17th September 2012
02:25 GMT +1
Mildly interesting fact: the whole thing about wooden stakes is a myth. It's just that most vampires can heal fast enough that stab wounds such as might be inflicted by a narrow stabbing weapon don't really threaten their existence. A wide wound through the heart on the other hand is virtually impossible to heal, and those tough enough to survive it are obviously
impaired by the lack of blood flow.
Point is, it's-
"AGHYOUFUCKINGCRAZYBASTARD! I'LL EAT YOUR MOTHER!"
-not the
wood.
Construct hooks work just fine.
"How are you still moving?
"
"WE ARE A SUPERIOR FUCKING BREED!"
"Superior to humans?
"
"TO-! GAH!" The vampire reaches up to the construct hook sticking through her chest with both hands, but isn't able to muster enough strength to damage it. "WEAKER VAMPIRES!"
"Ah.
" I nod.
"Just wanted to be certain. What exactly do you mean by that?
"
"WE ARE IMMUNE-! FUCK, TAKE THIS OUT OF MY CHEST!"
"That doesn't sound like a good idea. Though I
am impressed that you're still functional.
"
I look over to the
Tree of Pain that I've set up, the other vampires on it somehow
still being animate.
"Orange Lantern to Count Berlin. I've identified and removed all vampires in the region.
"
"
Finally.
Out."
I bring the hook a little closer.
"Immune to what?
"
"SUNLIGHT! GARLIC! RIVERS! ARRRRGHHAHAH!"
"And crosses?
"
"YESYESFUCKINGYES!"
"How about religious symbols from other religions?
"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"Seeds?
"
"WHAT?"
"Well.
" I pull a vial of what I suspect to be an alchemical solution out of her clothes.
"It's interesting, anyway.
"
I put construct clamps on her arms and legs, remove the hook-
She
gasps with relief.
-and impale her on the Tree.
"AHNOAH-H-H!"
And then pick up the Tree.
"AAAAGHUUHHHH!"
And fly back to where the boss vampire was talking to Count Berlin.
Boss vampire is shivering on the floor, trying to crawl away from Shadow of War. Reichsmark-
"Stand up and
fight, trouser-shitter!"
-is squaring up to a vampire who has already had half of their face caved in but gamely throws himself at the metal-skinned git, claws and surviving teeth extended. Reichsmark takes a stance and
extends, the blade of his right hand punching right through the vampire's chest and spine.
A vampire who feels lucky lunges at Baroness Reiter, and he completes his lunge in the form of dust as a torrent of pink energy erupts from her face and disintegrates him.
Angelika floats down over the caravan.
"Would everyone who would like to surrender-"
Energy pulses from Baron Gestapo's robots begin hitting home as they lumber into view.
"-please come over here-"
Ms. Brauer picks her opponent up and hurls them into a wooden caravan face first. The vampire punches through the side, then the other side, and lands under Angelika.
"-and adopt a submissive posture."
I replant the Tree. Angelika regards it for a moment.
"Impaling yourself is not necessary."
White Dragon looks up from where he's incinerating a couple of vampires.
"And suddenly I respect you."
"The difference is that they can answer questions, and can amend their lives and live moral lives in-
" His flames are turned away by a construct barrier.
"-future.
"
"Faggot."
"I will take that as a compliment.
"
"I surrender! I surrender!"
A quick-thinking vampire uses their just-short-of-super speed to dive and cower under Angelika. The other survivors
cringingly scurry in the same direction,
another flame blast from White Dragon hitting another construct shield.
"I bet you're the kind of faggot who fucks his
own asshole."
"That would require my penis to be about fourteen inches long. Are you sure that's the insult you wish to make?
"
White Dragon stares at me for a moment, then turns around and stomps back towards the portal site.
"Good." Angelika puts her hands on hips and looks down at the bedraggled-looking undead below her. "Now, who is in charge?"
"
Prince Roderick!"
Multiple fingers point towards the man cowering before Shadow of War.
"And why are you following him?"
"
We would starve if we did not!"
"Miss Talkative over there-
" I point to the Tree.
"-was trying to feed me a line about vampiric superiority?
"
"
She does that with everything!
Even before she was a vampire!"
"Starvation shouldn't be a problem. I can build you a machine to create new blood for you.
"
"Really?"
"Yes. But I'm afraid that we're going to need some things from you in return.
"
...Hardcore.
