive, but why aren't you trapped in the Land of Shadows then...?" Miyamoto asked.

Scathach waved a hand at the question. "I'm that awesome. What about you?"

"Well, you know my gig, that's getting drunk and waking up in some other dimension, ha ha ha!" Musashi said happily, waving a jar of sake around.

"He heh! I think we can be friends, then!" laughed stupidly a big, fat bald man with yellow skin, with a toaster held in his hands.

"Moving on!" Mafuyu went on. "The Matou Shinji and Medusa team picked-"

"Hey!" Ikari Shinji said from where he sat on the front basket of a granny bike, with the always stoic Medusa at the wheel. "You got the wrong Shinji, Sensei!"

"Sorry," Mafuyu apologized then. "I don't know why, but I always mix up my disappointing, good for nothing students named Shinji."

Shinji sulked. "I can take the humiliation of racing like this, but not one of being called Matou Shinji!"

"Pay her no attention, Master," Rider said. She was wearing a body hugging black and white spandex outfit and her glasses. Photo flashes went off, everywhere, and there were many wolf whistlings and leerings. "My Riding skill is ranked A+. Let's go, Unit Pegasus!"

Shinji sighed. "I trust you fully, Rider. Still, I can't help wishing we'd gotten an Evangelion..."

"I promise you will get to wear the bodysuit next time, dear Master," the Rider promised him.

"And the Shirou-kun and Saber team have picked..." Taiga said. The Saber fans leaned ahead, eyes widening in expectation.

"The Wild Animal!" Mafuyu wrapped the sentence up.

"Oh, wow," Negi said, sitting at the right of a knuckle-biting Yuuna, with Chisame distracted by her laptop at his other side. "That sounds like a powerful vehicle. Probably something as awesome as a Batmobile, or-"

Saber rode out of the vehicle stands on a merry go round lion shaped toy, a golden cartoon beast with goofy eyes. She smiled brightly, waving.

"Shirou...!" she called out. "Fortune has smiled upon us...!"

"What the funk?!" Shirou said.

Saber's fans and half of the crowd facefaulted.

Saber blinked at Emiya's flabbergasted face. "Ah? You don't like it? The lion is a perfect symbol of royalty, what better mount for us to- to-" Then the go-lion stopped. She pouted, and she extended a hand at him. "Gimme 100 yen."

"It needs money, too?!" Shirou said.

"Anastasia Romanova and Kadoc Lupus in the Freezemobile, impounded from Victor Fries in Gotham City, USA!" Taiga said.

Anastasia smiled warmly, sitting at the wheel of the humongous armored vehicle.

"Isn't this wonderful, Master?" she asked the pale boy. "This tank matches the best of my capacities!"

Kadoc winced, sitting above her and manning a large cannon coming out the top of the Freezemobile.

"My butt is literally frozen to the seat!" he shared.

"Fujimaru Ritsuko and Galahad in the Mystery Machine!" Taiga continued.

"This is random," Ritsuko said, ready to start the colorful sixties van on. "You sure this is the original? Ain't that from a succesful franchise?"

"I heard that after the Velma show in HBO Max began they fell in hard times and had to rent this out," Shielder said, sitting by her side. "Nobody wants to watch that junk."

The head of a large Great Dane- that is, larger than the average Great Dane, if you can imagine it- peeked out the back of ther car between both females' heads. "I don't know Raggy ranymore!" the dog talked.

"Crap, they forgot to fumigate for animals!" Ritsuko said.

Shielder shrugged. "As long as Scrappy Doo isn't here too, Raster, I mean Master..."

Ritsuko facepalmed.

 

[OverMaster]

Mahou Sensei Negima is the creation and intellectual property of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

Fate Grand Order is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

---

Fate Negima Order.

---

Chapter One.

---

My name is Hasegawa Chisame, fourteen years old. I'm what you could call an average, mediocre even, Japanese teenager. And I'm proud of it! I like being unremarkable! I love not being able to stand out in a crowd!

No, seriously!

I never had dreams about the supernatural. I never wanted to learn anything about magic or somesuch. That's all nonsense and I still say that today. If I had had it my way, I'd have stayed behind in Japan when all of this stupidity started. But alas, one day, my parents came over and told me they were registering me into some overseas studies program. I'm convinced those two people hated me... even though I miss them so much.

At first I thought that they were taking me to America. I never dreamed that I'd be flown all the way into a frozen wasteland after so many hours of traveling across oceans, passing over nondescript tiny islands. We landed next to a gigantic building at the top of a massive ice mountain, they made me wear a heavy parka only to walk my way over to that place's gates (and even so I still froze my butt on the way there), and left me next to some kind of weird scanning system with an automatic female voice, very robotic in delivery.

"Base sequence: human genome confirmed. Alignment: Lawful Neutral," this voice said. "Welcome to the data center for the future of humankind. This is the Security Organization for the Preservation of Humanity, Chaldea. Fingerprint, voiceprint, and DNA authentication cleared. Magical Circuit assessment complete. Username matched. You are recognized as a member of the primates."

Now, I like advanced machines. They fascinate me, sort of. I truly believe that the future lies with them. Go machines! But having one call me a monkey is something I won't put up with.

So I said, very justifiably pissed off, "Have you just called me an ape?!"

"Nice to meet you. You're our final visitor today. We hope you enjoy your time here," the voice said, and the gates opened for me.

I really considered just turning around and walking back to the plane, but somehow it already had flown away while I wasn't looking without making any sound. That was fast! So I had no choice but going in or staying out there to die frozen. I walked in.

Looking back at it, I'm not all that sure I made the correct choice.

It took me a few minutes of wandering across that huge place to find someone. For all the technology they seemed to have there, they also seemed to be woefully understaffed. They must have had some really kickass cleaners since the floors were so polished you could see your reflection in them, and the walls and ceilings were likewise pristine.

"Greetings," a young woman told me, in a somewhat stilted and accented but passable Japanese. "You must be Hasegawa Chisame-san, right? Welcome to Chaldea," she added, bowing deeply.

I looked up and down at her. She was a real beauty, apparently a couple years older than me, a bit shorter but much more curvaceous, with rather bigger breasts. She had fair skin and very short pinkish-purplish hair, and was wearing a short skirt, an open white jacket over a black shirt, a red tie, thick square glasses, and very ugly brown shoes. A small white furry animal sat on the floor by her side, looking at me with shiny curious eyes. It must be from Australia, I thought.

"Um, yeah, that's me," I said. "And you would be...?"

"You can call me Mash Kyrielight," she answered politely. "This squirrel-like creature is Fou. He's a Privileged Life-Form allowed to freely walk around Chaldea."

"Fou! Kyuuu! Kyao!" the critter said.

"Ah... That's great?" I said, at a loss about what else to reply.

The awkward atmosphere between us was thankfully interrupted when some tall, old guy with thick brown hair and wearing a dark green suit and top hat came over, smiling pleasantly- or that's what any other person would tell you. I'm a bitter cynic so I just thought he was smiling smugly like some creep. "Oh, do we have another new entry?" he asked, also in Japanese, very thickly accented. "From the Nippon islands, right? I can tell from your appearance."

I'd like to look very Japanese, but I don't. I have a bit of a Western look to myself, what with the reddish light brown hair, so I had no idea how this dude had pegged my nationality from just a look. Odds were he'd read my profile before and was showboasting. I still had to be polite.

"Yes, Sir. Hasegawa Chisame from Tokyo."

"Hmm, Hasegawa-kun! So you're the last of the Japanese candidates. I'm Lev Lainur, one of the technicians employed here. Welcome to Chaldea. I'm glad you're here. How long was your training? A year? Six months? Three months?"

I blinked. "Training?"

"It seems that she's a mundane, Professor," the girl called Mash said quietly. "From what I read, she was one of those selected from random blood tests."

"Mundane?" I repeated. It was a step up from being called a primate, but I still felt insulted, for some reason.

