Bended (part 1)
Mr Zoat
Dedicated ragequitter
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Bended
23rd February
23:23 GMT
"…disappointing performance."
Batman looks around the room at the assembled Justice League members, though he can't quite bring himself to give it the usual full-beam glare.
"Hey, it wasn't-." Mr Queen squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, wincing as he does so. His vision still hasn't quite recovered yet. "Did you have to make the nuke that realistic?"
I don't trust myself to answer him out loud, so I settle for nodding. Yes, the hologram was bright but that's all it was. If he wore decent eye protection he wouldn't be having this problem.
"You gotta admit, that was some pretty impressive lateral thinking." Mr O'Brien waves his unnaturally long right forefinger. "I mean, people have told me to go jump in a lake a few times, but walk up to a live nuke? That's a first."
Ms Hol clenches her hands into fists. "I didn't fall for it."
Her husband shakes his head. "You refused to cooperate with him. That is not the same thing."
"Eh." Dmitri doesn't look particularly troubled. He didn't put in a better showing than any of the others, but when you don't do worse than the best in the world that doesn't really matter all that much. "I had thought that the wargame would be different to that. Like a quest? Like Dungeons and Dragons?"
Mr J'onzz bows his head slightly. "It may be that Orange Lantern wished to remind us of our vulnerability to the more subtle forms of manipulation."
Guy actually looks amused by the whole thing. "I reckon I coulda taken the hit."
William… William Harper shakes his head. "We shouldn't have been getting hit in the first place." He looks me in the eyes, disbelief fighting with a grudging respect. "I still can't believe that you killed the entire Justice League by… Asking them."
And then I lose it.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
A few of the more prideful League members look away. A few of the better humoured ones look like they're thinking of joining me.
Diana nods to herself.
"Was that Eris's idea?"
"Hah-! Huh-hah! Ah -hah!- um, she's-. She's been becoming more insecure about our relationship since Christmas. I thought this would pick her up. Um." HAH! "I was -originally- planning to go back over what I was hoping that you'd learn from this session, but-. Really, I think you all know what you shouldn't have done, so, do you want me t-."
Batman does glare at that.
"Yes."
I come to parade rest.
"It occurred to me during planning that since enemies who can shapeshift -martians, durlans, whoever else- are an issue, and mind control is an issue, it might be worth me talking to a League member or two about being my patsies. Since there are any number of ways to suborn individuals it wouldn't be unrealistic… But then it occurred to me… Wouldn't someone with that ability try to get all of you?"
"So I approached you all about being my patsies and -with the exception of Hawkwoman- you all agreed. So, ah, thank you-"
Guy actually does chuckle to himself, then turns it into a cough when John glares at him.
"-for helping me out like that and not talking to each other about it, because if any of you had realised what was going on then it wouldn't have worked. And thank you all for being willing to walk up to a nuke for me, that sort of loyalty is very hard to instil in henchmen and if I ever do go villainous for real you'll all be my first picks."
Billy -who had been taking what was happening in good humour- now looks a little perturbed. "The escape teleporter was fake."
"Yes, otherwise I'd have had to give you all one and that would have ruined the whole thing. But, seriously, while several of you-" I make eye contact with each in turn, even if I had to nudge Alan about it a little. "-have availed yourself of Mister King's services to improve your ability to resist telepathy, there are any number of other ways to bypass agency and the League has no policy of checking for them. A villain probably couldn't do what I did… But I did."
I make eye contact with Batman.
"So do you want to do another one..?"
"Yes."
"Do we want to agree on the number of patsies I have this time?"
Mr Freeman leans forward slightly. "I do not believe that we would fall for such a ploy again."
Should flipping hope not.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this wasn't a joke. I mean, I found it pretty funny… But you need to take note of what happened. In twenty oh five, during a wargame between the Swedish navy and the United States navy, a one hundred million dollar stealth submarine 'sunk' a six point two billion dollar carrier along with all of the planes still on board, bypassing its entire screening fleet to do so. Repeatedly. If any of you particularly want to fight me, us Lanterns have regular practice sessions in the Chihuahuan Desert and I'll be happy to unload on anyone who's feeling lucky. This is about the League's ability to respond to threats which are both powerful and cunning. Don't give me cheap kills."
I smile.
"Unless you're the patsy this time in which case-" I punch the air with my right fist. "-go team!"
Billy raises his right hand.
"Can I vote for no patsies?"
He looks around and finds little support.
"I'll get to work on a new scheme, to be put into action some time next week. You'll have that long to prepare yourselves." I raise my right hand to my forehead. "Good day, sirs."
I
step out
23rd February
18:28 GMT -5
and reappear on top of Mount Justice. Euanthe doesn't look around from where she's tending some of the plants which are a product of her work with Dr Isley, but some fronds turn towards me and a couple of vines begin snaking my way. Ted was initially stumped by how to get the produce of shampoo fruit to market without using plastic, but once the problem was explained to Euanthe in sufficient detail she was able to create a squeezable gourd that should do the job. It would eventually rot, but not within the period most people would use the shampoo contained within and… Isn't biodegradability the point?
"How's it coming?"
"Both the poison and the antidote are ready as you asked."
"And -just to check- the antidote removes the poison in such a way that the one poisoned survives without lasting damage?"
"Yes."
"Even if they're not a tree?"
"I used Ivy to make sure that I understood what you wanted." Now she turns and glides towards me, plants reaching for her as she passes by them. She lays her hands on my shoulders and leans her face towards mine. "But will you give me what I want?"
