Cowboys of Remnant: Some Friendly Advice
AndrewJTalon
Experienced.
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- - -
Neptune barged into the JNPR dorm room early one Saturday morning, a scowl on his face. Jaune was chopping up apples in the kitchen, while Ren and Nora waited at the breakfast table. Neptune narrowed his eyes at Jaune and walked up to him.
"Arc!"
"Morning, Mister Vasilias," Jaune greeted him blandly, as he began to shake cinnamon onto the apple slices, "Something I can do for you?"
"Yeah," Neptune stated, stomping right up to him, "You're a greedy harem-keeping bastard and it's not fair to the rest of us!"
Jaune blinked. He blinked again. He stared at Neptune as though the blue-haired young man had gone completely insane. He instinctively put himself between Neptune and the food and looked at it worriedly before he looked back at the other teenager.
"I... What?" Jaune managed.
"You heard me!" Neptune growled. "You're hogging the hottest girls at Beacon and it's not fair!"
Jaune worked his jaw, utterly bewildered. He opened his mouth, then closed it again as he thought things through.
"I knew it!" Nora swore. "Jauney, I'm only part of Ren's harem, okay? I'm not sharing Renny!"
"Indeed," Ren stated dryly, still meditating with his eyes shut.
"That's... Fine Nora," Jaune stuttered, before he shook his head, "Mister Vasilias-Look. I don't know where you got that impression, and I'm awful sorry that you... Came to that conclusion, but none of these girls are my property. They can date who they choose. I ain't keeping them from anything, they're their own people."
"Well, why won't Snow Angel go on a date with me?!" Neptune demanded angrily. "I'll tell you why! You! She's sweet on you!"
Jaune shook his head.
"I do not know what you're talkin' about, we're just friends," he said, "If you wanna get her to go on a date with you, that's your issue, not mine. Maybe if you tried some other tactic like..."
Not being a jackass? Jaune's mind suggested, but he decided to err on civility.
"... Sincerity," Jaune said, "You could pull it off. But it ain't my business if she decides to date you or not."
Neptune blinked.
"Wait... You're not... Keeping them to yourself?"
"What in tarnation makes you think I could make them do anything they didn't want to?!" Jaune demanded. "Not that I ever would! Unless they wanted to... To sacrifice their lives or-or something! I ain't letting them do that while I'm around!"
He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"But if you wanna court them, go right ahead. I ain't stopping you. It's all on you."
Neptune coughed. He rubbed the back of his head.
"I uh... I guess I have been coming on strong," he admitted. "And uh... Maybe you... Me... It's me, all right? So... Sorry, Cornpone."
"Apology accepted, I suppose," Jaune said dryly. Neptune shrugged and smiled.
"I just... You know... They act like your wives so uh... Really? You're not dating any of them?"
"I ain't opposed to romance," Jaune stated firmly, "But out in the field in a Hunter team, it can divide loyalties. Make it more difficult to stay cohesive. If a personal relationship goes south, it could jeopardize everyone's lives. Mister Duke taught me that, and he ain't been wrong yet. So no, I ain't ready for romance. If you wanna try, go ahead on."
Neptune sighed and shook his head.
"Well, me, I think you're an idiot. But... Good to know I can go ahead!" Neptune turned to go... When Jaune reached out and grabbed his shoulder. Neptune coughed as a stormy look came over Jaune's face.
"Now hold on there, Mister Vasilias," Jaune stated coldly, "There are some ground rules we gotta lay down here."
"Wha-Ground rules-?"
"Just one, really," Jaune said. He looked over Neptune's shoulder to Ren and Nora. "Ren, Nora? How'd your village handle men who took advantage of young ladies?"
"We would make them apologize for it and take responsibility," Ren stated.
Neptune coughed.
"And if he didn't?" Jaune pressed.
"Then we would shatter their arms and legs and dump them in a ravine for the Grimm," Ren said, his tone unchanged. Nora grinned and held up her hammer.
"I really liked that part!" She chirped.
Neptune gulped as Jaune laughed.
"Well damn. That's more brutal than how we did things in Radian. There, we'd just shoot the bastard."
"Er," Neptune winced.
"Or hang him, then shoot him."
Jaune thought about it some more, his grip on Neptune's shoulder much tighter.
"Or draw and quarter him, hang him, and then shoot him. Though tossing his body to the Grimm at the end was the same."
Neptune looked back shakily at Jaune, who was now smiling darkly. His grip on Neptune's shoulder was very painful now.