"Oh? Well, now... I see," the man rasped. "We had an emergency opening for applicants to fill out numbers. Please forgive me, I was inconsiderate. But don't be discouraged because you're a public applicant! We need all of you for this mission!"

"I don't even have any idea what are you talking about," I confessed. Mash gave me a sympathetic look, although it was difficult to say for sure since one of her eyes was covered by thick bangs of hair falling on her face. You could say it was very moe.

"Fou?" the Fou thing said, tilting its head.

"Thirty eight elite mages, plus ten talented public applicants!" Lev laughed, apparently ignoring me by now, lost in the appreciation of his company or whatever this was. I didn't hold that against him so much, since it's what people tends to do around me, overall. "Somehow, we were able to gather all possible candidates on schedule!"

"I'll take you to the orientation class by Professor Springfield, Senpai," Mash told me, starting to lead the way down a side hallway. "Please follow me and don't stray away."

"Why, why are you even calling me 'Senpai'? You're older and obviously have spent more time here than me!" I said, rushing after her so I didn't have to stay with that creepy looking dude.

Hopefully, I hadn't been dragged into some Epstein situation.

 

[OverMaster]

Mash took me to a huge amphitheater and made me take a seat in the back rows. That Lev fellow had talked about forty eight candidates for whatever this was, but there seemed to be a lot more people than that there. It was packed to the ears, and I felt bad because I don't like crowds.

To make things more awkward, I was sitting between two busty and very rowdy girls my age. At least they were Japanese. "I there!" said one of them, who had long black hair and glasses. "I don't think I've seen you before!"

"Uh, no, I just arrived," I said. "My name's Hasegawa Chisame…"

"Nice to meetcha, Chisame!" She shook my hand strongly. I don't like being touched! "I'm Saotome Haruna, but everyone calls me Paru! Saotome, you know, like Saotome Ranma?"

I blinked. "Saotome… Ranma? Sorry, is that a professional athlete or a politician or—"

The other girl, a tomboyish sporty type with shorter dark hair, laughed. "It's some old anime character! Paru's a mangaka and she thinks everyone is on the same wavelength. I'm Akashi Yuuna."

"Ah… right. Nice to meet you… Akashi-san," I told her. "What's the purpose of this? It's some induction speech or…"

"Basically," Akashi replied. "Shh, pay attention. Here's Negi-kun!"

"Oh, Negi-kun!" Saotome sighed.

"Negi-kun?" I repeated, then saw a boy making his way up to a podium before us. He couldn't have been a day older than ten, and he had short dark red hair. He wore a well pressed dark green suit, not unlike Lev's, a red tie like Mash's, and shiny black shoes. He carried an olden up bandaged wooden staff attached to his back. "Is this a joke!?" I said in total disbelief.

The boy cleared his throat. "Good morning, everyone," he said through his microphone. "Most of you know me already. I'm Negi Springfield, from Wales, professor in summoning, linguistics and history…"

His voice was very accented, but also cultured and soft spoken, and he could speak flawless Japanese. "Huh," I said. "Some boy genius, huh? I suppose it makes sense for a special study program…"

"His speech is being translated by the speakers," Akashi said, while Saotome gushed at the boy. A shotacon type. I've seen them before. "But make no mistake, he can speak actual Japanese just as well!"

"What do you mean?" I asked in hushed tones.

"Well, of course that since we all come from different countries, we need automatic translators to understand each other, we can't all be gigantic multi-language nerds like him!" Akashi tried to explain. "You're a mundane, aren't you? Because otherwise you should know this already."

Again with that word. I frowned. "What if I am…"

The boy rasped loudly, as if he'd heard us all the way there. I fell quiet just in case.

"As I was saying," he went on, "our first training period starts today officially. We'll test your capacities, and those who are found the most qualified will attempt to summon your Servants."

"What is this, some kind of creative writing workshop?" I murmured. "Whatta load of chuuni crap!"

"Hush!" Saotome said. "Listen to Negi-kun!"

Instead of doing that, I tuned out most of what the brat was saying, thinking of ways to excuse myself away. Mash seemed to have left since I couldn't see her anywhere, or else I'd have asked her to take me to the bathrooms or something. I didn't care much about performing well in those tests. If this was some fantasy acting camp for a Marvel movie or something, I'd just flunk it and be sent back home.

Mom and Dad would be furious, but screw them, I thought. Served them right for sending me to that madhouse.

"So remember, if at any point you feel yourselves overburdened, tell me so and I'll arrange for a meeting with our physicists and the resident therapist," the boy said benevolently. "I'll now leave you with the woman who made all of this possible, Director Olga Marie Animusphere."

He stepped down, and another young lady, around Mash's age or probably only barely older, took his place. She had pale skin matching her silver hair, and a stern expression. She looked at all of us with a scowl and said, "I'll be brief since we are on a schedule, and you all would do well to remember that. Despite what Professor Springfield just said, it was my father, the late great Marisbury Animusphere, who made all of this possible. He created Chaldea from scratch with his own hands and drive, I only followed his lead. Hence, I must honor his effort with results."

"Is this the actual director, or just a figurehead?" I asked Akashi out a corner of my mouth. "She's not even college aged…"

"Lev-sensei runs most affairs, but she does have all ultimate authority, if she chooses to exert it," Akashi whispered back. "Don't talk, she hates it when we do that."

"I won't tolerate underachievers! If any of you is having second thoughts just leave already, we won't be needing your kind!" the girl at the front said. "Cowards and lazy individuals have no place in a battlefield!"

I blinked again. "Wait, did she just say—"

"SHHHHH!" Saotome said.

"Most of you have worked hard during years to be here so I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are always burdens to every enterprise! Those who don't think ahead of the tasks they must face!" the Director growled. "This is no summer camp! You aren't here to be pampered as great heroes! This is military service, and you'll be expected to do your best at every turn! Perform well and you will be rewarded! But you have to deserve it first, soldiers!"

I squirmed. "This, this isn't what I signed in for…!"

"Those of you who can summon Servants will face the greatest mankind has produced! You'll look at them in the eye and command them around!" the Director all but shouted. "If you want to be taken seriously by them, you need to have faith on yourselves, and the force of character to back that faith up! Make your families, my father's legacy, and our world proud, warriors of Chaldea!"

She lowered her head and said more softly, "Thank you, to those of you who will properly answer that call. That will be all for you. You can head to your rooms now. You'll be called to your tests one by one."

I was bewildered. "This is no school! This is… a terrorist cell?! I haven't ever touched a weapon!"

Akashi and Saotome were standing up already. Akashi grabbed my arm and pulled me up. "Chisame-san, take it easy! Boy, they did grab you fresh from the street, didn't they? Why would they do that?"

A sympathetic looking Saotome nodded. "Sorry, Hon, I really didn't know you were that ignorant! If you wanna get out, you can ask Yuuna-chan's dad and mom, they pull some weight here."

"Th-Thank you," I said, following them outside. "Servants? I don't understand that, either. Are they giving us, I dunno, subordinates to fight with us somewhere?"

I felt my knees weak under me. Saotome and Akashi helped me down the hall, one by each side. They traded concerned looks over my shoulders.

"We'll take you with Doctor Roman and Ako-chan, alright?" Saotome said. "They'll give you something for your nerves, and we'll hopefully explain everything while there!"

"Ah-hah… I guess?" I gulped, feeling my head spinning.

"Did you already meet Mash-chan?" Saotome asked on our way, trying to strike frivolous conversation. "What a hottie, isn't she?"

"Paru-chan. Not the time!" Akashi said.

"That's not to offend Chisame-chan here, she's also got a sexy charm of her own, very kind of girl next door…" the girl with glasses offered.

"Shut up or you'll need a doctor and nurse more than her by the time we get there!" Akashi threatened her.

I already could tell which of the two I could tolerate more.

