Xenopsychology (part 8)
Mr Zoat
Dedicated ragequitter
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"So what's aw this abawt, then?"
Gremlin reaches up with his right hand to scratch his right ear, his eye ridges raised in my direction.
Orkoids don't have eyebrows, or any other body hair. Other than a couple of days where I got him a hair squig and he had a lot of fun trying a bright pink rat tail and top knot. And their facial expression comes more from their mouth than their relatively small foreheads. He had to learn that gesture by watching me.
"Gremlin, you know more about the way tau politics works than I do."
"That ain't what I mean, boss. You bin flyin' around an' doin' stuff for the tau for years. They fawt you was a daemon when they met you."
"So..?"
"So what changed? Why's they treatin' Faultless Boy different?" He taps his right forenail on the table. "Can't be 'cos he's a daemon."
"I think it's more that they now know enough to be scared."
"So why's they invitin' awl a' us who bin spendin' time with him to T'au? That'd be a ded stoopid thing t' do if he was go'na make trouble, innit?"
"I said they knew better. I didn't say they knew everything. Honestly, it's unlikely that it's actually going to reach Aun'va."
"But takin' a fing off'f the dekkodakka list-."
"The what?"
"You know. They can't be part a' the Greater Good, so shoot 'em when you see 'em. Dekko, dakka."
I smile. "Well, then it would be the dekko dakka directory, wouldn't it?"
He visibly thinks for a moment. "Kritikul enkawnta krumpin kompendium."
I shake my head. "The 'en' sound is too heavy."
He grins. "Konkurrence?"
"Um… Ah…" I grin back. "Maybe?"
"Think aw'll tell awll a' the orks I meet, 'bawt how the bugboyz rank higher 'an us on that. Should deawl with that whole problem."
"Might be a bit 'high concept' for most warbosses."
"'The blueboyz think the bugboyz 're harder 'an you'. I think they'd get it."
I shrug. He's probably right, though I think they'd probably attack the tau for the insult rather than the tyranids. Orks are more attackers of opportunity than planners.
"But anyways, Undyin' Spirit's the one who decides who goes on an' off, yeh?"
"As I understand it, he makes the final determination. But he's the head of a council of very senior and very well informed people. I doubt that it's going to purely be him." I frown. "Are you worried?"
"Bit, yeah. I'm on the list, too."
"You mean the kompendium?"
He doesn't look amused any longer. "No. I don't."
I nod, and insert trivial small talk into the monitoring systems.
"Sorry. Look… I… I'm working for the Tau Empire because I think they're the closest thing this era has to a civilisation that I want to be part of. That doesn't mean that I'm not aware that they don't always make the best decisions. If they rule against you, then I'll get you out and drop you off somewhere."
His ears flick as he stares at me contemplatively.
"Really?"
"Yes. You're my friend. You haven't done anything contrary to the interests to the Greater Good, and you've joined in our work enthusiastically. If they can't see that, they're the ones mistaken."
"Oh. Thanks, boss. Course, that… Does leave the question 'how'?"
"If they were going to kill you, then they'd just order Kais's team to sneak up on you in their stealth suits. So they either do actually want to talk to you themselves, or they're going to make a big show of it."
"An' if-."
"If they're going to make a show of it, then I guess I'm working for Farsight now. Ah, though I'd… Probably drop you off somewhere else. Otherwise… The tau can be pleasantly surprising in their rationality a lot of the time. Give them a chance."
"Yeah." He nods. "Alwite. So, same with Faultless Boy?"
"T'au has a much bigger population than Lar'shi. More high level experts. It's not like they've had the opportunity to examine a cooperative daemon before. In his case… He can't exactly die, he'd just get banished. But you know what tau are like with the warp; they'd probably just put him in a research institution somewhere isolated. I'm more worried about what he'll want. Or that they'll-."
"Try feedin' him souls like the Emprah?"
"It's something I want to be very clear about being impossible. We'd need a golden throne for a start, and we don't have one."
"Think I can back you up there, boss. Tau and sorcery don't sound like things that should mix."
"Thank you."