"Point is, Mister Vasilias, if you can get one of my friends on a date, you go right ahead. But if you take any liberties with them? The rest of us ain't inclined to wait around for judge and jury. Just how we cornpones do things. Understand?"
"Y-yes! Totally understand!" Neptune squeaked. Jaune let go of his shoulder and was all smiles.
"Good! Would you care to stay for breakfast, Mister Vasilias?"
"N-No! No! I'm good!" Neptune said quickly. He moved towards the door... Which opened, letting in the rest of teams JNPR and RWBY. Weiss was leading, and smiled almost viciously at Neptune.
"Hello Neptune! Would you like to ask me on a date again?"
"N-Nope! Nope! Totally fine! Think we're better as friends!" Neptune squeaked.
"Oh? Not even gonna hit on me, Neptune?" Yang asked, her smile just as dangerous. Neptune's head was nearly a blur.
"Nope! NOPE! Goodbye! So long!"
He fairly ran out of the room. Pyrrha frowned.
"That wasn't very nice, everyone," she stated, though there was a shine in her eyes as she looked at Jaune. Jaune shrugged.
"Eh, you can take care of yourselves," he said, "Just wanted to make things clear."
Ruby pouted.
"He never even tried to hit on me!"
"Good," Jaune stated flatly, "Means we don't have to kill him."
"It would be a chore to dispose of the body, wouldn't it?" Yang chuckled.
"Not really, I know a few methods," Blake said.
Weiss' laughter became a touch nervous.
"You're... All kidding, right? ... Right?"
Jaune was all smiles.
"Care for some pancakes, Weiss?"
"Yes, but that doesn't answer my question."
"Pancakes are not the question, pancakes are the answer!" Nora declared. "Also the question!"
- - -
Neptune burst into Team SSSN's dorm. He looked over at Scarlet with wild eyes.
"Scarlet! Teach me to be gay!"
Scarlet blinked. He blinked again.
"I... What?"
"I-I mean, is it something that comes naturally or do you really have to work at it?!"
Scarlet turned to Sage, the sanest member of their team aside from himself. Sage sighed and pulled on some headphones. He turned his music on as loud as possible. Scarlet looked over at Sun for help, but the golden monkey Faunus had already jumped out the window.
"Cowards," Scarlet muttered.
- - -
Neptune barged into the JNPR dorm room early one Saturday morning, a scowl on his face. Jaune was chopping up apples in the kitchen, while Ren and Nora waited at the breakfast table. Neptune narrowed his eyes at Jaune and walked up to him.
"Arc!"
"Morning, Mister Vasilias," Jaune greeted him blandly, as he began to shake cinnamon onto the apple slices, "Something I can do for you?"
"Yeah," Neptune stated, stomping right up to him, "You're a greedy harem-keeping bastard and it's not fair to the rest of us!"
Jaune blinked. He blinked again. He stared at Neptune as though the blue-haired young man had gone completely insane. He instinctively put himself between Neptune and the food and looked at it worriedly before he looked back at the other teenager.
"I... What?" Jaune managed.
"You heard me!" Neptune growled. "You're hogging the hottest girls at Beacon and it's not fair!"
Jaune worked his jaw, utterly bewildered. He opened his mouth, then closed it again as he thought things through.
"I knew it!" Nora swore. "Jauney, I'm only part of Ren's harem, okay? I'm not sharing Renny!"
"Indeed," Ren stated dryly, still meditating with his eyes shut.
"That's... Fine Nora," Jaune stuttered, before he shook his head, "Mister Vasilias-Look. I don't know where you got that impression, and I'm awful sorry that you... Came to that conclusion, but none of these girls are my property. They can date who they choose. I ain't keeping them from anything, they're their own people."
"Well, why won't Snow Angel go on a date with me?!" Neptune demanded angrily. "I'll tell you why! You! She's sweet on you!"
Jaune shook his head.
"I do not know what you're talkin' about, we're just friends," he said, "If you wanna get her to go on a date with you, that's your issue, not mine. Maybe if you tried some other tactic like..."
Not being a jackass? Jaune's mind suggested, but he decided to err on civility.
"... Sincerity," Jaune said, "You could pull it off. But it ain't my business if she decides to date you or not."
Neptune blinked.
"Wait... You're not... Keeping them to yourself?"
"What in tarnation makes you think I could make them do anything they didn't want to?!" Jaune demanded. "Not that I ever would! Unless they wanted to... To sacrifice their lives or-or something! I ain't letting them do that while I'm around!"