 

[OverMaster]

"Ako-chan, we brought you a novice who lost her nerve," Akashi said as they brought me into a large medical wing, which was even cleaner than the rest of the complex. "Her name's Hasegawa Chisame,and she had a breakdown of sort while listening to the Director."

"It's not- I'm fine!" I protested. "It's the rest of people here who are wrong! Anyone would freak out hearing all of that!"

The short girl in the white nurse uniform looked at me for a few moments. She was very pale and had very short pale blueish hair, too. "I see... It's okay, Hasegawa-san, several others have had minor collapses already, too," she told me calmly. "Please sit over there, I'll call Doctor Roman right now."

I nodded and grumbled, heading over to sit down at a nearby chair. "That's Izumi Ako, my best friend," Akashi told me as the young nurse went into the next room. "You may think she's too young for this, but she's incredibly competent at her job as long as she isn't dealing with blood."

"Aren't nurses supposed to see blood all the time?" I asked. But before Saotome or Akashi could answer, Izumi returned, accompanied by a tall, thin young man wearing an open white coat over his uniform. "Ah, sorry. You must be the doctor, right? I didn't want to bother you, but-"

"It's not a bother! That's why I'm here, right?" the man laughed. "I'm the head of the medical department, Romani Archaman. For some reason, people just call me Dr. Roman. I don't know why, but it's easier to pronounce, so go ahead and call me Roman. Fact is, Roman has a nice ring to it, no? It sounds cool and vaguely sweet!"

"Hmmmm," I said non commitally. This guy was acting perfectly affable, and there was nothing wrong about him as such, but at first sight, and on a gut instinct, I didn't like him. Then again, I don't like most people, that's the way I am, so I didn't mind it much.

He gave me a basic checkout while Akashi and Izumi chattered, and Saotome watched over me with avid curiosity. Finally, he smiled and gave me a lollipop. What did he think I was, a baby? "There's nothing wrong with you but some stress, Hasegawa-kun! Take it easy, nobody's expecting a miracle from you or anyone in your first try!"

"Tell that to the Top Seven, rumor is they already summoned their Servants," Saotome said.

"I'm not even sure I want to try!" I said. "Nothing of what you do here makes any sense! Servants? You all keep on repeating that word but I don't think you know what it means! And why is a little boy, genius or not, teaching classes?"

Roman blinked. "You don't know about Negi's pedigree? He's Negi Springfield! Son of Nagi Springfield the Thousand Master! Everyone in the world of magic knows about them!"

"Magic...?" I said.

"She's a mundane, Doc," Akashi told him. "I don't think she even knows magic is real yet."

"Again with that world!" I roared. "Cut it out! Magic? What a joke!"

Saotome patted my shoulder. I shook it to take the hand off me. "Don't take it personally, Chisame-chan. I'm a mundane too! A muggle! Then again, they did tell me about magic before bringing me here..."

"You mean that they didn't tell her, seriously?" Roman asked. "That's very irresponsible from the recruiters! The Director must be told about it!"

"Oh my God. You actually believe all of that stuff, don't you?" I said. "You've been brainwashed! This isn't just a terrorist cell, it's also a brainwashing cult!"

Roman laughed lamely. "Eh heh heh! I know it's difficult to accept at first for most outsiders, Hasegawa-san! The magecracy has done a good job at hiding magic from the rest of the world for centuries. But it's real! How else do you think we could have built these facilities? An underground workshop built on a snowy mountain 6,000 meters above sea level..."

"It's not difficult to accept for everyone!" Saotome said. "I accepted it right off the bat!"

"That's because your mind works on a different wavelenght than everyone else's, Haruna-san," Izumi said quietly.

Lev's voice came through a speaker on the doctor's desk. "Romani, we're going to start the compatibility tests soon. Could you come in case there's an emergency? The A Team's in perfect condition, but B Team on down is less experienced and they are displaying some slight abnormalities. It probably is only anxiety affecting their synchronization, but all the same..."

"I'm on my way," the medic said. "What if I give them some anesthesia?"

"Don't joke! You know that's only a last resource!" Lev said, more stern than I'd heard him ever before that. "If you put them to sleep, what is the point of the exercise? Hurry up! If you're in the infirmary, then you can get here in two minutes."

"Whoa... Why do you always expect so much from me?" Roman complained, and turned the speaker off. "It's gonna take five minutes from here, no matter what... Well, I think they'll forgive me for being a little late! A Team has no issues anyway!"

"Doctor, you should do as he says. Please don't push your luck," Izumi lectured him.

Without paying attention to her anymore, this irresponsible man smiled at me. "Have you met him already? His name is Lev Lainur. He's the magus who created the Near-Future Observation Lens, Sheba... A telescope used to observe the pseudo-planet Chaldeas. Sheba not only observes Chaldeas, but also serves as a surveillance system for most of this facility."

"I have no idea whatsoever what does any of that mean," I said. "Are you genuinely insane?"

Roman waved a hand. "Basically, think of it as a way to observe a projection of our world in the close future. That way we can be prepared for what lies ahead! So we have taken preparations that include bringing you girls and your partners, so you can become the next batch of Masters out to protect mankind."

"I'm still not understanding anything!" I said.

Then the lights went out.

"Were you prepared for this as well?" I asked.

"I know I wasn't!" Izumi said.

I yelped, and swung a hand, slapping Roman's face in the dark.

"Owch!" he said. "What was that for?!"

"Y-You just touched my ass! Pervert!" I said.

"No, he didn't. He wouldn't, the Doctor is not that kind of man," Izumi said.

"Well, someone did it regardless!" I said.

Another slap sounded.

"Why me, then?!" Saotome was heard whining.

"My ass was grabbed as well and you were standing between Chisame-san and me!" Akashi was heard growling.

"If it's any consolation, I was aiming for Ako-chan, I didn't mean to touch either of you!" Saotome said.

There was the loud noise of a third slap.

"Maybe we should castrate you chemically already!" I heard Izumi huffing.

 

[OverMaster]

The whole building shook again as we advanced through the darkness.

"It's sabotage, it has to be," Doctor Roman said, leading the group. "They must have planted several charges across the facilities!"

"Or maybe all of this so called super tech collapsed at some point and this is a chain reaction?" I wondered.

Roman scoffed. "That's impossible. Da Vinci designed the complex herself! There's no room for mistakes!"

"Who?" I asked.

"One of the Servants," Akashi said, feeling her way through the dark. She checked on her phone again. "Doc's right, they must be interfering with the communications too, somehow. I can't contact Mom or Dad."

"I only hope they're well," Izumi said very quietly, like a scared bunny.

"They are!" Akashi said firmly. "W-Why wouldn't they be?!"

We hadn't found anyone else yet, but we heard distant screams. The speakers sizzled occasionally, spasming into static and garbled words, but no sense could be made from them. However, soon we reached a corner from around which two voices could be heard. I recognized them. "Are those the boy and Mash-san?" I asked.

"Yeah!" Saotome rushed past Roman. "Negi-kun, Mash-chan! We're here! Are you alright?"

"Saotome-kun, be careful!" Roman tried to reach for her. "It might be a trap, someone posing as them!"

He didn't have to worry about that, though. We followed Saotome into a large machine room of sorts, where Negi Springfield was crouching in front of Mash, who was pinned to the floor by a large piece of a broken pillar on top of her. Only her legs and her upper section, from right under the breasts, were seen, but she didn't seem to be bleeding, against all logics.

"Mash!" Roman cried, distraught as he, too, crouched next to her, taking her pulse. "Hold on there, girl! Don't strain yourself!"

"Oh… Oh, thank goodness," a very pale Springfield looked at Izumi, Saotome and Akashi. "All of you are all right! And you as well, Miss.. H-Have we met before?"