"Here, listen…" Orkoids can't really look awkward, either, but he's giving it a go. "Orks don't have families. Got mates, some of them, but a yoof just gets grabbed by whateva mob's abawt and hit ovah the head 'til he does what he's tole. You… Took a little snotling, an'… Made me. Tort me. Like I'm someone with something to contribute. Valuable, an' a person an' that. An' we fight togevah and.. learn stuff togevah, and… I guess what I'm tryin' ta' say, is…"
He looks directly at me, his face relaxing.
"When is you gunna make an honest woman outa Tsua'm Raard?"
"Um, what? That's not where I-. You've been talking to Bo'ohk about human humour, haven't you?"
"Bit. I do like that you've put a lotta effort inta me, I just don't have the brain gubbins to think of you as a father or anything like that. No offence."
I nod. "None taken. So what makes you think-?"
"Come on, boss. You explainin' the plot of every human story where humans an' aliens pair off, an' the underlying psychological mechanism for why a human would do it, was a ded giveaway. An' how you keep remindin' her how you like tau better than humans. An' how you deliberately don't tell her what you actually want 'cos of her orders."
"You said something to her after I spoke to that genestealer cultist."
"She wasn't gettin' it. I just sed somethin' abawt the eldar they've got locked in there."
Dark Eldar don't last long in captivity, even in a null zone. We're still not really clear why. Slaanesh shouldn't be able to drain them when they're cut off from the warp, but I suppose that means that they can't sustain their bodies with warp energy either. Tau… Tend to leave Exodite worlds in their space alone these days, and I actually got to be present during a diplomatic meeting with officials from a Craftworld passing through the Empire, which… Went about as well as it could have done.
"I find eldar fairly unattractive, actually. In terms of personality-."
"But now she's thinkin' abawt you an' aliens like somethin' that could actually happen."
"Thank you for your wingmanning efforts. I'll remember it if we ever run into Uthan the Perverse. They're into orks."
He looks sceptical for a moment, then realises that I'm not joking. "Should be interestin'."
"Please tell me if Tsua'm actually says anything to you."
"So what's aw this abawt, then?"
Gremlin reaches up with his right hand to scratch his right ear, his eye ridges raised in my direction.
Orkoids don't have eyebrows, or any other body hair. Other than a couple of days where I got him a hair squig and he had a lot of fun trying a bright pink rat tail and top knot. And their facial expression comes more from their mouth than their relatively small foreheads. He had to learn that gesture by watching me.
"Gremlin, you know more about the way tau politics works than I do."
"That ain't what I mean, boss. You bin flyin' around an' doin' stuff for the tau for years. They fawt you was a daemon when they met you."
"So..?"
"So what changed? Why's they treatin' Faultless Boy different?" He taps his right forenail on the table. "Can't be 'cos he's a daemon."
"I think it's more that they now know enough to be scared."
"So why's they invitin' awl a' us who bin spendin' time with him to T'au? That'd be a ded stoopid thing t' do if he was go'na make trouble, innit?"
"I said they knew better. I didn't say they knew everything. Honestly, it's unlikely that it's actually going to reach Aun'va."
"But takin' a fing off'f the dekkodakka list-."
"The what?"
"You know. They can't be part a' the Greater Good, so shoot 'em when you see 'em. Dekko, dakka."
I smile. "Well, then it would be the dekko dakka directory, wouldn't it?"
He visibly thinks for a moment. "Kritikul enkawnta krumpin kompendium."
I shake my head. "The 'en' sound is too heavy."
He grins. "Konkurrence?"
"Um… Ah…" I grin back. "Maybe?"
"Think aw'll tell awll a' the orks I meet, 'bawt how the bugboyz rank higher 'an us on that. Should deawl with that whole problem."
"Might be a bit 'high concept' for most warbosses."
"'The blueboyz think the bugboyz 're harder 'an you'. I think they'd get it."
I shrug. He's probably right, though I think they'd probably attack the tau for the insult rather than the tyranids. Orks are more attackers of opportunity than planners.