He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"But if you wanna court them, go right ahead. I ain't stopping you. It's all on you."
Neptune coughed. He rubbed the back of his head.
"I uh... I guess I have been coming on strong," he admitted. "And uh... Maybe you... Me... It's me, all right? So... Sorry, Cornpone."
"Apology accepted, I suppose," Jaune said dryly. Neptune shrugged and smiled.
"I just... You know... They act like your wives so uh... Really? You're not dating any of them?"
"I ain't opposed to romance," Jaune stated firmly, "But out in the field in a Hunter team, it can divide loyalties. Make it more difficult to stay cohesive. If a personal relationship goes south, it could jeopardize everyone's lives. Mister Duke taught me that, and he ain't been wrong yet. So no, I ain't ready for romance. If you wanna try, go ahead on."
Neptune sighed and shook his head.
"Well, me, I think you're an idiot. But... Good to know I can go ahead!" Neptune turned to go... When Jaune reached out and grabbed his shoulder. Neptune coughed as a stormy look came over Jaune's face.
"Now hold on there, Mister Vasilias," Jaune stated coldly, "There are some ground rules we gotta lay down here."
"Wha-Ground rules-?"
"Just one, really," Jaune said. He looked over Neptune's shoulder to Ren and Nora. "Ren, Nora? How'd your village handle men who took advantage of young ladies?"
"We would make them apologize for it and take responsibility," Ren stated.
Neptune coughed.
"And if he didn't?" Jaune pressed.
"Then we would shatter their arms and legs and dump them in a ravine for the Grimm," Ren said, his tone unchanged. Nora grinned and held up her hammer.
"I really liked that part!" She chirped.
Neptune gulped as Jaune laughed.
"Well damn. That's more brutal than how we did things in Radian. There, we'd just shoot the bastard."
"Er," Neptune winced.
"Or hang him, then shoot him."
Jaune thought about it some more, his grip on Neptune's shoulder much tighter.
"Or draw and quarter him, hang him, and then shoot him. Though tossing his body to the Grimm at the end was the same."
Neptune looked back shakily at Jaune, who was now smiling darkly. His grip on Neptune's shoulder was very painful now.
"Point is, Mister Vasilias, if you can get one of my friends on a date, you go right ahead. But if you take any liberties with them? The rest of us ain't inclined to wait around for judge and jury. Just how we cornpones do things. Understand?"
"Y-yes! Totally understand!" Neptune squeaked. Jaune let go of his shoulder and was all smiles.
"Good! Would you care to stay for breakfast, Mister Vasilias?"
"N-No! No! I'm good!" Neptune said quickly. He moved towards the door... Which opened, letting in the rest of teams JNPR and RWBY. Weiss was leading, and smiled almost viciously at Neptune.
"Hello Neptune! Would you like to ask me on a date again?"
"N-Nope! Nope! Totally fine! Think we're better as friends!" Neptune squeaked.
"Oh? Not even gonna hit on me, Neptune?" Yang asked, her smile just as dangerous. Neptune's head was nearly a blur.
"Nope! NOPE! Goodbye! So long!"
He fairly ran out of the room. Pyrrha frowned.
"That wasn't very nice, everyone," she stated, though there was a shine in her eyes as she looked at Jaune. Jaune shrugged.
"Eh, you can take care of yourselves," he said, "Just wanted to make things clear."
Ruby pouted.
"He never even tried to hit on me!"
"Good," Jaune stated flatly, "Means we don't have to kill him."
"It would be a chore to dispose of the body, wouldn't it?" Yang chuckled.
"Not really, I know a few methods," Blake said.
Weiss' laughter became a touch nervous.
"You're... All kidding, right? ... Right?"
Jaune was all smiles.
"Care for some pancakes, Weiss?"
"Yes, but that doesn't answer my question."
"Pancakes are not the question, pancakes are the answer!" Nora declared. "Also the question!"
- - -
Neptune burst into Team SSSN's dorm. He looked over at Scarlet with wild eyes.
"Scarlet! Teach me to be gay!"
Scarlet blinked. He blinked again.
"I... What?"
"I-I mean, is it something that comes naturally or do you really have to work at it?!"
Scarlet turned to Sage, the sanest member of their team aside from himself. Sage sighed and pulled on some headphones. He turned his music on as loud as possible. Scarlet looked over at Sun for help, but the golden monkey Faunus had already jumped out the window.
"Cowards," Scarlet muttered.
- - -
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