"Hasegawa Chisame," I said. "I was there listening to your speech. Is she… you know…"

Springfield bit on his lower lip, seeing Roman tending to Mash and asking her several questions in a low tone. "Mash is… stronger than she appears. Even so… I just don't know!" He began panicking. "I, I have applied healing spells on her, but the weight placed on her starts crushing her again right afterwards!"

"Can't you use a spell to take that thing off her?" Saotome asked. "Something like, say, shattering the pillar into dust?"

"I could, but having all of the weight removed immediately might make her inner organs burst from the inside, before I could heal them," Springfield sniffed, trying not to be heard by Mash. I saw Fou again, walking in circles around Mash and licking her hands every so often. "I, I, I don't know what to do!"

Roman walked back to us. "Negi," he told the child in a serious voice. "She wants you to hold her hand."

Springfield nodded, then walked back to her. He crouched again and grabbed her hand gently, rubbing it with tenderness and starting to whisper what I supposed were words of support. Mash seemed calm enough, I suppose, and I had to admire her a lot more then since I'd have been freaking out in her position. From what she whispered back, I could make out at least one quick apology.

Roman stepped back, but Akashi, Izumi and Saotome approached them instead, their heads hanging low. After a moment of doubt, I did it too since it seemed the right course of action to take.

Springfield began crying streams of tears, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry!" he told Mash. "I wish I could've done something to help you…!"

Then there was a massive flash of blue light all around us, even as another explosion boomed several stories above us. I heard Roman yelling and stumbling back, and then a powerful burst of stomach turning vertigo took over, disorienting me so I fell to my hands and knees, barely avoiding slamming my face on the cracked, dirtied floor.

When I came back to my full senses moments after, everything around us had changed. Izumi, Akashi, Saotome, Springfield, Fou, Mash, and the pillar crushing Mash still were there, as well as the section of floor we had been on, but we were not in Chaldea anymore. Instead, we were surrounding by a vast wasteland on fire.

From a few ruins still standing amidst the blazes, one could tell that place had been a city once. A gigantic tree stood on top of a distant hill, overlooking the scorched lands. The tree itself was burning, like a humongous torch, and even the sky was black and red, with a scarlet moon.

"What the-!" I said.

"D-Don't look at me, I have n-no idea either!" Izumi shrieked, clinging onto Akashi rapidly.

"Whoa," Saotome said. "We Rayshifted!"

"We what?!" I demanded. "Stop talking in riddles, damn you!"

Akashi gulped. "We… We were displaced through space and time. That's the objective of this project, Rayshifting us where we are needed with our Servants. But it shouldn't be done this way!"

Springfield had paled horribly, still holding Mash's hand but trembling from head to toe. "F-Fire…!"

"Fou! Fou!" Fou said, hopping in circles with its fur standing up.

"Wh-What's the bunny rat doing?!" I asked.

"He's feeling danger," Izumi shivered, all but hugging Akashi now. "How do we get back?! How do we get back, Yuuna?!"

"Calm down, Ako!" Akashi said. "The Doc was left behind, odds are he'll figure out what happened and have us pulled back!"

"How long until then!?" the mangaka asked. "The systems aren't operational! We aren't even sure the Doc survived!"

"You're supposed to be the optimist! Stop asking questions I have no answers for!" Akashi growled.

I swallowed hard. "We… We are fuc—"

Before I could complete the sentence, a human figure walked out of the closest flames to face us.

 

[OverMaster]

Crisis on Infinite Neighbors.

---

Secret Origins.

---

The Yellow Kid.

"Your origins?" the nun echoed him. "I'm afraid there's not much to say about them. You were left at the doors of the orphanage one morning, wrapped in yellow blankets, and that's all we know about you."

The shaved child in the long yellow shirt turned around and walked away, puffing his thin chest up, and grinning to himself. "Golly! Some dark an' mysterious past! I shoore sound like shum imp'rtant p'rson den!"

---

Superman.

"Very well, Jor-El," the elder director of the science council said. "We believe you."

Jor-El blinked. "You do?"

"You are our best researcher." The elder nodded. "There's reason to believe Krypton is in danger. We'll organize a committee to evaluate and study your claims carefully. Afterwards, we'll have to gather the budget from the chamber of presidents for your proposed solution, and stage a publicity campaign so the populace will accept it. First of all, naturally, we'll need voting on who gets to be in the committee, and then-"

---

Lara turned her head towards their front door. "Jor-El?" the beautiful woman asked her husband. "They didn't believe you, did they?"

"Worse. They did," this great man of science said, pale and supporting himself on the door, all vigor blown from him. "Put the baby in the prototype already!"

---

Thirty years later, in the calm of his small bachelor apartment, Clark Kent watched TV.

"The gathering finished with an agreement from all governments involved," the anchor in the screen was saying. "The environmental crisis is a weighty issue in everyone's minds, so next month, or probably the one after that, they'll start voting on the makeup of a committee to evaluate and study the first few steps to be taken..."

The black haired man hummed thoughtfully. "Sometimes, I wonder..." he said to himself.

---

Aa! Megamisama!

The fair skinned, long haired pretty brunette smiled at the young man and bowed. "Good evening! I'm Skuld, second class goddess, limited! I've been sent by the Goddess Relief Office!"

Morisato Keiichi blinked slowly, sitting on the floor and dumbfounded.

For a split moment, something vaguely resembling hazy memories came to his mind.

A dark skinned, white haired beauty smiled at him. "How do you do? I'm Urd, second class goddess, limited!"

The most beautiful, delicate young lady he'd ever seen bowed at him. "Good evening, Keiichi-san. I'm Belldandy, first class goddess, unlimited."

The blurry mental mirages disappeared just as soon, however, and Keiichi shook his head, already forgetting them.

Skuld smiled again, knowingly.

The past becomes the present, then the present becomes the future, and then the future becomes the past once more, and so on.

Such is the law of cycles.

---

The Flintstones.

Fred rasped to clear his throat. "Grandma, I want you to meet Wilma, the woman I'm gonna marry!"

The large hairy ape raised its arms and yelled. "OOOK OOOK OOOK YABBA DABBA DOO!"

Wilma's mother scowled at the young lady. "See!? I told you that they aren't evolved enough!"

---

Guardians of the Galaxy.

"Thank you. The agreed payment has been transferred to your account," the still stoic leader of the tiny farming planetoid told him. Despite all of the carnage and destruction around them, he still literally could not emote.

"'Twas a pleasure," Rocket said, sheating his sizzling handguns in. "Call me again if you ever get another plant invasion, all right?"

The small furry creature turned around and began walking away. But then, from the fallen trunk of the gigantic Groot, there was a tiny weak voice.

"I am Groot..."

He turned back, while the planetoid's leader stepped back.

"I am Groot!" a diminutive sprout in Groot's right foot sobbed.

So much like a baby.

Rocket took a gun out and aimed at it.

It extended two short stubs at the mammal.

"I am Groot!" it whined, helplessly.

Rocket kept on taking aim, squinting.

Finally, he sighed, pulled a huge knife out, cut the living sprout off, and put it in the breast pocket of his spacesuit.

"Are you certain you should be doing that?" the leader asked him.

"I'm sure it shouldn't be doing it and it's gonna bite me in my tail. Burn the rest of it before it springs more," Rocket grumbled, walking away from the giant more quickly now, towards his hyperspace speedster.

The baby hugged his chest. "I am Groot!"

Lobo, Fett and Golden Darkness better never learn about this... he growled in his mind.

---

Animaniacs.

The woman was middle height and overweight. She looked out the window of the principal's office. She huffed. "It's that Boo child! It's not that he's ill behaved, but you've got to understand, sir! He's a chicken!"

The old man sighed. "Now, ma'am, I know he's meek and very shy, but that's hardly a reason for you to complain. If anything, he's the sort that would never bully your son..."

"No, I mean that he's an actual chicken! A giant chicken!" she said.

The principal paused. "A... what?"

The woman nodded. "A real, bonafide chicken! A chick, same thing! We can't let our children study with a chicken, that'd be... strange!"