"But anyways, Undyin' Spirit's the one who decides who goes on an' off, yeh?"
"As I understand it, he makes the final determination. But he's the head of a council of very senior and very well informed people. I doubt that it's going to purely be him." I frown. "Are you worried?"
"Bit, yeah. I'm on the list, too."
"You mean the kompendium?"
He doesn't look amused any longer. "No. I don't."
I nod, and insert trivial small talk into the monitoring systems.
"Sorry. Look… I… I'm working for the Tau Empire because I think they're the closest thing this era has to a civilisation that I want to be part of. That doesn't mean that I'm not aware that they don't always make the best decisions. If they rule against you, then I'll get you out and drop you off somewhere."
His ears flick as he stares at me contemplatively.
"Really?"
"Yes. You're my friend. You haven't done anything contrary to the interests to the Greater Good, and you've joined in our work enthusiastically. If they can't see that, they're the ones mistaken."
"Oh. Thanks, boss. Course, that… Does leave the question 'how'?"
"If they were going to kill you, then they'd just order Kais's team to sneak up on you in their stealth suits. So they either do actually want to talk to you themselves, or they're going to make a big show of it."
"An' if-."
"If they're going to make a show of it, then I guess I'm working for Farsight now. Ah, though I'd… Probably drop you off somewhere else. Otherwise… The tau can be pleasantly surprising in their rationality a lot of the time. Give them a chance."
"Yeah." He nods. "Alwite. So, same with Faultless Boy?"
"T'au has a much bigger population than Lar'shi. More high level experts. It's not like they've had the opportunity to examine a cooperative daemon before. In his case… He can't exactly die, he'd just get banished. But you know what tau are like with the warp; they'd probably just put him in a research institution somewhere isolated. I'm more worried about what he'll want. Or that they'll-."
"Try feedin' him souls like the Emprah?"
"It's something I want to be very clear about being impossible. We'd need a golden throne for a start, and we don't have one."
"Think I can back you up there, boss. Tau and sorcery don't sound like things that should mix."
"Thank you."
"Here, listen…" Orkoids can't really look awkward, either, but he's giving it a go. "Orks don't have families. Got mates, some of them, but a yoof just gets grabbed by whateva mob's abawt and hit ovah the head 'til he does what he's tole. You… Took a little snotling, an'… Made me. Tort me. Like I'm someone with something to contribute. Valuable, an' a person an' that. An' we fight togevah and.. learn stuff togevah, and… I guess what I'm tryin' ta' say, is…"
He looks directly at me, his face relaxing.
"When is you gunna make an honest woman outa Tsua'm Raard?"
"Um, what? That's not where I-. You've been talking to Bo'ohk about human humour, haven't you?"
"Bit. I do like that you've put a lotta effort inta me, I just don't have the brain gubbins to think of you as a father or anything like that. No offence."
I nod. "None taken. So what makes you think-?"
"Come on, boss. You explainin' the plot of every human story where humans an' aliens pair off, an' the underlying psychological mechanism for why a human would do it, was a ded giveaway. An' how you keep remindin' her how you like tau better than humans. An' how you deliberately don't tell her what you actually want 'cos of her orders."
"You said something to her after I spoke to that genestealer cultist."
"She wasn't gettin' it. I just sed somethin' abawt the eldar they've got locked in there."
Dark Eldar don't last long in captivity, even in a null zone. We're still not really clear why. Slaanesh shouldn't be able to drain them when they're cut off from the warp, but I suppose that means that they can't sustain their bodies with warp energy either. Tau… Tend to leave Exodite worlds in their space alone these days, and I actually got to be present during a diplomatic meeting with officials from a Craftworld passing through the Empire, which… Went about as well as it could have done.
"I find eldar fairly unattractive, actually. In terms of personality-."
"But now she's thinkin' abawt you an' aliens like somethin' that could actually happen."
"Thank you for your wingmanning efforts. I'll remember it if we ever run into Uthan the Perverse. They're into orks."
He looks sceptical for a moment, then realises that I'm not joking. "Should be interestin'."
"Please tell me if Tsua'm actually says anything to you."
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