I nod, and hold up the seed packet.
23rd February
23:23 GMT
"…disappointing performance."
Batman looks around the room at the assembled Justice League members, though he can't quite bring himself to give it the usual full-beam glare.
"Hey, it wasn't-." Mr Queen squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, wincing as he does so. His vision still hasn't quite recovered yet. "Did you have to make the nuke that realistic?"
I don't trust myself to answer him out loud, so I settle for nodding. Yes, the hologram was bright but that's all it was. If he wore decent eye protection he wouldn't be having this problem.
"You gotta admit, that was some pretty impressive lateral thinking." Mr O'Brien waves his unnaturally long right forefinger. "I mean, people have told me to go jump in a lake a few times, but walk up to a live nuke? That's a first."
Ms Hol clenches her hands into fists. "I didn't fall for it."
Her husband shakes his head. "You refused to cooperate with him. That is not the same thing."
"Eh." Dmitri doesn't look particularly troubled. He didn't put in a better showing than any of the others, but when you don't do worse than the best in the world that doesn't really matter all that much. "I had thought that the wargame would be different to that. Like a quest? Like Dungeons and Dragons?"
Mr J'onzz bows his head slightly. "It may be that Orange Lantern wished to remind us of our vulnerability to the more subtle forms of manipulation."
Guy actually looks amused by the whole thing. "I reckon I coulda taken the hit."
William… William Harper shakes his head. "We shouldn't have been getting hit in the first place." He looks me in the eyes, disbelief fighting with a grudging respect. "I still can't believe that you killed the entire Justice League by… Asking them."
And then I lose it.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
A few of the more prideful League members look away. A few of the better humoured ones look like they're thinking of joining me.
Diana nods to herself.
"Was that Eris's idea?"
"Hah-! Huh-hah! Ah -hah!- um, she's-. She's been becoming more insecure about our relationship since Christmas. I thought this would pick her up. Um." HAH! "I was -originally- planning to go back over what I was hoping that you'd learn from this session, but-. Really, I think you all know what you shouldn't have done, so, do you want me t-."
Batman does glare at that.
"Yes."
I come to parade rest.
"It occurred to me during planning that since enemies who can shapeshift -martians, durlans, whoever else- are an issue, and mind control is an issue, it might be worth me talking to a League member or two about being my patsies. Since there are any number of ways to suborn individuals it wouldn't be unrealistic… But then it occurred to me… Wouldn't someone with that ability try to get all of you?"
"So I approached you all about being my patsies and -with the exception of Hawkwoman- you all agreed. So, ah, thank you-"
Guy actually does chuckle to himself, then turns it into a cough when John glares at him.
"-for helping me out like that and not talking to each other about it, because if any of you had realised what was going on then it wouldn't have worked. And thank you all for being willing to walk up to a nuke for me, that sort of loyalty is very hard to instil in henchmen and if I ever do go villainous for real you'll all be my first picks."
Billy -who had been taking what was happening in good humour- now looks a little perturbed. "The escape teleporter was fake."
"Yes, otherwise I'd have had to give you all one and that would have ruined the whole thing. But, seriously, while several of you-" I make eye contact with each in turn, even if I had to nudge Alan about it a little. "-have availed yourself of Mister King's services to improve your ability to resist telepathy, there are any number of other ways to bypass agency and the League has no policy of checking for them. A villain probably couldn't do what I did… But I did."
I make eye contact with Batman.
"So do you want to do another one..?"
"Yes."
"Do we want to agree on the number of patsies I have this time?"
Mr Freeman leans forward slightly. "I do not believe that we would fall for such a ploy again."
Should flipping hope not.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this wasn't a joke. I mean, I found it pretty funny… But you need to take note of what happened. In twenty oh five, during a wargame between the Swedish navy and the United States navy, a one hundred million dollar stealth submarine 'sunk' a six point two billion dollar carrier along with all of the planes still on board, bypassing its entire screening fleet to do so. Repeatedly. If any of you particularly want to fight me, us Lanterns have regular practice sessions in the Chihuahuan Desert and I'll be happy to unload on anyone who's feeling lucky. This is about the League's ability to respond to threats which are both powerful and cunning. Don't give me cheap kills."
I smile.
"Unless you're the patsy this time in which case-" I punch the air with my right fist. "-go team!"
Billy raises his right hand.
"Can I vote for no patsies?"
He looks around and finds little support.
"I'll get to work on a new scheme, to be put into action some time next week. You'll have that long to prepare yourselves." I raise my right hand to my forehead. "Good day, sirs."
I
step out
23rd February
18:28 GMT -5
and reappear on top of Mount Justice. Euanthe doesn't look around from where she's tending some of the plants which are a product of her work with Dr Isley, but some fronds turn towards me and a couple of vines begin snaking my way. Ted was initially stumped by how to get the produce of shampoo fruit to market without using plastic, but once the problem was explained to Euanthe in sufficient detail she was able to create a squeezable gourd that should do the job. It would eventually rot, but not within the period most people would use the shampoo contained within and… Isn't biodegradability the point?
"How's it coming?"
"Both the poison and the antidote are ready as you asked."
"And -just to check- the antidote removes the poison in such a way that the one poisoned survives without lasting damage?"
"Yes."
"Even if they're not a tree?"
"I used Ivy to make sure that I understood what you wanted." Now she turns and glides towards me, plants reaching for her as she passes by them. She lays her hands on my shoulders and leans her face towards mine. "But will you give me what I want?"
I nod, and hold up the seed packet.
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