The old man tapped his bony fingers on the desk. "Please! A giant chicken? With all due respect, that's ridiculous, ma'am! You should have your glasses checked! Boo is a perfectly normal child, just quiet and reserved! He's got feelings, dreams and a family just like any other boy..."

They looked again. A giant hen as coming to the playground and pecked the giant yellow chick playing with the children away.

"Well," the woman rasped, "I'll admit his mother is a perfectly normal and pleasant woman, at least! What ever possessed her to adopt a chicken, I don't know!"

---

Mahou Sensei Negima!

"Y'know, I was wondering," Konoka mused aloud, as the three of them sunbathed together on the rooftop of the dorms. "If Eva's been trapped here for over a decade, and we've studied here all that time too, how come we don't remember ever seeing her before?"

"Before? Before what? I'm... not sure I follow you?" Negi-kun eeped.

"I mean, he's been here for fifteen years never aging, we should have noticed that girl who never grows old at this point," the black haired beauty explained. "I know we weren't in the same class until recently, but surely some of us, any of us, would have seen her before, somewhere in the campus?"

Negi gulped. "W-Well, Master doesn't socialize much, and-"

"Nah, I'm sure she's mentioned being in the same Go club for like a decade now, and she's hardly a NEET, despite everything," said Chisame, who was an authority on all things NEET. "She likes walking around to enjoy the sun and crap. The headmaster must mindwipe our memories of her once a year, or something! That's something mages would do to keep the secret, isn't it?" She shrugged it off.

Konoka paled. "Ah-ha-ha, I see..."

---

That night, Konoe Konoemon woke up suddenly. He found himself chained to his bed, with a masked woman standing by his side.

"We're going to have a chat now, your mindraping old shit," this person told him in a cutely menacing familiar voice.

---

Milk & Cheese.

"Dear, I just remembered we left some food in the fridge before the trip," the woman said as she opened the front door.

"Relax, Hon," the man said, setting the luggage down by the door. "How bad can it have gone?"

"GAAAAAHHH!" screamed a small bipedal figure, pouncing on him in a long jump from the kitchen, and wielding a huge knife. At the same time, a second short figure leaped onto the woman with another knife.

---

"- so we buried them in the basement, took over the house, and have been stealing electricity and cable since," Milk ended the tale. "But now cable's passe so we need Netflix! We can steal Netflix, too, right? Be honest, man, we called you here 'cause you're an expert!"

"Uh, no, you need to pay for-" the Netflix representative started, right before Cheese stabbed him in the back.

 

[OverMaster]

Well. I say 'human' but I'm being too generous. It was a human skeleton, alright, one that walked slowly towards us armed with a long sharpened pole. Two other skeletons, similarly equiped, walked out to join it from both sides moments later.

"Kyaaaaaa!" Izumi screamed.

"Shit, too soon! We didn't even get to summon any Servants!" Saotome said.

"ROMAN!" Akashi yelled. "If you can hear us somehow, GET US OUTTA HERE NOW!"

"What the-?!" I backed several steps away.

Springfield stared at them, with hugely grown eyes, for a moment, perfectly still, but his was not an expression of fear. It's something very difficult to describe. It was shock, yes, but also... he seemed to be looking at the fires raging behind the skeletons, more than the skeletons themselves. In any case, he snapped out of it almost immediately, pulling his staff out and aiming it at the trio of slowly advancing living dead.

"Ras tel Ma Scir Magister!" he shouted.

Mash gritted her teeth and tried to pull herself free. "P-Professor, hold on!" she coughed. "I... I'll help you!"

"Y-You?!" I said, stopping by her side since I had no room left to back into. A few more skeletons were approaching us from behind as well, surrounding us. "D-Don't joke! If, if this guy's really a mage, then let him-!"

For the first time ever I found myself wishing magic was real. Those skeletons were clearly not people in costumes, so unless they were robots, which was just as absurd, the supernatural existed after all? Then this brat better had some real magic too, or else we were lost.

"Undeducenti spiritus lucis, coeuntes sagitent inimicum!" the boy cried. "Sagitta Magica, Series Lucis!"

And then, much to my awe, several large discharges of lighting, vaguely shaped line long arrows, flew from the staff and blew the first line of walking skeletons away. "No way!" I said.

"Crap! He won't be able to take on all of them!" Akashi growled, pulling a small wand out of a pocket and twirling around to face the creeps behind us. "I hate doing this, but... Uhhh, how does it go... Omne flammans flamma purgatus! Domine extinctionis et signum regenerationis! In mea manu ens inimicum edat! Flagrantia Rubicans!"

I shrieked as I saw a thick volley of fire leap from Akashi's wand, blowing the skulls right off three skeletons' heads, but they still kept on lurching ahead for us. "I knew it!" Akashi bit her tongue. "I'm still not good at this stuff!"

The other skeletons, attacking from the front, were being joined by more and more newcomers, armed with different improvised weapons, none of them making any noise, which only made them even scarier. Saotome was hugging Izumi protectively, and now Izumi didn't reject her at all, but it was clear neither of them could fight a damn.

Mash still tried to tug herself free from the pillar. "Do it... Do it, Professor!" she begged Springfield, her voice raising desperately. "I, I know we can...!"

Springfield was still shooting the skeletons with these Sagitta Magica things, and although he was more successful than Akashi, actually shattering the things into ineffective pilles of smoked bone, even more undeads would step out to join the fight just as soon, so he wasn't making any advances at all. He clenched his teeth, cursed under his breath, and finally heaved out what sounded like a groan of capitulation.

"Fine! he said, clenching a fist. "Let's try! Mash Kyrielight! I command you to... FIGHT!"

He seemed to be just as startled as us when the back of that fist abruptly showed several luminous red marks. The hand glowed for a moment with so much intensity that even those mindless creatures paused and stopped. Mash smiled, planted her hands on the ground, and pushed them down, as if to spring herself up.

Another, even brighter and much more intense light, now pure white, covered the full area as far as we could see. The pillar seemed to explode upwards reduced to dust falling all over us.

And when the light passed, Mash was back on her feet. Her clothes had changed completely. Now she was wearing skimpy, skin-tight black and purple body armor, like something out of a fantasy story. Her upper limbs were exposed, with their lower halves clad in black gauntlets and boots, and her glasses had vanished for some reason. In a hand she easily lifted a gigantic cross-shaped shield, one that was even bigger than herself.

"Thank you, Master!" she shouted, with renewed vigor, as if she hadn't been mortally wounded momenst ago. "You and I will overcome this together!"

And then she ran towards the front, swinging that oversized shield of hers and using it to bash all skeletons surrounding Springfield with minimal effort, breaking them into so many tiny pieces. Saotome swooned as her eyes briefly became large stylized hearts, and Mash did not stop, running around to also crush the skeletons coming at us from behind. She smashed them as if she was just swatting flies away.

Izumi, Akashi and I only looked on, fascinated despite ourselves. I hadn't ever seen anything like that before. Sci-fi movies with the highest budgets couldn't even compare. For a second, I couldn't blame Saotome. If a man had been doing that right then I'd have felt like throwing my panties at him.

When more bone warriors came, Mash would continue demolishing them, relentless. This went on for several minutes, as she efficiently destroyed dozens of them while Springfield looked at her with concern, his lips crunched together. At last, the skeletons stopped coming.

Mash finally stopped to breathe, her large chest huffing and puffing under the breastplate, and she straightened up, still clearly vigorized and willing to keep on fighting if necessary.
She smiled at us. "Sorry," she said, her voice as gentle as ever. "Are you all right, girls? Professor?"

Saotome was panting madly, her cheeks flushed. "That... That was just so cool! The, the coolest thing ever! Marry me, Mash-chan...!"

"C-Cant' you stop being creepy even now?!" I stammered. "What the hell was all of that?!"

"I'm not sure," Mash admitted. "Those beings shouldn't even exist in this era."

"Tha-That much is obvious!" I said.

Springfield sighed sadly. "The work of a skilled necromancer. For a summon of this scale, they must have been called forth by a Servant of the Caster class."

"You keep on saying things without actually explaining them," I said. "Okay, I already get the part about you and Akashi being wizards, I'm not that dumb. But-"

"Later, Hasegawa-san," Springfield said wearily, raising his right wrist to his face. A small hologram of Roman's face popped out from his black bracelet, which actually didn't shock me so much anymore.

"Right, I finally got through!" Roman said, his voice cracking as the image flickered for a sec. "Hello? This is Chaldea's Command Room! Do you read me?"

"It's me, Doctor," Springfield said blandly. "Mash has just manifested herself, and Akashi-san, Izumi-san, Saotome-san and Hasegawa-san are all safe and sound so far. I think we have just been Rayshifted into a Singularity, somehow."

"What is a-" I began.

Akashi put a finger on my mouth to close it. "Shhhhhh!"

"Oh, so you finally established yourself as a Master!" Roman said contentedly. "That's great, Negi! Chamo will be so happy... Umm, if he's still alive, that is... We haven't found him yet..."

Akashi snorted. "He's survived. Nothing can get us rid from that little creep!"

Fou nodded. "Fou fou." Ah, so it still was alive.

I'm impressed you didn't "lose your existence. " I'm really glad.

"Also, Mash... Of course I'm glad you're safe, too... But what's up with that outfit!?" Roman gasped. "It's shameless! I didn't raise you to dress like that!"

"Shut up, you!" Saotome snapped. "If you have the time to be a wet blanket, use it to pull us back to Chaldea!"

"We're working on that!" Roman promised, apparently tapping on a keyboard that was out of frame. "Let's see... Physical strength, Magical Circuits, everything's improved! You did it, Mash! The Heroic Spirit did lend you her capacities after all!"

Mash smiled and nodded. "I always knew the Professor and I could do it!"

Springfield blushed slightly and looked away.

The image and sound flickered again, actually shorting for a moment before Roman's face showed back up.

"Sorry!" Roman said. "Sheba's output is unstable because we switched to the backup generators! I'll have to brief you later."

"What?!" Izumi cried. "S-Sensei, you can't do that! D-Don't leave us here all alone!"

"I'm sorry, Ako-chan, there's not a lot I can do right now!" he apologized. "Look, I'm getting a strong leyline reading about two kilometers from where you are. Try to get there somehow. That way, it will stabilize our connection."

I gulped, looking at the fires. "To walk... through all of that? What, what if there are more of those monsters around?"

"Mash will look after you! Just don't do anything reckless, will you? I'll try to bring the power back up as soon as—" Roman said, right before the call was cut short, for good that time.

"We, we lost him!" Izumi panicked.

Mash sighed. "Well, that's the Doctor for you. You can't rely on him in situations like this. There's on use on dwelling on that, though, so let's get moving!"

"Carry me in your arms, please," Saotome begged her. "I think I sprained an ankle when I arrived here, and-"

Akashi bopped a hand on the back of Saotome's head. Hard. "Your foot feels much better now, doesn't it?!"

Saotome winced. "Actually, no, it doesn't! Why would it-"

"And now?!" Akashi growled, kicking her in the ass.

"Yah, yah, it feels better now!" Saotome pouted. "You spoilsport. If I die without ever being embraced by her I'm gonna haunt you forever, you know!"

 

[OverMaster]

We walked down a narrow burnt path, surrounded by the flames that seemed to intimidate Springfield so much. I mean, of course they scared me too. Who wouldn't be scared? But he looked haunted by them, and he'd gone so pale he seemed even smaller than he actually was. Yet he kept on marching, ahead of us.

Mash walked shortly behind him. "Professor, I think Hasegawa-senpai has the right to have her questions answered by now," she said at one point. "Since you don't seem able to do that right now, may I start explaining everything to her?"

"Yes. Yes, please, you do that, Mash," the boy said in a small voice.

I blinked. "Senpai? Why do you call me that?"

"Because you have more experience than I, of course," Mash said easily.

"Experience at what?" I asked.

"At life, naturally!" Mash cleared her throat. "As a young prodigy, Professor Negi was chosen to be a candidate Master. That means he can summon Servants, who are the incarnations of famous figures of history, myth and legends. The Servants fight under the leadership and command of the Master. You are a candidate Master as well, that's the reason why you were brought to Chaldea."

"Me?!" I said. "I wasn't ever told anything of that!"

Akashi sighed. "Well, yeah, like Roman said, there's been some real hiccups bringing people in, apparently. Some magi just aren't big on asking nicely."

"There are seven classes of Servants!" Saotome said peppily, glad to talk on a subject she actually knew something about. Saber, the swordsmen! Archer, fighters who use bows and projectiles! Lancer, warriors who wield spears and polearms!"

"And lances?" I groaned.

"Occasionally," Saotome said. "Berserker, maddened brutes who traded reason for animal vitality! Caster, the crafty magic users of yore! Assassin, the stealthy killers! And Rider, those who handle vehicles and mounts!"

"Alright..." I said.

Izumi raised an eyebrow. "Are you still doubting that after everything you've seen?"

"I never said I was doubting!"

"You sounded like you were," Akashi told me.

"Okay, maybe I'm just thinking you drugged me and that I'm hallucinating all of this crap! Sue me!" I replied.

"But, Mash-chan," Saotome said, "what class of Servant are you? You don't seem to fit any of the types."

"I believe I belong to a new class, Shielder, Servant of defense," Mash said. She tapped a finger on her own head. "That's the information I was supplied by the Throne of Heroes, at least."

"The what?" I asked.

"To put it in layman terms," Springfield inhaled, then coughed thanks to the wafting smoke, "it's the place Servants, or Heroic Spirits, come from."

"The afterlife, then?" I asked.

Springfield waved a hand. "Not exactly, but there's no time to go into detail right now. Mash isn't a Heroic Spirit, but one contacted her when she was a child, endowing her with her abilities. We never could make her activate them until now, however."

"My head hurts," I admitted. I looked at Izumi. "Are you a Master candidate as well?"

"No, I was always supposed to be only a medical staffer," the girl answered. "I don't come from a family of mages like Yuuna-chan or-"

Then Springfield and Mash came to a halt, and so did we behind them. "What's up?" Akashi readied her wand. "More skeletons?"

"I don't feel any hostile presences, but there's someone ahead of us," Mash said tensely. "They're running towards us. It may be a survivor of this disaster!"

I squinted through the smoke ahead our road. And then I could make a thin figure dashing in our direction. "Say, isn't that-"

"Director!" Springfield said with relief, running towards her in turn.

"Oh, thank God!" Mash said, running after him with a big smile.

We followed them at a more sedate pace, Izumi obviously as wary as myself. But it was indeed Director Animusphere, with some bangs and cuts, and bruises, all over her body and clothes. "Ah... It's you?!" she cried, stopping before us and looking like she had just been crying. Then, just as quickly, she stood straight and hewed with great airs of superiority. "I mean! It was about time you found me, and where had you-"

"DIRECTOR!" Mash hugged her tightly. Then she pulled back, blushing. "Uh, duhhhh, I mean, sorry! I, I got carried away, but-!"

Animusphere blinked at her. "Mas- Kyrielight?" She looked up and down. "Is that-"

Mash smiled and nodded. "Yes! Professor Negi did it! I'm a Demi-Servant now, thanks to him!"

Springfield rubbed the back of his neck, looking aside. "N-No, that's all on you, Mash..."

Animusphere blinked slowly. "I-I see... Well, that's a good thing, since... I'm afraid I have a Servant on my trail as we speak..."

"Eh?" Mash said. "There must be a mistake, Director, surely, if another Servant was anywhere close, I'd have detected their presence by now! Even as a half-Servant, I still should be able of that!"

"Unless..." Saotome raised a pointer finger, "It's an Assassin, right? That's their whole shtick after all."

Mash bit her tongue. "Ah, th-there is that, I suppose."

Then Animusphere shrieked, practically leaping into Springfield's arms, as we saw another shape approaching from the way she had come from. It was a relatively tall, handsome man in ancient looking Japanese robes, holding a shiny katana in a hand. Thick, pulsing red lines ran all across his handsome face, and his eyes were cold and hollow.

"Is that... Is that him?" Springfield gulped, preparing his staff.

"What else could he be?!" Animusphere shouted.

Mash stepped in between us and this weirdo. "Stay back, everyone!" she said. "I'll handle him..."

 

[OverMaster]

Les Schtroumpfs.

"O Great Stork," the elder Smurf said, addressing the towering bird standing before them. He raised his arms and bowed his tiny blue head. "Wise messenger, I now smurf a most important query from you! You bring baby Smurfs every blue moon, yet we ignore from where and why! Answer us if you can, smurfest one! Give meaning to our lives! Show us our origins!"

The stork looked down at Papa Smurf's papa. It cocked its head aside. Then its beak swooped down and it swallowed the elder smurf whole.

The young smurfling dressed red gasped, terrified, and ran into the woods.

---

Papa Smurf sighed. "And that, my boy, is why you shouldn't smurf such questions from it."

Brainy Smurf gulped loudly. "Hah ha ha, I'll think about it...!" he said, trying to keep on his brave smile.

---

Blazing Combat.

The bloodied soldier dragged himself through the mud.

He felt a presence both looming behind him and standing before him. It was a man, or it looked like one, wearing the uniform of his enemy but also his own.

"Who... Who are you?" the soldier asked, coughing blood.

From the moment the first fish crawled out of the sea and turned around, biting the one crawling after him in the throat, I have been, the voice said. It was cold and inhuman, deep and raspy.

From the moment Cain stabbed his brother and left him to die, I have been, the voice said. It was cold and inhuman, deep and raspy.

I am War. And you are one of my numbers, War told him with evil happiness.

The soldier closed his eyes and breathed out. The actual enemy soldier who had shot him stopped behind him and finished him, with a shot in the head.

---

Batman.

The Dark Knight walked into the satellite's monitor duty room. "All right, Booster, Beetle, your turn is over, I'm taking-"

A lot of confetti rained on him as everyone jumped out to cheer "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BATMAN!"

"- I already hate this," the Caped Crusader said.

Plastic Man laughed. "Ah ha ha ha, don't say that! This is a day for fun, sourpluss! And you know what's really funny? Today's also the birthday of Bruce Wayne, that no good millionaire airhead!"

Elongated Man rolled his eyes.

Guy Gardner grinned, giving Batman a yellow folder. "My gift first!"

Batman opened the folder and pulled out several photos of Garder having sex with a naked except for the mask Catwoman. "... nice try, Gardner, but I can see they are forgeries. You won't rile me up."

Guy shrugged. "It was worth a try!"

"I'm telling her. One of these days you're going to wake up with your eyes clawed out," Batman said.

"Ta daaaaaa!" Ice said, rolling in a lifesize statue of Batman. "Do you like it? I made it myself!"

Batman stared at it. "That's... nice, Tora, but how am I supposed to keep it frozen at all times?"

"You don't have an icebox this size in your cave?" Ice asked.

"Why would I?"

"In that case, can I move in with you?"

"No!"

"Awwwwww."

The Spectre walked to Batman, stretching his hands and showing him an image of a screaming man burning at a stake. "I give you a sight to placate your ever damaged heart," the Vengeful Wraith boomed. "The murderer of your parents, burning forever in hell!"

Batman's eyes shrank to white dots.

A moment later, he crouched at a corner, facing away from everyone, staring at the wall.

Everyone glared at Spectre.

"I honestly thought that would cheer him up," he said.

---

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"You know, I've been thinking," Eddie said, as Dolores poured him another large cup of black coffee. "Roger and Jessica's relationship is all kinds of messed up..."

Dolores rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, Mr. Valiant," she said sarcastically. "Are you going to look at it this way after knowing them for so long? They are happy together and that's what matters..."

"No, I don't mean that they're a rabbit and a woman!" Eddie said. "I can get used to that, everyone can! But I never thought about it before, but they were created by the same cartoonist! They are siblings, Dolores! If anyone in power ever stops to think about it..."

Dolores hummed, and then shrugged. "It has worked well for Mickey and Minnie, hasn't it?"

She turned around and left for another table.

Eddie blinked at the new realization.

The person sharing the lunch with him whistled. "Gawrsh!" Goofy said. "I'm never talking to those deviants again!"

---

Fate Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya.

They looked through the window, at the snow slowly falling on Fuyuki.

Irisviel rested on her husband. "Do you regret it?" she asked him. "Losing your heart's wish, just for our sake?"

He looked at her, and at their small baby, and smiled. It was a sincere smile at last, after so many years. "This is my heart's wish," Kiritsugu said. "I'm glad I realized it in time. I don't know wht would have happened if I hadn't, Iri."

He kissed her forehead, as little Shirou clapped happily and Sella and Leysritt stood ever watchful.

Elsewhere Waver Velvet returned to Clock Tower, bruised and shaken but a changed man for the better. A new beautiful younger sister smiled at him. He smiled at her. She seemed nice.

Little Rin and Little Luviagelita had their first fight, as Luvia had finally snapped Rin out of her funk her own way. Yet somewhere else, Asuna and Ayaka shared a strange fleeting feeling of empathy for some reason.

Even Kirei stood thoughtfully in the church, not having been corrupted and deciding to do something good for this world, even if he didn't feel like it. It was his duty, at least. To make himself feel better, he took his coat and went out for mapo tofu.

Yes, in this world, everything had changed for the better. For a nicer and brighter future. Everything...

Little Sakura sank further into the worm pit while Zouken cackled.

"You idiot," she very quietly told the narrator.

Sorry. Almost everything.

 

[OverMaster]

Gotoubun no Hanayome is the creation and intellectual property of Haruba Negi and Kodansha.

---

Five, Four, Three, Two, One!

---

Episode One: Being Poor Sucks.

---

Three Amigos.

"I have excellent news!" Uraraka Ochako said, punching the air. "They accepted me in UA!"

"Really? That's excellent, Ochako-chan!" Yuiga Nariyuki smiled.

"Mmmmm," Uesugi Fuutarou said, non committally, just sipping the miso soup from his meat menu with no meat. Every day, they'd order three meat menus at the cafeteria, and two of them would be asked to be left with no meat. Tuesdays and Fridays, Nariyuki would get the one with meat. Since she was a girl, Ochako would get the one with meat in Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Since Nariyuki was too skinny, Fuutarou had declined on having a meat day for himself.

Ochako casually sliced a piece of her meat and put it in Fuutarou's plate, like she did every other day she got protein. Just like always, Fuutarou put it back in her plate. Just like always, Ochako made it levitate back onto his plate.

"I met the cutest, kindest guy during the tests, too!" the brown haired girl narrated while Fuutarou sighed and relented, eating the meat in silence. "He could use some combing, but he saved me during the entrance tests, and he has the most adorable freckles all over his face, and-"

---

Itsuki la Gordis.

"S-Sorry, but I've gotta leave," Nariyuki laughed nervously. "I have to understand Furuhashi-san and Ogata-san if I want to help them, so I'm having lunch with them..."

Fuutarou nodded. "Okay."

So there he sat now, all alone, trying to take his time to savor every bite from a meat menu with no meat whatsoever at all in the slightest, or he'd have called it like that if the mere idea wouldn't offend his proper language sensibilities.

A girl sat opposite him, where Ochako usually sat before transferring. She had long pink hair and a nice figure, but Fuutarou barely registered anything about her besides that, being too busy quietly trying to keep the flavor in his mouth.

"I was asking if this seat is taken," he finally heard the girl saying, in a somewhat stilted tone.

He shrugged, still not really looking at her. "It is now, since you just sat on it without asking first."

The girl glared at him in silence. "I can leave right now, if that bothers you so much," she said eventually.

He shrugged his shoulders. "It makes no real difference."

After another moment of unpleased staring, the girl set her lunch on the table. Finally, the black haired boy showed some emotion in the form of a subtle gasp.

Udon: 250 yen.

Two scampi: 300 yen.

Scrambled squid and chicken: 100 yen.

Battered sweet potatoes: 100 yen.

Jumbo custard cup (Dessert): 180 yen.

Fuutarou then looked at what remained of his lunch.

Meat menu with no meat (Miso, rice and vegetables): 200 yen.

The girl blinked at his expression. "Are you feeling okay?"

Fuutarou nodded in silence.

"And.. what is your name?" she asked awkwardly, to break the ice. Mine's Nakano Itsuki, I'm new here..."

"Jean Jacques Rousseau," the oblivious Fuitarou said, reminiscing.

"Funny, you don't look French," the girl said, starting to stuff her mouth avidly right before him.

Quand le peuple n'aura plus rien à manger, il mangera le riche.

---

All Japanese Men are Lolicon- Illyasviel von Einzbern, Probably.

His sister called him after lunch. Not after lunch break; he had wandered off to study on his own after finishing eating but before the bell rang for the return to classes.

"Oniichan?" she said. "Dad says a guy he's working for offered you a job!"

A job!

"Doing what?" Fuutarou asked.

"Tutoring his daughter!"

"How old is she?"

"Around your age, I think..."

Oh, a chance to spare Raiha from a life of selling her body in the streets! Good, good!

"That sounds... adequate," he said, trying to fake indifference. "We'll talk it out as soon as I'm home, okay?"

"Okay...! Thank you, Oniichan...!" the adorable child said happily, and hung the phone.

Only then her smile dropped and she spoke to herself in a jaded tone much more fitting an older woman. "Oh, thank goodness, maybe I won't have to sell my body in the streets after all."

Her stomach growled.

---

Class Warfare.

"It's a guy named Nakano," their father had shrugged it off during the meager dinner. "Medic, with a lot of money. He has five daughters and none of them are doing well at studies, but nothing is concrete yet..."

Well, that had been vague, but if nothing had been settled yet, Fuutarou couldn't blame him.

And then, sure enough, the next day, the teacher had introduced the girl from the day before.

"I am Nakano Itsuki. Nice to meet you all!" she said in a loud and clear voice.

And then she looked at him and added blandly, "Well, I believe I already met some of you yesterday."

Wha, what she was doing here if she hadn't started studying yet?! Fuutarou screamed in his mind.

Nakano Itsuki sighed. "I thought it'd be a good idea getting to know our new surroundings before joining in. For the most part, I liked what I saw a whole lot..."

You liked what you ate, you mean! Fuutarou thought. You devoured that extravagant lunch as if you were a vacuum cleaner, you little-!

"Anyway, please bear with me, everyone!" she laughed. "My grades aren't that good, but I'm sure I'll pull up on my own! Dad was talking about giving me a tutor, but no way, Julian!"

Fuutarou slammed his forehead on his desk.

He still was that way when Nakano Itsuki passed him on the way to her own seat. "You should eat better if you don't want to keep on faltering like that," she told him without stopping.

---

Clone Wars.

"Hey, Nakano-san," he tried to call after her as soon as the lunch break began, "sorry about yesterday, I didn't mean to be so cold, and-"

Smiling to herself, Nakano walked off and went to sit at the same table as three other girls, who sat with their backs turned on Fuutarou.

Snapping his tongue to himself, the young man walked away, pondering what to do. He sat down at the other end of the lunchroom after ordering another meat menu with no meat, and found another, short haired Nakano Itsuki sitting across him, waving at him.

"Hello," she said.

Fuutarou pulled back and broke into a fit of coughing. "What, what, what?!"

The girl shrugged and began eating her lunch with good appetite, although nowhere as voracious as that of the previous day. "I saw you trying to talk with Itsuki, and I got curious," she said casually. "Tring to ask her out in her first day here? Slow down, cowboy!"

"It's, it's nothing like that!" he frowned, squinting at her face. Other than the lenght of her hair and its lack of any star shaped ornaments, they were identical. "Are you... her sister?"

"Oh, no, Itsuki's my clone!" she said matter of factly.

Fuutarou frowned. "Her twin, then..."

"I'm telling you she's my clone."

Fuutarou leaned back on his chair, folding his arms. "Sure thing."

"Have you heard of the Bizarro Superman?" the girl asked him. "That's what Itsuki is to me."

"I'M HEARING YOU FROM HERE, ICHIKA, STOP THAT!" came Itsuki's angry voice from her table.

Nakano Ichika raised hands. "Okay, you got me," she told Fuutarou. "That was a lie. As a matter of fact, I'm her greatly improved clone! She was only the prototype."

"WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?!" Itsuki shouted again.

"Okay, that was a lie too," Ichika said. "Would you actually believe that anyone would have ever thought cloning her would be a good idea?"

A spoon flew from across the room and hit her on the head.

Such an impressive throw!

---

Enter the Idiot.

While leaving school, his father called. "Fuutarou?"

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Nakano says he's willing to pay five times as much as usual if you take the job."

Fuutarou stopped, blinking several times. "Hmmmm... That sounds really good, but..."

"But what? You're so good, your grades aren't gonna drop just because you took some time off to help someone else."

"No, no, that's not it." He sighed. "I think I met that person and she's turned off on me. Maybe I was a bit cold on her. I don't know."

"Well, then be a man and ask for her forgiveness. How difficult could that be?"

"Dad, Mom was a saint and you've never been with another woman afterwards. Sorry, but I think you just don't know enough about how women act."

His father chuckled. "Oh, and now you are an expert on women! You've never even had a girlfriend."

Fuutarou groaned. "I'll see what can I do, okay? Tomorrow, when I see her again."

He pocketed the phone and then heard Nakano Itsuki's voice from behind him. Or maybe it was Nakano Ichika's? "So, are you taking the job, Uesugi-san?"

"What?!" He spun around and found himself face to face with a smiling Nakano. She had short hair so she had to be... "Ichika-san?"

"Nope!" She pointed at the green bow on the top of her head. "My name's Yotsuba! Nakano Yotsuba!"

Oh my God, there are three of them! Fuutarou swallowed. "You are... Ichika-san and Itsuki-san's sister?"

"A-yep!" she nodded vigorously.

"And... We'd never met before, so how did you know my name?"

She looked somewhat almost briefly disappointed for a moment, as if something in his words had hurt her for some reason.

Fuutarou was about to ask something else when she smiled brightly again, pulling her phone out and showing him a picture of himself. "Dad just called saying he'd hired a tutor for us! And that tutor's you, right? See!"

Fuutarou facepalmed. Those two old men just made their deal without waiting for my opinion...

Nakano Yotsuba blinked curiously at him. "Something wrong, Uesugi-san?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head slowly.

"That's great! I really need your help, because, well, just look yourself!"

She held a test before him.

"... zero?" Fuutarou said.

"Eh heh heh! Zero!" She poked the tip of her tongue out, blushing.

"How can anyone score a zero in a test?" The words left Fuutarou's mouth before he could stop them.

"I have experience," Nakano Yotsuba admitted candidly.

"... that's going to be well earned money," he said.

"Oh, you have no idea...!" she whistled.

"And your sisters... I have to tutor them as well?"

"I think that's the idea, yeah."

"Are they... how should I say this... better than you?"

"Oh, no way they could be any worse!"

"You're right. Only making sure," Fuutarou said in a hollow tone.

Nakano Yotsuba dragged a foot around. "So... is it alright with you if we start tomorrow?"